Chapter 299: The Fear Of Wasted Time

Okay, so I am not going to waste my time trying to come up with an angle for discussing today or some inspiration that I found from some movie or music or something because, in all honesty, none of that happened today. I did absolutely nothing today. Seriously, I woke up just before 10am, I ate something, I sat in front of the TV watching nothing in particular, I continued my pre-shopping for Friday when "No Makeup August" is over and when I have money again, I did a few experimental makeup looks today using products I hadn't used in a while, etc. The bulk of the day, though, was spent lying in bed forcing myself not to go to sleep even though I was in the perfect position to do it. It is kind of a shameful thing for me, honestly. I mean, I am a person who has for the past year or so tried to constantly immerse myself in art and spend every "spare" moment focused on being productive or creative in some way or another. Today I did nothing of that nature at all. I didn't work on the piece I have been writing on the piano. I didn't paint or draw or anything. I did sing for a little while but I don't really feel like I got anything accomplished with that. I just hate the idea that I spent an entire day not being productive at all. What sucks even more is the fact that I am not being very productive or getting anything creative done at work this week either because of the fact that I have a shadow all week. I just hate the feeling that I am not moving forward at all. It sucks balls. I'm not going to talk about it anymore, though. No more thought is being dedicated to this idea - instead, I will focus my attention on being productive as often as humanly possible. That is what I truly want. That, and moving forward. A boy who reminds me of James Dean, as well, of course. So, my focus is going to those things now and not wasting time on other bullshit like wasting time on bullshit. So, I am done for now. I promise a better blog tomorrow night. I don't promise that to my readers or anything along those lines so much as I promise it to myself. Goodnight.

Chapter 298: My Heart Explodes

Today was a pretty good day. It had it’s moments, of course, but overall I’d say it was pretty good. There’s one main thing I need to talk about, though. Boy. Fucking boy. Okay, so after some dismissive behaviors and basically being ignored last week, then deciding over the weekend that I was done with thinking about him at all, he shows up today being all sweet and adorable and sexy and just perfect and it really pisses me off. I sometimes wonder if boys don’t do these things on purpose. I wonder if they don’t have some sort of sense of the fact that you are slowly easing up on your thoughts of them and are getting yourself on the right track to just get yourself completely out from under them that causes them to come back around and be all perfect specifically for the sake of making sure that you are still under their thumbs, even though they really don’t want anything out of you, anyway. I mean, I don’t know if that’s true. I don’t know if any of what I just said is true. I don’t know if I was honestly on the verge of getting out from under him, I don’t know if he could sense that I was and was all perfect on purpose and I don’t know if he doesn’t want anything out of me, anyway. Once again, I FUCKING HATE HOW BOYS ARE SO HARD TO READ. It drives me INSANE. Now I’m back in that place where I’m not sure if I should really be making it a point not to focus on this particular boy because there’s no hope of anything good coming of it, or if I should focus on him and hold out hope that something good can come of it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. It is the most frustrating thing ever. I hate boys. I’m not serious, of course. I love boys. I just hate the way they act sometimes and the way they are so hard to read and I especially hate when they are so perfect that they make your heart want to explode but then aren’t actually available or aren’t willing to make themselves available to you or are just completely indecisive and stupid. Fuck them. They’re assholes. Okay, so maybe they aren’t all assholes. Maybe this particular one isn’t an asshole. Maybe he really is perfect. Maybe he is even perfect for me. I just don’t know… and that is the thing that sucks the most. Seriously, I fucking hate it. That’s enough about that, though. Regardless of whether or not I am focusing on this particular boy or not, I definitely do not need to be focusing on these feelings of frustration and general “GAH!” because that will only bring on more feelings of frustration. So, that’s enough of that.

I woke up at 5:45am this morning after having a bit of trouble getting to sleep last night. You see, one of the wheels has broken off of my bed frame so one corner of my bed is being held up by a stack of books – ghetto, I know. Anyway, I noticed while lying in bed trying to fall asleep last night I noticed that the books must have come out from under that corner because my bed was leaning in one corner. As I mentioned in a recent blog, I have been making an effort to sleep to one side of my bed, leaving room for somebody else to sleep in the other side, as an act of symbolism and a tool of “The Secret.” Well, this corner of my bed that was leaning was not on my side of the bed, so I lied there for a while and considered just leaving it leaning. I figured it would be fine because it wasn’t like there was anybody sleeping on that side of the bed now, so why not leave it until morning. It nagged at my mind, though. I kept thinking about how this was kind of further symbolism – I’m leaving a space open in my bed for somebody else to sleep in but it was leaning, so it’s not likely that they’d manage to stay in that spot for long. So, it would kind of be like I am trying to attract somebody into my life who will inevitably just slip away. With that in mind, I got out of bed and fixed the books so that my bed was even. I managed to fall asleep pretty quickly after doing that, though, so maybe there was something to that whole idea. I slept really well, actually, and felt pretty refreshed when I woke up at 5:45am. I immediately brushed my teeth and did my morning skincare routine, then had a bowl of cereal for breakfast and watched an episode of that Nickelodeon show “Victorious,” which I find adorable, before heading into the bathroom to get myself ready for the day. I wore blue today and did a blue makeup look, as well, using Stila products. I pretty much use Stila products for everything anymore, unless I need to do something in a color that I don’t have by Stila, like black. It is odd, actually, that I don’t have a Stila black eye shadow. This is something that I will definitely have to work on once “No Makeup August” is over.

Speaking of “No Makeup August,” tomorrow is August 31, which means that the day after tomorrow will be September! In preparation, I’ve already got a cart full of stuff that I have to order on Friday from Stila’s website, as well as this one item from Urban Decay that I am really anxious to try, (All Night Makeup Setting Spray – reduces oily appearance all day and keeps your makeup looking fresh for up to 16 hours!) I really can’t wait. I almost wish that I had been a little more responsible with my spending in the month of August and had some left over so I could place an order at the stroke of midnight when it became September 1st. Of course, I can’t lie – I didn’t ENTIRELY stick to my word about the whole “no buying makeup in August” thing. The only actual cosmetics purchases I made for the entire month, though, were a set of Stila brushes, which are the best brushes in the world and have pretty much replaced every other brush that I own, a tube of Covergirl Aqua CG Smoothers tinted moisturizer, which I use on a daily basis and ran out of, a new mascara because the one I had been using kept getting into my eyes and burning, then the stuff I bought at Ulta two weeks ago, which was primarily purchased on a gift card, so I wasn’t actually spending much money on them. Regardless, in comparison to most months that is a MAJOR decrease in cosmetic purchases. Now, I need to carry that decrease over into every month, except not as extreme. Like I said, my Stila order will be about $50 and will actually include a black, a white and a brown eye shadow pan, a convertible color and the third in their “travel palette” series, Trendsetting In Tokyo. Of all of the planned travel palettes, I have been most excited to see what they would do with the one from Tokyo. I must say that I was pleasantly surprised. When I saw that they were doing a Tokyo palette, I imagined a lot of red. I enjoy reds and it is hard to find a really great red eye shadow. I am not sure what made me think it would be red beyond the whole concept of the look of the geishas and such. They took this in a completely different direction, including eye shadows in a soft beige, a BRIGHT blue, a BRIGHT pink and a shimmery black, as well as a Convertible Color in an amazing bright pink shade, which I think will look absolutely gorgeous! I am really excited to get this product. I absolutely love the first two travel palettes because they are a great value for everything that you get in the palettes, they have a really cool concept and packaging and include a lot of really great, top quality products for a very low price. If you are looking for some really good affordable, high end makeup I definitely recommend checking out the Travel Palettes on Stila’s website, because they are one of the best buys you can possibly come up with! Like I have said in the blog before, though, I really love EVERYTHING Stila. I haven’t really tried a Stila product that I didn’t completely love.

This evening, after work, Rachel came over to hang out for a while, which was fun. We hadn’t hung out in nearly two weeks. Actually, I think it had been exactly two weeks. So, we got together this evening to just hang out at my house, eat pizza, watch “Jeffery & Cole Casserole” and just generally shoot the shit. It was a great way to spend a Monday night. Of course, I wasn’t the best company in the world this evening because I first spent forever ranting about boys and how they are dumb/awesome, then was loopy as hell because I was exhausted. As a matter of fact, I AM exhausted. It was kind of a long day. Like I said, though, it wasn’t a bad day by any means. Work was considerably more entertaining than usual because we have all these random new people hanging around us, listening to our calls and such. It made for some funny times, though, which is a plus. Of course, our seats got moved around today, as well, so I have been separated from all of my best work friends and seated in an area where I am kind of isolated from the rest of my team and surrounded by people that I don’t care much for. So, it’s going to be a little weird for a little while moving forward. I’ll roll with the punches, though. Fuck that place. I don’t have to go back there tomorrow, so I don’t want to really think about it between now and Wednesday when I do have to go back. So, I’m going to stop talking about it. I need to go to bed, anyway. Goodnight.

Chapter 297: Make It Like A Memory

Today was Sunday. Sundays have a tendency to be a little boring. It just seems as if nothing interesting ever seems to happen on Sunday. Most weeks I cherish my Sunday and spend it watching old movies on Netflix or something but for some reason this week it just didn’t feel the same as it usually does. Let me start by talking a bit about last night. After I finished writing last night’s blog, instead of watching “A Star Is Born,” like I should have, as it has been proven to be a great sleep aid for me, I decided to try something a little different and watched the movie “Shampoo.” “Shampoo” was a huge hit back in 1975, starring Warren Beatty, Goldie Hawn and Julie Christie. Warren Beatty plays a Beverly Hills hair stylist who sleeps with all of his clients, while his steady girlfriend, Goldie Hawn, is none the wiser. She is pressuring him to settle down and commit to her but he keeps putting it off until he can open his own salon. I wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about all of the references to him being a “faggot” because he was a hairdresser but I suppose it was a different time. What I was sure how to feel about was Goldie Hawn, who was absolutely adorable. Also, I guess I didn’t realize it because I have only seen him since he has been all old and puffy but Warren Beatty used to be kind of insanely hot. I have also always known the name Julie Christie but never known much about her or her work. She is a diva and a half in this movie. I definitely recommend checking this movie out if you haven’t seen it because it was a lot of fun. It gets a little overly dramatic at the end but it’s definitely still worth watching. Two thumbs up.

