Chapter 47: Lifetime

After spending the past two blog entries looking to other places in time, tonight seems like time to bring it back to the present. Today wasn't an overly interesting day, but I suppose they can't all be. It was, at least, better than the past two days where not much of anything at all happened. As I mentioned in Sunday night's blog, I basically spent that entire day watching movies. Monday was back to work, and it was pretty boring.

The highlight of Monday for me? The new Katharine McPhee record, "Unbroken" leaked. Katharine McPhee was the runner up, and should have been the winner, of American Idol season 5. She's not the greatest technical singer in the world, but that season was pretty lackluster, as far as talent went, and she was a clear best amongst the group, (along with Chris Daughtry.) Her first album was an interesting collection of songs and definitely had it's share of really great songs, but she was doing this "urban" style of pop that just didn't work all that well for her, and really shone the most on the ballads of the record. Shortly after that album, she was dropped by her label and took to acting for a little while. Finally, after a while of not hearing much from her for quite some time, she released a new single called "Had It All," from her second record on a new indie label. "Had It All" was a complete breath of fresh air and the first time I heard it, I thought, "Ah, she's finally found her niche!" The more I heard interviews with her about the new record, as well as a couple leaked demos of songs from the album, (sung by Kara Dioguardi,) I found that "Had It All" was only a small hint of what was to come with this new sound she had taken on. The album is reminiscent of Paula Cole and more recent Mandy Moore. It's folksy, guitar-based pop and singer-songwriter style acoustic stuff. In other words, it is right up my alley! She even goes so far as covering one of my favorite folk-pop songs from back in the 70s, "Brand New Key" by Melanie. That is one of my favorite tracks on the album, too. Her cover stays faithful to the original, but with a much better vocal. My favorite track on the album, by far, is "Say Goodbye." It is a simple ballad about letting go and disengaging from someone in order to ease the pain of separation. The lyrics have a recurring theme of feeling like you're acting, including my favorite verse, "I feel just like an actress up on a stage, I can't believe what I'm hearing myself say, and the porchlight is my spotlight so I play along with this lie, that way it won't hurt so much when we say goodbye." It is a beautiful, heartbreaking song and one I can relate to in a lot of ways right now. Another favorite track of mine is called "Terrified," a duet with the songwriter Jason Reeves. It is a song about falling in love, and how terrifying the experience can be. The whole album is pretty brilliant, although I will admit to being slightly underwhelmed at first listen. It isn't really one of those records that grabs you right off the bat but after my first listen of the album and my underwhelmed reaction, I couldn't help but want to listen to it again... then again, and again. The more I listened to it, the more I realized what a strong collection it is. It is a beautiful record, and comes with a very high recommendation from me.

Last night after having written the blog yesterday about my two most significant, (and short, oddly,) relationships, I was left kind of reliving a lot of those times. It was a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, which makes sense because that point in my life or those relationships were certainly an emotional rollercoaster. I was alright, but just a little... off. So, when my friend Whitney called me to discuss some amazing news that has taken place in her life recently, I don't know that I was the best conversationalist in the world. She told me something that kind of struck me in a way, though. Apparently, she and another friend of ours were having this conversation about me and my plans to move to California and such, and this other friend of ours said something along the lines of, "Well, he's probably pretty scared." Odd as it may seem, this really struck me because I hadn't really thought about it in that way. I guess there really is a lot to be afraid of: I could go out there and fall right back into the way of life I lived there before and completely crash and burn all over again. I could go out there and find it impossible to find a job and just be a complete bum like I was before. I could go out there and outstay my welcome with who I wind up staying with and spend the next several years couch-surfing, like I did before. Essentially, the biggest fears involved are that I will go out there and revert back to the type of life I lead when I was there before. These thoughts have all crossed my mind many times in contemplating this whole move, but they have never been an aspect I have gotten stuck on. I think the reason for this is that, no matter how much I am aware of the things I am capable of in the wrong direction and know it probably wouldn't take all THAT much to cause a big backwards slide, I also know that the person I was before will always be a part of me (and one that could easily resurface,) but it is not the predominant part of me anymore. I am a vastly improved version of that person and know better than to allow myself to fall into the same problems I had before. I am much stronger than I ever have been before and I have learned a LOT about what is right and what is wrong for me. I think I have always known that, really, but now I am strong enough to really apply that information.

