Chapter 48: Empire State Of Mind, Part II: Broken Down

I have absolutely no motivation to write this blog tonight. I just feel exhausted; mentally exhausted. It's kinda funny, too, considering there really isn't all that much of significance going on around me. It isn't really about what's going on around me, though. It is about the seeds being planted around me; The things that are on the verge of happening but have not happened yet, and the decisions I have to make that will affect those things. I am having this problem lately, though, that is really effecting me in the worst possible ways. That problem is this: I have already checked out of my life here. Decisions that need to be made and tasks that need to be completed here all feel really unimportant to me because whatever comes of any of it isn't something I'll have to deal with for long. I have trouble remembering that the world does not revolve around me, though, and have to keep reminding myself that Florida will not just stop existing once I leave. The decisions that I make here and the tasks that I fail to complete will have an effect on the people who will still be here after I leave. It's just become so difficult for me to really feel present here, because my mind has already packed up and moved.

The chorus to the recently dethroned number one song in the country, "Empire State Of Mind" by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys says, "Even if it ain't all it seems, I got a pocketful of dreams, Baby, I'm from New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, There's nothing you can't do, Now you're in New York, These streets will make you feel brand new, Big lights will inspire you, Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York..." Replace New York with Los Angeles and you can see exactly where my head is at. Admittedly, my head is a little closer to the Alicia Keys solo version, "Empire State Of Mind, Part II: Broken Down." It is a beautiful song, (both versions are,) but the Alicia Keys version is really close to my heart. It is basically a song about growing up in a big city, trying to make your dreams come true. That has been my mission all along but for the past 5 years I have been on sabbatical of sorts. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 5 years, honestly. Actually, that is a lie. The past 5 years have been spent growing into a fully functional adult who will be capable of really actively pursuing his dreams and will be ready to handle them once they do finally come true. That mission has been accomplished now, though, and it is time to get back to my own concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There ISN'T anything I can't do. Those streets WILL make me feel brand new. The bright lights WILL inspire me. Let's hear it for LA!

Alicia Keys has been an extremely pleasant surprise to me recently. Like I said before, I absolutely loved her first album but kinda liked each album after that a little less. The new album, "The Element Of Freedom" is absolutely my favorite of her records, though, and it has totally inspired me to go back and reassess my thoughts on the other albums. While I still connect to the first record more than the other two, listening to them all again, I have realized that I think each album has gotten better than the previous. I mean this in terms of the technicals. Each album has gotten a little slicker, the production has gotten a little bit better while never robbing the songs of their emotional core, (which often happens when production gets bigger.) Her music has also inspired me a LOT lately, particularly because she is a classically trained pianist but has found a way to make current, modern music with that training. Also, I love that she writes such introspective, insightful, emotionally-charged lyrics to catchy melodies. She is an immense talent, and I am officially in love with her. I have always been a fan, but I have completely fallen in love with her since hearing "The Element Of Freedom." I am making it my new mini-project to learn some of her songs on the keyboard.

It's just becoming so frustrating lately dealing with all of the bullshit involved in my day-to-day life, particularly in the workplace. I am just so anxious to get started on my new life. I know that I need to deal with this life first, and it will all be so much sweeter being able to go back there and say that I left here with everything resolved and knowing that the people I care about here are taken care of. The universe is setting up my exit to be absolutely perfect, and I just have to be patient. Despite my many virtues, patience is one I do not possess. So, I will just have to force it to exist in me, or prove myself wrong by finding that it is already there. That doesn't make it any less difficult dealing with the dramas going on around me... especially when there always manages to be some way for me to get involved in these dramas. At the place that shall not be named for security purposes, my co-workers and I all work in pretty close proximity. Because of the closeness in which we work, when there is a conflict between two people it never takes long for it to escalate into full-blown drama. As I mentioned in last night's blog post, one such drama took place yesterday... and today the "investigation" began. Apparently, in the midst of this investigation some allegations were made that could be detrimental to people who I care about a lot and, of course, it just so happens that I am able to debunk them. As soon as the drama happened yesterday, I just knew somehow I would wind up dragged into it. It's nobody's fault really, and of course I am going to do what I have to do to clear the matter up for people who it could wind up harming. Still, I find the whole situation, and the fact that I have to get involved in any way, extremely annoying. As I said, though, no matter how annoying it may be I don't really have a choice but to step in and do what I can to make things right. I just wish people could learn to take a step back from these situations before flying off the handle. I don't understand why it is so difficult for certain people to just avoid being an idiot and keep their mouths shut. I know I may not have the most patience, but I do know how to control my mouth and I find that to be a very important quality; one that it seems not many possess.

Aside from all of that, it was a pretty relaxed day at work. The rest of our program had their Secret Santa gift exchanges and such, while I sat in my cubicle and was all "Bah Humbug" about it all. I had some good conversations with a few of my co-workers today, which is always pleasant, and just spent the day waiting for the end of the day. It felt like it was never going to come, though. This day, in particular, felt unbearable. We were extremely slow and spent much of today just sitting around not doing much of anything. I kept trying to hit up my sister to make plans for this weekend, mainly so I could get out of the house this weekend while my Mom has her boyfriend here. My sister, however, pretty much refused to commit to anything. It was irritating, but I can't really blame her for it since she doesn't really know her own plans for Christmas or the weekend. One thing I am very glad for, though, is getting Christmas out of the way finally. I don't have a gift for my Mom, which really sucks. Despite the fact that my brother, sister and I all agreed we weren't going to do presents for each other, we all still said we would be buying presents for my Mom. Still, I am here without any gift for my Mom. I feel pretty shitty about that, honestly, but I never had the time or the opportunity to go find anything for her. It sucks but she isn't expecting anything from me, anyway, so I guess she won't be disappointed. I absolutely hate Christmas this year. It just serves as one big reminder that my life is kind of in fail mode right now. That is actually not true at all: My life is nowhere near fail mode. My life is absolutely on the right track. It is headed in the right direction. It just isn't there yet and, as I have been saying, that is extremely frustrating to me.

What else is frustrating me right now? The fact that it is almost midnight and I have to be to work at 8am tomorrow. I requested the day off, not officially, but we are working on half staff and there were 6 slots available for people to take the day off for Christmas Eve. I told my sister that I would not mind taking the day off if those 6 slots were not filled, so she gave me one of them. After all 6 slots were filled, another co-worker decided she wanted the day off, too, so my sister told her she should ask me about it. This girl asked me, and like a sucker I gave up my slot for her. It's not a big deal, but at this point I am a little annoyed at myself because I could spend tomorrow just chilling at home and instead I have to go sit in that place for eight hours. It all feels like such a waste of time. I know it isn't, though. I just need to remind myself constantly that I need this job for the next six months, and can't afford to fuck around and lose it. I really don't foresee myself being in any danger of losing my job, but I also need to continue performing it up to my personal standards. Like I said, it is very important to me to make an appropriate exit from the state of Florida, and I know that the universe is working in my favor. The only thing that can possibly stand in my way at this point is myself, and I absolutely refuse to get in my own way in this case. After all, "Baby, I'm from LA, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing I can't do, Now I'm in LA, These streets will make me feel brand new, big lights will inspire me, let's hear it for LA, LA, LA..."