Chapter 55: Who Would Have Thought?

Today was certainly an interesting day. We moved our seats at work today and I already dislike mine. The computer in my new cubicle acts funny and I am not sure I like the keyboard and I just generally don’t really appreciate the change. My morning was pretty simple. I woke up at 8am, later than planned, and had to rush around a bit to get ready. Not a big deal, though. I wore an outfit that I liked much better than the ones I have worn the past few days, which puts me in a better mood than I usually would be. I also dressed for the extra cold weather that we have been having, which I hadn’t dressed appropriately for the past few days. Unfortunately, today was considerably warmer than the past few days. I don’t know why, but I just can’t ever seem to get it right for the weather. It’s kind of annoying, but at least I looked cute today. The first part of the day at work was pretty laid back, there wasn’t a whole lot going on and we weren’t overly busy. All of us on my team noticed that the Sales department, our sister team of sorts, all got pulled of the floor. The entire department was off the floor and we had to take their calls. Of course, this caused all kinds of speculation as to what the team did wrong, or if it was a situation like we had 6 months ago when an entire department was let go and replaced with a group over on an island called Mauritius. The Sales department is too vital, though, so we figured that wouldn’t be the case. Then they all came back out on the floor and their supervisor, my sister’s girlfriend, came over to our side and began gathering all of our team up. We all started to get really concerned at this point. Then a bombshell was dropped.

Nobody was in trouble. Nobody had done anything wrong. Nobody had anything to be overly concerned about, really. Instead, we got a piece of very bittersweet news. Tomorrow will be my sister’s girlfriend’s last day on our program. She has received a promotion and will be heading up a new program of her own. It is a really great thing for her, and after working in the place that shall not be named for security purposes for a VERY long time she definitely deserves to move further up the ranks. Everyone was very excited for her, but very upset for our program. Nobody working there currently has ever experienced the account without her and she has been an amazing supervisor to us all. Even though she wasn’t the direct supervisor of our department at this point, it is still quite a blow to us. It’s going to be interesting seeing how my remaining months there are without her. It was also a very emotional moment when she told us all this. She actually got tears in her eyes a few times when talking to us. It was very sad, but I am very excited for her to be moving into an upper management position there. Tomorrow will be a pretty sad day, though. Since it will be her last day, I went out this evening and picked up a gift for her, (a cute little picture frame setup that holds multiple pictures and spins, as a decoration for the office that she will be getting,) and a card for everybody to sign for her. I just wanted to do a little something to make her last day a little more special. It’s going to suck, though, no longer working directly with her. Still, it’s not like I won’t be seeing her anymore, but a lot of the people on the account won’t be seeing her regularly anymore and I’m sure that is difficult for them. I know that her team are very close with her and are really attached to her. Like I said, it is going to be interesting to see how this whole change affects the production floor. Now I see a little more why my sister and her girlfriend were acting distant and avoiding dealing with me outside of work; like many times they have done that before, they had a secret they couldn’t share with me, but also couldn’t not talk about.

After this announcement, and the Sales department stepping away from their phones for it, as well as my department doing the same, a few calls got kind of backed up. We were kind of busy after that and stayed slightly busy, at least in spurts, for the rest of the day. We also all moved our seats this afternoon, as I said before, and I was not overly pleased with my new placement. It will be okay, though. I just have to remember that it won’t last long. My sister makes us change our seats every month. The one I’m in now won’t last any longer than until February. It’s in the meantime that is the trouble. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now. “In The Meantime.” I even wrote a song called “In The Meantime” the other day. In a lot of ways I feel like my entire life is one big “In The Meantime” right now. I don’t really like it, but I also understand that any major transition in life has a “meantime.” Take my sister’s girlfriend. I don’t know how long she has known that she is taking this position, but she has spent the past little while being “In The Meantime.” I am “In The Meantime.” I am just waiting, biding my time until my change is ready to take place. Much like my sister’s girlfriend, I am kind of scared, kind of nervous and cautious… but overall, I am very excited. I feel more and more lately like I have already checked out of my life here. That isn’t a good thing. I am extremely confident that everything is going to go exactly as planned, but it is still not 100%. After all, I still have to wait and find out what is going to be happening with my Mom by that time. I also still have to organize things like how I am going to get there and make sure that I have a place to stay. There is a lot of uncertainty involved… but I still feel certainty in reference to this whole situation.

One thing that happened at work today was kind of fun and made me very happy. I kept telling my sister that I felt like I should be able to leave early tomorrow after the whole debacle last Thursday with Christmas Eve. I jokingly said that I was going to write up a petition and have all of my co-workers sign it saying that I could leave at noon. One of my co-workers got a kick out of this whole concept and actually wrote up a very funny little petition and we got everybody else in the department to sign it. My sister said that she would take it into consideration. My Mom has to work until 3pm tomorrow, so I told my sister that it would make more sense for me to be leave then so I wouldn’t have to walk or pay for a cab home and she said that would be pretty easily doable. That will work out perfectly because then I will be able to go out and pick up groceries for the dinner tomorrow night with Nate and Whitney and get home with plenty of time to prepare. I’m really looking forward to a little New Year’s Eve festivities, too. I think it’ll be fun and relaxing and an all-around good time. This evening, while I was out getting the gift for my sister’s girlfriend I also came up with a birthday gift for Whitney, so that has worked out well. I may have spent a little more than I should have recently, though, and am going to have to bare bones it a bit with the groceries tomorrow. Whitney also told me earlier this evening that Nate isn’t a big fan of onions, which are included in every recipe I am planning for tomorrow. I am kind of rethinking the menu because of it. I don’t really know how to cook a lot of things, so my options are limited but I think I can figure out something onion-free. Maybe the Mexican style meal that I made with my co-worker a few weeks ago. I’m not sure yet, but I’ll figure it out and it will be perfect. I’m just excited to ring in 2010 with two of my closest friends. It will be a good time no matter what we eat.

When I arrived home this evening, I found a box at our doorstep. I received a package from one of my favorite friends in the entire world, Calvin. Calvin as in Calvin Klein! My new bag arrived today. First thing I did when I got inside was ripped that box open and just adored my lovely new bag! Now I have plenty of cool designer clothing and such, but this was my very first purchase direct from the designer and, I must say, it is a beautiful feeling opening up a package and finding, wrapped in tissue paper covered in the designer logo, a brand new, top quality item to welcome into your life. Seriously, the bag was wrapped in tissue paper with the Calvin Klein logo. It was also in a little bag inside with the Calvin logo very large across it. Then I ripped that bag open and got to my new bag. It is beautiful. It has leather accents that I don’t have to question the authenticity of, and isn’t from a store that gets the items with slight imperfections. It’s a really nice feeling, and before doing anything else with the bag I felt the fabric and sniffed it for that new fabric smell. I don’t even know how to explain this properly, but I highly recommend buying designer clothing. It is a wonderful feeling. There was an episode of “Ugly Betty” where Betty got this gorgeous Gucci bag when Christina cleaned out the closet and everyone at Mode was completely jealous of her and trying to trade her something else for it. In the end Betty wound up trading off the bag in order to get medications for her father, and she cried about it because that bag made her feel special. She said something about how fashion isn’t really about how you look, but about how it makes you feel to be carrying a gorgeous designer bag or walking around on Manolo Blahniks or in one of those beautiful Marc Jacobs dresses. They are beautiful items, but what is so special about them is how you feel wearing them. It makes you feel like you’re a part something special; something magical. I absolutely believe that to be true, and I can attest to that with the designer items I own. I have always been fascinated by fashion, but never really understood it until earlier this year when I bought myself a pair of Calvin Klein sneakers and a Kenneth Cole bag. Walking into my work with these on, I just felt… special. It is a feeling I don’t really know how to explain, but I have since come to realize that fashion, for me, is the equivalent of real life magic. It isn’t quite music, which for me is the source of every part of who I am as a person and an artist, but I have really developed a strong passion for it. I also absolutely cannot wait for a day when I can afford more of it because I am feeling more and more of an urge for it lately.

After stroking and sniffing my new Calvin Klein for a while, I actually took everything out of my old bag and putting it into the Calvin bag and shoulder tested it for a while. It felt good. Eventually, I had to stop because my Mom came home and we needed to go out for the gifts mentioned previously. We went and had dinner at Chipotle and then went to Target to look for the gifts. I spotted a copy of “Bruno” for $14.99 and really wanted to buy it for myself, but I refrained. I am glad that I did, after the fact, because I wound up spending more than expected on gifts and I would rather spend too much buying something worthwhile for other people than for a silly DVD for myself. Maybe I will pick it up after I get paid again. In the meantime, I will work my hardest to be responsible with my cash. I have gotten pretty good at that, although I still slip up every now and then and wind up spending more than I should. Case in point being my Calvin Klein bag… but it is completely worth it, in this case. After coming home from Target I prepped the gifts for tomorrow and asked my Mom to tie on a Kabbalah bracelet for me. The Kabbalah bracelet, (the red string I’m sure you’ve all seen,) is put in place to protect us from the Evil Eye, which is basically other people’s negative wishes upon us. There is a small ceremony involved in tying one on. Essentially, you focus on one of the 72 names of God, (which are Hebrew symbols representing different traits of God,) and make the promise to yourself that you will refrain from having negative thoughts or saying negative things about other people. You have somebody you love tie the string on for you, and they tie one simple knot and then tie six more simple knots, for a total of seven knots. Then you follow that up by having that person recite the Ben Porat prayer, which is in Hebrew and is simply a prayer to ward off the Evil Eye. It is a beautiful ceremony and I always feel a lot better after doing it. This evening, though, I didn’t have much of the red string left, so my bracelet had to be placed on a little tight and my Mom was only able to do six knots instead of seven because the string got too short… the seven knots symbolize white light, which includes the seven colors of the rainbow, as well as signifying the seven spiritual worlds that affect our reality. Despite the fact that all seven knots did not end up happening, I think the meaning is not diminished. I hope not. I need to buy more red string soon, though, just in case. It is a good feeling, though, to have the bracelet back on after not having one on for so long. I feel like I really do need it at this point, both to protect me from the Evil Eye of others and as a reminder to myself to do my best to refrain from giving off the Evil Eye to others. I find it too easy to fall into the pattern of gossiping and saying negative things about others behind their backs, and I really do need to stop myself.

