Chapter 78: Left Side/Right Side

Today was a pretty decent day. Not a lot happened. Woke up at 7:30am, morning routine, drank coffee, tweeted, then worked out with my Mom around 8:15am. This morning we decided to go ahead and give it a try with music playing instead of listening to John Abdo talk on the DVD. I felt like this made the workout experience a whole lot more fun and I felt more energized moving along to a good beat. The music? Do you really have to ask? We worked out to “The Fame Monster.” It was really good, although some of the tracks don’t have the best beats for working out, like “Speechless” and “Alejandro.” I actually skipped “Speechless,” which would be unthinkable on any other occasion. Working out with Lady Gaga is really a major improvement to the workout process. It was a lot of fun. I am also really excited because I worked out every morning this week. We are taking the weekend off and going back to it on Monday. It has been a really good thing for me, as well as for my Mom. She doesn’t normally workout five days a week, so me joining in helped to motivate her to workout more. It’s really a great thing, and I am enjoying it. I am very excited to continue and to hopefully see results in the not too distant future. It is all just a really exciting process for me.

I feel like, in many ways, my entire life is a really exciting process for me right now. It has been a long time since I have felt that way in the present moment. I have been really excited about things I had planned in the future, (Moving to California, for example,) and I am still excited about things I have planned, but am also extremely excited about things that are happening right now. My life may not be perfect right now but it is, at least, exciting. I just feel like I suddenly somehow opened myself up to a whole world of possibilities that were already in front of me, but I was simply choosing not to see or embrace. Honestly, in many ways, I am a little frightened, a little nervous, a little intimidated, but most of all I am excited. I feel a lot less like I am in that “now or never” place and more in that “it’ll happen when I make it happen” place. So, when will I make it happen? How about starting immediately? One interesting thing, though, is that I have always been told that you can’t work on too many things or focus on too many goals at one time or else they will all suffer. I have always kind of bought into that whole concept, but right now I feel like nothing could be further from the truth. The key is simply time management. For example, I work out and work towards my weight loss goals in the morning. I draw and work on those artistic goals during the day at work mainly. Then there are the musical goals – the most important goals of all. I work on those constantly. In some ways, I have kind of felt like they have fallen to the wayside but I realize that isn’t true. I am always working on music, finding inspiration in it and surrounding myself with it. I think the only reason I have felt like I haven’t been working on them as much is because there is a delay, due to having to put off the music lessons until February. I told Eliezer Rivera that I wanted to begin in the second week of February most likely, and he said just to let him know as soon as I want to schedule. The only real reason I am not starting those immediately are purely financial. While the lessons are of the utmost important, I have a few other commitments this pay period that my money needs to go towards first. I just can’t really afford it right now. If everything works out the way I hope it will, I should have some extra cash coming in right around the time that I am ready to begin lessons, whether that money is from this company from Craig’s List picking up some of my drawings or if it is from income tax, that should be a big help. Even if I don’t have extra money, though, I will be able to afford it. I will force myself to be able to afford it because it will be well worth any sacrifices I may have to make. That is the most important of the goals I have right now and I would be more than willing to sacrifice the other two to make sure this one works out. I know it won’t come down to that, though. The Universe is working in my favor, after all.

