Chapter 18: Revelry

California. California has taken over my life. Ever since the idea came to me on Saturday it seems to be all I can think or talk about. For something that is currently only a possibility, I am already hanging a lot of hope on it and that is never a good thing. I have had experiences like this in the past where something comes to me and it seems so clear that this is what I should be doing, but then it doesn't pan out. I don't think this is one of those times, though. At least, I am really hoping and praying that this is not one of those times. I just can't imagine why the universe would show this to me so clearly if it isn't meant to be. It would be just another of those situation life hands us that seems completely random and will always be a mystery to us. The problem is, I do not believe in the word "random." There is no such thing as "random," as far as I am concerned. Everything happens for a reason. There is something to be taken from every single thing that happens in our lives, no matter how "random" it may seem. This situation, if I don't give up on it or allow myself to be dissuaded from it, will be a perfect example of that. If I do give up on it or get dissuaded from it, then it will simply serve to prove that this ideal I have about life to be wrong. I don't like being wrong. It doesn't happen often, and I don't intend to let it happen now.

I talked to my sister and her girlfriend a little more about it this evening and they both seem very skeptical about it all. My Mom says it is because my sister cares about me a lot more than she lets on, which I know is true, and doesn't want me to leave. I'm sure she is right about that, but I can't let that dissuade me from doing what I really believe I need to do right now. I've only discussed the topic with a few people, aside from my Mom, and they all have that, "Awww, no!" reaction. I just feel like I need this right now. I think this is the best possible situation for me right now. Despite her skepticism, my sister did offer a few different helpful hints. First of all, as I mentioned yesterday, my immediate goal is to buy a keyboard. The goal to focus on after that is learning to drive. I figured I could study up and do the written test here, get a permit and learn to drive here then get my license once I get there. I figured that would make the most sense because what would be the point of going through the whole process here and then going out there and having to repeat it. Well, my sister told me that I wouldn't have to repeat the whole process once I got there. Apparently, you can transfer your license to another state. I know that may seem like a common-knowledge sorta thing, but I had absolutely no idea. So, maybe I will actually focus on trying to learn to drive and getting a license here before I leave. That would make more sense. The only concern is whether or not I would actually have the time to learn to drive in the time before then. I suppose we'll have to wait and see, but I think the only thing that can hold me back is myself and I refuse to let that happen. She also told me that it'd probably be the best idea to start looking for jobs out there early, so that if I can't find something before getting there, I can at least have an idea of where to look. Luckily, I have pretty extensive experience in both telephone and retail customer service. There is a company that I worked two years for here in Sarasota that I was just looking up on the internet because I happened to remember that they had a couple locations in the Los Angeles area. That could be something to look into once I get there, as well as checking out Borders and other bookstores. My mind is just pregnant with possibilities right now!

Of course, my sister also felt it was necessary to remind me that after a certain age, there is only so long that you can stay with family or friends before you're basically just a bum. This is true, and I am well aware of it. That is not something that I want to do. I want to get out there, get on my feet and get to a point where I am self-sufficient. Maybe find roommates and be BFFs like the girls from The Hills! That was a joke. I have no delusions of my life ever resembling The Hills. My life is meant for something much bigger and more interesting than that. I just see it all so clearly right now that it is driving me insane waiting for things to happen! I don't even know for sure what is happening, if anything, but I just can't stop myself from thinking about all of the possibilities! I just feel it so strongly down to my very core, so much so that I am completely obsessing over it. I need to calm myself.

As far as today goes, work was actually kind of busy in comparison to how it has been. It felt like kind of a long day, but it was pretty stress free and I felt much more relaxed about it than I have in a long time. It is probably because I spent the whole day thinking about all of this stuff, as opposed to focusing solely on the job. As much as focusing on the job is a good thing to do while on the job, it seems to me like you can focus too hard on it and I think that is what I have been doing. It also seems to me that when you are focusing too hard on the job, you wind up over-stressing yourself and losing focus on the individual tasks of the job, and essentially wind up fucking shit up. It's all about finding a balance, I suppose. That can really be said for anything in life, though. Balance has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am working on it.

