Chapter 39: Stronger

Today has been an interesting day. I've been talking in this blog about how it has felt like there is a big disconnect going on lately between me and everyone else in my life. Today was kind of the opposite; there was a new sort of connectedness that took place today in some cases, and a return to the old familiar connectedness in some others. Either way, connections were strengthened and that is a very good thing, in some ways. I don't want to lose the bonds that I have made with certain people here when I leave, but I also don't want to become so ingrained into people's lives that it will be traumatic when I leave. I know, at the end of the day, that neither of these are major concerns and I need to just enjoy the moments that I still have here with these people while I'm here. I just have to remind myself of this frequently.

Work was quite a chore today. I didn't get near enough sleep last night and felt groggy all day long. The entire day just seemed to drag on and on. It also didn't help that absolutely nothing interesting took place while I was there. Apparently, a group of my co-workers arranged a Secret Santa type thing amongst themselves, which is nice but which I am not participating in. I am serious about this whole "no Christmas" thing. I don't want to deal with it, and it seems to have become the general consensus amongst people in my life that this is just a good idea. It seems like a lot of people I know aren't doing gifts this year. It's a good plan, especially for somebody like me who is single and doesn't have any children in their life or anything. Why go through the stress of it all? Also, why spend money you can't really afford to? I really hate being in a position where I have to say words like, "I can't afford it." It's not a fun place to be, and one I have become unused to. It is a good thing for me, though, in the long run. As I've mentioned previously, I've spent the past few years with my head in the clouds and this period I am going through right now only serves to get my feet back on solid ground and make me appreciate it so much more once I get back to a place where I CAN afford to live with my head in the clouds.

While I was at work I received a text message from a good friend of mine asking if we could talk later, which was kind of unexpected. This person is somebody that I have always been close with, but not somebody who has ever really been one to really confide in me, or anyone else for that matter. They said they needed someone to talk to, though, and chose me. I have come to believe that when somebody confides in us or seeks our advice what they are actually doing is inviting us to be of assistance to them. I have always believed that we, as human beings, are at our very best when we are being of service to others. So, by allowing us to be the sounding boards for their issues or dilemmas in life, people are actually inviting us to be at our very best. I always try to bear that in mind when I am approached like this. So, after work I had a long conversation with this person and, while I will not go into details about their situation, I will simply say that I feel extremely grateful to this person for opening up to me in a way that they never had before and allowing me to be the person they turn to in times like these. It is a very good feeling.

After that, my friend Rachel came over for a while. I am definitely enjoying these unexpected visits she is paying lately. It is good to see her a little more than usual lately. It reminds me of back when we worked together and first started hanging out. I have missed hanging out with Rachel. It is interesting because she and I have very different lifestyles and would seem, to an outsider, to not have a ton in common. There is a very strong bond between us, though, and I am very grateful to have her in my life. I think I need a personality like hers around. She is a very free-spirited, wild child type and is a little mad, which somehow tends to bring out the more quiet, reserved side of me. I love this because it seems like most of my other friends tend to bring out the more mad, free-spirited, wild child side of me. That side of Rachel puts that side of me to shame, though, and it is nice to be around somebody who makes me feel a little more calm and reserved. Like I said, it has been really good spending a little more time than usual with her lately.

I also spent a little while this evening watching last night's "Christmas At The White House: An Oprah Prime Time Special." It seems like it is not the most popular opinion in the world right now, but I still have a lot of faith and hold out a lot of hope for our president, Barack Obama. People seem to have the general opinion that he hasn't done enough but I don't think they're looking at the big picture. We haven't seen any major results but he has set the ball in motion on a lot of things that will ensure this country doesn't downward spiral any further than it already has. I feel like his legacy will be more one of having stabilized and strengthened the future for this country, as opposed to one of coming in and making magic with direct results. Unfortunately, I am beginning to wonder if that will be enough to get him re-elected in 2012. Hopefully we will see some of the results of his works before then to really show people that he has been an effective president and has done the best job anyone could, considering the pile of dog shit that he stepped into. I know that there are some areas where he could have made immediate difference, like eliminating Don't Ask Don't Tell or various other parts of the civil rights movement for the GLBT Community. These are issues that are just as important as healthcare, the economy and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan but perhaps are not quite as immediately pressing as those. While gay rights are certainly a major issue within the GLBT community, the majority of the world is considerably more concerned with the economy and the wars. You can't really blame him for focusing on these matters. I have never been one of those "Just Stand By Your President" types, (how could anyone be coming out of the Bush administration?) but in this case I just feel really strongly that he is doing everything he possibly can to turn this country around and we should praise him for that, not criticize him for not working as quickly as we would like. It makes me think of all those silly conspiracy theories floating around the internet before the election about him being the anti-Christ, sent here to charm the pants of the world before bringing on the apocalypse. Looks like those people were wrong, because he has not positioned himself by any means to come across as the world's savior at this point. They may want to take a long, hard look at Oprah, though.

