Chapter 3: Perfectly Clear

Okay, let's get right into it...

I woke up at 11:30am today. I didn't end up going to bed last night until well after 6:30am, meaning I got something along the lines of 5 hours of sleep. That is not too bad really. The thing that kinda sucked was that my Mom woke me at 11:30am saying I needed to get my ass up and be ready to leave by noon. We had to go pick up my sister and her girlfriend and head off to the Tampa area to meet her parents.

I have this thing where I like to wake up at least 2 hours before I am required to be anywhere. The main reason for this is that I am not one of those people who can just get up and go. I need time to sit around for at least an hour and mentally prepare for the day. I usually do this by wasting time on Twitter or Oh No They Didn't and smoking. I know it may not sound like much, but this is a crucial part of my day. Anytime this element is removed from the day, it doesn't go so well.

As I mentioned yesterday, I was nervous about going to see the grandparents in the first place and when you add to that no time for mental prep, I was in a funky mood. I stayed in bed until close to 11:40am, then got up and got dressed and ready quickly and managed to smoke one cigarette before leaving the house. We picked up my sister and her girlfriend and headed out to Tampa. One thing that added to my already off mood is the fact that the air conditioner in my Mom's car recently went out. For most people, the issue with this would be that it was hot in the car... Not for me, though. My issue, which really soured my mood, was with the fact that this meant we had to roll the windows down to stay cool. It is noisy on the interstate and people were talking and such, so this meant that I could not hear the music playing at all. In general, there is nothing that will upset me more than riding in a car without music, (preferably music of my choosing.) Suffice it to say, this day was not going well at this point.

Also, I woke up feeling like hell. My stomach was a wreck as soon as I woke up. I don't know if it was the 2 Mimosas and 1 screwdriver I drank last night or if there was something wrong with the lovely meal I had prepared, (I am more inclined to believe it was the liquor because my lovely meal was, well, lovely!) Whatever the cause, the effect was me feeling awful this morning.

We arrived in Tampa at a Flying J Truck Stop. I think I may have forgotten to mention this, but my grandparents are truck drivers. Well, my Grandma retired years ago, but she still rides along with my Grandpa from time to time. It was interesting, because they live in Arkansas and I grew up in California so the bulk of my memories of them from my childhood are of scenarios exactly like this - meeting up with them at a truck stop when they happen to be passing through our area. It was kind of a trip repeating that now in my adult life.

I wasn't necessarily nervous about seeing my Grandma, but I was nervous about seeing my Grandpa. When I was a teenager, (13-15 or so,) I spent a little time in Arkansas with them and my Grandpa and I did not get along at all. He always said that I was too "city." I loved music and art and technology and very modern things, and he was used to kids who grew in Arkansas who loved rebuilding cars when they were 14 or tending to chicken farms and such. This led to some very heated moments, as well as some very hilarious moments, (hilarious in retrospect, of course,) involving me working on a chicken farm for one day, and working briefly at an auto salvage yard. Neither of these things panned out very well, and I always questioned why I should do them in the first place when I had always learned in California about things like child labor laws and legal ages in which people can be eligible for work, which I was nowhere near. I do have wonderful memories of spending time with my Grandma in those days, as well, though, discussing what was going on in the tabloids and going to movies together. I had never realized before then that my love for the entertainment industry most likely was inherited from her.

Today was my first time seeing them since 2003. Despite the fact that I was feeling very unwell the entire time, it was very nice. The interesting thing, for me, was how different interaction with them is now. I have this mental block that keeps me from ever really feeling like an adult. My mind is stuck at 18 or 19 years old, in many ways. Dealing with my Grandparents today, though, was one of those moments where I couldn't help but notice, "Hey, I'm a grown up." Despite a few pulled-to-the-side talks with my Grandpa about how I should consider a career in truck driving, as well, (which is hilarious, considering I don't even know how to drive a car yet!) it was all very adult interactions. It's a strange, fascinating, just really good feeling being viewed as an adult by someone I have been extremely intimidated by since my childhood. It was honestly a very healing and self-affirming experience, and I am grateful for it.

Of course, he did still use the N word. I mean, what can I say? Some people are just ignorant. More than that, some people you're just never truly going to see eye to eye with. For the record, I do feel that there is never an excuse for using that word, no matter what generation you come from you have to adjust to the times and recognize that we are all created equal. I cannot make any sort of excuse for that. Do I think he is a racist? Maybe a little bit. Do I think that is okay? Absolutely not. Do I love him in spite of that? Yes.

The ride home was much better than the ride there. It was already dark out and the weather had cooled off, so we did not need all the windows down and I was able to hear the music in the car. I felt much better about the world then. I also had a Berry Vanilla Cappuccino from a machine in a Circle K or 7-11 or whatever that was delicious. It was kind of shocking how good it was, honestly. Plus, the cashier in this place looked like a model or something. He was gorgeous and I couldn't help but feel like his talents were being wasted in a job at Circle K or 7-11 or whatever.

