Chapter 43: Change

It seems like a recurring theme, whether I have discussed it here or not, that I can't seem to make it through a single day lately without feeling like I've pissed somebody off. In many of these cases, it has been that nobody was pissed off at all but in some they actually were. I don't know what to do about this at all. I can't figure out what it is that I am doing that keeps making me feel this way. In today's case, though, I can honestly say that I really didn't do anything wrong. Of course, I also don't have any real evidence that this person is pissed off at me. I am basically just working with a slight hunch and a lack of response out of them. Without going into details about the situation, I said something to a friend of mine last night that I guess could have implied that I did something wrong. I got a short response, and only gave a minor explanation and haven't heard from them since. What may have been slightly implied in the conversation didn't actually happen, and the pissed off person may not have even caught the implication, but the lack of response has made me a little paranoid. It's probably residual paranoia left over from all the other days of thinking I've pissed people off. I just can't seem to catch a break! In this case, though, I have the best defense possible: I didn't do anything wrong. Despite my penchant for having loose lips, they have been locked tight lately and I haven't gone off and run my mouth to anybody. I just wish I could explain that to the person who may or may not be pissed off at me. Or maybe I don't even need to. This is shitty.

I didn't wake up until 8:30am this morning because I had some overtime at work and didn't have to go in until 10:45am, so it was a very relaxed morning. I took a nice, long shower using my new favorite product in the world: Ulta's Berrylicious Shower Smoothie, which is a combination shampoo, shower gel and bubble bath. It makes me come out of the shower smelling like a cupcake or candy or something else extra fruity. How appropriate, right? I have this problem lately, though, where no matter what time I wake up or what time I am supposed to be at work, I always push off getting ready for work until the very last minute, then I have to rush. I don't know why that is but even this morning with my long shower I had to rush as soon as I got out. I keep getting to work just barely being on time. This is definitely something I need to work on.

Once I got to work, there wasn't a whole lot going on. I got a decent QC, (quality control,) which I was slightly surprised by because my sister's girlfriend is doing them since our previous QC left and she has a tendency to be a little more harsh than a regular QC. I also continued work on my "Radio Ga Ga" picture, complete with visual references to the era like a heart made of glass, ("Heart Of Glass" by Blondie,) a bloodthirsty royal, ("Killer Queen" by Queen,) and a person hanging from a telephone chord, ("Hanging On The Telephone" by Blondie.) I have decided that once I have completed drawing this picture I want to somehow figure out a way to get a large painting of it done. I am trying to talk my sister into doing it, as she is the visual artist of the family, but it isn't exactly the type of thing she normally does. We'll see. I certainly don't want to paint it myself. I am not good at painting. I'm barely good at drawing, but I get by. I am, by no means, an artist in that sense. I am really good at coming up with interesting concepts for art, but do not have the ability to execute them. It's not really something I have a passion for, either, but I do find it fascinating and have a great appreciation for all forms of art. I feel the same way about acting - I have no interest in doing it, and am really not good at it, but I am fascinated by people who are passionate about it. It has always seemed to me that acting is kind of the opposite of music, in a lot of ways. Acting is about immersing yourself in a character and pouring yourself into being somebody else or internalizing your true self in order to portray somebody else, whereas music is all about taking parts of your internal self and putting them out there to be seen. Music comes from yourself; it is based in your feelings, your thoughts, your opinions, your perspective. Music is about an outward expression of who you are inside. Acting seems to be more about internalizing yourself and really becoming another person for the time that you are on stage or filming. Like I said, I find the whole thing fascinating, without having any real desire to do it myself.

Something random I briefly mentioned in yesterday's post: I have started listening to Queen. For years I have been aware of Queen, but never really cared either way about them. Really, my main thought on Queen was "I HATE BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY!" While I still don't particularly like that song, I downloaded a greatest hits album, "Absolute Greatest," yesterday and have completely fallen in love with it. I was thinking about the fact that many of my favorite artists, including Lady GaGa and Adam Lambert, have listed Queen as one of their biggest influences and I figured I must be missing something. I was absolutely right, because this band is absolutely amazing. My biggest obsession right now is the song "Radio Ga Ga," as evidenced by the fact that I am drawing this big picture inspired by it. It is kind of the story of my life, in a lot of ways, and it just has such a big, epic sound to it. It is amazing, and insanely ahead of it's time. "Killer Queen" is another favorite, as well as "I Want To Break Free," "Somebody To Love," "Heaven For Everyone," "I Want It All," and "The Show Must Go On." I have also developed a new appreciation for some of those songs that you can't help but have known all your life, like "We Are The Champions," "We Will Rock You," "Another One Bites The Dust," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." My favorite Queen song remains what it was before, though, "Under Pressure." That song is absolutely amazing and something I have always been able to connect with. Plus, it features Bowie. It doesn't get much better than that.

