Chapter 10: Monster

4:21pm

So, after my initial reaction to the lack of communication attempts from people last night when I ended the Communication Deprivation Experiment I had to take a step back and really consider what I was saying. I announced this whole thing on both Twitter and Facebook, so I would assume pretty much anyone who would possibly have been planning on contacting me would have seen it. Duh. It is human nature, though, to automatically jump to the negative conclusion when reacting to what it is placed in front of us. That, again, is what we call reactive behavior. What I did last night was recognize that I was being reactive, as opposed to proactive, and cut it off at the source.

After ending the experiment, I wound up talking to my friend Whitney on the phone for a couple of hours. We do this fairly regularly, and the whole conversation also helped me to recognize that my initial “NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME!!!” reaction was nothing more than an ego-based reaction that was not based on my own genuine feelings, but was simply me allowing myself to be controlled by outside sources. No more of that. It is difficult to stop yourself from responding, but it is worth it to ensure that what you are feeling is coming from you and not anywhere else. Of all my friends here in Florida, Whitney is one of my closest. I don’t know what it is exactly, but we share a bond beyond just regular friendship. I mean that in the sense that she is not somebody that I just look to when I need somebody around to have a good time or need an ego boost or whatever. I just feel like she gets it… or is, at least, well on her way to getting it. I feel like there are people in this world who kind of live on a different plane of existence, or have a different level of consciousness. I think it’s more about a level of enlightenment that they have achieved or perhaps a level of being in tune with their selves. I don’t know how to explain that properly, but I believe that I am one of those people and I believe that Whitney is one of those people, as well… or, again, is well on her way to it. I see a lot of myself at that age in her, and I expect big things from her in the future. Just like I expect big things from myself in the future.

Did that sound arrogant? Maybe conceited? I don’t know… but it’s how I feel.

I wound up staying up very late last night and didn’t wake up until noon today. As I’ve mentioned before, I hate doing that. I just feel like the day is wasted right off the bat. Plus, tomorrow I have to return to my weekday schedule, which includes waking up at 7:30am, and sleeping until noon today doesn’t make that any easier. Oh well, though, I suppose. I got up and decided to spend the first portion of the day catching up on Oprah episodes from last week. I still haven’t decided if I am up to watching the episode with the woman who had her face ripped off by a monkey. I have managed to avoid seeing pictures of her or anything at this point, and I don’t know how well I will be able to stomach actually seeing it. The whole concept of having your face ripped off really freaks me out and I don’t know that I want to see what that looks like outside of a horror movie. I did watch the episode with Stephenie Meyer, though. I just find her very annoying and I really don’t buy her whole “it all came to me in a dream,” story about the Twilight Saga. Don’t get me wrong, I read the entire Twilight Saga and loved it. They are excellent books, although not very well written. Also, some of the characters that you are clearly supposed to respond to are not very likeable or relatable, in my opinion. Right off the bat, only a few chapters into the first book, I found myself really disliking the main character, Bella. That only continued as the series went on. I just find her to be an indecisive, whiny little bitch. Anyway, I loved the fact that Oprah made the entire interview with Stephenie Meyer about the most interesting thing involved there: Oprah! I just love her, and would much rather hear her talk about her personal opinions on the Twilight Saga than hear Stephenie Meyer talk about herself and her inspirations for the story.

Next, I watched the episode where Oprah interviews Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi, in their very first interview as a married couple. I have always been a big fan of both Ellen and Portia separately, and they make a beautiful couple. It is also extremely inspiring to see a strong, solid famous gay couple. They make excellent role models for the rest of the community, as well as a great example of why every gay person should have the right to marry. Aside from that, though, Ellen talked about something else that I found even more personally inspiring for me. She was discussing with Oprah how, after coming out, there was about an 8-year period where she simply could not find any work. She also discussed how much of a struggle it was to get her daytime talk show on the air because people felt that the daytime audience of housewives and such would not be able to relate to an openly gay woman. Ellen made a comment about that period that I found immensely inspiring; She said that when we are down and things are going badly for us in our lives is when we find out who we really are. I honestly believe that, and have learned that through personal experience. I honestly feel like these past two years, I have been learning who I really am… I’ve had experiences in the past with similar situations, and it does really seem to me that these types of situations are not entirely negative. They are opportunities for us to rise to the occasion and show what we are really capable of.

