Chapter 86: Sweet Dreams (Remix)

You know what I haven’t done in a really long time? Had sex! I was thinking about that just now and decided it would be a good way to open tonight’s blog. I’ve always thought that sex wasn’t all that important; it is nothing more than a base need that we have the ability to fulfill for ourselves. I am a firm believer that all of the basic needs we have to make it through life, both physical and emotional, are things that we have the ability to fulfill for ourselves and we are only conditioned by society to believe that we need other people for these things. I watched this movie this evening, called “Post Grad” starring Alexis Bledel, that kind of got me thinking about that whole concept, though. This movie is about a girl who has a very clear idea of what she wants her life to be after graduating college, but then it is all turned upside down when the job that she has been banking on getting her entire life winds up going to somebody else. Not to spoil the movie for anybody, but she spends most of the movie feeling really lost and confused and winds up getting the life that she wanted only to discover that it wasn’t really what she wanted at all because she lost the person she loved in the process. There’s a point in the movie where somebody tells her that half of making your life great is about going out and getting the things that we really want, but the other half, and the more important half, is about the people in our lives who we share it all with. Interesting concept. I do have some really great people in my life, and people who I really appreciate, but in some ways I feel like I am so focused on what I want for my life that I lose sight of that and am slowly losing my connection to these people. The other part of that is that I am so focused on getting the things I want out of life that I am not very open to new people… people who I could be having sex with. Okay, so the sex isn’t really the important part of that who idea, but I think I just have it on the brain today because I have been listening to Nicki Minaj all day, (more on that later,) and her music is very sexual. Whatever it is, it has certainly been running through my mind all day. I have, erm, satisfied that need but I don’t think that was really the answer. It’s not about the physical act of, erm, getting off as much as it is about making a connection. I have said many times lately that this is what is missing from my life. I don’t mean that kind of physical connection, per se, but just a connection at all. I stated that the reason I am staying here in Florida is to work on just that problem but since making that decision I have wound up not focusing on that at all, and focusing on achieving my goals in life instead. It’s difficult for me and I am not entirely sure why. In some ways I feel like all of the people in my life are always putting me off or just don’t care all that much to try to make a connection with me. I’m sure that’s not the case but if it is, I know it is my fault. People have gotten comfortable with and used to me being at arms-length and I can’t imagine why they would see the need to keep trying with me. I don’t try that much when I feel like somebody is keeping me at arms-length, so why should they? The issue here is that I always feel like EVERYBODY is keeping me at arms-length so I feel discouraged from making an effort. It’s all just one big vicious circle. I don’t know how to stop it, but I will continue trying to figure it out.

Today was my Mom’s birthday, but we didn’t really do anything for it. At least, I didn’t. She was out with her boyfriend for most of the day enjoying her time with him. I was perfectly fine with that and glad for her to have a good birthday with him, considering I didn’t really have the cash to do anything special for her. Well, I didn’t before today, anyway. I woke up this morning at 10:30am and didn’t bother trying to go back to sleep. I was still pretty tired, considering I had gone to bed around 3am last night, but I figured it was probably best to just get up and try to keep my sleep pattern fairly regular for next week. I checked my phone and found an email from Sprint on there, but it had an attachment so I wasn’t able to read it on my phone. I got up and checked it on the computer and found that, big surprise, it was another shut-off notice telling me that I had 6 days to pay before service would be shut off. I decided right then and there that instead of paying my dental bill I really should pay off my phone bill and get it current, then pay the current bill when I get paid again and get myself out from under this whole mess of getting a shut off notice every month. I am so sick of that. If there is anything I don’t need in my life, it is stress over the possibility of getting my phone shut off. Not even 10 minutes after waking up and finding this, I got a call from my Mom telling me that my income tax had been deposited last night. I explained what had happened just beforehand to her and how I wanted to pay that instead of paying my dentist, and she told me to go ahead and do it with her debit card info, which was already stored on the Sprint website. My income tax was $612, and that cell phone bill was $241.31, bringing me down to $370.69. It was well worth it for the security of knowing my phone is going to remain on. Plus, I noticed that after paying this amount my current bill is a fair bit less than they have been lately. Those plan changes I made recently have paid off and, once it is actually caught up, should make paying the bill each month considerably easier. Of course, the knowledge that my income tax had come had my head spinning with ideas. The first of those ideas, of course, was getting my Sony Bloggie ordered. I spent a long time looking at the website and reviews for the camera and such before doing anything. I also looked at shipping costs and found that for only an extra $17, I could get 2 business day shipping, which would have it arriving on 2/2 or 2/3, aka, in time for the Owl City concert. When my Mom came home later, I told her about that whole idea and she was like, “Really? That’s stupid. Save that money to go towards something else and just be patient!” As much as it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, she was right. The camera is now ordered, though, and is estimated to arrive between February 4-6th, so Thursday, Friday or Saturday of next week. This could work out well, too, because my friends April and Devin had talked about trying to get together next weekend so I could probably get some fun footage during that. I don’t know what exactly I am going to do, but I’ve got a ton of ideas for this project and am really excited to get started on it. I am really excited that the camera is now officially ordered and I have an actual idea of when it will be in my hands, although it is only estimated. The Sony Bloggie, plus shipping, was $175.57, which leaves $195.12. The plan is still for $100 of that to go towards my first two weeks of music lessons, which will leave $95.12. I need cigarettes, so something like $50 of that will go for that, which will leave me with something like $45 leftover for my own amusement. I am thinking I will use that for a trip to my favorite store in the world, Burlington Coat Factory, for a little bit of new clothes shopping. I know that I don’t really NEED new clothes, but I have been so desperate for them lately. I feel like I probably deserve a little treat in the form of a few new designer t-shirts or something at extremely affordable prices. I haven’t been to Burlington Coat Factory in so long and I have missed it terribly. Of course, I also did a little browsing on both the Calvin Klein and DKNY websites, and could just buy directly from the designer again and have that wonderful feeling of opening up the big box covered in those beautiful logos and have that magical feeling I got when I got my bag in the mail all over again. I swear to God, fashion is absolutely an addiction. Actually, in just talking about this right now I went back to the Calvin Klein and DKNY websites and managed to narrow it down to 4 DKNY shirts I can get for just a smidge over that remaining amount. The only thing on the Calvin Klein site that I felt really “OMG I can’t live without that!” about was a purple Merino wool sweater, but we are kind of on our way out of the time of year where a sweater is necessary, so I figure I will wait it out. It is already on sale, I may be able to wait it out until it is on clearance and the price is brought down even lower. This is the thing with my shopping addiction, though: I am able to manage it very well. I have held off on indulging it really well for quite a while, and now that I am thinking about partaking a little bit I am managing to get 4 designer shirts, direct from the designer and without concern of “imperfections” or anything, for under $50. Of course, I’ve also experienced how crackheads are able to justify partaking in their addictions by saying things like, “Oh, but it’s only a little bit of crack and I didn’t pay that much for it!” Oh well, though. I should really give that money to some sort of charity for Haiti. I really should.

Aside from watching that movie, being horny and spending money, I also acquired some really great music today. Yesterday my friend Devin and I got into a little link-trading on Facebook of indie artists doing covers of popular songs and he introduced me to a really awesome artist I hadn’t been aware of before called Danielle Ate The Sandwich. She has this really great album called “Things People Do” that I downloaded today. This album is very offbeat in the fact that the main instrument on the record is the ukelele. Danielle has a really gorgeous, offbeat voice, though, and manages to crank out some really catchy, interesting songs on her ukelele. I introduced him to a band whose Youtube videos I have been enjoying for quite some time now, called Pomplamoose. I discovered them when I found their cover of the song “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” by Beyonce. Their cover was so much better than the original song and took it to a completely different place and really kind of showcased the beauty in the songwriting of that song, (not the lyrics, of course, but the arrangement and instrumentation is pretty brilliant.) When I watched their video for that song I was completely fascinated by it. They do this really interesting thing with all of their music that they call “Video Songs.” A Video Song is essentially a video of them playing the song where every single sound that is played in the song is somehow visually represented in the video. It is really interesting and inventive the way that they do this, and I immediately had to check out more of their videos. They are pretty brilliant and do a lot of really fun cover songs, but their original music is just as good if not better. After talking about them a bit with Devin, I found myself feeling the need to listen to their album and downloaded a zip file of all of their cover songs, as well. They give really offbeat, fresh new takes on songs like “Mister Sandman,” “Mrs. Robinson,” “Nature Boy,” “Favorite Things” and “September” by Earth, Wind & Fire. They are brilliant and I definitely recommend checking them out. I also came upon a new mixtape by an artist that has become a favorite of mine recently, rapper/singer Nicki Minaj. She seems to be all over the place lately and a few weeks or a month ago I decided to give her a shot and downloaded her last mixtape “Beam Me Up, Scotty,” which I was really impressed with. That mixtape was really hard-hitting but didn’t have a lot of really catchy stuff on it, aside from a few of my favorite tracks like her take on “Best I Ever Had” by Drake and a song called “Shopaholic” featuring Gucci Mane and Bobby Valentino. In any sense, I was definitely impressed with that mixtape. If I was impressed with that one, I was completely blown away by this new one. As soon as I saw the cover and the title of it, “Barbie World,” I knew this one was going to be right up my alley. “Barbie World” is much more poppy, upbeat and fun than “Beam Me Up, Scotty.” I have listened to it all the way through 5 or 6 times since I downloaded it this afternoon. The intro to this mixtape is, of course, a portion of the song “Barbie Girl” by Aqua, which is kind of a gay classic. That immediately leads into a gorgeous track called “Your Love” which samples and repeats the intro to “No More I Love Yous” by Annie Lennox. After that is a song called “Girlfriend,” which has the catchiest hook of the entire mixtape, I think. Other favorites on this mixtape include her brilliant addition to one of my favorite songs from Mariah Carey’s “Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel,” called “Up Out My Face,” her addition to the Lil’ Wayne track “Knockout,” (which, by the way, has also got me really curious about checking out Lil’ Wayne, because this song is amazing,) “Fuck You Silly” which features Cassie, “Get Your Money Up” with Keri Hilson and Keyshia Cole, “Sex In Crazy Places” with Gucci Mane, “Bedrock” by her group Young Money, and my absolute favorite, her remix of “Sweet Dreams” by Beyonce. I had kind of come to absolutely hate that song after my sitting by the radio to win Adam Lambert tickets, because it was playing constantly, but her version has really revitalized the song for me. Her rapping over the instrumental for that song really reminded me how gorgeous the instrumentation for that song really is. The piano riff throughout the verses is beautiful. In fact, that song really reminds me of something that I would like to do with my own music – a heavy beat over a gorgeous piano riff. Interesting. I really don’t give Beyonce the credit she deserves, honestly. She is actually an extremely talented artist. I just hate the fact that so many of her songs are not actually songs that she has written, yet she somehow winds up with top writing credits on them. It just seems wrong to take away the work of another artist and then accept all the accolades and praise for your songwriting abilities. That pisses me off. I also don’t think she is as deserving of the praise and accolades she receives as everybody makes her out to be. I will be completely pissed if she somehow manages to win Album of the Year tomorrow night. “The Fame” has to get that. Gaga is a genuine artist and put an immense amount of work into creating and marketing that record. It is absolutely the Album of the Year. I won’t be as pissed if Taylor Swift gets it, but I really think “The Fame” is the most deserving for that particular award.