In fact, I got a little added evidence that the Universe is working in my favor today at work. Last week I called in sick to work on Wednesday. This was the morning after I finally made the decision not to move to California and I was up all night and a complete wreck in the morning. The day off was very helpful for me, but I was concerned about the lack of pay for the day. If this were a year or so ago, when I first started at the place that shall not be named and when my Mom was at her old job, missing the $84 (pre-tax) I would have earned for working the day would barely even register with me and certainly wouldn’t make any major difference in my quality of life until the next pay period. Now, since I am paying a considerably larger portion of the rent and bills and such, those $84 make a big difference. I was kind of dreading seeing the amount of my check today. When I went to pick up my check on my break, I didn’t even open it until a few hours later. When I did open it, I was very pleasantly surprised that it was only slightly less than it normally would be. I wasn’t sure why that was, but I looked in the detailed breakdown section and found something I hadn’t been aware of before: a $50 Referral Bonus. It suddenly dawned on me: The place that shall not be named for security purposes has a program where if you refer somebody to come work there and that person makes it past 90 days, you get a $50 bonus. My Mom just hit her 90 days a week or two ago. I didn’t even know it, but apparently she put my name on her application as the person who referred her and that $50 bonus came at the most perfect time possible! If that isn’t the Universe at work for me, I don’t know what is. Another very cool thing to do with work is that I will have been there for an entire year next month, which means I will be up for review and will get a raise. I don’t know how much that raise will be, (it is dependent upon the review,) but every little bit helps. I am slightly concerned about the fact that my sister is the one who will be doing this review. She is really good at being fair, though, so I’m not worried about that. What I am worried about, though, is the fact that I haven’t been the best employee in the world. I mean, my attendance has been good. I have only been written up for attendance once in the year, which is pretty good for that place. I haven’t had many major performance issues really. The maximum raise for your annual review is $.25, and I don’t necessarily think I will get that. If I get $.20 I will be happy. If I get $.15, I’ll be okay with it. If I get $.10, I will be pretty upset. I don’t think I will have that problem. If I had to guess, I’d say I probably get $.20. We’ll see, though. Like I said, every little bit helps. Either way, though, I just have to remember that this job does not define me in any way at all. It is no reflection of who I am or what I am capable of in life. When I worked at Borders, I got a less than stellar review and let it drive me crazy. I don’t want to ever let that happen again. Any review I get, whether from a job or from Rolling Stone, is no reflection upon who I am. It isn’t even a reflection upon how people view me. It doesn’t mean anything at all about my life and I will not allow myself to treat it as if it does.

I spent most of the day at work recreating the “Speechless” drawing, which I think turned out really well. There is something wrong with the eyes, I think, and I figured out after the fact that the neck is off center. Fortunately, those things can be corrected fairly easily. Still, I think it came out well in the larger form. The next one I am going to work on is the “Dancing With Tears In My Eyes” drawing. I have always thought, since I started doing these, that this one would make the best t-shirt. As I mentioned above, this whole thing makes me a little nervous. It is ego-driven anxiousness, I know, and I am trying my best to resist it. I went to the Threadless site to have a look at some of the submissions on there and they all look so much more professional than anything I have done. I understand that 90% of those were surely submitted by art students, or at least people who have had some form of training, but it just concerns me. How could my dinky little drawings compare to the submissions of people who are trained in some way? I don’t know, but surely they can somehow. I have faith in myself, and my talents, no matter how green I may be in certain areas. I really wish I had Photoshop right now, though. Digital colorization on sketches would probably have a really cool look to it. I don’t know. All I can do right now is take a chance and see what comes of it. Whether or not anything comes of what I am doing right now, this is definitely a medium that I am enjoying and intend to explore and pursue further.

Now, I would be remiss to write this blog today and not talk a little bit about Haiti. I have intended to talk a bit about Haiti quite a few times recently, but it has fallen to the wayside because I have gotten too busy ranting about my life and, lately, how exciting it is. That is really a shame on my part, though, because no matter how exciting my life may feel right now, there is an entire nation that is suffering in ways that we here in America couldn’t possibly imagine. The devastation seems endless. There are thousands upon thousands of people who have perished there, many of whom they haven’t even bothered to identify. These are people’s families and friends and loved ones. These are human lives, being hauled into mass cemeteries without ever being identified. That part alone is horrific, but then there is the fact that there are also thousands of survivors out there, desperately searching for their loved ones, or for food, shelter and all the basic needs that every human being has the right to. It is probably the worst devastation the world has seen in many of our lifetimes. It is really one of the most heartbreaking things that could possibly happen in this world, and every single one of us, not just in America but the world over, should be doing whatever we can to help. We can donate through one of those Red Cross or Yele text campaigns that have been going around. We can donate food and supplies to any of the locations in our area accepting them. We can donate our time. Even if we can’t donate any of that, we can donate our positive thoughts and prayers. Admittedly, in the position I am in currently, I have mainly donated that last one. I have also made a few small cash donations, but nothing anywhere near what I would like to give. Still, if a few million people donate $5 or $10 that would be an amazing place to start. It is one of those situations where it just feels like there is so much to be done and it really makes you feel kind of helpless and powerless. We just have to remember that keeping them in our thoughts and prayers is a major help, too. If enough of the world is wishing and praying for that country to be restored, it has to happen somehow. God, The Universe, or whatever else you may believe in, will not allow for these people to suffer if enough of us are keeping them in our minds and our hearts. That is what I believe, anyway. Money helps, too, though.

