Chapter 278: Heart (Studio Demo)

So, today was my day off and I didn’t really do a lot. In fact, almost the entire day centered around one thing: Creating a “playlist of my life.” As I discussed in last night’s blog, as I was working on it then, as well, I have frequently created playlists to act as a musical snapshot of my life at different times over the years. Unfortunately, due to my laziness and the insane expanse of my iPod, I haven’t done one in a really long time. Over the past few days, though, I have been going through all of the music on my iPod and compiling a list of a couple hundred songs that I can relate to and feel a connection with. From those couple hundred songs, I narrowed it down to about 30 that I feel are an accurate depiction of where I am at in life right now. Then, from those 30 songs, I honed in on the themes that I feel are most prevalent in my life at this point in time and organized them in a way that is cohesive and fun and interesting to listen to. So, since that is basically how I spent my day, I figured I would kind of make that the theme of today’s blog. I also thought this could be fun in case anybody may want to listen along to the songs that are describing life for me at this point. Another thing I wanted to mention before going into all of that is the fact that I did throw in a few songs that aren’t so much a description of where my life is right now but more about where I want my life to go, to correlate with my renewed practice of “The Secret.” With all of that being said, here goes the playlist of my life right now.

“Long Shot: My Life, Summer 2010”

Track #1: “Loser Dust” by Hole

“Loser Dust” is one of my favorite songs from the new Hole record, “Nobody’s Daughter,” and a song that I could immediately relate to. Essentially, it is a song about a person who used to be beautiful and glamorous and wonderful but who somehow, over time, got covered in “loser dust.” Loser dust, for those who don’t know, is a term that Courtney Love has used a LOT in interviews and appearances over the past decade or so and it basically means that something has been shrouded in negativity and “loser”-ness. I feel like I have gotten covered in loser dust over the past several months. As a matter of fact, I feel like I have gotten covered in loser dust over the past couple of years. I included this song as the opening for the playlist because it is where I have been before, not where I am going. It is also a really great lead in to track #2.

Track #2: “Move Forward” by Vedera

Vedera is not a very well known band at this point but their album, “Stages,” is one of my very favorite musical discoveries of 2010 so far. Probably my favorite song on this record is this one, “Move Forward.” It is a song that I can absolutely relate to at this point in my life and, I would imagine, one that I will probably always be able to relate to. One line in the first verse of the song really sums it all up perfectly: “Throw away all your thoughts if they aren’t moving you forward.” I try my best to live my life by that simple statement. I try to make it my mantra and, in particular, where I am at right now with trying to rebuild my faith in “The Secret,” it seems particularly pressing. Plus, like I said, this song perfectly describes the sentiment that will be the thing to move me away from all of the “Loser Dust.”

Track #3: “Symphonies” by Dan Black

Dan Black is a brilliant artist who I discovered watching Logo’s “New Now Next” Awards, where he performed this song. Ever since that performance, “Symphonies” has become one of my very favorite songs and biggest anthems in life. Aside from the brilliant sonic landscape of the song, (including a brilliantly placed sample of the drum loop from Rihanna’s “Umbrella,”) the lyrics to this song are incredibly moving and relatable to my life right now. The chorus says, “Score adds up, angels play, let my loneliness get blown away, Give me, give me symphonies, give me more than the life I see.” THAT is exactly where I am at in life right now – I am waiting/longing/dying for a few symphonies of my own.

Track #4: “Better Than Today” by Kylie Minogue

Oh, Kylie. This song is from her most recent album, “Aphrodite,” and wasn’t exactly a standout to me when I first heard the album but the more I hear this song, the more I love it. It is essentially a song about trying to make sure that tomorrow is better than today. The chorus of this song poses two of the greatest questions I can come up with at this point: “What’s the point of living if you don’t take a chance?” and “What’s the point of living if you don’t want to dance?” Basically, this is a song about doing everything you can to make sure that your life is interesting, exciting, fun and an adventure. This is a sentiment that I am REALLY trying to find a way to take to heart much more.