Anyway, it is now 2:20am, and I am hoping to get to bed a little earlier than last night so I can hopefully wake up at a decent time tomorrow. What’s on the agenda for tomorrow? Nothing, aside from doing laundry and watching the Grammys. That is all. That is plenty for me, though. I have been nothing if not relaxed today. I may try to watch the third of my downloaded movies for the weekend tomorrow, “Up In The Air” but we’ll see how that goes. Now it is time to get to bed, though.

Chapter 85: Solo

So, the weekend is finally here. One thing I forgot to mention in discussing my plans for this weekend was that, duh, Sunday happens to be the biggest night of the year for music! Yes, folks, the 52nd Annual Grammy Awards are about to be here! I absolutely love Grammy night, and am kind of sad that I don’t have friends here who really care about music enough to make for a really good Grammy party. Still, I will sit at home and watch the show on my own, and have just as good a time as I would if I were throwing a party. The Grammy’s are a magical evening celebrating the very best of the music industry, but for an aspiring musician like myself, the Grammy’s are so much more than that. They are the wildest dream you could possibly have. They are the goal you never really believe you will be able to reach. It is always so inspiring watching the biggest and brightest stars music has to offer being accepted into the music elite. I am particularly excited for this year’s show because music has been particularly brilliant, and particularly unique, this past year and it should make for a really interesting mix of awards being given. I figured that since the awards are being given the day after tomorrow, I would take a little time right off the bat to make my official predictions in the major categories for this year. First of all, there is the Record of the Year, which goes to both the artist and the producer. Nominees for this year are: “Halo” by Beyonce, produced by Ryan Tedder, “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas, produced by David Guetta, “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon, produced by Jacquire King, “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga, produced by RedOne and “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift, produced by Nathan Chapman and Taylor Swift. Who would be my personal pick to win? I think that is fairly obvious, despite the fact that I love all of these songs. Lady Gaga, “Poker Face.” What do I think will actually win? Either “I Gotta Feeling” or “Use Somebody,” but I am kind of leaning towards “I Gotta Feeling.” The Grammy Academy has a tendency to lean towards the biggest and most widespread hits in this category, and while all of these songs were big, “I Gotta Feeling” spanned from top 40, to hip-hop to even adult contemporary charts. Second, there is Song of the Year, which is a songwriting award, (and the Grammy I would most like to win someday, should I ever actually get to the point of being nominated for a Grammy.) This years nominees are: “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga, written by Lady Gaga and RedOne, “Pretty Wings” by Maxwell, written by Hod David and Musze, “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” by Beyonce, written by Thaddis Harrell, Beyonce Knowles, Terius Nash and Christopher “Tricky” Stewart, “Use Somebody” by Kings of Leon, written by Kings of Leon and “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift, written by Liz Rose and Taylor Swift. My personal pick would, again, be “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga, but I am guessing that the winner of this will be “Single Ladies” by Beyonce, and I can’t really begrudge her that. It isn’t a song that I am particularly into, but it can’t be denied that this song is pretty hardcore and has managed to reach much farther than I ever would have imagined. Then there is the category of Best New Artist. This category caused a bit of a controversy this year due to one person who was not nominated: Lady Gaga. She is undeniably the biggest, and arguably the best, new act of 2009. Unfortunately, her debut album, “The Fame” was released at the very tail end of the 2008 cut-off time and she was nominated last year for Best Dance Recording for “Just Dance.” If it weren’t for this technicality, I think it would have almost been unfair to nominate anybody else. The actually nominees for this year are: Zac Brown Band, Keri Hilson, MGMT, Silversun Pickups and The Ting Tings. My personal pick would DEFINITELY be MGMT, whose album “Oracular Spectacular” was a favorite of mine from the past year. I also think that they have a pretty fair shot at getting the award. If it doesn’t go to them, I would assume it would wind up going to Zac Brown Band, who I am not overly familiar but who I know have been receiving an insane amount of critical praise and took the Breakthrough Act award at the American Music Awards. Lastly, and the biggest of the four major categories, is Album of the Year. This year is an extremely stiff competition for this category. The nominees are: “I Am… Sasha Fierce” by Beyonce, “The E.N.D.” by the Black Eyed Peas, “The Fame” by Lady Gaga, “Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King” by Dave Matthews Band and “Fearless” by Taylor Swift. Just through process of elimination I can pretty confidently say that this award is really between two records: Taylor Swift and Lady Gaga. These are two of my most frequently played albums and are both extremely worthy of this award, in their own ways. “Fearless” was the biggest selling album of the year and Taylor Swift became the most downloaded artist in history. “The Fame” has sold 8 million copies and Lady Gaga has become the biggest sensation the world has seen in a long time. My personal pick in terms of artistry alone would have to be “The Fame.” Do I think it can win over Taylor Swift, though? I am not 100%. I really think that it will take this one, but I won’t be overly shocked if it goes to Taylor Swift. The Grammy Academy has a tendency to surprise you from time to time, though, and could very well wind up giving the award to Dave Matthews, but they also love to award Album of the Year to a bright young ingénue, who also happens to be a media darling, and both Taylor and Gaga would fall into that category. Lady Gaga’s nomination in this category really reminds me of 1998, when Lauryn Hill got the pretty unexpected nomination, and wound up winning. Hopefully Gaga will have the same fate. Critics, as well as fans and other artists, all seem to be behind Gaga. My only fear is that she may be considered too outlandish and controversial to be given this, the biggest of the awards they hand out. I really believe she will get it. I am also extremely excited for Gaga’s performance that night. She is opening the show and will be performing a duet that is supposed to be pretty mind-blowing. She has only confirmed that it will not be Beyonce, who she duets with on her newest single, “Telephone.” Rumor across the internet says it will be Elton John. The only way I can really picture that is if they perform “Speechless,” which kind of seems like it wouldn’t make for an epic, Gaga-style performance to open the show. Of course, knowing Gaga, she would find a way to make it completely insane, brilliant and epic. My hope? Madonna. I know it won’t be her but, my God, how amazing would that be? I suppose we’ll see. It is Lady Gaga, after all, and she is nothing if not full of surprises.

So, to step back into the world outside of music, today was a pretty good day. I didn’t wake up until after 8:30am, which was okay because we hadn’t planned on working out this morning, anyway. I still ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and spent the morning dicking around online and taking a nice, long shower, as opposed to the quick ones I normally take. I didn’t have to start until 10am, and since my Mom’s boyfriend was here he drove me to work then instead of having to be ready and gone by 9:30am only to wait around the building for 30 minutes. Work was pretty boring today, unfortunately. There wasn’t a lot going on and we were missing a few of our noisiest people and my friend/team lead was in a terrible mood, so it was pretty quiet. I spent most of the day feeling really tired. For lunch, I had a chocolate chip muffin that I got from my sister and my daily meal replacement bar and was pretty satisfied until after work. This evening one of my friends/co-workers picked me up and we went out to dinner at Lee Roy Selmons. I had only ever been there once before, almost a year ago to the day, with that same co-worker before I had actually started working with her, and a couple of other people who I would wind up working with and becoming good friends with. While we were waiting to be seated, which was a good 45-60 minute wait, we kind of talked about that and how much things have changed in such a short period of time. I mean, a year is a considerable amount of time but in the grand scheme of things it really isn’t long at all. It just seems like the workplace, back when I first started shortly after that first dinner we all had there, was a very different place. It seemed more fun at that time. I had a whole little group of people I was friends with there and we spent a lot of our workdays just having a good time. I kind of miss that period. It seems like, more often than not, I barely speak to my co-workers and certainly not about anything substantial. It seems like, over time, all of my favorite people that I worked with started dropping like flies. There are still a few people at work that I like, but just barely a few. It’s a shame. At the same time, though, I feel like my workplace is kind of exactly what I need it to be right now. It seems like a very large portion of my time that is spent in a creative headspace is the time I spend at work. I like that a lot because it kind of feels like, in a lot of ways, I’ve started to look forward to going to work because I know that I will get some brilliant ideas or draw something interesting or something. Honestly, I find a lot of solace in the workplace, and that solace tends to be where I can really get creative. So, it’s really a good thing. Still, that doesn’t stop me from also kind of missing the time when I kind of looked forward to going to work because I enjoyed spending time with the people I worked with.