Now I am sitting here listening to Jewel, preparing for bed. Jewel is one of those artists for me where I can always find the solution to any problem I have or the inspiration to act in any situation by putting her music on a shuffle. It is also of note to mention that I saw her in concert for the very first time last week. I have this list of artists who I consider amongst my biggest musical influences who I have been listening to since I was 12 or 13, (back when I started writing songs of my own,) who I have to see live before I die. It is a who's who of the biggest artists of the mid-90s, Lillith Fair era really. Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Sheryl Crow, Fiona Apple, Sarah McLachlan and Liz Phair, (who I have now seen twice and met.) Jewel can now be crossed off that list, as well. It was honestly one of the best concerts I have ever seen. Just Jewel and a guitar for 2 hours, telling stories and singing songs. She is absolutely amazing live. I recommend seeing her live to anyone and everyone.

When I say one of the best concerts I have ever seen, by the way, that is really saying something. I went to my first concert when I was 18 years old. It was Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake's "Justified/Stripped" tour. It was a great concert. After that, I caught the concert-going bug and have seen well over 50 concerts since then. I have honestly lost count. I have had some completely breathtaking live music experiences in that time. My personal favorites come from a variety of different types of artists, doing very different types of shows. Of course, Madonna was life-altering. It is an experience I still can't really describe seeing Madonna perform live. Adding to that whole experience was the fact that I was recently 21 years old and it was the first time in my life that I had ever "gone on vacation." I was already living in Florida by that time and I flew back out to LA to go to this show and meet up with my best friend in the whole world, Don, and some members of the Madonna Fan Club, ICON, which I was very involved in at the time. I paid for the whole thing myself and it felt like a very adult thing to have been able to pull off.

Scissor Sisters are another of the best I have ever seen. It was 2004, their first full tour of the US after the release of their debut album, (which is still amongst my favorite albums of all-time.) My Mom came with me to this concert, not necessarily knowing much of Scissor Sisters, and she came out of the night probably a bigger fan of theirs than I am. They put on such an amazing show, and I especially loved it because it was a really amazing bonding experience with my Mom on a different level than any we had previously.

I can't talk about favorite concert experiences without mentioning Dashboard Confessional. I have seen Dashboard Confessional three times, and met Chris Carrabba, (one of my idols,) at the last one. Dashboard is really a beautiful experience every time, but the one that meant the most to me was the one I attended with an ex-boyfriend of mine, the second time. Our relationship was extremely new, (this concert really kind of counted as our first official date,) and we had our first kiss at this concert. Despite the fact that the relationship went south pretty quickly, I will still always look back at that moment and cherish it. It was also the first time that I realized that perhaps my love of music does not necessarily trump the love I can feel for another, (believe me, there will definitely be more on that matter in future entries.)

Then there was Jewel. The thing that made the Jewel show so special to me was the fact that I have never felt so inspired by any other concert. At least, not in the same way. Seeing Jewel on stage I had this overwhelming feeling of, "THAT is what I am aiming for." It was like she set the bar for me and for the first time I saw a clear depiction of EXACTLY what I am trying to achieve in my life. I know that I can do it. I know that I can get there. What I don't know is how. I know that I will figure it out, though.

The thing is, it seems like so many people around me are very unclear of what exactly it is that they want to do with their lives. That is one experience of growing up that I missed out on, apparently, because from a very young age it has always been perfectly clear to me what I was put on this earth for. I have always known exactly what I am meant to be and what I am meant to do. The biggest struggle for me has always been figuring out how to achieve it. As I stated previously, though, I know that I will figure it out. The universe wouldn't have given me such clarity on what I meant for if it didn't intend for me to achieve it. It blessed me early on with what so many others can't seem to find: purpose. It is in my hands now, though, to figure out how to fulfill that purpose.

I know that I will figure it out.

Tonight, though, I am exhausted. I am ready for bed.

Tomorrow I am back on the chain gang. I learned a very valuable lesson at work last week and that is that I need to watch what I say and do in the place that can not be named for security purposes. There are more eyes on me than I anticipated, and if I hope to advance there I need to always be conscious of that. I also need to be more conscious of how the things that I say come across. I got myself in a bit of trouble last week, on a personal level, and I will not allow that to happen again. I also, beginning immediately, need to be on the top of my game. In general, I wouldn't care so much. I have never been one to give too much of a shit about how I look to people at my job, but there have been developments recently that remind me that I need to watch myself. I am trying to get promoted, after all, and perhaps issues like the one I had last week are the reasons why I have yet to be able to put management on my resume. At this point in my life, after being considered for it in my past few jobs and not getting it, I am ready to add management to my resume. I feel like this is an important move for me for a variety of reasons... mainly because a career in music is not going to pay for itself, and in this digital age where most new artists are self-releasing and self-promoting, I need to have a good paying job in order to earn the money to be able to do that myself. I also just feel like I am ready for that type of change. I am ready for that type of responsibility, for the first time in my life.

Huh, maybe I am more of an adult than I realize.