Chapter 9: Stronger Woman

1:07pm

I woke up at 11am this morning and the first thing I did was turn off my phone. I already saw that I had a couple text messages and emails from overnight, and while it was a struggle for me not to check them, I just turned the phone off. My automatic instinct upon waking up was to go to the computer and bring up Firefox, which would automatically bring up EchoFon, (which is a Firefox add-on that attaches to the bottom of the screen and brings up your Twitter feed since the last time you signed on, and pops up any tweets that come in during your online session.) That was a bit of a struggle, as well. Instead, I got up and did the normal morning routine, excluding Internet or my phone. This basically boiled down to going to the bathroom and brushing my teeth. I woke up kind of hungry this morning so the next thing I did was prepare breakfast, which consisted of a Hot Pocket and some leftover pasta salad from sometime last week.

I wasn’t sure what I should do to start off the day of Communication Deprivation. I was still very out of sorts from having just woken up and it seemed too early for reading or anything that in-depth, so I decided to do some of my limited DVD watching for the day right off the bat. I threw in “An Evening With Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder,” which I have had for a while, but had yet to ever actually watch. The “Evening With Kevin Smith” DVDs are basically just filmed Q & As that he has done at college campuses discussing his films and such. A lot of people are surprised to learn this about me, but Kevin Smith is one of my favorite filmmakers. I first discovered him when I lived in Arkansas and saw a trailer for “Chasing Amy” attached to “Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion,” which was my favorite movie at the time. I would watch that movie over and over again, to the point that I could quote the entire movie along with it. I actually memorized every single line of it. Watching this movie so much, I watched that “Chasing Amy” trailer about a million times, as well, and always thought it looked really funny and interesting, so eventually I decided to go out and rent it. I fell in love with that movie the first time I watched it, and it still remains my favorite of Kevin Smith’s movies. At the time, in Arkansas, I lived with my sister, her friend and my Mom, and I made them all watch this movie with me and we all loved it. This led us into watching all of Kevin Smith’s movies and all becoming big fans of his. My sister kind of became the biggest fan, though, and has since kind of molded herself into her own lesbian version of Kevin Smith. He is like her idol.

It’s funny, looking back over the years, to realize how much stuff that I have introduced to other people only to have them become an even bigger fan of these things and, like my sister with Kevin Smith, have them become a part of their identity in a lot of ways. It’s a similar case with my Mom and the Scissor Sisters, and a few different friends of mine with one of my personal favorite bands, The Veronicas. It’s as if I have actually managed to make a major impact on their lives simply by sharing something that I enjoy. I have always had a passion for sharing the things that I enjoy with the people around me, and it is always great to see others enjoy these things as much, and even more, than I do. Of course, there have been a lot of things that I have tried sharing with others that have not gone over so well. Those are mainly indie movies; gay-themed indie movies. Probably my favorite movie of all-time (aside from “Mean Girls,” of course,) is the John Cameron Mitchell film, “Shortbus.” I have tried sharing this film with a lot of different people and nobody else seems to catch on to it the way that I did. The thing with “Shortbus” is that it is a very graphically sexual film and I think a lot of people get too caught up in, and put off by, that aspect of it and miss out on the actually emotion behind it all. It is really an amazing film that I will still recommend to anybody.

While watching the “Evening With Kevin Smith” DVD, though, I realized something interesting about myself. I found it kind of difficult to focus on what was happening on the DVD because I just had the urge to be doing something else while watching it. This made me stop and think about the fact that, in general, anytime I am watching TV or a movie or anything I always have my phone in my hand. I spend a large portion of the time I am watching any TV show or movie doing something else on my phone, be it looking at things online or just playing one of those games that come built in to the phone. It just makes me wonder about when exactly I lost the ability to just focus on something in front of me and give it my full attention. This also made me think about my work. I find myself having trouble focusing at work, as well, and doing other silly things like drawing or playing Sudoku while I work. It makes perfect sense to me now that perhaps these things are the reason I have trouble focusing. I need to get myself back into a place where I am able to focus fully on what is in front of me and not feel the need to always have other things to distract me. This is something I now recognize and am committed to working on from this point on.

