Chapter 71: Hot Mess

This week has been a mess. It was a mess for a number of reasons. I guess the week really wasn’t a mess as much as I was a mess throughout the week. In some ways, I feel like I have been a mess for quite a while now. I feel like I have spent the past few months not being myself. Well, not exactly. I feel like I have spent the past few months completely stepping outside of myself and trying to become something else. I don’t really know how to explain that fully, but basically I feel like I kind of became frustrated with myself and my life as it was, so I tried to do a complete overhaul of it all with the plan to eventually wipe it all away and be something other than what I am. Looking at it now I kind of feel like, in some ways, that is what the whole California thing was about – trying to become something different than I am here. The flaw in that plan, though, was that I like what I am now. I don’t just like what I am now but I love what I am now. It has just been such a pattern throughout my life that once things stop feeling interesting or exciting I just want to leave them behind. The only problem is that I know better than that now. I know that the answer isn’t to just leave things behind, but to find ways to make them work; make them feel interesting and exciting again. Right now, I really feel that way about my life. I feel like things are kind of brand new, while still being what they were already. I feel like things are headed in the exact direction they need to be going in. For the first time in a very long time, I am really excited about my life here. That is a great feeling to have.

I can’t deny that there is still a part of me that wonders if I won’t regret not going to California but, at the same time, I think that is kind of the beauty of the situation. I had gotten myself so clear on the whole concept of moving to California, despite the fact that it was really a pretty flawed plan, that now that I have made my decision the idea of not going is just as scary as the idea of going. There are equal chances for regret whichever way I go. There are also equal chances for glory. I don’t know what it is exactly, but so much of the feelings of conflict and stress I was feeling before seem to have been alleviated now that I have decided to stay here. I really just feel like the things that I have been lacking, as a human being, can be gained here in a way they wouldn’t in LA. I don’t know that they would really be a focus if I moved out there. This is why I am not at all closed off to the idea of ending up out there in the long run, (in fact, I still kind of believe that I will,) but looking at the reality of my situation right now I just started feeling more and more like the time just isn’t right. As much as I am a very different, and much more grown up, person than I was when I lived there before, I still can’t help but feel like I am not actually ready for that type of life yet. California is a very different way of life than Sarasota, FL. When looking at some of the realities of my life here, it is definitely tempting to say that it is a BETTER way of life, but it’s best to just leave it at different. Either way, it is not a life that I am well equipped for at this point. As much as it may not, (or may, I don’t know,) I can’t deny that I have been in a pretty fragile state lately. I have talked in this blog a time or two about the feeling of being alone in life, and feeling like I can’t make a real connection with people. When I think about that part of myself, I can’t imagine stepping outside of the support system I have built here… at least, not yet.

One of my closest friends here said to me recently that he feels like there is a wall built up between us and that we can’t talk about things that are important in my life. This whole thing made me very sad because I know that it’s true. He can, and has, reached out to me with things that are important to him, but I just don’t do the same. It’s not a matter of feeling like I can’t approach him with things, or even a matter specific to him. In reality, the only person I really talk to regularly about the things that are really important to me is my Mom. Not my sister, not any of my other friends, just my Mom. Aside from my Mom, I probably talk to Whitney the most openly. Even with Whitney, in some ways, there is a certain barrier there. I’m not sure what exactly it is, but I think it is probably rooted in what I have always said is my life’s greatest struggle: Being taken seriously. I have never felt like anybody takes me all that seriously, sometimes not even my Mom. I think a part of why I don’t talk to people about the things that are important to me is because I feel like they will just look at them as something frivolous or dumb. I don’t know where that stems from exactly, but I think it has something to do with my sister. Growing up, my Dad wasn’t really around much and later in life, when he was around, he couldn’t really be viewed as any type of authority figure. My Mom, who is really my best friend in this world, has also never really been a strong authoritative figure in my life. For a very long time, I didn’t really have any authoritative figure, which would certainly explain a lot of my behaviors throughout my teen years and such. Somewhere in my teen years, though, my sister and I became closer than we ever had been growing up and she kind of became my “father figure.” In our younger years, my sister and I really had a sort of competitive relationship, because we excelled at all of the same things; we both sing, we both write, we are both performers. In those teen years, when she kind of took me under her wing, we basically had the same group of friends and spent most of our time together. During this period, she was very flippant about my passions for music and performing. She always treated it like I was just being some silly, absent-minded kid. It is understandable, too, because at the time I spent the majority of my life being silly, absent-minded and acting like a kid. Music is the most important factor in my life. It is at the center of everything I do. It is the inspiration behind every move I make. Because of this, having it treated in a flippant way and not be taken serious by someone who was such an important part of my life probably did more damage than even I have realized. I wonder if that was the point when I stopped talking to people about things that I felt passionate about. I don’t know. I don’t want to make it out like I am blaming my sister, though. In fact, a little later in our lives she actually kind of explained to me why she acted that way about it all. I remember it very well, actually.