In the meantime, though, it is almost 12:30am, and I have to wake up at 6:30am, so I should definitely get to bed. I am working at 8am tomorrow due to the special holiday hours, and hopefully will be leaving at 3pm. I’m pretty sure that’s going to work out for me. I will make it work out for me. I am excited for tomorrow, New Year’s Eve, and for ringing in 2010 in a good way! Not to sound like that prostitute from the Elliott Spitzer case, but I really feel like this is going to be MY year! The changes already planned to take place this year are immense and will be magical! Ringing in 2010 is mainly exciting because it is bringing me that much closer to all the things that are ahead for me! I cannot wait!

Chapter 54: Birthday

Today was a pretty bland day. It wasn’t a bad day or a good day. It was just a day. I hate those types of days. I woke up late, at nearly 8:15am, and had to rush a bit to get ready for work. I put on some eyeliner, as I have started doing again lately, and did kind of a cool effect with it by smudging it in the corners. I went out to the kitchen to get a drink and found my Mom and her boyfriend sitting on the couch crying. This clearly meant one thing: My Mom’s boyfriend was leaving. I hate to be insensitive, because I know having him around makes my Mom happy, but I have to say I was slightly relieved. It’s not that he’s a bad guy or that I dislike him. It’s just awkward for me because he is not a person I have any way to relate to, so rather than trying to force something I just stay in my bedroom when he is here and don’t interact with him or my Mom a whole lot. My Mom was telling me this evening that he told her he felt bad that I just hung out in my room the entire time he was here and he felt like it was his fault. This made me feel a little bad about the whole thing. At the same time, though, it isn’t anything against him and I feel justified in staying in my bedroom. When they are having their time, doing whatever it is they do together, it would just be weird and awkward and kind of pointless for me to come hang out in the middle of it. Any time I have tried, I just wind up wanting to go back into my bedroom and do something of interest to me, anyway. So, basically, I just cut out the awkward part and stay in my room. It works for me. Normally when he comes to stay here I wind up not being home much. This weekend, however, that was not the case. So, I made due with my bedroom. It wasn’t a completely terrible weekend. It was a completely terrible Christmas, but the weekend following it wasn’t too bad. I am pretty resourceful when it comes to finding ways to keep myself entertained.

Speaking of finding interesting ways to keep myself entertained, I have started working on another drawing at work. This one was inspired by the Ke$ha song, “Dancing With Tears In My Eyes.” It’s pretty simple. It’s a woman. She is dancing. She’s got tears in her eyes. Perhaps not the most creative thing I have ever come up with, but I like it. She’s also surround by black figures in various dancing positions, and she doesn’t just have tears in her eyes – she has Lauren Conrad style black tears running down her face. Like I said, I like it. Drawing is a fun creative outlet, even if I can’t ever make it come out the way I want it to like I can with music. It is still a fun way to pass the time and it has really given me a new appreciation for people who are able to draw and paint and create visual art like that. I am not especially envious of them, (I’ll take music any day,) but I can definitely appreciate the talent that it takes. I also have been thinking a lot about aesthetics lately, particularly after watching “Dorian Gray” the other day. Beauty is definitely something I can appreciate in this world, but I wouldn’t say that I have a real eye for it like some people do. I think of Tom Ford, former designer for Gucci and current designer of the Tom Ford Collection, (as well as director of the film, “A Single Man.”) I have a lot of respect and admiration for that man because he just seems so aware of visual beauty. He doesn’t make a piece of clothing or a pair of sunglasses, but a work of art. I have that same sort of respect and admiration for David LaChappelle. He has this incredible talent for creating beauty in the most unusual images and concepts. I just really respect people with that type of talent for visuals. I may not be able to create a beautiful aesthetic in the world surrounding me, (I can’t even decorate properly,) but I have a great respect for people who can. After all, they are the ones who create the beauty I want to see in my life but can’t imagine myself.

Speaking of Tom Ford, I have recently become slightly obsessed with owning a pair of his sunglasses. I am well aware that I am not currently in a position to spend $200 on a pair of sunglasses but I happen to be resourceful in more ways than just keeping myself entertained. I did a little digging and found a pair of one of my favorite styles, the Austin, on Ebay for a very decent price. Supposedly, they are either a display model or a store return and do not include the case or anything. I am not overly concerned with the case or tags at this point, so that works out perfectly fine for me! The price is a little too low for comfort, though. There is a high likelihood that they could be knockoffs. Much like my Louis Vuitton wallet, though, I have no problem with knockoffs if they are really believable. Of course, I probably wouldn’t go around telling people that my Tom Ford glasses were fakes, like I did with my Louis Vuitton wallet. I’m going to keep an eye on those glasses on Ebay and see if they go much higher, and if they stay in a reasonable range I’ll probably end up buying them. Like I said before, I have the utmost respect for Tom Ford and consider his designs not just a pair of sunglasses, but a work of art… and I definitely want to wear that art on my face. Also, on the topic of fashion, I just checked the status of my Calvin Klein order and it apparently just left Jacksonville, FL this evening around 7pm. I am hoping that means that it will arrive here in Sarasota, FL tomorrow and be at my door on Thursday. I would certainly enjoy starting off 2010 with a Calvin Klein bag on my arm!

On the topic of 2010 and, in particular, ringing it in on New Year’s Eve, I have the best plans ever! Well, maybe not the best plans ever but plans that sound like an absolutely perfect way to end 2009 for me. I am having two of my closest friends here in Florida, Whitney and Nate, over for a night of junk food and liquor. Just the three of us, hanging out at my house, stuffing our faces, drinking excessively and just having a fun, relaxed evening. We are going to do a dinner, watch a movie, then bake up some dessert type shit and get to drinking and watching balls drop and pop stars performing in Times Square, (which is always my favorite part of NYE festivities on TV.) There is a scene in one of my all-time favorite movies, “Clueless,” where Cher says, “I know it sounds mental, but sometimes I have more fun just vegging out at home than going out and partying… maybe it’s because all my party clothes are so binding.” That is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes, too. I enjoy just relaxing at home and hanging out with my friends here more than going out and doing stuff. I am really looking forward to it. Plus, Whitney and Nate are officially coupled now and I have yet to actually hang out with them in that capacity. Third wheel, anybody? Just kidding, I don’t think that will be an issue. I am expert at making myself a focal point for the people around me. That is a joke… kind of.

Speaking of Whitney, though, I would be remiss not to talk about her a little bit here. Today, December 29, is her birthday. I haven’t quite worked out what I will be buying her as a gift for her birthday, (oh crap, I should probably NOT buy Tom Ford glasses and buy a gift instead! Foiled again!) but I have something in mind that I think will work out pretty well. Aside from the gift concept, I just wanted to take a little time to talk about her here. I met Whitney about 2 .5 years ago, while we were both working at Borders, and we hit it off. We bonded over our shared enthusiasm for the movie “Grindhouse,” (which we saw together like 3 times,) and eventually, along with two other girls we worked with, formed a tight knit little family type group. We all became very close very fast and, despite the fact that those other two girls have both kind of fallen off our radar, Whitney and I remained that way and continue to this day. She is one of my best friends. As I have mentioned in this blog before, Whitney just seems to get it. She is not without her quirks, (who is?) but she just seems to understand the things that a lot of others don’t get. I can talk to her about pretty much anything, and we have that kind of “tell each other everything” type of friendship, which I love. It kind of reminds me of Don and I back in the day, except that we don’t spend 24 hours a day together like Don and I did. I think that’s something you lose with adulthood, though. Either way, Whitney is somebody I have really come to consider one of my best friends in this world and I feel like it is important to take a little time on this, the anniversary of her birth, to express my gratitude for her. I’m sure she will not end up reading this, but it is still nice to get it out there and remind myself how lucky I am to have her in my life. In some ways, I think that is really what birthdays should be about in our lives. Birthdays shouldn’t be a day for us to celebrate but a day for the people in our lives, who are grateful for our presence and who are really the ones who create a place for us in this world, to celebrate us and express their appreciation for having us as a part of their lives. Perhaps I am just a self-involved person, though, who wants to make other people’s birthdays less about them and more about how I feel about them. Either way, though, that is my opinion on the matter. Looking at it that way, I say “Happy Whitney’s Birthday to me!”

So, here I sit, listening to Brooke Hogan. I know it is strange, but I like her music a lot. It’s certainly nothing ground breaking or deserving of acclaim, but she makes fun, pop music with more substance than you would expect and has a considerably better voice than people give her credit for. She has one of those odd voices, though, that sounds over produced on a record but then when you hear her sing live it still sounds over produced. It’s as if her voice is just naturally over produced. I don’t understand how that happens, but I enjoy it and am ever so slightly envious of it. Victoria Beckham has that same kind of voice, but not nearly as good. Jennifer Lopez also has that same kind of voice, but hers is actually much better.

