Chapter 51: TiK ToK

I woke up this morning feeling like P. Diddy... Okay, so maybe I didn't feel EXACTLY like P. Diddy, but I felt considerably better than I had yesterday or the day before. Last night I had a really hard time falling asleep, and didn't wind up actually getting to sleep until well after 6am. I'm not sure exactly why. I was just still feeling extremely depressed and alone in this world. I actually wound up feeling a little bit better before I fell asleep. I was listening to Mandy Moore's album, "Amanda Leigh," (which somehow got left out of the 2009 music post but is one of my favorite albums ever,) and posting sad lyrics from it as my Facebook status from my phone. I stumbled over to one of my favorite places to pick up new music, Smokin' New Music Blog, and found that the Ke$ha album had finally leaked! As I've mentioned before, I am really into her lately and her album was the first leak of 2010 that I was really excited about. I was very excited to see that it came early, even in medium quality webrip form. Ke$ha, for those who don't know, sings the current number one song in the country, "TiK ToK," which has been my jam for months! Sometime over the summer a group of about 30 demos of hers leaked to the internet and, just out of curiosity, I downloaded them and fell in love with a lot of her songs, so when "TiK ToK" came out I was really excited that there would finally be a proper album from her coming out and have been anxiously awaiting it's leak ever since. I got out of bed and came to the computer to download it, and then went back to bed to listen to it for the first time. As silly as it may seem, I took something as small as this album leaking as a sign that my days of depression were over and I could go to bed in peace, knowing that I would feel better when I woke up... and I was right.

I fell asleep in the middle of the album so when I got up and found that nobody was in the house, I turned it up a little louder than I normally would and rocked out to it! Based on the demos I had heard and "TiK ToK," it came as no surprise that I absolutely LOVE the album! One thing I do have to say, before going into a full-blown review of the album, is that a lot of people on ONTD and various other places around the internet are already trying to say that Ke$ha is going to be the new Lady GaGa, which I ABSOLUTELY disagree with. After hearing the album, I definitely think she is going to blow up in a major way but not in a GaGa way. More than I would call her the new Lady GaGa, I'd say she is the new Katy Perry. Much like Katy Perry, based on her first single, she could easily wind up being just a random novelty act or a one-hit wonder but I think she has the talent and her music is good enough that this won't be a problem for her... just like it wasn't for Katy Perry. As far as her album, "Animal," it is a very solid electro/pop record full of super catchy, fun pop music that you can dance to. It's one of those records that should be the soundtrack to a party scene in a movie or something along those lines. My favorite track is probably one that had leaked previously, called "Kiss N Tell." This is a super fun, upbeat, guitar-based pop track, but with a solid dance beat, (kind of like Paris Hilton's "Screwed," or "Nothing In This World,") about finding out that your man is cheating because he's an idiot who can't keep his mouth shut trying to impress his friends. We've all been there, haven't we? Maybe not... but either way, it is a really fun, catchy song. Another favorite is one of the few ballads on the album, "Hungover." Like GaGa's "The Fame" record, this album has a definite theme throughout. That theme is basically a wild, crazy party night. Of course, I would be really into the song about when the party is over and you have to deal with the repercussions. It's really a pretty song and one of the few tracks on the album that actually showcase her vocal abilities, which are better than they seem. Other favorite tracks from the album are, "Your Love Is My Drug," "Stephen," "Blah Blah Blah," "Party At A Rich Dude's House," "Dinosaur," and the albums other two ballads, "Blind" and "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes." It's really a pretty great album, and a great way to start off 2010, (along with the Katharine McPhee album, although the two couldn't be more opposite.)