After this special ended, I spent a while on the phone with Whitney. It was nice to talk to her and very reassuring, considering my jumping to conclusions a couple entries ago in this blog. We didn't really have a lot of anything specific to talk about but still spent over an hour on the phone. I love that we have that kind of friendship. It kind of reminds me of back in the day with Don or with one of my best friends, Alyssa, where we could just sit on the phone for hours talking about nothing in particular. It makes me kind of sad that I don't have the ability to do that anymore. An hour on the phone with Whitney was enough to push back my nightly schedule considerably and leave me writing this blog considerably later than I normally would, and thus going to bed later than I normally would. Hopefully this doesn't equate to tomorrow being another day like today. I don't think it will, though. In order to ensure that is not the case, though, I should probably get to bed pretty quick.

One last thing, though. My sister picked me up and drove me home from work today and we had a good talk about work and about the positions opening up. She pretty much holds that there really aren't any real candidates for them at this point. Neither of us brought up the concept of me possibly applying for them. I also didn't address the fact that I was so upset with the fact that she doesn't think I am being responsible or taking things seriously because at this point, I don't really see the point of it. I'm over being upset about it and don't really feel the need to bring it up and allow her to explain her reasoning to me, especially because I think that would only serve to make me upset about it all over again. I just need to try to focus on enjoying the time I have left here with her and her girlfriend and their family. They can think what they want about me and my work. It doesn't make a difference to me. What would make a difference to me is if I allowed something like this that doesn't make a difference to me cause a rift between us right before I move across the country and am no longer seeing them regularly. So, I am simply letting go of it.

One more last thing, the new Mary J. Blige record leaked! I have an odd relationship with Mary J. Blige. I think she is an absolutely amazing artist and have enjoyed her music immensely over the years, but for some reason never get excited when she is releasing a new record until it has already been released, (or leaked,) and I have actually listened to it. This new record, entitled "Stronger withEach Tear," included. I have been listening to it the whole time I have been writing this blog, and I must say it is pretty brilliant. It certainly lives up to her other albums and has some stylistic experimentations that I am absolutely loving. My favorite track is probably one that is listed as a Bonus Track, called "Stronger." It is essentially a song about being strong on your own, but letting the people around you make you even stronger. That is something I can really relate to, and makes me think of all the people mentioned in this blog and so many others. Another song that I have fallen in love with is called "Kitchen," which has a classic 60s soul sound and delivers it's message in a very fun, inventive way. The chorus says, "I don't know it all but I'll tell you what I know, never let a girl cook in your kitchen, All up in your fridge and next it'll be the stove, never let a girl cook in your kitchen." It is a song about not letting another girl get too involved in your relationship because she will swoop in and try to steal your man, but presented in the most fun, spunky, unique way. Other favorites include, "The One," which features the adorable Drake, "I Feel Good," "Each Tear" and "I Can See In Color (from the motion picture 'Precious.')" Overall, it is a completely solid record and one of my immediate favorites of hers. I just love the fact that Mary J. Blige, as an artist, consistently spreads a message of rising above the adversity in your life and about standing strong and standing up for yourself in relationships. I am really a big fan of any artist that is consistent in spreading positive messages, but it is always better when they can remain fresh, interesting and unique while spreading the same message. Mary J. Blige is a goddess, really, and I absolutely adore her.

It is almost 2am now, and I absolutely must get to bed.