Chapter 25: Fire Bomb

What to say about today? It was back to work, and work was busy! It wasn't excessively busy, but in comparison to how it has been recently it was pretty busy. It was one of those days where there weren't a ton of calls holding, but it was like every time I finished one call another was waiting. I know people say that they like work to be busy because it makes the day go by faster, but I don't find that to be true for me. It feels longer to me when we're busy, in a lot of ways. I think, on busy days, I spend the whole time I am on calls watching the clock, whereas when I am just sitting I manage to find other ways to keep me entertained that are more interesting to me. This says something about my work ethic, doesn't it? I'm joking, my work ethic is very good. I am just really good at distracting myself when the need is there.

This morning, before my Mom left for work, I kind of overheard her and her boyfriend having a bit of a spat. They "had words," as she puts it. I was kind of concerned about it when she left and was hoping for a chance to see her at work to make sure everything was alright. I didn't wind up seeing her until my shift ended, and everything was fine. The sad thing about this, though, was that my first reaction to hearing this was, "No, don't get in a fight and fuck up my plans!" By my plans, I mean my plans to move to California. I started thinking about it and if my Mom's possible plans for moving don't move forward, I don't know what I will do. My Mom told me that if this is what I really want to do then I should do it, regardless of what she winds up doing. That is very nice, and I am glad that she is on board with my plans, but at the same time I can't imagine leaving and moving forward if she isn't going to be doing the same thing. I mean, I could but I can't imagine what she'd do. As it is right now, she doesn't have the money to stay in this apartment on her own, (neither do I,) and if she isn't moving out of town I don't know what she'd do in town by herself. The thought of it is just heartbreaking to me. At the same time, though, I do need to move forward with MY life. I don't know. Fortunately, her situation with her boyfriend wasn't anything major and crisis has been averted. I just hope it stays that way. I really don't want to leave my Mom here living all by herself, and spending all of her time alone. The very thought of it just makes me sad. My ideal situation, though, aside from the original plan, would be for my Mom to pick up and move with me.

This whole concept got me thinking about what I would actually be giving up when I do move. The biggest sacrifice, the thing I will miss the most, is my Mom. It seems like everyone I know has a terrible relationship with their mothers, and I have always felt extremely grateful for the fact that I have such a strong relationship with my Mom. She is really like my best friend and, along with my best friend Don, is the person who knows me the best and loves me for exactly who I am. That would include my sister, as well, and I would miss her and her girlfriend and family a LOT, as well. Also, very close friends of mine here in Florida, Rachel and Whitney being the prime examples, are people I would miss terribly. Really thinking about that aspect of the whole thing definitely tugs at the heartstrings a LOT. However, I have seen the road laid out for me and I know what I have to do. These are all people, especially my Mom, who I would keep in close contact with. They would not be out of my life by any means. Plus, as I said, I have seen the road laid out before me. I feel almost as if I have magically been given a glimpse into the future and seen what could, and is supposed to, be. I would be a fool not to follow, and I feel like I would regret it for the rest of my life. I wrote a song about it today at work, (in the rare moments I wasn't on a call,) and it really answered all my questions.

Speaking of songs answering my questions, aside from the song I wrote, I had a song stuck in my head all day that really felt like it was there for a reason. That song was my favorite song from the new Rihanna album, called "Fire Bomb." It is a love song, but the lyrics use a very strong, beautiful imagery of a car accident. There is this one line in particular that really stuck out to me: "Where I'm going I don't need my brakes, can't wait to see your face when your front window breaks and I come crashing through..." That line, in a lot of ways, expresses a lot of how I feel about moving. Everyone around keeps telling me, and I keep telling myself, that I need to pump my brakes and slow down on all of this stuff, but I really kind of feel like "where I'm going, I don't need my brakes." This is not the time for caution. This is not the time for slowing down. I see what I need to do, and I have to get it done. I have to make this move. That's all there is to it. The time is right now and I am absolutely ready to come crashing through the front window of Los Angeles. "The others need to clear the road because this thing is ready to blow..." That is absolutely how I feel right now. A floodgate has been opened; a floodgate showing me the direction to my dreams. It can not be closed. I can not go back. The life I am leading right now is one that I have to leave behind. Things are going to change drastically and I need to embrace that as soon as possible. I am not a person who can't adjust to change, even a change as big as this. I can handle this all. I can because I simply have to. The universe has shown me what my life is meant to be and now it is my job to make sure that it actually happens... and I will get that job done.

Sorry, that got a little intense there.

Aside from all of that thinking, the day managed to pass fairly quickly. I came home to find that my Mom's boyfriend was still here, which would have irritated me considering it was Gossip Girl night, but my Mom kept me covered. She took him out to some sports bar to watch football tonight so that I could watch my Gossip Girl in peace. I had Thanksgiving Dinner, day 5, and sat down to the Gossip Girl Thanksgiving episode. It is a running theme, thus far, on Gossip Girl that the Thanksgiving episode is always one of the best of the season. This season did not disappoint, either. Despite the fact that watching a lot of this season's storylines unfold seemed a bit underwhelming, they basically brought all of them to a head in this one episode and managed to cleverly open up a few really big new storylines, as well. It's episodes like this that are the reason why, despite certain lulls it may go through, I will never give up on Gossip Girl. Every time you start thinking they may be losing their touch, they manage to do something that sucks you right back in. Josh Schwartz, creator of the television version of Gossip Girl, is a genius that way. He also did The O.C. and it was the same way, (although, I do hope Gossip Girl doesn't suffer the fate that The O.C. did, because that was just sad.)

Even though this is a bit shorter than usual, it is midnight now and I am exhausted. I really should get to bed. I am in my fuzzy place, which is what I call that period right before you're ready to fall asleep, and I need to get rested up for tomorrow. Why? I don't know exactly, but I am expecting it to be interesting. Interesting in a good way. We'll see what happens. I downloaded the movie "Jennifer's Body" over the weekend, but have yet to watch it, so maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'm sure once I do watch it, I'll dedicate a paragraph or two to it. Possibly on how much I dislike Megan Fox and do like Amanda Seyfried. Maybe it will be about the hotness of Adam Brody. Most likely, though, it will be about whether or not my expectations from Diablo Cody are founded or not. I loved "Juno" and, even more, love "United States Of Tara," so I am curious to see what else she has up her sleeve. Only time will tell. In the meantime, it is off to Dreamland with me.

Chapter 24: Timothy (Where Have You Been?)

Let me just start this whole thing by saying how glorious this four day weekend has been. It really has done me a world of good. The only bad part is that it is about to be over. I'm not exactly looking forward to returning to work tomorrow but, if nothing else, it will be nice to premiere some new clothes! I haven't gotten to do that in a while, so I am excited about it. Yes, I understand that this makes me a huge nerd, but I am comfortable with that. I'd rather be a nerd for fashion than for Star Trek or something like that. That is a type of nerd that I can get behind!

Today was a pretty uneventful day, in the best kind of way. I woke up around 1:30pm, which is a very bad thing, but I am confident I will have no problem sleeping tonight. My Mom and her boyfriend were out in some bar & grill type place watching football, so I had the house to myself. I decided to do laundry and catch up on some of the TV watching I had missed this week. There wasn't really a lot to catch up on, though, because most shows didn't air new episodes this week due to Thanksgiving. I watched a couple episodes of The View and Chelsea Lately, as well as an episode of The Joy Behar Show, which I normally don't watch. I recorded this particular episode because I found on Twitter that one of my favorite youtube stars and television personalities, Jeffery Self was appearing in a panel of openly gay writers, comedians and performers. They were there to discuss whether or not the Holidays are a good time for closeted gays to come out, as well as giving a gay perspective on the Adam Lambert drama of the week. Jeffery and the other two panelists, Kevin Meaney and Judy Gold, all had favorable comments about both topics. It was nice to see gay entertainers stand together in praise of another gay entertainer. It warmed the cockles of my heart. Okay, now I am just being plain nerdy. I did find it very inspiring, though, and very appropriate in comparison to the comments found on gay message boards and such about Adam, (as mentioned in a previous entry.)

I decided to spend a little time online reading my favorite site, Oh No They Didn't, and catching up on the celebrity news and gossip of the past few days. Sadly, there wasn't anything major to catch up on. Drama surrounding Tiger Woods' accident this week, which I have very little interest in. I did read the news, though, that there is a new musical premiering in the West End next year called "Viva Forever," which is a musical telling the story of the Spice Girls rise to, and fall from, fame set to the music they made famous throughout the course of their careers. I think this sounds like an absolutely amazing idea and would love to see this show become a hit and come to Broadway! My only concern with it, really, is the fact that it is written by Kim Fuller, who wrote the film "Spiceworld." Doing this so long after the fact, I feel like doing it in the same style as "Spiceworld" would be a big mistake. What I would like to see, as a huge fan of the Spice Girls as a group and individually, is an emotional but still fun and above all else, honest depiction of the way things really happened with the group. We'll see how that turns out. Either way, though, having more Spice Girls in the world is definitely a good thing!

This afternoon, through random online travels, I came across this amazing guy named Chase Whitehouse, (which I assume is a psuedonym, considering what he does,) who has a youtube channel called New Left Media. The video that initially caught my attention was one with Chase interviewing people in line for a Sarah Palin book signing in Ohio, (or maybe it was Michigan,) and asking them for reasons why they support Sarah Palin and their opinions on her political views and what they'd like to see her do as president. The responses from these people were truly astonishing. Essentially, all of these people were talking about how they hoped she would run for president and how they would vote for her and such but when asked further questions as to why they feel that way or what policies they'd like to see her put in place, they all kind of came up empty. I understand that there are uninformed Liberals, as well, but I can't imagine being as emphatic about a candidate as these people were without making myself familiar with their views on the major issues. I think this is a large problem in America, on both sides. People need to start getting more involved. If nothing else, they need to at least be aware of what is going on in our government. If your opinion then is that Sarah Palin is a qualified candidate, (which I can't imagine,) then more power to you.

