Chapter 59: Do You Know Where You're Going To

Today was another lazy day to cap off a very lazy three-day weekend. I woke up at 11:30am and immediately gathered up a load of laundry. There were only a few things that I really felt needed to be done this weekend in order for me to consider it a productive weekend: Laundry, cleaning my room and sending the email I mentioned in the past two blogs to my Uncle and asking to stay with him. Two out of three’s not bad, I suppose. First things first, I decided to gather up laundry and at least get the stuff scattered all over my bathroom floor cleaned today. I actually managed to complete that goal by the early evening time tonight. Laundry, as much as people bitch about it, is really not difficult and takes no time at all to do. Of course, I think the people who bitch about it the most are the ones who don’t have a washer/dryer at home. In their case, I definitely feel their pain. We were those people up until April of 2009, when we moved into this apartment. Laundry itself is not a difficult or even annoying process, but the Laundromat is definitely a terrible experience. I used to hate those places. Sadly, I didn’t really deal with them that much. I made my Mom go do it by herself. I feel really guilty for that, looking back. She always said she didn’t mind or whatever, but I know how much the Laundromat sucks when you have someone to talk to, I can only imagine how awful it must be when you’re alone. Looking back on my more recent life, really up to the point that she lost her job, I feel terrible about some of the ways I treated my Mom. I wouldn’t say that I treated her horribly, but I think I took a lot of things she did for granted and really didn’t do anything at all out of my way to make things any easier for her, while she did everything she could to make things easier for me.

I did wind up writing the email to my Uncle today, as well. As I have mentioned here before, I have been very nervous about approaching the whole concept with him. I don’t really know why, except that it is really a lot to ask of somebody. I know we are family and I know he has said to both my Mom and my Grandma that I would be welcome, but I don’t want to be an inconvenience or put him out in any way. I said that in the email, as well, and stressed that I completely understand if he says no. I also said it would only be temporary, until I could get on my feet there and find a place of my own, and that I am more than willing and happy to help with rent and bills while I am there. We’ll see what comes of that. I am sure that he will let me come stay with him. I just don’t want to put him out in any way. I don’t know why, but I still feel really nervous about the whole thing. I think, really, what I am nervous about is what it means if he does say yes. As much as I know that this is the right thing for me and I really have to do it, now that I am actually taking steps towards making it happen it is starting to freak me out. I know I talked before about how I didn’t really feel any fear about the whole thing, but now that I am taking steps towards making the whole thing a more solid plan I am starting to understand the risks involved a lot more than I did before. I know it is the best thing for me right now and I know that this is absolutely what I need to do if I am ever going to make anything of my life… but what if I get out there and it just doesn’t happen for me? What if I get out there and I am not able to get my shit together? What if I am incapable of functioning on my own as an adult? What if I go all the way out there and completely crash and burn? NO! That talk has to stop now. I know that will not happen. That is not what my life is meant for and I will not allow myself to fall into complacency or settle for a life that isn’t exactly what I know is meant for me. I have complete confidence in my abilities, and I know that I have everything it takes to make all of my dreams come true. There is no room for doubt. There is no room for concerns or thoughts of “what if I’m not good enough?” or “what if I’m not capable?” or any of that. I AM good enough. I AM capable. I WILL make this happen. I will because there is not another option. There is not another option because I am unwilling to accept any other options. I have been shown what I am meant for. I have known it since I was just a child. I have seen the road laid out in front of me and I absolutely refuse to let any fears stop me from following it.

I had a talk with my Mom about what I discussed yesterday, and how I felt like everybody else in my life is equipped to make it by without me and how I am not sure that she is. She is not being the most optimistic about her prospects once I leave, either, and that really upsets me. She keeps telling me that I need to do this no matter what type of position she is in at the time, but I just can’t imagine leaving when she is not in a stable position in life. She says that she doesn’t know how she would feel about living alone because she never has before, but also says that is what she will likely end up doing. I don’t know what to think about that. I don’t know what to think about any of it right now. I KNOW that I need to go. I know that is what I simply have to do, but I can’t leave her here unable to support herself. She needs a better job and she needs it as soon as possible. She said something today about living alone that really got to me; “I’ll probably have to get a second job, so I won’t be home much anyway.” I’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO GET A SECOND JOB, as in “I won’t be able to support myself without working all day every day.” I hate the idea of that. I hate the way it was worded, although I know she didn’t mean anything by it. It read to me as, “(Without you helping me) I’ll have to work all day every day in order to barely scrape by in life.” I CAN’T let that happen. Something has to change immediately. We’re just going to have to keep working at that in the coming months and make sure that she is a position where she won’t have to work all day every day. Aside from that, I think living alone would be okay for her. She’s got my sister here in town and, surely with her living alone, my sister would make sure to check in on her and spend time with her more often than she does now. It could actually be a good opportunity for the two of them to get closer than they are currently. She also has her boyfriend, which will be a big help to her, as well. I mean, I know as long as she gets a better paying job she will be able to manage just fine. I just don’t want her to be unhappy. When I think about it more, what I really wish could happen is for her to just move to California with me. I don’t think that can or will happen for a number of reasons, but it would be nice. No matter what, though, I know that this is what I need to do FOR ME. I have said all along that I need to throw everything else to the wind and be selfish in this situation and I am comfortable with that, for the most part. After everything she has done for me in my life, though, I can’t just disregard how my Mom feels or how she will be able to get by. She is very supportive of the whole thing, but if it is going to leave her in a terrible position I don’t know that I CAN just go be selfish and do what I need for me. It is absolutely imperative that we get her into a better paying job as soon as possible. That is the only option, and I know that I need this enough to make sure that nothing happens to prevent it from happening. I have said all along that the only thing that could prevent it from happening is if my Mom is not in a stable position to get by on her own… so I simply have to make sure that she is in a good position before May comes.

