Chapter 37: Don't Rain On My Parade

Today was an odd day. I woke up well around 12:45pm. My Mom had just gotten home from being out grocery shopping and things like that and was hungry and ready to go out for brunch. By the time we got to the Word Of Mouth Cafe, it was late enough that you couldn't really say we were having brunch anymore. It was just lunch. We both had tuna melts, which were pretty good. It is very rare that we go there and order anything but breakfast items, so I thought tuna melts were of note. While we were at lunch my Mom told me about a conversation she had with my sister and her girlfriend this morning. From the sounds, this conversation basically consisted of them saying how I could probably get one of the positions at work if I would just take it seriously. From the quotes that I got, their point of view on the matter is that I am irresponsible and don't take my job seriously and really don't think I'm going to end up going to California. This all just irritated and, even more, disappointed me. I have talked in this blog before about how disappointed I am with the fact that these people, my family members, who are supposed to support me and know me better than everyone else does really don't support me at all and make no effort to see my side of things. I am not angry about this, really, I am just extremely disappointed. I understand that they have what they believe to be my best interests in mind, but they are extremely off-base and don't care to see things from my perspective. It just feels really unfair of them. Such is life, though, I suppose.

This got me thinking about the eternal struggle of my life: Nobody takes me seriously. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled to be taken seriously. I can't think of a time in my life when I have ever really felt like anybody was taking me seriously. I mean, there are certain people who I think do but, as a whole, I don't think the people in my life have ever taken me seriously. It is my own fault, I know, because I have always put myself in a position not to be taken seriously. I act like I don't care about things and just try to have fun with them and, apparently, that makes people think that I am not being serious about things. Where anybody gets the right to make this assumption about me is anybody's guess, because I just don't see it. I have always been a person who internalizes the negative feelings I have and process them on my own later by writing songs about them or through some other creative outlet. Nobody recognizes that part of me, though. Why don't they? Because they don't care to. They'd rather hang on to their small-minded concepts of the person who I am when 90% of the people around me have absolutely no clue who I really am. Again, I can't really blame anybody else for this because the reason they have this very small, simple idea of me is because that is the image that I supply them with. I keep a very tight lock on myself, in a lot of ways, and I only show people what I want them to see. However, because I have supplied them with so much of the happy-go-lucky, fun parts of me when I attempt to show them other parts they don't care to see. Another reason for this, I think, is because I have always been a person who tries to look on the bright side of things and keep smiling through it all and, as sad as it is for this human race, people don't take positivity seriously. If you are a positive person people look at you as a dreamer or unrealistic or having your head in the clouds. I've seen it all of my life. Is that enough to make me change the person that I am? Absolutely not. All it really means is that I may never actually be taken seriously. That sucks, but I'd rather be happy than be seen as serious.

This reminds me of some of my biggest fictional influences. When I say fictional influences, I mean fictional characters from television or movies who have been big inspirations to me in life. There are three fictional characters who I have been able to relate to and draw inspiration from more than any others thus far in life: Tracy Flick, from the movie "Election," Elle Woods, from "Legally Blonde," and Rachel Berry, from the TV show "Glee." It never even dawned on me before right now that two of these characters were portrayed by the same person, Reese Witherspoon. She really is a brilliant actress, so that shouldn't be overly surprising. The thing that all three of these characters have in common, though, is that for one reason or another the people around them don't take them seriously. Much like all of these characters have done in their respective movies and TV shows, I don't have a single doubt in my mind of what I will accomplish in my life and will do everything in my power to make sure that my dreams come true and that I prove wrong every person that has doubted me along the way. It is not my life's goal to prove these people wrong or anything and I think by the time I have I won't even realize it but, from where I'm standing now, it is certainly something that will help drive me to stay focused on my goals. I just have to remind myself frequently that it doesn't make an ounce of difference whether or not anybody else believes in me because I believe in myself and that is the only thing I need. It also serves to remind me to appreciate the people who DO believe in me. Fortunately for me, there are more of them than I even realize. In fact, I think they may actually outweigh the ones who don't. Either way, I am going to achieve my dreams and anybody who doubts that is just plain wrong and does not have the power to shed a single drop of rain on my parade.

