Chapter 45: Pretend

Today was a pretty uneventful day. I woke up a little before my alarm went off at 11:30am, and fought off any urges to nap throughout the day. I didn't do any laundry or cleaning as I had hoped to. I also didn't finish the Florida Driver's Manual, although I am now over halfway through it. I watched a couple movies from IFC, including one that I had been wanting to see and searching for on DVD for well over a year now, called "Flakes." It was well worth the wait, I'd say. "Flakes" is the story of a musician who works in a cereal bar and puts all of his focus on that instead of making music. Clearly, this is a subject near to my heart. Up until recently, I was that guy. It's just really difficult finding the balance between the job that you need to do to earn money to survive and working on what you need to do to be happy with your life. In the movie, this guy has a wonderful woman named Miss Pussy Katz to help him out with this. Miss Pussy Katz is portrayed fabulously by one of my favorite actresses, Zooey Deschanel. She makes it her goal to get this cereal bar shut down and force him to focus on making music. Hilarity ensues. It was a really great, quirky indie movie and I absolutely loved it! Another movie that I watched today was something I just kinda saw in the guide and thought, "Eh, what the hell?" not really knowing what to expect of it. This movie was called "Pizza," and it was one big "WTF?" after another, in the best possible way. It is the story of a very strange, very overweight girl on her 18th birthday. She has no friends at all and is a general weirdo, but she has a lot of big ideas about life. I used to be that girl, too. Still am, in some ways. Anyway, this girl meets a pizza boy delivering to her house for her birthday party, which nobody is at, and randomly talks him into taking her with him on his deliveries for the night. It is one of the most random movies I have ever seen, but was absolutely brilliant because of it. It reminded me a lot of one of my other favorite indie movies, "Welcome To The Dollhouse." I highly recommend this movie to everyone.

Now that I have detailed my day, though, I have a very different idea about tonight's blog. Since it was such an uninteresting day, I was thinking about the fact that what I am doing here is trying to capture and tell the story of one year in my life. It dawns on me that while it is important to be in the present moment, you can't really fully capture the present without telling the stories from the past that have brought us to where we are, or discussing the future that we hope to see. While it would make more sense to tell stories from the past first, I am not in the mood to rehash old feelings tonight. Instead, I am in the mood for a little game of Pretend. So, what I am going to do is describe the type of life I plan to have at different points in the future, starting with immediately after this story of one year.

November 8th, 2010: I am writing this from the bedroom I acquired in my uncle's house in Reseda, California back in May. For a move across the country, it all went really smoothly. I was only without a job here less than a month. For the past 4 months or so I have been working in a little office building in Burbank doing my specialty: Answering phones. It's not so bad, really. I love the people that I work with and have made some really good friends here. None so good as my best friend, Don, though, who I have been seeing nearly every other weekend. The drive down to Palm Springs is actually really nice and I don't understand why people always bitch so much about it. I've also reconnected with a few friends from the past, which is cool. I love living here again, though, especially with my uncle and my cousins, all of whom I get along with really well. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been without it's struggles moving here. Los Angeles is a completely different world from Sarasota, and it has certainly taken some adjustment to get back into the California way of life but I feel like I am really getting used to it. I am even getting used to driving out here, which I was beginning to wonder if I ever would! I joined a gym recently here in Reseda. I really wanted to join one of those super-gay West Hollywood gyms but I don't know. They intimidate me a bit. Maybe once I have lost a little more weight, I'll give them a shot. I just hate the idea of being the fat guy that nobody wants to hook up with. Now that the blog is finished, it is time to get started on writing songs based on it. Sure, there are songs that I already have written from during the time that I was writing the blog, and I'm sure some of them will get put to use, but I kind of feel like it is a better idea to go back and read through the blog and write new songs based on the entries that really stick out to me along the way. Either way, I am really excited to get started on writing for this record. I am already saving up for studio time once I have the songs completed. One of my friends from work rooms with a guy who has a home studio and said he might see if he can get me a hook up with the guy. No matter what happens, though, I am getting so close to my dreams I can taste it. I can't wait to see where I will be a few years from now!