I also discovered on the internet this morning a little collection of new tracks from Kelly Clarkson, which were all recorded at these special fan-club only shows she has been doing before dates on her "All I Ever Wanted" tour. They aren't the best quality, but the songs are absolutely beautiful. I have come to expect nothing less from Kelly Clarkson. There are six actual new songs and three cover songs she did. Every single one of these songs is absolutely amazing. My favorite is probably "Empty As I Am," which turns out to be the song she actually wrote for "The Twilight Saga: New Moon," that didn't wind up making the soundtrack. It's a shame, too, because it is an absolutely gorgeous song and really captures the period of the book/film when Bella is completely sad and depressed for months. Another new song from this collection is called, "Poison Candy," and it is heartbreaking. The opening line of the song is, "I wish I'd never started so I wouldn't have to quit." It is essentially a song about feeling dependent upon another person and having to give them up. Kelly has explored this topic multiple times in the past, most notably on the songs "Addicted," and probably my favorite song of hers, "Sober." Another song from this collection is called "Old Man," and it really hits a soft spot for me. It is about trying to live your life in a way that you won't look back on and regret, and being reminded of this by looking in the face of an old man who does live with that type of regret. There is also a song called "Hand Me Downs," which is about trying to be happy with what you have. The cover songs in this collection are amazing, too. I discovered a long time ago that Kelly Clarkson and I have similar taste in music, and this is further evidenced by two of the three songs she covers. "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle has been a favorite of mine since I first heard it, and Kelly does it beautifully. Like I said before, Kelly does everything beautifully. She also covers one of my favorite songs of all time by one of my favorite artists of all time, "My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow. The third cover song is one that I have always loved... hearing covered by other people. I hate the original artist, but I can appreciate that it is a brilliant song. The song? "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Kelly does probably my favorite version of this song ever. She can sing absolutely anything. I think, later in life, once more people have covered their songs, I will find that U2 is one of those bands like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles for me. The Rolling Stones and The Beatles are both bands that I just can't listen to. I don't like the vocals, and I don't like the way they deliver their songs... but anytime I hear somebody cover one of their songs, I love it. Basically, I can recognize and appreciate their talents as songwriters, but I don't like to listen to them. I think, somewhere down the road, I will find the same to be true of U2. I already love Kelly Clarkson's cover of this song, as well as Vanessa Carlton's version of "Where The Streets Have No Name," not to mention the Pet Shop Boys genius mashup of "Where The Streets Have No Name," and Burt Bacharach's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You." Either way, as far as U2 goes, I absolutely love Kelly Clarkson's cover of their song. Like I said, Kelly Clarkson hasn't really done much of anything that I haven't absolutely loved. The exciting thing about all of these songs leaking, though, is that it means that there is likely a new album on it's way in the coming year. The same thing happened in 2008, and in early 2009 there was a new album. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

After realizing that I hadn't spent a single cent since getting paid, and having received a $50 check from my Uncle in California, my only Christmas gift this year, I decided that I should do something small to make myself happy with that extra money. I had just been talking to one of my co-workers a few days ago about how I was so bored with my bag right now and really wanted a new one. Yes, I carry a bag; a man-purse, if you will. Initially, I had this gorgeous leather Kenneth Cole messenger bag that I LOVED but it was very professional looking. That worked fine back when I got the bag, but as summer came I found myself wanting something a little more casual looking. I had searched a long time locally for a bag that really suited me, but couldn't find one anywhere I went. I started looking online and came across this gorgeous black canvas messenger bad from Calvin Klein, which was $60. I also found this smaller width-wise but tall, plain black DKNY bag on Ebay for only about $30, and decided to go with that one instead. Once it arrived, I immediately kind of regretted this decision. It was cute enough, but I saw the tags on it said "Gift With Purchase" and immediately felt a little ripped off. Still, it wasn't a bad bag and I have been using it for the past 6 months or so without issue. Still, having not been overly pleased with it from the start, I am really starting to get tired of it now. So, I had been seeing these random ads all over the internet for an end-of-year clearance sale at the Calvin Klein online store, and since Calvin Klein is my favorite designer, I decided to check it out with the extra cash I had. The first thing I always do in clothes shopping, online or in store, is go for accessories. Being a person of a certain size, designers don't exactly cater to me, but I can always find something in the accessories sections. Right on the front page of the site there was a link for an additional 15% off already reduced priced items so I immediately clicked there and went for the discounted accessories section and after flipping through a couple pages of hats came upon that same bag that I had been checking out 6 months ago. It had been marked down to $42, plus now an additional 15% off. Needless to say, it should be arriving the week of January 4th! I was so excited by this, I decided to check out DKNY's site, as well, and found a lot of really gorgeous tees and sweaters and such that I really wanted and came very close to buying, but I decided to be sensible and save the money. I wound up very glad that I did that afterwards.