It reminds me of a quote from Yehuda Berg, which I have set up on my bookcase to see regularly, “Greatness is not determined by what is achieved, but rather by what is overcome.” I believe that is absolutely true. It also is reminiscent of a song, one of my favorites, by LeAnn Rimes called “Sign Of Life,” which I think has one of the greatest messages I have ever heard in pop music. “When it feels just like you’re drowning, that’s when you fight for every breath… & when it feels just like you’re dying, that’s a sign of life.” It is all so true, and I think one of the most powerful messages that we can spread throughout this world – don’t let yourself be beaten down by the situations you wind up in, empower yourself to fight to get back to a place even better than you were in before. These situations are not what drag us down in life, they are what cause us to grow and improve. It is the bad times in our lives that help us to become better people. This is something I think EVERYBODY needs to be reminded of regularly. I certainly know quite a few people who need to be reminded of this right now, and up until recently I was one of them. No more, though.

7:55pm

Okay, so in the time since I updated this post earlier not a whole lot has happened. Well, actually, a couple things of note have happened. First of all, I am not 100% sure, but I think I must have pissed off one of my good friends. It’s a long story, but it essentially comes down to me disagreeing with an opinion of his and him basically shutting down on me after that. I am just making assumptions, though, and he probably has some completely unrelated issue. If that is not the case, though, and he is upset with me disagreeing with his opinion… well, I’m not going to apologize for not having the same opinion as him, just as I don’t expect him to apologize for having the opinion in the first place. This is the beauty in having opinions: everybody gets their own! Mine doesn’t have to be the same as anyone else’s because it is mine and mine alone. I respect that other people have their own opinions and I can see the reasons for their opinions, but sometimes mine are going to differ from theirs. I respect your opinion, but I don’t have to agree with it. It’s not a big deal, but it is something that is on my mind right now.

Aside from that, though, something beautiful and magical and just completely wonderful happened since then, as well. THE NEW LADY GAGA RECORD, “THE FAME MONSTER,” HAS LEAKED!!! I am just starting it again for the third time in a row, and I have to say, it is absolutely stunning. Once again, Lady GaGa has made me want to start ripping my own hair out because she is just so brilliant I can’t stand it!!! She is, and I am absolutely serious about this, one of the greatest artists to have come out of the new millennium. In fact, I would even go as far as saying that she is one of the greatest artists of my lifetime. I don’t even know how to explain it, but as a songwriter she just does something I have never actually had the pleasure of hearing before. I don’t like doing that whole “This person is the next this person,” thing, but I really do believe, as far as artists who are around now, Lady GaGa is the one who will 20 years from now still have a strong career, like Madonna. I honestly believe that. I don’t even know how to elaborate on that, really, but there is just something about her that is absolutely captivating and brilliant. I love everything about her, especially the fact that she is bringing a type of artistry to the mainstream that hasn’t really been seen before. She is like a visual artist, (through fashion, installations and photography,) a performance artist, (through her high concept, almost subliminal messaging in videos and her intricate staging on tour and in appearances,) a songwriter, (doing both music and lyrics that are rich and layered, and have double meanings in many ways,) and a full out pop icon. It is amazing.

