Chapter 61: Move Forward

Today. Today was that day; that day when you realize that everything is exactly how it is supposed to be in that moment. Is it supposed to stay that way? No. My life is not supposed to be like it was today forever, but it was exactly how it was supposed to be today. It reminds me of this song by Natalie Imbruglia, from my favorite album of hers “White Lilies Island.” The song, in fact, is called “That Day,” and the chorus says, “That day, that day, I lay down beside myself in the feeling of pain, sadness, scared, small, climbing, crawling towards the light, and it’s all that I see, and I’m tired, and it’s right, and it’s wrong, and it’s beautiful. That day, that day, what a mess, what a marvel, and we’re all the same but no one thinks so, and it’s okay, and I’m small, and I’m divine, and it’s beautiful, and it’s coming, and it’s already here, and it’s absolutely perfect.” Typing those lyrics out, or reading them back, it probably seems like nothing but a jumbled mess… but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? That’s kind of how I felt today: a jumbled mess, but intentionally so. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but I’m guessing some of you who may wind up reading this will understand exactly what I am trying to say.

I woke up and found that my Mom was in better spirits than she was yesterday, which is a very good thing. I don’t know what is going to do it for her but whatever it may be, I just have this feeling like it is coming. It is coming very soon. Whatever it is that is going to pick her up off the ground and make everything right for her is well on it’s way and once it arrives, me moving to California will be the last thing on her mind. Well, I’m sure it won’t be the last thing on her mind, but it will be looked at fondly. I say this as if she doesn’t look at it fondly already. I mean, she does, but I think she also looks at it with hesitancy. Hesitancy is not something I can afford at this point. Hesitancy is the enemy. This is one major problem with making big decisions in advance. When you decide on things early you allow yourself more time to plan and prepare, but you also allow yourself more time to analyze and over-think them. Analyzing and over-thinking are the gateways through which we allow things like hesitancy and fear into our lives. Well, I’m sorry, but those gateways are closed for business. Nothing is getting in. Sure, that may mean I am closed off to a few positive things like caution, logic and rationality, as well, but I don’t need those things right now. They do not serve my cause here, and I am fine with not being open to anything that does not serve my cause.

Still no email or call from my Uncle. It’s only been two days. I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I just have to be patient about it all. I will hear from him, and I don’t doubt that he will let me come stay with him. Everything is going to fall into place as it is meant to. Everything is going to be fucking wonderful. I don’t doubt that for a second. What I need to focus on now is enjoying the time I have left here while making plans for what comes next: California. It’s funny, though, because every little thing here takes me back to California in my head. It has been extremely cold these past few days, and my smoke breaks at work are pretty unbearable because it is freezing. I find myself on every one of those breaks thinking to myself, “I’ll bet it’s not this cold in California.” I almost feel like I am, in a way, completely romanticizing California. I grew up there. I spent my formative years there. I know what it’s like, and it certainly isn’t a rose garden. The more I think about it now, though, the more I can only see the good. I’m sure once I get there that whole concept will go out the window… but I don’t know. Maybe it won’t. I hope that I will, and I will strive to, let all of these feelings I am feeling about it right now remain and really make me appreciate it all once I get there. I don’t doubt that I will have any trouble appreciating it, but I also know that the ideals I am dreaming up in my head right now are sure to not remain once I am living the reality of it all. Either way, though, I know that it will be completely different than the reality I am living in now. I think different is exactly what I need.

I am listening to this band that I discovered about an hour ago, called Vedera. I had heard their name before, but never really knew much of anything about them. I happened to be looking at iTunes and saw that they had the Free Single Of The Week. I have discovered quite a few different artists that I have come to really love by way of the iTunes Free Single Of The Week, including Lenka, Kate Walsh, Ida Maria, etc. Vedera is sure to be added to that list. The band is made up of Kristen May and her husband/lead guitarist Brian Little, and their music is just gorgeous. It is rock, at its core, but has big, infectious pop hooks. Kristen May’s vocals are really the part that sucks you in, though. She’s got this gorgeous, airy voice that is reminiscent of Natalie Imbruglia or Leigh Nash from Sixpence None The Richer, but all her own. She has this amazing ability to move between really strong, powerhouse belting and soft, sweet lilting. I love artists who can move from emotion to emotion with ease from song to song, and even better when they can do it all within a single song. Their major label debut album, “Stages” is absolutely stunning. I just finished listening to it for the first time, and immediately played it from the beginning again. I am pretty sure this is going to become one of those records I listen to obsessively for months. I am very excited about it. Key tracks include the first single, and the iTunes Free Single Of The Week, “Satisfy,” “If You Go,” “Loving Ghosts,” “A World Apart,” “Back To The Middle,” “The Rain,” and basically the rest of the album. It is really a gorgeous collection of songs and I highly recommend it. It’s hot shit.

