Chapter 5: Morning Song

I woke up this morning at about 8am, which is later than usual for a weekday. As I mentioned in one of the previous blogs, I always like to have a full two hours of awake time before I have to be anywhere or do anything. So, naturally, because I work at 9:30am every day I always try to wake up by 7:30am. That didn't happen today.

You know that feeling you have when you first wake up and you don't want to get out of bed? You feel groggy and not entirely alert and you ache all over and just have a general feeling of being out of it? Today that feeling never went away. I kind of still have it, although it's not quite as bad now. I wonder if I am not getting sick. I hope not, but you never know.

Actually, the concept of getting sick really kind of freaks me out at the moment. I am not one of those people who is freaking out about the swine flu or washing my hands every five minutes and not allowing anybody to come close to me, but today I found out that the swine flu is actually a lot closer to me than I had thought. I am not going to go into detail on that because it is not my story to tell. If I were to wind up with it I would certainly share all the details but considering this is not my virus, I am not going to discuss it. Do I think that I have it? No. Do I think there may be cause for concern? Maybe. Honestly, just based on the symptoms, I don't think that is what my problem is. I don't really have any idea what my problem is. All I know for certain is that I spent today feeling terrible and wanting nothing more than to just go back to bed.

It didn't help, either, that this day wound up a bit of a mess. Perhaps this day wound up a bit of a mess because I was feeling so bad. I don't know - the chicken or the egg, right? I spent the first 3 or 4 hours of my work day studying the manuals and keeping to myself, despite the fact that my co-workers were trying to get me to talk with them and stuff. I was trying my best to remain focused on studying up for the promotion I am hoping to get in the not too distant future, and even more trying to show the people that are making the decisions on that matter that I was doing so. So, of course, what happens? After my lunch break, I come back inside and decide it would be okay to take a break from all of that and engage in a floor appropriate conversation with a few of my co-workers. Just joking around and such. Then, after not being noticed for my pro-active studies from the morning time, I got noticed and kind of called out for not being focused on the job. I hate moments like that. I just feel like I am making so much effort to prove to people that I am taking things seriously and focusing, but they only take any notice the moment I make a slip.

I know what the answer is here: Don't make a slip. It just gets so difficult because I am trying everything I can and it just seems like it is never good enough, or nobody notices that I am even trying. They only notice the moments I am not trying. I don't know a solution for this, except to not make any slips. Essentially, I feel like the only way I am ever going to be taken seriously is to simply become perfection. I am not perfection, though. I can't make myself become perfection. Can I? This whole situation is driving me completely insane because I don't know what to do to make it work. I don't know how to make these people who clearly don't take me seriously suddenly start to. I don't know what to do... but I am beginning to feel like there is no hope for this promotion and being able to put management on my resume and being able to prove myself as somebody who can be taken seriously. I feel like these people are never going to look at me as somebody who can do the job because they have only one concept of me and are not willing to falter from it. Maybe I am taking the whole situation too seriously. Isn't that ironic? I am the only person who can see that I am taking it seriously at all and here I am thinking that I am taking it too seriously?

I spent the rest of the day at work being a combination of angry and depressed. I did that to myself and I am aware of that fact. Nothing at that job, no person in my life, no situation or circumstance has the power to stir negative emotions in me. I do it to myself.

