Chapter 57: Weightless

So, we are now one whole day into a new year, and a new decade. It’s off to a pretty good start, too. Today was a very lazy day. After being up until about 7:30am last night, I didn’t wake up today until around 2:30pm. That’s definitely not a good thing, but it felt pretty good to me at the time. I actually woke up around 11:30am, but then went out to the living room and fell back to sleep on the couch for 3 more hours. It wasn’t one of those things where I was disillusioned enough to actually think I was going to stay awake at that point. Why I decided to go out to the living room to go back to sleep, I’ll never know. I woke up to the sound of a Golden Girls rerun. My Mom was over on the other couch doing something on her laptop and watching TV. After I brushed my teeth and such, we spent a good few hours just sitting around watching this Golden Girls marathon on We for a few hours. The Golden Girls is one of those shows that I have seen every single episode of, but still laugh at it like it’s brand new to me.

A little later we decided to watch a couple of the quirky indie movies on the DVR, “Flakes” and “Pizza” both of which I had watched, and discussed in this blog, previously. They were both just as good, if not better, the second time around. My Mom was particularly fond of “Pizza.” After that we decided to go down to Blockbuster and pick up some of their 3 for $20 previously viewed DVDs, because I have been waiting forever to buy “Bruno” and just hadn’t yet. I also picked up “Confessions Of A Shopaholic,” which I have yet to see, and this movie called “Spread” with Ashton Kutcher as some sort of male prostitute and Anne Heche as some rich cougar dealing with him. I don’t know exactly, but I had heard from a few different places that it was really good and, as annoying as he may be, I am kind of into Ashton Kutcher. I am into looking at him, anyway. Worth a shot, I say. We watched “Bruno” when we got home. I saw the movie in theaters and absolutely loved it. I have been a huge fan of Sascha Baron Cohen since back in his Ali G days, and he has only gotten better since then. I thought “Borat” was pure genius start to finish, and I actually liked “Bruno” even better. It wasn’t ass laugh out loud funny from start to finish as “Borat,” but I think it made a much bigger, more interesting statement and kind of told more of a story. Plus, Sascha Baron Cohen is really sexy, and in various states of undress, as Bruno. Sascha Baron Cohen is really sexy in general but not normally near as naked. I appreciate that kind of nudity… and, you know, dedication to your craft. Yeah, that’s it.

I have actually been finding myself being exceptionally perverted lately. Not perverted, actually. That isn’t the right word. I have just had sex on the brain a lot lately. I’ve been downloading porn quite a bit more frequently than I normally do and, to be frank, doing what one does when they download porn more frequently lately. It’s kind of awkward for me to talk about things of that nature because I try to remain aware of the thought I put into people’s heads about myself, but I also said when I started this blog that I wouldn’t censor myself in any way and I haven’t. At least, I wouldn’t censor myself in reference to anything relating to me. There have been things where I have referred to specific people as “a friend” because the situation of theirs that I am talking about is not my story to tell people and it just wouldn’t be right. I really have no idea, beyond a few specific people who have told me, who exactly is reading this blog. It doesn’t have a view count or anything like that, so I don’t really know that ANYONE is reading it. There are people in my life who have brought up things that I had only really mentioned in the blog, so I know it IS being read, but I don’t know anything beyond that. As I have stated many times previously, though, that isn’t the purpose of the blog, anyway. In any sense, because I have no idea who is reading the blog, it seems like it would be wrong of me to share details about other people, but I set the rule for myself that it was 100% honesty and openness when talking about myself… even when it comes to things that feel kind of awkward to talk about, like masturbation. I wouldn’t say I have been doing it excessively or anything, but I have been doing it more frequently than I usually do. Maybe it has something to do with having more time on my hands lately. The pervert/comedian side of me just thought, “Yeah, time’s not all you’ve got on your hands!” I don’t know what it is. I have no qualms with admitting, it has been a very long time since I have had sex. That is kind of by choice, honestly, as there have been quite a few different situations in the time that has passed that easily could have led to it, and situations that I kind of wanted to lead to it. There has just been something in my head since the last time that is saying, “No, don’t do it.” I trust in my instincts, and if there is something in me telling me not to pursue things I’m not going to. After all, I can serve the basic needs involved on my own. I wouldn’t say that I am one of those people who will develop an emotional attachment to someone after having sex, but it definitely leads me to a different emotional space. Not in reference to the other person, but in reference to myself. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but I just get into a different headspace. It’s not necessarily a bad headspace, either, but it is one that I don’t have any desire or need to be in at this point in my life. I need to keep my focus on the future and making my dreams come true. Once I get there, I can think about sex and relationships and stuff… In the meantime, though, I’ve got the tools that I need to get me by.

