Chapter 277: Long Shot

"Why's everything got to be so intense with me?"

This is the question posed in one of my absolute favorite songs by one of my absolute favorite artists, "Long Shot" by Kelly Clarkson. The full line is, "My heartbeat beats me senselessly, why's everything got to be so intense with me? I'm trying to handle all this unpredictability, in all probability it's a long shot." One of the main reasons I feel such a strong affection for this song is because I can relate to this idea so much. I often find myself asking that exact question of myself - why DOES everything have to be so intense with me? Why do I put myself through the stress that I do? Is it because I am some sort of perfectionist or control freak? I do have tendencies towards both of those qualities, although I wouldn't say that either of them are very dominant qualities in me. I don't think that's it. I think the answer is something more along the lines of the simple fact that I am an artist, and artists have a much greater tendency to feel everyday emotions in much more extreme ways. I don't honestly know what the answer is. I also don't honestly believe that knowing the answer would make an ounce of difference - irritating as it can be sometimes, this is simply a part of who I am; a part that I do actually really treasure.

What brings this up right now? Just thinking about a couple different things going on in my life right now - things that I probably shouldn't be devoting so much thought to. Of course, according to "The Secret," avoiding these thoughts is doing nothing but preventing me from getting what I want. I have a very negative attitude towards the whole crush/like/love thing and it really puts out a very specific frequency to the Universe - a frequency that is not conducive to what I am looking for at this point in my life. You see, while listening to "The Secret" audiobook last night I came to a decision about something. I've gotten to a point, a very strange uncharted territory for me, where I'm not entirely clear on what I want out of life in terms of my creative work/career. For the first time in my life I am really beginning to consider, or reconsider, what I am really meant to be doing with my life. So, I can't exactly focus on putting that frequency out beyond simply focusing on trying to get some clarity on the situation. Aside from that, though, I am kind of unclear on what I really want to happen next for my life as a whole. As much as I have always been uncomfortable discussing it and such there is one thing that I am very clear about wanting in my life right now. I figure that the only way to really focus my thoughts in on this thing is to simply let go of my silly, pre-concieved notions about the whole thing. I need to just let go of everything that has made me feel uncomfortable with it and just allow myself to open up to the people that come into my life and be open to the possibilities life has to offer. This has become my main focus with "The Secret," actually. I want a boyfriend - that is what my focus is on at this point. I want some sort of companionship and love in my life, beyond the friendships and family relationships that I have. I want to fall in love with somebody who will fall in love with me, as well. I want to be a part of a couple again. I want to be like my sister and her girlfriend or my brother and his wife - I want to have that person who can continue to surprise me and excite me and make me happy over the upcoming years of my life. I don't know why I've always been so uncomfortable with this whole concept. I think it has something to do with seeing a lot of different women over the years in my life who are kind of obsessed with the idea of finding a man and thinking how DESPERATE they look. i have always said that I don't ever want to be one of those people. I hate seeing those type of people. I think the difference between those people and I, though, is the fact that I am not going to sit around and whine or cry about it - I am simply going to focus my thoughts on finding that person for me and do the best I can to remain open to it. If I maintain an open mind and an open heart and really focus and believe that this person is coming, by way of the law of attraction, it has to come. So, that is what is going to happen for me here. Perhaps it will be somebody who I have already met. Perhaps it will be one of the few people who have caught my interest recently. I know I've kind of specifically talked about one person but I am kind of easing up on the idea of that person and have come to really recognize the beauty in a few other people around me at this point. I am simply keeping myself open to the possibilities that the Universe has to present to me and I will know when the time is right - The Universe will align itself to make everything perfectly clear. I really do have complete faith in this system and am not going to allow myself to have any doubts about it.