So, on to more topical things, apparently Adam Lambert is taking a lot of flack for his performance last night at the American Music Awards. It is ridiculous! The main complaints that I have been reading are from the gay community. I've been on a couple different gay-themed forums and such, where people are saying that he is perpetuating the stereotype that gay people are hyper-sexual and can't control themselves. There are also many that said that because the performance was so sexed up and his vocals were not his best, he is essentially killing his career by making a caricature of himself. I can't help but imagine these people those self-loathing gays who spend their entire lives trying to prove that they are just like straight people. Those people make me very sad. I don't want people to think that I am like straight people. I am something very different than a straight person. I don't want them to look at me and think, "Wow, he's like us." I want them to look at me and think, "Wow, he's different from us and that's awesome!" The gay rights movement isn't about us proving how we are all the same - we are not all the same. Not a single one of us. I believe the movement is about being accepted for our differences. I refuse to change who I am to blend in - I am a person who is meant to stand out, and I embrace that with every fiber of my being. This may not be the case for every gay person, and that is the beautiful thing about it all. There are plenty of straight people who are meant to stand out, just like there are many gay people who are meant to blend in. We are all individuals, and we should all be accepted and loved for exactly what we are. So, these gay people impressing their lifestyles and ideals onto Adam Lambert is horrible, especially coming from a community which has spent ages having people try to do the same thing to them. I have always taken issue with the hypocrisy within the gay community. Straight acting guys think the overly flamboyant ones are an embarrassment, and the flamboyant guys think drag queens or transgendered people are a little "too much," and white gays won't date black ones unless they're light skinned and don't have overly "black" features, etc., etc., etc. For a community that has faced so much discrimination throughout history, it just seems so intrinsically wrong for us to discriminate against ANYONE, let alone each other. I find it so frustrating! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that now that we FINALLY have a proper, current, big deal openly gay icon we are the first ones to start tearing him down. It just pisses me off. It is insane how I actually find the right-wing, conservative complaints about his performance more valid than the gay ones. Elisabeth Hasselbeck had a little freak out on The View this morning about the performance and how it "crossed a line." While I can see her point, I disagree based on the fact that the performance wasn't near as inappropriate as it was made out to be, and the fact that it was pushed to the very end of the broadcast, not airing until just before 11pm. Children with parents who would be concerned about them seeing this SHOULD have been in bed by the time it aired, anyway. It is not Adam's job, or the network's job, to make sure people's children don't see something their parents might be concerned over at an hour so late. The network made sure to hold it back until the very end of the evening for that very reason, even though it isn't technically their job. As far as Adam goes, his job is to create interesting, provocative, thought-provoking art and he did a brilliant job. The complaints about the performance I understand the most, really, are the ones about his vocals. They were not his best, although I didn't think they were as terrible as they have been made out to be. They simply were not as great as Adam has proven himself capable of. Then there is the fact that "For Your Entertainment" isn't exactly a song that is all about showcasing vocals. That is a performance song, and I think he put on one hell of a performance with it. It may not have been GaGa's stunning "Bad Romance/Speechless" medley, but it was definitely one of the better performances of the show. So, I guess, whatever to the Adam haters.

Speaking of GaGa, she also appeared on the Jay Leno show, (whatever it is called nowadays,) and was absolutely stunning! I can't imagine that she would even be capable of putting on a performance that is anything less than stunning. She is a complete anomaly. I have no idea how she does it, but seeing her perform the same song on a bunch of different shows never seems to get old because no two performances are ever the same. She manages to make every performance of the same song something completely new and fresh and fascinating. "Poker Face" would be a great example of that, because I have seen her do that song so many times and it never gets old. I simply don't have enough good words to say about her. She is just one of the most amazing artists I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing, and I am so glad to be in on it from the ground level because there is not a doubt in my mind that she will be around for the next 25 years, just like Madonna.

Anyway, it is after midnight, and I need to go to bed. This is possibly the most unorganized, all over the place blog I have written yet and I figure I should quite while I'm ahead. It was a long day and I am very tired right now. Here's hoping tomorrow I manage to right something a bit more copacetic. We shall see. Until then, I am off to sleep and, in the words of Kings Of Leon, "dream of revelry."