Anyway, after I finished watching this movie, I kept planning to go to bed but then I kept getting distracted by one thing or another until it was finally after 5am. I got into bed close to 6am and didn’t actually fall asleep until around 6:30am. Then the crazy dreams came. I don’t know what the deal was but first I had this crazy dream that I can’t really remember right now about that boy that I’ve decided I have to stop thinking about. I woke up just after 8am from this dream. I got up and went to the bathroom and I considered my waking up then was the Universe helping me out. If I am not to be thinking of this boy but he comes up in my sleep, I am glad that the Universe woke me up to help me stop thinking about him. When I got out of the bathroom, I noticed that my Mom was sitting on the couch. She had planned on going to work this morning to do some overtime but she told me that she had decided not to and she wasn’t going to worry about it. I was happy to hear that from her because she seems to spend a lot of time stressing about money and she really shouldn’t – that will only attract more concerns about not having enough money and, in turn, more experiences of not having enough money. So fuck that. I very briefly considered staying up then but opted not to because I knew that would just mean that I would wind up falling asleep later in the day and causing myself sleep troubles tonight. So, I went back to bed and focused my mind on dreaming of something else other than this boy. It worked, too. Instead I had some horrible dream about something with my Mom that had me in a panic, and I woke up from that dream right around 10am. Once again, I really believe that the Universe woke me from this dream, as well, so I wouldn’t attract something of that nature to happen. I went back to sleep and woke up again around 11am when my alarm went off but immediately went back to sleep. Finally, I woke up again just after noon and decided that it was time to just get up for the day. Five and a half hours is plenty. I mean, it’s not actually enough but it’s enough to get me through a Sunday.

Once I was up for the day, I immediately gathered up my dirty laundry and put it in the washer, grabbed something from the fridge to eat for breakfast, (hot dogs – the breakfast of champions,) and came back into my bedroom to try to figure out what I wanted to do for the day. I first signed on to Netflix to try to find a movie to watch to pass some time. I was kind of in the mood for some sort of cheesy horror film but I started a couple different ones and couldn’t bear to actually pay attention to them, so I wound up stopping them all. Sadly, I don’t really remember what I wound up spending the first few hours of my day doing, beyond tending to my laundry and laying in my bed playing games on my cell phone. I hate that feeling of not being able to remember what I did with a chunk of time like that because whatever it was clearly must have been completely asinine. That, to me, is wasted time. I hate wasting time. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I waste plenty of time but I hate when something is such a waste of time that I can’t even remember it. I know I took a shower during that time. That’s about all that I remember. That sucks. Still, the shower was really nice. I took one of those really long showers where I spent a long time just letting the water wash over me. I also know that I watched some YouTube makeup tutorials during that time because after my shower I decided to experiment a bit with a makeup look that I saw on there. It didn’t work out too well for me but I wore it for the rest of the day, anyway. I also managed to finally work out a nude lip that I liked, something I have been working at for a while now but haven’t been able to pull off to my liking. I guess I don’t actually mean a nude lip, because that would be a lip that is it’s natural shade of pink. That isn’t what I have been trying. I have been trying to get a muted lip look – where the lip kind of blends in with the color of the rest of the face. I managed to get that right today and I loved the look of it. So, that was a plus.

The major highlight of today, though, was shortly after my shower and makeup time. I have been feeling a little listless about the piano and really haven’t been practicing much or anything but, as I mentioned a couple weeks ago in the blog, I had managed to write a really cool opening riff or verse section of music. I hadn’t really gone back to the piano since then. Today, though, I sat down and practiced the pieces that I learned before with Viktor for a while, then I decided to dick around a little bit with the thing I wrote before. I was still really happy with the sound of it and wanted to take it further than I already had. So, I sat down and wrote a little mid-section to attach it to. So, basically, I’ve got the opening section of a song and the area that leads up to the chorus. I know it’s not really a lot but I am extremely proud of myself for pulling this off. It only reaffirms my decision to not move forward with piano lessons. Like I said, I think that I can pull off writing and continue learning more and more on my own from this point. That is a very good thing and I am extremely proud of myself for getting to this point. Of course, there is also this other thing that has kind of been looming in my head for a while – I have mentioned a time or two here in the blog that I have kind of been rethinking my musical concepts lately. These reconsiderations have led me to think of something very specific. You see, I have been listening to a lot more rock music at this point and have been writing more and more songs with a rock edge to them and I have seriously been considering the concept of starting a band. I mean, it is kind of an out there idea, considering I don’t think I know any musicians at this point and I’m not really sure of how I would meet them in order to put a band together. Plus, if you’re going to be in a band you kind of need to be dealing with people that you have some sort of bond with. Of course, a bond can be formed along the way. I just can’t imagine how that would all come together. As I have discussed here in the blog, though, it is not my place to concern myself with how – if this is what I really want and the frequency that I put out, the Universe will bring it together exactly as it is meant to come. I mean, I would have to tweak my vocal style a bit here and there and learn to do that whole screamsinging thing better than I do now. It is definitely something that I am capable of, though, and I think it is something that I could do really great things with. Plus, I would make a really awesome lead singer, I think. The thing about rock music, too, is that it isn’t necessarily required that you have a really strong vocal ability in the traditional sense, which is great because I don’t exactly have the ability to sing the type of music I have been trying to work on up to this point. Like I said, this is just an idea at this point but I have seen and learned throughout my life that all great things begin as just an idea. So, I will continue working on stuff on my own for now but should the opportunities present themselves, I would definitely take advantage of them.

This evening, before my Mom got home from visiting her friend in Palmetto, I spent a little while talking to a new friend of mine who shared some very distressing news with me. Clearly, I am not going to share this news here because it was not my news or news about me. It was very disheartening to hear, though, and I was particularly stricken by this person’s depression about it. I tried my best to tell them to think positively about the whole thing and do everything they can to fight off any negative thoughts. Unfortunately, being that this was fresh news, that talk didn’t help too much. So, I told this person that I would do my best to think positively about it for them. Hopefully, through my positive thoughts they will be able to develop some positive thoughts of their own and the whole situation can be alleviated or at least understood. I don’t really know how to talk about this without saying what’s going on but I don’t really need to talk about this situation specifically, anyway. The reason I bring this up at all is because I wanted to discuss the fact that I do believe that having positive thoughts for somebody else and putting out a positive frequency for them and their situations CAN help. “The Secret” teaches that we can’t put out a frequency for others but I don’t agree with that. I mean, we can’t feel the feelings that they are feeling therefore we can’t change the frequency that they are putting out. However, I don’t believe this to be entirely true. What we can do is put out a frequency to the Universe of providing them guidance and asking the Universe to show them whatever they need to see to be putting out the right frequency for themselves. So, I think we have the ability to change the frequency that they are putting out by putting out the frequency of clarity for them, so that they can put out the frequency of what they want. I don’t know all the details of the law of attraction as well as some but I do believe that it can’t hurt for us to try to put out a frequency of somebody else seeing the light for themselves. I can’t see that there would be any wrong in doing that. Hopefully, it will work.

The rest of the evening was spent eating KFC and watching “Big Brother,” as well as some special that aired on A&E about Natasha Bedingfield, which included 5 or 6 live performances from her. This was great because I am a huge fan of hers, have seen her in concert and was blown away by it, and find her to be a major source of inspiration for me. She is a brilliant songwritier, more than anything else she does in my opinion, and really seems to know how to write a song that is extremely commercial and universally true for so many people while still being completely personal to herself and her experiences. I love that. In fact, she was talking in this special about the song “Unwritten,” which is one of my all-time favorite songs, and she was talking about how it was basically just a song that she had written for herself, a song that was completely personal for her, and then it was released as a single and became one of the biggest selling singles of that year, the theme song to “The Hills” and one of the most used songs in movie trailers and such. More than anything, though, it is a song that has really spoken to millions upon millions of people and reflected their feelings about their lives back to them. I was just thinking about what an immensely rewarding feeling that must be for her – something that was born out of her own feelings towards and experiences in life has turned out to mean that exact same thing to millions of people around the world. That is what I have always dreamed of. That is the exact reason why music has always been the answer to any question I may have had about life. I can’t believe that just a week ago I was sitting here considering giving up on that dream. What an asshole. For now, though, it is time for bed, and if I have any dreams tonight they will be the kinds of dreams that I have no desire to wake up from. Tomorrow begins a week of having a shadow at work, which should definitely prove to be a very interesting week for me. We’ll see how it goes. Goodnight.

Chapter 296: The Magic’s In The Makeup

I’ve decided that this blog, the “Story Of One Year,” is the story of a boy who lives inside of his own head. Every piece of his world and every aspect of his life have been of his own creation and only truly exist inside of his own mind. The big shocking plot twist comes when this boy decides that he has a desire for something else; someone else. The boy has grown into a weary, aging man who is tired of being alone. Okay, so aging may not be the right word – he’s only 27 years old, for chrissakes – but he is feeling the effects of adulthood setting in and beginning to feel a nagging desire for stability and “settling down” and all that crap that one begins to feel as they approach 30. So, this boy/man decides that he has to find a way to live the life that he has grown accustomed to and loves outside of his own head – he needs to bring his show into the real world. How does one go about doing that? How does one assimilate themselves into the world with everybody while maintaining their individuality and remaining true to who they are on the inside? It’s a difficult question to answer. I don’t have an answer for it. So, I suppose, what I do is just keep looking. I keep moving forward and remain open to the signs that the Universe provides and trust that it will guide me in the right direction. Perhaps assimilating myself to the real world isn’t the answer at all, though. Perhaps what I should be trying to do is find somebody who fits into my world – somebody who can assimilate themselves to the world I have created in my head. No, that doesn’t seem right. That is a lot to ask of a person and doesn’t really seem like the route to a healthy relationship. So, again, I move forward, seeking out the signs that the Universe provides. It will show me the way. It always has and it always will. After all, if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, (and I’m sure I have said it a million times;) The Universe is working in my favor. I have complete, absolute blind faith in that.

