Chapter 4: Blame It On The Changes

Today.

I did not want to wake up this morning, for one thing, but once I finally did get up I was fine. I went to work and made my best attempts to stick to myself and not make too much noise or appear like I was involved in any group conversations that may or may not have been inappropriate. I think I pulled it off. I know there were a few moments where it was a struggle, as I have become so used to sitting around that place all day and talking shit with all of my co-workers who spend all day doing the exact same thing.

I've come to realize another thing about that, though. If everyone else is sitting around, talking shit and creating problems in the workplace, I know that I should be doing the exact opposite. I am, after all, doing all of this in attempts to stand out from the crowd. I have spent too long allowing myself to get caught up in the crowd. Now is a crucial time for me to prove that I am not like everybody else. Now is the time for me to show through my actions, not just my words, that I am focused and driven and ready to take on more responsibility... Especially because I know that the people who are making the decision have yet to really see that side of me, (although I would hope that they realize it is in there.)

Aside from work, it was a pretty lax day. I came home and dicked around on the internet for a while, listened to the new Kris Allen record and played fucking online sudoku again. I need to stop with that shit. I feel like it's not good for me, but it just passes time so easily. Correction: It wastes time so easily. As for the Kris Allen record... well, I can't say much of it really stood out to me. I only listened to it the one time so far, but I didn't find anything all that special about it. I didn't really expect much, honestly, but I figured it was worth a shot. It's funny, because I am a big fan of American Idol but I never expect much out of their albums after the show has ended. It's extremely hit or miss. At first, I was really into the whole thing about waiting for them to release post-idol music and there was no disappointment in the first season - it was Kelly Clarkson, after all. She remains one of my absolute favorite artist. After that season, though, I have remained a fan of the show but have been consistently disappointed by the debuts of the artists from the show, especially the winners. This does not include, of course, Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood. Jordin Sparks has done alright for herself, as far as the quality of the music, but aside from that I can't really think of another who I have really enjoyed after the show ended.

Of course, another reason why I did not expect much from the Kris Allen album is because it just seemed so clear that he was not the one who deserved to win. I don't even really think he deserved second place. The last season of American Idol was so clearly all about Adam Lambert it's not even funny. He came out every week and put all the rest of the contestants to shame, and the couple of songs he has released since the end of his season have been absolutely amazing. He is one who is clearly meant for this industry. He is another exception to the rule that American Idol contestants just aren't worth the time after the show. He is a captivating personality as well as an immensely talented artist, and I look forward to the release of his debut album, (which is only 2 weeks away at this point.)

For those of you who may stumble upon this who don't know me so well, I watch a lot of TV. I wouldn't call it an excessive amount, but there are a lot of shows that I watch regularly. Of these shows, though, there is one that is my absolute favorite: Gossip Girl. The current season, the show's third, has been a little less than stellar in comparison to the two previous ones but tonight's episode was a BIG one. How big? Well, I don't really know exactly how to process the information that took place in front of my eyes beyond "HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT! I JUST WATCHED HILARY DUFF KISS ANOTHER GIRL!!!" In the pre-season buzz, when it was announced that Hilary Duff was joining the show, I practically jumped for joy. Hilary Duff has been one of my favorite celebrities ever since I saw the Lizzie McGuire Movie in the theater, and wound up going back three more times. I have followed her career closely since then. I have been a big fan of most of her movies and have loved all of her albums, and have always felt that she was a great role model for younger people. Then, she decided to try to take her career in a different direction and broke away from the Disney corporation and has taken control of her career by self-releasing her music, taking on much more mature film and television roles, (including Gossip Girl, where she KISSED A GIRL,) and even designed a line for DKNY, my personal favorite fashion house. I just have a lot of respect for her... and I WATCHED HER KISS A GIRL.

Aside from that, I kind of did a little dealing with an issue I have been having recently amongst some of my good friends. I know it's going to sound like I am quoting a Mariah Carey song, but I have had this issue most of my life about feeling like an outsider. It's a strange dichotomy of my personality, honestly. I'd be lying if I tried to paint a picture of me growing up sad and lonely and being one of those kids who never had friends. I am a very outgoing and social person, and have never had trouble maintaining a certain level of popularity amongst any group that I wind up surrounded by. I have always managed to surround myself with a group of people who I can have a good time with. That group, however, has never remained a consistent group. I have always gone through spurts with a group of people and after a while I simply remove myself and move on to another group of friends. I think the reason for this is that I am a person who changes frequently. Nearly daily, even. As my interests change, the people around me suddenly seem like people I have nothing in common with.