On to other topics, after our brunch/lunch my Mom and I decided to take a drive over the bridges and along the beaches here in town. That is the time when I think we bond the most. We do some of our best talking in the car, not heading anywhere in particular. One conversation we had today was inspired by a song playing on my iPod. The song was called "The Only Exception" by Paramore, from their most recent album "brand new eyes." It is a beautiful, acoustic ballad about seeing all of the examples of love going terribly wrong that one sees growing up in a broken home and finding yourself not believing that love actually exists, but with a chorus of "but you are the only exception." I was telling my Mom that I really feel that way sometimes, except that I haven't found an exception. As far as romantic relationships and the concept of love in that capacity, I haven't ever found an exception to the rule that it doesn't actually exist. Do I honestly believe that it doesn't exist? No, I can't really say that. Do I honestly believe that it isn't something that lasts a lifetime, or that it isn't the most important factor of our lives? ABSOLUTELY. I have always believed that people, in general, put far too much stock in that concept of love. Have I been in love before? I used to think so, but the answer is no... but at the same time, the answer is yes. I haven't been in love with another person, but I have found the love of my life. I have found the love that will always mean more to me than any love I could ever feel for another person; music is my true love. Barry Manilow has been quoted as saying that "music obliterates everything else in your life." That is something that I can absolutely, without a single doubt, agree with. There will never be another person, another thing, another place, anything in my life that will ever be more than second priority. This is a large part of why I have always said that I don't ever plan on marrying, if it were to FINALLY become legal, or having children. I am too selfish for these things... but, then again, no. It is not a matter of being selfish at all. It is not that I am selfish at all, it is that there is something considerably more important that I have to do with my life. To a lot of people that may sound incredibly selfish or make me sound like a bad person, but those people simply get added to the list of people who don't get to rain on my parade.

Last night I talked to my friend, Whitney, for a moment and we made plans to hang out this evening but I didn't wind up hearing from her until late in the afternoon, and that was to say that she wouldn't be available after all. No biggie, although we haven't really talked at all lately. I suppose it is just another in a long series of disconnects taking place in my life lately. It makes sense, I suppose. People know that I am not going to be around too much longer and they need their chance to disengage. Either that, or I need my chance to disengage. Whatever it is, it is clearly happening. There are quite a few people who seem to be pushing me away right now, (or maybe the other way around,) and where I am at right now I can't really bring myself to make the effort to try to hang on to them. I have to remain focused on what is in front of me right now, and that is learning to write my own music and doing what I need to prepare for my move back to California. It does, however, make me feel very grateful for the people who are still willing to make an effort to support me, like my friend Nate and Rachel, who wound up coming over at the spur of the moment this evening. I discussed the whole matter of the day regarding my sister and her girlfriend and my job with her, and she managed to shed some light on the matter. She seemed to think that my sister and her girlfriend's lack of faith in me may be just the type of tactic I was discussing above to disengage before I leave, or their tactic to try to convince me not to go. I am past the point of convincing, though. I am far too invested in this whole concept to turn back now. Rachel also took the viewpoint that I should still apply for the positions that are becoming available at work. Her reasoning was that it would look good on a resume for when I do move and have to find a job in California. She also said that being in management gives you a different perspective on things and kind of gives you more confidence in your life, both in and outside of work, and is a positive experience to have. She also felt that it would be good to do because I really have nothing to lose whether I get the position or not, which is an excellent point. I still don't know whether or not I will apply, but she definitely gave me a more to think about on the topic. My reactive self doesn't want to simply to spite my sister and her girlfriend for not having any faith in me and doesn't want to put any more effort than the bare minimum into this job. I know that is wrong, and I will do my best to resist that reactive behavior, but I am not sure whether that means I actually should apply for the position. I just know that if I do not, it can't be simply out of spite. This is something I am going to have to think long and hard about.

Aside from all of this emo talk I've been doing, I spent the evening working on learning my second song on the keyboard. I did not wind up going with an Alanis Morissette song, but went through a number of songs today before settling on one to focus on learning. I first tried to do "When You're Gone" by Avril Lavigne, and learned the intro but stopped before getting to anything else. I also attempted the song "Speechless" by Lady GaGa, which I fully intend to come back to, but stopped short of the chorus. Finally, this evening after Rachel left, I settled on something very simple: "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus. It is basically a matter of repeating the same four chords in different patterns throughout the entire song, which made it sound really simple but it is more difficult than I anticipated. I have pretty much got the chords down already, but have yet to pull it all together. Still, three days in and being at the point of pretty much being able to play one full song and in the midst of learning a second is pretty good, I think. I am absolutely in love with the keyboard, though, and couldn't be happier with the decision to purchase it.

Tomorrow? No plans, except NOT going to the Jingle Ball and meeting Adam Lambert. I wound up missing all the chances to win tickets on Friday and today. No big deal, really. It doesn't make a bit of difference in the grand scheme of things, although it would have been a very fun experience for sure. My life right now is not really about temporary fun, though. It is about something much bigger than that. It is about focusing and working towards achieving the goals I have set for myself. Any fun I may miss out on in the coming months is going to be well worth it in the long run, some day when I sit back and come to the realization that the dreams that I am dreaming right now have all come true. It will all be worth it then.

...and nobody will be able to rain on that parade.