Still, I can’t help but let my mind wander some days. I can’t help but get a little caught up in the whole concept of HOW. How can this be done? How can I find my perfect partner? How can I find my personal James Dean? How can I possibly find anyone to love when I am so caught up in my own head? How can I possibly get out of my head without sacrificing the things that I love about myself? How can I take those things that I love about myself out of my head and put them into play in the real world? “The Secret” teaches that it is not our place to ask the question of how thing can work – they can work because the Universe will make them work because, by the law of attraction, if we are putting out the frequency of what we want it simply has to come to us. Kabbalah supports this idea, as well. Both of these belief systems, which I rely upon heavily, state that not only is it not our place to question how things can happen for us but that we absolutely should not question how. In fact, they say that if you are questioning how things will happen for you what you are doing is putting out the frequency of not trusting in the Universe, (or God, in Kabbalah,) and actually preventing the things you want to happen from happening. So, blind faith is important. Like I said before, I have complete, absolute blind faith in the fact that the Universe is working in my favor. What I need, though, is to find a way to focus that blind faith into the specific thing that I am wanting at this point in time.

It doesn’t help, either, that I still feel so uncomfortable even discussing the fact that I want to meet somebody. It just seems so desperate and weak. I have lived most of my life being completely wrapped up in myself and really living the “independent” life. I have always felt completely confident in the fact that everything I could ever possibly need in this life is already in my own hands. I hold everything I could ever need inside of myself. Clearly, this is not the case, though. If it were, why would I be feeling such a strong desire lately for somebody to share in my life with? It reminds me of that Lori McKenna song, “Witness To Your Life.” The chorus of this song says, “All you really need is someone to be here, someone who’ll never let you disappear, and I will be that witness to your life. You should never have to be alone, someone will always call you home, and I will be that witness to your life.” To drive the point home even further, I am also reminded of the song, “The Story” by Brandi Carlisle, in which she says, “All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am, but these stories don’t mean anything if you’ve got no one to tell them to, it’s true, and I was made for you.” These two songs make a very clear statement that I think doesn’t get discussed often enough – I think the real reason that we long for companionship in life is because no matter how much we do with our lives, no matter how much we manage to create, it doesn’t mean much without somebody to bear witness. I have long said that what I need is not a lover but an audience. I always believed that having an individual in my life doesn’t matter as much to me because I was destined to live my life on a stage and all of my stories would be shared with an audience. Nowadays, though, I am realizing that I need something more intimate than that. Sure, I still want to share my story with a mass audience but I need something a little closer to home.

For the first time in my life I am realizing the value of a face, as opposed to the nameless, faceless masses. Like I said, I still want to share my story with the nameless, faceless masses but they won’t ever get the FULL story. What I really need is that one person who will get every aspect of the story – that person who will know the stories without being told. I need somebody who I can show every part of myself to, not just the show that I like to put on. I am never going to stop putting on the show but I want to have that one person who sees behind the scenes – the before and after the show, all the backstage footage. I need that person who can see me before hair and makeup and love me just as much as when I am all done up and “on.” THAT is the answer to this question – I need to not be “on” at all times. I need to stop with the show every now and then and be open enough to let people see me with my hair down. I need to be more open to letting people see what I am really like underneath all of the stuff that I pile on myself to cover the blemishes and imperfections and such – not just literally, with makeup and such, but in the much larger spectrum of things. My Oprah-style A-HA moment is this: I don’t just wear makeup on the outside. I have lived my entire life taking certain measures to cover up the blemishes on my soul as much as I have taken measures to cover up the blemishes on my face. The thing is – I have done a much better job of covering the blemishes on the inside. You can still tell when I have a zit on my face but you would have much more trouble seeing the zits on my soul. So, the way that I can move from living in the world I’ve created in my head into the world that everybody else lives in is by stripping away all the things I do to cover up parts of who I am that I am not as proud of as others and just open myself up to letting people see the real me. The real me, after all, the one who lives in the world that nobody else can really see, is fucking awesome. People need to see that me. That is what will attract people into my life who can appreciate these parts of me. I never even realized it all this time but I have been hiding so much of myself. I mean, not so much in this blog and such, but in my real life, day-to-day interactions with people. I need to stop this. Maybe as a symbolic testament to this, I should go out into the world without the literal makeup one day.

Okay, that’s just crazy talk.

This has been a very therapeutic blog post for me. I love when I can write my way into an epiphany. I normally don’t do that in the blog so much as I do in songwriting but I appreciate it just as much in this form. So, I guess I missed out on that whole “talking about my day” section of the blog. I didn’t really do much today. In fact, I wound up sleeping through it. I tried to watch “A Star Is Born” for the second time, and for the second time I fell asleep in the middle. I wound up sleeping for like four hours this afternoon. I didn’t wake up until after 5pm when my Mom got home. She wanted to drive out to Venice and get Panda Express for dinner, which we do fairly often, and so I threw myself together very quickly and we went. In fact, I kind of already went out into the world without makeup today. Because I was in a rush, I just did the bare minimum “male” makeup, which was just eyeliner and mascara, and it was just fine. I was comfortable with it – much more comfortable than I expected I would be. It’s not likely that I will be repeating that anytime soon but it was okay for today. I really didn’t get out of the car or anything, except to go into my Mom’s favorite Ross store, which wasn’t a problem because Ross stores are typically full of people without makeup. That’s not nice to say. Anyway, when we got home I saw this commercial that I keep seeing lately, for Lancome Definicils Precious Cells Mascara, with Julia Roberts in it. I adore Julia Roberts and have been really interested in the makeup look she wears in these commercials. It is gorgeous and very natural, while still being dramatic enough to make a statement. It is a very simple nude lid with a strong black along the upper and lower lash lines and blended into the crease. So, I looked it up online and found some good shots to draw inspiration from and set to creating this look on my own face. I fell in love with it once I put it on my own face. It is kind of perfect because it is subtle but dramatic at the same time. Anybody who sees me regularly knows that subtlety is not something that I go for very often but I feel like I could use a little more of it in my life. So, I may try that on for size a little more often moving forward. For now, though, I need to go to bed or something. I think I may try watching “A Star Is Born” again… if nothing else, it will help me get to sleep early! Goodnight.

Chapter 295: Factory Girl

Chapter 294: Light Me Up

Today was a much better day than yesterday. This is a very strange thing to say at the end of the day looking back on the events of today and yesterday. In comparison, today should have been a much worse day than yesterday – the things that happened today were much more severe and could have a much bigger impact than anything that happened yesterday. Still, for one reason or another, I feel a lot less concerned about any of it today. I was able to brush it all aside today and remain positive about it all, which is the best way to be. I think the main reason I felt like yesterday was such a bad day was because of the fact that I wasn’t able to do that. In any sense, today was much better. I woke up on time, at 5:45am, but didn’t actually get out of bed until 6am. I didn’t let this stress me out, though. I got up, brushed my teeth and did my morning skincare routine, then had a bowl of cereal, some coffee, smoked a couple cigarettes and watched “Chelsea Lately,” like I do every morning. It was a pretty relaxed morning. I headed into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup for the day and decided to try something a little different than usual. I got dressed in all black, (well, my shirt was actually a really dark charcoal gray color,) and decided that I wanted to do a “goth” look with my makeup today, which isn’t really something I do very often. I was kind of going for the look that Taylor Momsen wore in the video for her band, and my favorite band of the moment, The Pretty Reckless’ video for their song “Miss Nothing.” It’s a really over the top, messy black eye shadow look, with a dark red lip. I went ahead with the eye shadow look and was really into the way it looked but when I put on the lipstick, I felt less confident than one should be to pull off a dark red lip. So, I tried to do a reddish pink lip stain instead but wasn’t very pleased with the look of that, either. So, instead I wound up putting on this golden peach colored liquid lip color, which I wound up being really annoyed with and removed as soon as I got to work. So, my lips were bare for the day. I will still really into my look today. It was a lot of fun having such a dark, intense eye look. I don’t know what it is about black eye shadow but it makes me feel really dark and mysterious and kind of sexy and dangerous. That sounded incredibly dorky but I’m sure you can understand what I mean.