At dinner, my friend and I were kind of discussing the concept of being lonely. I really hate it. I hate the fact that I feel it. I’ve always felt like I was “above” the whole concept of love and longing for companionship and such, but it always finds a way to creep back up on me when I least expect it. It’s just strange because I know, in my head, that it simply isn’t logical for me right now. I am pretty messed up, for one, and I am also really focused on things that really mean so much more to me than any kind of romantic ideal of love ever could. There is also the fact that I have no real, viable prospects at this point. I pretty much spend all of my time at home or at work. It has become increasingly rare that I go anywhere aside from those two places. Sadly, my workplace is no place to be looking for viable dating prospects. It is pretty much a dry county. There is one guy who I kind of have developed a thing for, but he is REALLY not a plausible option to me. It wouldn’t make much sense, and we don’t really speak to one another often enough to ever get to a starting point in the first place. Plus, he just isn’t someone who would be a good idea for me. He is probably more messed up than I am. Sadly, that is the only person in the workplace who I even really have an interest in. There is this other guy that I spotted, who works in the evenings after I have left, who is adorable. I have never spoken to him and know absolutely nothing about him, but when I saw him for the first time I was immediately attracted and, for my work, that is really a rarity. Again, though, I really know absolutely nothing about this guy beyond his name and that he’s hot, and there is really very little chance for me to bump into him in any way because we work really different schedules and his shift starts a while after mine ends and I have left the building. I only actually spotted him by chance. I really shouldn’t even be thinking about this in the first place. I have much more important things to focus on before I will be ready to take as big a step as even considering getting involved with anybody. It just seems like I am surrounded by couples lately and, in spite of myself, I can’t help but see people being happy in their relationships and feel a desire for a little bit of that in my own life. Whatever. It was nice spending a little time with this friend outside of work, though, and getting to talk on a more personal level.

When I came home from dinner, my Mom and her boyfriend were here preparing their dinner. I was full and opted to just come into my bedroom and watch the first of the movies I downloaded. “New York, I Love You” is a collection of short films pieced together to make one full-length film. They are all from different directors with varying degrees of experience, all featuring New York City not only as a backdrop, but really as it’s own character in each story. This film was absolutely brilliant. It tells so many different types of stories of people that you could easily see in every day life, not only in New York. One of my favorite segments was the one directed by Brett Ratner and starring Anton Yelchin and Olivia Thirlby, with a very brief appearance by Blake Lively. This was kind of the comic relief amidst some of the more serious stories. Anton Yelchin played a quirky kid who was dumped by his girlfriend the night before his senior prom. He went into a convenience store where the owner set him up with his beautiful daughter, played by Olivia Thirlby, as a prom date. When he arrived to pick her up he was shocked, and disappointed, to find that she was in a wheelchair. Being a nice kid, he went ahead and took her to prom, anyway, and she wound up having a really great time. While walking her home through Central Park she asked him what she could do to make his night as good as he had made hers, and he said he was hoping to lose his virginity that night. In an absolutely hilarious set up, she hoists herself up with a belt over a tree branch and has him remove her panties and they have sex there in the middle of the park. They wake up the next morning and frantically gather up their clothes and rush to get her home before her father can notice she was out all night. When they arrive her father is outside and, fortunately, not upset with the situation at all. Then his daughter does something completely unexpected: She stands up out of her wheelchair and rushes off into the house. Method actress is the punchline. It’s pretty hilarious to see this played out on screen. Natalie Portman also directed one of the segments of the film that is basically following a young father around on a day in the park with his 5-6 year old daughter. It is a very sweet scene and very impressive for her directorial debut, as far as I know. Natalie Portman also starred in the segment directed by Mira Nair, which featured her as an orthodox jew on the eve of her wedding making some sort of diamond deal with a muslim man and the two discussing their strict cultures and the sacrifices they have had to make for them. This scene was extremely moving. Another favorite portion of mine was the piece directed by Shekhar Kapur, featuring Shia LeBeouf and Julie Christie. Julie Christie is an aging opera singer visiting her favorite hotel in New York with the intention of committing suicide and Shia LeBeouf is a bellhop in the hotel who takes a shine to her. This scene is pretty heartbreaking and extremely hopeful in the same breath and Shia LeBeouf’s performance is greater than I ever thought he was capable of. Another performance that I was incredibly impressed with was Ethan Hawke’s, as a random writer who appears in different parts throughout the film. Ethan Hawke was a sexy guy in his younger days, but since he has aged has really come to look and act like a complete crackhead. His performance in this film really took all of that away, though, and he came across as that same sexy, interesting young guy from “Reality Bites.” The best segment in the film, in my opinion, was definitely the one directed by Allen Hughes, starring Bradley Cooper and Drea De Matteo. This is a very simple scene inside the heads of a younger man and an older woman who had recently hooked up traveling to meet each other again to clear things up. They are both pretty dead set on making sure that it is clear to the other one that the whole experience didn’t really mean anything, all the while both admitting that it really did. I loved this segment so much because it really kind of captured the process of falling in love, even when you are trying really hard not to. These are just a few of the shorts included in this film, and the entire thing is truly amazing. I highly recommend anybody who may read this see this film. It is absolutely worth it. I have never actually been to New York City, but this film really captures everything I have ever imagined it to be. It is not the glossy, “Sex & The City” version of New York, but not the run-down, dangerous, frightening “In the Heights” version of New York, either. It’s that middle of the road that I have always imagined every day life in New York City must be. Like I said, definitely check it out – it is amazing.

I also got a response to my email to Eliezer Rivera this evening. I was getting a little worried because I sent the email to him last night and he had been very quick about responding to all of the others, responding that same night in most cases. I was a little surprised when I woke up this morning and didn’t have a response already. I kept checking back all day long and was really beginning to get concerned when I checked my email after midnight and still hadn’t received anything. Fortunately, when my phone checked my email for me last, around 2am, it included a response. I am so excited to get started on music lessons. As I have said before, I just have a really good feeling about this whole thing. I have a really good feeling about my life right now. I know that it is going to wind up greater than I have been able to imagine at this point, and what’s even better is that I know that it is all starting right here and right now. I am moving forward and I cannot wait to see where the Universe will lead me. If that includes some sort of boyfriend along the way I’ll be okay with that, but I will be just as okay if it doesn’t. The Universe will provide me with everything that I could possibly need to get to where I am meant to go. Life is great, even if it gets lonely every now and then. It will all be worth it in the end.

Chapter 84: Jump Then Fall

So, today was pretty boring, honestly. I woke up and worked out to a selection of songs from the Adam Lambert album, “For Your Entertainment,” ate cereal, (Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Clusters – delicious!) and got ready for work. Work was pretty boring, as well. The day was mainly spent drawing some random stuff. Since I finished the “Fame Monster” series, as well as the basis for the t-shirt designs, I am really just kind of experimenting with different angles and such. I’ve done two small, unimpressive drawings that I really like the concept of. The first was a chubby ballerina sitting in a ballet studio while all the skinny ballerinas are dancing happily. Then I did a separate drawing of a chubby girl dancing in a club amongst all the skinny girls in whore clothes. For some reason, there has been a lot of discussion of weight in the workplace recently, and I have kind of had my focus on weight issues, anyway, with the working out and such. It only makes sense that it would be reflected in my drawings. Then today I drew a man in a tank top and shorts running. That was pretty interesting because I have never really taken to drawing men the way I have with women. I kind of liked it, though. This drawing was also a reflection of my current workout-focused mind frame, though. It’s interesting how much I don’t think that I am really thinking about it THAT much, to then find it coming out in all of my recent drawings and such. I am really dedicated to the whole workout and dietary routine. I have been enjoying it much more than I ever expected to. Like I have talked about before, last year I was doing a pretty regular workout routine with a good friend of mine and I enjoyed it at the time, but I feel like my mind was too muddled at that time to REALLY enjoy it. This time is different, though. It is going really well. I think my Mom makes an excellent workout partner, as well. We have fun with it, like we have fun with most things that we do together. I am really happy with the way this year is going so far.

Speaking of the way this year is going so far, one thing of major interest that I did today was email Eliezer Rivera to inquire about his schedule for the week of 2/8-2/14. I think that week will be the perfect time to get started on this magical journey of learning. It isn’t too close, so I will be sure to have gotten my income tax by then and will have gotten another paycheck, just in case. It’s also not too far away, so I don’t have time to over-analyze or get too anxious about it and drive myself crazy. I’m extremely excited to get started. I just have such a strong, positive feeling about this whole thing. I have never taken any sort of professional music lessons, so I am really unclear on what exactly is going to take place in these lessons. The one thing I do know is what the outcome will be, and that is being able to play the piano and write my own songs on it. After that point, the sky is the limit! If everything goes well and Eliezer and I mesh well, it could possibly wind up leading to him producing a record for me. That is my big hope in this. The lessons, of course, are the biggest step I need to take to get there. I certainly don’t want to do a record that I haven’t written myself. That is very important to me, and these lessons are what will get me to a place where I can write music to go with my lyrics. Just the thought of it all is an insane thrill to me. I don’t even know how to explain it. No matter what other artistic goals I may develop in my life, this is the one that has always and will always mean the most to me. This is what I am really meant for in life. This is my destiny and I am finally taking the steps towards making it happen. I have picked up my chisel and am starting to chip away at the stone that is surrounding me and keeping me from being what I already am inside. I know I keep using that analogy from the Jewel blog, but that is only because it is so true. As soon as I read that blog I knew exactly what she was staying and I knew that I was in that place where it is do or die. Either chip away at the stone or sit down and allow myself to become nothing more than stone. Anybody who knows me could tell you: I am no stone.