After watching this video, I spent a good little while watching more videos on the youtube channel, including one very powerful video interviewing people at the National Equality March on Washington, D.C. that took place back in October. It is very inspiring to see the way that this new generation of gay youths are becoming so much more involved in the fight for equality than they have in my lifetime. Seriously, it always seemed to me when I was younger like that was the older generations fight and there was no use in me or people my age getting involved. Even more, I used to think that gay marriage was kind of a "distraction" tactic that politicians would use to take attention away from bigger issues, (which I still believe was the case throughout much of the Bush administration,) but now I see how important it really is. I don't personally have any plans for getting married at any point in my life, but I finally understand the importance of having the option. It isn't necessarily about marriage, or about Don't Ask Don't Tell, or any particular issue. It is about the much bigger issue: Gay people are not considered equal and do not have the same rights as the rest of the citizens of the United States. Thinking about it in those terms really puts a lot of things into perspective. I, whether I intend to do it or not, do not have the RIGHT to get married. I do not have the right to be in the US Military, unless I want to hide who I really am. I do not have the right to make decisions for the person I love and spend my life with in the hospital, should anything terrible happen to them. I am not considered equal to the rest of the citizens of the US, and me and my generation can not afford to sit idly by and let it continue. I have been guilty of saying, "Well, Obama made promises to the gay community, but he has a lot on his plate." Despite the fact that this could not be more true, that does not mean that we should spend a moment longer being viewed as second class citizens in a country that we come from, that we love and respect just as much as any straight citizen. It is simply not right. Never again will I view this issue as frivolous or a "distraction" from the real issues. THIS IS A REAL ISSUE, for myself and so many others out there. So, my special thanks go out to Chase Whitehouse and New Left Media for helping me to finally understand that. I highly recommend that anyone who happens to read this blog click on the links included here and go watch their videos. Your mind will be blown.

I spent the evening grooming, showering, shaving, etc., and then had Thanksgiving Dinner, Day 4. I've gotta say, I am not tired of it yet. I guess this is because Days 1 and 2 were a different meal, over at my sister's house, than Days 3 and 4. Now, I am feeling very overstuffed and getting ready for bed. I found via Twitter, though, that the new Timbaland record has leaked to the internet, so I downloaded it and am listening to it right now, (thanks to Jonny ALi's blog.) I wasn't expecting much, honestly, from "Shock Value II" because I honestly wasn't too big a fan of "Shock Value I." "Shock Value I" was, to me, one of those records that makes for great background music but you wouldn't generally listen to as a whole album. That album has a lot of individual songs that I would listen to frequently, but never as a whole collection. That is not the case with "Shock Value II," though. I like this album about a million times better than the first one. Like the previous record, every song kinda stands on it's own but these songs work much more cohesively as a collection. There are a lot of major standouts on this record, many of which I found very surprising. None more surprising, though, than the song "Tomorrow In The Bottle" featuring Chad Kroeger from Nickelback. Most people who know me know that Nickelback is probably my least favorite band in the entire world. I absolutely hate their music, and absolutely hate the fact that since they came out pretty much every rock band that has become successful sounds a little too much like them. It is a shitty sound and not worth replicating in the first place. I just really don't like them. However, "Tomorrow In The Bottle" is one of my favorite tracks on this album. Another favorite, which is completely to be expected of me, is "We Belong To The Music" featuring Miley Cyrus. I haven't necessarily discussed it much here, but I am a big fan of Miley and love the fact that her track with Timbaland is really a strong representation of both her style and his. That is the point of a collaboration, and one of my complaints about Timbaland is that most of his collaborations wind up just sounding like another artist doing a song in his style. This one is absolutely not like that. It is fun and upbeat and spunky, while maintaining that Timbaland edge. Another standout track is "If We Ever Meet Again" featuring Katy Perry, who I love. This song, unlike the Miley track, is definitely not in Katy Perry's style. It is Katy Perry in a completely different realm. It doesn't necessarily sound all that much like typical Timbaland, either. It is a sweet little love song and goes through a gorgeous soundscape throughout the song. I absolutely love this track. Other favorites include, "Lose Control" featuring Jojo, "The One I Love" featuring Keri Hilson, "Say Something" featuring Drake and my favorite track from the album, "Timothy (Where Have You Been?)" featuring Jet. Jet is not a band that I am overly familiar with, but this song makes me a little more curious about them. This song, though, is probably the most personal thing I have ever heard out of Timbaland, about his struggles to make a name for himself in hip-hop and get his family out of poverty. It is an extremely melodic, mellow, acoustic-based song with a gorgeous chorus sung by Jet. It is uplifting and inspiring. I am absolutely in love with that song, and I think it is the best thing on the album. Maybe even the best thing Timbaland has ever done.

One other thing that I found fascinating on this album is the return of Brandy, in a really strange reinvention that I never would have expected. There are two tracks on the album, "Meet In Tha Middle" and "Symphony" that were listed as featuring Bran'Nu. I had no clue who that was and assumed it was just some new protege of Timbaland's. When I heard it was a female rapping I became more intrigued. I am a big fan of female rappers, and really feel like there are not enough of them out there. So, hearing this new one made me really curious to find out more about. Turns out, I knew more than I thought. This female rapper named Bran'Nu is none other than Moesha, aka Brandy. That is so weird. Not gonna lie, though, she's actually not half bad as a rapper. I still prefer her as a singer, but I think it would be pretty cool if she released an album combining the two. The name can be dropped, though. Brandy works just fine. Maybe title the album Bran'Nu. That'd be enough with that silly name. Still, I think this could be a great direction for her to take, so long as she doesn't completely abandon singing. It never works when people completely throw away what they became famous for, especially when they are as good at it as Brandy is. Still, I am kind of excited to see where this leads.

It is almost midnight now and I have taken a Tylenol PM, (followed by drinking a Mimosa, which slightly concerns me,) so I really should be off to bed. Back to work in the morning and as I said, I am not exactly looking forward to it. At least I will look adorable in the process. Plus, tomorrow will mark a return to my normal routine. My Mom's boyfriend will be heading back to his house in the morning. It hasn't been that bad, honestly, but like I said it has been an interruption. I am glad he was here because it made my Mom very happy, but I will be just as glad to see him go and allow me to get back to my regularly scheduled program. For now, I am off to sleep.

Chapter 23: Harajuku Girls

I am feeling incredibly unmotivated in writing today's blog. It is not for a lack of something to say, though. Stuff went on today, and I have plenty of thoughts on it. I sat down to begin writing this blog at 1:30am or so, but just felt so tired I couldn't string the words together to even begin. So, what did I do? I watched a movie. I downloaded the movie "Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat" this evening and decided to watch it then, when I was supposedly so exhausted I couldn't write a blog. More on the movie later, though. I don't know what it is, but there has been something in my head trying to prevent me from writing this blog. I'm not sure what it was, but I won't let it defeat me. I have committed myself to writing a new blog every single day for a year, and while I know there will be circumstances in the future that will prevent me from writing the blog, I will not skip a day for the sake of sheer laziness. After all, if I managed to write a blog from my phone when I was away from home and didn't have an available computer to write it on, I can do it tonight directly from home.

So, today was an interesting day. Whitney and I had made plans to go to the Brandon Town Center Mall, but I didn't hear from her around the time that we had planned. After about an hour had passed, I text messaged her and she responded implying she was kind of iffy about those plans. I told her it was fine if we didn't go to Brandon, but we should still hang out because it is my four day weekend, and I wanted to do something fun with the day. I offered the option of going to the movies, which she shot down. I also offered the option of just going to the Sarasota Square Mall, which she also shot down. Eventually, she said "fuck it, let's just go to Brandon." So, we did. Whitney seemed to be in a strange mood today, though. She would be talkative for a while, then would shut down. It was uncharacteristic of her. Any time I tried to ask if anything was wrong or something, she said it was fine. We still had fun, but it was just odd. After rent and bills, my keyboard fund, cigarettes and the money I spent yesterday, I didn't have a whole lot of money left and still have the next two weeks to get through, so I told myself beforehand that I would only spend about $30 on this trip. I know that doesn't sound like much, but I am expert at shopping on a budget. I am very good at walking into a store and getting the maximum amount of stuff on the minimum amount of money. That works well for me in a one-stop shop, like Burlington Coat Factory. In a mall, however, that doesn't work as well.

I have a problem. My name is Jason, and I am a shopaholic. I can walk into any store and find something that I absolutely have to have. I have gotten better about it recently, but it is not entirely under control. For example, at Bath & Body Works, a store where I normally wouldn't shop at all, I found this gorgeous smelling body mist that I really wanted. It was 50% off, too. I managed not to buy that by telling myself, "We'll come back to this store." I also found things that I really wanted in Sephora, FYE and the Apple store, all of which I kept from purchasing by using that same tactic, (except the Apple store, which I kept from purchasing from by not being able to afford ANYTHING there.) I don't know what it is exactly, but I have this urge in me to buy anything that catches my eye. I have, as Gwen Stefani says in the song "Harajuku Girls," a "fatal attraction to cuteness." These words could not be more true for me. Speaking of Gwen Stefani, one of the things that I kept seeing around the mall, (and have seen all over since this time last year,) are the Harajuku Lovers fragrances. I really want those. They come in 5 different scents, one to represent each of her Harajuku girls and herself. Love, Angel, Music, Baby and G. They all come in an adorable bottle that has a lid that is whichever girl that scent represents. It is absolutely adorable and I really want the whole set. Alas, I couldn't afford it.

