Chapter 25: Fire Bomb

What to say about today? It was back to work, and work was busy! It wasn't excessively busy, but in comparison to how it has been recently it was pretty busy. It was one of those days where there weren't a ton of calls holding, but it was like every time I finished one call another was waiting. I know people say that they like work to be busy because it makes the day go by faster, but I don't find that to be true for me. It feels longer to me when we're busy, in a lot of ways. I think, on busy days, I spend the whole time I am on calls watching the clock, whereas when I am just sitting I manage to find other ways to keep me entertained that are more interesting to me. This says something about my work ethic, doesn't it? I'm joking, my work ethic is very good. I am just really good at distracting myself when the need is there.

This morning, before my Mom left for work, I kind of overheard her and her boyfriend having a bit of a spat. They "had words," as she puts it. I was kind of concerned about it when she left and was hoping for a chance to see her at work to make sure everything was alright. I didn't wind up seeing her until my shift ended, and everything was fine. The sad thing about this, though, was that my first reaction to hearing this was, "No, don't get in a fight and fuck up my plans!" By my plans, I mean my plans to move to California. I started thinking about it and if my Mom's possible plans for moving don't move forward, I don't know what I will do. My Mom told me that if this is what I really want to do then I should do it, regardless of what she winds up doing. That is very nice, and I am glad that she is on board with my plans, but at the same time I can't imagine leaving and moving forward if she isn't going to be doing the same thing. I mean, I could but I can't imagine what she'd do. As it is right now, she doesn't have the money to stay in this apartment on her own, (neither do I,) and if she isn't moving out of town I don't know what she'd do in town by herself. The thought of it is just heartbreaking to me. At the same time, though, I do need to move forward with MY life. I don't know. Fortunately, her situation with her boyfriend wasn't anything major and crisis has been averted. I just hope it stays that way. I really don't want to leave my Mom here living all by herself, and spending all of her time alone. The very thought of it just makes me sad. My ideal situation, though, aside from the original plan, would be for my Mom to pick up and move with me.

This whole concept got me thinking about what I would actually be giving up when I do move. The biggest sacrifice, the thing I will miss the most, is my Mom. It seems like everyone I know has a terrible relationship with their mothers, and I have always felt extremely grateful for the fact that I have such a strong relationship with my Mom. She is really like my best friend and, along with my best friend Don, is the person who knows me the best and loves me for exactly who I am. That would include my sister, as well, and I would miss her and her girlfriend and family a LOT, as well. Also, very close friends of mine here in Florida, Rachel and Whitney being the prime examples, are people I would miss terribly. Really thinking about that aspect of the whole thing definitely tugs at the heartstrings a LOT. However, I have seen the road laid out for me and I know what I have to do. These are all people, especially my Mom, who I would keep in close contact with. They would not be out of my life by any means. Plus, as I said, I have seen the road laid out before me. I feel almost as if I have magically been given a glimpse into the future and seen what could, and is supposed to, be. I would be a fool not to follow, and I feel like I would regret it for the rest of my life. I wrote a song about it today at work, (in the rare moments I wasn't on a call,) and it really answered all my questions.

Speaking of songs answering my questions, aside from the song I wrote, I had a song stuck in my head all day that really felt like it was there for a reason. That song was my favorite song from the new Rihanna album, called "Fire Bomb." It is a love song, but the lyrics use a very strong, beautiful imagery of a car accident. There is this one line in particular that really stuck out to me: "Where I'm going I don't need my brakes, can't wait to see your face when your front window breaks and I come crashing through..." That line, in a lot of ways, expresses a lot of how I feel about moving. Everyone around keeps telling me, and I keep telling myself, that I need to pump my brakes and slow down on all of this stuff, but I really kind of feel like "where I'm going, I don't need my brakes." This is not the time for caution. This is not the time for slowing down. I see what I need to do, and I have to get it done. I have to make this move. That's all there is to it. The time is right now and I am absolutely ready to come crashing through the front window of Los Angeles. "The others need to clear the road because this thing is ready to blow..." That is absolutely how I feel right now. A floodgate has been opened; a floodgate showing me the direction to my dreams. It can not be closed. I can not go back. The life I am leading right now is one that I have to leave behind. Things are going to change drastically and I need to embrace that as soon as possible. I am not a person who can't adjust to change, even a change as big as this. I can handle this all. I can because I simply have to. The universe has shown me what my life is meant to be and now it is my job to make sure that it actually happens... and I will get that job done.

Sorry, that got a little intense there.

Aside from all of that thinking, the day managed to pass fairly quickly. I came home to find that my Mom's boyfriend was still here, which would have irritated me considering it was Gossip Girl night, but my Mom kept me covered. She took him out to some sports bar to watch football tonight so that I could watch my Gossip Girl in peace. I had Thanksgiving Dinner, day 5, and sat down to the Gossip Girl Thanksgiving episode. It is a running theme, thus far, on Gossip Girl that the Thanksgiving episode is always one of the best of the season. This season did not disappoint, either. Despite the fact that watching a lot of this season's storylines unfold seemed a bit underwhelming, they basically brought all of them to a head in this one episode and managed to cleverly open up a few really big new storylines, as well. It's episodes like this that are the reason why, despite certain lulls it may go through, I will never give up on Gossip Girl. Every time you start thinking they may be losing their touch, they manage to do something that sucks you right back in. Josh Schwartz, creator of the television version of Gossip Girl, is a genius that way. He also did The O.C. and it was the same way, (although, I do hope Gossip Girl doesn't suffer the fate that The O.C. did, because that was just sad.)

Even though this is a bit shorter than usual, it is midnight now and I am exhausted. I really should get to bed. I am in my fuzzy place, which is what I call that period right before you're ready to fall asleep, and I need to get rested up for tomorrow. Why? I don't know exactly, but I am expecting it to be interesting. Interesting in a good way. We'll see what happens. I downloaded the movie "Jennifer's Body" over the weekend, but have yet to watch it, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'm sure once I do watch it, I'll dedicate a paragraph or two to it. Possibly on how much I dislike Megan Fox and do like Amanda Seyfried. Maybe it will be about the hotness of Adam Brody. Most likely, though, it will be about whether or not my expectations from Diablo Cody are founded or not. I loved "Juno" and, even more, love "United States Of Tara," so I am curious to see what else she has up her sleeve. Only time will tell. In the meantime, it is off to Dreamland with me.