On a much more frivolous note, in reference to Haiti, tonight was the “Hope For Haiti Now” telethon on all of the major networks. It was a pretty amazing event, with performances from some of the biggest names in music. Allow me first to say that all of these artists did something extremely generous and amazing simply by lending their time and talents to this cause. There were some definite highlights, though. One of those highlights was definitely Taylor Swift’s performance of the Better Than Ezra song “Breathless.” Shakira also did a brilliant, although somewhat offbeat, cover of The Pretenders’ classic “I’ll Stand By You.” Mary J. Blige also did an absolutely epic performance of “Hard Times Come Again No More.” Sheryl Crow performed alongside Karl Urban and Kid Rock, doing a surprisingly touching cover of Ben E. King’s “Lean On Me.” A personal highlight for me, of course, was Madonna’s simply breathtaking, gorgeous acoustic-based version of “Like A Prayer.” That woman is an inspiration no matter what she is doing but particularly in this case. Jennifer Hudson also performed a gorgeous rendition of The Beatles’ “Let It Be.” The biggest highlight of this show, for me, was Christina Aguilera performing a song called “Lift Me Up” that will be included on her upcoming fourth studio album, “Bionic.” Initially, I thought it seemed kind of odd, and perhaps off-color, that she was performing a song off of her upcoming album but once I actually heard the song I couldn’t think of anything more powerful and perfect for the occasion. "When you see me crashing and there's nowhere left to fall, will you lift me higher?" she sang, and I pretty much bawled my eyes out. It was timeless and beautiful. The other biggest highlight of the event was Justin Timberlake with a guy named Matt Morris, who I had never heard of before, performing a duet of the Leonard Cohen song “Hallelujah.” This song has been covered by more than 200 artists, but I don’t think I have ever heard it presented in the way that Justin Timberlake and this Matt Morris guy did. It was completely captivating and heartbreaking and full of emotion. It really gave me a whole world more respect for Justin Timberlake than I already had… and I already had a LOT of respect for him as an artist. All of the performances on this telethon were amazing, and every single musician, actor, athlete and crew member there deserves the utmost respect for taking part in such an important event. I don’t know exactly what type of money they wound up raising, but I can imagine it will make an immense difference for the people of Haiti. That is the most important part of it all. This event also reminded me of the sheer power that music has in this world. The songs that these artists performed really put so much of the situation into perspective for me, and I’m sure millions of others, and really made me feel a connection to what these people are going through. It is important that we all do anything and everything we can to help in this situation. We can at least educate ourselves on what they are going through there in Haiti. How anybody can choose not to take part when they are able is simply insane to me. Of course, I understand that not everyone has the means to help but there is always a way, even if it is as simple as saying an extra prayer or sending your positive thoughts out to these people. It all makes a difference in one way or another.

It is almost 1:30am and I should probably get to bed. I don’t know if I will go straight to bed right now, though, or if I will work more on recreating these drawings. Either way, though, it is time to end this blog. Tomorrow should be a good day. My Mom and I are talking about possibly going to a movie in the afternoon, as there are a few different movies here in Sarasota that I really want to see. Our local arthouse/indie theater is currently playing “Me And Orson Welles” and “Precious,” both of which I have really been dying to see, and the regular mainstream theater is currently playing “A Single Man,” the Tom Ford directed story of a gay man coping with the loss of his longtime partner. I am really surprised, and pleased, to see that this film is playing in the mainstream theater. I really want to see that one. We’ll see, though. Tomorrow night I am having a few really close friends over for a small gathering/catch up time. It should be a good day. It almost feels kind of wrong now ending the blog talking about how tomorrow will be a good day. Still, it will be a good day. I will also try to keep the people of Haiti in my mind and in my heart not just tomorrow, but every day until their country has been restored.