November 8th, 2013: It's been an interesting year for me, to say the least. I write this from first class on a flight to New York City. It's my first time ever flying first class and, I gotta say, it's definitely a step up from my days of taking a Greyhound cross country. I still sit back regularly and think about what my life used to be and feel extremely grateful for what it is now. A lot of this I knew would happen, but there are things that have happened that I never imagined myself doing in my wildest dreams. I own my own home! I never really thought I would ever do that! I mean, sure, it's a condo but that's a bigger commitment than I had ever dreamed of. Up until recently, I was sharing it with my boyfriend which made it all feel a little less... weird. Since the breakup, though, I have found that I kind of enjoy living on my own. I NEVER imagined I would say that! I think I may want to upgrade to an actual house eventually, though, because my new goal is to build a home studio and condo living doesn't necessarily suit that very well. It's really a silly goal to have at this point, anyway. I don't know how to produce my own record yet. I've only actually released the one officially so far. I mean, there was the "Story Of One Year," but that doesn't technically count. I didn't actually officially release that record, it was just a free download through my website. It is one of my greatest accomplishments, though, as it was the stepping stone to start this whole crazy ride. That free download from my website is what got me the notice of the label I am working with now. I know it is not what you hear from most artists, but I absolutely love my label. They put so much faith in me and give me so much freedom to do what I love, no matter how odd it may seem sometimes. My official debut album is one that is completely me from start to finish, and I am so grateful for that. I know it isn't something every artist can say and I remind myself constantly that I am incredibly fortunate to be working with the people that I am. I don't know if it's that I am dealing with an indie label or if there are majors like this, as well, but whatever it is, I wouldn't have it any other way. A lot of people have told me that there would be a lot more money for me at a label, and with the record I just released there seems to be interest from them but I just couldn't imagine leaving my label. They are far too good to me. Anyway, after my business in New York is handled, I am hoping to head down to Sarasota to pay a surprise visit to my sister and my friends out there. I am so glad I was able to talk my Mom into moving to California, though. Despite the fact that it was really a good thing for me to take the time away to learn how to stand on my own, I missed her so much and I really think she is much happier to be back in California, living so close to her brothers and sisters. I don't have the most money in the world at this point, but it is just an amazing feeling to be able to say to my Mom, "Hey, you don't have to worry about anything." That is one of the most gratifying parts of all of this for me. We are nearly to JFK, though, and any moment the flight attendants will be telling us to shut down the electrical devices. I am so excited for this trip, though. I'm doing a few shows at a small-ish venue in the city with some of my favorite NYC based artists, and hoping to line up a collaboration with one in particular. We'll see, though. This is only my third or fourth time visiting the city and I still feel like a bit of a tourist, but there is just something magical about it. I would like to get a second condo somewhere in NYC, as well. I don't really have a lot of use for one at this point, but maybe a few years down the road. Oops! There's the call to shut down devices! Talk later!