The things that I did buy came from two of my favorite stores in that mall, Marc Ecko and Metro Park. Metro Park is a store that I LOVE to go into, but even under normal circumstances can't afford anything in. They carry things like Christian Audigier's non-douchy, non-Ed Hardy line, True Religion, Seven Jeans, etc. Higher end stuff than I can generally afford. However, I stopped in today because I noticed the sign outside that read "Take an addition 40% off all clearance items." I figured I could possibly find something I will love and with 40% off an already marked down price, I may be able to afford it. I was right, too, and left the store with a gorgeous new wallet and necklace for $12 and some change. At the Marc Ecko store, I came out with an adorable logo polo and a gray and pink argyle sweatervest that I am completely in love with for $22 and some change. I also spent about $9 in a candy store. This doesn't sound like a lot, I know, but it was more than I should have spent and I just kept wanting to spend more. It took a lot of self control to not spend more than that. I kept finding myself thinking, "Well, I could dip into the keyboard fund." I am not willing to do that, though. Depending on how the next two weeks go I may have to. That just means I'll have to put more into it next paycheck. It'd be better, though, if I can just avoid taking from that at all. I'm gonna try my best. Thing is, though, had I not spent what I did today and yesterday, that wouldn't be so much of a concern. The thing is, though, I have really missed shopping. I used to go buy a whole slew of new clothes every weekend that I got paid. It has kind of been bringing me down a bit getting dressed every morning in the same things that I have worn so many times before, so even though it wasn't a good idea I still feel kind of justified in buying the few things that I did, because it will feel so good to wake up Monday morning and put on something that nobody has seen me in before. Kind of similar to how good it would feel for an alcoholic to take that first drink after being sober for a while. I know, I know... but I will not allow myself any sort of backslide. Fortunately, and unfortunately, backsliding isn't really an option, anyway, because I no longer have the money to shop like I used to. That's really probably a good thing, but it doesn't feel that good sometimes. Ah, responsibility.

On the topic of fashion and how good it feels to try different things, I was talking to Whitney today about how I kind of feel like trying something different with my look, just to give it a little more of an edge. The idea I have is to add makeup. When I worked at the place that shall not be named for security purposes before, back in 2004, I used to wear makeup every day. It was different then, though. I essentially went to work at that time in full drag. Not entirely. I didn't wear women's clothing or anything, but I wore a lot of accessories and full makeup every day. Lip gloss, eyeliner, eye shadow, nail polish and the whole nine. That is, actually, in large part what caused me to leave there before. I have no intention of going back to that, despite the fact that I did enjoy my look at that time. What I want to do, though, is take the style that I have now and simply add a little "guyliner" and nail polish to it. Just a little something to add a bit of edge to it and kind of reflect some of the changes I have gone through internally. Nothing severe, just a little something different than I have been doing. I found this amazing liquid liner at Sephora that I tried on my hand and is still there. The brush on it wasn't overly pointy and thick enough to stay in line, unlike most liquid liners. Next time we head up to Brandon I may have to pick some up. I also spotted some really cool nail polishes and Whitney told me to pick out a couple shades that I like, as she has been looking for ideas for Christmas gifts. So, that is something I plan to give a try. It will have to wait until I get paid again, though, because I absolutely can not do any more frivolous spending until I get paid again.

When I came home, I felt completely worn out. Not working in retail anymore, I have become unused to being on my feet for hours at a time. We were at the mall for nearly five hours and on our feet that entire time. By the time we left, my feet were killing me. My legs are still feeling pretty stiff, actually. This is more evidence that I need to work out more, be it yoga or actually going to the gym. Something I have been thinking about doing for a while now, actually, is walking to work every day. My Mom is currently putting in overtime, and likely will be for the rest of the year, so I have been having the problem of having to figure out a way to work, (most often, in cabs.) As far as cutting costs and geting a little additional exercise I think walking to work would be very effective. So, my plan is to start that on Monday.

I sat down to the computer and was just dicking around when I got an IM to my phone from my dear friend, Alyssa. Alyssa is one of my best friends, but due to my work schedule, social schedule and time zone differences, we hadn't had much chance to talk over the past few months. I signed on to AIM and chatted with her for a good little while, and it was really nice to catch up with her. She is one of those friends that I don't want to lose over time, so it is good to be reminded of all the reasons that I feel that way, and talking to her pretty much always does remind me of that. I also discussed the whole concept of coming back to California with her, and she was into it. She lives in California, too, but in northern California. Still, it'd be a lot closer than Florida is, making visits a little more possible than they are now, which is basically not at all. This is, to me, yet another confirmation that this is the right thing for me right now. It is all a matter of waiting and watching everything fall into place where it is meant to. This is going to happen. I have got to stop thinking, "if this happens," and thinking, "when this happens," because it is what I truly want and I am going to make it happen one way or another. The time for waiting is over, and now it is time to act.

After chatting with Alyssa, and leaving because I needed to write this blog and go to bed, I wound up watching that movie, as mentioned above. It was "Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat," the third film in the "Eating Out" series. These are gay romantic comedies, and they are all pretty brilliant. The first one was a little awkward, mainly because I don't think anybody really knew what they were doing with it at the time. The second one was considerably better but this third one, I think, was the best. They managed to weed out the elements of the first two that didn't work so well, and highlighted the elements that did work and made them the main feature. Namely, the slutty, bitchy BFF character played by Rebekah Kochan, who is hilarious. She was one of the main characters in this film, where she was simply comic relief in the first two, and spent the entire movie snapping off hilarious one-liners. Considering she was one of the only returning cast members in this film, they did an amazing job with it. Most sequels where they don't include any of the original cast come across not very good at all, but this one was even better than the first two. All of the "Eating Out" movies center around a gay guy who doesn't feel like he is good enough for the super hot guy to date and making up some sort of silly lie that somehow escalates into big drama, and always involves a hot straight friend who is a little more willing to get involved than any real life straight guy would be. This followed that same formula, but some of the elements that caused plot holes in the first two were corrected in this one. Overall, I really enjoyed this movie a lot and found myself laughing out loud numerous times. Also, the boys in this one were considerably hotter than any of the boys in the previous two.

I've noticed lately that I have been checking out guys a lot more lately than I usually do. Don't get me wrong, I check out guys constantly wherever I am but it seems excessive lately, even for me. I am in one of those periods where, in spite of myself and my sense that I am above this sort of thing, I feel lonely. Not really lonely, per se, because there are plenty of wonderful people in my life, but where I feel the need for some sort of companionship. In the mall today I found myself checking out every guy I came across, and we are talking about a mall on the weekend after Black Friday. There were a LOT of guys around; a lot of hot guys. I really don't feel like I want to actually date anybody right now, especially considering it would have a time restriction on it. Plus, if I were to get involved with somebody that I really liked it is possible that they would distract me from my goal of getting back to California. This is why I have chosen not to date for the past year and a half or so. Boys are BIG distractions to me, and can easily deter me from doing what I need and want for myself. I will not allow that to happen to me right now. It would be nice, though, to have a no strings attached, friend with benefits. Even that, for me, is risky. I get emotionally involved easily and, again, am not willing to risk anything deterring me from doing what has revealed itself to me as the path I need to follow.

Now it is 4:43am, and if I was exhausted at 1:30am I don't even know the word to explain what I am now. I need to get to bed and won't get much sleep tonight. I need to be up at a decent hour tomorrow in preparation for getting back to work, and walking there, on Monday morning... in an adorable new outfit!

Chapter 22: Leftovers

Friday night has come and I am back at home, writing tonight's entry from my computer. The whole email thing worked fine for last night's entry, but is definitely not something I would want to make a habit of. The post is also in a different font than the rest of the blog, which is strange and something I am still working on figuring out how to change. (Correction, something that I have just figured out and have gone ahead and changed.) I must say, one of my favorite things about blogspot is the fact that they make customizing and editing and correcting errors such a simple process. I appreciate that about this site. Just a little leftover gratitude from yesterday, which is cool. There's a lot more where that came from, actually.

Today was a pretty good day. It was very relaxed. I woke up on the futon in my sister's living room around 10:30am to find that my sister and her girlfriend were gone. They had an issue that had arisen yesterday that needed attending to first thing this morning, so I kind of expected that. I basically just laid there for a while catching up on my Twitter and such from my cell phone, most of which I hadn't really checked the day before. There wasn't really too much to catch up on. I think most folks decided to step away from the social media and focus on what was actually going on around them yesterday. I know I did, and based on the fact that Twitter and Facebook were basically just full of random "Happy Thanksgiving" messages, I think most people I know did the same. It was a good idea for me, too, because I really got to take the time to enjoy the company of my family and friends. It was a really good day.

Today, after getting up and laying around checking Twitter and such, I got up and got dressed. Once I was dressed and ready for the day, I found that my sister and her girlfriend were home and we all decided to get ready to go out and check out some Black Friday shopping. When I say we checked out Black Friday sales, I mean we went to places like Big Lots and Wal-Mart. None of us had the money to do any REAL shopping, but managed to find some good deals. I picked up some three dollar DVDs at Big Lots, including "The Darjeeling Limited," which was exciting because I love Wes Anderson and have yet to see this film. One of the main reasons I love Wes Anderson is because he loves to cast one of my absolute favorite actors and one of the men of my dreams, Jason Schwartzmann. I am in love with that guy. Every movie he does is brilliant, and even more brilliant is his musical project, Coconut Records. I absolutely love his debut record, "Nighttiming," and have yet to listen to the follow-up, despite having heard bits and pieces of it that sound amazing. I also picked up one of my all-time favorite movies, "Josie & The Pussycats." I really believe that this is one of the most under-rated films of recent times. It is a very interesting, offbeat commentary on the record industry told in a bright, upbeat, funny way. Parker Posey is absolutely brilliant in it, too, and this was also my first glimpse of Missi Pyle, who has become one of my absolute favorite funny ladies.