Even though we are only one full day into 2010, it already feels considerably different than 2009 to me. I was listening to this song by All Time Low, called “Weightless” and have decided that it is my 2010 theme. “Maybe it’s not my weekend but it’s going to be my year, and I’m so sick of watching while the minutes pass while I go nowhere, and this is my reaction to everything I feel, cause I’ve been going crazy, I don’t want to waste another minute here.” That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I don’t want to waste another minute of the time that I have left here, and I don’t want to waste a minute more than I need to here. I think the fact that it is 2010 already has really got me feeling, more than I already did, that it is time to really start putting things into motion. I think the first step I need to take is securing a place to stay in California. That means getting in touch with my Uncle. I found out that the number I called last weekend was actually my OTHER Uncle’s number. So, the Uncle I am trying to reach will likely get the message, but there is no telling when. I said last weekend that if I hadn’t heard from him by this weekend, I would send him an email. Well, the new weekend is here and I have yet to hear from him. I will send the email tomorrow or Sunday. I don’t know why I am so nervous about the whole thing. I told my Mom that I was feeling really nervous about asking him to stay with him, and she said that it was silly and there was no need to be nervous. This Uncle told her last time she saw him that I was always welcome to stay with them should I need. Also, a couple months ago when we saw my Grandma, she told me that my Uncle had told her the same thing just recently. I really can’t foresee him turning me down or anything, and my Mom said the same thing. When I told her that I felt like it was a lot to ask she said she didn’t really think it was and she was sure that he wouldn’t think so, either. I’m sure it’ll be perfectly fine. It is just a matter of actually doing it. The next step, after that is settled, will be sorting out the logistics of getting all of my stuff there and what kind of money will be needed for that. I have already devised one plan for having the cash to get there. I am going to not file my taxes until late March or early April so I can get my return shortly before the move takes place and can put that money towards it. I am going to have my Mom calculate how much my return will be using my last paycheck for 2009, then from there will devise a plan for coming up with any cash I may need over that amount. I am hoping to be able to have a small chunk of cash for once I get there because I know I won’t be able to find a job immediately. I also need to work on getting my driver’s license in the next 5 months, so I can hopefully sort out a way to get a car not too long after I get there. Like I said before, my Uncle does a LOT of mechanic work and always seems to have cars around his house that he is working on, or at least knows where to go to get a decent deal on a decent car. So, hopefully that will be something that won’t be too difficult to deal with once I am there. If I don’t have a license before going, though, it will make the whole process a lot more complicated. That is definitely something that I need to get figured out before leaving. I don’t necessarily need to be an expert before I go, but I need to know it well enough to pass the driver’s test and get licensed. Actually getting good at it can be sorted out by way of practicing, which I can certainly do more of once I get there. I think it would just be for the best to actually get a license before leaving. That gives me approximately five months to learn. That should be plenty of time, I would think. I would hope, anyway. I just need to get my ass in gear and actually start working on it.

Like I said, now that it is actually 2010, all of this feels considerably more urgent than it did before. What also feels more urgent to me is spending time with the people here while I still can. It just suddenly seems like there is really NOT all that much time left to handle all of this. It is so funny, too, because the past month or so has felt like there is all the time in the world for these things. In fact, it felt kind of like there was far too much time. Everything seems so close now. It still seems like a long time to wait to actually make the move, but it also seems like the major preparations to make in order to do it could take a while and I need to get started on them ASAP if I actually want to get them done. I also need to see if my Mom is going to be in a good position by May. I don’t know what I can do to help change things for her, but I need to figure it out and do it. As strange as it may seem, I feel like the original concept she had come up with of moving in with her boyfriend would be the best solution. I don’t know how likely that is at this point, though. We’ll see. I really do hate the idea of her living alone, though. I don’t know, though, it may actually be a good thing for her. She has never actually had the opportunity to live alone in her entire life and it could work out well for her. I think I just hate the idea of it for her because I hate the idea of it for me. When I think about me living by myself I imagine I would feel really empty and alone. I am not an alone person, though. Being alone isn’t really a good thing for me. I am a person who is always at my best with an audience of some sort, be it just my Mom or friends around or SOMETHING. I just am at my best when I am sharing with others. My Mom may actually fare better at living alone than I ever would, though. This is all stuff that will have to be handled before I can leave but I really think that, whatever she decides to do, it will all work out for the best and result in me making it to California successfully and getting to work at making my dreams come true.

I am feeling pretty tired and should probably get to bed soon, but there is one last thing I wanted to discuss before I do. Earlier today I had this thought while watching the movie “Flakes.” Zooey Deschanel’s character, Miss Pussy Katz, is an artist and she earns her money by selling clothing that she hand paints. There is a scene where she moves in with her boyfriend and presents him with a pair of pillowcases that she hand-painted. I don’t know how painting on fabric works exactly, but it kind of inspired me. The picture that I drew recently, the one inspired by Queen’s song “Radio Ga Ga,” would be absolutely perfect to go on a t-shirt or something of that nature. This got me thinking about some of my other drawings and how I could kind of alter them to make cool t-shirts out of them. I don’t have the artistic talents to actually make those sorts of things for myself, but it really got me thinking about fashion design. When I was younger, before dropping out of high school and all, I had thought a lot about trying to go to school for fashion design and it is something I have always had an interest in. I’ve never had the desire or aspiration to be like Karl Lagerfeld or Tom Ford or Donna Karan or Gianni Versace or anything, but even in my thoughts of building a career in music I have always thought of making a side project out of doing my own clothing line. I wouldn’t want to do high end or anything, just affordable fashions that are cool and interesting and make a statement. That is something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I just think I could do something really cool, fashion-wise. I don’t want to be Lady GaGa or anything, but I would really like to provide the general public with something more interesting than what is out there in stores like Hollister, Buckle, American Eagle or Abercrombie & Fitch. Those clothes have their appeal, but they just always seem kind of plain and boring. I would like to do something in their price range, but that really makes a statement. This is something I will keep in mind as I move forward in life.

For now, though, the only place I am moving is into my bed.