Chapter 229: I’ll Never Fall In Love Again

Some evenings, while I sit and write this blog, I imagine myself to be something like Carrie Bradshaw, the main character from “Sex & The City.” I imagine myself in the midst of one of those Carrie Bradshaw writing sequences, where she asks the central question of the episode. If my life were a TV show and I had to present the central question of this current episode I don’t really know what that question would be. I suppose the main question I have right now is this: what is missing? Something is definitely missing from my life at this point – something important. There is something that I don’t have in my life at this point that is causing me to feel less than thrilled with my life. I mean, I don’t feel completely unsatisfied with my life but I can’t help but feel like there is something else that I need. There is something that I am missing and I think, in a lot of ways, it is consuming my life at this point. I don’t know when exactly I started feeling this way but it was some time recently. I don’t recall feeling the way I do now as recently as a couple of weeks ago, when I was surrounded by family and preparing for my brother’s wedding. Maybe that is the issue – I am just coming off of both having a bunch of family who I dearly love surrounding me and having my Uncle die. It seems pretty natural that I would be feeling kind of down, lost and like something is missing from my life. After all, that is one very clear thing that is missing from my life – my uncle. I mean, he wasn’t really in my day-to-day life before but the knowledge that he never will be again is a pretty saddening feeling. The option of getting to know him better than I did and to have him become more involved in my life in the future is gone. That is definitely something big to be missing. Aside from that, though, I don’t know what is missing.

Am I feeling creatively unfulfilled at this point? Yes. I would love to say that this isn’t the case at this point in time because I have always been really good, particularly recently, about keeping myself constantly working on something creative and trying to constantly be improving my skills and talents. I think this really began with the disaster that was my “Glee” audition video. I was extremely disappointed with my performance in that. I can’t help but feel like I was a talented person vocally and somehow I let it slip away from me. What’s worse is the fact that I didn’t even realize it had slipped away until it was too late. I’m sure that isn’t true but it is kind of how I feel right now. I kind of allowed that to make me start considering my life without pursuing a career as a musician. I have been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of pursuing further education. It probably wouldn’t be that difficult to get my GED and go to my local community college to take courses in Cosmetology. That is something that I could possibly see myself pursuing a career in and being satisfied with. I mean, I wouldn’t be genuinely satisfied at first but I think I could possibly grow into it. I think I could, anyway. It doesn’t help at all that I still haven’t paid for this months piano lessons. It has been incredibly difficult this month to pay for my piano lessons and I have been thinking a lot about the idea of quitting my piano lessons. I REALLY don’t want to do that, though. After all, my piano lessons are kind of like my last ditch attempt at pursuing my dreams of having a career as a songwriter. I am not ready to give up on that yet. Still, after the mess that was my “Glee” audition video and the difficulty I am having with paying for my piano lessons, giving up on my dreams seems to be a more and more prevalent thought in my head. I know that we are supposed to struggle in order to achieve the greatest things in life and I can accept that but I do start to wonder how much struggle is too much. This is strictly an ego-based reaction of fear – my lifelong fear that I will not be able to make this work. I have fought through that fear for my entire life and I want to continue to fight through it. Now that I am an adult, though, it feels a lot less realistic and like there is a lot more chance that fighting through it will inevitably not be worth it. Still, I am still young. I know I am a lot older than I was when I initially started really planning to pursue this dream but I AM still young. Too young to even be considering throwing in the towel at this point. It CAN still happen. I am fighting my hardest to believe that it WILL still happen. It can just be really difficult.

Am I perhaps missing love? Of course, I don’t have any real love in my life right now. I haven’t in a very long time. As much as I have made it a point to not allow that to take priority in my life it is becoming increasingly more difficult. I don’t necessarily feel like it is actually a romantic love that I am missing right now – it is more a sense of having someone on my side and having some sort of companionship in my life. That doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of a lover. It could just be a best friend, which is something that I have been sorely lacking for nearly as long as I have been lacking a romantic love. I have very close friends who are amazing and whom I adore, like Whitney and Nate, April and Devin, and Rachel, but I don’t have a BFF. I don’t have that person who I hang out with everyday and share everything with. I don’t have that person who makes me a priority in their life or who I make a priority in mine. Of course, aside from my very best friend in this world, Don, any time I have tried to have that sort of friendship something goes terribly wrong. Apparently, my taste in BFF is just as bad as my taste in boyfriends. It just doesn’t go well for me. I assume this is likely, in large part, my own fault. I understand that I can be a very difficult person to deal with long-term. I am bossy and demanding and have very high expectations of people and tend to be very controlling. I don’t have a lot of loyalty and I change my mind constantly and I have a lot of trouble following through on anything I say. Don’t get me wrong, I am well worth putting up with all of those things but I can understand why people would have trouble with it over time. I am much less demanding and controlling with people I am dating but I still have the extremely high expectations and I guess I am just as demanding but in different ways. I don’t know. Like I said, I am well worth all of that trouble. I don’t ever want to sound conceited but I understand that the gifts that I have to offer to somebody immensely outweigh any negative qualities I may have. It’s just a matter of finding somebody with their own gifts to share. I want somebody like me. Not exactly like me but I want somebody who is flawed but is also a complete gem. That is how I think of myself – I am a flawed gem. It would be nice to find another flawed gem, one whose flaws are complementary to mine. Like that line from “RENT” said, “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.” I question whether or not that will ever happen for me again. I definitely feel like before I can get to that point I need to get my body into a place where I feel more comfortable with it. I have discussed in this blog previously the fact that I don’t necessarily feel like I can go out and pursue a sexual relationship at this point because I don’t feel comfortable presenting my physical being to somebody else. I would not be pleased if somebody else presented a physical being like mine to me, so how can I expect anybody else to feel differently?

