Chapter 19: Big Distraction

Today was a bit of a boring day, really. I woke up at 7:45am, dicked around on the internet for a while then got ready for work. I had to take a cab to work because my Mom is doing overtime and going in before me. My cab driver was overly chatty, but I had to tip him because he didn't have change. It wasn't much of a tip, but given the option I probably wouldn't have tipped at all because he was very annoying. One thing that was annoying about this cab driver, in particular, was the fact that he arrived 15 minutes early and sat outside honking.

When I arrived at work I had to wait around for about 20 minutes before it was time for my shift to start. I stood in front of the building smoking, which is my normal routine when I take a cab. There is this guy who works on another account there at the place that shall not be named for security purposes that I have a bit of a thing for. I'm not sure what it is exactly about him, but there is just something that I like. He isn't exceptionally good looking. He is a little chubby, (I should talk.) He has bad skin and his hair looks kinda greasy all the time. I'm pretty sure he's a big burnout. For some reason, though, I find him really attractive. I have no idea what his name is or how old he is. I really don't know much of anything about him. Anyway, I find myself watching him any time we are on break at the same time or in the same general area. I have been told in the past that I have a bit of a staring problem, which I have never really noticed myself doing. I wouldn't find it surprising if it is true, though. Since having this pointed out to me in the past I get a little paranoid that I'm doing it sometimes. Yesterday the greasy stoner in question wound up in the bathroom at the same time as me. Normally I make it a point to use the handicap stall which has it's own separate sink and mirror, so I can get everything I need to done in the stall, then just walk out of the bathroom. Yesterday, though, the handicap stall was being used. So, I went to the shared sink area and was washing my hands and such when greasy stoner walks up and starts using the sink next to me. I don't say much of anything and am really trying not to pay too much attention to him because, really, the bathroom is the last place you want that type of attention. I finished washing my hands before him and was pulling paper towels from the dispenser when he reached over and grabbed one at the same time. Our hands touched and he was like, "Sorry, didn't mean to get in your way." I said, "That's okay," in my super-gay tone and he smiled and kinda softly laughed. It was cute and I was kind of watching him at that point. He looked up and made eye contact and I panicked, so I quickly finished up and left the bathroom without saying anything else. The reason I bring this up is because this morning while I was standing outside smoking he pulled up with a girl in his car, (which initially had me thinking, "Oh God, he's straight!" until I recognized the girl and happen to know she is dating somebody else,) and I was just watching as he passed and suddenly noticed him kind of motioning in my direction. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but essentially I got the impression that he was saying something about me to the girl in the car. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I am going to do my best not to read too much into that.

This is what I consider one of the major disadvantages, for me, of being gay. You have to use the same public bathroom as the people you are dating or trying to date or obsessively stalking, (although, in that last case, it may work to your advantage.) I remember once when I was dating my last boyfriend, the only one I have ever actually done the whole "courtship" deal with, we hadn't been together long and we went to see a movie together. After the movie, we both had to pee and it was one of the most awkward experiences ever. I just feel that when I am romantically involved with someone I don't want them to have any thoughts of me in the bathroom. I also don't want to have any thoughts of them in the bathroom. I mean, I have had sex in a few public bathrooms but that was always what we went in there specifically to do, and if they had to pee afterward or anything, I would leave the bathroom and let them handle that. It just isn't the type of thing I want to think about with a person I'm seeing, and definitely not something I want them to think of about me. It's just gross. So, to answer your question: That's a NO on "golden showers" and the like.

I had a bit of a mini freak out at work today. We found out today that we were going to be open this Saturday, which was initially planned to be closed. My friend/co-worker/cubicle neighbor is one of the people who normally works on Saturdays and was asked to work this Saturday. She was upset about it, understandably, and was trying to find a way to get out of it. I told my other cubicle neighbor that I would have offered to work it for her, but it is my four day weekend and I had already made plans for Saturday. She eventually offered to work Saturday for my other co-worker, but we had kind of joked that, "Oh, watch, they're gonna ask me to work anyway!" Then, all of two minutes later my sister and her girlfriend did ask me to work Saturday. I said that I really didn't want to, but I would if it was absolutely necessary and they pretty much took that as a yes. I slipped into reactive mode for a while, being all grumpy and irritated about having to work in the middle of what would have been my four day weekend. I didn't want to cancel my plans, (a trip to Brandon with Whitney, plus my brother is coming to town that day,) and I got pretty pissy about it for a little while. Fortunately, it turned out that they didn't actually need me there, so I was let off the hook. Thank God, too, because I have been looking forward to this four day weekend ever since it was approved. I feel bad, in retrospect, for getting so upset about it, though. I just have to work harder on controlling those reactive impulses.