The eating routine worked out really well again today… at least, it did until I got home. As I mentioned before, I had a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Pecan Clusters for breakfast and didn’t feel hungry until just before my lunch break. I wound up having an hour lunch today to get rid of some overtime, which worked out well because I was able to spend the first 15 minutes of that hour with my Mom. I ate my meal replacement bar, but my Mom happened to have a sandwich in her lunch that she didn’t want all of, so I also had half a ham sandwich. These two things were just the right amount to keep me satisfied until I came home. When I got home my Mom’s boyfriend was here, coming to stay for the weekend to be with her on her birthday. I knew he was coming today. I didn’t know that he would be preparing a feast. He had timed it out so that it would be ready when my Mom got home, so I ate one of those little cups of lime jello with pineapples in it to hold me over. A couple hours later, my Mom came home and we ate dinner. It was huge! It was also delicious. I went back for seconds, but I didn’t eat so much that I wound up feeling sick and I feel perfectly fine now. Seriously, though, it was a very large meal. He made pork chops, chicken in this delicious cheese sauce, broccoli, baked potatoes and angel hair pasta. It was an amazing dinner, and like I said, I ate a lot but it wasn’t enough to make me feel sick or anything. I even sat out in the living room and ate dinner with them, which I don’t normally do when her boyfriend is here. I guess I’m slowly getting more comfortable with the whole idea of him in our house. Don’t get me wrong, he definitely isn’t allowed to move in or anything, but I am okay to be out around the house when he is here. I mean, I’ll probably still spend the bulk of my time in my room while he’s here this weekend, but I’m feeling much more comfortable also spending time outside of my bedroom.

I am actually kind of excited to spend the weekend hanging out in my bedroom. It’ll be a good time to catch up on rest, plus I downloaded a couple of things to keep my interest over the weekend. First of all, I downloaded this movie that I have been kind of dying to see called “New York, I Love You.” This is from the makers of “Paris, Je’Taime,” which was absolutely brilliant. It is basically a collection of short films about different relationships of New Yorkers, all from different directors, put together into one full-length film. The cast is absolutely insane, too. It has a group of some of the most talented actors out there, as well as being directed by a whole list of some of the most innovative, interesting directors in the business. This all-star cast includes people like Bradley Cooper, Natalie Portman, Rachel Bilson, Hayden Christensen, Shia LeBeouf, Orlando Bloom, Ethan Hawke, Anton Yelchin, John Hurt, Christina Ricci, Robin Wright Penn, Andy Garcia, Eli Wallach, Cloris Leachman, and countless others, including two personal favorites of mine Drea De Matteo and Blake Lively. I love the concept of the film and I love so much of the cast, and I loved “Paris Je’Taime” so much, I have really high expectations for this movie. I am really excited to actually watch it this weekend. I also downloaded another film that I have been really curious about/intrigued by, called “Up In The Air.” This film stars George Clooney and one of my favorite up-and-coming actresses, Anna Kendrick. I first discovered Anna Kendrick in one of my all-time favorite films, “Camp.” She was one of the best parts of that movie and completely stole a couple of scenes, one of which she literally stole. After “Camp” she didn’t really do much for a while until suddenly she popped up in the film versions of “Twilight,” and “New Moon.” Her role in these films was miniscule, but she also managed to completely usurp the scenes that she was in. Then, somehow, she managed to get herself a starring role opposite George Clooney and now has Oscar buzz. I love instances like this where I have followed somebody since their early career and am able to watch them blow up. I also really love the concept of “Up In The Air,” which is the story of a man who is required to travel all over the country for his job and is trying to reach the goal of having traveled ten million miles by plane, at which point you get unlimited frequent flyer miles, but is suddenly asked to leave the position for one in a centrally located office. Basically, it is the story of one quirky man trying to cope with being forced to settle down. I am very drawn to that whole concept. I’m pretty excited to watch that movie, as well. I was also thinking about downloading the movie “Post Grad” starring Alexis Bledel. I never particularly thought of myself as a fan of hers, and never really followed “Gilmore Girls,” but I have really loved pretty much every movie I have seen her in, and always find her very charming and endearing, so I guess I am a fan on some level. This movie looks really cute, too. It is about a girl who is forced to move back in with her parents after finishing college and having the job of her dreams stolen away by a high school rival. The main draw to this movie, again, is Alexis Bledel. I’ve liked everything else she’s done, so I can’t imagine I won’t like this one just as much. I’m sure I’ll wind up doing a movie blog sometime this weekend.

Movies on my computer are pretty much the only plans I have for this weekend. I had initially made tentative plans with my friends Nate and Whitney, but they are kind of blowing me off. I am perfectly fine with that, honestly. I am really more into the idea of hanging out in my bedroom and watching movies this weekend, and working on the stuff I am planning to submit to the t-shirt company. I am really hoping to be able to submit them by Monday, but we’ll see how that goes. Another cool thing that should be happening Monday is receiving my income tax refund. Then I can go ahead and order my camera, pay my dentist and make payment for my music lessons. I can also use a little of the cash that is going towards my phone bill on the Owl City concert and just replace it on Friday when I get paid. Honestly, since I am not going out this weekend, aside from tomorrow night’s dinner with my friend/co-worker, I will probably still have enough cash for the Owl City concert without dipping into my income tax. I am really excited to order my camera, though. Aside from working on the short film/long-form music video, I am kind of thinking of trying to experiment a bit with photography. Since I started doing this whole drawing thing, and how I am a much more visual person than I ever thought I was, I have been thinking about photography. It is something I also never really though I was any good at, but I thought I wasn’t good at drawing and I am slowly figuring out that I was wrong about that. I have always had an interest in photography and have been very inspired by photography as art, particularly the works of David LaChappelle. I love how photographers can find beauty in so many different places, and that is something that I would definitely like to work on trying to do, as well. Fortunately, the Sony Bloggie doesn’t only take awesome HD video, it also serves as a 5 megapixel still camera. I only wish I would be able to get it before the Owl City concert. I feel like that would be the perfect first thing to film bits of for the short film/long-form music video. It’s okay, though, I know that I will wind up getting all the footage I need to make something really beautiful. Plus, it may be better not to include any sort of concert footage. I want it to capture more of the everyday random stuff that goes on in my life, and with the people I love. At the same time, though, some footage of Whitney and I at a concert would be pretty cool to capture and include, too. I wonder if my local Best Buy would have the cameras available to pick up instead of ordering online. I may have to look into that. We’ll see, though. Either way, like I said, I know that I will end up getting all the footage I need to make something really beautiful. I am pretty excited to get started on that, as well.

I really feel like the future is laying itself out for me, and all I have to do is try my best to be fearless and just jump in. I have said it a million times before and I will say it a million times more, the Universe is working in my favor and it will lead me to exactly where I need to go to make all of my dreams come true. It is already in the process, and I just have to follow where it leads and be ready at any moment to jump, even if those jumps lead into a fall. Any fall I take will only lead me to an even greater victory. I am so excited for everything that is yet to come! Life is unfolding before me and I am confident that it is going to be great. How can I be so confident? Well, it’s pretty easy – I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure that it is great! Come along for the ride?

Chapter 83: American Life

Today… well, we’ll get to today later. First, I am feeling the need to speak on something. I have been talking a lot about inspiration in this blog and various people, places and things that have been inspiring me recently. One thing I haven’t really talked about much here in the blog is politics. I try not to let politics become a focus in my life, in general, but I do have some very strong views on it and feel the need to discuss some of those tonight. The main reason for this is because there is one inspiration that I haven’t discussed. If you want to see real, true inspiration in human form you can look no further than President Barack Obama. This evening was his first ever State Of The Union address, and I have to say it was pretty awe-inspiring. Before going into detail about that, though, there is something that I have wanted to address lately but never got around to. A pet peeve that I have developed recently is people saying, “Barack Obama has been our president for a year and he hasn’t done anything at all.” I have heard this quite a bit recently and I find it extremely frustrating. I certainly understand why people may think that, but it just seems like such a misguided, uninformed statement to make. What Barack Obama has done is basically rescue this country from the rapid decline it was on. When he stepped into office, things were bad. Worse than bad, they seemed pretty hopeless. Barack Obama inspired the entire nation to have faith that things could improve. That, in itself, is enough. However, I understand that people want to see real, tangible changes. Unfortunately, what people don’t seem to realize is that before he could move forward with making such changes he first had to take a giant load of preventative measures to try to stabilize the economy of this country, WHICH HE HAS DONE. He has also, as promised, put a plan in place to pull the troops from Iraq. Unfortunately, what people don’t seem to realize about this is that, for one, you can’t just pull out of the country and leave them alone to cope with the damage we have done there, and that pulling the troops from Iraq never equated to this war being over and that was never what was promised. It honestly took me a long time to understand this, as well, but there is still a real threat to us out there, in the form of Al-Qaeda, and we still need to fight to protect ourselves. We just don’t need to fight in Iraq any longer. The threats at this point are not in Iraq, they are in Afghanistan. One argument that I have heard, and haven’t necessarily had an arguing point for, is his lack of work for the gay community. Fortunately, that was addressed this evening when he stated proudly that this year he would be working with Congress to repeal the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Sure, there is more that can be done, but this is an excellent start. I am not ashamed to admit, I actually cried a little when he made that statement. The State Of The Union address was very emotional for me, in a lot of ways. I have always had faith in Obama, and stood behind him as the leader of this country, but tonight he really reminded me of exactly why. Aside from being the President of the United States, he is also vehemently a citizen of the United States, and really seems to understand the world from the perspective of your everyday, struggling Americans. That is the greatest thing about him. He understands the plight of the people, and seems to be genuinely trying to do everything he can to work in our favor. He has some really great plans for straightening up Washington, as well as for creating a rise in jobs and our economic status as a country. Before he could create real and tangible changes, though, he had to stop the downward spiral we were on, as a nation, and get us in at least a stable position. He has done that, and I just really wish people would have a little faith and not jump to conclusions before educating themselves on what is really happening in the world. Like I said, if you are looking for real, honest inspiration you really need to look no further.