One night, when she and I were living with our father in Joshua Tree, CA, we were out at the Beatnik Café. Joshua Tree is a run down little township between Yucca Valley and 29 Palms, deep in the heart of the desert. The town consisted of two main roads, and only had a handful of businesses operating in it. It was one of those cities where you had to drive a half hour to go grocery shopping or anything of that nature. The one thing they did have was a national park, which, living there, we NEVER visited and it really just drew in tourists, who wouldn’t actually stay in Joshua Tree. It also had a U2 album named after it, which I was thoroughly unimpressed with. I hate U2. Anyway, the Beatnik Café was a little café on one of those main roads that really put a focus on showcasing local artists and musicians. The Beatnik Café is also the place where I really got my first taste of performing my own music on their open mic nights, which actually drew pretty massive crowds, (at least, massive crowds for Joshua Tree.) It was a great little place, and pretty much all of my good memories of living in Joshua Tree took place there. Anyway, one really slow night Amber and I were sitting at the bar, which we didn’t normally do, and kind of started talking about music and how it was what I wanted to do with my life and she was being flippant about it again. I kind of confronted her about it and she said something really interesting. She told me that she only acted that way because she felt like it was an unrealistic dream and I was wasting my time focusing on that when I could be pursuing things that would be easier for me to achieve. She said that I should pursue writing, which is something that she felt I was better at. While I disagree, I certainly understand why she acted the way that she did. She still acts that way, and I don’t get upset about it anymore because I, at least, understand her reasoning behind it. It’s interesting, too, because Amber and I were very competitive with things growing up, especially as far as singing and performing and such. There was another time, also back when we lived in Joshua Tree, that she actually told me that she felt like I was better at it all. The major difference between she and I, though, is that she loves music and she loves performing and getting attention and all of that, (and I think our competitiveness about it was more of a bonding tool than anything else,) but she never actually felt passionate about it. It was never something that she intended to pursue or anything, like I do. It’s kind of a shame, in some ways, because she is actually really good. It is funny that I am even telling that story right now, actually, because just the other day Whitney was asking if I had ever thought about pursuing writing as opposed to music. I guess, much like Amber with music, it is something I am told I am good at and definitely something I enjoy, but it isn’t something I have ever felt a passion for.

In any sense, I feel terrible about the fact that my friend feels like there is a wall up between us. I feel terrible that there is a wall up between us. I am not sure what I can do about it, but another big part of why I am staying here in Florida is to figure it out and solve it. I have kind of come to realize that maybe the reason I haven’t ever been able to move forward in pursuing my music career is because this wall I have up between myself and everyone else isn’t only blocking me from making a real connection with people but is also blocking me from making a real connection to my music. That doesn’t explain it properly, I don’t think. It’s not like I don’t have a connection to my music; I definitely do. It’s more like if I can’t make a connection to the people in my life and the people I meet, how can I make a connection to people who I don’t know, like the people who I hope will be listening to the music. I don’t know how to articulate that properly but I kind of feel like if I can’t get myself to be a complete and open person on a personal level I won’t be able to become a complete and open person on a professional level, and what good is music if it isn’t open? If I can’t make a connection to the people and the experiences I am writing the music about, how can it ever come across as being genuine or real? THAT is why I need to stay here in Sarasota. I need to learn how to make it work here, with the people surrounding me now… because honestly, the people are pretty great and I don’t want to just move on from them all and find yet another whole new group of people. As much as I have always said that it wouldn’t be the case, I don’t know how sure I can be about that. I’ve said that before about other groups of people, and really believed it at the time. Plus, I have used the term “starting over” many times about the whole concept of moving to California, but I kind of feel like I have really come too far here and made too much progress with myself to throw it all away and “start over.” Like I said in yesterday’s blog, and the day before, looking at it all now I really feel like the stronger, more courageous thing for me to do is actually to stay here and deal with the life that I have made for myself. I have run away from too many other people and too many other lives in the past, but I am actually happy with this one overall, no matter how much I may have gotten frustrated with it or really honestly believed I absolutely hated it. Christmas Eve comes to mind. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were honestly two of the darkest days I have had in years. Still, they passed and I have come to realize that those times are there for a reason. Like Madonna said in the song “The Power Of Goodbye,” “Pain is a warning that something’s wrong.” I feel like my life the past few months has had a lot of pain in it, in a way that I never really expressed to anybody, and moving to California was the easiest, most apparent answer I could come up with. It was, in many ways, just another chance for me to run away. I am determined, though, not to repeat the same patterns I have made all throughout my life. After all, Webster’s defines crazy as “repeating the same actions expecting different results.” Now is the time to attempt different actions.

So, I may be a mess right now but I won’t be forever. Even if I am, I will find a way to be a fucking hot mess! I mean hot mess in a good way, like a mess that is totally hot, not just a hot mess. This closing is certainly a sign that I should go to bed now. Tomorrow? Good friends over to hang out tomorrow night, which means tomorrow during the day I need to be cleaning the house. It is really kind of a hot mess, in the bad way. Then I have to kind of explain to them my reasoning behind changing my mind about California. These friends have kind of been the biggest supporters of the whole idea, and while I don’t feel like I owe anybody any kind of explanation, I do feel the need to try to make them understand how I feel about all of this. I’m excited just to hang out with my friends, either way. It’s been a little while. I’m just really excited for my life right now. I really feel like I am going to manage to make it great. Whether or not I ever wind up back in LA, I know that my life is going to reach greater heights than I can even imagine right now… even if I am a hot mess.