On Sunday I had talked to one of my best friends, Rachel, who had started a job where she works evenings a while back. I work days, so our schedules majorly conflict. For this reason, it had been quite a while since we had gotten together. So, when I talked to her on Sunday, I invited her over tonight to hang out. It also happened that my Mom's boyfriend was coming into town tonight to spend the holiday with her, as well. So, I cooked up some delicious pork chops and my Mom's boyfriend brought some fried rice, and it made a lovely half-homemade meal! We all sat down and watched the pilot episode of "V," which is one of my new favorite shows, and the finale of Dancing With The Stars, which I really don't have much interest in. It was fun, though. It was a nice, relaxed evening. It was nice to see Rachel again, too, and hopefully it won't be as long before I see her again. I also told her about my possible plan to move back to California, and she was the first person not to have that, "Awww, don't leave!" reaction. That was nice, as well. One person I have yet to tell, who I keep thinking I need to tell, is my best friend, Don. I think I am hesitant to tell him because I don't want to start getting his hopes up, and even more, don't want to start getting my hopes any higher than they already are. I know that telling Don about this would get me even more excited about it because we would start talking about how we need to live in the same state again and all the great things that would come of it. I just feel like I need to calm myself down about it now before it becomes this huge thing that becomes too big to fulfill. I do that every now and then, even though I know that nothing is too big to fulfill. I think I just get myself so hyped on an idea that eventually I burn myself out on it and lose interest. This is not something that I want to see that fate. I really want this to happen and if that means calming myself down about it then that is exactly what I will do.

It's interesting, though, because last time I visited California for a week I found myself really wanting to come back and kind of thinking of this as my home. Right now, it couldn't feel less like my home. California is my home. It is where I was born and I really feel like it is where I belong. It is where I will find the opportunities I seek and where I will be able to accomplish my dreams. I just have to make sure that I can make this happen. Right now, though, I simply need to focus on my immediate goals and let everything fall into place as it is meant to between now and when the lease is up on this apartment. Like I said, I really need to calm myself down on this whole thing and focus on what is directly in front of me, because that is what will lead me to where I need to be further down the road. If you are too focused on what's a mile down the road, you'll miss out on what is directly in front of you. Plus, there's a lot more chance that you'll stumble. This is like what I was saying in another blog about yoga and it's focus on being "in the present moment." That is what I need to remember; always stay in the present moment. I have to admit, though, this whole concept is a big distraction to the present moment. The future will come to me... but like Alanis Morissette says, "The only way out is through." I need to experience exactly what I am experiencing here in the present moment in order to get to, and really be prepared for, the future. I know this intrinsically, but I still find it difficult. Kabbalah does teach, though, that you can connect to the light by not doing what comes easiest or most naturally, but by facing the challenging things and accomplishing them. So, that is what I am going to do - make the difficult decision to stay focused on the present moment and let the future come when it is time for it.

I am thinking, though, that perhaps I have been silly in thinking that I can put of beginning stages of learning to drive until the end of the year and still be able to get a license by the time the lease is up here. I think what I really need to do is start studying up and get the written test over before the end of the year so I can fully focus on the actual driving part once the new year begins. I don't know why exactly I felt that saving money to buy a keyboard had to be the only goal I worked on until the end of the year. That was, again, just silly. So, I am going to dig up my Florida Drivers Handbook and begin studying the crap out of it immediately. Perhaps I will spend some of my four day weekend on that, (although we'll see how well that works out.) Plans for the four day weekend? The only solid one is going shopping with Whitney in Brandon on Saturday, which will be fun despite the fact that I can't really SHOP like I used to. That is the one thing I really miss about my Mom having her old job. Since she made so much more, she paid more of the rent and bills and I had a great deal more money to shop with - and boy, did I ever shop! Instead I am doing something much better, but not nearly as much fun: being responsible.

Tomorrow? It's my Friday! After that, no work for four whole days! I cannot wait!