My sister and her girlfriend finally showed up to give my Mom her Christmas present, and gave me credit for part of it, as well, which was nice of them. I didn't really talk to them much while they were here. I am still kind of upset with them. Not really upset with them, per se, but I almost feel like I should avoid sharing too much with them because they aren't really going to be listening, anyway, or if they do, they aren't going to put any stock into anything I have to say. Why bother, then? I don't know. I hate feeling this way about them, because my sister has been one of the people I have been closest to in my life. I just don't understand how her opinion of me has changed so drastically from what it was back when we were in California, or even when we were first living here in Florida. I don't know what I am supposed to do about that, honestly, but I know that what I DON'T want to do is just brush it off like I have been doing for months now. That isn't helping anything. We'll see, I suppose. It was alright, though, and it was very nice of them to include me in their Christmas gift, even though I didn't actually contribute to it in any way. I still feel shitty that I didn't wind up getting my Mom anything for Christmas. I'm thinking that maybe next weekend, once her boyfriend is back home and it is just us here, I will take her out to lunch and to get a mani/pedi. It's not much, but it's something she hasn't gone out and done for herself since losing her job back in September, so I figure it'll be nice.

After they left, I came back to my room and sat down to a movie on Hulu. I wasn't sure what I was in the mood for, but then I passed a title that I had been meaning to see for ages and still hadn't. "I Am Because We Are" is the third documentary that Madonna has made. The other two, "Truth or Dare" and "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" are amongst my all-time favorite films. This one is different, though. Both of the previous documentaries have been following her on tour, but this one was very different. "I Am Because We Are" doesn't actually feature Madonna all that much, despite having been written and produced by her. Instead, this film showcases the stories of the people of Malawi, the second poorest country in the world. This country has a population of 12 million, including 1 million orphaned children who have lost their parents to HIV/AIDS. It is absolutely devastating. These children are left to care for themselves from very young ages. In many cases, there will be multiple children and the eldest has to leave their schooling in order to care for their younger siblings. It is a terrible thing and every one of these stories in this film are absolutely heartbreaking. One, in particular, that really got to me was the story of a young woman named Joyce and her infant son, Aaron. Joyce and Aaron were both HIV positive, and I don't know how old Joyce was but she was clearly a very young teenager. Her young son, Aaron, died from his disease and there was this absolutely devastating scene where you see Joyce letting out this loud, guttural scream as they drag her sons body out of her hut. I can't even imagine what this poor woman must have been feeling. It gets worse, though. Apparently, there is a tradition in her village that if a woman loses a child she has to be cleansed before anybody else in the village is allowed to have sex again. They bring in a man from an outside village and he must have sex with her three times in the first day after her child's death and say a certain phrase that escapes, but essentially equates to "You are cleansed" afterwards. The filmmakers are interviewing this poor girl this day and she is saying how she is just a child and she cannot change their decision. This interview is interspersed with footage of an interview with the village's chief stating that it is their tradition and it cannot be broken. He states that he understands that AIDS is spread this way but, by his logic, this tradition has been around long before AIDS and they will not allow AIDS to prevent it. The scene ends with a shot of Joyce looking away from the camera with a tear rolling down her face saying simply, "It's not good." I know America has it's problems, but I don't understand how people can say that we shouldn't be helping these other countries because we should be focused on the needs of our own country. That is the most selfish viewpoint imaginable and a despicable way of thinking. We need to do whatever we possibly can to assist these people and try to prevent things like this from continuing for the rest of these people's lives. The only way to do that is to provide these people with education. HIV/AIDS spreads so rapidly in that country not because of anything the people are doing purposely, but because they lack the knowledge of how to prevent it or are tied down by old world traditions and superstitions that they believe are stronger than the disease. Like Joyce said, "It's not good." I hate to keep doing this in every post, and don't necessarily encourage giving when you will be going without some sort of necessity, but if you've got a little extra Christmas money or something set aside, I urge you to please consider giving to Raising Malawi. These people are in desperate need and every little bit helps. In fact, one thing I learned in this documentary is that $10 US is equivalent to $1,250 in their currency. It would have cost one woman in the film $250 in their currency for transportation to the nearest hospital from her village. $250 there is $2 to us. She did not have it and she had to suffer. This is how little it takes to make a difference in these people's lives. So, again, if you have the ability please make some sort of donation to them. I am. Also, until the end of the year, Madonna will match every dollar that is donated, so you can consider your donation double whatever you can give. It is an amazing cause and I really hope some of you are able to do a little something to help. Another donation option, one I am strongly considering right now, is purchasing this gorgeous necklace from jewelry designer Aurora Lopez Mejia. The pendant comes in 18k Gold for $1200, Silver for $100 or Bronze for $36, and is gorgeous. The stone is engraved on one side with the word "Mtima," which is the Chichewan word for Heart. The back of the stone is engraved with the word heart. It is a pretty great necklace, and like I said, I am strongly considering buying one, (in bronze, of course... I can't afford no silver or gold right now!) So, something else to give a little thought to.