Yesterday, my friend Nate did a video on his youtube channel discussing charity for the holidays, in particular Toys For Tots, which really got me thinking about charitable acts this holiday season. It certainly isn't the best financial time in the world right now in this country, and I can certainly understand people being much less prone to give away the money that is seeming like less and less these days, but one thing I think it is important to remember is that there is always somebody considerably less fortunate than we are, no matter what your situation is, and I think it is extremely important for us all to do whatever we are able to do to help those people. Whether your preference is to provide toys for children who otherwise wouldn't have a Christmas through Toys For Tots, or if you are like me and prefer the idea of providing an education based in spirituality that will help build strong leaders for the future through my favorite charity, Spirituality For Kids, or any other charities out there, I really believe it is extremely important for us all to get involved in any way that we can to help others, both here and abroad. Another charity that I have come upon recently that I feel very passionate towards is called The Girl Effect, and they assist in building schools and providing education for girls in third world countries, where girls are considered less-than-second-class citizens and do not have the rights to an education or the chance at a better life that we are so freely given here in America. Girls all over the world are considered lesser beings and denied basic rights, like education, and it has got to be stopped. It is a rough life for girls all over the world, even here in America, and I believe it is important for us to show the world that every girl has value and should have every opportunity that any man does. Like Carrie Underwood says on a song on her new album, "Play On," called "Change:" "The smallest things can make all the difference, Love is alive so don't listen to them when they say, You're just a fool, just a fool to believe you can change the world." As much as it may seem like a corny song, I absolutely believe this to be true. Every single one of us has the power to create change in this world. If you're not sure where to start, I have found that the most powerful way to effect change in others is by making changes in yourself and leading by example. Change the way you look at the world and the way that you act towards others. People will notice and a few of those people will actually make the effort to do the same. Then a few people will see each of those people and do the same. Before you know it, if you ever do actually recognize it, you will have made a positive change in this world. Just be aware, this works both ways. Negative change can spread just as easily, (in most cases, even more easily,) than positive change. It is important to be aware of our actions and try to always be the best that we are able to. Of course, people are not perfect and nobody can be at their best at all times, but what we can do is always make the effort. If it doesn't work every time, at least we tried... and I think trying counts for a lot more than you would think.

Let me also take a second to talk about my job. Today at work a bunch of people ganged up to kind of point out one specific person who has been getting on everybody else's nerves. The mob mentality is definitely in effect on my team at work. I can understand it, in a lot of ways, because this person is working my last nerve, too, but I also feel really bad for them. We are all adults here, and it just seems like such a schoolyard mentality of everyone ganging together to make fun of one person. I can't say that I haven't been guilty of joining in a bit of shit talking behind these people's backs but today it really felt plain mean-spirited and unfair. I have never understood when people say, "It's better that you say things to people's faces." I completely disagree with that! When people are not around, I don't see anything wrong with venting your frustrations about them, when it's not necessarily that you dislike them but they annoy you. That seems like the kind thing to do, because you are sparing a person's feelings. When you sit there and make it clear right to a person's face how much you dislike them or how much they annoy you, you are only hurting that persons feelings and that just seems cruel to me. It is also just very funny to me how easily my workplace can become a schoolyard. I try to avoid taking part in any of this, although I am not always successful. Like I talked about before, I get along with everybody on my team individually. It just seems like certain people combining really brings out the worst in them, and in turn, the worst in the whole group. Yet another example of how easily negativity can spread. I am no better than any of them, either, because I take part in it. I try not to, but I often wind up in the middle of it all.

After work tonight, my Mom headed up to her boyfriends house in Winter Haven and left me alone for the weekend. I don't really have any solid plans for the weekend. I have non-concrete plans for hanging out with a couple friends tomorrow night, but I have this feeling that isn't going to happen. I may wind up hanging out with my sister and her girlfriend, or maybe I'll just stay home and watch some of the IFC movies that have piled up on my DVR. This evening I got one of them out of the way: "Fast Food Nation," which was a slightly disturbing and absolutely heartbreaking film. I didn't really know too much about the story beforehand, but was blown away by all the different stories told in the film, particularly that of Wilmer Valderamma's character and his girlfriend, who were illegal immigrants brought over from Mexico and working in the meat packing plant that supplies meats to the company at the center of the story. There is a scene towards the end of the movie where his Wilmer's character's girlfriend is taken to work on the "Kill Floor" at this plant that is absolutely shocking and leaves you feeling completely gutted. The best and the worst part of the film, though, is that there is no resolution. It really exposes an awful truth of our society. I recommend everyone see this film. It really blew my mind.

It is now 2:30am, and I would like to avoid a repeat of last weekend, where I slept til 2:15pm on Sunday and spent the entire week feeling exhausted. In order to avoid that, I should go to bed.