Talking about Brooke Hogan’s voice on my blog is probably a sign that I need to get to bed. Before I do that, though, there is one last thing I wanted to mention here. I developed this problem last week with the skin on my face feeling chapped and itchy all the time. I blamed this on the cold weather, but it is very strange because I have never had this problem before in my entire life. The skin on my face is better by now, but it still seems to be itchy all the time. Another spot that was having this problem is behind my ears. I still think it may be the cold weather, but I also recently started using a new shower gel, (Ulta’s Berrylicious Shower Smoothie,) and I am wondering if I am not having some sort of allergic reaction to that. That doesn’t make a ton of sense to me, either, though. The one place I don’t really use that is on my face, yet that is the only place having this reaction. I don’t know what it is, but I find it very annoying. I hope that whatever may be, it isn’t the Ulta Shower Smoothie, because I absolutely love that stuff. Still, maybe once my bottle of it runs out I will try something different and see if the problem persists. In the meantime, though, I need to get to sleep. I am very tired and have two days left at work this week. I’m going to make it through just fine, I’m sure, but being well rested certainly can’t hurt. I think I am going to listen to the new-ish Chantal Kreviazuk record, “Plain Jane” while I go to bed. It has been in my head for the past few days and I think it may be trying to tell me something… or I just want to listen to it. Either way, really.

Chapter 53: How Lucky We Are

I am really lost on where to begin here. After losing yesterday’s post, I’m not sure what I actually talked about here and what I am thinking I already talked about but didn’t because it fell into a black hole. So, I ask right up front that you bear with me if I begin saying things that you’ve heard before. I know I probably emphasized it enough in the mini-post I made last night, but I ABSOLUTELY HATE that my post was lost. It kind of feels like, in some ways, that day was lost. Not really, of course, but enough to make me very sad and very irritated. It’s silly, I know, because the post really didn’t talk about anything of much importance. I did kind of open up about a period back in late 2005/early 2006 when I suffered from an eating disorder and about how Lindsay Lohan was the inspiration for me getting out of that place. I also discussed calling my Uncle in California, who I am hoping to live with when I move. I got his voicemail. I left him a message thanking him for the check he sent me for Christmas and saying that I was hoping to get a chance to actually talk to him and asking that he call me back. The thing is, though, when I mentioned to my Mom that I needed to call him she wasn’t sure whether the number that I have is still his proper number. The voicemail I reached was one of those non-descript ones that just has the automated voice read off the number. I figured I would give it the week and if I haven’t heard back from him by next weekend, I will email him about it. I know that his email is still his own because I still receive forwards and such from it on occasion. So, we’ll see how that goes. I’ll be sure to report here once I have heard from him in some form.

Another thing I discussed in last night’s lost post, as well as in the post before it, was random Kelly Clarkson stuff suddenly leaking. It started out with 9 songs on Saturday, then 11 more came on Sunday. 20 songs! I figured that would be it, but when I got home from work today I found that there were 10 more. In the past three days, 30 new Kelly Clarkson songs have leaked! I thought I was thrilled back in 2008 when four demos for the next album leaked. This is unprecedented, and completely insane! It isn’t like an actual leak of new music, though, exactly. All of these songs have been performed at the Fan Club Pre-shows on her “All I Ever Wanted” tour. There is some really amazing stuff in this collection, too. There are probably equal amounts new songs as there are covers and seriously every single track is amazing. I am not going to do a track-by-track sort of thing because really, for me with Kelly Clarkson, that would just be like gushing! These songs are all live and all have a very gritty sound quality, but they are absolutely brilliant! I just love Kelly Clarkson in every way possible! One song I will discuss on it’s own, though, is one called “I Wish I Could Be Lonely Instead,” which is probably my favorite of this grouping. This is a song that I can really relate to. “I think I might be missing you like you said I would, I think I might have run away, now I’m the fool, yeah I’m the fool, I think I meant I love you when I said that I don’t care, I wish I were just lonely instead…”

I have found myself a lot lately relating to songs about foolishly running away from things and regretting it. Honestly, I am kind of feeling that way about my best friend, Don. Not exactly, but when I think about back when I left California I have trouble remembering the real reasoning behind it. Back at the time I wrote out this long thing to Don about how I had this painting, and I loved the painting and I was really proud of the painting and I just always ran around showing off the painting to everybody around, (looking back, maybe to the point of shoving the painting down people’s throats, but whatever.) I loved the painting so much that I spent all my time examining it, when suddenly one day I noticed that there was a little tiny spot in the painting that was nothing but white canvas. The painting had a flaw I had never seen before. It was missing something. Discovering this hole in the painting I became desperate to find the perfect paint to fill that spot. I went to my local paint store and spoke with the paint expert guy there and he said that he didn’t have the paint that I needed there, but that there was this other paint store that he thought would have exactly what I needed. Well, I went to that other paint store and found the paint that was perfect for me. Then I flaunted my painting around again, and had to find another new paint to fill another hole in the painting. The lesson I have learned, though, is that the painting will always have holes. The flaws in the painting are part of what makes it as beautiful as it is, and I have come to love the painting exactly as it is. So, what is the next logical step? Taking my new and improved, but still utterly flawed, painting and going back home. That is what I need now.

The thing that concerns me, though, is that the best friend that I left behind there has made all kinds of alterations to his painting, as well, and it scares me to think that our paintings may not complement one another anymore, as they used to. I absolutely hate the idea of that, and I really can’t imagine what my life would be like without him being my best friend or with us just not meshing properly. I doubt if that will even be the case, but with the lack of connection we have had recently, (which has improved, but still isn’t properly fixed,) it concerns me. In some ways I am reminded of a song; “My Song” by Brandi Carlile. “I live every day like there will never be a last one until they’re gone, and they’re gone, I’m much too proud to beg for your attention and your friendship and your time, so you can come and get it from now on.” That is only one side of me, though, and I know that side is incorrect and wanting to place the blame elsewhere. I know that any lack of connection or distance that may have grown between us is my own fault. It is much more reminiscent of the Kelly Clarkson song mentioned above, or a song I have been obsessed with recently: “Had It All” by Katharine McPhee. “I had it all, but threw it all aside thinking there was more out there I needed to find, I had it all, baby, until you went away, Blue skies, sunshine and butterflies, Those are the conditions that I left behind, Why did I let it go to waste? I had it all.” I don’t mean to be dismissive of my time here in Florida because it really has been invaluable to me. I have grown into the person I know I was meant to become, and I have learned lessons that I don’t know if I could have had I stayed in the state of mind I was in back when I was in California. I have also made connections with some amazing people that I wouldn’t trade for the world. At the same time, though, if the cost is losing the connection that I had with my best friend, and no longer having the only person in my life I never have to question… well, I have to really stop and consider whether or not that is worth it. Most people who know me well know that I am very good at being selfish and shutting off my concern for other people’s feelings in order to do what I need to do for me… but this is one of the rare cases where I am simply not capable. I have yet to have a singe ACTUAL regret in my life, (although believe me there are a LOT of things I’d probably do differently if I were to do it all again,) but if I wind up losing Don, I think I may start to learn a lot about what it feels like to regret. I REALLY don’t believe that is the case, though, but a lot of situations lately have left me feeling paranoid about losing things that I love. That is not the case this time, though. I am confident. Okay, so I may not be completely confident but, like so many other things in my life, I’m going to fake it until it becomes the truth.

As far as today goes, since I have yet to actually get to it, it was decent enough. They’ve decided to change the seating chart at work, and I am really not the happiest with where they are placing me in relation to everyone else. I’ve talked about one of my co-workers whose sear is right next to mine currently. The one who has been annoying everybody, myself included. Well, I have kind of come around to her and am kind of upset I will be moved away from her. I am even more annoyed with the person who they are seating me next to now. This is a girl who I get along with superficially, but don’t want to actually do any real sharing with or much dealing with at all. I don’t foresee a pleasant time at work moving forward… at least, not for me. The change works out pretty well for everybody else. Oh well, it isn’t that much longer that I will have to be dealing with any of it, anyway. I said to a good friend of mine recently that I am perfectly happy with what is ahead for me; it is the meantime that is the trouble. I really must stop looking at it like that. I don’t know how to train myself to do that, though. Whatever I have to do, though, I will figure it out and stop it! I think, with the long list of things I keep saying every day that I need to remind myself of, the thing I need to remind myself of the most is that it is okay to not have it all figured out or not get it right every time. Of course, according to Kabbalah, the way that we connect to the Light, or the creator, is by identifying and resisting our reactive behaviors. Of course, it also recognizes that humans, as a race, are not perfect beings and are bound to stray from that from time to time. The important thing, I think, is to not let these “slip-ups” discourage us from continuing to strive to resist our reactive behaviors. That is something I have been having trouble with a lot lately, and I think I may have allowed myself to be discouraged. No more, though. I know what is right, and I will continue to strive to connect to the Light.

Speaking of Kabbalah, I just found out a couple hours ago that one of my favorite authors on the topic, Yehuda Berg, will be having a discussion/book signing at the Barnes & Noble here in town on January 10th. That is on a Sunday, so I am guaranteed to have the day off and simply must be in attendance! He has a new book out called, “The Power To Change Everything.” I have really been feeling like I need to start reading my Kabbalah books and such again in order to help tame some of the chaos that I have been experiencing in my life lately, and then all of a sudden I hear about this signing and discussion and I can’t help but feel like it is exactly what I have been needing. Yehuda Berg, for those who don’t know, is a member of the Berg family who founded the Kabbalah Center International. The entire Berg family writes books on Kabbalah, but Yehuda’s have always been my favorites. He has a series of books called the “Technology For The Soul” series, which is amazing and are all my favorite books about Kabbalah, beginning with “The Power Of Kabbalah,” which is possibly my favorite book of all-time. He writes about Kabbalah in a way that makes it easily accessible to every type of person. He manages to make it relatable to anybody and really makes these incredibly profound concepts simple to understand. I adore his work, and could not be more excited that he is going to holding a discussion right here in town. I think this is exactly what I have needed to help me keep my head up “in the meantime.” I am extremely grateful to the universe for bringing this to me. Like I have said many times previously, the universe is working in my favor and this is yet another sign of it. It has provided me with something more immediate to look forward to, and something that will likely prove very helpful to me moving forward in my life: to California, and beyond.

