Chapter 58: Uncontrollable

Today wasn’t really all that interesting of a day. I woke up at noon and got a call from my Mom shortly after that asking if I wanted to go out to breakfast. After spending more money than I should have ever since getting paid this week, I was a little hesitant about going out and paying for breakfast, but I said okay. As I was sitting around waking up and catching up on Twitter and Facebook and such, I received a text message. It was from Sprint, my cell phone carrier. They were informing me that my service is scheduled for disconnection and I should make payment immediately. Of course, with my over-spending recently and the fact that we really only make enough money to scrape by at this point, I couldn’t afford to make payment immediately. Shit like this is a reminder to me: I am not in a position where I can throw money around anymore. I don’t know what it is, but something in me makes me forget that when I spot something I want. My Calvin Klein bag would be a good example of that. Even giving money to Raising Malawi, which I still hold is a very good thing, is not something that I was able to afford. I need to hold on to my money for situations like this. I really need to be paying more money out towards bills because they are getting paid, but not on time or in full. Rent and necessity bills are doing fine, as far as I know, but I consider my cell phone a necessity. I am not going to let myself get into a position where it gets shut off. We may not be doing great right now, but we are not doing badly enough to let things get shut off. I hate the fact that this has to be a concern right now, but I also know that it is not going to be this way for much longer. Once I move back to California and my Mom moves to a place that is less expensive, or in with somebody else, these things will be nothing but a memory. Actually, once my Mom gets a better job these things will be nothing but a memory. That is the important thing right now: We need to get my Mom a better job. How to do that? I’m not really sure. In the meantime, though, I really think I need to be putting out more money towards bills to make sure that they are able to get caught up sooner than they would if I keep going as I am now. I also need to stop spending money on things that are not entirely necessary. The clothes and bags and accessories and all that I have right now are plenty, (there are a LOT of them, to be honest.) Essentially, what I need to do is make sure that I have enough cash to meet social needs, (going out, preparing lovely meals at home and things of that nature,) because I do really need a social life… more than I need clothes and accessories. More than I need Tom Ford sunglasses, too.

Speaking of a social life, I have realized recently that the TV show of my life currently only has two sets: My house and my job. I rarely spend time anyplace else anymore. I can’t remember the last time that I went out somewhere or hung out at somebody else’s house even. I’ve hung out with other people at my house, but I haven’t really spent a considerable amount of time outside of those two places in quite some time. Aside from places like grocery or convenience stores, I haven’t really gone much of anywhere. I haven’t been to a movie theater or a mall or anything in probably over a month. It’s kind of unusual for me and I am not sure the reasoning behind it. I think it’s the whole “lack of money” thing maybe. Perhaps I have an “out of sight, out of mind” mentality towards shopping, and want to avoid it at all costs. Sadly, it is unavoidable. It’s everywhere you turn… especially on the internet, where I ordered my Calvin Klein bag and where I keep looking at Tom Ford glasses. Perhaps it is because I feel like without money to burn I don’t have any reason to go out or don’t have anything to offer. That would just be silly, though, and I think if that were the reason I would have figured it out earlier. In fact, I think that if money were the reason I would have figured it out earlier. I kind of fear it may be something much darker. My father suffered from severe agoraphobia when he was younger and, while I know that is not something that is hereditary, I have often wondered if I don’t suffer from a much less extreme case of that. Agoraphobia, as I understand it, is a condition where one becomes anxious in environments that are unfamiliar or where they feel that they have little control. There are cases that they call “Social Agoraphobia,” where a person has an extreme fear of public embarrassment or appearing distraught or panicked in public. I don’t really think that is something that I have, per se. I am not overly concerned about social embarrassment, in general. My issue is more of a feeling of being out of place or unwanted in social situations. I often find myself paranoid that people are talking about me or not wanting me around when I am there. I don’t know where this stems from, especially considering I am actually really good in social situations. It is just something I have always felt. Not the paranoia so much, but the feeling out of place or unwelcome. It’s never been something crippling to me in any way… that I know of. I just sometimes wonder if these periods where I don’t go anywhere, aside from work, may have something to do with that subconsciously. This is nothing but an idea in my head, though, and probably not a very good one.