It really is silly, though, the places my mind wandered while watching a simple two-hour DVD. I was paying attention to what was happening on screen, but then I was also thinking about drawing the words “Sometimes I run away” into the shape of a heart. I was thinking about maybe watching some “adult” entertainment and doing the things that one does when watching such entertainment. I was thinking about whether or not my sister is going to show up today or tomorrow with cat food because my Mom asked her to bring some over the weekend. It wouldn’t be good if she showed up today, as that would not really play into the Communication Deprivation Experiment. Of course, there has already been a small wrench thrown into the Communication Deprivation Experiment. Aside from the Facebook post announcing it, the only other person I told about this experiment was my Mom, and I told her that if there were any emergencies or anything that was urgent that she needed to reach me about to call our house phone. Well, the house phone started ringing earlier. It was not my Mom, but it was my brother. I couldn’t imagine what he would be calling for or why he would be calling the house phone as opposed to my or my Mom’s cell phone, so my mind automatically went to something being horribly wrong and my Mom not being able to reach me and having my brother call instead. This was not the case. Instead, it was my brother and his girlfriend testing out a new bluetooth device they had purchased and accidentally hitting our number, as opposed to his girlfriend’s Mom’s number. Then, my brother called back to apologize for the first call and just to say hey. Then a third call from them, but they hung up before I could answer it. No new information was learned from any of those calls, though, except that they bought some sort of bluetooth device that apparently plays the call over your car’s speaker system. It’s interesting, but nothing that will influence on my flow of thought… or is it? I am sitting here talking about it, so obviously it has had an influence on the flow of thoughts in me. So, the experiment is a little thrown off track, but not enough to be abandoned at this point.

Now, I am going to watch the second disc of “An Evening With Kevin Smith 2” and attempt to fully focus on what is happening on the DVD. This is something that will require some practice and I think Kevin Smith is a good place to start.

5:34pm

I am now 6.5 hours into the Communication Deprivation Experiment and I think it is going well. When I wrote the first portion of this blog earlier, the plan was to watch the second disc of “An Evening With Kevin Smith 2.” When I first stepped away from that post I wasn’t necessarily in the mood to go back to that just yet, so I decided to try something else for a little while. I started looking through my books to perhaps do a little reading for a while, and the books that kind of jumped out at me were these two different instructional books on playing guitar. I have a guitar that has been sitting in my closet basically ever since I got it. Not exactly, but it has spent more time in the closet or tossed aside somewhere than it has gotten use. I have, in the past, made several attempts to teach myself how to play it and decided that maybe Communication Deprivation would be just the driving force I needed to finally teach myself for real. I really feel like the only way I am going to get to where I need to be in life, the only way I am going to achieve the dreams that are the only real goals I have in life, is to learn how to write music. Today’s attempt at the guitar has left me only feeling kind of confirmed in a thought that I had already: The guitar may just not be my instrument.

Every time I sit down with the guitar I only wind up frustrated and questioning whether or not my dreams are realistic. Of course, my dreams are realistic and I know that I have what it takes to make them come true… but perhaps not with a guitar. There are other options out there. I think, for what I want to do, my best bet would be the piano. Of course, I cannot afford a real piano nor do I have the space for one but a keyboard could certainly be enough to learn on. Plus, a keyboard can do a lot of other things, aside from just piano. They make keyboards with different synth elements and such nowadays, and a keyboard can be hooked up to the computer for recording purposes and working with different software programs. I think my next major investment will be a keyboard. Another appeal of the keyboard is that a lot of the great songwriters of our time, and songwriters who have been a big inspiration to me, have worked with a piano. My biggest inspiration on the piano, as strange as it may sound, would probably be Barry Manilow. My Mom is a huge Barry Manilow fan, or Fanilow, and my brother, sister and I were all brought up with his music. The thing I love about Barry Manilow is that all of his music is so versatile, (just look at the years that American Idol did Barry Manilow weeks,) and it is all very timeless and classic. While my personal songwriting style is not very similar to his, one thing that I really do aspire to is writing songs that people will be able to hear 20 and 30 years from now and have them still feel fresh and relevant and current and… just classic. Barry Manilow does that. So, I think if I am going to make this work, and if I am going to create a record at the end of this year long blog project, purchasing a keyboard sooner than later will be a key element. I think, if nothing else, that may be the revelation that comes out of this day and I am grateful for it. As soon as I allow myself back on the Internet I fully intend to begin pricing keyboards and devise a plan for saving money to get myself one.

After dicking around with and becoming frustrated by the guitar, I decided to try something else that I haven’t done in quite some time: Yoga. Geri Yoga, to be exact. As I mentioned in a previous blog, back in 2007 I was on the top of my game in life and things just came so much easier to me. I felt better, not just emotionally but physically. I felt more centered and much more present in my day-to-day life. I’ve realized that this whole concept of being present is something that my life has really been lacking since back then. In thinking about where I even came up with the concept of being present and realized that I got it from this DVD I bought back then called “Geri Yoga.” It is a Yoga DVD that you do along with the instructors, like any other fitness DVD, but much better because it is presented and hosted by Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice.

