Chapter 53: How Lucky We Are

I am really lost on where to begin here. After losing yesterday’s post, I’m not sure what I actually talked about here and what I am thinking I already talked about but didn’t because it fell into a black hole. So, I ask right up front that you bear with me if I begin saying things that you’ve heard before. I know I probably emphasized it enough in the mini-post I made last night, but I ABSOLUTELY HATE that my post was lost. It kind of feels like, in some ways, that day was lost. Not really, of course, but enough to make me very sad and very irritated. It’s silly, I know, because the post really didn’t talk about anything of much importance. I did kind of open up about a period back in late 2005/early 2006 when I suffered from an eating disorder and about how Lindsay Lohan was the inspiration for me getting out of that place. I also discussed calling my Uncle in California, who I am hoping to live with when I move. I got his voicemail. I left him a message thanking him for the check he sent me for Christmas and saying that I was hoping to get a chance to actually talk to him and asking that he call me back. The thing is, though, when I mentioned to my Mom that I needed to call him she wasn’t sure whether the number that I have is still his proper number. The voicemail I reached was one of those non-descript ones that just has the automated voice read off the number. I figured I would give it the week and if I haven’t heard back from him by next weekend, I will email him about it. I know that his email is still his own because I still receive forwards and such from it on occasion. So, we’ll see how that goes. I’ll be sure to report here once I have heard from him in some form.

Another thing I discussed in last night’s lost post, as well as in the post before it, was random Kelly Clarkson stuff suddenly leaking. It started out with 9 songs on Saturday, then 11 more came on Sunday. 20 songs! I figured that would be it, but when I got home from work today I found that there were 10 more. In the past three days, 30 new Kelly Clarkson songs have leaked! I thought I was thrilled back in 2008 when four demos for the next album leaked. This is unprecedented, and completely insane! It isn’t like an actual leak of new music, though, exactly. All of these songs have been performed at the Fan Club Pre-shows on her “All I Ever Wanted” tour. There is some really amazing stuff in this collection, too. There are probably equal amounts new songs as there are covers and seriously every single track is amazing. I am not going to do a track-by-track sort of thing because really, for me with Kelly Clarkson, that would just be like gushing! These songs are all live and all have a very gritty sound quality, but they are absolutely brilliant! I just love Kelly Clarkson in every way possible! One song I will discuss on it’s own, though, is one called “I Wish I Could Be Lonely Instead,” which is probably my favorite of this grouping. This is a song that I can really relate to. “I think I might be missing you like you said I would, I think I might have run away, now I’m the fool, yeah I’m the fool, I think I meant I love you when I said that I don’t care, I wish I were just lonely instead…”

I have found myself a lot lately relating to songs about foolishly running away from things and regretting it. Honestly, I am kind of feeling that way about my best friend, Don. Not exactly, but when I think about back when I left California I have trouble remembering the real reasoning behind it. Back at the time I wrote out this long thing to Don about how I had this painting, and I loved the painting and I was really proud of the painting and I just always ran around showing off the painting to everybody around, (looking back, maybe to the point of shoving the painting down people’s throats, but whatever.) I loved the painting so much that I spent all my time examining it, when suddenly one day I noticed that there was a little tiny spot in the painting that was nothing but white canvas. The painting had a flaw I had never seen before. It was missing something. Discovering this hole in the painting I became desperate to find the perfect paint to fill that spot. I went to my local paint store and spoke with the paint expert guy there and he said that he didn’t have the paint that I needed there, but that there was this other paint store that he thought would have exactly what I needed. Well, I went to that other paint store and found the paint that was perfect for me. Then I flaunted my painting around again, and had to find another new paint to fill another hole in the painting. The lesson I have learned, though, is that the painting will always have holes. The flaws in the painting are part of what makes it as beautiful as it is, and I have come to love the painting exactly as it is. So, what is the next logical step? Taking my new and improved, but still utterly flawed, painting and going back home. That is what I need now.

The thing that concerns me, though, is that the best friend that I left behind there has made all kinds of alterations to his painting, as well, and it scares me to think that our paintings may not complement one another anymore, as they used to. I absolutely hate the idea of that, and I really can’t imagine what my life would be like without him being my best friend or with us just not meshing properly. I doubt if that will even be the case, but with the lack of connection we have had recently, (which has improved, but still isn’t properly fixed,) it concerns me. In some ways I am reminded of a song; “My Song” by Brandi Carlile. “I live every day like there will never be a last one until they’re gone, and they’re gone, I’m much too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time, so you can come and get it from now on.” That is only one side of me, though, and I know that side is incorrect and wanting to place the blame elsewhere. I know that any lack of connection or distance that may have grown between us is my own fault. It is much more reminiscent of the Kelly Clarkson song mentioned above, or a song I have been obsessed with recently: “Had It All” by Katharine McPhee. “I had it all, but threw it all aside thinking there was more out there I needed to find, I had it all, baby, until you went away, Blue skies, sunshine and butterflies, Those are the conditions that I left behind, Why did I let it go to waste? I had it all.” I don’t mean to be dismissive of my time here in Florida because it really has been invaluable to me. I have grown into the person I know I was meant to become, and I have learned lessons that I don’t know if I could have had I stayed in the state of mind I was in back when I was in California. I have also made connections with some amazing people that I wouldn’t trade for the world. At the same time, though, if the cost is losing the connection that I had with my best friend, and no longer having the only person in my life I never have to question… well, I have to really stop and consider whether or not that is worth it. Most people who know me well know that I am very good at being selfish and shutting off my concern for other people’s feelings in order to do what I need to do for me… but this is one of the rare cases where I am simply not capable. I have yet to have a singe ACTUAL regret in my life, (although believe me there are a LOT of things I’d probably do differently if I were to do it all again,) but if I wind up losing Don, I think I may start to learn a lot about what it feels like to regret. I REALLY don’t believe that is the case, though, but a lot of situations lately have left me feeling paranoid about losing things that I love. That is not the case this time, though. I am confident. Okay, so I may not be completely confident but, like so many other things in my life, I’m going to fake it until it becomes the truth.