The other reason I have never really thought about the whole moving across the country thing as being scary is because, as crazy as it sounds, I have already seen exactly what is meant to happen. I haven't seen the entire road there, but I have seen the first steps that I need to take and I have seen the destination. As far as I am concerned, these things are enough to allow me to dive right into this and not be afraid of anything. I had a vision, of sorts, and I saw exactly where I am meant to go in my life. I know what I have to do to get there: Move to California. Crazy as it may seem, I have absolute faith in this vision and that allows me to take the appropriate steps, as giant as they may be, without any fear. It's kind of like the members of that Heaven's Gate cult who bravely committed mass suicide because they had such a strong faith in where they were headed. Okay, not EXACTLY like that, but I'm sure you can see what I mean. Faith can be a crazy thing, and BLIND faith can be even worse. I don't believe that my faith is blind, though. I haven't been able to find a way to make anybody understand the sheer intensity of the signs that I saw or the vision I had, which, by the way, wasn't an actual vision, but something I don't really know how to explain... it was a road laying out before me. I have tried to explain it to a few different people, and I just don't know how to make them understand. At the end of the day, it doesn't really make any difference at all whether or not anybody else understands. I just really feel like... well, like another song from the Katharine McPhee record says, "this could be the moment that turns into a lifetime..."

One other thing that kind of needs to be discussed here is my day at work. I have realized something about myself in my workplace: I can see both sides of virtually every situation but it takes me a minute, and I often wind up speaking before I get to that point. The saga with my co-worker who annoys everybody continues, and a conflict took place today. There were raised voices and people calling each other childish and nosy, etc., etc., etc. All very inappropriate for the production floor. What else is new, though? My team at work are a group of people who are very good about keeping conversations completely inappropriate and I am in on that just as much as anybody else. What I am better about, though, is avoiding conflicts. Unfortunately, this conflict today may wind up equating to some pretty harsh changes in the workplace, namely a crackdown on conversation in general on the floor. Work is going to become very boring if we aren't allowed to talk to each other about anything aside from work and, if that is to become the case, I expect quite the backlash. After a conversation I had with one of my co-workers today, though, I am actually feeling kind of optimistic about my prospects for the promotion I had discussed previously in the blog a time or two. I did wind up applying for it, and from what I have heard I am one of very few. I think there may have been one other person who applied, and I don't really think they are much in the way of competition. I could be wrong but, either way, the more I think about the whole thing the more I realize how good it would be to go to California with a resume that includes a position in management, even if it is only for a brief period. We'll see, though. I just have to remind myself that whichever way it goes, it doesn't make a difference at all in the long run. We'll see, though. As far as the promotion goes, if I were to get it, the only issue I could really see is having to be an authority type to the people I work with currently. The other team that I would be dealing with aren't really a concern to me because, frankly, they are nicer. I don't think it would really be an issue, considering I get along well with everybody there and am excellent at maintaining a positive, upbeat attitude with people even when they annoy me or I am having to tell them something bad. I don't know what's gonna happen, as far as that goes, but if I do get it I think the advantages will far outweigh the disadvantages.

Now that the day is over, I sit here in front of the computer listening to "Dolly: Live From London," and getting ready for bed. I don't know if I've mentioned it here before, but I absolutely love Dolly Parton and her music is always a way for me to feel a little better about the world when I have had a bad or stressful day. Today wasn't entirely bad or stressful but it was certainly LONG and, as it turns out, Dolly is also good for just unwinding and relaxing. Still, listening to Dolly, my mind keeps going back to that Katharine McPhee song I mentioned earlier: "always remember that your better days are ahead, squeeze them tight and don't forget, differences are differences, all the dreams in your life that you've been letting go, blink and then you'll miss them and you'll never know, oh this could be the moment that turns into a lifetime..."