For the first time in my life, though, I have a handful of people in my life that I don't necessarily want to remove myself from. I can't deny that I have gotten to the point where I am beginning to notice how little I have in common with many of them, but at the same time I still feel a bond with them; a bond strong enough to not want to let go of. The issue I have been having recently is that I feel like they are wanting to remove themselves from me. I have never had to deal with this before and I am not sure I know how to. It makes sense, though, and is probably well-deserved that these people don't necessarily want to be my BFFs or anything. I understand the issues that I have and am fully willing to admit to them: I am bossy, domineering, I need to be the center of attention, I need to be in control of things, I am completely self-absorbed and have trouble relating to most people. I am working on changing these things, but in some ways I cherish these things about myself. I don't know what is right, but what I do know is that I do not want to not be a part of the group anymore.

This is such a high school thing to even be discussing. At the same time, though, I think I am realizing for the first time in my life that this is NOT high school. Adults don't flit around from group to group, leaving as soon as they feel like they have found a cooler, more popular group. Also, adult's don't really have "groups." I think that is the resolution that I am coming to. I don't need to be a part of the "group." What I need to do is maintain my individual friendships with the individuals who are a part of the group. I don't need to be like Sex & The City and have a little group who are all best friends with each other. I just need to have my best friends and let them all be friends with whoever they want. Growing up is complicated... and it feels like I am extremely behind on it.

I dropped out of high school four times. I went to freshman year four times and don't think I ever made it past the first semester. It's not that I wasn't smart enough or couldn't handle the workload, it's just that I went to each of these semesters in different cities and states. I know that makes it sound like I had parents who were pulling me out of school because they couldn't stay in one place for long, but that is not the case. In fact, it is much more that I had parents who gave me the freedom to be a teenager who couldn't stay in one place for long. I take complete responsibility for that. What I realized a few years ago, though, is that high school seems to be where people learn the most about society and become prepared to go out into the world. You know how at every job you have you say, "God, this place is like high school?" I have realized that this is on purpose. It is not that your workplace is like a high school, but that high school was designed to be like the real world. The hole in this plan, though, is that high school is like heightened reality. You are a teenager and you are going through puberty and your hormones are raging and it is just a terrible time... so, we spend the rest of our lives looking at these similar situations and relating them to that terrible experience. Due to the fact that I did not have that high school experience, I feel like I am at a disadvantage to the rest of the world in some ways. I did not have that period to prepare for the real world. I was just thrown into it... which would explain why I have spent the past 7 or 8 years, (which would have been my post-high school years,) looking at the world through high school eyes... and now I am here, having to suddenly be an adult and being completely shocked by all of it.

At the same time, though, I also feel like I have a bit of an advantage over others because of that lack of a high school experience. I don't revert back to high school mode of having extreme reactions to things like most people do. I don't look at my workplace as being like high school, (although I have been guilty of making that comment a time or two,) but am able to accept it for what it is: life. I don't know which is true... but I have a feeling it is probably all true in different ways.

In any sense, it can all best be summed up by what I stated above... Growing up is complicated.

The visit with my grandparents yesterday has left me with one thing really on my mind, though: I need to learn how to drive. As much as I have always denied it, I do feel like driving is a crucial part of growing up and something that I missed out on. I have always felt like it was over-rated and not entirely necessary for me, however as I get older I begin to notice more and more the effect that not knowing how to drive has had on my life. There are a lot of freedoms that I am missing because I don't know how to drive. I am not able to pick up and go when I feel like it. I find myself having to wait around for people when I want to go somewhere and it adds a lot of extra stress to my life. If I run out of cigarettes or need something to drink or want something to eat and don't feel like cooking, I have to just deal with it. I am really kind of sick of all of that, and I know the solution. I don't like the idea of me driving, honestly, but I think it is a necessary evil. I can't imagine myself ever becoming one of those people who loves to drive. I can't see myself being that person volunteering to drive when planning on going somewhere in a group. I certainly can't imagine myself ever being the designated driver on a night out. I just can't see it being something that I will really enjoy. However, as I mentioned before, it is something that I need to do and something that will serve me well in the long run.

Tomorrow.

More of the same, most likely. Work. Come home. Watch TV. Listen to music. I'll try to make something interesting happen so this blog doesn't get boring.

...but it's me writing it - how could it ever be boring?