Chapter 287: Firework

I am at a strange crossroad in my life right now. I am 27 years old. I am at an age where I should be an adult – living independently, establishing a career, starting a “family” or at least being in a healthy, productive, long-term relationship, etc. Mainly, I shouldn’t be so confused about what I am trying to do with my life. It is funny because this is the first time in my life that I have felt any confusion at all about what I am supposed to be doing with my life. As I have discussed in this blog many times previously, I have had a very clear concept of what my life was meant to be ever since I was just a small child. It was never a question in my mind – there was never another option. All of my life I have known, more than anything else I have ever known, that I was meant to be a musician. I’m not sure what it is that has come over me recently, (perhaps the simple fact that I am getting older,) but I have been thinking a lot about what I would do if that never wound up happening for me. I think it is probably a combination of the fact that I haven’t had piano lessons for the past few weeks and the fact that my birthday just passed. Whatever it is, I have been thinking a lot about other options I could take with my life. As I have discussed in the blog a few times previously, I have been really interested in the idea of getting my GED and going to school for cosmetology, with the goal of becoming a professional makeup artist. This is a career path that I could definitely have fun with and one that I could find myself feeling very fulfilled by. Of course, there would be a lot of work involved in doing that, probably just as much work as learning piano and trying to become a professional musician. The only difference is the fact that if I really dedicated myself to trying to become a professional makeup artist, it would essentially mean that I was giving up on the dream I have been living with for my entire life. Am I really ready to do that? I don’t know.

I don’t think I am.

As I am typing this all out and really considering the idea of it I am very quickly coming to realize that this is all crazy talk. I cannot give up on my dreams. I know that they may be pipe dreams and may never come true but I also don’t have a single doubt that I would wind up spending the rest of my life looking back on this very moment in my life when I made the decision to give up and always wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t. That isn’t something that I am willing to live with – not yet. What the fuck am I thinking here? If I have learned anything from “The Secret,” both from my previous practice of it and my renewed practice now, it is that there isn’t a single thing in this life that is genuinely impossible. There is no such thing as impossibility. There IS, on the other hand, such a thing as working hard and focusing every ounce of your energy on the things that you really want out of life. There is no such thing as too much or not enough. There is an abundance of everything out there in this world and the only thing keeping any of us from getting to it all is our own minds. I CAN FUCKING DO THIS. I am a fucking firework, like that song from the new Katy Perry album. I am a firework and I am going to turn my life into the Fourth of July. No, I am going to do even better. I am going to turn my life into Disneyland, where there is a HUGE fireworks display every single night. That is the person that I am and that is the life that I am going to lead. No longer will I allow what I have inside to not match what the world that I live in each day. No longer will I allow myself a single moment of boredom or thoughtlessness. Those are all moments that I could be spending coming up with new ideas or just focusing my energy on making the thoughts that I have already had turn into reality. All of the things that I want out of life – writing music, performing, LIVING, being more active, losing weight, finding my James Dean – are all completely possible. Not only are they possible but they are completely plausible. More than that, they are already out there. They are all already in existence just waiting for ME. My life can be everything I have ever dreamed it to be. I CAN make it happen for myself. That is exactly what I intend to do here. I intend to be a fucking firework, damn it!

I AM A FUCKING FIREWORK, DAMN IT!

So, that’s it. I’ve made my decision. I am going to continue my piano lessons. I will call Viktor tomorrow and, after talking to him, I will decide whether or not I am going to continue with him. I am going to continue with my piano lessons and I am going to continue working on my voice on my own. One of my thoughts had been to quit piano lessons and focus only on voice but I DO still have the voice that I have always had and been so proud of – I just have to find it again. All that time before when I was trying to practice singing, after my “Glee” audition video and such, I didn’t find myself improving but I now realize that this was because I was spending that whole time thinking that my voice had gone to shit and I was trying to improve it. I was focusing on it not working like it used to. Fuck that. It IS still in there. What I need to focus on is singing beautifully and being as talented as I already know that I am. The Universe will sort out the rest. In the meantime, though, I think quitting smoking would be helpful, as well. So, I think I am going to do that, as well, once the carton I am in the midst of runs out. That is four packs from now, most likely on Sunday. I can do this. I did it once before and didn’t have a whole lot of problem. Actually, no, I am not going to quit smoking. My perfect partner is going to smoke, just like James Dean, and my voice can work just fine while I smoke. Pink smokes and her voice is amazing. I’m not saying that my voice will be like Pink’s but it will still work. I may quit smoking sometime later down the road if I decide to but right now I am not going to. Fuck that. I am going to build upon my talents and be fucking amazing. I am going to lose weight. My skin is going to improve even more than it already has. My financial situation is going to improve immensely and I am not going to have to worry about money or go without things I want every again. I am going to dress in designer clothes day to day. I am going to immerse myself in one form of art or another with every “spare” moment that I have throughout each day. I am going to find my James Dean and he is going to be supportive of this lifestyle and appreciate the importance of art in my life because it will be just as important in his life. I am going to be happy and satisfied with everything that comes to me and it is only going to continue to attract more happiness and satisfaction into my life. My life is going to be fucking beautiful. That’s all there is to it.

Aside from all that, I have been considering doing the Master Cleanse or the “Lemonade Diet,” where your entire caloric intake consists of a mixture of fresh lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper mixed into water. I have to do more research on this before I actually decide to do it but it sounds like a really good idea and a great way to lose some weight. I also think it would be a great way to segue myself into a healthier lifestyle. I need to start working out again, too. I miss doing that, honestly. I stuck with it really well for a really long time and I hate the fact that I gave up on it so easily. So, I refuse to let that negative feeling in me continue. Therefore, I will stop that feeling. It will be great. Also, as strange as it may sound considering I don’t have any real prospects at this time, I feel like my James Dean is close. I feel like he is coming any day now. I just need to continue to focus on finding him and keeping myself open to him in whatever form he may take. I know the form that I hope he will take. We shall see, though. It doesn’t matter what form he comes in – just that he comes. Like I said, I have a feeling that he will be coming soon and I am very excited for it. In the meantime, I will continue to focus on that, as well as focusing on advancing myself in the various art forms I have taken on. I am very excited about my life and where it is heading right now. Now is definitely not the time for me to be giving up on anything. I’m not giving up smoking and I’m not giving up dreaming. I am not giving up on love. I am going to have it all and it is going to be fucking beautiful. Goodnight.