Then it was off to Wal-Mart, which is one of my least favorite places in the world, but is a necessary evil in this day and age. At Wal-Mart I bought something that I had never bought for myself before; pajamas! They had these special sets on sale that included a top, pajama pants, slippers and a beanie all in a special little mesh bag, in case you are traveling and need to bring pajamas with you. The best part? They are Pac-Man pajamas! They have Pac-Man and the little ghost guys all over the pants and a retro Pac-Man logo on the shirt. They are adorable and so comfortable! I also picked up a book for my Mother while I was there, by the pastor Joel Osteen, who she loves. It really seemed like the Black Friday deals at Wal-Mart were wholly unimpressive in comparison to previous years. Once again seeing the effects of the economy in this country right now. It sucks.

After leaving Wal-Mart, we decided to go back to their house and watched the movie "Four Christmases," which I was actually pleasantly surprised by. It had 2 marks against it right off the bat: it is a Christmas movie, and it stars Vince Vaughn. These are two things that I am generally not into at all. Christmas movies I am a little more lenient with, depending on who is in them. For example, my favorite Christmas movie is "A Diva's Christmas Carol," starring Vanessa Williams. Put her in pretty much anything and I am gonna enjoy it, (yes, I even liked that movie "Eraser" with Arnold Schwarzenegger.) I also really enjoyed both of the Dolly Parton Christmas movies, particularly "Unlikely Angel." In general, though, it is not a genre that I enjoy at all. Vince Vaughn movies, typically, are just not something I enjoy. I find him incredibly irritating, (right down to a real-life meeting with him, completely shit-faced, in an IHOP in West Hollywood after a night of clubbing.) His presence in a movie is generally enough to leave me feeling irritated with a movie right off the bat. This movie, however, had a saving grace in the form of Reese Witherspoon. I have really liked most everything she has done, (especially "Legally Blonde," in which she portrayed one of my biggest inspirations in life, Elle Woods,) and this movie was no exception. I especially enjoyed the fact that it was a story set at Christmas, but it wasn't a story ABOUT Christmas. It was the story of a couple figuring out that they don't know each other as well as they thought and reassessing their relationship and future together. It was really good. After that, we ate some leftovers from yesterday and played Guitar Hero and Sing Star, both of which are games that I have become obsessed with over the past two days. Guitar Hero is extremely fun, even though I am really bad at it. Over the past two days, though, I have managed to improve quite a bit. I only wish there were a broader scope of music you could play on the game. It was a lot of 70s and 80s rock music, which I am familiar with but it isn't really my style at all. The songs I did best on were the more modern ones that I am very familiar with, especially "When You Were Young" by The Killers. I know the notes and the rhythm of that song, so it was considerably easier to play. This is just further proof that I am right in my decision to go for a keyboard instead of guitar. If I can't even handle the Guitar Hero button pushing form of playing guitar, how do I expect myself to ever catch on to the real thing? I was much better at Sing Star, which was really to be expected. I may not be able to figure out the guitar, but I need no major help when it comes to singing. That is one of my strongest suits.

After an evening of games and such, I returned to my own house and ate more leftovers. I felt bad yesterday that I didn't stick around to eat dinner with my Mom, but she was so caught up with her boyfriend that I don't think it made any real difference and it probably worked out better for her to not have me here. This is yet another reason why I feel like the whole concept of moving to California is a good thing; it will give her a chance to build a life with her boyfriend without feeling guilty about what I am doing. That is a big issue that she has, I think, because there was a situation in the past where she did basically choose her husband at the time over me. It was one of the most difficult experiences I have had in my life, but I have gotten over it. I think she still feels guilty for that, though. This situation is completely different, though. This is not her choosing her boyfriend over me, this is us both recognizing that our lives are heading in different directions and following our own individual paths. There is nothing to feel bad about in this situation; this is a situation to be celebrated!

I also spent this evening watching the second half of "The Twilight Saga: New Moon." After seeing the entire movie, the thing I found most interesting about it was the fact that I feel the opposite at the end of this movie as I did at the end of the book. When reading the book series and seeing all the fan hype about Team Edward vs. Team Jacob, I found it ridiculous. Throughout the entire book series, it seems so clear that Edward should be the choice. He is a clear winner in the books, and Jacob is a ridiculous, boring, small-minded child. In the movie, though, I wound up feeling the exact opposite. Edward, in the films, comes across like a piece of shit who is not worth the time or the trouble. Jacob, on the other hand, seems like a genuine, sweet, caring guy who is everything a girl could possibly want. Watching her kind of choose Edward in the film is almost painful and I found myself wanting to shout at the screen, "You stupid bitch, stick with the werewolf boy!" I think the main reason for this is because the director of the first film, Catherine Hardwicke, did a terrible job of portraying the budding romance of Edward and Bella, while the director of this film did an amazing job of building up the relationship between Jacob and Bella. In the films it really seems like the opposite is true of the books: Jacob seems like the clear winner and I can't imagine why anyone would be Team Edward. Interesting. As I mentioned in yesterday's entry, as well, Taylor Lautner, (who plays Jacob,) is leaps and bounds more attractive than Robert Pattinson, (who plays Edward.) I couldn't help but notice, in one of the ending scenes where Edward takes off his shirt, that he has an oddly shaped body. He has the same oddly shaped body that Daniel Radcliffe has, but Daniel Radcliffe pulls it off much better. I think because he is shorter and stockier, and considerably more built. On him it looks nice, despite it's odd shape. On Robert Pattinson it just looks odd. I suppose the movie isn't about his body, though - it is about Taylor Lautner's body, which is in perfect form. For a 17 year old boy, that body is incredibly impressive and incredibly attractive, (in a jailbait way, of course.) Overall, though, I actually really loved the movie. It was immensely more entertaining and well put together than "Twilight" was. I also have to mention that I really feel like Kristen Stewart has gotten a really unfair rep amongst "Twilight" fans. She is actually a very talented, and I think she did a brilliant job in this film. In the first, she didn't do so well but also didn't have a whole lot to work with. I get that she is really whiny and always bitching and moaning about fame, but underneath all of that she is a very talented actress and I think it is a shame that people refuse to recognize that.

I also spent a little time this evening listening to the freshly leaked album, "Just Like You" by Allison Iraheta, from this past season of "American Idol." Adam Lambert was, of course, my favorite contestant and my pick to win right from the start, but Allison was my second choice. I really expected the show to come down to those two, but sadly Allison fell victim to the fourth place Idol curse. Every season there is somebody who clearly should be top two who gets kicked out in the fourth spot, (best examples being Tamyra Gray, Latoya London and Chris Daughtry, who all deserved at least second place.) I heard the first single from Allison's album, "Friday I'll Be Over U," about a month ago and was pretty underwhelmed by it. I am still underwhelmed by it, actually, and think it is probably the weakest track on the album. With this album, that is really saying something, too. Sadly, I am pretty disappointed with the whole thing. I think every track on the album falls into two categories: An impersonation of Pink or Classic Rock gone wrong. Don't get me wrong, the album has a few really brilliant tracks but for the most part it is all a little too much. The best track on the album is probably a song called "Pieces," which falls into the Pink category. It is very catchy and has a strong emotional core, which I can relate to a lot. It is essentially a song about holding it together at the end of a relationship and learning to do it on your own again. It is a great song. Another favorite, despite the cheesiest title possible, is "D Is For Dangerous." It also falls into the Pink category. It has a cool concept and is probably the poppiest track on the album. It is a simple song about making wrong decisions, but with clever-ish lyrics like, "J is for jumping off the cliff," and "G is for get out of here." It is a fun, catchy song. Pretty much all the best songs on the record are the ones that sound like Pink, except for one song called, "The Trouble Is..." which is reminiscent of a great old Janis Joplin style song. It is pretty while remaining rough around the edges. This is the best of the Classic Rock sounding songs. Overall, though, it really feels like the album is trying a little too hard to be edgy and never actually hits the mark. Even the songs mentioned above, which are my favorites, are nowhere near being edgy in any way. Sadly, I don't foresee good things for this album for two reasons: first, it's not that great and second, it is not being promoted AT ALL. She has basically been given the kiss of death before even getting her feet off the ground. I feel bad for her, really, because she showed on Idol that she had the potential to do something great. This is always the problem with the "rock" types on American Idol. They never come off the show doing anything very interesting. Adam Lambert escaped that fate by never really being pigeon-holed as a rocker, or anything else, because he was so versatile. As soon as you thought, "Oh, he's a rock guy," he'd turn around and perform a soft, beautiful ballad or something more pop. What makes his album work so well is that it encompasses everything he represented on Idol, but takes it all a step further and actually is edgy and unique. Allison, sadly, didn't quite hit the mark.

I am completely exhausted at this point. Between tryptophan and the fact that I didn't sleep the best last night, I am absolutely ready to pass out. All day long it has felt like it should be a Sunday, so I am very grateful that it is not and that I still have two days of weekend left. See, there is more of that leftover gratitude from yesterday. I hope to keep a little bit of that leftover gratitude for every single day, unlike the Thanksgiving food leftovers which are dwindling more and more already. Tomorrow? Mall day with Whitney. Maybe a movie. My brother is supposed to be coming to town, as well, but he's got shit to do tomorrow night. I probably won't wind up seeing him until Sunday. That will be a nice way to cap off the weekend. Now, though, it is time for bed.

Chapter 21: Thank U

As you may or may not have noticed by now, all of my blog titles are song titles. More often than not, it is the title of a song from the album or playlist I am listening to while writing the blog and is always pertinent to the subject matter of the entry. The same is true of today's title, referring to the song "Thank U" by Alanis Morissette. Being that today was Thanksgiving, it may be a little on the nose but it is also very much how I feel right now. The song, to me, is essentially about feeling gratitude for everything you've been through in your life, good or bad, for leading you to where you are & to become the person you are. That is a beautiful thing, as well as a very necessary one.

