Chapter 17: Tidal Wave

I woke up after 1pm today. Bad move. I guess I can't be shocked, I wound up awake until well after 6am, so it's no surprise. Still, I would have rather have woken up when my alarm went off at 11:30am and been a little more tired than usual throughout the day. Either way, though, it wound up a pretty uneventful day. Not in the bad way, like last week, but just relaxing and spending the day watching TV and doing laundry.

I watched the one remaining episode of Oprah on my DVR, an episode from last week with Lisa Ling and Jenna Jameson discussing women viewing porn. Apparently, 1 in 3 porn consumers are women. I buy it. I don't understand why people think women are so above having sexual urges and exploring them as much as anybody else. It was a pretty informative episode of Oprah, though, and Jenna Jameson actually comes across as a very genuine, intelligent woman. She also seems a little stuck up her own ass, (which could make a good movie, except that she has "retired" now,) but I can still respect that. She has been the most successful woman in the adult industry and has built her own empire. I say good for her, even if she is well aware of all her own accomplishments. I tend to be aware, and free with sharing, my own accomplishments, as well, so I would be best to sit inside my glass house and leave all the stones alone.

After that, I sat down and watched a movie that I had seen ages ago in the theater, but never watched again until today: Cabin Fever. Eli Roth, as I may have mentioned in previous entries, is my kind of guy. I just find him irresistible! This was one of him films and the first time I saw it I wasn't very impressed, but my tastes have changed a bit since then, so I decided to give it another chance. I must say, that movie is hilarious and contains some absolutely brilliant horror film moments. My favorite part would probably have to be the scene where Rider Strong and Jordan Ladd are in bed together and he begins to "finger bang" her, only to find his hand covered in blood because he had actually been fingering a giant flesh wound. It seemed like it was going to be this really sweet, loving moment... then turned into something much different! I actually liked the movie much better this time than last. When I saw the movie the first time I was living in California. Don and I went to the Krekorian Theater in Redlands, and the theater was packed. We weren't very far into the movie before we both kind of agreed that we weren't into it, and it seemed like most of the rest of the audience agreed. We spent pretty much the entire movie loudly making fun of it. Don and I used to have that experience fairly often, where we would talk loudly in the theater and people all over the theater would respond. We are both, in a lot of ways, major attention whores and loved being able to overpower the movie we were seeing. I miss that guy a LOT lately. I miss waking up pretty much every day knowing that he'll be over at my house in a little while, if he hadn't slept there in the first place. That was the kind of friendship we always had. We would spend every single day together. I am only now getting used to friendships that aren't like that. I have had a few other friendships like that here in Florida, but none ever quite like Don. This is why he remains my best friend in the entire world.

Thinking about stuff like this now really makes me miss California. I miss the life that I lived there, in a lot of ways. If I move back, though, I want to make sure I don't just fall back into the kind of life I led there before. It was fun and I have a lot of amazing memories, but the life I lead here has elements that are going to be necessary if I do move back there. For example, in California, I pretty much never had a job. If I did find a job, I didn't keep it very long. I was very flaky about things like that and had no sense of responsibility, (which I suppose comes with being a kid, which I was all of the times I've lived there.) I don't think that would be a problem now, though. I have grown up a lot and understand the need for responsibilities in life. I also don't want to fall into a life of partying and misbehaving constantly, which I have managed to shake here in Florida. In California, I managed to get myself into all kinds of terrible, unhealthy situations and did a lot of things I am not all that proud of. I absolutely do not want to go back to any of that. Again, though, I really don't think that would be a problem now. I am at a place in my life where I really feel like I am ready to go back there and still be the person I have grown into being here in Florida. The more I think about it, the more I feel like the time may be here.

My sister and her girlfriend came by this evening and my Mom and I kind of mentioned this possibility to them. They didn't necessarily seem thrilled with the concept of my Mom and I both moving away, but weren't necessarily opposed to it, either. They did mention another possibility, though, that could make a difference in my choice if it comes down to leaving or staying. They have an extra room at their house that may become available sometime in the near future. That wouldn't be a bad option, either. It would be a lot more secure, considering I don't even know 100% whether or not I have a place to stay in California or what the job market there is like. Here I would pretty certainly have a place to stay and could stay in the job that I currently have. It just feels to me like, after the epiphany I had in the last entry, like that would be making the choice to give up on my dreams and put other things, like the security of my current job, ahead of pursuing what my life is meant for. It just really feels like last night the road laid itself out before me, and I need to not doubt that it is the right way for me to go. There are other options, and they could lead to a road that is probably just as good, but those roads are not the road that I have always known I was meant to take. As long as I can remember, I have always known the life that I was meant to lead and the universe has revealed the way to it. As much as this all may sound foolish, I really believe it would be much more foolish not to follow the signs that have been shown to me. The more I talk about this whole possibility, the more I know that it is what I need to do.

