Chapter 67: Black Out

Okay, so let’s take a minute or two to talk about superficiality. I know you may think you know the direction I am going with this, if you read yesterday’s blog, but if you bear with me here I may wind up surprising you. Stranger things have happened. As I mentioned, yesterday’s blog was kind of discussing the opposite of superficiality; it was discussing being conscious of the people around us and the world we live in and trying to find a way to help it get on the right track. Superficiality is absolutely not the answer to making a difference in this world. That is certain. Still, you can’t deny that it has its merits.

I woke up at 7:30am this morning and just kind of dicked around online and such for a while. I found out, by way of one of my favorite music blogs, that the first official, full-length LP by Heidi Montag had leaked. The album is very aptly titled “Superficial.” More on that later, though. I called for a cab to get to work and put off getting ready for work until the last minute, as I so often do. It’s funny, because I don’t really know what I do with my mornings, but they always seem to pass pretty quickly. I generally smoke 3-4 cigarettes before work. I check up on my Twitter and Facebook and Oh No They Didn’t. I rarely eat breakfast, and only spend about 15 minutes getting ready. Still, I require at least 90 minutes of waking time before starting my day. It kind of seems like, looking at it now, a giant waste of 90 minutes of my day… but I just don’t feel right for the rest of the day without that time. Fortunately, that wasn’t a concern this morning and everything worked out fine.

I arrived at work about 15 minutes early and decided to smoke a cigarette outside before actually going into the building. A couple of my co-workers showed up while I was out there and talked to me. It was here that I found out who was filling the position that I had applied for and rescinded my application for. It was a pretty surprising selection, in my opinion, considering I didn’t know this person had even applied for the position. I have to say that this person was certainly deserving of promotion, although I don’t know that it is the best fit for the position. Part of me is a little saddened by the whole thing, because I think I could have been a good fit for the position. At the same time, though, I know that wasn’t meant to happen and is nowhere near where my focus in life is right now. Plus, I am really excited for the person who did get the position. I feel kind of bad for the person who didn’t wind up getting it, though. I know that he really wanted the position. I don’t necessarily think he would have been a good fit for it, either, but it is still kind of sad to see things not working out for people the way that they really want them to. This is where some of what Yehuda Berg talked about yesterday comes into play. Despite the fact that the whole situation really doesn’t make an ounce of difference to me on a personal level, I still feel bad about it because one of the members of my team has been let down. That one person’s disappointment affects me, as well. It brings down the entire team, in a way, because when one member of the team loses morale, the entire team morale lessens, as well. Sadly, my team didn’t really have a whole lot of morale to begin with. That is really a shame, too, because we have a really good group of people who are simply not reaching their potential. What’s worse is that they seem fully aware that they aren’t reaching their potential, and seem completely okay with that. It’s almost as if they are choosing to not do as well as they could. In fact, it isn’t almost like that, it IS like that. I think people don’t realize, or choose to ignore, the fact that they are making a decision to be a negative influence when they behave the way they do in the workplace. It is really getting to the point where I absolutely hate spending my days listening to everyone bitching and complaining about the job, each other or any random thing they have chosen to be upset about that day. I can’t say that I haven’t been guilty of this in the past myself, but I am trying to avoid it.

One of the program managers at work approached me today saying that she saw me at the Yehuda Berg signing yesterday and was asking me how I felt about it all and discussing which of his books we have read and what we think of them, etc. It was pretty interesting, considering I have always felt like this woman hated me and she has never been overly kind to me or interested in me. I found it really interesting that we sat there and had a conversation about Kabbalah and spirituality in general for a while today. It was nice, but it was also pretty awkward. The rest of the work day was pretty bland. I ordered lunch with my Team Lead, which was good because my stomach was hurting pretty bad all morning. I had one of those Oven Baked Sandwiches from Dominos, along with some breadsticks. It was a good hearty lunch, which was good because I was starving. We were pretty slow today, but we picked up in the last 30 minutes of the day. All of a sudden, we had ten calls holding and I tried my best to keep happy and positive in spite of the fact that it seemed pretty clear that I would wind up being there later than my 6pm scheduled off time. I took these calls, one at a time, until they were all gone and tried my best to remain smiling and positive while in the midst of freaking out about the amount of calls remaining. After maintaining this positive attitude, difficult as it may have been, I wound up getting out less than 10 minutes after 6pm.

When I got home, I immediately went to the computer to check for anything interesting I may have missed. For some reason, it wouldn’t connect to the internet. I tried a few different tricks that I have learned over the years, but nothing worked. I talked to my Mom about it and it only confirmed what I had slightly suspected already: The bill was behind and we had received a disconnect notice. She said that she would pay the bill tomorrow and it should be back up within the same day. I really hate the fact that my mind even went there so early into noticing the internet was out, but it is a part of my life right now. It won’t be much longer, but it is right now. So, I am typing this blog on my Mom’s laptop, using the wireless network of somebody else in our building or somewhere nearby. As easy and convenient as they may be, laptops kind of suck in some ways. The keyboard is funky and difficult to type on properly. At least it is better than sending it via email from my phone, like I did on Thanksgiving. THAT was a lot to deal with, and I absolutely do not intend on doing that again any time in the near future. I am completely exhausted right now and having a lot of issues keeping my eyes opened and my head upright. I took a Tylenol PM over 2 hours ago and it really seems like it is hitting me like a ton of bricks. I am listening to the aforementioned Heidi Montag album, “Superficial,” for the third time or so right now. It has a few really great songs, including my favorite song she has done, “Black Out.” The entire record is catchy and fun to listen to, but it doesn’t seem like there is much depth to it. These songs are not saying much of anything at all, which makes sense considering it IS Heidi Montag. She’s not exactly known for being a do-gooder. The entire album is definitely a fun listen, though. It just seems llike there is nothing beneath the surface of any of it, which I find irritating. Still, it does have a few really amazing songs on it.

Okay, there is more I wanted to talk about here, including a conversation with my best friend, and more cohesive thoughts on the Heidi Montag record. Plus, all the talk of superficiality and the positive nature it can stem from. Unfortunately, though, I am currently on the verge of falling asleep and can’t imagine staying up a moment longer… so these things will be added to tomorrows blog, in which I should be make considerably more sense. I am not forming proper sentences or expressing simple ideas at this point, and so I simply must go to sleep… or like that Heidi Montag song, I simply must go “Black Out.”