Right now, along with writing this blog, I am in the process of putting together a "playlist of my life" at this point in time. This is something that I used to do fairly often on my old iPod but haven't really done much of since getting the 120GB iPod, because it has far more music and takes much longer to sort through. What a "playlist of my life" means is that I go through all of the music on the iPod and select all of the songs that have particular meaning in my life right now, then narrow them all down into a selection of 20-25 songs that form a cohesive playlist that acts as a kind of a musical snapshot of my life at this point in time. I like to do that every so often but this is the first time I am doing it in a very long time. It took me a matter of a few days to sort through all of the music on the iPod and I have narrowed it down to 199 songs that I feel like have particular meaning or relevance to my life right now - now I am in the process of trying to narrow it down to the 20-25 songs. There are some real gems in this collection, spanning several different decades. One of the songs that I feel is an absolute must to make the final list is "Long Shot" by Kelly Clarkson, as discussed above. Another is the song "That's The Way It Is" by Celine Dion - cheesy, I know, but I do really feel like that song is a pretty accurate description of my state of mind right now - "don't give up on your faith, love comes to those who believe it and that's the way it is." Another song that I am really feeling a connection to right now is "I Won't Apologize" by Selena Gomez & The Scene, which doesn't really apply to my search for love but definitely applies to some other situations in my life. The chorus of this song says, "I'm sorry for changing, I'm sorry it had to be this way, Believe me, it's easier just to pretend, but I won't apologize for who I am." I feel like over the past several months I have been in a very big transitional phase that is really coming to a head right now and it has created it's share of issues in my life... but I am not going to apologize for trying to be open to the evolution of who I am as a person. Nobody is going to take that away from me. I just love the way that music has the power to really reflect the things that we are going through in our day to day lives. It is one of the most effective and most important tools we have to really get a look at what we are really feeling inside. I can't even begin to list all the times that I have been so unsure of what I was feeling and managed to figure it out after hearing it in a song on the radio or whatever. It is, in my opinion, genuine magic in this world. This is just one of many reasons why I have always felt so passionate about music and wanting to create it for myself. I still feel passionate about music and don't have a doubt that I will be creating it for the rest of my life. I have just gotten to the point where I feel like it may not be the only option for me as a career and that it is possible for me to happy doing something different with my life. That whole concept that I've mentioned previously in the blog, of getting my GED and going to school for Cosmetology, is something that I could easily see myself being happy with. I could continue to write music and perform shows locally and such. I could definitely be satisfied with that sort of life. I would particularly be satisfied with that life if I were performing these local shows not in Sarasota, FL but back in Los Angeles. I just feel like I could make a really great makeup artist and it is something that I would absolutely love to do. I would be able to have fun with and feel passionate about doing. I could see that as a very fulfilling and fun career to have. It would also be a lot less of a long shot than trying to create a career in music. Of course, I have always said that no matter what type of career I wind up building for myself I will also continue to pursue music. That is definitely still the case but I have kind of gotten to a point where I feel like it wouldn't be the end of the world if music never wound up panning out for me. I don't know.

Whoopsie Daisies!

I fell asleep writing this blog last night. It is now Tuesday afternoon and I am just going to finish this up real quick. Like I was saying above, my main focus for "The Secret" right now is on finding love. I am making it a point from now on to no longer talk about love and wanting to have a boyfriend and such like it is a bad thing because that will only continue to put the frequency of not wanting it out into the Universe and, at this point in my life, I DO want it. So, that is my journey at this point. Aside from love, the other main thing I want to focus on is my good friendships and relationships, clarity on what I want to do with my life and making that happen, and learning to drive. These are the main things I need to focus on at this point and so I will do everything I can to continue to feel good feelings and think good thoughts about all of those things. I will not be derailed this time - great things are meant to happen for my life, regardless of what career path I choose, and I will be here ready and willing to accept all of it. So, I guess the answer to the initial question of this blog, "Why's everything got to be so intense with me?" is that it's got to be so intense because the more intensely I feel it and focus on it, the more the Universe will have to align to make it happen for me. So, I will continue to be intense and focused and eventually I will have everything I want. For now, though, I am going to go get my day started. Good day!