Chapter 69: Stars

There are a lot of different places I turn for answers to the questions life may throw my way but nine times out of ten, the answers can be found in music. There are a lot of different artists I will turn to, with vast catalogs of music to sift through. Sometimes I will just select a random artist I am feeling connected to at the moment, like Madonna, Liz Phair, Alanis Morissette, Jewel, Sarah McLachlan, Sheryl Crow, etc., and just put all of their music on a shuffle and wait for something to come to me. This is what I am doing tonight. So, who is the artist of the evening? Kylie Minogue. Kylie Minogue is one of my favorite musical artists of all time. She is, at least, in my top five. I love the fact that she, like Madonna, manages to make pop music with spirit and meaning to it. She is a brilliant talent, and every bit as deserving of accolade as Madonna or any of those other divas that have achieved Icon status. Tonight, she is also where I am turning to for answers.

The first track to play in this shuffle is one of my favorites of hers, and one that has really spoken to me a lot in the past, called “Stars.” The chorus of this song says, “You never know what you’ll find because stars don’t shine in singular places.” That line holds a lot of weight for me right now, with the big question on my mind right now: Should I stay or should I go? “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” is actually a song by The Clash that Kylie covered on her “Intimate & Live” DVD concert. That is not the focus right now. That song asks the question, but it does not answer it. “Stars” definitely puts things in perspective, though. I have been so focused on moving to LA and making things happen for me there that I have lost sight of the fact that, should I stay here in Florida, I can make things happen just as well for me here. Stars don’t only shine in California. Stars can shine anywhere. Stars can shine right here in Sarasota, FL. What is a star, anyway? A star is a source of Light, and Light is what I am looking to achieve. Is there opportunity for Light in LA? Immensely. Is there just as much opportunity for Light here? Absolutely. In some ways, I kind of feel like running off to California would be the biggest form of copping out that I could perform right now. I was talking to my Mom about the fact that I was kind of feeling alienated from all of my friends and family here when the whole concept of moving to California came up and I began charging full speed ahead with the idea. While I certainly feel that it would be a big step for me to take and could lead to a lot of wonderful things, I also kind of feel like it would be a way of running away from all the people and the job and everything I don’t really know how to deal with here right now. It would be just like when I moved here in 2002, or when I left here in 2003, or when I moved to Arkansas in 1998. Essentially, it has been a pattern for me to just completely overhaul my entire life and start all over again. Like the Carrie Underwood song I referenced in last night’s blog, “I’ve always been a quitter.” I don’t want this pattern to keep repeating. I kind of feel like sticking it out here and figuring out how to deal with all the people and the job and all those other things would be the real way to connect to the Light. Again, though, there are immense opportunities for Light whichever way I go. Stars are shining over LA just as much as they are shining over Sarasota, FL.

The song playing now is another favorite Kylie song of mine, called “Please Stay,” from her album “Light Years.” This song also has a chorus that speaks to me in a lot of ways right now. “Please stay, my babe, who knows when we’ll dance again? I don’t want to know regret, I’ll do all that I can just to get you to stay.” The specific part of that line that has always gotten to me is the part where she says “I don’t want to know regret.” I feel very fortunate at this point in my life to be able to say that I honestly do not know regret. I really don’t want to start now. As much as there is immense opportunity for Light whichever way I go, there is also immense opportunity for regret. If I stay here, I could wind up forever regretting not taking this chance and going to California now, but if I go I would probably carry a lot of regret about not sticking it out and trying to make it work here. The more I think about it the more I kind of feel like as many times as I have just picked up and moved across the country in the past, it almost seems like that would be the less scary option. Plus, clearly all those times starting over in the past haven’t gotten me to where I need to be. Maybe the real answer is to just stop running away and actually try to make it work and make things happen for myself where I am.

