Chapter 15: I'm Sensitive

In one of my favorite songs of hers, "I'm Sensitive," Jewel sings, "Anyone can start a conflict, it's harder yet to disregard it." That is a concept that has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. It seems like in my day-to-day life, particularly in the workplace, (which shall not be named for security purposes,) there has been a recurring theme lately, and that theme is conflict. While I have managed to avoid being directly involved in most of these conflicts, and have worked to resolve the ones I have been involved in, it is still something that affects me. When there is conflict in your surroundings it has a direct effect on everyone around. As Jewel follows the line mentioned above, though, "I'd rather see the world from another angle." Of course, seeing the world from another angle can be difficult at times.

For example, there is a girl that I work with who is in a supervisory position, (a lower level one, but still supervisory,) who has been completely vilified by my entire team. When I first started working there she and I were kind of friends, and got a little closer after she was promoted, (although we have never been BFFs or anything like that,) but the more she was vilified by the rest of the team the more I found myself looking at the things they were saying about her and beginning to agree. When they all first started it I would be quick to defend, but the bigger their conflict became the more I began to take part in it. This is a prime example of how negativity can spread. I have since realized that I never had any ACTUAL issues with her, (at least none that are unforgivable,) and have really kind of taken note of the way people treat her. After observing all of this, I really became disgusted with myself. People treat this girl extremely unfairly, and while some of their individual conflicts may be justified, most of what happens there is completely unfair, and I feel terrible that I ever took part. It's moments like this that I begin to understand the danger of mob mentality. If it is that bad on this small of a level, imagine what it must be on the grand scale.

Outside of work, I have a couple of friends who have an ongoing conflict that I don't entirely understand. I am not going to go into details, but essentially it is a lot of girl stuff. Girl stuff involving a boy. I think that is always the worst kind of girl-on-girl conflict... especially when, as is often the case, the boy doesn't even know this is happening. Maybe it is just me, but it always seems like a friendship is worth so much more than a romantic relationship. In my age group, there's a 99.9% chance that your relationship will last long-term, but friendship is something that, at least, has a chance. Plus, it just seems to me that your friends are the ones who are going to be there for you when this relationship doesn't work out or when there are any problems in it... unless you get on their bad side. This conflict, especially the fact that I only hear one side of it, has also managed to influence my feelings towards the people involved and worsen my own conflicts with them. Again, another example of how other peoples negativity can spread to those surrounding them. It is a very bad thing, and I refuse to allow myself to get caught up in it any longer. My feelings are my own, and need to be completely of my own creation. Outside influences should not have an effect on the way that I feel, and I vow to stop letting them. This is what I call "seeing the world from another angle."

Aside from all of that, it was another uneventful day. Work was boring again, which I think may be the underlying reason for a lot of these conflicts. People don't have anything else to do, so they get angry with the people around them. I try to avoid this type of issue by way of sudoku and writing songs, as well as studying the manuals at work. It's still really frustrating to me, though, that it still seems as if the only notice I get is the moments that I STOP reading the manuals. This is an issue that I have had in my past few jobs, actually. I know that I have a big personality on a personal level. I am over the top, always joking and trying to have a good time, and generally make a lot of "noise." People get to know that side of me very quickly, but when it comes to work and focusing on the task at hand, I become much more quiet. It seems like the people in charge take much less notice of that. At my last two jobs, in fact, when I was up for promotions, I simply focused on getting the job done well and not making too much "noise," in order to impress the people making decisions. What happened in both of those cases? I lost the job to somebody who was really loud and intimidating and who they knew would make a big fuss if they didn't get the job. In both cases there were some very shady dealings on these people's parts, as well. In one case, somebody who failed to inform the other candidates for the job of their scheduled interview times, (which is the bosses' faults for asking one of the interviewees to relay that information, knowing full well exactly what happened was a possibility,) and in another the race card was played. Those details don't make a lot of difference, though. What is important about both of these situations is that while I was busy doing my best to focus and impress the bosses, and not make too much of a fuss over anything, nobody bothered to notice because they were too distracted by other people making too much of a fuss over things and creating a mess for them. What has never made sense to me is the fact that what both of these jobs did was REWARD bad behavior. I just can't understand why they would have done that. It makes no sense to me. I sometimes wish I were the type of person who could do what those people did, but I simply can't. I can't imagine feeling good about getting a promotion by behaving in a way that I don't believe should be rewarded. I just really want this position, and am really hoping not to bump into any similar issues. This is my third job where I am angling for a position in management, and I am really hoping the third time will be the charm. I am pretty confident that I will get it, but one can never be too sure until the papers have been signed or whatever.

When I got home from work, I didn't really do much. After my Mom got off we decided to go to Sonic, (America's Drive-In,) to get chili dogs and tater tots for dinner because neither one of us felt like cooking. Speaking of cooking, we found out officially that my Mom will not be working that day, which is a big relief. Our first Thanksgiving dinner at our house is back on! I couldn't be more excited for next week, honestly. This week has been hell, but now it is the weekend, and even if next week is just as boring I at least have the knowledge that it is only 3 days, then I am off for a four day weekend, which I am determined to make a good time out of. I already have plans for a trip to the Brandon Town Center Mall next Saturday with my friend, Whitney, which should be fun. I am concerned about money for that trip, but I'm pretty sure it'll be okay. I know that my sister has some Black Friday shopping planned, as well, which I may tag along for. With Thursday being Thanksgiving, that only leaves Sunday completely unplanned. I'll probably use Sunday to lay around. That sounds like a brilliant plan, actually! It is, after all, the day of rest.

Tomorrow? My Mom and I are planning on going out to breakfast and I am hoping to go downtown to check out the new artwork from the Ringling School of Art. Sarasota has this annual tradition of showcasing various sculptures from students at the Ringling School of Art along one of the main roads here in town. There tends to be some really amazing stuff down there every year, (along with some ridiculous, awful, gaudy stuff,) and I always enjoy going down to check it out. It's like a free art show! Beyond that, though, I haven't made any solid plans. I'd kind of like to go see a movie or something like that. A guy at work recommended the movie "Coco Before Chanel," which is currently playing at our local independent theater, Burns Court. This sounds pretty interesting, actually. It is a biopic of Coco Chanel, focusing on her life before she became, you know, international fashion legend Coco Chanel. Considering my fascination with strong women overcoming adversity and with fashion, this seems like something that would be right up my alley. I like to go arthouse every now and then, (or pretty damn often,) but I also like to occasionally go extra cheap. This weekend at the local dollar theater they are playing "Inglorious Basterds," which I have yet to see, but which looks amazing. Plus, there are two major factors that make me really want to see this film - Quentin Tarantino directed it, and he is one of my absolute favorite filmmakers of all time, and one of it's stars is the GENIUS, and incredibly sexy jew, Eli Roth. As far as I am concerned, you can have Brad Pitt, I would take Eli Roth any day of the week. Aside from all that, though, the more I hear about the film, the more it sounds completely amazing. I think maybe I'll try to go see that tomorrow or Sunday.

For now, though, I am completely exhausted. It was a long week, and I could not be more grateful that it is over. I am off to bed, listening to Jewel and being reminded to "see the world from another angle."

"we are everyday angels... so, be careful with me cos' I'd like to stay that way."