There is a song by Owl City, called "Tidal Wave," that says, "The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid, but I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave." That is exactly how I feel right now. Bravery is a concept that has always appealed to me, and has always kind of escaped me. I have been told many times in my past by various people that I am a brave person. I have been told that I live my life in a very brave way, and in some ways I can see it. Maybe I live my life in a brave way in comparison to the people who tell me that, but to me I simply live my life. I have never thought of myself as overly courageous, but looking back on my life and the amount of times I have picked up and started all over again reminds me that maybe I am kind of courageous. It is a very difficult thing to do leaving your life behind and starting something new, and I have done this many times in my life already. That is kind of what I would be doing now, if everything pans out the way I want it to. It is certainly scary, but I am much more focused on the concept of what there is to be gained from it.

My Mom read the blog entry from yesterday and she was telling me that she felt really bad about it. I didn't really understand why and told her that she shouldn't. I thought the blog made it pretty clear but she felt guilty. Oddly enough, as I was just writing about the whole concept of moving back to California and how much I feel like it is exactly what I need to do, she called me. We do that sometimes, when we are too lazy to get up and walk into the other room. She called me just to ask me about Adam Lambert's performance on the American Music Awards, (which I'll get to a little later,) and I went into her room. I asked her why she felt guilty about that blog, and she said that she felt like she was pushing me into possibly doing something that I don't really want to do. I explained to her how I really feel about the situation and I think she wound up feeling a lot better about it, too. We also discussed how this would actually be a very good thing for her, as well. She has been dating her boyfriend for nearly three years now, and that entire time they have lived an hour and a half away from each other. Their relationship has progressed a lot in the past year or so, and it seems like this would be the next logical step for her, as well. Plus, she is not getting anywhere here anymore. The main thing holding her in Sarasota up to this point has been her job, and me living with her. Now that she doesn't have that job and she sees that I am in a place in my life where I can stand on my own, she is free to go wherever she wants. I see now how this situation isn't only the best thing for me.

We also discussed how, right now, the main goal that I am focused on in the short term is getting myself a keyboard by the end of this year. After that, though, the next goal I should really focus on is learning how to drive. If everything pans out, living in California will go a lot better for me if I know how to drive. My Uncle, who is the person I am hoping to stay with if this does all work out, could probably help me with getting a car out there. He works painting sets for film and television, but also has a long history of working in mechanics and often has multiple cars around his place that he works on. We were both saying it would be a safe bet that he would be able to help me out in finding a beat up car and fixing it up for me to drive. Again, this is just further proof that this is exactly what I need to do right now. We both agreed that six months from now, when our lease is up at this apartment, would be the best time. It would give us sufficient time to prepare ourselves for such monumental life changes. It just makes me feel much better to have discussed this with my Mom and to have her on board with the whole concept.

So, now it is almost 1am and I should be getting to bed. I took some PM formula headache medicine, which I understand isn't entirely healthy, and it's beginning to take effect. Tomorrow I have to be up early to get to work. My Mom is doing overtime this week so she is going in before me, which means I have to find an alternate mode of transportation. I'll either pay for a cab, or I'll walk. I SHOULD walk, but we'll see how that plays out. I'd like to walk, honestly, because despite my revelation that I need to start doing yoga again I have not actually done it. Walking to work would be a good form of exercise, I think. Again, we'll see how that plays out. One thing that I find very interesting, though, is the fact that I did the Communication Deprivation Experiment last weekend in attempts to come to some sort of revelation about myself by way of having an interrupted train of thought & I did discover some things that have been helpful to me in my life right now, but the really major revelation that I have had this weekend came from a horoscope. This teaches me an even more profound lesson: Outside sources are not interruptions to us, but guides. The universe has to communicate with us in some way and this weekend it has spoken to me by way of a horoscope. Never again will I cut myself off from the outside world - the outside world is there for a purpose and we need it if we are ever going to get to where we are going.

Before I go to bed, there is one last thing I did want to discuss: The American Music Awards. I've gotten out of the habit of watching those, honestly, because I am not really a fan of awards shows where the winners are determined by fan votes. That is not an accurate depiction of the quality of a person's work, it is a popularity contest. This was evidenced by the fact that Lady GaGa was completely snubbed at this show. She came out there and put on a completely brilliant, awe-inspiring performance, but did not actually win anything. I don't think she was phased by that, but it just seemed to me that she was the clear winner in her categories and she didn't win any of them. As far as the actual show goes, it wasn't all that interesting. The highlights were, of course, Lady GaGa's amazing performance and the grand finale, Adam Lambert performing the first single from his album. As far as I know this was his first time performing the song, "For Your Entertainment," and it was brilliant! He started the performance singing the first verse of the song in a slow, cabaret style, then kicked it into high gear. It was a very high energy, raw, sexually charged performance, complete with crotch-grabbing, (him grabbing his own, others grabbing his and him grabbing others,) him rubbing a male dancers face into his crotch and him making out with a male band member. It was completely over the top, fun and generally mad. That, my friends, is something that I consider courageous. I'm sure for Adam, though, he was just being himself. That is why I believe when people say that I am a brave person.

Now, though, it is time for me to hit the hay. I'm interested to see what my approach to my work is tomorrow now that I have decided to focus on bigger things than getting promoted there. I think it will probably make a big difference in the way that I approach the work place, and I have definitely been needing a different approach to that. I just feel like everything is right with the world right now, the road has become clear and all that's left to do is take it! I am so excited to see what life has in store for me in the coming months, and can't wait to share it all here!