Chapter 68: What If I Stay?

Okay, so I am getting to a late start again tonight. Hopefully this will not wind up going the same way as last night’s blog. I had some really big, interesting ideas that I really wanted to discuss in last night’s blog, but they were all but forgotten by the time it ended. It was ridiculous. That’s almost worse than the night that the blog was lost and I just wound up posting like two paragraphs about how much it sucked that the blog was lost. There was also at least one interesting event that took place yesterday, which tied into the big ideas I wanted to discuss, that I never wound up getting to. I think it may have been because I was using my Mom’s laptop and lying down in my bed writing it. It’s just crazy… I can’t remember ever feeling as exhausted as I did last night. I wound up sleeping well, though, so that’s always a good thing.

Anyway, I figure I should start tonight’s blog off talking about the things I didn’t get to in last night’s blog. First of all, the thing that kind of inspired the whole concept was the Heidi Montag album, “Superficial.” As I mentioned in last night’s blog, the title is extremely appropriate. The album is full of tracks that talk about how great it is to be rich and famous and sexy. In fact, the chorus of the title track says it in a very direct way, “They say I’m superficial, some call me a bitch, they’re just mad cause I’m sexy, famous and rich.” It doesn’t get much more direct than that. Now, I have to say right up front that when the whole concept of Heidi Montag as a musician first came up, I absolutely loved it. In fact, the group of 10 or so songs that leaked at the time became some of the most frequently played on my iPod at the time. I was never disillusioned enough to actually try to claim that it was great music, or that she was some brilliant artist, but they were fun, catchy, pop songs and I have always been a sucker for that sort of thing, (although, I’d be remiss not to mention that the song “Fashion,” which was written and eventually released by Lady Gaga, is an absolutely brilliant song and I actually prefer the Heidi version to the Gaga one any day of the week.) So, with all those songs that leaked and that I loved, I was very excited and anxious for an actual album from her. It took a very long time, but today that album was finally released, (it leaked yesterday.) I have to admit that I was pretty underwhelmed by it. I also have to admit, though, that this is not because it isn’t a decent album, or at least an album that delivers exactly what is expected. The issue seems to be that in the time that it took for the album to actually get released, I have changed. If this were a year and a half ago, I would have heard the above mentioned lyrics to “Superficial” and really related to them and made that song my personal anthem. Now it just falls kind of flat to me. Now I can see it for what it actually is; exactly what it labels itself as, “Superficial.” For some reason, though, that simply doesn’t appeal to me the way that it did before. I will say, though, that taking the album for exactly what it is, it is actually pretty good. It is considerably better than I expected, actually… it’s just not really saying anything. Before I explore that concept further, let me just mention a few tracks that I am pretty impressed by. First of all, the song I mentioned in last night’s blog, (and named last night’s blog after,) “Black Out.” “Black Out” is one of the more recent leaked songs from Heidi, and one of my favorite songs she has ever recorded. It kind of reminds me of something that could have been on Paris Hilton’s album, (which I will not back down on calling a highly underrated pop gem.) It has that same “dance with a guitar” vibe that the best tracks on Paris’ album had, a sound that I absolutely love. The lyrics are pretty simple, as all the lyrics on Heidi’s album are, about just wanting to get away from the rest of the world and enjoy some time with the person you love. Another track that is actually really great is “My Parade,” which is just reiterating a classic concept, best done by Barbara Streisand in “Funny Girl,” in the classic song “Don’t Rain On My Parade.” Still, Heidi’s “My Parade,” while not being comparable by any means, is a solid dance/pop song. Other favorites are “Look How I’m Doing,” “Twisted,” “Hey Boy,” and “Love It Or Leave It.” The only problem with this album is that there isn’t a single track that is saying anything that hasn’t already been said in a much more interesting way. Still, on the surface or on a superficial level, it is a pretty good album. It really came as a surprise to me that I didn’t really love this album. I couldn’t figure out why I wouldn’t be as into these songs as I was all of those songs that leaked before. This collection of songs are not just the same as all of those old songs, but are actually considerably better in most cases. Still, none of them really grabbed me and I know that pretty much all of them would have been “my jam” a year and a half ago. It was pretty odd.