When I got to work this morning, I was immediately in a really good mood and determined to have a really good day. Unfortunately, my workplace wasn’t being very cooperative and I spent a good portion of the day just feeling really bored. In the midst of that boredom, though, I remained happy. I was initially trying to draw something and I tried a couple times to write a song but neither was happening for me. I’m not sure what the issue was, exactly, but I was feeling really uninspired. When I went on my lunch break this afternoon, I wound up spotting my favorite of our new employees sitting down stairs in the smoking section, so I got to spend my lunch break shooting the shit with her. It was nice because I really like this girl and I am enjoying getting to know her more. It was even cooler, though, because hanging out with her on my lunch break actually inspired me to draw this really cool picture, which then inspired me to write this really cool song. So, I was really grateful for that. I spent my last break of the day with this girl, too, and it was nice to have a break buddy for the day. Also, some time after my last break, I happened to see my Mom going outside at a time that wasn’t her usual break time or anything. She told me that there was something wrong with her car and that my sister would be picking me up when I got off and taking me home. I wasn’t sure what to make of that or what could be wrong with her car, which worried me a bit. I just know that we simply don’t have the option of being without a car. It is not an option at all. Later this evening, my Mom and I discussed it a bit and both decided that we weren’t really worried about it. I mean, of course there is a small nagging concern about it but we both feel a strange sense of peace about it like whatever the issue is will be resolved easily and will not be overly expensive or anything. Basically, we both have the feeling that whatever the issue may be with the car is not going to create any sort of major issue in our lives. So, no matter what nagging concern there is, I will not allow it to take away from the feeling that I have that everything is going to be alright and it isn’t going to create an issue for us. I guess this all sounds a bit strange, considering I haven’t actually explained what the issue with the car is. My Mom drives a hybrid, a Toyota Prius, and the “hybrid system light” came on. The manual says that you need to take it to the dealership in order to have whatever the issue is repaired. My Mom absolutely hates the Toyota dealership, though, because apparently they are all a bunch of assholes there and are always really pushy and try to overcharge for everything. So, she is trying to figure out an alternative to taking it to the dealership. She did a lot of searching on the Internet and we are pretty sure we’ve figured out what the issue is – it’s just a matter of figuring out who can fix it. We’ll see. In the meantime, the car is running perfectly fine. It’s just this strange light. Strange lights in a car saying that there is something wrong with the car can definitely be scary. I am not scared of this one, though. Everything is going to be alright.

So, I have to take a minute to talk about the boy thing. As I mentioned was one of the things that made yesterday so shitty, I felt like I got completely ignored by the boy yesterday. I didn’t see him at all today. What’s worse, though, is that I didn’t see him but I did talk about him. I received some very disheartening news about him, as well, which sucks. I think the time has come to stop focusing on THIS boy and just focus on A boy. It doesn’t have to be this specific one, although I feel like I have been focusing on this specific one. The quickest way to block the Universe from bringing you what you want and need is by focusing your attention on something else that isn’t likely to be what you are really wanting. This would be a perfect example of that – I may have been blocking my REAL James Dean from finding his way to me by focusing so much on this one guy who I kind of thought could possibly be him but was always pretty sure wasn’t. There were simply too many factors and signs to make it clear that this wasn’t the one. Still, I kept my focus on him. Stupid, eh? Well, now I know better. No more focus on this boy. If he actually was supposed to be the one, then he still will be. In the meantime, though, I will leave myself open to the possibility of somebody else being the one – my James Dean. What is really interesting about this, though, is the fact that I had found myself thinking recently, particularly yesterday, that I need to just stop thinking about him and focus my attention to just finding the right one instead of somehow making this one become the right one. So, by having those persistent thoughts, the Universe attracted this news about him to me and I already find myself thinking about him less. Okay, maybe not thinking of him less but thinking of him with less affection and desire and all that jazz. He is still on my mind but now I am just thinking about how much and how clearly he was never supposed to be the one. I was just being silly and overzealous. The one is out there and he is on his way to me. I just know it. I am so grateful for it, too. I cannot wait for him to reveal himself to me. It’s going to be a “game-changer,” for sure, and God knows that my game could use a change right about now.

The only other thing I wanted to talk about is something that I think was a large factor in the reason why my workday felt so long. Seriously, I felt kind of antsy and anxious to get home all day long. One of the main reasons for this, I believe, was the fact that on my first break this morning I happened to check one of my favorite music blogs, Music Is The Heart Of Our Soul, and happened to see that something I have been waiting ages for has finally come – the debut album from my favorite band of the moment, as mentioned above, The Pretty Reckless, had officially leaked to the internet. As soon as I saw this, I did a series of cartwheels on the inside out of sheer excitement. I have been dying to finally get an album from this band for a LONG time now and today was finally the day that it leaked. Where do I even begin? The album is called “Light Me Up,” and it is FUCKING incredible! The album opens with a track that was also featured on their EP released earlier this summer, “The Pretty Reckless EP.” The song is called “My Medicine” and it is one of my favorites of all the songs that I have heard from the band prior to the album. It is also one of my favorite songs on the album. It is a cool, mid-tempo, druggy-vibed groove with a chorus of “Somebody mixed my medicine, I don’t know what I’m on.” The second song on the album is an upbeat, balls-out rock number called “Since You’re Gone,” which is one of those great, angry breakup songs about how everything is so much better without the person who was treating you wrong. This is definitely a song that I can relate to a few different situations in my past. The third song is the first single from the album, and one of my very favorite songs of the summer, “Make Me Wanna Die.” This song always makes me think that some cracked out, white trash stripper should be dancing to it. It just has that really cool hard rock sound that kind of grooves and has a beat. The lyrics on this song are brilliant. It is essentially a song about that feeling of meeting someone so amazing that you feel like you couldn’t possibly be good enough. It’s not the greatest message in the world for me to be taking in right now but it is just such a perfect song. The fourth song is the album’s title track, “Light Me Up,” which has a little bit of an old school Soundgarden vibe to it. The lyrics are kind of discussing a feeling similar to that described in “Make Me Wanna Die,” but with a much lighter tone. It is kind of about wanting someone to pick you up and make you feel better about yourself and your life. The fifth song on the record is called “Just Tonight,” and it is one of my very favorite songs on the album. This is a bit of a love song, or one of the closest things you’ll get to one on this album. The chorus says, “Just tonight I will stay and we’ll throw it all away, when the light hits your eyes it’s telling me I’m right, and if I am through it’s all because of you, just tonight.” It’s got this really big, epic sound and really puts you in the place of feeling the feelings that the song is describing, which is a beautiful thing for a song to do – especially a song like this one, which describes such a beautiful feeling. The sixth track is the second single from the album, “Miss Nothing.” This is a song that I only just heard recently and fell madly in love with. The chorus is just gorgeous, with the lyrics saying, “As I watch you disappear into the ground, my one mistake was that I never let you down, so I’ll waste my time and I’ll burn my mind, I’m Miss Nothing, I’m Miss Everything.” This is definitely a song that I can relate to. I also love the fact that this song, with these lyrics, heavily features church bells in the chorus. It is gorgeous and just genius. This is probably my very favorite track on the record. The seventh track on the album is another that was featured on “The Pretty Reckless EP,” and another of my favorites on the album. This song is called “Going Down,” and is telling the story of seducing a priest while confessing to him that you’ve murdered someone. Yes, it’s a pretty heavily layered song. What’s most fascinating about this song is the fact that Taylor Momsen, who is only 17 years old, wrote it and says that it is a direct response to all of the allegations of molestation in the Catholic Church. That little bitch is brilliant! The eighth track on the album is called “Nothing Left To Lose,” and is probably my least favorite track on the album through the few listens I have given the album as a whole so far. It’s a slower mid-tempo song kind of forlornly looking back on a long relationship. It almost has a Sheryl Crow, almost country vibe to it. It reminds me of something one of those 80s hair bands would have used as an album track. It is a really great song and I really love the chorus, which says, “Lost between Elvis and suicide, ever since the day we died, Well I’ve got nothing left to lose. After Jesus and rock & roll couldn’t save my mortal soul, well I’ve got nothing left to lose.” Like I said, it is my least favorite song on the record, which is really saying something because I absolutely love this song. The ninth song on the record is called “Factory Girl,” and it is one that I had heard before but only in the form of low quality live recordings and such. It definitely makes more of an impact in it’s full quality studio version. It is essentially a big, rock anthem about a girl who gets what she wants by doing what she has to do. It is a great song and another stripper anthem, with a chorus that says, “Wait a minute girl, can you show me to the party? I’ll let you in through the backdoor.” The tenth and final track on this album is an absolutely gorgeous, mind-blowing ballad called “You.” This song, of all the tracks on the album, (aside from, possibly, “Make Me Wanna Die,”) really feels like the bands real masterpiece. It is a completely stripped down, simple statement and also the true love song of the record. The lyrics are extremely simple and say exactly what they need to say. “You don’t want me like I want you, You don’t need me like I need you, and I want you in my life, and I need you in my life, You can’t see me like I see you, I can’t have you like you have me, and I want you in my life, and I need you in my life, You can’t feel me like I feel you, I can’t steal you like you stole me, and I want you in my life, and I need you in my life.” That is the entirety of the lyrics. Short, sweet and just saying exactly what they need to say. No need to dress it up. What really makes this song the masterpiece that it is, though, is the completely raw, stripped down instrumentation, with strings adding just the right rounded sound and Taylor Momsen’s vocal delivery. If you only download one track from the record, I would say don’t be dumb and at least download two – “You” and “Make Me Wanna Die.” These two should be enough to get you completely hooked and make you download the rest of the album. I highly recommend downloading or actually going out and buying this album. I actually intend to go out and buy this record when it comes out next week because it is incredible and incredible artistry deserves to be rewarded. So, definitely check it out. My only complaint about this record is the exclusion of two demos that leaked a few months ago – the two songs that have kind of been my very favorite Pretty Reckless songs prior to the album being released. These songs are the insanely gorgeous and heart-wrenching ballad, “Heart,” and the mid-tempo hard rock track, “SUS (Shut Up Slut.)” The album could easily have stood two more tracks and I think these both would have fit in quite nicely with the record. Aside from that, though, this record is just perfect and I highly recommend you all give it a listen. I think I will go give it another listen right now, while I go to sleep. Goodnight.

Chapter 293: Still Beautiful

Today was not a very interesting day. I don't have much to say about it & I am going to try to keep it short. If I'm being honest, it was actually kind of a bad day, which is why I don't want to spend too much time talking about it. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by one of my long-time favorite artists, Jessica Simpson. The song is from her most recent album, "Do You Know," and it is called "Still Beautiful." The chorus of this song says, "They won't all be sunny days, Life's gonna bring down some rain but after it's over I'll be that much stronger for the pain, so even when I'm sad I know every day I have is still beautiful." I love that song and listen to it somewhat frequently because it spreads such a positive message. No matter how bad a day, a week, a month or even a year may be, you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture of your life and realize how entirely beautiful it is just to be alive. It is so important to remember that and to not let a single crappy moment or even an entire crappy day bring you down. Life IS still beautiful. So, even if I woke up late, couldn't manage to write or draw a single thing worth a damn, received some disheartening news right off the bat, spent the day feeling kind of crappy and got completely ignored by a boy, I have to remember that life is still incredibly and entirely and undeniably beautiful. It is great. Like I said, I'm not going to waste any time discussing it in detail. I am done, in fact. I'm in the process of making dinner and watching Rufus Wainwright on "Chelsea Lately." He is adorable and hilarious and immensely talented - a major inspiration to me. So, instead of recounting this day, I am going to end this here and focus my attention on things that inspire me. Have a great night!