I used to be so good at stopping that type of thing from happening. Back in 2007 I read a book called "The Secret." I'm sure you've heard of it, (it was on Oprah, after all.) The concept of this book was that anything that happens in our lives is brought on by our own thoughts, and you can bring greatness into your life by focusing on it and really believing it will come. I have found this to be true. After reading that book, I decided to test out the whole concept. I came up with a couple of things that I really wanted at the time and decided to focus on them and see if they would come to me. The two things I decided on? A Motorola Q and Kelly Clarkson tickets. I was very specific about this, too. I put a lot of my focus on those two things and made myself completely certain that they were coming to me. This was a little while before my birthday, and within the month I had gotten them both as birthday gifts. Funny thing, though... The Kelly Clarkson tickets were a weird thing because I had decided on them, but I was a little more lax on the concept of having them and was kind of like, "Well, if not Kelly Clarkson then I want Mandy Moore tickets." So, while focusing on the Kelly Clarkson tickets, I also focused on Mandy Moore tickets. Mandy Moore was a much more far-fetched idea considering she had not gone on a full tour since back in the early 2000s and there had not been any announcements made of one at the time. I just knew I really really wanted to see her in concert. Of all the artists that I listen to and adore, Mandy Moore has always been my idol. I always dreamed of having a career like hers when I was younger, (and although that whole concept has changed, my respect and admiration for her has not.) So, I got the Kelly Clarkson tickets for her "My December" tour. Shortly afterward, though, it was announced that the tour was canceled. As soon as I found this out, I told my Mom, "Well, I guess it'll be Mandy Moore then." There had still not been any announcement of a tour from her or anything like that, but I kept focused on it and not too long later it came. So, after getting tickets to her shows in both Tampa and Orlando, I decided that just seeing her wasn't going to cut it. I had decided that somehow, some way at one of these shows, I was also going to meet her. Then, a week or two before the actual show dates, there was announcement of a contest on http://www.buzznet.com to win a meet & greet with Mandy before each show. It was an essay writing contest, and I wrote a different essay for both Tampa and Orlando. The Tampa show was on a Tuesday night and when the day of the show came, I had not received any notification that I had won or anything. So, I went to the show, was in the front row, and had an amazing time. Then, the next morning, I decided to try contacting the people running the contest to see if winners had been chosen for the Orlando show, (which was on the Friday night of that week,) and they got back to me right away saying that there had been another winner selected, but that person had not responded to their contact and I had been the second choice meaning that now I was the winner! I can't even explain how excited and shocked and amazed I was upon hearing that. Not only because I was going to meet my idol, but because I had managed to prove to myself that "The Secret" really worked. That was really one of the happiest moments of my life.

From that point forward, I used the Secret for a million and a half different, wonderful things in my life. Things as small as relieving a headache or a charlie horse, (which I have a tendency to get every so often,) to meeting another of my all-time favorite artists, Chris Carrabba from Dashboard Confessional, to managing a trip to LA to see the Spice Girls reunion tour with my best friend, Don. I was riding pretty high on life at that time. I was financially stable, I was doing all kinds of things that I had only ever dreamed of and for the first time in my life, I was genuinely happy and at peace. 2007 was one of my best years, honestly. Then came 2008. I had a falling out with one of my best friends, I lost my job and my life became a general malaise. It just became one thing going wrong after another. What was worse, though, was that suddenly the Secret stopped working for me. I somehow stopped being able to focus on things and really believe that they were going to happen. It is a skill I have been fighting really hard, unsuccessfully so far, to get back ever since. I still don't fully understand what exactly caused such a drastic change in my life, but I am fully determined to get it back.

Now, while I am on the topic, I would like to just add that I am not solely a believer in the Secret. Prior to reading the Secret, I had been studying Kabbalah, (and still do,) and the Secret tied in very closely with Kabbalah. In fact, if you ask me, The Secret is really just an offshoot of Kabbalah - they fit hand in hand. I honestly don't entirely recommend practicing the Secret alone. The issue with The Secret is that it is very one-sided. It is telling you how to get good things that you want in your life but makes no mention of trying to do good with what you get or any form of reciprocity and I don't believe there can ever be any true joy in simply receiving to receive or to fulfill your own whims. So, if you are going to attempt the Secret as I did, I would highly recommend coupling it with a religious system of your choosing.

All I know is that I kind of feel like crap. I feel like this entire day has been one very long, crappy morning and now I am going to do what I wanted to do as soon as I woke up to begin it all...

Go back to bed.