Chapter 237: Raindrops Will Fall

Okay, so I am writing this from a covered bus bench right down the road from the Allegro Music Academy. Normally, I would not think of writing the blog from my phone while waiting out here because it just seems like a bad idea. I mean, for one, I hate writing the blog from my phone, as I discovered when family was here for my brother's wedding and I didn't have access to my computer. I love my phone but writing the blog on it is a bit much. The tiny keys are no fun for really extensive typing and it can get pretty annoying. Also, after my piano lessons, when I am waiting out on the street in Bradenton, I always feel as though I should be a little more aware of my surroundings than writing this blog generally allows. It's not necessarily that I feel unsafe in this area but I definitely feel like I should have my guard up. Today, however, I don't really care. I just had to sit down in this covered bus bench and let my feelings out. You see, I just had a terrible piano lesson. Probably my worst piano lesson ever. It certainly didn't help that I was already feeling out of sorts today because there was a little complication involving my ride to the Allegro Academy this evening. You see, normally, my sister brings me to my lessons and there typically isn't any issue in that. Unfortunately, my team lead & my sister's supervisory coverage in the evenings had a death in the family & has had to go out of state this week to deal with that. Therefore, my sister is having to work until 6pm all this week. The issue with working until 6pm for a supervisor is that your 6pm end time is never actually 6pm. Sometimes, if you're lucky, it'll be 6:05pm, but more often than not it is actually 6:15pm or 6:20pm or even 6:30pm. This being the case, my sister was kind of out as an option to bring me to my lesson tonight. My Mom left work early last week & brought me down, so she didn't want to do it again this week. So, I called my friend, Rachel, who said it wouldn't be a problem at all. I know she doesn't mind, & I've told her how much I appreciate it several times, but I still feel kind of bad asking her. I wish I didn't have to. This is why I need to learn to drive... But that's a story for another day.

The day ran pretty smoothly & I got to my lesson with a few minutes to spare. I was telling Rachel on the way there that I wasn't feeling the most excited for tonight's lesson because I felt like I knew the stuff I needed to know but I didn't practice it much so I hadn't gotten good at it. When I got into Viktor's room today I was feeling slightly confident about my work, although not entirely. I found Viktor in the room text messaging and not really paying the most attention to anything at all. He told me that he has been working with some new composer who has been texting him & driving him crazy. I sat down at the bench & began to play the piece I've been working on for the past few weeks. Viktor wasn't really watching me or paying me much attention, overall, although he was definitely correcting me when I messed anything up. I didn't mess anything up too badly, or so I thought, but before I could even get through half of the piece he stopped me. He said I wasn't progressing & that he wanted to stop wasting my time, (although, I think he really may have meant his,) on this particular piece. He asked me to stand up & I assumed he meant that I was sitting in the wrong position. He did not. He opened up the bench, which I didn't realize was a storage space, as well, and pulled out a different book. He wanted to give me a simpler piece because he felt like the one I'd been working on was too difficult for me. First of all, I'm not going to lie, I felt a little insulted. I never felt like the piece I'd been working on was too difficult. It was pretty complicated but I just felt like I needed more practice & I needed to give it more focus, neither of which I have been doing much of lately. He just kept going on about how it was his fault, like he had overestimated me or something. That pissed me off. If nothing else, I felt like he underestimated me today. If there is anything in this world that I CAN'T STAND it is being underestimated. Still, I tried not to let myself dwell on these angry feelings.

The first thing I noticed when he pulled out this new book was the page it was kind of flung open to. In big, bold letters across the top it read "Could It Be Magic." My angry feelings kind of dissipated at the idea of playing "Could It Be Magic," by a man who has been a huge inspiration to me over the years, Mr. Barry Manilow. What a beautiful song, too. I love "Could It Be Magic." Sure, I don't love it as much as some of my favorite Barry songs, like "Weekend In New England" or "Ready To Take A Chance Again," but it is a great song just as well. You can imagine my disappointment when Viktor skipped right on past that page and landed on a song called "Today" by John Denver. I hate John Denver. Still, it's a pretty song. It is VERY simple on the piano, which I find kind of irritating, but still... Pretty. Whatever. Viktor also mentioned wanting me to work on a second song, as well, but after skipping through several songs, (including "Let Me Entertain You" from "Gypsy," which he also dubbed "too complicated,") he decided it was best if I just stick to the one. It just sucks because now I feel like I have this point to prove to him & it completely sullies our awesome student/teacher relationship. I guess I shouldn't take it so personally, though. He is, technically, just doing his job. Still, I am thinking of trying to learn "Let Me Entertain You," as well, out of spite. Plus, it is kind of a good old gay essential that I could always use to impress old show queens!

I don't know what else to say. The whole damn thing just sucked. I feel completely shamed. I mean, all he really did was call me out on not progressing on that piece. He was right, too. I hadn't REALLY progressed with the piece. Maybe adding something else, something simpler, to my repertoire would be a good thing. In fact, I KNOW it would be a good thing. I just need to get over myself and my ego-based reaction to constructive criticism. It'll be alright. It definitely doesn't help that I am sitting in a bus bench watching the rain fall. It sucks, too, because this day started off so well. I felt like I made myself look gorgeous today & was in a super great mood for most of the day at work. I can't let this one little thing bring me down this way. Sure, piano is not a little thing by any means but it's not like he said I was some talentless hack who would never be able to learn it. He basically said that I need to take a smaller step, & he was absolutely right.

It is after 8pm now & my Mom is going to be here to pick me up any time, so I should end this here. I am going to end this, though, with a vow to myself - I AM going to practice, practice, practice until my fingers bleed & until I get every last piece I have been assigned perfected. No matter how "complicated" they may be. For now, though, I say this: Goodnight.