Chapter 292: Something's Coming

So, today was a pretty boring day. I mean, it wasn't bad or anything, it was just kind of boring. As I mentioned in last night/this morning's post, my Mom stayed home from work today because she wasn't feeling well. She has been saying for the past few days that she felt like she was getting sick, so it only makes sense that she eventually did. So, since we were both home for the day we decided to make it a movie day. I felt really bad for my Mom because she was clearly not feeling well and I wanted to make her feel as comfortable as possible. So, we spent the day just lying around not doing anything but watching movies and talking and such. So, I decided to start the day by watching this DVD that we've had forever but I had never watched: "West Side Story." "West Side Story" is my grandma Carmen's favorite movie of all-time, so I have always been curious about seeing it. I mean, I'd seen it before but this was like 10 years ago, at least, and only the one time. I watched it with my Grandma Carmen, in fact. Anyway, any time I hear about "West Side Story" I think of my Grandma Carmen. After watching it today, I could easily see why she felt such a connection to this film. My Grandma Carmen was born in East L.A., to parents who had both migrated to this country from other places, much like Maria and Bernardo and all the Sharks. The racism and the struggles that these characters went through are very similar to some of what my grandma went through growing up. In fact, my Mom had told me a story about my grandma that absolutely breaks my heart. You see, when my grandma Carmen was just a little girl starting school she spoke Spanish much better than she could speak English. So, when she went to school she would speak both languages sometimes and her teacher discouraged her from speaking Spanish because she was in this country, so my grandma refused to speak spanish from that point on. To this day, she won't speak it. It's awful that she had to give up her first language because of some racist schoolteacher. It is awful. I hate the fact that people neglect to realize the fact that the things they say to children can really stick with them and inform the rest of their lives. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like back in those days for my grandma and great grandma and such, being a Mexican/Japanese family in this country back before people made any effort to even pretend to be sensitive or civil to those who are differemt from them. It must have been awful.

Anyway, "West Side Story" was truly an incredible film. For those who don't know, "West Side Story" is basically a modern re-telling of "Romeo & Juliet," set in 1950s New York City. Instead of feuding families, like the Montagues and Capulets, it is dealing with dueling street gangs the Jets & the Sharks. What's most interesting, though, is the fact that this isn't just about street gangs, it is very much about racial issues. You see, the Jets are a bunch of working class white kids, while the Sharks are all Puerto Ricans, which New York City had a pretty large influx of migrating in at that time. It is crazy to see the type of racist things that could be said on film back in those days. It's fucked up. I mean, I guess they could still be said but it would create an insane controversy if anybody did it now. Anyway, the biggest thing you have to talk about when discussing this film, of course, is the music. The soundtrack to "West Side Story" is chock full of classics, with music by Leonard Bernstein and lyrics by Stephen Sondheim. In fact, from what I understand, "West Side Story" was Stephen Sondheim's first major project... Boy, is that the beginning of an insane body of work or what? Anyway, I was surprised to find that a lot of songs that I already knew from various other sources were from this show - including "I Feel Pretty," and, my favorite, "Something's Coming." As soon as I heard Tony start singing "Something's Coming," I kind of freaked out because it was exactly what I needed to hear right now - it is exactly how I feel. "Could it be? Yes, it could. Something's coming, something good." It's so true. I feel exactly like this song describes right now - something IS coming for me. Something amazing. Listening to that song gets me really excited for it, too! Of course, the rest of the music is brilliant, as well, like "Maria," "Somewhere" and probably the most popular over the years, "Tonight." It is a long movie, for sure, but it is AMAZING. Besides, it's not as long as "Gone With The Wind" or anything, and it is a lot more entertaining all the way through!

After that, my Mom and I decided to order a pay-per-view movie from DirecTV, which we had never done. After a little confusion on how to do that, we finally figured it out and sat down to watch "The Last Song." "The Last Song" is the most recent Nicholas Sparks adaptation, although it was actually done a little differently than most Nicholas Sparks films. Nicholas Sparks was actually approached to write a story specifically for Miley Cyrus, who starred in the film, and so he wrote a screenplay. Then, once he had finished the screenplay, he went ahead and wrote a book to go along with it. So, technically, this isn't actually an adaptation at all but his book, "The Last Song," is an adaptation of the film. Either way, though, it worked out so that Miley Cyrus starred in a Nicholas Sparks story. Miley Cyrus is one of my favorite artists out there and Nicholas Sparks is one of my favorite authors, so put the two together and I am interested. I was not let down, either. "The Last Song" was actually a brilliant film and Miley Cyrus acted her ass off in this movie. It is the story of a rebellious teenage girl who is sent to live with her estranged father for the summer. She is an accomplished pianist who quit playing when her mother and father divorced, basically to spite her father. Through reluctantly spending this summer at her father's home in Tybee Island, Georgia, she rediscovers her love for music, for her father and falls in love for the first time. It is a beautiful story and, in true Nicholas Sparks fashion, somebody had to die in the end and I had to bawl my eyes out. I don't want to tell too much about the plot and spoil it for anybody but I will say that it is beautiful and I highly recommend seeing it. In the grand scheme of Nicholas Sparks films, it is not quite as good as "A Walk To Remember," but slightly better than "The Notebook," but I guess you can't really take my opinion on this because I know that most people liked "The Notebook" better than "A Walk To Remember," and I absolutely did not. "A Walk To Remember" is still one of my favorite books of all-time and the film ALMOST did it justice. Like I said, though, I definitely recommend checking out "The Last Song." Don't be put off by the fact that Miley Cyrus is the star - it is brilliant.

After that, we sat back and watched one of my favorite films of all-time, "Josie & The Pussycats." I know what you're thinking, "WHAT? That movie is fucking cheesy!" I agree with you, it is pretty damn cheesy, but if you look past that you will find a fucking solid story with really great, cheesy music and a really strong message to spread. For those who haven't seen it, "Josie & The Pussycats," based on the classic "Archie Comics" addendum and cartoon from the 70s, is the story of a small-town band made up of three girls, called Josie & The Pussycats. In the film version, Josie & The Pussycats are discovered by a record label who are secretly using the music they release to spread subliminal messages to the youth of the nation, telling them what products to buy, what to wear, what to believe, etc. It is done in a very fun, over-the-top, cheesy way but the message of it all is one that definitely needs to be heard by the youth of America and around the world. It is too bad that the film wasn't more popular. It was also the last time you saw either Tara Reid or Rachel Leigh Cook do anything that was actually any good. It's a shame, too, because Rachel Leigh Cook was a very talented girl and Tara Reid... well, was Tara Reid. It also makes me want to listen to the soundtrack again real bad. This soundtrack has been on my iPod for years and every now and then I will whip it out and listen to it. I think I may do that tonight, actually. It is actually really impressive to know that all of the music for this film, both by Josie & The Pussycats and the fake boyband in the film, DuJour, was written by Kenny "Babyface" Edmonds and all of the vocals for Josie were done by Kay Hanley of the band Letters To Cleo. Those are pretty impressive credentials. The music was actually really good, too. It was very cleverly written, fun pop/rock music. I love it.

Anyway, after that I took a shower and then sat down to write this blog. Like I said, it was a pretty boring day. I'm ready to go to bed. I'm feeling pretty tired and, for some strange reason, am looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I feel like I am much more productive, creatively, when I am at work and get a lot more done/make a lot more advancements with my art. So, I am looking forward to doing that tomorrow. As far as the rest of work, I am far less excited. Plus, oddly, I feel kind of odd having spent the entire day in the house. I know that is silly, considering there have been many days when I have spent the entire day in the house, or even the entire weekend. I think it is probably because my Mom was here all day, too. Normally, when we are both home for the day, like on the weekends and such, we go out and do stuff. So, having her home with me must have made me feel a little restless, like we should have been out doing something. She was sick, though. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow. For now, though, it is time for me to go to bed and dream of whatever it is that is coming my way. I am keeping my fingers crossed that whatever it is reminds me of James Dean. We'll see. Goodnight.

Chapter 291: I Hate Boys

I'd be lying if I seriously tried to sit here and be like, "OMG I HATE BOYS," because anybody who knows me, or hell who's even met me once or twice, knows that this is not the case really. I LOVE BOYS. I could probably be described as boycrazy, like a character from one of those 1950s Annette Funicello beach movies - you know, there was always that one girl in those movies who was just obsessed with boys and thought that every boy she came across was so "dreamy" or whatever. I mean, I'm not that bad but I definitely appreciate and admire and adore the male form in all it's different shapes and sizes and such. Still, there are definitely moments where I can get really frustrated and upset with the entire male species. There are just certain traits that you find in them pretty commonly that I really don't appreciate at all. Let's explore some of these a little further.