Today was a good day. I enjoyed it, for the most part. I woke up at 7:45am and started the workout a little late, (around 8:05am, instead of 8am.) The soundtrack to today’s workout was Gwen Stefani’s first solo record, “Love Angel Music Baby.” This was really a great selection as my Mom and I are both very big Gwen Stefani fans and this record is completely upbeat, fresh and fun. It really made the workout experience much better. Even the album’s only real ballad, “Cool,” is upbeat enough to not need to skip it. I almost skipped working out this morning because I woke up later than planned and just didn’t feel very motivated. I am very glad that I did do it, though, because it was really invigorating and got the day off to a great start. After cereal, coffee and cigarettes, I got dressed and ready for work. We had a client, or a prospective client, visiting today and so we were all advised to dress nicer than we usually would and stay within the limits of dress code. My clothes have never really been a concern at work; At least, not since I started back there a year ago. When I worked there back in 2004, they were probably the biggest concern management had with me. My concern with today was makeup. Nobody said anything to me about not wearing makeup or anything, and if they had I would have gladly refrained from wearing it today. However, since nobody did ask me not to I went ahead and wore it. However, I figured I shouldn’t do anything too over the top. I took this as an excuse to use my brown eyeliner for the first time. I paired this brown eyeliner with a pale pink glitter shadow that really kind of blended with my skin and just gave the look of a little sparkle around the eyes. It wasn’t natural looking by any means, but it was understated and you couldn’t really tell that I was wearing makeup unless you looked closely. I really liked the look of it and will probably explore that look further in the future.

Work was kind of slow today, which worked out well considering our systems went down for a little while. I didn’t even wind up taking a call during the down time, actually. The majority of the calls I did take today seemed to be from a lot of angry, troubled customers. I got yelled at a lot today. Fortunately, I am very good at accepting customers on the phone yelling at me. I don’t allow them to get to me very often, which doesn’t seem to be the case for a lot of my co-workers. There was a lot of conversation amongst my co-workers today, since we were not allowed to read or draw or anything due to the clients visiting. Sadly, when there is too much conversation between my co-workers, there tends to be issues between my co-workers. One co-worker, in particular, has his two-week notice in and has decided to use his last few days there trying to create conflicts with the rest of the team. It’s a shame because, on some levels, I like this guy. He is generally very nice to me and we can carry on an, at least, halfway decent conversation. Still, he has this tendency to want to create drama with the rest of our co-workers and I think it is just completely ridiculous. There is no need for that type of conflict in the workplace, particularly when people decide to just attack one another as this guy has taken to doing. It is just stupid, pointless and completely unnecessary. Still, I don’t have any control over the choices that others make. All I have to do is not get overly involved, which I happen to be really good at. That really is a trait that has a positive side just as much as a negative. I guess it’s just something we all have to deal with… although, not for very much longer.

When I took my first break at 11:40am, it just so happened that my Mom was coming out for break at the same time and I decided to join her in her daily brisk walk around the parking lot at work. There are a lot of people at work, particularly older women, who will spend their breaks doing a lap or two around the parking lot. It’s a very large parking lot and if you keep up a fairly brisk pace, it can be a pretty good addition to a regular workout routine. My Mom has been doing this for a while, so it was nice for her to have some company this time. It was also nice for me to get a little additional exercise during the day. While we were walking the parking lot, some guy came driving through in a convertible blaring Adam Lambert’s “For Your Entertainment.” My Mom and I were both into it. He drove back around and pulled into a spot near where we were walking and was blaring “If I Had You,” also from the Adam Lambert album. We just kind of kept on walking past, but I did take a peek to see who it was that was riding around the parking lot of the place that shall not be named blaring Adam Lambert. It was this guy who I have noticed around the building quite a few times. In fact, the reason I kept noticing him around the building isn’t because he is good looking, although he kind of is in a strange way, but because for the first little while that he was working there I was trying to figure out whether or not he was a female-to-male transsexual. I don’t know how to explain exactly why I thought that, except that he has very feminine features and seems kind of awkward in his own skin. He also dresses like a drag king from the 80s. Don’t ask me why, but I find that kind of attractive. I don’t necessarily know that I find it attractive so much as I find it intriguing and slightly endearing. Plus, he listens to Adam Lambert… like that is a selling point. Hell, like I am looking to buy.

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I had a Curves bar for lunch, and it kept me satisfied until I got home. When I got home I did something kind of silly. Instead of eating fruit or yogurt like I have been lately, I ate a small bowl of leftover spaghetti. It wasn’t too much, but it wasn’t as small as fruit or yogurt would have been. Oh well, though. A big part of my rules for my dietary changes are to not set rules for myself about counting calories or trying to only eat healthy foods. It isn’t about restricting myself from eating things that I feel like eating, it is about eating things in smaller portions and incorporating healthier foods in with the foods I would normally eat. I watched last night’s “Chelsea Lately” and this morning’s “The View,” both of which were fun, but nothing overly interesting. Then I watched tonight’s “American Idol,” which was also not overly interesting, although they did have Joe Jonas as a guest judge tonight. As I discussed a few posts ago, I have always been a fan of the Jonas Brothers in a weird way. Ever since the first time I saw them, opening for the Veronicas, Joe has always been my favorite. With Nick Jonas’ recent foray into work as a solo artist, it has raised concerns amongst Jonas Brothers fans as to the fate of the brothers as a band. It seems to make the most sense that they are going to go in their own separate directions, and it was announced yesterday on “On Air With Ryan Seacrest” that Joe is now working on solo work himself, as well as pursuing a career in acting. I actually said in the post where I discussed Nick’s album how I had hoped for Joe to move into acting, so apparently I got it right. I think that will work out well for him, and I think it will work out well for me to see him on the big screen, being all sexy and adorable. I am allowed to say that at this point, by the way, because he is of legal age. Just wanted to make that clear.

While watching “American Idol,” I prepared dinner so it would be ready and waiting when my Mom came home. She was really thrilled to see that, and very appreciative after working a 12 hour day. I have been really trying to do more around the house, like making dinner and washing dishes and such, because I know that she stresses out about these things and it only seems fair for me to do more to carry my own weight around here. Plus, it is really cool that she is always so happy and relieved when I do these things for her. It is a win/win situation for everyone involved, really, and it makes me feel good to be doing more to earn my keep around the house aside from just paying half the rent and bills. It makes it feel a lot more like an even partnership than me living at home with my Mom. That is how it should be at this point, because I am a little old to just sit around and depend on my Mom to cook and clean around here. I don’t want to wind up like that Frank “The Entertainer” guy from “I Love New York,” being in my 30s and still having my Mom doing my laundry and cooking all my meals and such. Like Jewel talked about in that blog of hers the other day, I am already an independent, self-sufficient, fully-functional adult, I just need to chip away the stuff that is blocking me from seeing it for myself. I am doing my best, though. That is the most important part.

It is now 12:51am, though, and I need to get to sleep. We are trying to start the workout earlier tomorrow, which means I need to get to sleep soon in order to be up and alert for when we do start it. So, it is off to slumberland for me.

Chapter 82: Welcome

Today was a day. It wasn’t the greatest day of my life. It wasn’t the worst day of my life. It was just a day. It started off the way I have decided to start all of my days at this point: Wake up, morning routine, coffee & cigarettes, workout, cereal, shower, get dressed, makeup, off to work. It’s a good routine for me. I like it a lot. I feel like I am starting off my days with a sense of purpose. This morning I was ready to skip the workout, but I pushed myself to do it. We put on Madonna’s “Confessions On A Dance Floor” and got to it. It was a good workout. It was a bit of a struggle still today, but less of a struggle than yesterday. It just sucks because I already know that we have to skip a day for the next two weeks. This week, on Friday, my Mom’s boyfriend will be here and she won’t want to do it. Next week I have to go to work at 8am on Wednesday because I am getting off at 3:30pm then I am off to the Owl City & Lights concert! I could always work out after work, but I most likely won’t. I’ll probably end up getting a workout at the concert, anyway, with all the dancing and such. I used to not be a person who danced at concerts, but over the years I have become much more of one. I enjoy it. There aren’t many feelings like just getting caught up in live music, letting go and just dancing. I am very excited for this concert. I have been listening to Owl City a LOT lately. Adam Young, the sole member of Owl City, is such a huge inspiration to me. I have been feeling a lot of inspiration lately, to be honest, from a lot of different places. I am inspired by my Mom with her dedication to her quest to lose weight. I am inspired by my friends with their drive to figure out what to do with their life. I am inspired by people who go on TV every day and change people’s minds about things, like Oprah, Whoopi Goldberg, Barbara Walters, etc. I am inspired by art, fashion, film, television, and all forms of media. I am inspired by music, most of all, though. It is with me at all times. It is always there. If it’s not in my ears, it is in my head. Music may not be what makes the world go round, but it is what keeps my world spinning. The more I listen to it and the more I write, the more I just understand the world; even more, I understand myself. It also helps a workout run much more smoothly. Like I said, the workouts help me start the day with a purpose, but adding the music to it helps me start out the day with inspiration.