I have this friend who I used to work with at Borders, the first time I worked there, who was also a musician. He was a really cool guy and we were pretty cool with each other. I still run into him every now and then. This guy still lives here in Sarasota, still works a normal job, still lives the life that he always has, but he also started a band called The Cautioners, and their debut album is on iTunes right now. They’ve played a bunch of shows here in town and are really making great strides towards getting a foot in the door. Plus, their album is absolutely amazing. This guy has become a huge inspiration to me because he is doing exactly what I want to do. I was talking to my Mom about all of this and our conversation kind of made me realize that I have kind of lost sight of my actual goals. In my very first post on this blog, called “Ordinary People,” I talked about my goals and how I wanted to just be an ordinary person and live an ordinary life while making music and doing extraordinary things. I have always wanted to live my life that way. I didn’t want to be a celebrity. I didn’t want to be a part of the Hollywood scene. I didn’t want to be superficial. That lifestyle works out really well for some people, my best friend being one of them, but it is not the life I am meant to lead. In the midst of the whole concept of moving to LA, I found myself getting caught up in all of those ideas and all of those things I have always known I didn’t want to do with my life. They are certainly appealing, and would definitely be a fun place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to make it my permanent way of life. I talked to my friend Whitney last night about all of this, too, and was saying that I just know that if I do move out there I will become a different person. Not an entirely different person, of course, but so much of my personality and my views would probably change. I would probably become more like Don. I love him and he is an amazing person, but I don’t really want that for my life. What I want for my life is to be like Lori McKenna or Jay Brannan or Chantal Kreviazuk. I want to make music and be successful enough to live fairly comfortably, but keep my anonymity. I want to be an ordinary person who creates extraordinary music and, even more, makes an extraordinary impact on people’s lives; the same type of impact that Jay Brannan or Lori McKenna or Chantal Kreviazuk have in mine. The more I think about it, the more it seems clear that I should stay. At the same time, though, that is exactly how I felt about going before. I think facing the realities of what my life could be there and what it could be here has really changed my mind about a lot of things.

So, if I stay here, what do I do to make sure that it is worth it? First of all, I think a very important thing would be to keep all of my current goals, minus the California one. I still want to learn how to drive. I still need to learn how to play the keyboard properly. I still need to make a record out of this very blog. None of those things will be given up if I stay here. They are just as important to my life staying here as they are to my life out there. Plus, if I am not focusing on saving money for when I leave, I can put that money towards some other important things. One thing I want to put my money towards is piano lessons. There is this website that I have had bookmarked on my Google Chrome for ages now that is a place called Schumann Music Works. Schumann Music Works is a professional studio here in the area, and the guy who owns the studio also happens to offer lessons. His whole setup seems very professional and he just sounds like an all-around nice guy, so I am thinking that I may contact him in reference to setting up lessons. They’re not all that expensive and would be well worth the cost. I have said many times here that I am catching on to the keyboard really well, but I also realize that I lack the actual skill to make good use of it. It’s like I have a natural ability, but I don’t really know how to apply it and make something tangible out of it. Lessons would definitely help with that. Learning how to drive would also make a huge difference in my life, no matter where I go. Whether I stay here or move out there, I need to learn how to be self-sufficient and a large part of that is being able to get myself from place to place without having to rely on anybody else for a ride or anything. That way I could leave work and go get lunch during the day if I want to. I could get to and from work every day without having to be concerned with whether or not I have a way. I could see my friends more often and work on building those real connections I keep talking about. Transportation has been a big obstacle in all of my inter-personal relationships, because I don’t have the option of just popping in to see people and such without making a big production of it. That is definitely still something I need to work on. Then, of course, there is the whole concept of making a record out of this blog. Schumann Music Works could be a big help in that process, too, considering it is an actual professional studio. Their rates for studio time are extremely reasonable and with a little bit of saving, once the songs are written, I could easily afford some time in the studio to record. See, right there, I have devised a bit of plan of action to make things happen for me right here in Sarasota. Plus, then I could still help my Mom. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of my friends or family here being without the emotional support I try my best to provide them with. I also wouldn’t have to be without the emotional support they have all provided me with. Most of all, though, staying here would give me the opportunity to correct the things that are wrong with my life here that have become so evident. Staying here I could find the resolution to that feeling I keep having, the feeling of being so alone.

No matter what I do, though, I know one thing: I will find the Light. There is a world full of Light that I know is intended for me, and whatever happens I will find it. It isn’t only in LA. It isn’t only here in Sarasota. It is anywhere I go. It is inside of me. It will be my own creation. Like Kylie says, “You never know what you’ll find, because stars don’t shine in singular places.” She is absolutely right about that. Stars don’t shine in singular places. Stars shine in ALL places… you just have to work to find them. Kabbalah teaches that the things we have to work to achieve are the only things truly worth having… and that really makes me feel that the answer is clear: I shouldn’t run from what I have here, I should work to make it better. I should work to make it all become Light. I should work to make it all become Stars.