For now, though, it is nearly midnight and I should really try to get to sleep earlier than I have been lately. I only have three more days left of the week at work, and I need to try my best to get through them being well rested and more at ease than I have been lately. Speaking of work, I went to lunch with one of my favorite co-workers today and kind of discussed the whole concept of possibly withdrawing my application for the position that is open, and she seemed to be in favor of the concept. She actually managed to make me look at it a bit differently. “The Secret” says that in order to create the changes we want in our life, we need to feel absolute certainty in them. If we make decisions that reflect the possibility that the things we want could possibly not happen, then the frequency of doubt is put out into the universe and it will prevent the changes that we want to see from actually happening for us. Thinking about that further, I have come to realize that further pursuing this position is kind of like an insurance policy for me, if I were to not move to California. It isn’t entirely, but I think my hesitancy towards actually speaking to my supervisors and withdrawing my application is because if I were to not wind up moving, I would wish I had pursued the position further. Again, that is putting a frequency of doubt out to the universe and will prevent the change I want to happen, moving to California, from happening. Plus, it seems like it would be unfair to the other person pursuing the position, as well as to the management team to make them have to go through a period of searching for somebody to fill this position again 5 months down the road. So, I told my sister’s girlfriend, who is in charge of this position, that I needed to speak with her off the floor. She didn’t have a chance to talk to me before she left today, so I will try it again tomorrow. I really do believe it is the best decision for all parties involved and I have made up my mind about it. I cannot allow myself to have doubts about whether or not California is happening. Come May 2010, I will be getting assimilated to life in California again, living in the extra room at my Uncle’s house, hanging out with my best friend, driving around, working a halfway decent job, writing a little more music than I am now and realizing how lucky I am to have made it that far. “One day we’ll get out of this shitty apartment, One day is all it takes for things to turn around, Now all I know is I got you and you got me, babe, and when that morning comes I’ll make coffee and you’ll read the paper, we’ll talk about our plans and I’ll keep saying how lucky we are.”

Chapter 52: Black Hole

FUCK! I just wrote an exceptionally long blog post here that somehow got lost. THAT FUCKING SUCKS! I have never had that problem with Blogger before, which absolutely sucks. It is almost 1am and I absolutely have to go to bed, so I guess this will be the first day without a real blog post. IT SUCKS! I HATE IT!!!

The post I had written was pretty damn decent, too, considering I did a whole lot of nothing today. The blog I had written was, like I said, exceptionally long. It discussed topics such as the 20 Kelly Clarkson songs that have leaked in the past 24 hours, as well as a detailed account of why I love her. It discussed my former eating disorder and how Lindsay Lohan was my inspiration to get out of that unhealthy lifestyle. It also discussed my indecision about whether or not I should actually withdraw my application for the position at work I have discussed here a few times previously, and the movie "Dorian Gray," starring Ben Barnes and Colin Firth. I am so unbelievably upset that this has happened! I HATE LOSING SHIT!!!

Funny, though, in the talk about Lindsay Lohan I quoted a song of hers, "Black Hole," with the chorus of, "Have you fallen in a black hole? Somewhere there's a universe of missing stuff. What happened to the good times? What happened to the moments when we had so much? Where's the love?" Well, apparently my post fell into that black hole and joined that universe of missing stuff. IT SUCKS. Oh well, it was bound to happen. Maybe I'll start writing these things in Word and pasting them in here from now on. Lesson Learned.

Chapter 51: TiK ToK

I woke up this morning feeling like P. Diddy... Okay, so maybe I didn't feel EXACTLY like P. Diddy, but I felt considerably better than I had yesterday or the day before. Last night I had a really hard time falling asleep, and didn't wind up actually getting to sleep until well after 6am. I'm not sure exactly why. I was just still feeling extremely depressed and alone in this world. I actually wound up feeling a little bit better before I fell asleep. I was listening to Mandy Moore's album, "Amanda Leigh," (which somehow got left out of the 2009 music post but is one of my favorite albums ever,) and posting sad lyrics from it as my Facebook status from my phone. I stumbled over to one of my favorite places to pick up new music, Smokin' New Music Blog, and found that the Ke$ha album had finally leaked! As I've mentioned before, I am really into her lately and her album was the first leak of 2010 that I was really excited about. I was very excited to see that it came early, even in medium quality webrip form. Ke$ha, for those who don't know, sings the current number one song in the country, "TiK ToK," which has been my jam for months! Sometime over the summer a group of about 30 demos of hers leaked to the internet and, just out of curiosity, I downloaded them and fell in love with a lot of her songs, so when "TiK ToK" came out I was really excited that there would finally be a proper album from her coming out and have been anxiously awaiting it's leak ever since. I got out of bed and came to the computer to download it, and then went back to bed to listen to it for the first time. As silly as it may seem, I took something as small as this album leaking as a sign that my days of depression were over and I could go to bed in peace, knowing that I would feel better when I woke up... and I was right.

I fell asleep in the middle of the album so when I got up and found that nobody was in the house, I turned it up a little louder than I normally would and rocked out to it! Based on the demos I had heard and "TiK ToK," it came as no surprise that I absolutely LOVE the album! One thing I do have to say, before going into a full-blown review of the album, is that a lot of people on ONTD and various other places around the internet are already trying to say that Ke$ha is going to be the new Lady GaGa, which I ABSOLUTELY disagree with. After hearing the album, I definitely think she is going to blow up in a major way but not in a GaGa way. More than I would call her the new Lady GaGa, I'd say she is the new Katy Perry. Much like Katy Perry, based on her first single, she could easily wind up being just a random novelty act or a one-hit wonder but I think she has the talent and her music is good enough that this won't be a problem for her... just like it wasn't for Katy Perry. As far as her album, "Animal," it is a very solid electro/pop record full of super catchy, fun pop music that you can dance to. It's one of those records that should be the soundtrack to a party scene in a movie or something along those lines. My favorite track is probably one that had leaked previously, called "Kiss N Tell." This is a super fun, upbeat, guitar-based pop track, but with a solid dance beat, (kind of like Paris Hilton's "Screwed," or "Nothing In This World,") about finding out that your man is cheating because he's an idiot who can't keep his mouth shut trying to impress his friends. We've all been there, haven't we? Maybe not... but either way, it is a really fun, catchy song. Another favorite is one of the few ballads on the album, "Hungover." Like GaGa's "The Fame" record, this album has a definite theme throughout. That theme is basically a wild, crazy party night. Of course, I would be really into the song about when the party is over and you have to deal with the repercussions. It's really a pretty song and one of the few tracks on the album that actually showcase her vocal abilities, which are better than they seem. Other favorite tracks from the album are, "Your Love Is My Drug," "Stephen," "Blah Blah Blah," "Party At A Rich Dude's House," "Dinosaur," and the albums other two ballads, "Blind" and "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes." It's really a pretty great album, and a great way to start off 2010, (along with the Katharine McPhee album, although the two couldn't be more opposite.)

I also discovered on the internet this morning a little collection of new tracks from Kelly Clarkson, which were all recorded at these special fan-club only shows she has been doing before dates on her "All I Ever Wanted" tour. They aren't the best quality, but the songs are absolutely beautiful. I have come to expect nothing less from Kelly Clarkson. There are six actual new songs and three cover songs she did. Every single one of these songs is absolutely amazing. My favorite is probably "Empty As I Am," which turns out to be the song she actually wrote for "The Twilight Saga: New Moon," that didn't wind up making the soundtrack. It's a shame, too, because it is an absolutely gorgeous song and really captures the period of the book/film when Bella is completely sad and depressed for months. Another new song from this collection is called, "Poison Candy," and it is heartbreaking. The opening line of the song is, "I wish I'd never started so I wouldn't have to quit." It is essentially a song about feeling dependent upon another person and having to give them up. Kelly has explored this topic multiple times in the past, most notably on the songs "Addicted," and probably my favorite song of hers, "Sober." Another song from this collection is called "Old Man," and it really hits a soft spot for me. It is about trying to live your life in a way that you won't look back on and regret, and being reminded of this by looking in the face of an old man who does live with that type of regret. There is also a song called "Hand Me Downs," which is about trying to be happy with what you have. The cover songs in this collection are amazing, too. I discovered a long time ago that Kelly Clarkson and I have similar taste in music, and this is further evidenced by two of the three songs she covers. "The Story" by Brandi Carlisle has been a favorite of mine since I first heard it, and Kelly does it beautifully. Like I said before, Kelly does everything beautifully. She also covers one of my favorite songs of all time by one of my favorite artists of all time, "My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow. The third cover song is one that I have always loved... hearing covered by other people. I hate the original artist, but I can appreciate that it is a brilliant song. The song? "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2. Kelly does probably my favorite version of this song ever. She can sing absolutely anything. I think, later in life, once more people have covered their songs, I will find that U2 is one of those bands like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles for me. The Rolling Stones and The Beatles are both bands that I just can't listen to. I don't like the vocals, and I don't like the way they deliver their songs... but anytime I hear somebody cover one of their songs, I love it. Basically, I can recognize and appreciate their talents as songwriters, but I don't like to listen to them. I think, somewhere down the road, I will find the same to be true of U2. I already love Kelly Clarkson's cover of this song, as well as Vanessa Carlton's version of "Where The Streets Have No Name," not to mention the Pet Shop Boys genius mashup of "Where The Streets Have No Name," and Burt Bacharach's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You." Either way, as far as U2 goes, I absolutely love Kelly Clarkson's cover of their song. Like I said, Kelly Clarkson hasn't really done much of anything that I haven't absolutely loved. The exciting thing about all of these songs leaking, though, is that it means that there is likely a new album on it's way in the coming year. The same thing happened in 2008, and in early 2009 there was a new album. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