As far as “The Fame Monster” goes, despite being only 8 tracks, I think it may be even better than “The Fame.” Maybe not better, but it kind of exists on a different plane than “The Fame” does. They are extremely different records, lyrically, although I find it fascinating how they both have running themes throughout, and how opposite these themes are. “The Fame” had a very clear theme of talking about love and relationships through metaphors involving money, success, fame, glamour, etc., while “The Fame Monster” takes a very different look at the same universal topic of love and relationships, but through much darker themes. GaGa mentioned in interviews and such previously that the album was very much inspired by classic horror films, and you can definitely tell. The album has a resounding theme of death, blood and monsters. It is really interesting, too, because this collection is all kind of discussing the opposite side of relationships than “The Fame” did. There is not a single track on “The Fame Monster” that is not completely breathtaking and mind-blowing, but I am going to try my best to narrow my review of the album down to the best of the best. Of course, we should all know the song “Bad Romance” by now, which is just such a powerhouse, and is probably the closest song on this record to the songs of “The Fame.” It is just such a large, multi-faceted track. The layering on the vocals throughout is my favorite aspect of that song. It just gives it such a huge, epic sound. My favorite track on the record is probably, “Dance In The Dark.” This song made me cry upon first listen, but is still incredibly upbeat and inspiring and danceable. The concept is essentially about a girl who has a boyfriend who constantly puts her down. The chorus says, “Baby loves to dance in the dark cos’ when he’s looking she falls apart.” It is a very powerful comment on an emotionally abusive relationship. I also love the fact that the bridge of the song is kind of a shout out to a lot of fallen women who were in relationships that may have been similar to the situation of the song, most poignantly Princess Diana. If you are not necessarily a fan of GaGa’s or it’s not really your style, I recommend you at least give this song a chance. It is really a gorgeous song with a beautiful message. Another favorite is the song, “Monster,” which opens with the simple spoken line, “Don’t call me GaGa,” followed by a repeated line of “He ate my heart, he ate my heart, he ate my heart…” Right off the bat you’re sucked in with that line, and the song only gets better from there. It is essentially about getting involved with somebody who kind of takes you over. The chorus is also extremely catchy, “That boy is a monster.” It is brilliant, and probably the strongest example of that whole classic horror theme. Also, this album includes what I am now considering the definitive GaGa ballad, “Speechless.” The first album included “Brown Eyes” and, on some editions, “Again Again,” which are both beautiful songs, but this song really feels like a ballad put through the GaGa machine. It is an absolutely heartbreaking song. There is a part at the end of the song where she kind of amends the chorus to say, “I’ll never talk again, I’ll never love again, I’ll never write a song or even sing along, You’ve left me so speechless.” I was already really into the song, but as soon as I heard that line, I was like, “Oh my God, I know EXACTLY what she is saying.” I do. I have had that exact feeling. One of my favorite things about this track, too, is that it could easily be the prequel to a track that is my favorite I’ve heard so far from the Adam Lambert record, called “Music Again.” “Speechless” is a song about being left without a voice, while the “Music Again” is a song about finding someone new after being so hurt, someone who makes you “want to listen to music again.” God, I can’t wait for that record to leak.

It actually makes me a little sad, though, that “The Fame Monster” has leaked already. Believe me, I am glad that it happened and completely over the moon to be listening to it right now, but it is a little sad that after this, all that is left is the Adam Lambert record and that will be it for the music that I have been really anticipating this year. There are no currently planned releases in December that I am really excited about or have been anxiously awaiting. Once Adam Lambert comes, that will be pretty much it for 2009. This has been a very good year in music, though. I certainly cannot deny that. Once the year is closer to its end, I will probably write a full blog just about the music of the year. I normally do write one, someplace or another, so this blog should be no different. I also pick a new artist at the end of every year who I dub the best new artist of that year, and who pretty much always blow up a bit in the following year. For example, the first year I really officially decided to pick a new artist of the year was 2005, and that artist was The Veronicas. Now, they didn’t become household names or anything, (still haven’t, at least not in America,) but they officially released their first album that year, went on a successful tour of the US, started getting play on radio and MTV here and really kind of put themselves on the map that year. In 2006, the artist was Lily Allen and come 2007, her music was getting played on every TV show possible, and featured in movie trailers, she was featured in many issues of Rolling Stone and even scheduled, but cancelled, a US tour. The artist for 2007 was a band called The Weepies, who technically didn’t count as they had been around a while, but were still kind of unknown, but by 2008 they had a song featured on the “Sex & The City” movie soundtrack and they released their third, and most successful to date, “Hideaway.” Finally, my new artist of the year for 2008 was none other than Lady GaGa, and I think we all know the story with that one. She had her first number one single as the first number one single of 2009, and followed that up with 3 more, making her the first artist in Billboard history to have 4 consecutive number one singles from her debut album. So, who will it be for 2009? I am pretty sure I have an artist in mind, but I am not 100% just yet. It is kind of neck-and-neck between two really brilliant artists I have discovered this year. I will elaborate more on this, though, when I actually do my music of 2009 blog.

