Chapter 23: Harajuku Girls

I am feeling incredibly unmotivated in writing today's blog. It is not for a lack of something to say, though. Stuff went on today, and I have plenty of thoughts on it. I sat down to begin writing this blog at 1:30am or so, but just felt so tired I couldn't string the words together to even begin. So, what did I do? I watched a movie. I downloaded the movie "Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat" this evening and decided to watch it then, when I was supposedly so exhausted I couldn't write a blog. More on the movie later, though. I don't know what it is, but there has been something in my head trying to prevent me from writing this blog. I'm not sure what it was, but I won't let it defeat me. I have committed myself to writing a new blog every single day for a year, and while I know there will be circumstances in the future that will prevent me from writing the blog, I will not skip a day for the sake of sheer laziness. After all, if I managed to write a blog from my phone when I was away from home and didn't have an available computer to write it on, I can do it tonight directly from home.

So, today was an interesting day. Whitney and I had made plans to go to the Brandon Town Center Mall, but I didn't hear from her around the time that we had planned. After about an hour had passed, I text messaged her and she responded implying she was kind of iffy about those plans. I told her it was fine if we didn't go to Brandon, but we should still hang out because it is my four day weekend, and I wanted to do something fun with the day. I offered the option of going to the movies, which she shot down. I also offered the option of just going to the Sarasota Square Mall, which she also shot down. Eventually, she said "fuck it, let's just go to Brandon." So, we did. Whitney seemed to be in a strange mood today, though. She would be talkative for a while, then would shut down. It was uncharacteristic of her. Any time I tried to ask if anything was wrong or something, she said it was fine. We still had fun, but it was just odd. After rent and bills, my keyboard fund, cigarettes and the money I spent yesterday, I didn't have a whole lot of money left and still have the next two weeks to get through, so I told myself beforehand that I would only spend about $30 on this trip. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I am expert at shopping on a budget. I am very good at walking into a store and getting the maximum amount of stuff on the minimum amount of money. That works well for me in a one-stop shop, like Burlington Coat Factory. In a mall, however, that doesn't work as well.

I have a problem. My name is Jason, and I am a shopaholic. I can walk into any store and find something that I absolutely have to have. I have gotten better about it recently, but it is not entirely under control. For example, at Bath & Body Works, a store where I normally wouldn't shop at all, I found this gorgeous smelling body mist that I really wanted. It was 50% off, too. I managed not to buy that by telling myself, "We'll come back to this store." I also found things that I really wanted in Sephora, FYE and the Apple store, all of which I kept from purchasing by using that same tactic, (except the Apple store, which I kept from purchasing from by not being able to afford ANYTHING there.) I don't know what it is exactly, but I have this urge in me to buy anything that catches my eye. I have, as Gwen Stefani says in the song "Harajuku Girls," a "fatal attraction to cuteness." These words could not be more true for me. Speaking of Gwen Stefani, one of the things that I kept seeing around the mall, (and have seen all over since this time last year,) are the Harajuku Lovers fragrances. I really want those. They come in 5 different scents, one to represent each of her Harajuku girls and herself. Love, Angel, Music, Baby and G. They all come in an adorable bottle that has a lid that is whichever girl that scent represents. It is absolutely adorable and I really want the whole set. Alas, I couldn't afford it.

The things that I did buy came from two of my favorite stores in that mall, Marc Ecko and Metro Park. Metro Park is a store that I LOVE to go into, but even under normal circumstances can't afford anything in. They carry things like Christian Audigier's non-douchy, non-Ed Hardy line, True Religion, Seven Jeans, etc. Higher end stuff than I can generally afford. However, I stopped in today because I noticed the sign outside that read "Take an addition 40% off all clearance items." I figured I could possibly find something I will love and with 40% off an already marked down price, I may be able to afford it. I was right, too, and left the store with a gorgeous new wallet and necklace for $12 and some change. At the Marc Ecko store, I came out with an adorable logo polo and a gray and pink argyle sweatervest that I am completely in love with for $22 and some change. I also spent about $9 in a candy store. This doesn't sound like a lot, I know, but it was more than I should have spent and I just kept wanting to spend more. It took a lot of self control to not spend more than that. I kept finding myself thinking, "Well, I could dip into the keyboard fund." I am not willing to do that, though. Depending on how the next two weeks go I may have to. That just means I'll have to put more into it next paycheck. It'd be better, though, if I can just avoid taking from that at all. I'm gonna try my best. Thing is, though, had I not spent what I did today and yesterday, that wouldn't be so much of a concern. The thing is, though, I have really missed shopping. I used to go buy a whole slew of new clothes every weekend that I got paid. It has kind of been bringing me down a bit getting dressed every morning in the same things that I have worn so many times before, so even though it wasn't a good idea I still feel kind of justified in buying the few things that I did, because it will feel so good to wake up Monday morning and put on something that nobody has seen me in before. Kind of similar to how good it would feel for an alcoholic to take that first drink after being sober for a while. I know, I know... but I will not allow myself any sort of backslide. Fortunately, and unfortunately, backsliding isn't really an option, anyway, because I no longer have the money to shop like I used to. That's really probably a good thing, but it doesn't feel that good sometimes. Ah, responsibility.