After realizing that I hadn't spent a single cent since getting paid, and having received a $50 check from my Uncle in California, my only Christmas gift this year, I decided that I should do something small to make myself happy with that extra money. I had just been talking to one of my co-workers a few days ago about how I was so bored with my bag right now and really wanted a new one. Yes, I carry a bag; a man-purse, if you will. Initially, I had this gorgeous leather Kenneth Cole messenger bag that I LOVED but it was very professional looking. That worked fine back when I got the bag, but as summer came I found myself wanting something a little more casual looking. I had searched a long time locally for a bag that really suited me, but couldn't find one anywhere I went. I started looking online and came across this gorgeous black canvas messenger bad from Calvin Klein, which was $60. I also found this smaller width-wise but tall, plain black DKNY bag on Ebay for only about $30, and decided to go with that one instead. Once it arrived, I immediately kind of regretted this decision. It was cute enough, but I saw the tags on it said "Gift With Purchase" and immediately felt a little ripped off. Still, it wasn't a bad bag and I have been using it for the past 6 months or so without issue. Still, having not been overly pleased with it from the start, I am really starting to get tired of it now. So, I had been seeing these random ads all over the internet for an end-of-year clearance sale at the Calvin Klein online store, and since Calvin Klein is my favorite designer, I decided to check it out with the extra cash I had. The first thing I always do in clothes shopping, online or in store, is go for accessories. Being a person of a certain size, designers don't exactly cater to me, but I can always find something in the accessories sections. Right on the front page of the site there was a link for an additional 15% off already reduced priced items so I immediately clicked there and went for the discounted accessories section and after flipping through a couple pages of hats came upon that same bag that I had been checking out 6 months ago. It had been marked down to $42, plus now an additional 15% off. Needless to say, it should be arriving the week of January 4th! I was so excited by this, I decided to check out DKNY's site, as well, and found a lot of really gorgeous tees and sweaters and such that I really wanted and came very close to buying, but I decided to be sensible and save the money. I wound up very glad that I did that afterwards.

My sister and her girlfriend finally showed up to give my Mom her Christmas present, and gave me credit for part of it, as well, which was nice of them. I didn't really talk to them much while they were here. I am still kind of upset with them. Not really upset with them, per se, but I almost feel like I should avoid sharing too much with them because they aren't really going to be listening, anyway, or if they do, they aren't going to put any stock into anything I have to say. Why bother, then? I don't know. I hate feeling this way about them, because my sister has been one of the people I have been closest to in my life. I just don't understand how her opinion of me has changed so drastically from what it was back when we were in California, or even when we were first living here in Florida. I don't know what I am supposed to do about that, honestly, but I know that what I DON'T want to do is just brush it off like I have been doing for months now. That isn't helping anything. We'll see, I suppose. It was alright, though, and it was very nice of them to include me in their Christmas gift, even though I didn't actually contribute to it in any way. I still feel shitty that I didn't wind up getting my Mom anything for Christmas. I'm thinking that maybe next weekend, once her boyfriend is back home and it is just us here, I will take her out to lunch and to get a mani/pedi. It's not much, but it's something she hasn't gone out and done for herself since losing her job back in September, so I figure it'll be nice.

After they left, I came back to my room and sat down to a movie on Hulu. I wasn't sure what I was in the mood for, but then I passed a title that I had been meaning to see for ages and still hadn't. "I Am Because We Are" is the third documentary that Madonna has made. The other two, "Truth or Dare" and "I'm Going To Tell You A Secret" are amongst my all-time favorite films. This one is different, though. Both of the previous documentaries have been following her on tour, but this one was very different. "I Am Because We Are" doesn't actually feature Madonna all that much, despite having been written and produced by her. Instead, this film showcases the stories of the people of Malawi, the second poorest country in the world. This country has a population of 12 million, including 1 million orphaned children who have lost their parents to HIV/AIDS. It is absolutely devastating. These children are left to care for themselves from very young ages. In many cases, there will be multiple children and the eldest has to leave their schooling in order to care for their younger siblings. It is a terrible thing and every one of these stories in this film are absolutely heartbreaking. One, in particular, that really got to me was the story of a young woman named Joyce and her infant son, Aaron. Joyce and Aaron were both HIV positive, and I don't know how old Joyce was but she was clearly a very young teenager. Her young son, Aaron, died from his disease and there was this absolutely devastating scene where you see Joyce letting out this loud, guttural scream as they drag her sons body out of her hut. I can't even imagine what this poor woman must have been feeling. It gets worse, though. Apparently, there is a tradition in her village that if a woman loses a child she has to be cleansed before anybody else in the village is allowed to have sex again. They bring in a man from an outside village and he must have sex with her three times in the first day after her child's death and say a certain phrase that escapes, but essentially equates to "You are cleansed" afterwards. The filmmakers are interviewing this poor girl this day and she is saying how she is just a child and she cannot change their decision. This interview is interspersed with footage of an interview with the village's chief stating that it is their tradition and it cannot be broken. He states that he understands that AIDS is spread this way but, by his logic, this tradition has been around long before AIDS and they will not allow AIDS to prevent it. The scene ends with a shot of Joyce looking away from the camera with a tear rolling down her face saying simply, "It's not good." I know America has it's problems, but I don't understand how people can say that we shouldn't be helping these other countries because we should be focused on the needs of our own country. That is the most selfish viewpoint imaginable and a despicable way of thinking. We need to do whatever we possibly can to assist these people and try to prevent things like this from continuing for the rest of these people's lives. The only way to do that is to provide these people with education. HIV/AIDS spreads so rapidly in that country not because of anything the people are doing purposely, but because they lack the knowledge of how to prevent it or are tied down by old world traditions and superstitions that they believe are stronger than the disease. Like Joyce said, "It's not good." I hate to keep doing this in every post, and don't necessarily encourage giving when you will be going without some sort of necessity, but if you've got a little extra Christmas money or something set aside, I urge you to please consider giving to Raising Malawi. These people are in desperate need and every little bit helps. In fact, one thing I learned in this documentary is that $10 US is equivalent to $1,250 in their currency. It would have cost one woman in the film $250 in their currency for transportation to the nearest hospital from her village. $250 there is $2 to us. She did not have it and she had to suffer. This is how little it takes to make a difference in these people's lives. So, again, if you have the ability please make some sort of donation to them. I am. Also, until the end of the year, Madonna will match every dollar that is donated, so you can consider your donation double whatever you can give. It is an amazing cause and I really hope some of you are able to do a little something to help. Another donation option, one I am strongly considering right now, is purchasing this gorgeous necklace from jewelry designer Aurora Lopez Mejia. The pendant comes in 18k Gold for $1200, Silver for $100 or Bronze for $36, and is gorgeous. The stone is engraved on one side with the word "Mtima," which is the Chichewan word for Heart. The back of the stone is engraved with the word heart. It is a pretty great necklace, and like I said, I am strongly considering buying one, (in bronze, of course... I can't afford no silver or gold right now!) So, something else to give a little thought to.

After this documentary, I decided to check out another documentary I stumbled upon on the internet called "Jay-Z: Hip-Hop's Master Mason." This documentary attempts to expose Jay-Z as a 3rd Degree Freemason, and suggest that he and those in his circle, (including Beyonce, Rihanna and Kanye West,) are all working with the Illuminati towards a New World Order. Essentially, for those who don't know, (and if you don't know, I'd suggest clicking those links to learn a little more about it,) the Illuminati are a secret society of Freemasons who are believed to be in control of the media and government. In most theories, they are believed to be Satanists, working towards a Single World Government, including but not limited to, implanting chips into each individual as the Mark of the Beast, as discussed thoroughly in the Book of Revelations in the Bible. Basically, many conspiracy theorists believe that we are approaching the End Times, and that the Illuminati or these Satanists are using celebrities like Jay-Z, Beyonce, Rihanna, Lady GaGa, etc., to brainwash us into submission. I wouldn't say that I buy all of this, but I find the theories and the use of old world Freemason symbolism in modern media fascinating. There are a vast amount of sites around the internet, (Vigilant Citizen being one of my favorites, for it's extra sense of cookiness,) discussing this topic and analyzing the music and marketing campaigns of current artists to pinpoint all of the Freemason symbolism involved. They make some interesting points but, again, I can't really say that I agree with any of it. I do find it interesting to read about, though.