This leads to another thing that I feel like is missing from my life right now – progression. I feel like a few weeks ago I felt like I was making progress in every part of my life. I was excelling creatively, getting better and better on the piano and writing more than I have in years. I have skipped several days of songwriting recently and haven’t practiced much at all on the piano over the past few weeks. Plus, like I mentioned, I still haven’t paid for this month’s lessons and it is nearly next month already. I just feel like missing a lesson without making it up for the first time, as well as my lack of practice recently, has left me feeling a little disheartened about the whole thing. I was also doing well at work and was feeling satisfied with the way things were working out there. The days passed much quicker and I managed to have at least somewhat of a good time while I was there. Nowadays, the days feel like they are getting longer and longer and I am spending most of them surrounded by giant walls of my own emotions. I am not connecting with the people I work with like I always did before. My QC scores have even gone down this month, in comparison to last month. I was also doing extremely well in terms of working out and felt like I was really on my way to losing the weight that I desire to lose. Now, I haven’t worked out in three weeks. What’s worse is the fact that I have barely batted a lash at this fact. It is crazy how easily you can lose momentum in terms of working out, considering how difficult it is to build. I definitely feel like I need to take a new approach to working out. My Mom and I have been talking for the past little while about joining the YouFit gym here in town, which I think would be an excellent idea. In fact, we had intended to do it the weekend before last. Then my Uncle Bruce died, and everything got turned upside down. It’s still upside down. It’s going to take a while for things to go back to some semblance of normalcy but, much like my struggles with continuing to pursue my dreams, I simply have to fight through that. I can’t allow this to derail me from getting to where I need to be in life. Where I need to be at this point definitely includes several sizes smaller. I cannot allow myself to be derailed from this plan. I must improve my songwriting and practice habits and stick to them diligently, figure out a way to improve my attitude towards my job and start working out even more vigorously than I did before. I don’t know how exactly I am going to do it but I’ll figure it out. I simply have to. I am determined to get myself back on the right path. I WILL get there, one way or another.

Aside from all that talk, I did absolutely nothing today. I basically just watched a lot of TV. I finally downloaded an album that I have been anticipating for quite a while now, the 2010 Broadway Cast recording of the musical “Promises, Promises,” starring Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. “Promises, Promises” is one of the few major Broadway musicals to have never been turned into a film. The original show, which debuted in 1968, was based on the film “The Apartment,” and has music by Burt Bacharach, lyrics by Hal David and a book by Neil Simon. That is a pretty big powerhouse team there and it is definitely reflected in the music from this show. I didn’t realize before but some of those classic Burt Bacharach songs that I have loved for years originated in this show, including one of my all time favorite songs, “A House Is Not A Home,” as well as the gorgeous, “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again.” I grew up with the song “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again,” but the version by The Carpenters. I have heard several different versions of this song over the years, including the Dionne Warwick and Elvis Costello versions, but I have to say that this new Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes duet version is my favorite. A large part of the reason for that is because the accompaniment on this one is simply an acoustic guitar. Most versions of this song have been done with a lot of horns and piano and such but the song doesn’t really require all of that. The simple beauty of the lyrics and melody are really strong enough to carry the song without any additional production. It is a beautiful song and one that I have fallen in love with all over again after hearing this new version. The “Promises, Promises” 2010 Cast Recording is gorgeous and I highly recommend it to everybody… particularly if you are into that 60s Bacharach sound, or showtunes. I am in love with this album. For now, though, it is about to turn midnight and I should be getting to bed. It is back to work tomorrow and back to my piano lessons. I’m definitely going to need my rest. Goodnight.