November 8th, 2018: Writing from my home in Malibu, CA. After my brief stint living in New York, I have really come to appreciate life in California so much more. I've been so busy lately! I've kind of been putting off beginning work on my 4th record because I have been so busy with other work. I signed a publishing deal recently with Sony that I am really excited about, and have just begun producing a record for an up-and-coming gay singer/songwriter. We've basically just been dicking around in my home studio, but I think it is going extremely well. This kid is so insanely talented, he makes my head want to explode! I've never been one to diminish or undersell my own talents, but this kid is so much better than I ever was! I am very proud to be such a big part of his first record because he is going to blow up! I've also been getting involved in a lot of charity groups recently. I just took my first trip to Africa a few months ago, and the progress there is amazing! There is still work to be done, though, of course. Still, seeing it now compared to 10 years ago is astonishing. No matter how rough the world may seem at times, it is moments like this that really remind you that there is still goodness in mankind. Of course, all of this other work I've been doing has got my label breathing down my neck. It kind of makes me miss my days back on the indie label, but after a certain point the transition to a major had to take place. I never dreamed my music would be as successful as it has become. I mean, here I am 35 years old and people are still interested. Sure, the demand isn't there like it was 5 years ago but I have a very loyal fanbase that I am incredibly grateful for. It's still hard to believe that I have been given the gift of travelling the world to perform for so many people. As grateful as I am that the people still want to see me, I am kind of dreading touring again. I think that may be why I am putting off working on the record. Don't get me wrong, I love performing. I love the stage. It just seems like the travel really gets to me while on tour. It is well worth it, of course, but every time I start thinking about touring again it all just seems so daunting. Of course, I am kind of anxious to get to my favorite part of the process: The studio. I feel like, in a lot of ways, I am more of a studio artist than a live artist. I just love the process of creating a record so much more than the process of going out and presenting it. Still, it has to be done and I love the fact that it gives me an opportunity to give back to the people who have put me in the position I am in today. No matter how much the travel may wear on me or how daunting it may all be, the one thing that I love the most about touring is being able to go out and connect with so many of the people who are responsible for the success I have enjoyed. So, maybe I will get to work on that new record soon. First, though, it is another day in the studio with that incredible kid I'm working with: I cannot wait for you guys to hear what we are working on! It is gonna be so crazy! In a couple weeks I have a few friends flying in from Florida for Thanksgiving, which I am super excited about! Initially, I was planning on preparing a full Thanksgiving dinner for them all, but I have since come to my senses and hired a caterer. I want to spend their time here enjoying their company, not cooking! I am also having my brother and sister over, as well as my Mom and aunt and uncles. It is funny to me how all of my family who had moved away from here for Florida have all wound up coming back. It's great to have them all here, though. The more I think about it all, my life right now, the more I realize that I have so much to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Catering is pretty high up on that list, too! Maybe I'll try preparing my own dinner next year... or maybe the year after that. We'll see.

November 8th, 2023: Wow. Despite the fact that I turned a few months ago, I still have so much trouble believing that I am 40! I don't feel 40. I don't think I look 40, and I certainly don't act 40. It's the younger hubby, I think. He keeps me young. We're going on 4 years now. Closer to 5 that we've been together, but 4 years of marriage. It's so funny to think about when I was in my 20s and really believed I would never get married. It was never that I thought it wouldn't become legal eventually, I just didn't think that was something that was meant to happen for me. I gotta say, I am so glad to have been proven wrong. My husband is my everything. He is in every song I write, every lyric I sing, every move I make. I still remember when we first met, we were introduced by our managers to collaborate on his first record. That record is still my favorite piece of work I have ever done. Every time I hear any of those songs I am taken back to that place when we were first falling in love. Fortunately, with him, I get to feel that fresh, new, falling in love feeling all the time. He's been so supportive of everything I do, every decision I make. Even the decision I made recently to take a career break. Of course, that break hasn't really been much of a break at all, as we have been working on his next record. What I have come to realize, though, is that when music is your job you don't have the option of taking breaks. It is always inside of you, and it is gonna find it's way out in one way or another. Six records and fifteen years in, though, it kind of felt like time to take a little time off. Initially, I was considering pursuing some other interests but soon realized I don't really have a lot of other interests to pursue. I have accomplished so many of my goals in life, and given up on some that I wasn't as passionate about, (like my dreams of becoming a designer on the side - the fashion industry is no place for me!) I don't know what comes next for my career, aside from a 7th record and the hubby's record. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. After accomplishing so many of my goals in life, and setting so many more for myself, it is kind of a wonderful feeling for me not having anything planned. As much as I have never really done it before, I love the idea of just being in the moment and seeing where it leads me. Right now, though, my husband is nagging me to get into the studio with him. Apparently, inspiration has struck! Let's see what kind of magic we can make this time!

Interesting where that went, when I let my mind wander around and consider what I really want in the long run. That was a fun experiment and kind of revealed things that I want out of life that I never realized before. I love putting myself in the places I hope to be someday and really letting my mind explore on that make believe plane of existence. It sounds like I have plotted out a pretty great life for myself, too. I know that this won't necessarily be the exact road that my life heads down, but I think it is a pretty good point of reference for heading into the future. We'll see how it goes. In the meantime, though, I have to go back to work tomorrow and should be getting to bed right about now. Maybe I will dream up more of my future while I am there!