I spent a little time talking with my friend Whitney this evening and she told me that one of our other friends had been kind of hurt by something I had said recently. Essentially, I think I implied that this friend and I weren't very close and he had felt like we were close. This made me feel bad because I hadn't meant to imply that I didn't feel like we were close friends. It was more of a comment on how I just feel... on the outside. Not just with this friend or my group of friends or anybody specific. I have just always felt on the outside in life in general. For as long as I can remember, I have always found it kind of difficult to relate to other people. I just feel like I am different from everybody else I know. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but I feel like I don't get as close with people as I would sometimes like because I just feel separate. I was explaining to Whitney that I have this theory about that feeling. You know how you will often hear in random interviews and E! True Hollywood Stories on people, particularly musicians, how they were ostracized by other kids growing up or didn't have a lot of friends in school or whatever else? I think they felt the way that I do. I think Christina Aguilera knows what I mean. I think Jessica Simpson would get what I'm saying. I think this would all make perfect sense to Madonna or Lady GaGa. In some ways, I take comfort in that feeling of difference and separation from the rest of the world. Then there are instances like right now, where I just kind of feel like shit about it. I'll have to talk to that friend again and try to explain what I am saying. I think he might get it, too.

I came to a decision last night, as well. I need to speak with my Uncle out in California. I need to stop putting it off and call him and talk to him about the concept of me moving out there, and find out for sure if I can stay with him or not. I have kind of complained about the fact that I feel like certain people don't really believe that I am serious about moving, and I've realized that maybe it is because I haven't made any concrete plans for it yet. I don't really have any doubt that my Uncle will be into the idea and I will be welcome to come stay, but I just feel really nervous about it. It is a lot to ask. I think if I emphasize the points that it will only be temporary and that I will gladly pay him rent it'll be okay. I'm pretty sure it'll be okay, either way, but I would feel more comfortable emphasizing those points. Right now I have the perfect excuse to call him, too, because I do want to thank him for sending me that check for Christmas. He really didn't have to, and it was very sweet of him to think of us. I am still very nervous asking for something so big, though. I'm sure I'll report all the details here once it is done. I just really feel like my mind is made up and I should start making some ACTUAL plans. At least, making as much of an actual plan as I can this far ahead. After all, I will also have to plan travel to get there, and getting all my crap there, all of which will take money, and you can generally save a good deal of money by making your plans in advance. Like I said, the decision is made so why delay doing the actual planning?

All in all, I can say that today has been a pretty good day. Not the best day I've ever had but, in comparison to the past two days, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I think I needed my time to be depressed and lonely and in a dark place to get to the place I am now; a place of action, and a place of looking ahead. The future is where I'm headed and instead of wallowing in self-pity about where I am now, I should be planting the seeds that will get me from this point to the point where I need to be. Life may not be the best in this moment but I am doing what I can to make sure that it gets better soon!

Chapter 50: Christmas Really Sucks

2:42pm

It is Christmas Day. It is the anniversary of the alleged birth of Jesus Christ. It is a day to spend our time, share in our joy and exchange gifts with the people that we love. I want no part of it. I have decided that all I want for Christmas is to not leave the confines of my 11x11 foot room. I don’t want to see anybody. I don’t want to hear from anybody. I don’t want to have to look at the world beyond what is held within these four walls. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to hear. I want to sleep.

I woke up at 10:30am and quietly snuck out of my bedroom and into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I was surprised to find that the living room was dark, aside from the lights from the mini Christmas tree we set up on an end table in there. I had expected my Mom and her boyfriend to be up and opening the gifts they bought each other. I was glad this was not the case and that I could sneak into the kitchen to get myself a drink. I noticed then that my Mom was in her bedroom sitting on the ground struggling with some sort of drawer. She spotted me and called me over. Her boyfriend was out getting coffee and she was trying to wrap some gifts for him while he was out, but she had put a few things into this drawer and, apparently, overstuffed it. She couldn’t get it open. I spent a few minutes try to help, but was unsuccessful and really just wound up getting in the way, so I took my drink and returned to my bedroom.

I sat down to the computer and checked out Twitter, where I found endless “Merry Christmas” messages from all the various people I follow. I continued reading, hoping for some sort of message that said something to how I am feeling today. I didn’t find anything. I did the same thing with Facebook, and didn’t find anything there, either. So, I turned to YouTube. I found something magical on YouTube. Something I was already aware of, but hadn’t really paid attention to before now: a song, by one of my favorite artists, Jay Brannan, called “Christmas Really Sucks.” I have listened to this song about 20 times so far today. It really is the definition of my feelings towards Christmas this year. “It’s just another day, at least it feels that way, it’s Christmas and I hate it, the streets are empty and so am I, to Merry Christmas I reply: Don’t put your trust in happy ever afters, fall if you must for simple things like laughter, you said you’d always be here, but then you had to go, Christmas really sucks this year, thought you should know…” I have decided that I am sharing my Christmas with Jay Brannan, and Jay Brannan only. He’s the only one who understands how I am feeling right now. I don’t even really understand what I’m feeling right now… but Jay Brannan does.

Around 1pm, I decided that I just wanted to sleep Christmas away. I wanted to spend the day reenacting that scene from “Sex & The City: The Movie,” when they all arrive in Mexico for Carrie’s Honeymoon and Carrie, in a fit of depression, just goes to sleep for a couple days. I would love to do that. Unfortunately, my body is no cooperating. I lied in bed for an hour and fell asleep for maybe 15 minutes. When I woke up I spent another 15 minutes or so struggling to decide whether or not I should go back out to the kitchen for a soda. I could hear that my Mom and her boyfriend were out there cooking and such, and I really just wanted to go unnoticed. Eventually, when it seemed like it quieted down and they were perhaps distracted with something else, I made my way out. I tried my best to avoid eye contact and just get in and get out. There was no soda in the refrigerator and I had to go get some from the living room. My Mom was at the kitchen table finishing up making some deviled eggs, which are a favorite holiday food item of mine, and wanted me to eat some. I ate two, got my soda and returned to the bedroom, where I have been sitting on Jay Brannan’s YouTube channel watching various videos of him performing. He just gets it. A lot of his music focuses on being alone in the world and feeling lonely, or longing for a connection. That is not how I feel in my life, in general, but it is certainly how I feel today. He gets it. I can’t help but imagine sometime down the road, when some other kid in some other city is having a terrible day and feeling something like I am, and the possibility that the way that Jay Brannan just GETS how I am feeling today will be the way that this kid in this city will feel about me. I know that there is no reason for me to feel so down today. I just need to remember what I am doing this for; what I am doing EVERYTHING for. It’s for that kid, and countless other kids out there, that feels alone and needs somebody to understand. That is my purpose in life. I can’t let my silly emotions get in the way of me being there for these people, the way Jay Brannan in there for me. I wonder if Jay Brannan knows that this is what he is doing for me, as well. I wonder if he is aware of that and if that is what he has always aspired to, as well. If that is the case, he is already there… and he should know about it. Maybe I will go email him and let him know.

8:04pm

Still Christmas. Still sucks. I did email Jay Brannan to let him know and thank him for being my companion this Christmas. I have yet to receive a response. I have corresponded with him a few times in the past, and he has always been very sweet and receptive to my varying levels of creepy devotion to him. That did actually make me feel better about the whole “I’m sad and alone and manic depressive on Christmas” thing. It really served as a reminder of what I am doing with my life, and helped me to reroute my focus to that, as opposed to the fact that I am spending Christmas alone in my room. I also made some interesting strides in the quest to write my first full-length musical composition. I have had the full vocal/melody part worked out already, but had not been able to figure out the chord/left-hand part of it, nor did I have a main riff or intro. I have yet to figure out the chords or anything, but I have come up with the main riff/intro, as well as adding a little flair to the general melody and such. It is shaping up nicely, I think. I have discovered this website, as well, that I think will be a great tool in my works. It is called D Chords and it teaches you, visually, how to play each chord. It is pretty cool and very handy.

8:54pm

Okay, sorry about that. I got called out to finally eat Christmas dinner, and my mother was being very impatient with me about it all. Anyway, back to detailing the day. I was feeling slightly better about the day after writing to Jay Brannan, but still did not want to deal with much of anything. I worked on my song, “A Breakthrough,” for a while and kind of tried to go back to sleep, but it didn’t work out. Eventually, I left the room for another drink and found out that my brother was planning on showing up this evening for a brief visit. He was coming to give my Mom her Christmas gift. When he arrived, she kind of flipped out that he bought her a gift, but the gift was very nice. He and his girlfriend bought her a collection of perfumes from Victoria’s Secret, as well as a gorgeous watch from Guess. It was very nice. Because she was so upset about my brother buying her a gift, I told her that when my sister does eventually show up, she’s going to be upset again. I also told her that I did not have a gift for her, which she was fine with. I knew she would be, but I still kind of feel like shit about it. My brother was only here for 30 minutes or so, and I barely spoke the entire time. After that, and after writing that brief bit I did earlier, I went out to have Christmas dinner with my Mom and her boyfriend. I barely spoke that whole time, either. I just don’t feel like talking today. I don’t feel like dealing with anybody or doing anything. I just want to be alone.

As I said before, though, writing to Jay Brannan really reminded me of what I am trying to do with my life. Nothing that is happening right now matters. Having a shitty Christmas doesn’t make a bit of difference in achieving my goals. Continuing work on my very first full-length musical composition DOES make a difference, though. It makes a HUGE difference. I just need to keep my focus on that. My friend Nate, (the one with the YouTube channel,) said to me yesterday that “Single-minded focus is what will get you through.” I need to keep reminding myself of that. Fighting with my sister, having a terrible day yesterday, hating the life I am living here in Florida… none of this should even be a blip on the radar right now. I have talked about how I need to be in the present moment and stop looking to the road laid out in front of me, but I think I was wrong about that. I think what I need to be doing is focusing on the future. Right now isn’t important. Right now is simply the bridge from where I’ve been to where I’m going. Right now is meaningless. I just have to take the time to appreciate the parts of right now that I love, and disregard the parts of right now that I hate. It’s that simple. I need to cherish my friends and my Mom who are always here for me, who I don’t have that much time left with, and do my best to ignore my job and the drama involved there, as well as anybody who doesn’t understand me and is unwilling to make the effort to. I don’t need any of that stuff. What I need is to learn and grow and take what I can from this time, and forget about all the rest of it. THAT is where my focus needs to be. I need to just keep walking this bridge until I am finally on the other side. Then, I can take a seat and figure out where to move from there; where to move in that moment.