When I got to work today, I pulled out the “Crying At The Disco” drawing and began working on it further. As much as I may have had my misgivings about it yesterday, I wound up extremely happy with the end result. I don’t know how exactly it happened, but I got a burst of inspiration and figured out exactly what it needed. I absolutely love the way it turned out. I also completed the last of the 4 designs I was working on to submit to that company in town. It was a slightly different interpretation of my “Monster” drawing before, and I kind of like it much better. My sister gave me a really good idea about these drawings, too. She was asking me about how I intended to color them, which I had been planning on just doing with colored pencil. When I told her that, she said that I should take them to Kinko’s and make a few copies of each one in case I wind up screwing one up in the coloring process. She also gave me some ideas about possibly coloring them digitally in Paint, or if I can find a decent cracked version of Photoshop. I’ll definitely tinker around with that once I have the pictures scanned, but the idea of making copies of them is one I definitely intend to move forward with. The thing is, though, I don’t know how much of a sense of urgency there is about these submissions. It’s already been like 5 days. I’d kind of like to get something to these people ASAP before I miss my chance. Of course, they didn’t have any sense of urgency about it. Still, I feel like it is better to get them something sooner than later. Plus, I am just kind of anxious about the whole thing. It’s just so funny to me because I never would have imagined that I would be finding myself so excited and feeling so much passion about drawing. It kind of makes me think about what Jewel was talking about in the blog she wrote that I mentioned yesterday. I always said that I wasn’t a visual person and that I wasn’t an artist in that sense, but that whole idea was just something that I needed to chip away to get to the fact that I actually am. It’s like I was actually capable of it the whole time and the only thing stopping me from accessing that was the idea in my head that I couldn’t.

The more I have been thinking about art lately, the more I have kind of been considering trying my hand at painting. I have tried it a time or two in the past and never really got anywhere with it, but I wonder if I couldn’t pull it off better now. The only thing that makes me feel kind of strange about it is the fact that I’m not really sure what the purpose of it would be. With the drawings, there is a goal and a purpose: fashion. With buying the camera and trying to make a short film/long form music video, there is a goal and a purpose: Music. With the music, there is also a goal and a purpose: Life, inspiration, change, EVERYTHING. I can’t really think of what the goal or purpose of painting would be. I could try to get really good at it and have a showing, and maybe even sell some stuff. That’s never really been a goal that I have ever had, though. Still, it could be a good move for me. I love art shows. I love art. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t focus on too many different things at once. Still, another part of me asks, “why not?” It’s all really focused on the same things: Creation and inspiration. I want to create things that will inspire others. Why not create a lot of different things to inspire others in a lot of different ways? I don’t know whether or not I will explore that further any time soon, but it’s something I am considering. I also kind of feel like with so much focus on these drawings lately, as well as the focus on diet and exercise, I have been feeling like I have been focusing a lot less on music. It’s not that I haven’t been focused on music – It has been the inspiration behind everything else I have done. I do feel like, in some ways, focusing on these drawings has taken away from my focus on working on my own music. I haven’t really done much with the keyboard lately. Of course, I also understand that a large part of why I haven’t been doing anything with the keyboard is because I have realized that I don’t entirely know what I am doing with it and am waiting until I can take lessons. That has been on my mind a lot lately, and I am just waiting to receive my income tax. I do feel like maybe I should go ahead and get back in touch with Eliezer and try to actually schedule a date for some time after I know I will have gotten my income tax. I think I will feel better about it all once I actually have a solid start date set up for myself. I think maybe I will do that tomorrow. The last thing I want is to feel any sort of disconnection or lack of focus on that because music is my ultimate dream and goal in life. While it is certainly a good thing that I am exploring these other parts of who I am, and experimenting with other mediums, I do need to keep in mind that music is the ultimate medium for me. It is what I am meant for in this life, and I need to make sure that no matter what else I am focused on in my life music remains my main focus.

The eating pattern I have come up with worked out really well again today, except with some variations. I ate cereal after working out this morning, and found myself feeling hungry again right before my lunchtime. Instead of a meal replacement bar, my friend/team lead brought me some Chicken & Rice for lunch, and it was delicious. I really want to learn how to make that myself, because it is fairly healthy and extremely tasty. That kept me satisfied until I got home around 7pm, (after having gotten off at 6pm, which is a long story.) When I got home I ate some fruit out of this fruit bowl that my Mom and I picked up at the grocery store the other night. It had grapes, strawberries, watermelon, honey dew, cantaloupe and pineapple. It was really tasty and more satisfying than I had ever found fruit to be in the past. This all worked out really well until my Mom got off work and we decided to have McDonald’s for dinner. Like I have mentioned before, I really think it is much less about what you eat so long as you don’t eat too much of it. I noticed the past two nights that, when it comes to dinner, I seem to have a problem with portions. I’m used to eating a very large dinner because before now I normally wouldn’t have eaten anything all day and would have been hungry enough to warrant eating such a large portion. That isn’t the case now, though, and the past two nights I have wound up making myself feel kind of sick at dinner. Tonight I had two of those little cheeseburgers, fries and a 10-piece chicken nugget. It never really seemed like it before, but even just saying that now, it really is a LOT of food. More than I should have had and I am still feeling a little overstuffed from it. So, I am making it a goal for tomorrow to eat a dinner that doesn’t leave me feeling this way.

This evening I watched a little bit of TV and found a little bit of inspiration in it. First off, I watched an epic piece of gay television that I have even given it’s own celebrity couple nickname: Roprah! That is, yesterday’s episode of Oprah, which was a full hour with Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie O’Donnell is an inspiration for many reasons. Not only is she a wonderful icon for the gay community, but she is really doing her part to change the way that the world views gay people and, mainly, gay families. She has a documentary coming out on HBO called “A Family Is A Family Is A Family,” documenting the plight of her and her former partner, Kelli, in trying to raise a family in spite of their recent breakup and the media spotlight and such. It sounds pretty amazing and the clips that Oprah showed of moments between Rosie and her children were really beautiful. Aside from all of that, though, I love the fact that Rosie is such an open person, never shying away from discussing her childhood, her relationships, her family and her many issues that stem from all of those things. I love that in a celebrity. It is incredibly refreshing and I have always thought that, should I wind up a celebrity on any level, I would try to be like that, as well. Another celebrity/artist who has that same kind of stance is Gwen Stefani. She has been a huge inspiration to me throughout most of my life, as well. She doesn’t hold anything back, particularly in her music with No Doubt. Christina Aguilera would be another great example of that type of fearless artistry and celebrity. I just have a very deep respect for anyone who is willing to put themselves out there in such a way. I also watched today’s episode of “The View,” in which they had a discussion during “Hot Topics” about the fact that teenage pregnancy is on the rise for the first time in over 10 years. Joy Behar took the stance that this was evidence that all of the abstinence education being funded by our government is simply not working. Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shephard, on the other hand, felt that this probably had a lot to do with the fact that television and films targeted towards teens is so inundated with sexual imagery. Honestly, I think both sides are right on this. Yes, teens are completely surrounded with sexual imagery and that surely inspires them to feel more comfortable diving into sexual situations. At the same time, though, there is so much sex in teen-targeted media for a reason: Art is a reflection of life, and the reason so many kids are having sex on TV is more than likely because so many kids are having sex in real life. Teaching kids abstinence isn’t the solution, either. Pretty much every teenager knows by now that, according to their elders, they just shouldn’t be having sex. No matter how much you tell them that, they are still going to do it. In fact, the more that you tell them that, the more likely they are to end up doing it. The answer here seems so clear: Teenagers are going to have sex regardless of what you tell them, so you should be educating them on the importance of using protection – that way if they do decide to do it, they are more likely to do it with protection. The problem with this answer is that the fundamentalists are going to bitch that educating kids about protection is going to encourage them to do it. That is ridiculous. They’re already thinking about it. They are teenagers, their hormones are raging and sex is on their minds, whether they are having it or not. Those damn fundamentalists will ALWAYS find something to bitch about, though, until we are a completely puritanical society. Thank God for the other side. I also watched “American Idol,” which is always kind of inspiring to me. No matter what stage the show is in, the early auditions like tonight or the actual top 12, I can always watch and compare myself to the artists on the show. Particularly in these early audition parts, where they are giving away golden tickets to get to Hollywood Week, I am always surprised by some of the people they wind up letting through to Hollywood. In many cases, I really feel like I am better than some of the people they send through to Hollywood. I have always said that if I auditioned for “American Idol” I would definitely be able to get through to the Hollywood portion. Whether or not I could get past that point, I don’t know, but I have always thought I could get to that part, at least. Their cutoff age is 28, and I am going to be 27 this year. I really feel like when the next season comes around I should go audition. Of course, who knows where I will be by that time. I don’t think anything major will have changed between now and this summer, which is generally when they do the auditions, except that I will possibly be a better artist by that time. Ideally, I will be a few months into music lessons by that time and will have a much better musical ear, which will surely help out with an a cappella audition. I should have lost a decent amount of weight by then, as well, so I will have a better look to show up with. Again, I don’t know what will be going on in my life by that time, but as it stands, I think it could be a really good idea to go audition this summer. We’ll see about that, though. In the meantime, though, it is now 12:30am and I should be getting to bed.

Chapter 81: What You Are

I woke up this morning only slightly later than planned. 7:40am instead of 7:30am. I woke in a pretty good mood and was excited to get back into my morning workout routine. The workout was a little intense this morning. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I went two days without doing it or because I was a bit overtired or what exactly, but I had to really push for it this morning. It helped, though, that we had an excellent soundtrack to workout to. “The Fame” by Lady Gaga, which I think was actually a better workout soundtrack than “The Fame Monster.” I think “The Fame,” for the most part, has a more even beat to it and even when it slows down a bit early on, like on “Paparazzi” and “Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)” it is still upbeat and quick enough to move to. I need to throw together some sort of workout playlist that is all fast-paced and moves a little more evenly than most albums do. Either way, though, I got a good workout and worked up a major sweat from it. Afterwards, I sat down to a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats with Peaches, which was pretty delicious and filling. Then I took a long-ish shower and put on makeup for the day. I packed up my bag for the day and included a Curves meal replacement bar, and headed off for work.