On the topic of fashion and how good it feels to try different things, I was talking to Whitney today about how I kind of feel like trying something different with my look, just to give it a little more of an edge. The idea I have is to add makeup. When I worked at the place that shall not be named for security purposes before, back in 2004, I used to wear makeup every day. It was different then, though. I essentially went to work at that time in full drag. Not entirely. I didn't wear women's clothing or anything, but I wore a lot of accessories and full makeup every day. Lip gloss, eyeliner, eye shadow, nail polish and the whole nine. That is, actually, in large part what caused me to leave there before. I have no intention of going back to that, despite the fact that I did enjoy my look at that time. What I want to do, though, is take the style that I have now and simply add a little "guyliner" and nail polish to it. Just a little something to add a bit of edge to it and kind of reflect some of the changes I have gone through internally. Nothing severe, just a little something different than I have been doing. I found this amazing liquid liner at Sephora that I tried on my hand and is still there. The brush on it wasn't overly pointy and thick enough to stay in line, unlike most liquid liners. Next time we head up to Brandon I may have to pick some up. I also spotted some really cool nail polishes and Whitney told me to pick out a couple shades that I like, as she has been looking for ideas for Christmas gifts. So, that is something I plan to give a try. It will have to wait until I get paid again, though, because I absolutely can not do any more frivolous spending until I get paid again.

When I came home, I felt completely worn out. Not working in retail anymore, I have become unused to being on my feet for hours at a time. We were at the mall for nearly five hours and on our feet that entire time. By the time we left, my feet were killing me. My legs are still feeling pretty stiff, actually. This is more evidence that I need to work out more, be it yoga or actually going to the gym. Something I have been thinking about doing for a while now, actually, is walking to work every day. My Mom is currently putting in overtime, and likely will be for the rest of the year, so I have been having the problem of having to figure out a way to work, (most often, in cabs.) As far as cutting costs and geting a little additional exercise I think walking to work would be very effective. So, my plan is to start that on Monday.

I sat down to the computer and was just dicking around when I got an IM to my phone from my dear friend, Alyssa. Alyssa is one of my best friends, but due to my work schedule, social schedule and time zone differences, we hadn't had much chance to talk over the past few months. I signed on to AIM and chatted with her for a good little while, and it was really nice to catch up with her. She is one of those friends that I don't want to lose over time, so it is good to be reminded of all the reasons that I feel that way, and talking to her pretty much always does remind me of that. I also discussed the whole concept of coming back to California with her, and she was into it. She lives in California, too, but in northern California. Still, it'd be a lot closer than Florida is, making visits a little more possible than they are now, which is basically not at all. This is, to me, yet another confirmation that this is the right thing for me right now. It is all a matter of waiting and watching everything fall into place where it is meant to. This is going to happen. I have got to stop thinking, "if this happens," and thinking, "when this happens," because it is what I truly want and I am going to make it happen one way or another. The time for waiting is over, and now it is time to act.

After chatting with Alyssa, and leaving because I needed to write this blog and go to bed, I wound up watching that movie, as mentioned above. It was "Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat," the third film in the "Eating Out" series. These are gay romantic comedies, and they are all pretty brilliant. The first one was a little awkward, mainly because I don't think anybody really knew what they were doing with it at the time. The second one was considerably better but this third one, I think, was the best. They managed to weed out the elements of the first two that didn't work so well, and highlighted the elements that did work and made them the main feature. Namely, the slutty, bitchy BFF character played by Rebekah Kochan, who is hilarious. She was one of the main characters in this film, where she was simply comic relief in the first two, and spent the entire movie snapping off hilarious one-liners. Considering she was one of the only returning cast members in this film, they did an amazing job with it. Most sequels where they don't include any of the original cast come across not very good at all, but this one was even better than the first two. All of the "Eating Out" movies center around a gay guy who doesn't feel like he is good enough for the super hot guy to date and making up some sort of silly lie that somehow escalates into big drama, and always involves a hot straight friend who is a little more willing to get involved than any real life straight guy would be. This followed that same formula, but some of the elements that caused plot holes in the first two were corrected in this one. Overall, I really enjoyed this movie a lot and found myself laughing out loud numerous times. Also, the boys in this one were considerably hotter than any of the boys in the previous two.

I've noticed lately that I have been checking out guys a lot more lately than I usually do. Don't get me wrong, I check out guys constantly wherever I am but it seems excessive lately, even for me. I am in one of those periods where, in spite of myself and my sense that I am above this sort of thing, I feel lonely. Not really lonely, per se, because there are plenty of wonderful people in my life, but where I feel the need for some sort of companionship. In the mall today I found myself checking out every guy I came across, and we are talking about a mall on the weekend after Black Friday. There were a LOT of guys around; a lot of hot guys. I really don't feel like I want to actually date anybody right now, especially considering it would have a time restriction on it. Plus, if I were to get involved with somebody that I really liked it is possible that they would distract me from my goal of getting back to California. This is why I have chosen not to date for the past year and a half or so. Boys are BIG distractions to me, and can easily deter me from doing what I need and want for myself. I will not allow that to happen to me right now. It would be nice, though, to have a no strings attached, friend with benefits. Even that, for me, is risky. I get emotionally involved easily and, again, am not willing to risk anything deterring me from doing what has revealed itself to me as the path I need to follow.

Now it is 4:43am, and if I was exhausted at 1:30am I don't even know the word to explain what I am now. I need to get to bed and won't get much sleep tonight. I need to be up at a decent hour tomorrow in preparation for getting back to work, and walking there, on Monday morning... in an adorable new outfit!