A little later that evening, part of the reason why I started last night’s blog so late and wound up getting so loopy, I got a call from my best friend, Don. We were on the phone for a good 90 minutes or so, just shooting the shit and catching each other up on what is going on in our lives. As I had expected, Don was very excited by the whole idea of me moving back to California, and it was a really great feeling having my best friend on board with the idea. As the conversation wore on, though, I found myself confronted with some of the fears I have had about moving back to California. I have talked more than a few times in this blog about my concerns about the fact that Don and I lead such different lives nowadays. Well, in talking for 90 minutes a lot of those differences became pretty evident. It was really odd to talk to Don about life, about pop culture and the stuff that Don and I both love talking about. We both still enjoy talking at length about music and celebrities and things of that nature, but it seems our views on these things have gotten to a point where they are completely different. One thing that worries me a lot is the fact that talking to Don for so long last night, in some ways, was a similar feeling to listening to the Heidi Montag album. It’s fun and enjoyable, and has it’s fair share of great tracks, but as a whole I just don’t vibe on it like I know I would have at a different point in my life. Unlike the Heidi Montag album, though, I know this is something I have to actually confront head on. This is my best friend in the entire world and the one person who has stuck by my side through absolutely everything. In fact, comparing him to the Heidi Montag album is straight up wrong. He is NOT like the Heidi album at all. Sure, he may be kind of superficial, but he also has a million amazing qualities about him. He is still completely appealing to me. The thing that I don’t find as appealing isn’t him, but his lifestyle. I don’t have to take part in his lifestyle to take part in him and his life, though. This does make it sound kind of like his lifestyle is some crazy, drug-fueled mess, and that is not the case at all. Let me be clear about that. Don just is a club person nowadays. He works in a bar, he spends his off time hanging out in bars, drinking, dancing and living a generally wild and crazy life. That is awesome, and is perfectly suited to him. That is not very well suited to me, though. Like I told him on the phone, though, I also kind of feel like I do need to get out more. I need to spend more time outside of the house. I need to go out and have a few drinks, dance and have some wild and crazy times myself. It seems like it’s been so long. I think living back in California will actually work out really well for that. Don can come up to LA or I can go down to Palm Springs and have just that type of crazy night, but I don’t have to do it all the time. I could probably figure out a good balance between the way of life I enjoy now, spending time at home and enjoying my own company as well as going out and being a part of the crowd. I have nothing to be afraid of, as far as that goes. Don and I still have the connection we always had. We just live different lives. All of my friends live very different lives than I do. I don’t know why I have been so concerned about this.

All of the stuff mentioned above got me thinking about a lot of different things. The biggest thing it made me think about, though… I don’t even want to admit it, honestly. I have always said, though, that this blog is about being completely honest with myself and with anybody who ends up reading it. What this really made me think about the most is one question that has been on my mind more than I care to admit lately: What if I stay? What would happen if I just changed my mind and decided to stay here in Florida? The main reason behind the decision to move to California is to pursue my career in music. I can do that from here. I have always known that I could do that from here. I don’t know what it is that has stopped me from doing it all this time, or if it would continue to stop me if I stayed here. I don’t think it would, though. One thing about this whole experience (the “visions” that I had, the signs that I saw, all of it,) is that it has opened a floodgate in my mind. All of these things, all of the dreams I have had, are out there now and can never be put away. I have seen the road that I meant to take. I have, at least, seen the destination. I know what my life is meant to be… but will the end result be changed if the road there is? Even talking about this right now feels like a huge cop out. It feels like I am letting my fear control me. Now that I have started looking at it in a more concrete way, it is really freaking me out. There are so many factors that could cause the whole concept to crumble. There are just as many factors that could cause the whole concept to lift up and take flight, and reach heights I have only imagined. Kabbalah teaches that the path of most resistance is always the way to the Light. While it seems that the obvious path for that would be the one that leads me back to California, at the same time I can’t imagine my life changing at all if I just stay here. Which of those is scarier, or more uncomfortable? Which of those is more difficult? Which of those is the way to the Light? Clearly there are chances for Light along both of these paths, but could these two paths ever possibly lead to the same place? Music is the meaning in my life. Music is what I was placed here on earth to do. Music is absolutely every part of who I am and what I want my life to be. Moving to California is a big, scary, uncomfortable concept and there are so many ways it could all go up in smoke, but at the end of the day I do believe that it will lead me to the life that I have dreamt of since I was a child. Think of it that way, doesn’t that almost make it seem like the easier way? Staying here, I have absolutely no idea what my life would become. Managing to find inspiration and turn my life into what I want here could possibly be an even more difficult, scary, uncomfortable concept. I don’t know. I never imagined that this whole thing would ever possibly become a gray area, but gray is all I can seem to see right now. At this point, though, I am still completely dedicated to moving to California, no matter how much it may scare me. It just seems so much like staying here would be taking the easy way out… and like going would be taking the easy way out, as well. They are both equally easy and equally difficult at the same time. I’m not sure which one is right. I don’t know what I am supposed to do.