I know I’ve mentioned on here that in 2007 I flew out to Los Angeles to see the Spice Girls Reunion Tour, but I didn’t go into too much detail on my feelings about the Spice Girls. Back in 1997, when they first hit in America, Don and I both became completely obsessed with them and their music has really attached itself to a lot of our shared memories of our developmental years. Even in later years, we would still drive around to clubs and such, listening to their albums and picking which girl’s parts we were going to sing, (in general, I was Geri and Melanie C, Don would be Melanie B and Victoria, and we would alternate Emma.) There is a huge sentimentality for both of us attached to the Spice Girls, and getting to see them live, altogether, for the very first time together ten years after the fact was an amazing experience for both of us. In any sense, Geri Halliwell wasn’t necessarily my favorite of the group, (it was, and still is, Melanie C,) but I always liked her a lot. I especially gained a lot of respect for her after reading her first book, “If Only,” which is still amongst my favorite books I have ever read. I followed her solo career, (btw, I highly recommend any of her solo albums and think she is a much better songwriter than she has ever been given credit for,) and have kept abreast of anything that has gone on with her career. So, while working at Borders, (the bookstore, where I worked up until June of 2008,) I was pretty shocked to see, when stocking the DVD section, her face on the cover of something going into the fitness section. I bought it that day and began doing it every day. I also quit smoking during that time, which was probably helpful in doing yoga, due to the emphasis it places on breathing. It really did help out a lot. I would do it every morning and it helped me to start the day feeling energized and centered and present. The fitness expert who instructs the DVD alongside Geri, a woman named Katy Appleton, says at one point that we are not actually alive in the future or the past, and the breathing exercises involved in yoga are what help us to be “in the present moment.” I find that whole concept very inspiring and I really feel like I needed to be reminded of that. Back when I was doing this yoga program regularly, I would use the breathing exercises outside of it throughout my day to help me to be present. I found that to be very helpful in day-to-day life, and I am not sure what made me stop doing it. I am not sure what made me stop doing the yoga, either. Well, today I decided to give it another shot. I only did the first “warm-up” section of the DVD, because it has been long enough that I have gotten rusty, and I felt amazing afterwards. I really am wondering why I ever would have stopped doing this. I think I am going to start doing it again, just a few days a week to start. It really was very helpful to me back when I did it regularly, and I think could be just as helpful, (if not more helpful,) where I am now in life. I also think it could be a big help to me as far as regaining my focus in life. Right now, focus is exactly what I need in my work and in my life. In order to achieve my goals in both arenas, I am going to need to regain my focus. It is what will get me to where I want to be.

After doing the yoga, I finally decided to go back to the Kevin Smith DVD. It was much more peaceful watching it this time and I struggled a lot less with needing something else to do in the midst of it. Okay, so I did cut my toenails and give myself a manicure while I watched… but at least I was doing something else that was productive. Kevin Smith is really a brilliant guy, and hilarious. His films are amazing, but sometimes what is even better about them is listening to his commentary tracks on them, or just listening to him talk. I subscribe to his podcast, Smodcast, on iTunes, as well, which is always hilarious and a fun listen. The “Evening With Kevin Smith” DVDs are always my favorite, though. They are just a lot of fun, while also being really interesting and informative… and full of dick jokes. I really enjoy learning about the film industry, even though I really don’t have much desire to take part in it. My sister and I made an attempt at screenwriting in the past, writing a film called “Dykes: The Movie.” That was really her project, though, and I was just a sounding board. I also have this short story I wrote that I really dream of bringing to the world in some way or another at some point in my life. I don’t know if I would like to do it in the form of a film or as a stage play or even as a musical, (although I think the whole concept is a little dark for a musical.) Film would really be the best medium for it. Essentially, it is the story of a girl who is a big social outcast and has a male voice in her head. She is, along with the voice in her head, obsessed with a guy who she thinks might be gay. Through a random chain of events throughout this one particular day in her life you figure out that the male voice in her head is actually the person on the outside, a young, gay man who has become so oppressed that he has convinced himself that he is actually a girl. I don’t know where the concept came from or anything, but it is a story that I dream of sharing with the world someday.

One dream at a time, though, and music takes precedence over anything else.

10:43pm

Since the last time I updated this blog entry, I have to admit I have wanted to give up on the Communication Deprivation Experiment a few times. When I first ended the previous blog update, I decided to lie down in bed and read for a bit. So, I picked up a book that I have been trying to read for a little while now, “Taming Chaos” by Rav P.S. Berg, patriarch of the Berg family who are the heads of the Kabbalah Center International and have all written numerous books on the topic of Kabbalah. My personal favorite author of the family is Yehuda Berg, the youngest son. He has written a series of books called “Technology For The Soul,” and I have read the entire series. He writes about Kabbalah in a way that makes it very upbeat, as well as making it accessible and relatable to everyone. The reason I have been trying to get through “Taming Chaos” for so long is that, unfortunately, Rav P.S. Berg does not do that so much. I find the writing very stiff and get bored with it very easily. Needless to say, I got about a chapter and a half in and… well, I think I fell asleep. I’m not 100% sure, but I think I did. It was only briefly, I know, because I was playing the new Rihanna album as I read and I’m pretty sure I fell asleep during track number 3 and the next thing I knew track number 6 was ending. I have absolutely no recollection of hearing tracks 4 or 5, so I assume I must have fallen asleep.