Track #5: “Who Owns My Heart” by Miley Cyrus

This song is a surprise to me, in terms of it’s inclusion on this playlist. You see, this song is pretty dorky. I never paid it all that much attention because of it’s dorkiness but I just happened to be listening to it the other day and realized that, HOLY SHIT, this makes sense. I can relate to this. This is kind of asking the eternal question of my life, as a matter of fact! It’s going about it in a really dumb way, but it is doing it. The eternal question of my life, sadly, can be broken down as simple as this Miley Cyrus lyric: “Who owns my heart? Is it love or is it art?” As I have recently decided to completely open myself up to the quest for love that I am on, and have recently begun to question the direction I want to take with my creative work in life, this question has become one of the most prevalent factors in my life at this point in time. The answer? The jury is still out, I suppose.

Track #6: “Strut” by Adam Lambert

“Strut” marks a bit of a transitional period in this playlist – the next few songs take us from one general theme of the songs on this playlist to a different one. You see, the first set of songs are kind of the more downbeat, “I need to make a change in my life,” type songs, and the songs from this point forward are kind of more focused on the things that I am trying to focus on more at this point in my life – like that Christina Aguilera interlude, “Love and Glamour.” As far as this song goes, it kind of perfectly encompasses those two things. There is a line in this song that I use as a mantra fairly often, which says, “Everybody’s looking for some love but they don’t know how to let it all hang out and that’s why they’re solo.” I use that line as a reminder to myself that if I want to get the things that I really want out of life, I need to really let all of the best of me show and, like the song says, “Strut.”

Track #7: “Glam” by Christina Aguilera

This song is one of the biggest anthems in my life – it is a pretty simple song that runs through my head OFTEN in the morning when I am getting myself ready for the day. It is basically a song about getting all dressed up and feeling gorgeous and glamorous and “unleashing the diva deep inside.” It’s basically one of those getting ready songs, whether you are getting ready to start your day or to go out for the evening or whatever else you are doing. It is also a great song to put on when you want to feel sexy and fun and “glam.” That feeling is a VERY big part of my life nowadays, so this song was kind of a perfect fit for this playlist.

Track #8: “Put Your Makeup On” by Simon Curtis

“Put Your Makeup On” is one of my favorite songs of all-time. It is another song kind of in the vein of Christina’s “Glam,” all about feeling fun and sexy and glamorous and such. This song runs a little deeper than that, though, as it also serves as a commentary on people’s views of pop music. People often look at pop music as something to be ashamed of enjoying, with terms like “guilty pleasure” and such, and views it as “kid stuff.” This song is a brilliant anthem for anybody who sees through that bad reputation pop music has gotten placed on it and just wants to unabashedly dance and have a good time with music. That is another very big part of my life nowadays.

Track #9: “I Won’t Apologize” by Selena Gomez & The Scene

This is a great song. Selena Gomez & The Scene was a bit of a hard pill for me to swallow at first but as time has gone on I have really grown to love their debut album, “Kiss & Tell.” It is a great album that really doesn’t come across as Disney at all. One of my favorite songs on that album, and one that really resonates with me right now, is “I Won’t Apologize.” It is basically a song about going through a transitional stage in life and addressing the people who sometimes get left behind in those types of processes. The chorus says, “I’m sorry for changing, I’m sorry it had to be this way, Believe me, it’s easier just to pretend but I won’t apologize for who I am.” Yeah, I definitely relate to that right now. I could direct those lyrics to a good number of the people in my life at this point in time… but like the song says, I refuse to apologize for evolving as a person.

Track #10: “Gone With The Wind” by Vanessa Hudgens

This song really felt like the most appropriate follow up to “I Won’t Apologize” that I could come up with for a couple of reasons. First of all, they are both very mature songs from Disney starlets. Secondly, this song is another song addressing your evolution as a person and how it can create issues with people who are not open to the changes that you are going through. The chorus of this song sums it up best by saying, “The little girl you knew, the one who never stood up to, who kept her silence too long, well she’s gone with the wind.” That is exactly how I feel these days. I am just in a place where I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut when the people around me are assholes. So, I am kind of using this song as a reminder not to put up with it any longer. That is definitely something I need to be reminded of at this point in my life.

