Chapter 28: Feels Like Home

I woke up this morning to a tweet from John Mayer, (not a tweet directed at me, although I have been pretty expert at getting my favorite celebrities to talk to me on Twitter, namely Chris Carrabba of Dashboard Confessional, Jewel and Darren Hayes,) but a tweet that I found pretty interesting. It was a link to a video by a singer named Orianthi. I had heard the name around a bit, mainly because she was set to be the lead guitarist for Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour and is widely featured in the film of the same name. I was automatically indifferent to her at that point, mainly because I was never really a big fan of Michael Jackson and find it kind of awful how he was suddenly "the greatest entertainer of all time" after dying. It just seems wrong to me. The man was a complete joke to everyone for the last 10 years or so of his life, but as soon as he died the entire world suddenly remembered that he had some talent before being accused of child molestation. Don't get me wrong, I don't discredit his talent. He definitely was amongst the greatest entertainers of our time, his work was simply never my cup of tea. I don't really like his voice and rarely liked his music. That is neither here nor there, though. I am not talking about Michael Jackson here, I am talking about Orianthi. As it turns out, her music is exactly my cup of tea. The link that John Mayer posted was to the video for her debut single, "According To You," which I immediately fell in love with and had to seek out her album after hearing it. The album is absolutely amazing! First thing I could think of while listening to her music was, "Wow, I can see why she was Michael Jackson's lead guitarist!" The woman has some insane solos on her album. You know the type of solos that normally don't get used on more pop-oriented records, but are really played up when those artists go on tour? Her album is full of those. That is probably my favorite part of the album; it is a studio album, but it really has the live music feel to it. Listening to her album, she is an artist that I would absolutely love to see in concert because the songs already automatically lend themselves to that. I think that is the beauty of an artist who has previously been strictly an instrumentalist; they really put a lot into the music on their records. Kind of like John Mayer. The album is called "Believe" and it has a pop/rock/country fusion sort of vibe, but with very heavy guitar focus. My favorite track on the record is probably one called "Bad News," which is one of the less raucous tracks on the album, and has a simple, beautiful message. In general, though, the album feels very large and full of fun, wild, upbeat rock type tracks, with a country twinge. The first single, "According To You," is another favorite of mine. It is simply a song about how you can be one man's trash, but another man's treasure. I love that concept because it is so rooted in truth. No matter how much one person treats you like shit, there is always somebody out there who is going to treat you like the queen, (or king, I suppose,) that you are. Another track on the album that I really love is called "Feels Like Home," which is essentially about that person or thing that can make you feel at home no matter where you are. I love that concept, too, although it isn't exactly one that I can relate to. I don't think I have found that thing yet, honestly. I think this is mainly because I haven't found that place that really feels like home. I can't feel at home because I don't know what home feels like yet.

My closest concept of what I imagine a true "home" must feel like is almost 4 years ago, in May of 2006, when I flew out to California to see Madonna. I was very proud of myself because that was the first time in my life that I had ever taken a real vacation, not to mention one that I completely funded on my own. It was a moment where I felt very strong and self-sufficient. While I was there, as opposed to funding my own hotel stay for the time I was staying, I went and stayed with my Aunt and Uncle who live in Reseda, my favorite part of the San Fernando Valley. For the bulk of my stay, I pretty much just stayed at their house. I didn't go out a lot until my last couple days, when I actually went to the concert and Don and I went out partying in LA to celebrate the joy that is seeing Madonna, (and seeing her on opening night!) During the week while I was there, I pretty much kept to the house and hung out with my favorite Uncle. A lot of my time there was spent sitting in their backyard smoking. I don't know how to explain it exactly, but their backyard was an extremely peaceful place for me. There were times when I would finish my cigarettes and just sit out there, staring at the sky and I just felt completely at peace with myself. That, I would say, is probably what home feels like. It should come as no surprise, then, that this is the same house where I am hoping to live if everything goes as planned and I wind up moving back to California.

I spent this morning listening to the Orianthi album and perusing the internet before getting ready for work. My Mom's account has put a limit on the overtime they are allowed to get, which worked out pretty perfectly because now she is going in to work at the same time that I am. When I arrived at work I was a little surprised to find that my friend/co-worker/cubicle neighbor was not there. I don't know why exactly, but I was really certain that today was Wednesday and not Thursday. This week seems to have gone by really quickly, and I am really glad that it did. Tomorrow is already Friday, and even though I can't really afford to do much, I am glad to see the weekend here. Plus, my Mom is home this weekend, with no boyfriend in sight, so we can actually spend a little time together, which haven't really gotten to do much of in the past couple of weeks. I don't know what we'll do, but whatever it is, I'm sure we'll have a good time. I am mainly just ready to spend a couple of days away from work again. It's not that the job is that bad. I don't entirely hate it. I think the matter is that, as I mentioned yesterday, I have gotten to a point where I just don't give a shit about it. It almost feels like a waste of my time. I know that is not true. I absolutely need my job for the next six months or so. It doesn't appear at all that I am in danger of losing my job for any reason, but I watched one member of my team get fired a couple weeks ago. Today a member of another department, seperate from but equal to mine, got fired. This one was pretty bad, too, because this woman was a friend of mine and gave me a ride home every night. So, aside from losing a friend of mine, I have also lost my mode of transportation to get home every day. More than anything, though, it does kind of put a bit of fear into me. In both of these cases, these people had to know that this was coming. They were let go for very specific reasons, neither of which are issues that I have. I really don't foresee any major issues in my future at this job, but I also know that you should never let yourself get too comfortable in any situation because that is exactly when your situation will change. I simply need to focus on my job, no matter how much it feels like a waste. It is an absolute necessity and will serve me well once I do get to California. If nothing else, it's a little more experience on the resume. In the current LA job market, as I understand it to be, the more positive experience the better.

