Chapter 70: Incomplete

Okay, so for the past few days I have kind of deviated from the whole “discussing my day,” type of thing in the blog in favor of focusing on major issues I have been having in my life. The blog has been examining a much broader perspective than it usually does these past few days. That is both a good thing and a bad thing at the same time, I think. Those past couple blogs have been immeasurably helpful in sorting out some things in my mind, and have helped me make one of the biggest decisions I have had to make in my life. They also helped me to devise a plan of action for what to do with that decision. Writing those past few blogs have really been the best way to really sort through all of my thoughts on the matter, and I feel extremely grateful to be able to say that I have made an informed, realistic decision, taking into consideration both what I know my life is meant to be and what my life is realistically.

So, what have I decided? I have decided that I am NOT moving to California in May. This is not to say that I won’t move back to California in the future, but I have come to realize that this isn’t the right decision for me right now. Not only is it not the right decision for ME right now but, as much as I have said that I need to be selfish about the whole thing, it is also not the right decision for the people around me. That mainly means my Mother. As I said before, I know that she would be able to get by just fine without me here but I also know that it would make things a LOT different for her and would have a lot of negative impact on her life. She has done so much for me in my life that it would just feel completely wrong to leave her in the lurch. Every time I talked to her about the whole thing she would say things like, “I don’t want to stop you from chasing your dreams.” The thing I have come to understand, though, is that my dreams are not something I need to chase; they are something that I already have. They are inside me. What I need is to find a way to access them. I already feel like I am making pretty great strides towards that. Admittedly, they aren’t really great strides, but they are strides in the right direction. The point is, I can achieve my dreams from right here. I don’t actually need to go anywhere. Plus, I have always said that I want to make them happen organically. I want to create my life for myself. I want to create my dreams. I don’t want to find them anywhere outside of myself. Looking at it like that, it makes so much more sense to stay where I am. Plus, I have some plans in mind that could make it all so much sweeter.

My plans for my income tax previously were to not file it until April or so, and put it towards the move. Now that said move is not going to take place I essentially have a little chunk of money coming to me that I need to find ways to use. Don’t get me wrong most of it will go towards things like making sure my cell phone bill remains current. I also plan on using about $250 to pay off my dental bills, mainly so I can go back to the dentist and get more done inside my mouth. There are still a few issues in there, (basically just cavities,) and I would like to go get them all taken care of. Plus, I would feel bad if I just left that unpaid when I know I will have the cash to take care of it. I am assuming that I will be getting back something along the lines of $600-800. The only other plan I have for that, aside from my cell phone and dentist bills, is to buy a camera. Not just any camera, though, but the fancy new Sony Bloggie. This camera is basically made specifically for use with things like YouTube, Facebook, Twitvid, blogs, etc. No, I don’t plan on trying to become some sort of YouTube celebrity or anything, (that would be my friend Nate’s territory,) but there are two different things that I want this camera for. First of all, once I actually have a good deal of songs written, (probably after this blog is completed,) I would like to use YouTube to kind of showcase some of my music and put it out into the world. You see a lot of different artists who have really made an impact that way and, if I am planning on doing this “grass-roots” style, this is definitely a tool I could use for that. The other reason is a concept I came up with fairly recently for something to do once the blog is finished. Essentially, I want to film moments from the remainder of this story of one year and create a short film of sorts out of them. The idea I have would be kind of an amalgamation of a year’s worth of life, set to some of the music I write, reminiscent of Mark’s film at the end of “Rent,” except not an actual film. It would serve more as a music video, or a teaser trailer for the record I put together. Also, I just think it would be cool to have something to capture these moments in my life. Any remaining money from that would go towards music lessons, although I plan on taking music lessons even if there is no remaining money. It’ll take some small sacrifices, but taking music lessons would be well worth taking away from the little bit of cash I have after paying rent and bills and such. I look at music lessons as less of a luxury and more of a major investment in my future.