First of all, there is the tendency to be possessive and non-committal at the same time. If you've had any dealings with boys or men or whatever, you have probably become familiar with phrases like, "why do we have to label ourselves?" or "things are so great now, why would you want to change them?" The answer to these questions is pretty simple - because we want some sort of guarantee. wWe want things to be official. Most of all, though, we want a promise that these boys aren't just going to turn around and walk away without a moment's notice. The reasons that boys say these sorts of things are because they want to have the option to just turn around and walk away without a moment's notice. Even if they have no intentions of doing so, they still want to be able to if they choose. At the same time, though, if their partners turn around and go with that same type of stance on their relationship, it pisses them off and creates an issue. I think the real reason behind this is because it is a control issue. Boys always want to feel like they have the upper hand and that you are just sitting around waiting for them or are willing to bend to their will at the threat of them leaving you, thus giving them the control of the relationship. It's fucked up is what it is. This was a big issue with my last boyfriend. He never ever wanted to say that he was my boyfriend or that I was his. It wasn't an issue where I felt like he didn't want anybody to know we were together because keeping our relationship secret was my idea. We didn't acknowledge our relationship in front of other people so it was fine that he didn't call me his boyfriend in front of others - the issue was that he didn't call me his boyfriend when we were alone. That was far worse than ever not wanting to say it in front of others. I could deal much better with him not wanting other people to know, (although that would certainly create it's own separate set of issues,) than I was able to deal with him not wanting to say it in private. If he didn't want to call himself my boyfriend in private it had to be because he didn't want to be my boyfriend. I did try to turn it around on him at one point and he flipped out on me. He was dumb.

Another thing I hate about boys is how selfish they can be. I have yet to get involved with a boy who wasn't more concerned with his own personal gains than anything else in life. The last guy that I was involved with in some way, although we were never technically involved in any official capacity, was one of those guys who had one thing on his mind. No, that thing wasn't sex. It was money. Throughout the course of the time that I was dealing with him, I watched him go through a long string of guys who were older than him and who had a good deal of money. Still, throughout all of this, he kept me around. Like the old song says, he kept me hanging on... And I just kept on hanging.I mean, at the end of the day it was my choice but he certainly had his ways of making me want to stick around and hold out hope that eventually he'd see the error of his ways and just be with me. That never happened, of course, and I just wound up sticking around for AGES before finally coming to my senses about the whole thing and giving up. I believe that he eventually found what he was looking for - not necessarily love, (although it's possible that is there, as well,) but comfort. I hope so. If not, I'm sure he can cry all over the big fancy house he wound up in and the crazy expensive car I last saw him driving. Like I said, though, hopefully he's actually happy wherever he is.

The thing I hate most about boys, though, is how they are so impossible to read. I'm not sure why that is. I think it may have to do with the difference between boy minds and girl minds. It has long been said that boys have a tendency to be the more simple, logical thinkers, while girls are more complex and emotional. Before anybody says anything, I understand that I am a boy and have a boy mind, technically, but I feel like I have always tended far more to the girl mindset when it comes to relationships. So, a boy can say or do something completely miniscule and minor that is completely meaningless to them but that the girl mind will spend several months going over and obsessing over it in their head. I do that all the time. In fact, I am kind of in that place right now. There is this boy who just keeps showing up and hanging around me and I have kind of an insane crush on this boy. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't realize it by now but it's quite possible he has and is just not saying anything. I don't know! This is the issue, actually. I don't know a single thing that is on this boy's mind. I know that he comes around a lot and is really sweet and friendly and practically perfect in every way that I have seen... But realistically, I haven't seen enough to REALLY make a judgment. There are so many things that are so important to know that I just can't seem to figure out. Being that this is a boy we're talking about, though, he's not giving any kind of clues. I hate that about boys. It just makes dealing with them so complicated and it drives me crazy! It's one of those things that is good and bad at the same time, though. I mean, that's a part of what makes it exciting and fun to deal with boys in the beginning... So long as it goes away eventually & grows into something better. Something like the "Hummingbird Heartbeat."

I have to make myself clear here, though. I DO NOT ACTUALLY HATE BOYS. They don't all possess these qualities. I know that there are boys out there who are beautiful, sweet, charming, funny, well-intentioned men. I know that I am going to find one of these. I am going to find a boy who is nothing like those boys from the past. Maybe it's a boy who I already know, (and am obsessing over,) but maybe not. Whoever the boy is, he will be completely perfect for me. I wrote a song about it at work today, actually. It's as simple as this - he doesn't have to be perfect for anybody else, he just has to be perfect for me. No matter what he looks like to the outside world, I will see him and see nothing but perfect beauty. I am excited for it to come. I am really feeling ready for it. So, it will come any day now and I will feel such an immense sense of gratitude for it. It will be perfect.

Okay, I fell asleep writing this last night. It was a LONG day yesterday and I was exhausted, so I fell asleep with my phone in my hand while writing this blog. What a hot mess! Fortunately, it is Tuesday now & it's my day off. My Mom woke me up at 9:45am because she was sick and did not want to go into work. She was feeling really bad about it and t t didn't want to call in before talking about it with me. I told her it was fine and there was no issue. So, we're just sitting around watching TV this morning. No plans for the day. I guess we'll see what happens as the day goes on. I guess I'd better go get to it. Have a great day!

Chapter 290: A Little Messed Up

Today was a pretty good day. I mean, it had it’s ups and downs, but overall it was pretty good. I didn’t do a whole lot, so I will probably make this a pretty short blog tonight. I’m tired and I don’t really have all that much to say. The day began at 10:45am when my alarm went off. My Mom was at work doing some overtime, so I was kind of left to my own devices this morning. So, the first thing I did, aside from brushing my teeth and washing my face and such, was sit down in front of the TV to watch my most recent arrival from Netflix, “James Dean,” the biopic from 2004 starring James Franco as my boyfriend, James Dean. James Franco is NO James Dean but in terms of my ideal man, he’d be pretty high up on the list behind James Dean. Unfortunately, this film did a whole lot of nothing for me. It was just not very good. James Franco seemed to be playing a complete caricature of the classic James Dean image. He didn’t bring anything new or all that interesting to the role, which is a shame because from what I have seen in interviews and such James Dean was a very complex and captivating guy. James Franco did not bring that across at all. The entire movie was focused on his having Daddy issues, which is an interesting angle based on the roles James Dean had in “Rebel Without A Cause” and “East Of Eden,” but it wasn’t played out very well. It seemed like this movie didn’t put much focus at all on James Dean’s actual personal life. Aside from the Daddy issues, the other focus of this film was how difficult he was supposed to be to work with. Even that was basically just mentioned a lot but not really demonstrated much. It was just not a very good movie, which is a shame. My James Dean deserves better than that. I mean, it wasn’t the worst movie in the world but it wasn’t great, either. I don’t really recommend it – it wasn’t very interesting. I also did laundry while watching this movie and text messaged back and forth with my Mom, discussing plans for when she got off from work at 2pm. We both agreed that we wanted to go do lunch at IHOP because I got this thing from the IHOP in Orlando called a Big Steak Omelette that was insanely delicious. I also really wanted to get a haircut and go shop for new jeans. It has been forever and a day since I had bought new jeans and there is this store for fat people in town that has really cute jeans, so I figured I would go check it out and see if I could pick up something cute. So, the movie ended around 1pm and I immediately took out the trash because my Mom had asked me to last night, then got into the shower, shaved and did my hair and makeup for the day. I got to use some of the new products I picked up last night and I absolutely love them, especially the Super Skinny Liquid Eyeliner Marker I got from NYX. It works perfectly! I also used the lip stain I had purchased, which I was really happy with last night but felt considerably less sure of today. I don’t know how I feel about it still. I will have to try it again another day.

Once my Mom got home we headed out to try to figure out where I could get a haircut on a Sunday and it turns out that the answer is nowhere. Most places were on the verge of closing already and not taking any more customers. Even Supercuts and Great Clips were all really busy and getting ready to close. I figured out later that this was probably because tomorrow is the first day of school and all the parents are taking their kids out for last minute haircuts. So, we scratched off the idea of getting my hair cut, which kind of sucks. We then headed to IHOP for lunch, where our server was this absolutely adorable guy who reminded me way too much of Wilson Cruz, from “Noah’s Arc” and “My So-Called Life,” which was very appealing. We were stuffed by the time we left there. There was this really funny group of people who showed up towards the end of our meal, though, who were a bunch of college-aged kids who were tourists in the area. I only bring them up because they totally made me think of the cast of some generic horror film at the very beginning of the movie and I imagined all these different scenarios about the vicious ways they would each be murdered in the next few days or whatever, and which ones would be the ones who would survive in the end and such. It was pretty entertaining. After we left there we headed over to the fat man store, where I found all kinds of really cute jeans. Unfortunately, these jeans were all like $50 each and I could really only afford to pick up one pair. So, I got this really gorgeous new pair of dark blue faded denim jeans with an orange/golden colored undertone. I am in love with them. I also picked up a new khaki colored belt, which I also fell in love with. These are seriously the most comfortable jeans I have ever worn. They are awesome and I am already really excited to actually wear them.

After that, my Mom was really tired and I wound up spending more money than I wanted to for the day and still had a few other things to pick up, so we decided to just go home for a while. My Mom lay down for a nap and I laid down in bed to watch a movie on Netflix. Just last night I discovered that Netflix had the movie “Sweet Charity” available for Instant Viewing, which I was really excited about. I had never seen the film version of “Sweet Charity,” but went through this little period a few years ago where I was completely obsessed with the Cast Recording of the 2005 Revival of the show, starring Christina Applegate. The music from this show is brilliant. I absolutely adore it. The film version, directed by Bob Fosse back in 1969, stars Shirley McClaine as Charity Hope Valentine, the down-on-her-luck but completely loveable dancehall hostess who is eternally hopeful and searching for true love. Poor Charity is repeatedly getting shit on by men but remains just as hopeful and happy as ever. Still, she is unhappy in her job and her general station in life. The story follows Charity as she meets various men and gets screwed over by all of them. In the end, she meets a man who she falls in love with but doesn’t tell him what she does for a living. Everything goes great but in the end she tells him what she does and he at first claims to be okay with it and proposes, but eventually breaks off the engagement because he just can’t deal with the idea of all the men in the dancehall she has dealt with. In the very end, Charity lives, as the screen read, “hopefully ever after.” This film was absolutely adorable and I found myself relating to Charity in so many ways it wasn’t even funny. I totally get what she was going through, although I am not quite in the same predicament as she was. I mean, at least she had a long string of men shitting on her. I haven’t dated anybody in a very long time. What I could definitely relate to, though, was her optimism. No matter how many shitty guys she dealt with, she still really believed that the one was coming. No matter how many guys I am not dealing with at all, I still absolutely believe that the right one is coming. My James Dean is coming any day now. I can’t wait for it.