Track #11: “8Bit Heart” by Simon Curtis

“Is it so so wrong to love? Is it so so wrong to love? Is it so so wrong to love and to be loved in return?” That is the chorus of this song and really sums up what the song is about. This song also kind of marks the start of a selection of songs that are really focused on my new “Secret” focus, finding someone to love and to love me in return.

Track #12: “Wonderful” by Chantal Kreviazuk

This has been a long-time favorite song of mine, by my very favorite songwriter in this world, Chantal Kreviazuk. Chantal has said in interviews that she wrote this song about this friend of hers who is just one of the most wonderful people you could possibly meet who, for one reason or another, just can’t seem to find love. That feels very much like where I am at in life right now – not to sound conceited or anything but I AM pretty goddamned wonderful and it just doesn’t make sense to me that love hasn’t come to me at this point. At the same time, though, it makes perfect sense because I know that, by the law of attraction, the Universe brings you exactly what you put out into it with your thoughts and it has been a very long time since I have put out genuinely positive thoughts about love or relationships or any of that, so of course the Universe hasn’t brought me anything good when it comes to that type of thing. This song kind of serves as a reminder to me that it will come as soon as I really believe that I am wonderful and can be wonderful for somebody else, (which I hate to admit I don’t always believe.)

Track #13: “Pocket Philosopher” by Mandy Moore

This is a gorgeous, upbeat, ridiculously happy song describing having a beautiful dream-like day brought on by being in love. This song really reminds me of the big dance sequence in “(500) Days Of Summer.” It is just one of those songs about having that ridiculous, over the top feeling of being in love and everything in the world suddenly looking much more beautiful and fun and amazing to you. I absolutely love it! This song is definitely not where I am at right now but it is one of those songs more focused on where I intend to be going – “The Secret” says that you need to focus on and really feel the feelings of what you want in order to get it, and for me listening to this song really puts me into that place and helps me feel the feelings that the song describes, so it seemed like an absolute must to be included on this playlist. You’ll notice there are a few more songs like this moving forward.

Track #14: “Piano Song” by Meiko

This song is absolutely brilliant and I recommend anybody and everybody check out this song and any other songs by Meiko – she is absolutely brilliant. The chorus of this song says, “I try so hard not to notice, I try so hard not to care, I try so hard know that you’re not here, but I’m counting down the hours and I’m counting up the days, I try so hard not to show this side of me.” These lyrics ring so true for me it isn’t even funny. The song, as a whole, is really describing missing that feeling of being a part of couple. Some of the lyrics could be construed as talking about somebody who you have been with but are not anymore but, in my opinion, it is actually talking about somebody who you haven’t actually met yet. It is a song about desiring to be a part of a couple. I especially love the fact that she actually says, “I try so hard not to show this side of me,” because I have ALWAYS tried really hard not to show that side of me, as evidenced by a lot of my weirdness in the blog here recently. Like I have discussed before, though, I am really trying my best to let go of that part of myself that is ashamed of these feelings.

Track #15: “Pick U Up” by Adam Lambert

For the second Adam Lambert song included on this playlist, we have probably my favorite song from his album, (perhaps tied with “If I Had You,”) called “Pick U Up.” “Pick U Up” is another song about searching for that perfect person to love and to love you in return. Adam describes this same concept in such a unique and interesting way, though, that it really bears including another song on the same subject because it really describes a very different aspect of the whole thing. I love Adam for that – he does that on a lot of his songs.

Track #16: “Long Shot” by Kelly Clarkson

This song’s inclusion here doesn’t require too much explanation if you read last night’s blog. One thing that bears mentioning is the fact that this song, while performed by one of my all-time favorite artists, Kelly Clarkson, was actually written by one of my very favorite newer artists, Katy Perry. “Long Shot,” for anybody who didn’t read last night’s blog, is basically a song about diving into a situation, or relationship or entanglement of some sort, even though it seems like the odds of it working out are very slim. The chorus says, “The chance is we won’t make it but I know if I don’t take it there’s no chance.” This is an idea that I am trying really hard to remain open to and remind myself of right now in my life.