So, when my Mom got home I told her about the text message from Sprint and that I thought it may be a better idea to just eat something at home instead, which she agreed to. I also decided to make a call to Sprint to see if there was anything that could be done to avoid an interruption in service before I get paid next week and can pay the bill. I have heard a lot of people recently, as well as over the years, bitch and complain about Sprint and their customer service. I’m not sure where that is coming from because I have been a customer with Sprint for about 5 years now and have had nothing but pleasant experiences with them anytime I have had to deal with them. Today was no different. I called them, told them the situation and that I wouldn’t be able to pay until next Friday, and they were completely nice about it and gave me an extension to ensure that I wouldn’t be shut off between now and then. They also helped me out with changing the plan for my second line, my Mom’s phone, in order to try and lower our monthly charges. Now it is just a matter of getting the bill caught up so there won’t be a late charge attached every month. It just sucks because I have never had a problem keeping my phone bill paid on time until now. Of course, the major change that took place was my Mom losing her job and adding a line for her. That made my bill considerably higher, and I had considerably less money to pay out on other bills and such every month. My bills getting higher at the same time as my cash flow getting less equates to me having trouble paying the bills. I am determined, at this point, to get it caught up and being able to just pay on time every month. I don’t think it will be that much of a struggle. It at least won’t be much more struggling than I am already doing. I absolutely hate the fact that I feel like LIFE is a struggle right now. Kabbalah teaches that the only things worth having in life are things we have to struggle for. It also states that struggling is a way for us to connect to the Light. If that is the case, then I am pretty sure that I must have a huge connection to the Light coming my way soon. I think maybe that Light, in this case, is the shine of the sun in California. That is the ultimate payoff I am working towards at this point, and I will struggle as much as I have to in order to get to that point. The struggles I am facing in the meantime are simply serving to make the payoff that much more sweet. I cannot wait.

While I was on the phone dealing with Sprint, my Mom was on the phone dealing with some shit of her own. She was arguing with her boyfriend about something that sounded pretty serious. This, once again, caused great concern for me. If they were to break up before I leave, I don’t know how I would deal with it. I just want to make sure that my Mom is in a place to get by okay without me. In talking about this in the past, I have mainly focused on the financial aspect. There ARE other aspects to be considered, though. I also want to make sure that she is in a good place emotionally for me to go away. That is what I am wanting for everybody in my life. I am pretty sure that my sister and her girlfriend are all set. I haven’t been a whole lot of emotional support to them, anyway, really. Another concern of mine has been Whitney, but with recent events I feel like she, and Nate, are pretty set, as well. There is also my friend Rachel, but she is doing really well for herself at this point, too. Of the main people I care about here, that only leaves my Mom. With things happening for everyone else to ensure they are going to be okay without me, all that is left is my Mom. Of course, she would be last. She is the one that is the biggest concern. Not to slight any of the others mentioned, but she is the only one that could possibly be a game changer for this whole thing. I just couldn’t, in good conscience, leave my Mom here in a situation that I don’t feel could work out for her or make it okay for her to get by without me. The Universe has been setting things up for me perfectly up to this point. It is clear that the Universe wants me to go back to California and find a way to fulfill the prophecy, (of sorts,) it revealed to me. For this reason, I am completely confident that my Mom’s situation is going to be improving very soon. To be even more certain of it, though, I am going to do anything I possibly can to help move that along in the right direction. Hearing her getting upset on the phone with her boyfriend definitely concerned me, though. Having sorted out the whole thing with Sprint for the moment and hearing how upset she was getting, I decided that going out for brunch and a drive would be a good idea to get her mind off of things. Once she got off the phone, we headed out.

We had initially discussed going down to Cracker Barrel, in Bradenton, but somewhere along the way we decided to go to this weird little “Country Buffet” type place there instead. Perhaps it is the elitist snob in me coming out, but I am never very comfortable in those places. This actually goes back to that whole “feeling out of place” thing I discussed earlier. I feel extremely out of place in any establishment with a name that involves words like “Country” or “Buffet.” Still, the food was decent and the meals were only $6.99 each, and $.75 for a drink. We ate there and just kind of talked for a while, and listened to their odd karaoke set up “live music,” while we ate. It is a very odd thing. We had gone to this same place once before and saw the same older gentleman with a karaoke system set up singing old songs about Georgia, (“Georgia On My Mind,” “Rainy Night In Georgia,” etc.) Today he added a few hidden gems to his repertoire, including “Cat’s In The Cradle,” and “Putting On The Ritz.” It’s a silly set up he’s got there, but I can definitely respect a guy of his age still doing what he can to live the dream. I figure if I don’t ever wind up achieving my goals, I could easily wind up being that guy. Thinking about it that way, I feel kind of bad that I didn’t go up and put a little something in his tip jar. Fortunately for me, though, I know that my life is not meant for something like that. I know that there are very big things in the future for me. What I need to remember, though, is that there are a million kids out there who feel exactly the same as I do right now. I have to let that drive me into the depths of myself and force me to push out the something truly amazing that I know is in there; something completely unique and different from what anybody else has to offer.