Once again, I really feel completely alone in this world right now. My connections to the people around me, both literally and figuratively, feel like they are hanging on by strings. My friends here are all moving on with their lives, doing wonderful things for themselves. It feels like they are moving on and doing these wonderful things without me… and why shouldn’t they? After all, I am planning on moving on and doing wonderful things without them… but they’ll all still be there with me. I’m sure I’m still there with them, as well. It just gets difficult to see sometimes. Like I said, I just feel completely alone right now. I know that I am not alone. I know that people care about me. I know that people love me. I know that people are thinking of me. I also know that all these feelings of being left out or not thought of are because of my own actions. I don’t reach out to people, so why should I expect them to reach out to me? I don’t make the effort, so why should I expect them to make the effort for me? I live in a world that is pretty much completely inside of my own head. I let other people come visit, but nobody has ever been allowed a permanent stay. Not even Don, in some ways. He has always been there, but I always wind up stepping away from him. Like that Carrie Underwood song says, “I’ve always been a quitter.” It is absolutely true. I have never stuck around with people; not friends, not family, not anybody. In some ways, it seems like staying here would be a way of confronting all of those things that I have always struggled with, like forming long-lasting, strong relationships with people. It almost seems like these two different paths lead to two very different places. Going to California would be all about shaking up my entire life and taking a giant risk to try to make my dreams come true, while staying here would be about trying to correct the things that have always been wrong with my life. Those things, most likely, wouldn’t be a major focus in California… but would making my dreams come true be a major focus amongst those other things here? Is it possible to have both? I have always believed that it wasn’t, and I have always felt I was clear on which I would choose if it came down to one or the other; Music or people has always seemed like a no-brainer to me. At the same time, though, can the music ever really mean anything without making a genuine connection with people? It’s not to say that the connections I have with people now are not genuine, they just aren’t as full as they could be. I am forever holding something back. I don’t allow myself to let people see me fully, and I don’t allow myself to fully grow attached to anybody. Still, the people in my life right now, my family and my friends here, seem worth making the effort to try to let them all the way in and allow myself to really become attached. I just can’t believe that I am even sitting here considering this. Like I said before, music is every part of my life and who I am as a person. Before I am Jason Davis/Jason Michalchek, before I am a man, before I am a homosexual, before I am some kind of freak, before I am a human being, I am a songwriter. It is the very core of my being. There is not a single person, place, thing or idea in this world that means more to me than that. If I were to stay, why would that change? Why wouldn’t I be able to just make sure that I stay focused on that? Why wouldn’t I be able to forge real connections with the people around me while still focusing on my dreams of making music? I feel so fucking lost right now. I don’t know what to do. I have absolutely no idea which direction I am supposed to go in anymore. I am so fucking scared of making the wrong decision with my life. No matter what decision I may make on this, or anything else for that matter, I refuse to allow myself to wind up in a life where I do not achieve my goals of making music, and making a difference in people’s lives. I just feel so fucking lost on what I should do at this point.

I feel way too flippant and careless saying this, but I suppose we’ll see what happens. It is after 1am right now, though, and I absolutely must be getting to bed. I suppose the answers will become clear to me somewhere along the way. I’ve still got 5 months before anything is supposed to take place… I’ll just have to think long and hard about it all and look for any signs the Universe has for me. No matter what happens, though, I know that the Universe is still working in my favor and I can absolutely trust that it will show me the right direction to take. For now, though, bed is the only place I need to go.