After I finished this movie, my Mom was awake and we needed to go out and pick up cigarettes and soda for me and buy ourselves some dinner. We went to K-Mart, which is really strange because it was the second time I’d been there this week after not having been there in years. At K-Mart, I picked up a new tube of my Covergirl CG Aqua Smoothers tinted moisturizer, which is what I use as foundation every single day and have just run out of. I also spent $2.99 on a new mascara from Wet N’ Wild, which is one of the most ghetto of ghetto brand cosmetics and one that I haven’t used in like five years. Everything of theirs was SO cheap, though. Like I said, this mascara I picked up was only $2.99. It was also a curl-enhancing mascara, which I was pretty psyched about, because my lashes are really full and long but they don’t hold a curl at all, so I am excited to see if this mascara helps with this at all. Like I said, my current mascara is from Stila and is just not all that great. It is too thick and gets way too much product on the brush. I have a really bad tendency to accidentally get mascara in my eye because of how much is on the brush. Have you ever gotten mascara in your eye? IT BURNS… just like cum but probably worse. No need to elaborate on that further. Anyway, I also picked up a pencil sharpener because the one I use for my eyeliner pencils got lost and my favorite black eyeliner pencil, the Urban Decay 24/7 Glide On Eye Pencil in Zero, has gotten to that point where the product was in further than the wood, so any time I used it I would wind up stabbing myself in the eye a little bit with the wooden part. So, a pencil sharpener was a very good investment. Unfortunately, after all of this spending today I am in a bad position again. The thing is, I know that I attracted this to myself. I spent all weekend focused on not getting to that point where I am kind of screwed for the next two weeks. So, of course, putting out the frequency of what I do not want instead of the frequency of what I do want brought what I do not want to me. So, for the next two weeks and after I get paid again I will focus only on improved financial situations. I will focus on having an abundance of money and being able to just go out and buy whatever I want. Eventually, if I keep focusing on that and really believing in it, it will have no choice but to come to me.

All that being said, I am ready for bed. The only other thing I wanted to mention was the album that I have been listening to a lot, aside from Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” album. This is pretty much the only album I have been listening to aside from Katy Perry, and Regina Spektor who Rachel kind of talked me into giving a chance and who I can’t get enough of now. The album I am talking about is “A Little Messed Up” by The Dollyrots, a band who has been around for several years but who I am just discovering now. This album is not actually released yet, I believe, but I just stumbled upon it online and completely fell in love with it. The Dollyrots are a female-led pop-punk band and they are just brilliant. This album, the only of theirs that I have heard at this point, is just wall-to-wall fun. The entire album is pretty upbeat and very California focused, which I love. My favorite thing, though, is that pretty much the entire album is about falling in love. I really appreciate that right now because it is what I am trying to attract into my life and this, as well as much of the Katy Perry album, is excellent music to bring that idea into focus. I highly recommend checking this band out because they are absolutely insane. Their music is all a lot of fun and really catchy, spunky, poppy rock/punk music. It is a brilliant album. It really reminds me of being in California again and makes me feel the desire to go back there again. The best songs on the album, in my opinion, or the songs to download if you are just wanting a little preview of their sound, would definitely be “California Beach Boy,” “Just Like Chocolate,” “Om Nom Nom,” “Some Girls” and the title track, “A Little Messed Up.” Seriously, though, just download the entire album – it is absolutely worth it. For now, though, it is time for me to get to bed. Tomorrow is back to work, and I believe my Mom and I are going to see “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” at the dollar theatre after work tomorrow. So, it should be good times. For now, though, I need to have a good time straight to bed. Goodnight.

Chapter 289: Hummingbird Heartbeat

It's been a pretty interesting day. Not all THAT interesting but it was pretty laid back & enjoyable. I woke up at 10:45am when my alarm went off this morning after having gone to sleep fairly early last night. I fell asleep last night around 1am listening to the newest episode of The Nerdist podcast, which is kind of a weekend tradition for me without the 1am sleep time. In fact, more often than not it is closer to 4am when I really need to be sleeping but don't actually have any intention to go to sleep for at least an hour. Fortunately, I fell asleep in the middle of it last night, so I can go ahead & do that tonight. Not really, though. It is just about to turn midnight & I am already feeling like passing out. I don't intend on making it a long blog tonight. After I woke up I spent a good two hours dicking around with something online, although I don't remember what it was now. It's not really important. After that, I decided to try watching something that had been sitting on the DVR all week - PBS' "Live From Lincoln Center" broadcast of the current revival of "South Pacific." I learned something from this, too. What did I learn? When it comes to classic musicals, I am really just into Sondheim. "South Pacific" was written by Rogers & Hammerstein. I just found it so boring. The story wasn't very compelling and the music all just seemed hokey and lame. I feel the same way about Andrew Lloyd Webber, except he is much worse. I'm kind of hit or miss with Neil Simon but I have never seen a Sondheim show or listened to a Sondheim soundtrack that I didn't love. So, I need to stick with him. I wound up stopping "South Pacific" somewhere in the midst of the first act. I came into the bedroom and decided to try to find something to watch on Netflix instead. Since I was so underwhelmed with what I saw of “South Pacific” I wanted to find some other old musical to watch that I would be happier with. Unfortunately, after digging around a bit I didn’t come up with anything that I was overly thrilled with the idea of and just wound up watching “Did You Hear About The Morgans?” with Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant. It is pretty rare that I have ever been disappointed with anything Sarah Jessica Parker has done. Unfortunately, this was one of those times. It was cute and I guess wasn’t a COMPLETE waste of time but it just wasn’t very good. The plot had more holes in it than 50 Cent’s body. Unfortunately, unlike 50 Cent’s body, these holes were never stitched up and healed. I mean, the chemistry between Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant was good – it was really good casting. It was just a stupid concept. Essentially, this movie was about two rich white people in New York City who witness a murder and are put into the witness protection program and sent to live in Wyoming. The catch is, though, they are a recently separated married couple. Oh, drama! Except that the drama never really takes place. Instead, it’s just a lot of dorky jokes and melodramatic moments of SJP being like, “Why did you sleep with another woman? Is it because she was prettier than me?” and then me being like, “Shut up, bitch, you’re Carrie FUCKING Bradshaw!” I don’t know. I may be a little overly judgmental about this but I just was really disappointed with it. I was expecting another SJP romantic comedy like “Failure To Launch,” which I loved, and I just got crap.

Somewhere in the midst of all this, I got a text message from my Mom asking if I would be interested in going to dinner at this weird little bar in town where one of my co-workers was playing in a band. One of her co-workers is very good friends with my co-worker and invited her to the show. I had been hearing forever that this guy’s band was amazing and had always said, “Oh yeah, I should go to one of his shows some time,” but never actually had. One of the new agents at work who I actually like had asked me if I would go yesterday, as well, and I gave my normal “I don’t know what my plans are but maybe” answer, even though I knew that my plans were most likely to just sit around home and watch movies with my Mom or something. Since my Mom wanted to go, too, though, I figured it would be alright. So, once again, in spite of my automatic instinct to say no, I said yes. Because of this, I made it a point to be dressed and have my hair and makeup done by the time she got off work at 4:30pm. We weren’t supposed to meet her co-worker there until around 7pm but I figured we could go run errands or shop or something beforehand. In fact, my plan was pretty clear in my head – go to Ulta to use my gift card. I had already planned to use $17.50 of the gift card on Ulta brand products so that I could get this deal they had where you get a free gift of a makeup bag loaded up with all kinds of Ulta brand stuff. The one thing I had in mind, as far as Ulta brand cosmetics went, was this liquid eyeliner pen that Whitney recommended before. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find it anywhere in this Ulta store. So, instead I loaded up on a couple of really cool lip products, including my first ever lip stain. I put this on 4 hours ago and it is still going strong, in spite of eating and drinking and smoking quite a bit since then. I am actually considering going back tomorrow to pick up a couple more of these in different shades… or maybe I will go back in September, since it is “No Makeup August.” Using my gift card today made me forget about that a little bit. I had actually specifically planned not to go over the $27 and change that was on the gift card for that specific reason, because I figured I wasn’t breaking my rule if I wasn’t spending any of my own money on makeup. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize how much I was spending and went over by $12. Aside from the lip stain and this cool duel-ended liquid lip color and lip gloss, I also picked up a really gorgeous nude colored lipstick from NYX and, since NYX products were buy two get one free, I also bought their Super Skinny Liquid Eye Liner Marker and their Super Fat Liquid Eye Liner Marker, because these were both reasonable alternatives to the Ulta brand pen liquid liner I was looking for. I was really happy with all of my purchases, though, and I can technically say that I was replacing my current liquid liner, Line Stiletto by Maybelline, which I haven’t actually run out of but I have gotten really sick of. The applicator wand on it is far too flimsy and moves around far too much, causing me to fuck up my lines with it. These NYX liquid liner markers have felt tips, like a marker, and work beautifully. Therefore, I have justified all of my purchases today and “No Makeup August” is still intact. Plus, my Mom bought a perfume and got a really cute free “weekender” bag that she saw in the Ulta ads and fell in love with, so it was a productive trip for both of us… Oh, except that I didn’t actually get the free gift makeup bag they advertised. Supplies did not last very long, apparently.