3:05am

Christmas is officially over. I can honestly say that I think it was the worst one I've ever had. Not because of nothing going on or no gifts or any of that, but because of how I have felt today. Alone. That is how I have felt. Sometime shortly after midnight I turned to Oh No They Didn't and their Free For All Friday/Christmas post. ONTD, as those in the know refer to it, is a celebrity gossip site unlike any other. Instead of being a blog run by one person, like Perez Hilton, Just Jared or Pink Is The New Blog, it is a community on Livejournal, with all of it's posts being made by any of it's thousands of members. This may sound like a silly concept, but over the years it has broken multiple entertainment news stories, (Pete Wentz' nude pic scandal originated at ONTD, as well as them breaking the news of Jamie Lynn Spears' pregnancy,) and is frequented by various celebrities themselves, (Lily Allen has been quoted as saying she visits, and Eli Roth had the equivalent of a cyber-orgy with the community not long ago,) and because it is updated by so many different users, it has almost constantly got something new and interesting going on. The real selling point for ONTD, though, is the comments on each post. The community is full of hilarious, interesting, sometimes straight up nasty commentary about whatever the topic of the post may be. One thing they do weekly is what they call "Free For All Friday." This is, essentially, a post where members can comment on whatever the hell they want. I normally don't get too involved in the commenting but, like I said before, it was a messed up day and I was feeling the need to make some sort of connection. I wound up in the FFAF post for quite some time, mainly talking back and forth with a girl named Kelly, who is trying to save up money to go to Perth, Australia to do some missionary work. We had a very nice comment conversation and it helped me to pass the time this evening, as well as to feel some sort of connection to the outside world. So, my gratitude goes out to that girl named Kelly. I kind of needed her tonight.

I realize that this is probably the most inconsistent blog I have ever posted and I sadly can't think of any way to tie it all together in the end. It is nearly 4am, and I should be getting to bed. I don't know why, really, considering I don't have any plans for the weekend at all, and will likely spend the rest of the weekend the same way I spent Christmas: Alone in my room. It could be worse, and I know that, but that doesn't make me feel any less shitty than I do right now. What can I say? "Christmas really sucks this year, thought you should know..."

Chapter 49: X-Static Process

I don't know what to say. I was just about halfway through a blog post about today, one of the worst days I have had in a very long time, but I just couldn't continue with it. I realized that it was far too overwrought and just a general downer about how terrible the world is and how I am just sitting on the sidelines watching it all pass me by. THAT IS NOT WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE. It is just SO easy to become frustrated with the world I am living in right now, especially after a day like I had today.

I woke up around 6:45am, and had a brilliant idea! I thought to myself, "Hey, we are gonna be completely dead at work today and have way too many people there for Christmas Eve, and I only have one issue this month, so I should just take issues and leave at 1pm when my Mom gets off!" This sounded like a great plan to me and as soon as I got to work I ran it by my supervisor/sister and, much to my surprise, she seemed to go along with it. In fact, she told me she was doing some last minute Christmas shopping when she left work at noon and I could come along and try to find a Christmas present for my Mom. As I've mentioned before, my brother, sister and I all agreed that we wouldn't buy gifts for each other, but that we would all buy for my Mom. Unfortunately, due to my lack of driving ability and nobody really being around lately, I hadn't actually been able to go shop for a gift for her yet. So, since my sister was going today, anyway, I could just tag along and that problem would be solved. Now, we had four people scheduled to work until 5pm, our holiday close time, one leaving at noon and one leaving at 3:30pm. Like I said, this was really much more than necessary. I spent the morning happily chatting with my co-workers, and anxiously awaiting noon when we had decided I could leave to go shop with my sister. Nobody really objected to this and it was a pretty solid plan. Then one of my co-workers scheduled until 5pm called in to say that he wouldn't just be coming in late, but he wouldn't be coming in at all. It wasn't a big deal, that just meant that if I left at noon there would be two people from 3:30pm to 5pm, instead of the three that weren't really necessary, anyway. Well, then one of the other departments got busy for about a minute, so one of the people who was scheduled until 5pm and was trained in both departments, had to switch over to a different one. That meant that if that department remained busy, she would have to stay in that department and there would only be one of our people working until 5pm. Fortunately, as I said, that department only stayed busy for a minute and she wound up switching back to ours. Crisis averted, or so I thought.

Noon came around and I packed up all my things to leave when my sister and her girlfriend didn't even bother to pull me aside, I had to pull them aside myself, to tell me that it really wouldn't look good if I were to leave early. It was bullshit and was infuriated. Initially I was like, "I don't care how it looks, I just want to go." Then they laid it on real thick about how I am applying for a promotion and it really wouldn't look good if I were to leave early today. They even went as far as to imply that my team would be pissed off at me and would rally against me, as they have so many others before. They basically just guilted me into staying, and I was fucking enraged by this. They told me that our program manager had the final say, and he would reconsider come 3:30pm. That was it. Well, actually, that wasn't it. It was a whole lot of making me feel bad about myself for wanting to leave, and fucking bullshit manipulations to convince me to stay there. I spent the next few hours there throwing a bigger fit than any child I have ever seen.

Then came a glimmer of hope. Our team lead was on the phone with the program manager. As soon as she got off the phone I went over to her and was like, "I still want to go home if said somebody could." She reminded me, even though I already knew, that one of my other co-workers wanted to go home, as well. That co-worker and I had both kind of written off her request previously, because I had already said I'd be willing to take the issues for it and she couldn't. Issues are kind of like our "allowances" at work. If we get 6 issues in one month, we are written up. The way the issues work is that if you miss less than 2 hours of your shift, like being late or leaving early, you get 1 issue. If you miss more than 2 hours of your shift, or the entire shift, you get 2 issues. I only have 1 issue this month, and my co-worker had 4. If I left at noon, I would have had 3 issues and not been in danger of a write up. If she left early, she would have had 6 issues and gotten written up. There is an exception to the issue rule, though, and that is if the program manager sends you home, due to low call volume, which is what was happening at this point. This co-worker had told me how she had to go do a few different last minute things for her kids for Christmas and would have to be rushing around after 5pm before places close. So, when the team lead reminded me that she wanted to leave, too, I didn't really say anything. Shortly after this, though, she went on break and apparently on her way to break told our team lead that she would stay and I could go. I still haven't decided if that was a genuine nice thing she did because she knew how upset I was, or if it was the most brilliant manipulative move ever! As soon as my team lead told me that she volunteered to stay, as much as I wanted to be like, "YES!!!" I knew what I had to do. As soon as she got back from break, I told her that it was very nice of her to offer, but that she really should go ahead and go. My plans for finding a gift for my Mom were already ruined, anyway. I actually tried calling and text messaging my sister multiple times throughout the rest of the day to see if they would take me to try to find something after work, and never got a response.

I realized during that time that staying at work wasn't what upset me at all, really. Sure, that was annoying but it wasn't the actual issue. The real issue was my sister and her girlfriend ganging up on me and basically giving me a verbal beatdown to get me to stay at work. As I mentioned in one of my recent blog posts, I have been feeling like my sister has been avoiding my requests to spend time with them or anything, and this was the final straw to make it perfectly clear that it is actually happening. I realize now that I don't need to make any effort to spend time with people that don't want to spend time with me. I don't need them on my side, and I don't need to concern myself with what they think of me because they have made it clear that they are not interested in getting past the ideas that they have gotten about me from somewhere else. I have changed a lot. I am not the person that I used to be, but they refuse to see that. So, fuck it. Fuck anybody who can't or won't see it. I don't need them to see it. I don't need anybody to see it. I CAN SEE IT. That is the only thing that matters at all. Nobody else's opinion of me makes a difference in my opinion of myself, so why should I even bother trying to make them see it.

This brought me to another realization. I have decided to withdraw my application for the promotion. There are two major reasons for this. First of all, the fact that they decided to use it against me today. I do not need anything in my life that can be wielded against me like a weapon. I do not need to be made any more vulnerable to people in the workplace. I don't think any raise or being able to list management on my resume once I move is worth having that kind of added stress in my life. I may never reach a management position in my lifetime and it honestly has never been a REAL goal of mine. It is not something I aspire to, in the long run, so why have I been chasing it at my past few jobs? It has been nothing but wasted time; completely pointless. No more of that. The other reason for this would be that I had a discussion with one of my co-workers about the other guy who applied for the position. It would really make a huge difference in his life and be a really good thing for him, both in and outside the workplace. Also, he wants it really bad; much more than I had thought previously. I, on the other hand, have said over and over again how it really wouldn't make a difference in my life whether I get it or not. It is not going to affect my life, in the long run, and I would only be doing it for a short while, anyway. Most importantly, I don't really care all that much. This particular position isn't even the one I really wanted, anyway. Thinking about it in those terms, it kind of makes it feel wrong of me to pursue it when there is somebody else who it would do a world of good for. Plus, if I withdraw my application, his is the only one left and he is perfectly capable of doing the job and would probably do it better than I would, anyway. So, why take away his opportunity to advance in a place where I no longer have an interest in advancing?