The day passed fairly quickly, which I think is due to the fact that it was considerably less busy than the rest of the week has been. I had more admin work to do than usual, and also wrote two new songs today, so I was able to focus on other things. That, for me, is always the key to making the work day pass quickly. Funny how I wondered why they didn't consider me ready for management before? Honestly, if and/or when they do post the team lead position again, I don't know if I am even going to bother applying for it. I know that I should, because even if I get it and wind up moving a few months later, I will have management on my resume when I get to California. At the same time, though, I would feel kind of bad leaving them in the lurch by leaving. Mainly, I would feel bad because this wouldn't just be leaving some random boss in the lurch. It would be leaving my sister and her girlfriend in the lurch, which I really would not want to do. I don't know what I will do. I suppose I'll figure it out when the time comes. Either way, though, I am not going to stress myself out over it like I did before. If I wind up applying, whether or not I get it doesn't make an ounce of difference in the grand scheme of things. What does make a difference is me learning how to drive, and me buying my keyboard and learning to write music, and me recording a record. Once those things happen, this job will be nothing but a brick in the road. What I need to remind myself of, though, is that every brick is as important as the others, and I need to make the most of them and recognize them as the way that I am going to get where I need to be.

After work, the evening has been pretty mellow. My Mom came home and we got dinner from our favorite place to eat out: Gyros & Seafood. We brought it home and watched last night's "Glee" again while we ate. My Mom seems a little down lately, and I know exactly why. She HATES her job. It makes me sad, but I honestly don't know what to tell her. I don't like it there much, either, and I would love to see her find another job that pays her like her last one did and that she enjoys more than this one. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this happens sometime fairly soon. I am really hoping to see this happen before the lease runs out on this apartment. I am just really hoping that she is in a much more stable position in life by then. It would really make me feel much more comfortable with leaving. I know that it is going to happen. The universe is working with me on this, and it will ensure that my Mom is in a good place for me to step away and off into my life in California. When I think about it, the only thing that I can really think of that could make me stay is my Mom. If she were not in a place where she could get by on her own, I simply can't imagine how I would be able to leave. This is why, as I said, this will not be the case. I am certain that everything is going to continue falling into place to make this move happen for me.

Now it is nearly 11:30pm, and I am getting a little tired. I am sitting here listening to the recent re-release of Sheryl Crow's debut album, "Tuesday Night Music Club," which is one of my favorite albums of all-time. The re-release includes a second disc of tracks recorded at the time that didn't wind up on the album. My favorite of these tracks is probably one called, "Killer Life." It is one of those classic Sheryl Crow tracks, making a comment on the state of the world at the time, comparable to "A Change (Would Do You Good,)" "The Na Na Song," "Everyday Is A Winding Road," or "Soak Up The Sun." These types of tracks, honestly, have never been my favorites of hers, but "Killer Life" is a total standout, and honestly still feels really relevant to right now. Another song on this bonus disc is a cover of Eric Carmen's classic, "All By Myself." This is a song that has been covered incessantly, but Sheryl Crow really does justice to the original. She has one of those voices that really emanates the pain and longing that the song displays. Sheryl Crow, as I may have mentioned previously in this blog, is one of my biggest musical inspirations. I really feel like my biggest songwriting inspirations are the female singer-songwriters of the 90s that I was listening to when I began writing songs myself. These artists, including Sheryl Crow, Alanis Morissette, Jewel, Liz Phair, Sarah Mclachlan and Fiona Apple, are all artists that I still listen to regularly and still inspire much of what I write. They all exemplify the type of artist that I aspire to be, even though I don't necessarily aspire to make music in the style that they do.

I am going to make this happen for myself. It is not a choice. It has been pre-determined and has revealed itself to me. It showed me what my life is meant to be, and I would be an absolute fool not to follow where it leads. I know, this is probably getting redundant, but this really is the center of my life right now. It is what I KNOW my life is meant to become, and I have been given the challenge of making it happen. So, what am I going to do? Somehow, some way, I am going to make it happen. Right now, though, I am going to bed and trying my best to not get ahead of myself in life.