When I arrived at work I pulled out the “Crying At The Disco” drawing I have been working on and tried to sort out where exactly it had gone wrong. Over the weekend I had tried a few different things with it to improve it, but none of it worked out. It hit me at work that the body of the woman at the center of the drawing was a little off. Her proportions were off in a lot of places. Still, I was also having a little trouble figuring out the placement of the other people, the dancers at the disco. By the end of the day I had not completed the drawing, but I have the main outline done. Now it is just a matter of adding details. I still feel kind of funny about it, but I think it is shaping up nicely and will be a good addition to the collection I am submitting to the t-shirt company. We’ll see, though. I spent most of today working on this between calls and didn’t really talk to my co-workers much at all. Before work this morning I had stumbled upon my horoscope on Twitter that read: "Your mind is buzzing with original ideas, but you're wise to keep them to yourself today because you may not be able to explain yourself very well. Instead of trying to convince anyone that your plan really could work, just quietly concentrate on making it happen. Once you have some positive results to show for your efforts, others will be more likely to roll up their sleeves and jump in to support you." I really took that advice to heart, not just in reference to today but in general. It is absolutely true that my mind is buzzing with original ideas right now, but I kind of feel like I shouldn’t be running around talking about them. There are a few different reasons for this. As the horoscope says, I may not be able to explain myself well and that would create doubt in other people’s minds about my ability to accomplish these goals. Other people’s doubts about these goals would then be put out into the Universe and could cause opposition towards my completion of them. I also understand that everybody has some sort of agenda, and the more I talk about my ideas the more I leave myself open to criticism, for whatever reasons one may have for criticizing me, and other people’s criticism is of no service to me. It can only create doubt in my own mind. For these reasons, I stayed kind of tight-lipped at work today. I have stayed kind of tight-lipped at work a lot lately. It just seems like there is so much negativity in that place and the more I talk to the people around me, the more I am contributing to it. I want to be a part of the solution, not part of the problem… and believe me, it’s a problem.

I was feeling pretty hungry by the time my lunch break came and I was feeling some doubt that the meal replacement bar would help that at all. I was completely wrong about that, though. I ate that very small bar and didn’t feel hungry again until it was almost time to get off. When I got home after work I decided to just eat a small snack to hold me over until later when I was ready to make dinner in time for my Mom to get home. I ate a kiwi and a little bit of yogurt. It was a small snack, but it was very fulfilling. Plus, it was a healthy snack item instead of something fatty. I feel like today I ALMOST found the perfect eating routine: Small breakfast, tiny lunch, small snack, then the part that made it ALMOST perfect, a large dinner. This evening I taught myself something I had always kind of wanted to know: How to make spaghetti. It was extremely simple. I didn’t do anything fancy, so hold your applause. The sauce was Ragu. Basically, all I did was brown some meat and boil some noodles. Still, I had never done it before and never realized how simple it actually is. It was delicious, too. So delicious, in fact, that I wound up eating way more than I should have and am now feeling kind of sick because of it. Lesson learned, I suppose. I am going to try to repeat this process tomorrow, although I don’t know how that is going to go. My good friend/team lead at work was planning to make Chicken & Rice for dinner tonight and said that she was going to bring me some for lunch tomorrow. Luckily, that isn’t really an overly fattening or unhealthy meal. It also sounds obscenely delicious from her description of it, so I won’t resist. That should make for a good lunch. It will definitely be better than a meal replacement bar. I suppose it doesn’t entirely matter WHAT I eat, just that I eat a small portion for breakfast, a small portion for lunch, a small snack and then dinner. I know they say it is unhealthy to eat later in the evening, but due to my Mom’s schedule I don’t really have much of a choice but to eat dinner late. Besides, I am not really on an actual diet – I am just trying to make a change to my relationship with food and the way that I eat. I’m not going to get overly focused on the details of the times that I eat, or really what I eat, just the portions of it. Basically, I just need to eat when I feel hungry and only eat enough to satisfy that hunger. It’s a pretty simple concept, and I managed to carry it out pretty well today. Now it’s just a matter of doing that every day. I think I can pull this off.

My Mom got home this evening just as the spaghetti finished and we sat down to a couple re-runs of “Glee,” (which I have now dubbed “Gleeruns.”) It was nice because I think we both just needed to sit down and stare at something old and familiar and decompress from the day. We didn’t talk about anything of any importance, mainly discussing how good the spaghetti was and how much we both love Lea Michele. I don’t know how to explain it exactly but it was nice to spend a little brainless time together just enjoying something separate from our own lives. I love moments like that. I wouldn’t want them to be predominant or anything, but they are certainly enjoyable when they do come. I feel like most people kind of forget about the fact that just as much as you need time to be connected to the world and the events of your day-to-day life, your job, your friends and your family, you also need time to be completely disconnected from it and just relax and have fun and not think about or talk about anything of any importance. I really think that it is important to allow yourself a little time to not be productive, and even more to not feel any guilt for that. Oftentimes, my Mom and I will have times like these on the weekend and then she will beat herself up because she didn’t get anything accomplished and I always try to tell her how foolish that is. You may not have gotten any of the things you had planned accomplished, but you accomplished something much greater: Clearing your head. That is just as important as any household chore. Hopefully she’ll figure that out one of these days.

It is 12:15am and I am ready for bed, but before I go there was one last thing that I wanted to discuss here. This evening, in my post-work Twitter check, I found a link from one of my favorite artists of all-time, Jewel. It was a link to a blog post on her official website that started off with her referencing one of my favorite songs off of her debut album, “Pieces Of You.” The song is called “Painters,” and it was about, in her words, “an artist who wanted to paint themselves a lovely world.” This blog post goes on to discuss how she has kind of made it her mission to make her life her greatest work of art. That is something I had never really thought much about, honestly, but it makes perfect sense. If you dedicate your life to creating art, as she has and as I strive to every day, why wouldn’t you try to create a life as great, if not greater, than the rest of what you create? In a lot ways, I think this may be the fatal flaw for so many artists out there – they make great art, but neglect their lives. I have long believed that the two couldn’t really go hand-in-hand, but more and more lately I realize how ridiculous that idea is. I can’t imagine how living a great life would make your art suffer yet so many people allow making great art to make their lives suffer. There is no need for this. Jewel is an amazing example of that. I feel like her living a great life has only improved her art. I hope to have a life like that at some point myself. This blog also tells a beautiful story about an art teacher that Jewel had in high school who gave all of her students a stone to carve, and explained to them that what the stone was meant to be was already there and that it isn’t the job of the artist to create something of it, but to chip away what is covering what it already is underneath. This relates to every single one of us. We allow society to place so much onto us that we wind up like those stones, with all these other elements covering up what we already are. Maybe it is our job, as the artists creating our own lives, to chip away those elements, those things that we are not, to get down to what we really are. Our low self-esteem, our trust issues, our childhoods, our pain, our issues, our dramas – none of those things are what we are. We need to find ways to get past them all and discover what we really are underneath it all. Attached to this blog was a brand new song that will be included on her next album, recorded on her laptop in acoustic form, called “What You Are” that discusses these topics beautifully. “A star is a star, it doesn’t have to try to shine, water will fall, a bird just knows how to fly, you don’t have to tell a flower how to bloom or light how to fill up a room, you already are what you are, and what you are is perfect.” It’s so simple, yet such a powerful statement. This is yet another reason why I consider Jewel one of the greatest songwriters of our generation. She is amazing. I only hope to be a fragment of the artist that she is one day.

For now, though, it is time for my beauty rest so I will be able to wake up in the morning and try the whole routine again. I am reminded of an episode of “The L Word,” when Jennifer Beals’ character is begging Marlee Matlin’s character not to tell her girlfriend something she has found out that isn’t actually true. Long story, but Marlee Matlin’s character says something that has stuck with me ever since: “Every day we wake up and we try to be better than we were the day before, it’s the execution that is the problem… but we still try.” I am trying.

Chapter 80: Put Your Makeup On

I woke up at 3pm today. I was immediately kind of irritated that I had woken up so late. I had set my alarm for 1pm and did wake up when it went off, but I somehow allowed myself to fall back to sleep for another couple hours. I absolutely hate sleeping that late for a number of reasons, but mainly because I know that will make it harder for me to get up tomorrow morning when waking up on time is kind of crucial. I have to wake up at 7:30am tomorrow. The weekend was nice, but it is time to get back to working out tomorrow morning. My Mom and I have decided to start working out earlier, at 8am instead of 8:10-8:15am, to allow for time to eat breakfast and get ready without having to rush. So, if I am not up at 7:30am I will have to rush through the morning routine, or miss out on coffee and cigarettes; I am NOT willing to miss out on my coffee and cigarettes. Those are a very important part of my morning routine. So, waking up at 3pm today and possibly ending up having trouble sleeping tonight is a clear threat to that and put me in a bit of a mood. It didn’t help that I got up and my Mom seemed to be in a bit of a mood, as well. She was watching football, so I just came back to my room and dicked around online for a while. I could hear her doing stuff out in the living room/kitchen area, so I knew I needed to get off my ass and do something, too. I gathered up my laundry and threw it in the washer, then washed the dishes that were remaining in the sink. I felt bad because she had already done a lot of them, but I figured I could at least save her from having to do the rest.