“American Idol” is back. I could try to deny it, but I love that show. I have planned to go audition every year since the first season, but never have. Watching the auditions this year has really lit a bit of a fire under my ass and I am beginning to think about it again for next season. The reason I didn’t wind up going for this current season is because I had these ideals about not wanting to be famous and things like that, but recent Adam Lambert interviews have really made me put a little more thought into that. While I don’t really have the desire to be famous what I do have the desire for is to acquire a fan base. In the music industry and what it has become in recent years, people aren’t really “discovered” anymore. An artist doesn’t become discovered by a label and then put out in the market to develop a fan base anymore; they kind of have to develop a fan base for themselves in order to get the attention of labels. There are a few different ways that people can do this. For example, Jay Brannan appeared in a film, “Shortbus,” in which he basically played a version of himself and performed some of his own music. Along with that film came a fan base. Schuyler Fisk took a similar path, except that she was actually an actress and appeared in many films before making the move into music. Lori McKenna self-produced, recorded and released music for a few years before her music was heard by Faith Hill, who wanted to cover a few of her songs and co-write a few others with her. That brought a lot of fans in, especially after Faith took her on tour with her and, more importantly, took her on Oprah with her. Adam Lambert, on the other hand, went on “American Idol.” That has worked out amazingly well for him. I don’t necessarily want the same type of career or following that he has, but I really like the way “American Idol” has turned out for Katharine McPhee. She is somebody who I would like to have a career like, (minus the misguided film work and Japanese airline commercials.) Even people like Jim Varraros have managed to make decent careers out of “American Idol.” I honestly don’t know how far I could really get in that whole process, but you never know until you try, right?

Either way, “American Idol” or not, I really feel like I have got a pretty solid plan for making big things happen for me if I stay here. Even more, I feel like I have a pretty solid plan for making things happen for myself organically from here, and I like that idea better than anything else. Like I said before, what I want more than anything is to put in the work and really earn these things for myself. Like Madonna said in the song “Easy Ride” from her “American Life” album, “I want the good life, but I don’t want an easy ride, what I want is to work for it.” That is really how I feel right now. I don’t want anything to fall into my lap or just come to me. I want to make things happen for me, not have things happen to me. Plus, I don’t know if I’ve stressed enough here how big a factor my friends and family here are in my decision not to leave. Just before I decided to move I also started feeling a great big disconnect from all of them. Not to say that the plan to move to California was ever about running away from that problem, but it was more about giving up on trying to fix it. I know that the decision to stay here may come across to some people as me giving up on something, but I have really come to feel like leaving would be the bigger form of giving up. I’d rather give up on a misguided quest for a lifestyle I don’t even necessarily really want at the end of the day than give up on trying to mend my connection with people that I care about. Plus, as I keep saying here, Jay Brannan still lives in a rent-controlled apartment in New York. Lori McKenna still lives in Stoughton, Mass. I can achieve what they have achieved and still live in Sarasota, FL. That is one of the beauties of the music industry these days; you can make a name for yourself and forge a career from anywhere. My dreams are in my reach just as much from here as they are from LA. Plus, I kind of have more of a chance at them from here. That movie I watched recently, “Spread,” talked about the fact that the arrivals and departures gates at LAX are on different floors, and said that this may be so that all the fresh-faced, bright eyed kids arriving with big dreams of making a name for themselves don’t see the hoards of worn-down, shattered kids there are departing to return to their hometowns having not made it. I don’t want to be either of those kids. I want to be the kid who can manage to make a name for himself from right where he is. THAT is my dream. All of the benefits of LA that I have been considering have come to seem a lot less beneficial than they did before. I will always love that city, it will always be my home and I don’t doubt that I’ll end up back there eventually, but right now it feels like I need to remind myself that, like Tom Waits said, “Anywhere I lay my head, I’m going to call my home.”

To end this blog, though, I am reminded of a song by Alanis Morissette that says, “I have been running, so sweaty, my whole life desperate for a finish line, I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.“ That is how I feel right now. I have been focusing so much on the finish line that I have neglected to recognize the beauty in the fact that the finish line doesn’t actually exist. As humans we are constantly changing, growing and evolving. As soon as you achieve one goal or dream, another will arise. There is always more to achieve. We are never done. I will never be done. There will always be something else for me to strive for, and that is a beautiful thing. Right now, that is the most beautiful feeling I can imagine and I am grateful to feel it.

“Ever unfolding, ever expanding, ever adventurous and torturous, but never done.”