In any sense, it was at this point that I knew that reading was not going to be helpful to me at this point. It was also at this point that I started staring down my cell phone, and thinking things like, “Well, what if I turn it on and not do anything with it?” or “What if I turn it on and only play games on it?” I know myself well enough to know that once I turned it on, there was no way in hell I was just going to play games on it. Then I found myself thinking, “Well, what if I just go online on the computer, but avoid any sites with news stories or anything along those lines?” I keep finding myself thinking, “OMG what if the Adam Lambert record leaked today?” If it did, it will still be there in the morning.

I did fight off these urges for quite a while longer by making dinner, (a very nutritious, well-rounded meal of hot dogs and potato chips,) and sitting down to watch another DVD that I have owned for a very long time, but never actually watched, “RENT: Live On Broadway.” I am a huge fan of musical theatre, although I haven’t actually seen a lot of it. I love listening to Original Cast Recordings, though, and piecing together the story based on the music. I used to have this group of friends who were all involved in different local theatre productions and such and they were the ones who introduced me to “RENT.” It was the first real non-film musical I had ever really paid any attention to, and I became completely obsessed with it. Now, years later, I realize that it was the perfect introduction into musical theatre for me, (and I think for so many others, which is what made it such a huge sensation,) because it was a stage musical, but the bulk of the songs are written like a pop or rock song, which made them much easier for me to attach myself to. Since then, I have become a huge fan of musical theatre, including what has become my absolute favorite musical of all-time, “Wicked.” Other musical theatre favorites would include “Avenue Q,” “Hairspray,” and, a show based on the film that has been one of my life’s biggest inspirations, “Legally Blonde.” “RENT,” however, will always hold a very special place in my heart not only because it was my first, but because it hits me in a way that no other film or stage show has hit me before. I see so much of myself in so many of the characters and, while I am not living on the street or living with AIDS, I can understand and relate to their situations in many ways. It is just a magical show, and it is such a shame that it has ended it’s run on Broadway. The “RENT: Live On Broadway” DVD is a filming of what was supposed to be the shows last performance, (although they extended it’s run, and this wound up not being the finale.) The show is stunning on DVD and I recommend it to anyone and everyone. It is simply brilliant, heartbreaking, uplifting, inspirational and so many other adjectives it would take too long to list. I was sobbing by the end of the DVD. Then I wanted to go online and find out more about the actor playing Mark in this particular performance, (he was gorgeous and talented and played Mark in a way I had never thought of him before.)

I have decided to end the experiment early. The plan, initially, was to go 24 hours from the time I woke up this morning. I have now decided, instead, to make it 24 hours from the time I went to bed last night. I was asleep by 1am last night, and I didn’t have any communication with the outside world from that point on… so, technically, I did still do 24 hours. The main reason I have decided to do this, though, is that I feel that the experiment has already accomplished what it needed to. It did not accomplish what it set out to, which was to spend an entire day alone with myself and discover some new things about myself by way of being completely alone with my thoughts. That did not happen, mainly because I wasn’t REALLY alone with my thoughts; I was alone with my DVDs. At the end of the day, though, I have realized that while this may have been my original intention for the experiment, it was not what the experiment was REALLY meant for. The reason I felt so strongly about doing this experiment and was so drawn to it was not to discover new things about myself at all – it was to rediscover things that I already knew. It was to remind me of the feeling I got from yoga and kind of take back a big part of what helped me to lead the life of peace and joy that I lead before, and to force me into realizing that the guitar is not going to get me where I need to be, musically, but that I need to seek out a new instrument. Even though it did not go as expected, I do consider this experiment a success!

…a sham, sure, but still a success!

11:40pm

Eh, fuck it. My cell phone is officially turned back on.

…& it appears that an (almost) entire day away went pretty much unnoticed. I had three text messages informing me of Facebook comments. That’s it. Maybe it is time to re-evaluate some situations in my life. Perhaps I will elaborate more on that tomorrow. Now, though, it is time to go wallow in self-pity.

No, it is not. What I am doing right now is what I mentioned previously as reactive behavior and this is the time to resist. I have a lot of work to do on myself… but I feel like I am off to an excellent start, even if nobody notices. I don’t need their notice. The only one who needs to recognize any change in me is me. It’s like Jewel said, “I’m gonna love myself more than anyone else, believe in me even if someone can’t see a stronger woman in me.” Thank you, Jewel. I needed to be reminded of that.