So, today was another busy day at work. It was also my Admin day. Essentially, myself and one of my co-workers kind of split the Administrative work that comes in, like web enrollments and various accounts that have failed and things of that nature. We don’t really split it, per se, but she does three days a week and I do the other two. Today was that day for me, but with the phones being busy I was a little sporadic in getting things done. I’d finish one or two things, then stop to take calls that were holding, then complete a couple more things. I managed to stay very busy all day today. Unfortunately, that didn’t make the day pass as quickly as it did yesterday, but it wasn’t a day that really dragged, either. I managed to finish the drawing I talked about yesterday, inspired by the Brandi Carlile song “The Story.” I really like the way it turned out, too. As I have mentioned a few times here, I think that I have figured out that the whole drawing kick I have been on recently is related to fashion. I think my idle drawings could wind up being a really cool collection of t-shirts and dresses and such. I have always had an interest in fashion, but have only really discovered my real love for it fairly recently. It is a beautiful art, and one I kind of hope to take part in somewhere down the road.

One thing happened today at work that I found really interesting. Early in the day, our program manager came to my desk and asked me to sign off and come see him in his office. Based on the great deal of visits I had to pay to his office when I worked there before, I kind of have an automatic reflex of being concerned or feeling like I am getting in trouble any time I am asked to go in there. I think he sensed that, because he said, “Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. It’ll just take a second.” He pulled me into his office to confirm with me, as he had heard from my sister and her girlfriend, that I rescinded my application for the position that is open right now. He even knew that it was because I was planning to move to California. I told him that, yes, this was my plan and that I felt it would be unfair to the management team, as well as the other applicants, for me to pursue it when I did not have the intention of being there very much longer. He said he appreciated that, and just wanted to make sure that he wasn’t leaving me out as he is preparing to do interviews and such. He also wished me luck and said he hoped things work out the way I want them to. He absolutely did not have to do that, and I was very impressed with that. As it turns out, things have improved between us since I came back to the account last year. It is a nice feeling, honestly, and kind of makes me feel like these people, the management on the account, finally actually take me seriously, in spite of my makeup and flamboyancy. That is a really good feeling, and one I absolutely never expected to have. It also makes me feel like if I am able to get this guy who really didn’t even want to let me back on his account to change his mind about me, I can get anybody to. That is a very powerful thing. As I’ve discussed here before, I have always struggled with trying to be taken seriously, so this feels like a great stride in the right direction.

The main thing about today, as I mentioned above, is that it felt like in this moment, on this day, everything is exactly as it is meant to be. How so? Well, I am here, 100% ready and willing and placing myself in the perfect position to move forward. One song on the Vedera album that I did not mention is called just that, “Move Forward.” That song, which is not actually included on their album except as an iTunes Bonus Track, really kind of sums up how I am feeling at this point. I feel the need to move forward with my life. I wouldn’t say that my time here in Florida has not been immensely helpful in my quest to move forward. I feel like, in so many ways, Florida has helped me become the person that I am today; a person who is ready to move forward. A person without fear or hesitancy, who is ready to take on anything and everything in pursuit of my destiny, I don’t know if, had I stayed in California back in 2004, I would be the person I am today. I don’t know if I would be as strong as I am now. Yes, living in Florida was an extremely important step along the road… but now that the step has been taken, it is time to take a brand new step. Okay, so the step may be on old, familiar territory, but the step is being taken as a brand new person heading in a brand new direction. THAT is the important part. I just know that I am going to achieve something incredible, and I simply cannot wait to get started. I cannot wait to move forward.