Chapter 77: So Happy I Could Die

Today was completely full without much of anything really happening. I woke up a bit later than I have been this week, and felt more of a desire to go back to bed than I have the rest of the week. When I woke up, around 7:40am, my Mom was talking to me and kind of in an implied way urging me to get up. I sat up in my bed and felt and old, familiar but still terrible feeling in my right calf. It was a Charlie Horse. I used to have a tendency to get them frequently and they would be pretty debilitating. I would call out of work those days, more often than not. For those who have never had one or aren’t familiar with them, it is essentially a fairly severe muscle spasm in your calf muscles. I used to get them all the time but back in 2007, when I was practicing the Secret my most diligently, I woke up with one and just put all my focus on feelings of relief and comfort and it disappeared. Before that time I would feel it for the rest of the day when I got them, but after focusing on it for a matter of minutes it completely dissipated. It was as if it had never happened. In fact, after that point they began happening much less frequently. This is the first time I can remember having one in at least a year. The process was not the same as it was that time in 2007, but I sat with it for just a few minutes and it was gone. I could still feel the soreness in my calf a bit, but it was very faint. My initial reaction to it, though, was that I wouldn’t be able to work out with my Mom this morning. After it went away, I got up and went through my morning routine and then sat at the computer for a little bit and considered not working out. I had an excellent excuse not to, but I also recognized that if I didn’t it would equate to me just making excuses not to do it. So, I got up and did it. It was a decent workout, although I will admit it was a little half-hearted. I figured prior to starting this whole thing that not every morning was going to be one where I woke up raring to go, but I am pretty dedicated to sticking with it and was proud of myself for doing it today, even if it was a little half-hearted.

Before the workout and all, I happened to find an email from the company I mentioned last night who had the ad on Craig’s List for t-shirt designs. I had emailed them last night just kind of explaining the type of work I have been doing and some of the concepts and inspirations behind them and such. The email I received in response was pretty simple. It basically said that they liked the concepts of my work, they think that they could work for what they’re doing and would like me to email some designs to them and if they like some they will negotiate a price with me. This had me pretty over the moon, honestly. As I have mentioned a few times recently, I am trying to live in the headspace of an artist and I have been feeling more like a genuine artist than I ever had before. Not just a musical artist; Like an all-around artist working in multiple mediums. I could try to play it off like it isn’t a big deal or like, “Yeah, well, I’m an artist and this is just what artists do,” but I am really kind of freaking out with excitement over everything that has popped up recently. In some small way, I kind of feel a little more like Lady Gaga. Obviously, I feel like Lady Gaga in much smaller terms. Even Lady Gaga had to start somewhere, though, and I imagine when she made small bits of progress like this she probably felt something similar to what I am feeling right now. Of course, this email also posed a bit of a problem: All of my drawings, thus far, have been done on very small pieces of scrap paper from work or in my sketchbook, which is even smaller.

When I got to work today, one of the first things I did was ask my sister for some blank sheets of full-sized paper. I figured the best idea would be to take some of the drawings I did on the small paper and recreate them on bigger paper. She gave me some of the legal sized paper, which is longer than your average paper. I don’t think I realized before what a big undertaking recreating those small drawings on large paper was, though. I mean, I had a lot to do today. We didn’t have a ton of calls, but I had a very large amount of work to do from a fax I was given last night, as well as administrative stuff I had to do today. The first portion of my day was spent on that but once I finished the rest of my day was dedicated to working on taking a small drawing and recreating it on a large piece of paper. I decided to work with my favorite of the group I have done so far, the “So Happy I Could Die” one from the “Fame Monster” series, (which I completed yesterday with my drawing for “Teeth.”) I really took my time with this one and did everything I could to make sure that it was perfect, and I have to say I am really proud of how it turned out. I really think it is the best thing I have done so far. I only drew the picture at this point, though, and I can’t decide if I should submit it without being colored in or not. It makes sense to me that they would want it in color, being for a t-shirt, but at the same time I can never be too sure. I talked to my Mom about that a little bit and she thought that I should scan it as is, then color it in and scan it that way, as well. I’m just not entirely sure of what exactly they are looking for, so I am a little confused as to what to submit. I only got the one done today. I don’t plan to submit all of them, only the ones I feel are the best. My sister gave me 4 sheets of paper, so I figure 4 designs is a good number. I am already thinking about which of the others I should do. I like the idea of submitting the one for “Monster,” although I don’t know that it really falls into the description I gave of the work I’ve been doing. I think the drawings based on the song “Speechless” and the one I did before inspired by the song “The Story” by Brandi Carlile would be good ideas to submit, but I feel like I should probably choose between the two because they are kind of similar. At the same time, though, they are also very different concepts. They are just executed in similar ways. I just want to make sure to submit the best things that I have done, and I think both of those drawings would fall into that category. I’ll figure it out as I go, though. That is probably the best way for me to work, I think. Whatever I submit, I am very excited for the whole thing. Even if they don’t wind up selecting any of them, it is very cool to actually be taking a chance on trying to do something with my work. I won’t be discouraged if they don’t select anything, either. These are my very first works, after all, and that will give me an idea of how I should proceed and what I should work on moving forward. It is all just a really exciting process.