This has been a great day and I am grateful for it. The day began with me waking up at 11:30am and dicking around on the internet for a while. My Mom and her boyfriend were putting together Thanksgiving dinner all this time, as well as drinking in the middle of the day and playing Scrabble. You know, the typical American holiday?

I also managed to watch the first hour of "The Twilight Saga: New Moon," before my sister, her girlfriend and her girlfriend's daughter and her boyfriend showed up. I have to say, at least to the point that I got to, I was impressed. It was much better than I'd anticipated. I think there was one major reason for this: Taylor Lautner. The kid is just charming on-screen. Much the opposite of the books, in the movies Jacob Black is infinitely more interesting and entertaing, (not to mention, attractive,) than Edward Cullen. One thing, more than anything else, I was curious to see interpreted on-screen was the pages of the book that simply read October, November, December, so on. I thought the way that period was handled in the film was beautiful and an absolutely perfect visual expression of the concept of time passing the character by. I'm actually really excited to finish the movie and may end up seeing it in a theater after all.

Once my sister and her family arrived, we all spent a little while hanging out before they needed to get back home to check on their Thanksgiving dinner. It was already planned for me to come with them, but they actually wound up inviting me to spend the night. It made the most sense, considering we were already planning on getting together Friday morning. Why not skip the step where they have to come pick me up? Plus, how fun is a Thanksgiving Slumber Party?!

We spent most of the day watching a marathon of "Rupaul's Drag Race" and the evening playing Guitar Hero. I am sure I haven't mentioned this before for lack of a reason to, but I am really bad at video games. Guitar Hero is no different. I think I lack the coordination to watch what is happening on screen and determine which button to press for the desired response. Essentially, video games move too fast for me. This concerns me about playing an instrument and singing at the same time, but I'm sure I'll be much more willing to make the effort to master that one than I am with a video game. Also, by the way, the guy I was talking about in yesterday's entry never showed up and so I am now totally over him.

Now I am here at my sister's house, on a futon and ready to pass out. I am writing this blog as an email from my phone in order to keep my commitment to posting a blog every day for an entire year. It is really not convenient at all to write a blog like this on the touchscreen keyboard on my phone, but I really felt like it wouldn't be a good thing to skip a day at only three weeks in. I am aware that it's possible, and likely, that I will wind up missing a day or two over the course of the year, but to let it happen so early on seems like it'd be a big mistake. However, due to the issue of having "texting thumb," (similar to video game thumb, only due to excessive phone typing,) I am going to end this a bit shorter than I normally would. Before I do that, though, I wanted to take a moment to discuss what I am most grateful for this Thanksgiving. I have a whole world of things to be grateful for, and I am extremely grateful for them all, but after the day I've had today I have to say I am most grateful for the people in my life who I can trust completely. In the world I live in, where everyone eventually reveals some sort of ulterior motives or shady behaviors, I would be remiss not to recognize and Thank god for the people that I don't have to question or expect the worst from. That is what I am most thankful for today.

Hopefully this post via email thing actually works. For now, I am exhausted and gassy and need to get to sleep. Happy Thanksgiving!

Chapter 20: Outside Of You

This week is over, as far as work goes, and I don't have to go back until Monday! I could not be happier about this four day weekend. I have been anxiously waiting and now it is here. I still don't really have much in the way of completely solid plans, but I will be happy even if I wind up spending the whole time at home. Well, that would have been the case, but my Mom and her boyfriend are here and I generally spend that time trying to get out of the house and away from them. It's not that I dislike my Mom's boyfriend or anything, and him visiting makes my Mom happy, so I can't bitch too much. I am happy for her to have this time, but I can't help but also feel like it is all one big interruption to my day to day life. I can't sit in the living room and watch "The View" episodes from the morning because he is in there watching some sort of sports or something that is the polar opposite of what I would want to watch. Plus, he is a person that I don't have anything in common with or any way to relate to so it just feels awkward to sit there and have absolutely nothing to say to him. So, I avoid it. Like I said, it's not that I dislike him, it's just that he serves as one big interruption to my normal routine and it irritates me. Plus, my Mom has this thing when she is in a relationship where she caters to them, and kind of immerses herself in what they enjoy and what they want to do. I assume this is just because she's from a different generation and was brought up watching her mother, who is a wonderful woman but also very subservient. I find this infuriating and hate to sit by and watch it. The whole experience is just weird for me. Plus, I know when I am dating somebody I don't like having other people around. I normally make it a point not to introduce the guy I am dating to any of my family or friends, or let them meet but never have any long-term interaction. I just feel like my relationships are personal and I don't want other people's opinions to influence the way I feel. So, I kind of make it a point to try to grant my Mom the same courtesy of keeping her relationship for herself. Tonight, though, I did go out there and force them to watch "Glee." It is the show that my Mom and I watch together every week, and if she wants to set aside HER things for him that is her business, but I won't let her set aside OUR things. Plus, missing "The View" or "Oprah" is one thing, but I am not missing "Glee!"

Today was a very long day. When I got to work my friend/co-worker had a white chocolate mocha waiting for me, which was super sweet of her and was delicious! It was a very slow day, though, and when I went on my first break at 11:30am, two hours into my shift, it felt like I had already been there for at least four. The whole day was like that. I spent most of the day talking shit, (or speaking ass, as my friend Rachel would put it,) with my co-workers and discussing Thanksgiving plans, etc. Mainly, though, it was a day of watching the clock tick by ever so slowly. There was this one thing that happened that was a little interesting, though. In my first blog post here, I mentioned a guy who I am kind of friends with who I don't think likes me very much. Because I don't feel like he likes me very much, it makes me like him more. Well, this little neuroses of mine has kind of developed into a full-fledged high school crush. You know, the kind that doesn't really amount to anything, but you find that person slipping into your mind at funny times and start having little images of them in your head. The dorky, high school type of, "Oh, he's so cute!" feeling? That is what I have. Well, we rarely ever interact in the workplace, (and not really too much outside of the workplace, either,) but every now and then we'll have a bit of a conversation in passing and such. It seems like lately he has been making more of an effort to come talk to me when we both wind up on break and things like that. I'm not sure the reasoning behind that, but I'm not complaining. Today he came up while I was talking to somebody else and joined the conversation, and we kind of veered off into our own separate conversation. It wasn't about anything of any importance, really, (Adam Lambert, who is always important but not in a real-life sort of way.) I don't know why, but this stuck out in my mind for one reason or another and I felt the need to share it. I also found out that there is a possibility I may be hanging out with him tomorrow, which is a whole other story.

So, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. For the first time in God only knows how long, my Mom and I are having Thanksgiving dinner at our house. She wanted to invite her boyfriend, which is why he is here currently. He has kind of taken over Thanksgiving, which is perfectly fine. He intends to have football on all day and will be cooking the dinner. He's a good cook. It's all good. I have basically planned to sit in my bedroom and watch "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" on the computer tomorrow morning. I downloaded it a couple days ago and haven't made time to watch it yet, so I figured Thanksgiving morning I'd have plenty of free time. I'm not overly excited about seeing this movie, really, which is why I have opted to download it instead of going out to see it. If it winds up good I may wind up seeing it in a theater, as well, but we'll see how that goes. In the afternoon, the plan is for my sister, her girlfriend and their family are coming over to have dinner with us. Then they are going back home to do their own Thanksgiving dinner. It basically consists of Turkey, stuffing, all the regular Thanksgiving accoutrements and Guitar Hero. Plus, the boy who doesn't seem to like me much will likely be in attendance. Of course, this all sounds like a lot more fun than my home Thanksgiving plans, so when I got an invite I was like, "YES!" So, Thanksgiving should be a pretty good time. If nothing else, I am looking forward to eating stuffing.

Aside from that, I have plans for Black Friday shopping with my sister and her girlfriend, which should be fun. I can't really afford to do any real shopping, but I am kind of excited to see what Black Friday is like from a shopper's perspective. I have never been on that side of it. I have worked in retail on Black Friday a few times and that sucked, so I am interested to see the other side of it. I have these images in my head of women in their 30s coming to actual physical blows over Tickle Me Elmo dolls or cheap laptops. It all seems silly to me. I doubt I'll spot any of that, but it should still be interesting. I'm kind of excited about that. Then Saturday, I have made plans to go to the Brandon Town Center Mall with Whitney and I think I have talked her into going to see Inglorious Basterds with me beforehand, which should be awesome, (if for no other reason than Eli Roth!) I am looking forward to the Brandon Mall, too, and am keeping my fingers crossed for a really good clearance sale at the Marc Ecko store. I am desperate for something new and cute to wear. Seriously, I haven't bought any new clothes in nearly two months. I know that doesn't sound that bad, but in comparison to my old habit of spending at least $100 from every paycheck at Burlington Coat Factory, it is QUITE an adjustment. I was talking to a friend of mine on Facebook about how I feel it is very important to keep a certain amount of fun and glamour in your day-to-day life. Having cute, new designer clothes to wear so frequently was one of the ways that I would add both fun and glamour to my life. I miss that, and I am really hoping to be able to find some great things that I will be able to afford. Plus, I LOVE the Marc Ecko store! Marc Ecko's stuff from the Cut & Sew collection is always really unique and adorable. I love everything right down to the collection logo, which is a classic image of a pair of scissors and needles.

Speaking of Whitney, a little later this evening she and I had about a two hour conversation on the phone and really kind of came to the realization that we are on the same page with an issue that had been plaguing us both for different reasons recently. I love and hate when that happens, at least in situations like this. It's kind of a good feeling because you know you have someone on your side and understanding your views, but at the same time it sucks because it just means another person is feeling the same shitty way that you were feeling. I am glad for Whitney, though, because I think she is taking big steps towards becoming who she is really meant to be. We have long conversations like that fairly often and it is nice to have somebody who is willing to actually listen, as well as share, for that long. I am beginning to see, the more I look at life, that friends like that are kind of hard to come by and should be cherished and appreciated. In a world where, even amongst a group of friends, I always feel like an outsider it is always great to find like-minded people. I miss having that, and it is good to realize it is not as far as it may have seemed.