That’s it for now, though. I will write a little more before bed, although I can’t imagine too much more will go on between now and then.

10:06pm

As suspected, not much has gone on since the last bit I updated. I had dinner, (Hot Pockets,) and watched “Desperate Housewives,” which is kind of weird this season, but I am still enjoying it. It seems like a lot of my favorite TV shows are kind of off this season. “Desperate Housewives,” “Gossip Girl,” and “90210” have been particularly different. All three of these shows have very interesting storylines taking place and such, but it seems like on all of them there are certain main characters who they are just not giving anything all that interesting to do because they are focusing more on new characters. New characters are awesome and everything, but your old characters shouldn’t be let to fall by the wayside because you’re more into your new cast members. That is just a random observation, really. One TV show, though, that has really been on the top of its game this season is “Ugly Betty.” I think this season is the best the show has had yet, and I am very glad to see that they are not going to roll over and die just because they’ve been put in a shitty time slot.

Another thing that happened during that time is that I received an email informing me of a comment on my last blog. As much as this blog is not really intended for public consumption or, at least, that is not it’s main purpose, I still really want people to read it. I have been wondering recently whether or not anybody was reading the blog at all, and it was really good for me to see that there was somebody ready and who cared enough to comment, so special thanks to Tracy from Louisiana, who is one of the few people from ICON: The Official Madonna Fan Club that I still keep in touch with! It really does mean a lot to me that you are reading, and to anybody else who may be reading and simply not commenting, I really appreciate that, too! It is simply my ego that needs to have comments and such to reassure me that people are reading. I know that this blog, and what comes of it at the end of the year, will find its audience. I am certain of that. My ego is the only thing causing me to need something more to confirm that, because my ego is what creates doubt in my mind. I just have to keep working to beat the ego and not let it get to me. I know I can.

Aside from that, I would like to just take a little time, pre-Thanksgiving, to express my appreciation for a lot of things in my life. I am extremely grateful for the people who surround me, even if we have our issues from time to time. I am extremely grateful for the clear path in front of me, even if I sometimes allow my ego to make it appear foggy to me. I am extremely grateful that I have an audience to bear witness to my life, and for the knowledge that this audience is only going to grow from here. That may sound a little funny to you, but I really believe that. There is this song by one my favorite songwriters of all time, Lori McKenna, called “Witness To Your Life.” The chorus to this song says, “All you really need is someone to be here, someone who’ll never let you disappear, and I will be that witness to your life.” The first time I heard this song, I was blown away. I think that is one of the most powerful statements one can make about love. It is also one of the most insightful lyrics I have ever heard. Essentially, that is what we are all looking for. We want somebody to be around for our lives, and we want somebody to leave our imprint upon. For me, though, I have always just had this intuition that there will never be that one person for me. I believe in soulmates, (I believe that mine is my best friend, Don,) and I believe that for a lot of people there is a “one,” but I do not believe there is one for me. I have just always felt like that is not the path for me. I actually had a tarot card reading done a couple years ago, (the only one I’ve ever had done,) that basically confirmed that for me. There were no cards that came up in reference to love or relationships, which the woman who did the reading told me was pretty unusual, but my cards were all in reference to career. They put an emphasis on a creative career, and put very little emphasis on relationships. It was funny, because the woman was trying to break that to me gently or something and I was like, “Oh no, I know that already!” Like I said, I have just always known intrinsically that my life is simply not about finding love… at least not in that form. My love has always been music. Do I want a lasting relationship? Absolutely. I also know, though, that any relationship I have will never take priority over my dreams. I am simply not made that way. That may sound bad to others, but it is the truth to me. I wouldn’t have it any other way, either. I know exactly what I am meant for in this world, and that is the thing that I am grateful for more than anything else in this world.

Now, though, it is time for bed. I have to get back into the daily grind tomorrow, which includes getting up at 7:30am. I have to work the full week this week, then the following week is only three days, then I am on my four day weekend! I cannot wait for that! I don’t know what I am going to do with that time, but I need to start working on plans as soon as possible! I want to have a good time with my vacation time, no matter what I wind up doing!

Stay tuned, folks!