After this documentary, I decided to check out another documentary I stumbled upon on the internet called "Jay-Z: Hip-Hop's Master Mason." This documentary attempts to expose Jay-Z as a 3rd Degree Freemason, and suggest that he and those in his circle, (including Beyonce, Rihanna and Kanye West,) are all working with the Illuminati towards a New World Order. Essentially, for those who don't know, (and if you don't know, I'd suggest clicking those links to learn a little more about it,) the Illuminati are a secret society of Freemasons who are believed to be in control of the media and government. In most theories, they are believed to be Satanists, working towards a Single World Government, including but not limited to, implanting chips into each individual as the Mark of the Beast, as discussed thoroughly in the Book of Revelations in the Bible. Basically, many conspiracy theorists believe that we are approaching the End Times, and that the Illuminati or these Satanists are using celebrities like Jay-Z, Beyonce, Rihanna, Lady GaGa, etc., to brainwash us into submission. I wouldn't say that I buy all of this, but I find the theories and the use of old world Freemason symbolism in modern media fascinating. There are a vast amount of sites around the internet, (Vigilant Citizen being one of my favorites, for it's extra sense of cookiness,) discussing this topic and analyzing the music and marketing campaigns of current artists to pinpoint all of the Freemason symbolism involved. They make some interesting points but, again, I can't really say that I agree with any of it. I do find it interesting to read about, though.

I spent a little time talking with my friend Whitney this evening and she told me that one of our other friends had been kind of hurt by something I had said recently. Essentially, I think I implied that this friend and I weren't very close and he had felt like we were close. This made me feel bad because I hadn't meant to imply that I didn't feel like we were close friends. It was more of a comment on how I just feel... on the outside. Not just with this friend or my group of friends or anybody specific. I have just always felt on the outside in life in general. For as long as I can remember, I have always found it kind of difficult to relate to other people. I just feel like I am different from everybody else I know. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but I feel like I don't get as close with people as I would sometimes like because I just feel separate. I was explaining to Whitney that I have this theory about that feeling. You know how you will often hear in random interviews and E! True Hollywood Stories on people, particularly musicians, how they were ostracized by other kids growing up or didn't have a lot of friends in school or whatever else? I think they felt the way that I do. I think Christina Aguilera knows what I mean. I think Jessica Simpson would get what I'm saying. I think this would all make perfect sense to Madonna or Lady GaGa. In some ways, I take comfort in that feeling of difference and separation from the rest of the world. Then there are instances like right now, where I just kind of feel like shit about it. I'll have to talk to that friend again and try to explain what I am saying. I think he might get it, too.

I came to a decision last night, as well. I need to speak with my Uncle out in California. I need to stop putting it off and call him and talk to him about the concept of me moving out there, and find out for sure if I can stay with him or not. I have kind of complained about the fact that I feel like certain people don't really believe that I am serious about moving, and I've realized that maybe it is because I haven't made any concrete plans for it yet. I don't really have any doubt that my Uncle will be into the idea and I will be welcome to come stay, but I just feel really nervous about it. It is a lot to ask. I think if I emphasize the points that it will only be temporary and that I will gladly pay him rent it'll be okay. I'm pretty sure it'll be okay, either way, but I would feel more comfortable emphasizing those points. Right now I have the perfect excuse to call him, too, because I do want to thank him for sending me that check for Christmas. He really didn't have to, and it was very sweet of him to think of us. I am still very nervous asking for something so big, though. I'm sure I'll report all the details here once it is done. I just really feel like my mind is made up and I should start making some ACTUAL plans. At least, making as much of an actual plan as I can this far ahead. After all, I will also have to plan travel to get there, and getting all my crap there, all of which will take money, and you can generally save a good deal of money by making your plans in advance. Like I said, the decision is made so why delay doing the actual planning?

All in all, I can say that today has been a pretty good day. Not the best day I've ever had but, in comparison to the past two days, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I think I needed my time to be depressed and lonely and in a dark place to get to the place I am now; a place of action, and a place of looking ahead. The future is where I'm headed and instead of wallowing in self-pity about where I am now, I should be planting the seeds that will get me from this point to the point where I need to be. Life may not be the best in this moment but I am doing what I can to make sure that it gets better soon!