I discovered something this evening, too. Apparently, without my ever realizing it, Hilary Duff released a live album. This seems a little strange to me because, much as I love her, she is not exactly known for her amazing vocal talent, live or otherwise. This is a girl who, after all, lip-synced her first tour despite having no real choreography or anything to prevent her from singing. Having watched her career as it has progressed from Disney star to legitimacy, I am inclined to believe that lip-syncing that tour wasn't really a decision made by her. This album, "Hilary Duff: Live At Gibson Amphitheatre," is actually really decent. Again, vocally it isn't Celine Dion's "A New Day Live" or anything, but it's just as good as a live vocal by Madonna. What I really like about the record, though, are some of the remixes she did on older songs, particularly the funky, "tropical" remix of "So Yesterday." Also, I have to give a shout out to what is probably my favorite song of Hilary Duff's, "Beat Of My Heart." It is a catchy pop song, but I think marked a major progression for Hilary Duff as an artist. It took her to more of a dance realm, which she wound up delving into MUCH more on her album, "Dignity." Another favorite of mine is the song, "With Love," the first single from "Dignity" and a song that I created my own re-worked acapella arrangement of. I love the lyrical content of the song and decided to re-work it for myself to kind of showcase the lyrics a little more because the poppy/dancy sound it has doesn't necessarily add any emphasis to the actual content of the song, which is about recognizing those "out of control" behaviors you have and saying, "Please call me out on these things, but be kind about it." I love that idea. Also, the live versions of the ballads, "Someone's Watching Over Me" and "Fly" both have an added emotional depth in live form that I absolutely love. Overall, this live album is pretty decent. I probably wouldn't listen to these versions of the songs any more frequently than the studio versions, but it's a fun thing to add to the collection.

For now, though, it is 2:30am on Thanksgiving and what I am about to be grateful for is a good night's sleep. "New Moon" in the morning, then a day full of Turkey, green bean casserole, cranberry sauce and gravy and, my personal favorite, stuffing! Oh, also, gratitude. I think people tend to forget a bit about that part. Honestly, aside from on Thanksgiving, I think gratitude is something that people tend to forget about in life in general. "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne teaches that gratitude is one of the greatest tools we have at our disposal. If we spent more time thinking thoughts of being grateful for the things we have, the frequency of gratitude would be put out into the universe and attract more things for which to be grateful. That sentence didn't make the most sense in the world, but essentially what I am saying is that the more we are grateful for good things in our lives, the more good things will come into our lives.

Yeah, I am exhausted.

Chapter 19: Big Distraction

Today was a bit of a boring day, really. I woke up at 7:45am, dicked around on the internet for a while then got ready for work. I had to take a cab to work because my Mom is doing overtime and going in before me. My cab driver was overly chatty, but I had to tip him because he didn't have change. It wasn't much of a tip, but given the option I probably wouldn't have tipped at all because he was very annoying. One thing that was annoying about this cab driver, in particular, was the fact that he arrived 15 minutes early and sat outside honking.

When I arrived at work I had to wait around for about 20 minutes before it was time for my shift to start. I stood in front of the building smoking, which is my normal routine when I take a cab. There is this guy who works on another account there at the place that shall not be named for security purposes that I have a bit of a thing for. I'm not sure what it is exactly about him, but there is just something that I like. He isn't exceptionally good looking. He is a little chubby, (I should talk.) He has bad skin and his hair looks kinda greasy all the time. I'm pretty sure he's a big burnout. For some reason, though, I find him really attractive. I have no idea what his name is or how old he is. I really don't know much of anything about him. Anyway, I find myself watching him any time we are on break at the same time or in the same general area. I have been told in the past that I have a bit of a staring problem, which I have never really noticed myself doing. I wouldn't find it surprising if it is true, though. Since having this pointed out to me in the past I get a little paranoid that I'm doing it sometimes. Yesterday the greasy stoner in question wound up in the bathroom at the same time as me. Normally I make it a point to use the handicap stall which has it's own separate sink and mirror, so I can get everything I need to done in the stall, then just walk out of the bathroom. Yesterday, though, the handicap stall was being used. So, I went to the shared sink area and was washing my hands and such when greasy stoner walks up and starts using the sink next to me. I don't say much of anything and am really trying not to pay too much attention to him because, really, the bathroom is the last place you want that type of attention. I finished washing my hands before him and was pulling paper towels from the dispenser when he reached over and grabbed one at the same time. Our hands touched and he was like, "Sorry, didn't mean to get in your way." I said, "That's okay," in my super-gay tone and he smiled and kinda softly laughed. It was cute and I was kind of watching him at that point. He looked up and made eye contact and I panicked, so I quickly finished up and left the bathroom without saying anything else. The reason I bring this up is because this morning while I was standing outside smoking he pulled up with a girl in his car, (which initially had me thinking, "Oh God, he's straight!" until I recognized the girl and happen to know she is dating somebody else,) and I was just watching as he passed and suddenly noticed him kind of motioning in my direction. I don't know how to explain that exactly, but essentially I got the impression that he was saying something about me to the girl in the car. I'm not sure what to make of that, but I am going to do my best not to read too much into that.

This is what I consider one of the major disadvantages, for me, of being gay. You have to use the same public bathroom as the people you are dating or trying to date or obsessively stalking, (although, in that last case, it may work to your advantage.) I remember once when I was dating my last boyfriend, the only one I have ever actually done the whole "courtship" deal with, we hadn't been together long and we went to see a movie together. After the movie, we both had to pee and it was one of the most awkward experiences ever. I just feel that when I am romantically involved with someone I don't want them to have any thoughts of me in the bathroom. I also don't want to have any thoughts of them in the bathroom. I mean, I have had sex in a few public bathrooms but that was always what we went in there specifically to do, and if they had to pee afterward or anything, I would leave the bathroom and let them handle that. It just isn't the type of thing I want to think about with a person I'm seeing, and definitely not something I want them to think of about me. It's just gross. So, to answer your question: That's a NO on "golden showers" and the like.

I had a bit of a mini freak out at work today. We found out today that we were going to be open this Saturday, which was initially planned to be closed. My friend/co-worker/cubicle neighbor is one of the people who normally works on Saturdays and was asked to work this Saturday. She was upset about it, understandably, and was trying to find a way to get out of it. I told my other cubicle neighbor that I would have offered to work it for her, but it is my four day weekend and I had already made plans for Saturday. She eventually offered to work Saturday for my other co-worker, but we had kind of joked that, "Oh, watch, they're gonna ask me to work anyway!" Then, all of two minutes later my sister and her girlfriend did ask me to work Saturday. I said that I really didn't want to, but I would if it was absolutely necessary and they pretty much took that as a yes. I slipped into reactive mode for a while, being all grumpy and irritated about having to work in the middle of what would have been my four day weekend. I didn't want to cancel my plans, (a trip to Brandon with Whitney, plus my brother is coming to town that day,) and I got pretty pissy about it for a little while. Fortunately, it turned out that they didn't actually need me there, so I was let off the hook. Thank God, too, because I have been looking forward to this four day weekend ever since it was approved. I feel bad, in retrospect, for getting so upset about it, though. I just have to work harder on controlling those reactive impulses.

On Sunday I had talked to one of my best friends, Rachel, who had started a job where she works evenings a while back. I work days, so our schedules majorly conflict. For this reason, it had been quite a while since we had gotten together. So, when I talked to her on Sunday, I invited her over tonight to hang out. It also happened that my Mom's boyfriend was coming into town tonight to spend the holiday with her, as well. So, I cooked up some delicious pork chops and my Mom's boyfriend brought some fried rice, and it made a lovely half-homemade meal! We all sat down and watched the pilot episode of "V," which is one of my new favorite shows, and the finale of Dancing With The Stars, which I really don't have much interest in. It was fun, though. It was a nice, relaxed evening. It was nice to see Rachel again, too, and hopefully it won't be as long before I see her again. I also told her about my possible plan to move back to California, and she was the first person not to have that, "Awww, don't leave!" reaction. That was nice, as well. One person I have yet to tell, who I keep thinking I need to tell, is my best friend, Don. I think I am hesitant to tell him because I don't want to start getting his hopes up, and even more, don't want to start getting my hopes any higher than they already are. I know that telling Don about this would get me even more excited about it because we would start talking about how we need to live in the same state again and all the great things that would come of it. I just feel like I need to calm myself down about it now before it becomes this huge thing that becomes too big to fulfill. I do that every now and then, even though I know that nothing is too big to fulfill. I think I just get myself so hyped on an idea that eventually I burn myself out on it and lose interest. This is not something that I want to see that fate. I really want this to happen and if that means calming myself down about it then that is exactly what I will do.

It's interesting, though, because last time I visited California for a week I found myself really wanting to come back and kind of thinking of this as my home. Right now, it couldn't feel less like my home. California is my home. It is where I was born and I really feel like it is where I belong. It is where I will find the opportunities I seek and where I will be able to accomplish my dreams. I just have to make sure that I can make this happen. Right now, though, I simply need to focus on my immediate goals and let everything fall into place as it is meant to between now and when the lease is up on this apartment. Like I said, I really need to calm myself down on this whole thing and focus on what is directly in front of me, because that is what will lead me to where I need to be further down the road. If you are too focused on what's a mile down the road, you'll miss out on what is directly in front of you. Plus, there's a lot more chance that you'll stumble. This is like what I was saying in another blog about yoga and it's focus on being "in the present moment." That is what I need to remember; always stay in the present moment. I have to admit, though, this whole concept is a big distraction to the present moment. The future will come to me... but like Alanis Morissette says, "The only way out is through." I need to experience exactly what I am experiencing here in the present moment in order to get to, and really be prepared for, the future. I know this intrinsically, but I still find it difficult. Kabbalah does teach, though, that you can connect to the light by not doing what comes easiest or most naturally, but by facing the challenging things and accomplishing them. So, that is what I am going to do - make the difficult decision to stay focused on the present moment and let the future come when it is time for it.