I text messaged my dear friend Nate, (the one with the YouTube Channel,) and said, "Do you ever feel like the world is spinning around in front of you, and you are just sitting and watching from the sidelines? I do." He responded with something interesting. He said, "Yeah but the good part is... even the fastest merry go round stops to let new people on." That is a really interesting, positive, not to mention adorable, way to look at it. As I told him, though, my merry go round is 6 months and 3,000 miles away. I am so ready for it, though. This evening, as I have been sitting here writing this blog, I had to stop a couple times to literally sob into my own hands because I was thinking about how much I really kind of hate my life here now. That isn't entirely true, I know, and is likely just the effects of this awful day wearing down on me. I just don't know how to handle the next 6 months. There are plenty of wonderful aspects of my life right now that I am going to miss terribly once I am gone. They are just really hard to see right now, because all I can see is California. It is all I can think about peacefully. It is the only thing that seems interesting or exciting or joyful in any way right now. That is not true, either. I am very happy for the people around me. I think the issue is that I am happy for what is happening to people around me, but right now absolutely nothing is happening to me directly. Like my text message said, I feel like the world is spinning in front of me. People are growing. People are changing. People are moving on with their lives... and I am just here watching. It's so stupid. I've got immense changes planned. I am making my future happen. I am making my dreams come true. I am doing what I have to do to get myself back to that place I was in, back in 2007, when I was genuinely happy with my life and I was living my "Nolita Fairytale," (the Vanessa Carlton song.) It is just extremely frustrating having to wait.

This is, I think, in some ways what Madonna was talking about in one of my favorite songs of her entire career, "X-Static Process." I kind of feel like I am in the midst of my own X-Static Process right now... and, like Madonna says in a different song, "Waiting is the hardest thing." It may not be exactly what the song is talking about but still, it is an X-Static Process.

"I'm not myself when you're around. I'm not myself standing in a crowd. I'm not myself and I don't know how. I'm not myself, myself right now. I'm not myself when you go quiet. I'm not myself alone at night. I'm not myself, don't know who to call. I'm not myself at all. Jesus Christ, will you look at me? Don't know who I'm supposed to be. Don't really know if I should give a damn. When you're around I don't know who I am. I always wished that I could find someone as beautiful as you, but in the process I forgot that I was special, too. I always wished that I could find someone as talented as you, but in the process I forgot that I was just as good as you."

Chapter 48: Empire State Of Mind, Part II: Broken Down

I have absolutely no motivation to write this blog tonight. I just feel exhausted; mentally exhausted. It's kinda funny, too, considering there really isn't all that much of significance going on around me. It isn't really about what's going on around me, though. It is about the seeds being planted around me; The things that are on the verge of happening but have not happened yet, and the decisions I have to make that will affect those things. I am having this problem lately, though, that is really effecting me in the worst possible ways. That problem is this: I have already checked out of my life here. Decisions that need to be made and tasks that need to be completed here all feel really unimportant to me because whatever comes of any of it isn't something I'll have to deal with for long. I have trouble remembering that the world does not revolve around me, though, and have to keep reminding myself that Florida will not just stop existing once I leave. The decisions that I make here and the tasks that I fail to complete will have an effect on the people who will still be here after I leave. It's just become so difficult for me to really feel present here, because my mind has already packed up and moved.

The chorus to the recently dethroned number one song in the country, "Empire State Of Mind" by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys says, "Even if it ain't all it seems, I got a pocketful of dreams, Baby, I'm from New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, There's nothing you can't do, Now you're in New York, These streets will make you feel brand new, Big lights will inspire you, Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York..." Replace New York with Los Angeles and you can see exactly where my head is at. Admittedly, my head is a little closer to the Alicia Keys solo version, "Empire State Of Mind, Part II: Broken Down." It is a beautiful song, (both versions are,) but the Alicia Keys version is really close to my heart. It is basically a song about growing up in a big city, trying to make your dreams come true. That has been my mission all along but for the past 5 years I have been on sabbatical of sorts. I don't know what I've been doing for the past 5 years, honestly. Actually, that is a lie. The past 5 years have been spent growing into a fully functional adult who will be capable of really actively pursuing his dreams and will be ready to handle them once they do finally come true. That mission has been accomplished now, though, and it is time to get back to my own concrete jungle where dreams are made of. There ISN'T anything I can't do. Those streets WILL make me feel brand new. The bright lights WILL inspire me. Let's hear it for LA!

Alicia Keys has been an extremely pleasant surprise to me recently. Like I said before, I absolutely loved her first album but kinda liked each album after that a little less. The new album, "The Element Of Freedom" is absolutely my favorite of her records, though, and it has totally inspired me to go back and reassess my thoughts on the other albums. While I still connect to the first record more than the other two, listening to them all again, I have realized that I think each album has gotten better than the previous. I mean this in terms of the technicals. Each album has gotten a little slicker, the production has gotten a little bit better while never robbing the songs of their emotional core, (which often happens when production gets bigger.) Her music has also inspired me a LOT lately, particularly because she is a classically trained pianist but has found a way to make current, modern music with that training. Also, I love that she writes such introspective, insightful, emotionally-charged lyrics to catchy melodies. She is an immense talent, and I am officially in love with her. I have always been a fan, but I have completely fallen in love with her since hearing "The Element Of Freedom." I am making it my new mini-project to learn some of her songs on the keyboard.

It's just becoming so frustrating lately dealing with all of the bullshit involved in my day-to-day life, particularly in the workplace. I am just so anxious to get started on my new life. I know that I need to deal with this life first, and it will all be so much sweeter being able to go back there and say that I left here with everything resolved and knowing that the people I care about here are taken care of. The universe is setting up my exit to be absolutely perfect, and I just have to be patient. Despite my many virtues, patience is one I do not possess. So, I will just have to force it to exist in me, or prove myself wrong by finding that it is already there. That doesn't make it any less difficult dealing with the dramas going on around me... especially when there always manages to be some way for me to get involved in these dramas. At the place that shall not be named for security purposes, my co-workers and I all work in pretty close proximity. Because of the closeness in which we work, when there is a conflict between two people it never takes long for it to escalate into full-blown drama. As I mentioned in last night's blog post, one such drama took place yesterday... and today the "investigation" began. Apparently, in the midst of this investigation some allegations were made that could be detrimental to people who I care about a lot and, of course, it just so happens that I am able to debunk them. As soon as the drama happened yesterday, I just knew somehow I would wind up dragged into it. It's nobody's fault really, and of course I am going to do what I have to do to clear the matter up for people who it could wind up harming. Still, I find the whole situation, and the fact that I have to get involved in any way, extremely annoying. As I said, though, no matter how annoying it may be I don't really have a choice but to step in and do what I can to make things right. I just wish people could learn to take a step back from these situations before flying off the handle. I don't understand why it is so difficult for certain people to just avoid being an idiot and keep their mouths shut. I know I may not have the most patience, but I do know how to control my mouth and I find that to be a very important quality; one that it seems not many possess.

Aside from all of that, it was a pretty relaxed day at work. The rest of our program had their Secret Santa gift exchanges and such, while I sat in my cubicle and was all "Bah Humbug" about it all. I had some good conversations with a few of my co-workers today, which is always pleasant, and just spent the day waiting for the end of the day. It felt like it was never going to come, though. This day, in particular, felt unbearable. We were extremely slow and spent much of today just sitting around not doing much of anything. I kept trying to hit up my sister to make plans for this weekend, mainly so I could get out of the house this weekend while my Mom has her boyfriend here. My sister, however, pretty much refused to commit to anything. It was irritating, but I can't really blame her for it since she doesn't really know her own plans for Christmas or the weekend. One thing I am very glad for, though, is getting Christmas out of the way finally. I don't have a gift for my Mom, which really sucks. Despite the fact that my brother, sister and I all agreed we weren't going to do presents for each other, we all still said we would be buying presents for my Mom. Still, I am here without any gift for my Mom. I feel pretty shitty about that, honestly, but I never had the time or the opportunity to go find anything for her. It sucks but she isn't expecting anything from me, anyway, so I guess she won't be disappointed. I absolutely hate Christmas this year. It just serves as one big reminder that my life is kind of in fail mode right now. That is actually not true at all: My life is nowhere near fail mode. My life is absolutely on the right track. It is headed in the right direction. It just isn't there yet and, as I have been saying, that is extremely frustrating to me.

What else is frustrating me right now? The fact that it is almost midnight and I have to be to work at 8am tomorrow. I requested the day off, not officially, but we are working on half staff and there were 6 slots available for people to take the day off for Christmas Eve. I told my sister that I would not mind taking the day off if those 6 slots were not filled, so she gave me one of them. After all 6 slots were filled, another co-worker decided she wanted the day off, too, so my sister told her she should ask me about it. This girl asked me, and like a sucker I gave up my slot for her. It's not a big deal, but at this point I am a little annoyed at myself because I could spend tomorrow just chilling at home and instead I have to go sit in that place for eight hours. It all feels like such a waste of time. I know it isn't, though. I just need to remind myself constantly that I need this job for the next six months, and can't afford to fuck around and lose it. I really don't foresee myself being in any danger of losing my job, but I also need to continue performing it up to my personal standards. Like I said, it is very important to me to make an appropriate exit from the state of Florida, and I know that the universe is working in my favor. The only thing that can possibly stand in my way at this point is myself, and I absolutely refuse to get in my own way in this case. After all, "Baby, I'm from LA, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing I can't do, Now I'm in LA, These streets will make me feel brand new, big lights will inspire me, let's hear it for LA, LA, LA..."