After we left Ulta, it was already after 7pm and we immediately headed over to the weird little bar. When we arrived at this place I was immediately taken aback a bit – it was very small and very “redneck.” I’m not going to lie about the fact that redneck bars really freak me out. Much more than any other group, rednecks are notoriously known for not being very accepting of different types of people. I definitely felt a little hesitant about walking into this place with all of my makeup and such. Still, in spite of my initial discomfort, I went ahead and actually wound up having a really good time. I met a pair of really cute young guys who were musicians, which was pretty cool, and discovered that my co-worker’s band was fucking incredible. Seriously, oftentimes when people tell you that they’re in a band or are an artist of any type you kind of wonder if they’re actually any good at it or if they just really think that they are. I mean, a lot of other people had told me how good this guy was but I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as it actually was. It was kind of inspiring to me, as well, because it was great to see somebody in the same, or similar, position as I am in life who still goes out and does what he loves and also just works a regular job. It kind of reminded me that whether or not I ever “make it big” or whatever, I will still always have the opportunity to do what I love, even if it is on a small scale. So, that was a really great thing to see. I was also surprised, sadly I think, to see how friendly people were to me in this place. Don’t get me wrong, I got my share of funny looks and such, but overall everybody I spoke with and such was very nice. It was a nice time. It also made me realize that I really need to stop thinking of small town bars and such as being full of crazies who are waiting to gay bash me. It is silly, irrational and, most of all, judgmental. I am not a judgmental person, in general, but I guess I do my fair share of passing judgment much more than I realized. So, from this point forward, I need to stop that.

On the way home, my Mom and I were listening to the new Katy Perry record, “Teenage Dream,” and started having this discussion about one of the songs. Before I go into that, though, I just have to say that “Teenage Dream” is one of the best albums to have been released this year so far, BY FAR. There isn’t a single song on this record that I don’t absolutely love. I have been listening to the album pretty much constantly since it leaked earlier this week. It is AMAZING and I definitely recommend that everybody pick it up when it is released this coming Tuesday. In fact, it is so good that I intend to actually buy it on iTunes when it comes out. One of my favorite tracks on the album has become the second to last song on the record, called “Hummingbird Heartbeat.” As we were driving home and listening to this song, I was saying that this song is describing exactly what I am looking for right now – that “hummingbird heartbeat” feeling, where you feel like your heart starts racing and your teeth want to chatter and you get that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and that crazy, amazing nervous-but-excited feeling in your head. That real “head over heels” feeling is what I am looking for. My Mom was saying that she doesn’t have that feeling with her boyfriend, and I asked her, “Not ever?” She told me that she does have it every now and then but much more often they have the feeling of being completely comfortable with one another. She also talked about how sometimes they will just be sitting together and she will catch him just looking at her and smiling. She talked about how sometimes they will just feel giddy for no reason when they are together. As we were discussing this, I decided that the things she was talking about are what the “hummingbird heartbeat” should eventually lead to. You can’t constantly have the “hummingbird heartbeat” long-term. If that is how you always feel, I would think that there is something wrong. I do think that you should always get it occasionally but eventually you should grow into the feeling that she described of being able to feel completely comfortable with one another but also have the feeling of being giddy just to be together and such. The one should gradually turn into the other without every going away completely. What do I know, though? I have never made it past the “hummingbird heartbeat” stage of a relationship. So, I suppose that the “hummingbird heartbeat” isn’t what I am looking for at all right now. I mean, I am looking for that but much more I am looking forward to getting past that point to something even greater. That is what I am really looking for. I am looking for a love that will last. It’ll come. It’ll come soon, actually. James Dean is on his way to me. I can feel it. In fact, since it is nearly 3:30am, I should probably go ahead and get to bed so I can have some dreams of him. Goodnight.

Chapter 288: Strip Me

Chapter 287: Firework

I am at a strange crossroad in my life right now. I am 27 years old. I am at an age where I should be an adult – living independently, establishing a career, starting a “family” or at least being in a healthy, productive, long-term relationship, etc. Mainly, I shouldn’t be so confused about what I am trying to do with my life. It is funny because this is the first time in my life that I have felt any confusion at all about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. As I have discussed in this blog many times previously, I have had a very clear concept of what my life was meant to be ever since I was just a small child. It was never a question in my mind – there was never another option. All of my life I have known, more than anything else I have ever known, that I was meant to be a musician. I’m not sure what it is that has come over me recently, (perhaps the simple fact that I am getting older,) but I have been thinking a lot about what I would do if that never wound up happening for me. I think it is probably a combination of the fact that I haven’t had piano lessons for the past few weeks and the fact that my birthday just passed. Whatever it is, I have been thinking a lot about other options I could take with my life. As I have discussed in the blog a few times previously, I have been really interested in the idea of getting my GED and going to school for cosmetology, with the goal of becoming a professional makeup artist. This is a career path that I could definitely have fun with and one that I could find myself feeling very fulfilled by. Of course, there would be a lot of work involved in doing that, probably just as much work as learning piano and trying to become a professional musician. The only difference is the fact that if I really dedicated myself to trying to become a professional makeup artist, it would essentially mean that I was giving up on the dream I have been living with for my entire life. Am I really ready to do that? I don’t know.

I don’t think I am.

As I am typing this all out and really considering the idea of it I am very quickly coming to realize that this is all crazy talk. I cannot give up on my dreams. I know that they may be pipe dreams and may never come true but I also don’t have a single doubt that I would wind up spending the rest of my life looking back on this very moment in my life when I made the decision to give up and always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t. That isn’t something that I am willing to live with – not yet. What the fuck am I thinking here? If I have learned anything from “The Secret,” both from my previous practice of it and my renewed practice now, it is that there isn’t a single thing in this life that is genuinely impossible. There is no such thing as impossibility. There IS, on the other hand, such a thing as working hard and focusing every ounce of your energy on the things that you really want out of life. There is no such thing as too much or not enough. There is an abundance of everything out there in this world and the only thing keeping any of us from getting to it all is our own minds. I CAN FUCKING DO THIS. I am a fucking firework, like that song from the new Katy Perry album. I am a firework and I am going to turn my life into the Fourth of July. No, I am going to do even better. I am going to turn my life into Disneyland, where there is a HUGE fireworks display every single night. That is the person that I am and that is the life that I am going to lead. No longer will I allow what I have inside to not match what the world that I live in each day. No longer will I allow myself a single moment of boredom or thoughtlessness. Those are all moments that I could be spending coming up with new ideas or just focusing my energy on making the thoughts that I have already had turn into reality. All of the things that I want out of life – writing music, performing, LIVING, being more active, losing weight, finding my James Dean – are all completely possible. Not only are they possible but they are completely plausible. More than that, they are already out there. They are all already in existence just waiting for ME. My life can be everything I have ever dreamed it to be. I CAN make it happen for myself. That is exactly what I intend to do here. I intend to be a fucking firework, damn it!

I AM A FUCKING FIREWORK, DAMN IT!

So, that’s it. I’ve made my decision. I am going to continue my piano lessons. I will call Viktor tomorrow and, after talking to him, I will decide whether or not I am going to continue with him. I am going to continue with my piano lessons and I am going to continue working on my voice on my own. One of my thoughts had been to quit piano lessons and focus only on voice but I DO still have the voice that I have always had and been so proud of – I just have to find it again. All that time before when I was trying to practice singing, after my “Glee” audition video and such, I didn’t find myself improving but I now realize that this was because I was spending that whole time thinking that my voice had gone to shit and I was trying to improve it. I was focusing on it not working like it used to. Fuck that. It IS still in there. What I need to focus on is singing beautifully and being as talented as I already know that I am. The Universe will sort out the rest. In the meantime, though, I think quitting smoking would be helpful, as well. So, I think I am going to do that, as well, once the carton I am in the midst of runs out. That is four packs from now, most likely on Sunday. I can do this. I did it once before and didn’t have a whole lot of problem. Actually, no, I am not going to quit smoking. My perfect partner is going to smoke, just like James Dean, and my voice can work just fine while I smoke. Pink smokes and her voice is amazing. I’m not saying that my voice will be like Pink’s but it will still work. I may quit smoking sometime later down the road if I decide to but right now I am not going to. Fuck that. I am going to build upon my talents and be fucking amazing. I am going to lose weight. My skin is going to improve even more than it already has. My financial situation is going to improve immensely and I am not going to have to worry about money or go without things I want every again. I am going to dress in designer clothes day to day. I am going to immerse myself in one form of art or another with every “spare” moment that I have throughout each day. I am going to find my James Dean and he is going to be supportive of this lifestyle and appreciate the importance of art in my life because it will be just as important in his life. I am going to be happy and satisfied with everything that comes to me and it is only going to continue to attract more happiness and satisfaction into my life. My life is going to be fucking beautiful. That’s all there is to it.

Aside from all that, I have been considering doing the Master Cleanse or the “Lemonade Diet,” where your entire caloric intake consists of a mixture of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper mixed into water. I have to do more research on this before I actually decide to do it but it sounds like a really good idea and a great way to lose some weight. I also think it would be a great way to segue myself into a healthier lifestyle. I need to start working out again, too. I miss doing that, honestly. I stuck with it really well for a really long time and I hate the fact that I gave up on it so easily. So, I refuse to let that negative feeling in me continue. Therefore, I will stop that feeling. It will be great. Also, as strange as it may sound considering I don’t have any real prospects at this time, I feel like my James Dean is close. I feel like he is coming any day now. I just need to continue to focus on finding him and keeping myself open to him in whatever form he may take. I know the form that I hope he will take. We shall see, though. It doesn’t matter what form he comes in – just that he comes. Like I said, I have a feeling that he will be coming soon and I am very excited for it. In the meantime, I will continue to focus on that, as well as focusing on advancing myself in the various art forms I have taken on. I am very excited about my life and where it is heading right now. Now is definitely not the time for me to be giving up on anything. I’m not giving up smoking and I’m not giving up dreaming. I am not giving up on love. I am going to have it all and it is going to be fucking beautiful. Goodnight.