Track #17: “Heart (Studio Demo)” by The Pretty Reckless

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, here in the blog or on Facebook or anything, but I am completely OBSESSED with Taylor Momsen’s band, The Pretty Reckless. They don’t actually have an album out yet, (although it does come out on August 31, 2010, which I am extremely excited about,) but they have released an EP and several studio demos have leaked from the band. My favorite of these leaked demos would have to be this song, “Heart.” It is an incredible ballad, (the only ballad to be seen, thus far,) and absolutely applies to where I am at in life right now. The chorus of the song says, “I’m falling all over myself, dying to be someone else, I wish you would dare to walk me home, I don’t want to fight the world alone.” Now, aside from the obvious implications of wanting somebody to be with, I really find myself relating to some of the darker implications of this song, like wanting somebody to “fight the world” with, because in a LOT of ways I feel like that is what I have to do on a daily basis. I often feel like I walk this world as an outsider – something different from everything else that is held within the confines of this world, and often times it is definitely a struggle between the me and the them. I think what I am looking for in somebody else, more than anything else, is somebody who can be a part of my strange, isolated version of the world; somebody who can fight alongside me. That was really more open than I had intended to be in this post. So, there’s that.

Track #18: “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry

I have to say right off the bat that these last two tracks on this playlist are not really a reflection of my life at is it right now – these two are really reflections of my goal right now. This song is definitely a reflection of what I am hoping to find out there right now – “Teenage Dream” is really, in large part, the definition of what I am looking for out of a relationship right now. It is a song describing a relationship that makes you feel like you are “living a teenage dream.” It is about that kind of love that makes you feel really youthful, full of hope and faith that everything will work out for the best, regardless of whether or not that is realistic – that type of love that feels like your first love all over. In a lot of ways, what I am really looking for right now is my first love. I mean, not exactly. I have been in my share of relationships and I have had my fair share of feelings for people and such but I can’t really say with confidence that I have ever TRULY been in love. What I really can’t say with confidence is that I have ever actually believed that I was being loved in return. I kind of feel like you can’t ACTUALLY be in love with somebody without that factor being there. I mean, I could be wrong and I definitely think that the feelings I had in the past were all valid but I think that whatever it is that I wind up finding now will be a completely different world from those; it will be something I am experiencing for the first time. Like a “teenage dream.”

Track #19: “Skin Tight” by Scissor Sisters

This is another song that describes my goal more than anything else. This song is about the constant yearning to feel closer and closer to the person you are with. This is definitely something that I can relate to and a feeling that I am looking for in a relationship. I don’t want to have one of those relationships that is kind of topsy-turvy and undefined, without the strings attached and such. That is not something that is of interest to me at all at this point. I don’t really see the point in wasting my time with something that I don’t feel entirely wrapped up in, or with somebody who doesn’t feel entirely wrapped up in me. Whether or not it lasts me the rest of my life is irrelevant – it isn’t about the end goal, it is about the connection that is made. I don’t see the point in wasting my time with somebody who I don’t feel connected to in a very complete way. So, whoever it is that I wind up with is going to have to be willing to be “skin tight” for me, and I will return the favor tenfold.

So, there you have it: the playlist of my life right now. I think it’s one of the best ones I’ve ever done, if I do say so myself. I am really excited about it. I think I may skip listening to “The Secret” audiobook while I go to bed tonight and listen to this instead. Eh, maybe not. “The Secret” is necessary. I feel like it is really doing me a lot of good lately and I don’t want to mess that up by not sticking with it again. Things can only improve from here and I am extremely excited about it all. In the meantime, I am slowly, but surely, teaching myself to play the song “Teenage Dream,” included on this playlist, on the piano. I am having a lot of fun with it and really enjoying it a lot. I still don’t feel entirely confident about what I am going to do about piano lessons once this month is up. A big part of me really feels like quitting lessons altogether would be a good answer because I do, in a lot of ways, feel like I am at a point where I could probably move forward learning on my own. At the same time, though, I don’t really want to be a quitter when there could actually be a lot more that I could learn. I don’t know. Fortunately, I’ve still got quite a bit of time to figure it out. In the meantime, it is nearly 11pm and I should probably get to bed. It’s back to work tomorrow, after all. Goodnight.