I spent most of the workday working on that drawing, so there wasn’t really a lot that went on while I was there. I really managed to keep my focus on that and barely spoke to any of my co-workers or anything. It was well worth it, too, I said. I was telling my sister about the whole thing and I said something along the lines of, “If I’m going to sit around here drawing all day, anyway, I may as well see if I can make some extra cash off of it.” I said it to her in a very flippant way, but I also feel like if that worked out I would be able to give myself a title I have been working towards for years: Working artist. It’s funny that this medium, that I never in a million years would have thought I’d work in, would be the one to earn me that title first. I will get there with music, but why not work on something else in the meantime? It’s also helped along by the fact that I could certainly use the extra cash. I don’t know what type of prices these people have in mind exactly but if it is anything similar to what Threadless pays, that could make a very big difference in my life right now. That could pay my Mom’s car payment and get the cell phone bill current and buy me my Sony Bloggie. It could also buy me a really great shopping trip, which I have missed terribly. In fact, now that I am thinking about it, that could buy me some Tom Ford glasses, which was my New Year’s Resolution. I don’t know what exactly what I would do with the cash, if it is anywhere near the amounts that Threadless offers, but it would definitely be a really amazing thing to happen for me. We’ll see. While I was telling my sister about this, though, she mentioned that she really wants to put a portfolio together of her work and try to do something with it, as well. My sister is a really talented artist, much more than I am in terms of the visual arts, and I think it would be a really great idea for her to put something together. I really hope she does, and it is definitely something I will continue to encourage her to do. She has encouraged me enough throughout my life, after all. Sure, her methods are a bit off sometimes, but the intention is always positive.

Speaking of the artist headspace versus the person headspace, I have managed to throw together a little gathering for a few of my very close friends this Saturday night. Nate and Whitney will be there, as well as two friends who I haven’t seen in months and have found myself really missing. It should be a fun-filled evening in regular person headspace. I figure it is probably a good thing to have a certain amount of balance between the two, but what I want is to live a life where the balance is a little off in the opposite direction than where it has been up until recently. I also want my person headspace to be used in all the best situations, and an evening of fun times with good friends sounds like a perfect way to use a little bit of that. It will be really good to spend a little time with my friends, and catching up with the two who I haven’t seen in so long. I am really kind of excited about the whole thing. I am trying to decide whether to cook or not. I have a recipe I got from one of my friends at work that I would really like to try for myself. It’s a lot of spicy stuff, but I think it’ll be good. I need to remember to watch my cash this pay period, though. I promised to take one of my co-workers out to dinner next weekend at a restaurant that isn’t TOO expensive but will definitely require a little bit of cash. Also, in the second week after getting paid, I am going to the Owl City concert. That doesn’t really REQUIRE a lot of cash in hand, but it is always nicer to have a little cash on hand to buy t-shirts and such from the merchandise booths there, especially if the artists wind up hanging out there as they often do in small venues like this. I am really excited to see Owl City and the opening act, another favorite of mine, Lights. I think this will be a really amazing show and both of these artists are very big inspirations to me, and make a very similar style of music to what I hope to make. I think it will be very inspiring to see them both live. I am also excited because Whitney will be the one coming to the show with me, and it has been a while since Whitney and I have gone out and done something just the two of us. I am really excited for that.

As I discussed earlier, I have been working really hard to stay in the artist headspace over the regular person headspace. I feel like that is really paying off for me right now, in many ways. In the past week or so, I have honestly felt genuinely happier than I have in a very long time. I just feel like I have a real sense of direction right now. I feel like I know exactly what I am doing with my life and am taking steps towards turning it into exactly what I want it to be. More than that, though, I feel like I am really doing what I have to do to earn that happiness. It is a wonderful place to be in and I am extremely grateful that the Universe has blessed me with so much lately. Most of all, the Universe has blessed me with a sense of purpose and is showing me the signs that are leading me in all the right directions to achieve that purpose. I just really have this feeling like right now in life I am exactly where I need to be, and that is one of the greatest feelings one can ever have. I appreciate it. Now, though, it is time for bed.