I asked my Mom if she had actually filed my taxes yet, and she kept getting irritated with my questions about this. She said nothing would happen until tomorrow, but I tried to explain to her that I just feel more comfortable knowing that it has actually been done already. She also wasn’t sure of the timeframe in which it would come back, so I was kind of anxious to find out how soon it would be coming. None of this assisted with her being irritated with my questions about it. Once she finally did the actual filing, we found out that it would be 7-10 days. That isn’t exactly what I was hoping for, but it will certainly do. I am still keeping my fingers crossed that it will come by Friday, but I suppose we will see. I explained my dilemma on what to do with the remainder of the money with my Mom and she didn’t seem to see anything wrong with the concept of just using the remainder of the cash to shop for new clothes. I know, deep down, that this is NOT the answer. That isn’t going to help me move forward at all. That will only make me momentarily happy. It would be like a band-aid, it wouldn’t actually create any long-term change for me. I talked about this with my Mom a little later, though, when she was in a better mood, and we figured out what would really be the best solution; I will put $100 of the remaining $150-180 towards pre-paying 2 weeks of music lessons with Eliezer Rivera and the rest will go towards the cell phone bill. There are a couple of reasons that feel more tangible in my head than “it’s not right” that helped me to decide not to shop for clothes with that money. First of all, if I am serious about continuing to work towards my weight loss goals, then it seems kind of silly to buy clothes in my current size since I plan on having that change in the near future. Also, it just makes sense to put the money towards paying for music lessons because, as I put it to my Mom, “When I’m recording my album, I won’t really care what I’m wearing! …I mean, I WILL care what I’m wearing, but it will be worth the sacrifice.”

I’ve figured out that I only have about $97 to get through to my next paycheck, and I have to take my friend/co-worker to dinner next Friday and I have the Owl City concert to go to, but if I am frugal I shouldn’t have any problems. I have figured out a way to avoid ordering lunches during the week or anything, which will be helpful. As I mentioned yesterday, my friend April gave me the idea of using some sort of meal replacement to get sustenance mid-day, because I do feel like that is very important for me to start doing. I talked to my Mom about this, and she happened to have a few boxes of different types of meal replacement protein bars. So, starting tomorrow I am going to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast and one of these bars for lunch then eating a smaller portion for dinner. Therefore, I really have no reason to spend money during the week, aside from on sodas out of the vending machines at work, and should still have about $90 on Friday night when I take my co-worker out to dinner. I am pretty sure that this dinner shouldn’t cost more than $50, which will leave me with $40. If I avoid spending over the weekend, I should be okay and still have that $40 left for the Owl City concert. However, not spending over the weekend may not work out so well for me considering I kind of made plans to go out somewhere with Nate & Whitney on Saturday. I’m really into that idea, too, because I haven’t really gone OUT anywhere in a while, at least not with Nate & Whitney. Plus, my Mom’s boyfriend will be here then and I will surely need a little time away from the house. They were talking about some restaurant out in the Venice area, kind of near Whitney’s house, that has really great drinks, so we may wind up doing that. I don’t know for sure. I figure, though, that if I can figure out a way to spend only about $20 there I should be fine. Having only $20 for the Owl City concert wouldn’t really be a big deal. I generally like to buy merchandise there, but it’s not a requirement and oftentimes is skipped due to a lack of good merchandise/range of sizes. As a matter of fact, I just checked out http://www.owlcitymusic.com and found that there really isn’t much on there that would really fit in with my personal style anymore. I think that I am neglecting to realize about this whole situation. I used to love going to concerts and buying band t-shirts and such, but I don’t really wear band t-shirts anymore. It is still important that I have at least a little cash at the concert, though, for a couple reasons. First of all, in case I need a drink while I am there. I normally don’t buy drinks at concerts, but if I need water or something it is good to have cash on hand. Also, in small venues like this one, the artists will often do a meet & greet after the show and it is always good to be able to buy a CD there for them to sign. More often than not they will have posters or something free to sign, but I just think an autographed CD is cooler than a poster. Of course, my poster that the Veronicas totally tagged up is pretty awesome. Plus, CDs at concerts are usually considerably cheaper than they are in stores and such, normally around $10. So, all of that is my plan for getting through the next 10 days or so on only $90. Hopefully everything goes according to plan and I won’t have to deviate from this plan.

In the midst of dishes and laundry and such today, I managed to find a little time to work on the “Crying At The Disco” drawing. I don’t know what it is exactly, but this one just isn’t coming as easily as the rest have. I think it may be the fact that I am working on it outside of the workplace. I am used to drawing under the fluorescent lights there and in the upright position in my cubicle. At home, I don’t really have a place to recreate that sort of positioning and have been drawing lying on my bed. I am hoping that it will all come together at work tomorrow. Then I will do one more and maybe do a little work to refine them all a bit before submitting them to the company. We’ll see what comes of it. I do think they are all pretty cool designs, though, and would make some pretty awesome t-shirts. I just hope this company feels the same way. Selling a few of these drawings would be a big help to me right now in a lot of ways. As much as I may be a little anxious, nervous and intimidated by the whole concept of actually selling these drawings I also feel like, although they may not be the most professional works possibly, they are really good and would make pretty great t-shirt designs. I just love the idea of it so much. I imagine buying these t-shirts for my friends and stuff and then bumping into them out places while they’re wearing them. I know, it is kind of a nerdy dream, but I absolutely love the idea of it! I was watching “The View” Friday, and their new segment “Fashion Fridays” and their guest this week was Diane Von Furstenburg, who is absolutely brilliant. Last week they had Vera Wang on for “Fashion Friday,” and it is totally my new favorite part of “The View.” I just feel like these people create work that makes people feel good. They make clothing that people can put on and just feel special. A woman can throw on a wrap dress by Diane Von Furstenburg and feel like they look like a million bucks. I love that whole aspect of fashion. I have discussed it many times before, but that is where this passion I have recently developed comes from. Fashion is about making people look good, but so much more than that it is about making people feel good, and feel beautiful in their own skin. That is the important part of fashion for me and I really hope that I can take part in that, even if only in a small way.

I also must mention something else I did in the midst of all the rest I’ve mentioned here. I downloaded an old record by an artist who I have only recently discovered, but whom I think is really destined to make a major impact in pop music: Simon Curtis. I was aware of this guy because he had a part in the movie “Spectacular!” “Spectacular!” was Nickelodeon’s answer to the insane success of “High School Musical” for Disney. This movie is nowhere near the quality of “High School Musical” and didn’t achieve anywhere near the success of it, but it was pretty decent and had a couple of really great assets: Nolan Gerard Funk and Simon Curtis. Not only were both of these guys gorgeous, but they were also both extremely talented. Had they had a better script and better music to work with, “Spectacular!” would have been pretty unstoppable. As it is, though, Simon Curtis is left working on developing a career in pop music. He has a new record that he is releasing for free digitally, called “8 Bit Heart,” and has given out two of the records tracks so far. The first track is called “Delusional” and has a completely brilliant electro-pop/dance sound to it. The second song, a song that has been driving me insane with it’s greatness lately, is called “Diablo.” “Diablo” has the same electro-pop/dance sound as “Delusional” but the lyrics are incredibly clever and unique. The song opens with the line, “Here’s the thing, we started off friends, but this is not a Kelly Clarkson song and not where it ends…” It is essentially a song about a relationship with somebody who is just plain evil, like the Devil or, in Spanish, El Diablo. Many of his fans, and critics who have gotten advance listens to the album, compare him to a “male version of Lady Gaga.” While I don’t necessarily know that I would go that far, I would definitely say that he is one of the most interesting, unique, thought-provoking male pop artists I have ever come across. The record I downloaded today was meant to be released back in 2006, but unfortunately never actually saw a release. It is titled “Alter Boy” and has really blown my mind. It has the same sort of sound as “Delusional” and “Diablo” and the same clever, unique style of songwriting, too. What I have is 10 songs that were written and recorded for that record, and supposedly there are more out there, but these 10 tracks make an incredible record on their own. Every single track is amazing. My personal favorites would be “Detox,” “Broken,” “Answers,” “Sugar Sugar White,” “Left Right Left” and, most of all, “Put Your Makeup On.” “Put Your Makeup On” is basically a song about celebrating the things that make you different and dressing yourself up and strutting your stuff no matter what anybody else has to say. There is a part of this song that really spoke to me in a lot of ways. In the bridge he sings, “As a kid I got a lot of shit for liking my music but what is it for? ‘You should listen to this because it gives more,’ ‘Yeah, but it sounds lousy on the dance floor.’” Hearing that I couldn’t help but think, “I know EXACTLY what he is talking about.” As a kid, and even still, I took a lot of shit for my love of pop music. I think this is the story of many gay youths. I don’t know if that is what Simon Curtis is referencing, or if Simon Curtis is even gay, but I feel like that makes a very powerful statement for gay youth. More than that, though, it makes a very powerful statement for anybody who has grown up with pop music and made to feel bad or stupid for enjoying something so “frivolous.” One of many things that I have come to realize in my life is that, as Gaga puts it, “Pop music will never be low brow.” I don’t care what anybody has to say about it, pop music has heart. It may not say things in the most complicated or poetic ways, but it says what it needs to say and is accessible to everybody. Not everyone can put on a Tori Amos song and really get the emotional meanings behind it, but they can hear Britney Spears sing “From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart” and feel like, “Yeah, I’ve been there.” I write lyrics in a pop style, for the most part, (although it is very different from the Britney, Hilary, Miley Cyrus stuff,) and I don’t see anything wrong with that. I have honestly tried to shake it in the past in favor of something that seems a little more “artsy” but I have realized that pop and artsy don’t always have to be opposites. Artists like Lady Gaga and Simon Curtis are living proof of that. Pop music can be made with real artistry and depth. I hope to join the ranks of artists proving that in the future.

It is 12:45am now and I am feeling pretty tired. Hopefully this means I will fall asleep pretty easily and will have no problem waking up in the morning. I am excited to add to my morning routine tomorrow and to get back on the workout wagon after the weekend break. I am also excited to work on these drawings at work tomorrow. Hopefully it won’t be too busy of a day to really make some progress. We’ll see I suppose. For now, it is time to not fight my tiredness anymore and get to sleep.