I am thinking, though, that perhaps I have been silly in thinking that I can put of beginning stages of learning to drive until the end of the year and still be able to get a license by the time the lease is up here. I think what I really need to do is start studying up and get the written test over before the end of the year so I can fully focus on the actual driving part once the new year begins. I don't know why exactly I felt that saving money to buy a keyboard had to be the only goal I worked on until the end of the year. That was, again, just silly. So, I am going to dig up my Florida Drivers Handbook and begin studying the crap out of it immediately. Perhaps I will spend some of my four day weekend on that, (although we'll see how well that works out.) Plans for the four day weekend? The only solid one is going shopping with Whitney in Brandon on Saturday, which will be fun despite the fact that I can't really SHOP like I used to. That is the one thing I really miss about my Mom having her old job. Since she made so much more, she paid more of the rent and bills and I had a great deal more money to shop with - and boy, did I ever shop! Instead I am doing something much better, but not nearly as much fun: being responsible.

Tomorrow? It's my Friday! After that, no work for four whole days! I cannot wait!

Chapter 18: Revelry

California. California has taken over my life. Ever since the idea came to me on Saturday it seems to be all I can think or talk about. For something that is currently only a possibility, I am already hanging a lot of hope on it and that is never a good thing. I have had experiences like this in the past where something comes to me and it seems so clear that this is what I should be doing, but then it doesn't pan out. I don't think this is one of those times, though. At least, I am really hoping and praying that this is not one of those times. I just can't imagine why the universe would show this to me so clearly if it isn't meant to be. It would be just another of those situation life hands us that seems completely random and will always be a mystery to us. The problem is, I do not believe in the word "random." There is no such thing as "random," as far as I am concerned. Everything happens for a reason. There is something to be taken from every single thing that happens in our lives, no matter how "random" it may seem. This situation, if I don't give up on it or allow myself to be dissuaded from it, will be a perfect example of that. If I do give up on it or get dissuaded from it, then it will simply serve to prove that this ideal I have about life to be wrong. I don't like being wrong. It doesn't happen often, and I don't intend to let it happen now.

I talked to my sister and her girlfriend a little more about it this evening and they both seem very skeptical about it all. My Mom says it is because my sister cares about me a lot more than she lets on, which I know is true, and doesn't want me to leave. I'm sure she is right about that, but I can't let that dissuade me from doing what I really believe I need to do right now. I've only discussed the topic with a few people, aside from my Mom, and they all have that, "Awww, no!" reaction. I just feel like I need this right now. I think this is the best possible situation for me right now. Despite her skepticism, my sister did offer a few different helpful hints. First of all, as I mentioned yesterday, my immediate goal is to buy a keyboard. The goal to focus on after that is learning to drive. I figured I could study up and do the written test here, get a permit and learn to drive here then get my license once I get there. I figured that would make the most sense because what would be the point of going through the whole process here and then going out there and having to repeat it. Well, my sister told me that I wouldn't have to repeat the whole process once I got there. Apparently, you can transfer your license to another state. I know that may seem like a common-knowledge sorta thing, but I had absolutely no idea. So, maybe I will actually focus on trying to learn to drive and getting a license here before I leave. That would make more sense. The only concern is whether or not I would actually have the time to learn to drive in the time before then. I suppose we'll have to wait and see, but I think the only thing that can hold me back is myself and I refuse to let that happen. She also told me that it'd probably be the best idea to start looking for jobs out there early, so that if I can't find something before getting there, I can at least have an idea of where to look. Luckily, I have pretty extensive experience in both telephone and retail customer service. There is a company that I worked two years for here in Sarasota that I was just looking up on the internet because I happened to remember that they had a couple locations in the Los Angeles area. That could be something to look into once I get there, as well as checking out Borders and other bookstores. My mind is just pregnant with possibilities right now!

Of course, my sister also felt it was necessary to remind me that after a certain age, there is only so long that you can stay with family or friends before you're basically just a bum. This is true, and I am well aware of it. That is not something that I want to do. I want to get out there, get on my feet and get to a point where I am self-sufficient. Maybe find roommates and be BFFs like the girls from The Hills! That was a joke. I have no delusions of my life ever resembling The Hills. My life is meant for something much bigger and more interesting than that. I just see it all so clearly right now that it is driving me insane waiting for things to happen! I don't even know for sure what is happening, if anything, but I just can't stop myself from thinking about all of the possibilities! I just feel it so strongly down to my very core, so much so that I am completely obsessing over it. I need to calm myself.

As far as today goes, work was actually kind of busy in comparison to how it has been. It felt like kind of a long day, but it was pretty stress free and I felt much more relaxed about it than I have in a long time. It is probably because I spent the whole day thinking about all of this stuff, as opposed to focusing solely on the job. As much as focusing on the job is a good thing to do while on the job, it seems to me like you can focus too hard on it and I think that is what I have been doing. It also seems to me that when you are focusing too hard on the job, you wind up over-stressing yourself and losing focus on the individual tasks of the job, and essentially wind up fucking shit up. It's all about finding a balance, I suppose. That can really be said for anything in life, though. Balance has never been a strong suit of mine, but I am working on it.

So, on to more topical things, apparently Adam Lambert is taking a lot of flack for his performance last night at the American Music Awards. It is ridiculous! The main complaints that I have been reading are from the gay community. I've been on a couple different gay-themed forums and such, where people are saying that he is perpetuating the stereotype that gay people are hyper-sexual and can't control themselves. There are also many that said that because the performance was so sexed up and his vocals were not his best, he is essentially killing his career by making a caricature of himself. I can't help but imagine these people those self-loathing gays who spend their entire lives trying to prove that they are just like straight people. Those people make me very sad. I don't want people to think that I am like straight people. I am something very different than a straight person. I don't want them to look at me and think, "Wow, he's like us." I want them to look at me and think, "Wow, he's different from us and that's awesome!" The gay rights movement isn't about us proving how we are all the same - we are not all the same. Not a single one of us. I believe the movement is about being accepted for our differences. I refuse to change who I am to blend in - I am a person who is meant to stand out, and I embrace that with every fiber of my being. This may not be the case for every gay person, and that is the beautiful thing about it all. There are plenty of straight people who are meant to stand out, just like there are many gay people who are meant to blend in. We are all individuals, and we should all be accepted and loved for exactly what we are. So, these gay people impressing their lifestyles and ideals onto Adam Lambert is horrible, especially coming from a community which has spent ages having people try to do the same thing to them. I have always taken issue with the hypocrisy within the gay community. Straight acting guys think the overly flamboyant ones are an embarrassment, and the flamboyant guys think drag queens or transgendered people are a little "too much," and white gays won't date black ones unless they're light skinned and don't have overly "black" features, etc., etc., etc. For a community that has faced so much discrimination throughout history, it just seems so intrinsically wrong for us to discriminate against ANYONE, let alone each other. I find it so frustrating! I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that now that we FINALLY have a proper, current, big deal openly gay icon we are the first ones to start tearing him down. It just pisses me off. It is insane how I actually find the right-wing, conservative complaints about his performance more valid than the gay ones. Elisabeth Hasselbeck had a little freak out on The View this morning about the performance and how it "crossed a line." While I can see her point, I disagree based on the fact that the performance wasn't near as inappropriate as it was made out to be, and the fact that it was pushed to the very end of the broadcast, not airing until just before 11pm. Children with parents who would be concerned about them seeing this SHOULD have been in bed by the time it aired, anyway. It is not Adam's job, or the network's job, to make sure people's children don't see something their parents might be concerned over at an hour so late. The network made sure to hold it back until the very end of the evening for that very reason, even though it isn't technically their job. As far as Adam goes, his job is to create interesting, provocative, thought-provoking art and he did a brilliant job. The complaints about the performance I understand the most, really, are the ones about his vocals. They were not his best, although I didn't think they were as terrible as they have been made out to be. They simply were not as great as Adam has proven himself capable of. Then there is the fact that "For Your Entertainment" isn't exactly a song that is all about showcasing vocals. That is a performance song, and I think he put on one hell of a performance with it. It may not have been GaGa's stunning "Bad Romance/Speechless" medley, but it was definitely one of the better performances of the show. So, I guess, whatever to the Adam haters.

Speaking of GaGa, she also appeared on the Jay Leno show, (whatever it is called nowadays,) and was absolutely stunning! I can't imagine that she would even be capable of putting on a performance that is anything less than stunning. She is a complete anomaly. I have no idea how she does it, but seeing her perform the same song on a bunch of different shows never seems to get old because no two performances are ever the same. She manages to make every performance of the same song something completely new and fresh and fascinating. "Poker Face" would be a great example of that, because I have seen her do that song so many times and it never gets old. I simply don't have enough good words to say about her. She is just one of the most amazing artists I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing, and I am so glad to be in on it from the ground level because there is not a doubt in my mind that she will be around for the next 25 years, just like Madonna.

Anyway, it is after midnight, and I need to go to bed. This is possibly the most unorganized, all over the place blog I have written yet and I figure I should quite while I'm ahead. It was a long day and I am very tired right now. Here's hoping tomorrow I manage to right something a bit more copacetic. We shall see. Until then, I am off to sleep and, in the words of Kings Of Leon, "dream of revelry."

Chapter 17: Tidal Wave

I woke up after 1pm today. Bad move. I guess I can't be shocked, I wound up awake until well after 6am, so it's no surprise. Still, I would have rather have woken up when my alarm went off at 11:30am and been a little more tired than usual throughout the day. Either way, though, it wound up a pretty uneventful day. Not in the bad way, like last week, but just relaxing and spending the day watching TV and doing laundry.