As far as today goes, since I have yet to actually get to it, it was decent enough. They’ve decided to change the seating chart at work, and I am really not the happiest with where they are placing me in relation to everyone else. I’ve talked about one of my co-workers whose sear is right next to mine currently. The one who has been annoying everybody, myself included. Well, I have kind of come around to her and am kind of upset I will be moved away from her. I am even more annoyed with the person who they are seating me next to now. This is a girl who I get along with superficially, but don’t want to actually do any real sharing with or much dealing with at all. I don’t foresee a pleasant time at work moving forward… at least, not for me. The change works out pretty well for everybody else. Oh well, it isn’t that much longer that I will have to be dealing with any of it, anyway. I said to a good friend of mine recently that I am perfectly happy with what is ahead for me; it is the meantime that is the trouble. I really must stop looking at it like that. I don’t know how to train myself to do that, though. Whatever I have to do, though, I will figure it out and stop it! I think, with the long list of things I keep saying every day that I need to remind myself of, the thing I need to remind myself of the most is that it is okay to not have it all figured out or not get it right every time. Of course, according to Kabbalah, the way that we connect to the Light, or the creator, is by identifying and resisting our reactive behaviors. Of course, it also recognizes that humans, as a race, are not perfect beings and are bound to stray from that from time to time. The important thing, I think, is to not let these “slip-ups” discourage us from continuing to strive to resist our reactive behaviors. That is something I have been having trouble with a lot lately, and I think I may have allowed myself to be discouraged. No more, though. I know what is right, and I will continue to strive to connect to the Light.

Speaking of Kabbalah, I just found out a couple hours ago that one of my favorite authors on the topic, Yehuda Berg, will be having a discussion/book signing at the Barnes & Noble here in town on January 10th. That is on a Sunday, so I am guaranteed to have the day off and simply must be in attendance! He has a new book out called, “The Power To Change Everything.” I have really been feeling like I need to start reading my Kabbalah books and such again in order to help tame some of the chaos that I have been experiencing in my life lately, and then all of a sudden I hear about this signing and discussion and I can’t help but feel like it is exactly what I have been needing. Yehuda Berg, for those who don’t know, is a member of the Berg family who founded the Kabbalah Center International. The entire Berg family writes books on Kabbalah, but Yehuda’s have always been my favorites. He has a series of books called the “Technology For The Soul” series, which is amazing and are all my favorite books about Kabbalah, beginning with “The Power Of Kabbalah,” which is possibly my favorite book of all-time. He writes about Kabbalah in a way that makes it easily accessible to every type of person. He manages to make it relatable to anybody and really makes these incredibly profound concepts simple to understand. I adore his work, and could not be more excited that he is going to holding a discussion right here in town. I think this is exactly what I have needed to help me keep my head up “in the meantime.” I am extremely grateful to the universe for bringing this to me. Like I have said many times previously, the universe is working in my favor and this is yet another sign of it. It has provided me with something more immediate to look forward to, and something that will likely prove very helpful to me moving forward in my life: to California, and beyond.

For now, though, it is nearly midnight and I should really try to get to sleep earlier than I have been lately. I only have three more days left of the week at work, and I need to try my best to get through them being well rested and more at ease than I have been lately. Speaking of work, I went to lunch with one of my favorite co-workers today and kind of discussed the whole concept of possibly withdrawing my application for the position that is open, and she seemed to be in favor of the concept. She actually managed to make me look at it a bit differently. “The Secret” says that in order to create the changes we want in our life, we need to feel absolute certainty in them. If we make decisions that reflect the possibility that the things we want could possibly not happen, then the frequency of doubt is put out into the universe and it will prevent the changes that we want to see from actually happening for us. Thinking about that further, I have come to realize that further pursuing this position is kind of like an insurance policy for me, if I were to not move to California. It isn’t entirely, but I think my hesitancy towards actually speaking to my supervisors and withdrawing my application is because if I were to not wind up moving, I would wish I had pursued the position further. Again, that is putting a frequency of doubt out to the universe and will prevent the change I want to happen, moving to California, from happening. Plus, it seems like it would be unfair to the other person pursuing the position, as well as to the management team to make them have to go through a period of searching for somebody to fill this position again 5 months down the road. So, I told my sister’s girlfriend, who is in charge of this position, that I needed to speak with her off the floor. She didn’t have a chance to talk to me before she left today, so I will try it again tomorrow. I really do believe it is the best decision for all parties involved and I have made up my mind about it. I cannot allow myself to have doubts about whether or not California is happening. Come May 2010, I will be getting assimilated to life in California again, living in the extra room at my Uncle’s house, hanging out with my best friend, driving around, working a halfway decent job, writing a little more music than I am now and realizing how lucky I am to have made it that far. “One day we’ll get out of this shitty apartment, One day is all it takes for things to turn around, Now all I know is I got you and you got me, babe, and when that morning comes I’ll make coffee and you’ll read the paper, we’ll talk about our plans and I’ll keep saying how lucky we are.”