Chapter 296: The Magic’s In The Makeup

I’ve decided that this blog, the “Story Of One Year,” is the story of a boy who lives inside of his own head. Every piece of his world and every aspect of his life have been of his own creation and only truly exist inside of his own mind. The big shocking plot twist comes when this boy decides that he has a desire for something else; someone else. The boy has grown into a weary, aging man who is tired of being alone. Okay, so aging may not be the right word – he’s only 27 years old, for chrissakes – but he is feeling the effects of adulthood setting in and beginning to feel a nagging desire for stability and “settling down” and all that crap that one begins to feel as they approach 30. So, this boy/man decides that he has to find a way to live the life that he has grown accustomed to and loves outside of his own head – he needs to bring his show into the real world. How does one go about doing that? How does one assimilate themselves into the world with everybody while maintaining their individuality and remaining true to who they are on the inside? It’s a difficult question to answer. I don’t have an answer for it. So, I suppose, what I do is just keep looking. I keep moving forward and remain open to the signs that the Universe provides and trust that it will guide me in the right direction. Perhaps assimilating myself to the real world isn’t the answer at all, though. Perhaps what I should be trying to do is find somebody who fits into my world – somebody who can assimilate themselves to the world I have created in my head. No, that doesn’t seem right. That is a lot to ask of a person and doesn’t really seem like the route to a healthy relationship. So, again, I move forward, seeking out the signs that the Universe provides. It will show me the way. It always has and it always will. After all, if I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times, (and I’m sure I have said it a million times;) The Universe is working in my favor. I have complete, absolute blind faith in that.

Still, I can’t help but let my mind wander some days. I can’t help but get a little caught up in the whole concept of HOW. How can this be done? How can I find my perfect partner? How can I find my personal James Dean? How can I possibly find anyone to love when I am so caught up in my own head? How can I possibly get out of my head without sacrificing the things that I love about myself? How can I take those things that I love about myself out of my head and put them into play in the real world? “The Secret” teaches that it is not our place to ask the question of how thing can work – they can work because the Universe will make them work because, by the law of attraction, if we are putting out the frequency of what we want it simply has to come to us. Kabbalah supports this idea, as well. Both of these belief systems, which I rely upon heavily, state that not only is it not our place to question how things can happen for us but that we absolutely should not question how. In fact, they say that if you are questioning how things will happen for you what you are doing is putting out the frequency of not trusting in the Universe, (or God, in Kabbalah,) and actually preventing the things you want to happen from happening. So, blind faith is important. Like I said before, I have complete, absolute blind faith in the fact that the Universe is working in my favor. What I need, though, is to find a way to focus that blind faith into the specific thing that I am wanting at this point in time.

It doesn’t help, either, that I still feel so uncomfortable even discussing the fact that I want to meet somebody. It just seems so desperate and weak. I have lived most of my life being completely wrapped up in myself and really living the “independent” life. I have always felt completely confident in the fact that everything I could ever possibly need in this life is already in my own hands. I hold everything I could ever need inside of myself. Clearly, this is not the case, though. If it were, why would I be feeling such a strong desire lately for somebody to share in my life with? It reminds me of that Lori McKenna song, “Witness To Your Life.” The chorus of this song says, “All you really need is someone to be here, someone who’ll never let you disappear, and I will be that witness to your life. You should never have to be alone, someone will always call you home, and I will be that witness to your life.” To drive the point home even further, I am also reminded of the song, “The Story” by Brandi Carlisle, in which she says, “All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am, so many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am, but these stories don’t mean anything if you’ve got no one to tell them to, it’s true, and I was made for you.” These two songs make a very clear statement that I think doesn’t get discussed often enough – I think the real reason that we long for companionship in life is because no matter how much we do with our lives, no matter how much we manage to create, it doesn’t mean much without somebody to bear witness. I have long said that what I need is not a lover but an audience. I always believed that having an individual in my life doesn’t matter as much to me because I was destined to live my life on a stage and all of my stories would be shared with an audience. Nowadays, though, I am realizing that I need something more intimate than that. Sure, I still want to share my story with a mass audience but I need something a little closer to home.