I watched the one remaining episode of Oprah on my DVR, an episode from last week with Lisa Ling and Jenna Jameson discussing women viewing porn. Apparently, 1 in 3 porn consumers are women. I buy it. I don't understand why people think women are so above having sexual urges and exploring them as much as anybody else. It was a pretty informative episode of Oprah, though, and Jenna Jameson actually comes across as a very genuine, intelligent woman. She also seems a little stuck up her own ass, (which could make a good movie, except that she has "retired" now,) but I can still respect that. She has been the most successful woman in the adult industry and has built her own empire. I say good for her, even if she is well aware of all her own accomplishments. I tend to be aware, and free with sharing, my own accomplishments, as well, so I would be best to sit inside my glass house and leave all the stones alone.

After that, I sat down and watched a movie that I had seen ages ago in the theater, but never watched again until today: Cabin Fever. Eli Roth, as I may have mentioned in previous entries, is my kind of guy. I just find him irresistible! This was one of him films and the first time I saw it I wasn't very impressed, but my tastes have changed a bit since then, so I decided to give it another chance. I must say, that movie is hilarious and contains some absolutely brilliant horror film moments. My favorite part would probably have to be the scene where Rider Strong and Jordan Ladd are in bed together and he begins to "finger bang" her, only to find his hand covered in blood because he had actually been fingering a giant flesh wound. It seemed like it was going to be this really sweet, loving moment... then turned into something much different! I actually liked the movie much better this time than last. When I saw the movie the first time I was living in California. Don and I went to the Krekorian Theater in Redlands, and the theater was packed. We weren't very far into the movie before we both kind of agreed that we weren't into it, and it seemed like most of the rest of the audience agreed. We spent pretty much the entire movie loudly making fun of it. Don and I used to have that experience fairly often, where we would talk loudly in the theater and people all over the theater would respond. We are both, in a lot of ways, major attention whores and loved being able to overpower the movie we were seeing. I miss that guy a LOT lately. I miss waking up pretty much every day knowing that he'll be over at my house in a little while, if he hadn't slept there in the first place. That was the kind of friendship we always had. We would spend every single day together. I am only now getting used to friendships that aren't like that. I have had a few other friendships like that here in Florida, but none ever quite like Don. This is why he remains my best friend in the entire world.

Thinking about stuff like this now really makes me miss California. I miss the life that I lived there, in a lot of ways. If I move back, though, I want to make sure I don't just fall back into the kind of life I led there before. It was fun and I have a lot of amazing memories, but the life I lead here has elements that are going to be necessary if I do move back there. For example, in California, I pretty much never had a job. If I did find a job, I didn't keep it very long. I was very flaky about things like that and had no sense of responsibility, (which I suppose comes with being a kid, which I was all of the times I've lived there.) I don't think that would be a problem now, though. I have grown up a lot and understand the need for responsibilities in life. I also don't want to fall into a life of partying and misbehaving constantly, which I have managed to shake here in Florida. In California, I managed to get myself into all kinds of terrible, unhealthy situations and did a lot of things I am not all that proud of. I absolutely do not want to go back to any of that. Again, though, I really don't think that would be a problem now. I am at a place in my life where I really feel like I am ready to go back there and still be the person I have grown into being here in Florida. The more I think about it, the more I feel like the time may be here.

My sister and her girlfriend came by this evening and my Mom and I kind of mentioned this possibility to them. They didn't necessarily seem thrilled with the concept of my Mom and I both moving away, but weren't necessarily opposed to it, either. They did mention another possibility, though, that could make a difference in my choice if it comes down to leaving or staying. They have an extra room at their house that may become available sometime in the near future. That wouldn't be a bad option, either. It would be a lot more secure, considering I don't even know 100% whether or not I have a place to stay in California or what the job market there is like. Here I would pretty certainly have a place to stay and could stay in the job that I currently have. It just feels to me like, after the epiphany I had in the last entry, like that would be making the choice to give up on my dreams and put other things, like the security of my current job, ahead of pursuing what my life is meant for. It just really feels like last night the road laid itself out before me, and I need to not doubt that it is the right way for me to go. There are other options, and they could lead to a road that is probably just as good, but those roads are not the road that I have always known I was meant to take. As long as I can remember, I have always known the life that I was meant to lead and the universe has revealed the way to it. As much as this all may sound foolish, I really believe it would be much more foolish not to follow the signs that have been shown to me. The more I talk about this whole possibility, the more I know that it is what I need to do.

There is a song by Owl City, called "Tidal Wave," that says, "The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid, but I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave." That is exactly how I feel right now. Bravery is a concept that has always appealed to me, and has always kind of escaped me. I have been told many times in my past by various people that I am a brave person. I have been told that I live my life in a very brave way, and in some ways I can see it. Maybe I live my life in a brave way in comparison to the people who tell me that, but to me I simply live my life. I have never thought of myself as overly courageous, but looking back on my life and the amount of times I have picked up and started all over again reminds me that maybe I am kind of courageous. It is a very difficult thing to do leaving your life behind and starting something new, and I have done this many times in my life already. That is kind of what I would be doing now, if everything pans out the way I want it to. It is certainly scary, but I am much more focused on the concept of what there is to be gained from it.

My Mom read the blog entry from yesterday and she was telling me that she felt really bad about it. I didn't really understand why and told her that she shouldn't. I thought the blog made it pretty clear but she felt guilty. Oddly enough, as I was just writing about the whole concept of moving back to California and how much I feel like it is exactly what I need to do, she called me. We do that sometimes, when we are too lazy to get up and walk into the other room. She called me just to ask me about Adam Lambert's performance on the American Music Awards, (which I'll get to a little later,) and I went into her room. I asked her why she felt guilty about that blog, and she said that she felt like she was pushing me into possibly doing something that I don't really want to do. I explained to her how I really feel about the situation and I think she wound up feeling a lot better about it, too. We also discussed how this would actually be a very good thing for her, as well. She has been dating her boyfriend for nearly three years now, and that entire time they have lived an hour and a half away from each other. Their relationship has progressed a lot in the past year or so, and it seems like this would be the next logical step for her, as well. Plus, she is not getting anywhere here anymore. The main thing holding her in Sarasota up to this point has been her job, and me living with her. Now that she doesn't have that job and she sees that I am in a place in my life where I can stand on my own, she is free to go wherever she wants. I see now how this situation isn't only the best thing for me.

We also discussed how, right now, the main goal that I am focused on in the short term is getting myself a keyboard by the end of this year. After that, though, the next goal I should really focus on is learning how to drive. If everything pans out, living in California will go a lot better for me if I know how to drive. My Uncle, who is the person I am hoping to stay with if this does all work out, could probably help me with getting a car out there. He works painting sets for film and television, but also has a long history of working in mechanics and often has multiple cars around his place that he works on. We were both saying it would be a safe bet that he would be able to help me out in finding a beat up car and fixing it up for me to drive. Again, this is just further proof that this is exactly what I need to do right now. We both agreed that six months from now, when our lease is up at this apartment, would be the best time. It would give us sufficient time to prepare ourselves for such monumental life changes. It just makes me feel much better to have discussed this with my Mom and to have her on board with the whole concept.

So, now it is almost 1am and I should be getting to bed. I took some PM formula headache medicine, which I understand isn't entirely healthy, and it's beginning to take effect. Tomorrow I have to be up early to get to work. My Mom is doing overtime this week so she is going in before me, which means I have to find an alternate mode of transportation. I'll either pay for a cab, or I'll walk. I SHOULD walk, but we'll see how that plays out. I'd like to walk, honestly, because despite my revelation that I need to start doing yoga again I have not actually done it. Walking to work would be a good form of exercise, I think. Again, we'll see how that plays out. One thing that I find very interesting, though, is the fact that I did the Communication Deprivation Experiment last weekend in attempts to come to some sort of revelation about myself by way of having an interrupted train of thought & I did discover some things that have been helpful to me in my life right now, but the really major revelation that I have had this weekend came from a horoscope. This teaches me an even more profound lesson: Outside sources are not interruptions to us, but guides. The universe has to communicate with us in some way and this weekend it has spoken to me by way of a horoscope. Never again will I cut myself off from the outside world - the outside world is there for a purpose and we need it if we are ever going to get to where we are going.

Before I go to bed, there is one last thing I did want to discuss: The American Music Awards. I've gotten out of the habit of watching those, honestly, because I am not really a fan of awards shows where the winners are determined by fan votes. That is not an accurate depiction of the quality of a person's work, it is a popularity contest. This was evidenced by the fact that Lady GaGa was completely snubbed at this show. She came out there and put on a completely brilliant, awe-inspiring performance, but did not actually win anything. I don't think she was phased by that, but it just seemed to me that she was the clear winner in her categories and she didn't win any of them. As far as the actual show goes, it wasn't all that interesting. The highlights were, of course, Lady GaGa's amazing performance and the grand finale, Adam Lambert performing the first single from his album. As far as I know this was his first time performing the song, "For Your Entertainment," and it was brilliant! He started the performance singing the first verse of the song in a slow, cabaret style, then kicked it into high gear. It was a very high energy, raw, sexually charged performance, complete with crotch-grabbing, (him grabbing his own, others grabbing his and him grabbing others,) him rubbing a male dancers face into his crotch and him making out with a male band member. It was completely over the top, fun and generally mad. That, my friends, is something that I consider courageous. I'm sure for Adam, though, he was just being himself. That is why I believe when people say that I am a brave person.

Now, though, it is time for me to hit the hay. I'm interested to see what my approach to my work is tomorrow now that I have decided to focus on bigger things than getting promoted there. I think it will probably make a big difference in the way that I approach the work place, and I have definitely been needing a different approach to that. I just feel like everything is right with the world right now, the road has become clear and all that's left to do is take it! I am so excited to see what life has in store for me in the coming months, and can't wait to share it all here!