After leaving the “Country Buffet,” (which is in quotations because I don’t know the actual name of the place, only that it includes those two words somewhere in it,) we decided to drive out onto the keys in town and belt out songs from “Glee” in the car. My personal favorite is Lea Michele’s version of “Taking Chances” by Celine Dion. Of course, I would pick the song that was only featured in the episode for about a half a second. She just sings that song in a way similar to Celine, or the original by Kara Dioguardi’s band Platinum Weird, but really gives it a different vocal spin. I honestly kind of like her version best out of all of them. No matter who sings the song, though, it is one of my all-time favorites. It just feels like such an amazing feat of songwriting. It is really kind of a universal concept but written in a completely unique and beautiful way. I love that song. Another song, not featured on Glee but played in the car today, was “Both Sides Now.” I played the Dolly Parton version, but the song is written by Joni Mitchell and performed by Judy Collins originally. This is what I consider my favorite song of all-time, perhaps tied with “In The Sun” by Joseph Arthur. I just feel like “Both Sides Now” is a song that expressed a universal truth that has never really been conveyed, at least not as well, in music again. “Bows and flows of angel hair, Ice cream castles in the air, Feather canyons everywhere, I’ve looked at clouds that way, But now they only block the sun, They rain and snow on everyone, So many things I would have done, But clouds got in my way, I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still somehow it’s cloud illusions I recall, I really don’t know clouds at all.” I really relate to that song a lot in my life. I relate to that song in particular at this point. You see the ups and you see the downs and you think you’ve gotten a handle on it all, but then things happen that make you realize you really haven’t gotten a handle on anything. In the documentary from last year, “Britney Spears: For The Record,” Britney discusses her experiences of fame and celebrity and made a comment that has stuck with me ever since. She said that you can experience the absolute lowest thing you could imagine, a complete hell, but then at the same time you can experience absolute heaven. She said that when you are going through the hell, it feel like, well, hell, but then when you get to that heaven it is the greatest experience you could ever have. Of course, I haven’t had the full experience that she is talking about, at least not in the way she is talking about… but I feel like my life has always been a bit of a dichotomy. I have managed to experience the lowest I could imagine ever getting and I have experienced highs that I would never have imagined experiencing, in many cases at the same time. I just always related to that comment. The thing I understand now, though, is that there is a lot further for me to go in both directions. I understand that the future holds a LOT for me and I have a tendency to focus on the positives in the future, but I do know that there is going to be just as much of the downside in the future for me. I just have to prepare myself for anything. I mean, there really is no preparing for anything in life, but I can at least remain aware that there is a lot more coming.

When we got home, we made a frozen pizza and sat down to a movie: “Confessions Of A Shopaholic.” Aside from being one of the best movies I have seen in a while, (which is saying something because I have seen some great movies lately,) it is also a movie that I found myself relating to far too much for comfort. The main character, Rebecca Bloomwood, is a girl who loves shopping. She talks a lot in the movie about that feeling that comes over you when you see a store window display and see something gorgeous that you want. For many, that feeling is easy to dismiss. For some, though, that feeling becomes overwhelming and leads to compulsion. In the movie, you see many examples of how an addiction to shopping can become a real detriment to a person’s life. I haven’t ever gotten to that point, but I think that is only because I haven’t ever had the means to. I have certainly gotten myself into some pretty terrible binds from compulsive shopping, though. It just reminds me that if I had the money or the credit to really do severe damage to my life, I would most definitely be capable of doing it. This is the reason why I avoid things like credit cards and bank accounts at this point in my life. I have gotten myself into trouble with them before and I know am the type of person who would easily fall into that sort of trouble again. Another thing that really struck me about this movie was how much I could relate to her descriptions of the uncontrollable urge to shop. I am definitely familiar with that feeling. She talks about what a beautiful feeling it is to hand over a credit card or cash and be given back something you really love; something that makes you feel a little more special than you did before. This, again, relates to the concepts I have discussed recently about the roles of fashion in our lives. I can certainly see how people can get really caught up in trying to keep up with the world of fashion and can cause damage to their lives. Like I said, I have never had the means to do any real damage to my life by way of shopping but I know there will come a time when I do have considerably more money than I do now, and I hope to be able to remind myself of these ideas when that time does come.

Right now, though, I need to completely forget about the concept of shopping altogether. It is simply not something I have the option of doing right now. There are more important places for my money to go: My main fiscal focus right now needs to be on getting my cell phone bill caught up so I won’t have to get concerned about having it shut off again. That is one of the worst feelings one can possibly have, and I don’t intend to have it again. I am absolutely determined to get that caught up as soon as I possibly can. I haven’t got that much time left here, and I have plenty of things to be stressed out about in the time leading up to the move. I don’t want my cell phone to be one of those things. I think if I pay an extra hundred dollars over what I normally pay for rent and bills and such this coming paycheck, strictly to go towards the cell phone bill, and then do the same with the following paycheck, that should get it pretty damn close to being completely caught up, then moving forward the bill should be less with the changes in the plan and no late charges attached. I think this will work out just fine. Sure, I’ll be a little broke throughout the month of January but I think it will be well worth it. For now, though, I need to go to bed. It is almost 4am, and I need to wake up at a halfway decent hour tomorrow in order to prepare myself for waking up at my normal time on Monday. I am kind of dreading going back to work, but it’s what I have to do in order to keep the bills paid… I am doing the best that I can.