For the first time in my life I am realizing the value of a face, as opposed to the nameless, faceless masses. Like I said, I still want to share my story with the nameless, faceless masses but they won’t ever get the FULL story. What I really need is that one person who will get every aspect of the story – that person who will know the stories without being told. I need somebody who I can show every part of myself to, not just the show that I like to put on. I am never going to stop putting on the show but I want to have that one person who sees behind the scenes – the before and after the show, all the backstage footage. I need that person who can see me before hair and makeup and love me just as much as when I am all done up and “on.” THAT is the answer to this question – I need to not be “on” at all times. I need to stop with the show every now and then and be open enough to let people see me with my hair down. I need to be more open to letting people see what I am really like underneath all of the stuff that I pile on myself to cover the blemishes and imperfections and such – not just literally, with makeup and such, but in the much larger spectrum of things. My Oprah-style A-HA moment is this: I don’t just wear makeup on the outside. I have lived my entire life taking certain measures to cover up the blemishes on my soul as much as I have taken measures to cover up the blemishes on my face. The thing is – I have done a much better job of covering the blemishes on the inside. You can still tell when I have a zit on my face but you would have much more trouble seeing the zits on my soul. So, the way that I can move from living in the world I’ve created in my head into the world that everybody else lives in is by stripping away all the things I do to cover up parts of who I am that I am not as proud of as others and just open myself up to letting people see the real me. The real me, after all, the one who lives in the world that nobody else can really see, is fucking awesome. People need to see that me. That is what will attract people into my life who can appreciate these parts of me. I never even realized it all this time but I have been hiding so much of myself. I mean, not so much in this blog and such, but in my real life, day-to-day interactions with people. I need to stop this. Maybe as a symbolic testament to this, I should go out into the world without the literal makeup one day.

Okay, that’s just crazy talk.

This has been a very therapeutic blog post for me. I love when I can write my way into an epiphany. I normally don’t do that in the blog so much as I do in songwriting but I appreciate it just as much in this form. So, I guess I missed out on that whole “talking about my day” section of the blog. I didn’t really do much today. In fact, I wound up sleeping through it. I tried to watch “A Star Is Born” for the second time, and for the second time I fell asleep in the middle. I wound up sleeping for like four hours this afternoon. I didn’t wake up until after 5pm when my Mom got home. She wanted to drive out to Venice and get Panda Express for dinner, which we do fairly often, and so I threw myself together very quickly and we went. In fact, I kind of already went out into the world without makeup today. Because I was in a rush, I just did the bare minimum “male” makeup, which was just eyeliner and mascara, and it was just fine. I was comfortable with it – much more comfortable than I expected I would be. It’s not likely that I will be repeating that anytime soon but it was okay for today. I really didn’t get out of the car or anything, except to go into my Mom’s favorite Ross store, which wasn’t a problem because Ross stores are typically full of people without makeup. That’s not nice to say. Anyway, when we got home I saw this commercial that I keep seeing lately, for Lancome Definicils Precious Cells Mascara, with Julia Roberts in it. I adore Julia Roberts and have been really interested in the makeup look she wears in these commercials. It is gorgeous and very natural, while still being dramatic enough to make a statement. It is a very simple nude lid with a strong black along the upper and lower lash lines and blended into the crease. So, I looked it up online and found some good shots to draw inspiration from and set to creating this look on my own face. I fell in love with it once I put it on my own face. It is kind of perfect because it is subtle but dramatic at the same time. Anybody who sees me regularly knows that subtlety is not something that I go for very often but I feel like I could use a little more of it in my life. So, I may try that on for size a little more often moving forward. For now, though, I need to go to bed or something. I think I may try watching “A Star Is Born” again… if nothing else, it will help me get to sleep early! Goodnight.