I spent most of the day watching funny gay people on TV, a.k.a. various standup specials on Logo. It’s been a long running joke for most of my life between Don and I that we call standup comedy shows, “funny whatever type people.” This stemmed from when we were younger and watched way too much TV together. There is a show on BET called “Comic View,” but at the time we did not know what it was called or just didn’t pay attention to the title. When flipping through channels we would often stop there and shout, “funny black people!” I don’t know how that came about exactly but, as far as we were concerned, that was simply what the show was called. I turned on these funny gay people at something like 2pm, and they stayed on the TV until 9pm when it was time for “Desperate Housewives.” Tonight’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” was amazing. I’m sure I have mentioned here before, but that is one of my absolute favorite shows. The writing is just brilliant. In the mid-season finale, a plane crashed into Wisteria Lane and tonight’s episode dealt with the aftermath in the most fascinating way: They had each housewife imagining what their life would be like had things gone differently for them or if they had made different decisions. This really got me thinking about things in my life right now. What would my life turn out like if I don’t move back to California? I would imagine that if I don’t go back to California, I’d probably stick around working at the place that shall not be named for security purposes and probably be pissed at myself for not pursuing a promotion when I had the chance. I’d surely remain living with my Mom, although I think we would find a less expensive place to live to suit our current financial status. I’d still hang out with my friends and probably allow myself to become closer with some of the people I work with. I’d also probably spend a lot of time wondering about what could have happened if I had gone back to California. That wouldn’t stop me from working on music still and I would probably eventually start writing my own music and still complete the collection of songs based on this blog. Eventually, I’d probably start booking myself some gigs at local bars and such, and once I’d learned how to drive, booking gigs in other areas around the state, as well. Maybe I would be able to get to the point of being one of those people who plays outside of the House Of Blues in Orlando. Maybe I would even eventually wind up moving to Orlando and continue pursuing my music career there. Orlando is full of indie bands and such, and it could still happen for me there. More likely, though, I would stay small-scale and simply sell my CDs at shows and online. Maybe I would do like Jay Brannan has and figure out a way to fund my own tour nationally, but I don’t have a film or anything like he has to create enough interest to demand a national tour. Still, I could probably wind up living a fairly comfortable life making music locally and gaining small-scale notoriety. That is not the life that I want, though. That is not the life that I am meant for. As I have said here before, I don’t want to be any sort of big shot celebrity or anything, but I want my music to reach enough people to make an impact and inspire real changes in people’s lives. Gaining some notoriety in Orlando isn’t the way to do that. I need to go to a place where there are real opportunities for success. I need to live in a major city. I need to make an impact on people’s lives all over the country and all over the world. That is what I am meant for. So, what I need to do is go to California. What I need to do in order to make sure that happens is make sure that my Mom is sorted out and will be okay to stay here or has a plan to go somewhere else. I need to make sure that I make my way out to California.

“Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know? Do you get what you’re hoping for? When you look behind you there’s no open doors, What are you hoping for? Do you know?” That is a song by Diana Ross, the theme from the film “Mahogany.” This song has always been close to my heart, and is no different at this time. I remember, back in 2000, when we were living in Arkansas and my Mom decided to move to Florida and I moved back to California. There was a little selection of songs that were my anthems at the time that made me think of my Mom, and this was one of them. It is funny thinking of that now, as I am listening to that song and asking myself those same questions. It kind of feels like, in a lot of ways, my life has come full circle from that point. “Now looking back at all we've planned, We let so many dreams just slip through our hands, Why must we wait so long before we see how sad the answers to those questions can be?”