Chapter 230: Miss World

As I have discussed in this blog several times in the past, I am a huge fan of Courtney Love. I believe she is a visionary and a creative genius. Like all creative geniuses, or geniuses in any capacity, she is also completely insane. Actually, I don’t think Courtney Love started out as insane – she just always had a bit more of a spark of crazy than your average person. More than that, though, I think she was an extremely driven person who allowed herself to be taken down by that. Drugs are often used as a form of escapism and when you have so much going on inside your head I’m sure you need something to slow it all down and to get away from it all. Still, her particular brand of crazy is not really the topic I am here to discuss – what I am here to discuss, at least off the top of tonight’s blog, is her talent. I don’t care what anybody else has to say about it, the woman is a brilliant songwriter. I first started listening to Hole when I was just barely hitting double digits, when they released their sophomore album, “Live Through This,” which remains one of my favorite albums of all time. When I first heard songs like “Violet,” “Doll Parts,” “Plump,” “Credit In The Straight World,” “Rock Star,” “Jennifer’s Body,” “Asking For It,” and “Miss World,” I didn’t entirely understand what they were actually saying but I knew that I felt this immense connection to them. It’s kind of the same way that I felt about “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” as a kid. I didn’t get it at the time but it really had this major influence on the rest of my life in a lot of different ways. Hole’s album “Live Through This” had the same type of effect. What is strange about this is that I have never been a real rock person. Singers who scream have never really appealed to me much. The sound of rock music has never appealed to me all that much, either. I don’t know what it was about Hole’s music that sucked me in so easily but I was pretty much immediately a big fan as soon as I listened to that album for the first time. I think one of the main things that really caught me about Courtney and Hole is the fact that she really cannot sing but she has found a way to make singing work for her. I have always really admired people who are able to do that – like Geri Halliwell or Vitamin C. They have found styles that work with the little vocal ability that they do have. It is a great thing and I have a lot of respect for it. I never genuinely thought of myself as one of those artists but I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t start considering other options, as far as vocals go. I have recently come to realize that I don’t have the voice that I want. I would love to be a big balladeer, like a male Celine or Barbra, but I have come to realize that this is something that may never wind up working out for me. So, it is time to start considering other options – I am nowhere near aggressive enough, vocally, to try to do what Courtney does, and don’t have a really great speaking voice to do Vitamin C’s speak/rap style vocals, (not to mention the fact that this is a very outdated sound that doesn’t really get done anymore and wasn’t particularly popular at the time, either.) In any sense, I am beginning to feel like I may need to start looking into other options, as far as vocals go. Another thing that really spoke to me about “Live Through This,” as well as Hole’s album prior to it, “Pretty On The Inside,” is the fact that the music doesn’t really sound like it has had a lot of production done to it. It is all very raw. From Courtney’s gutteral screams on various tracks, to the frankness, honesty and purity of the lyrics on each song to the actual sound of the music, so rough and unfinished and just generally loud. Like I said, this is one of my favorite albums of all time. I have been listening to this, as well as all the other Hole/Courtney records, and have just been feeling incredibly inspired by them. I have also been listening to a lot of Liz Phair lately and recognizing all of those same qualities, (lack of vocal ability, raw, unfinished sounding music and really frank, brilliantly crafted but completely honest lyrics, etc.) This has all made me realize that this is exactly what I need to be doing. I need to take a different approach to my songwriting, I think. Most of the stuff I have written in recent years has leaned more towards pop, more often than not, and has been more about really crafting a song that is cohesive and makes sense and flows well. These are all really good things to have in a song but listening to Hole and Liz Phair has made me start thinking that perhaps these things shouldn’t be a focus in the songwriting process. They can be thrown together after the fact, if nothing else, but aren’t entirely necessary. What I need to focus on much more is getting my raw emotions out. I need to just let go of everything inside of my head and just feel whatever it is I am feeling and let that out. This is the issue with me right now, though. I’m not feeling much of anything. I mean, I am feeling plenty of things but there isn’t anything in my life right now that I feel all that passionate about or that is inciting really strong emotions in me. Sure, I have been extremely inspired by various forms of media, like film, television and music, of course, but there is no driving force in my life right now. There isn’t anything that is creating real, genuine, organic emotion in me. This, my friends, is the main reason that I feel like I need a boyfriend or some sort of companionship. It’s really purely for selfish reasons – I need somebody to incite emotion in me to give me some sort of driving force to create something great. Right now, I don’t have that and, wouldn’t you know it, I’m not creating anything great. I just don’t know what to do about it. I just need something in my life right about now. I am sick of living on the sidelines of life. I have ALWAYS been a major player in my own life. I have always been one of those people at the epicenter of everything, creating something new and interesting to inspire my work. I don’t know how or why it happened but that has stopped for some reason. I hate it, but it has.

Today was a boring day. It really didn’t leave me with anything to be inspired by. I woke up late and went in to work an hour and forty-five minutes late. I did a really cool makeup look today, a more toned down version of one of the looks that Miley Cyrus did in the video for “Can’t Be Tamed.” I spent most of the day at work reading “Gossip Girl,” which I am nearly finished with, and doing homework from Viktor, in preparation for tonight’s piano lesson. Tonight’s piano lesson went much better than expected. My sister had something to do this evening so she couldn’t take me. My Mom wasn’t feeling great so she went ahead and left work early at 6pm and drove me to my piano lesson, which was nice because she was also off and able to come pick me up afterwards, instead of having to wait there for an hour. My Mom and I were both commenting on how this may be the way it goes from now on, if she gets this job that she has done two interviews for so far. We both have a really good feeling about it. It has to work out. It would just be absolutely perfect. The piano lesson was good and it was nice to be back there. Plus, I finally managed to pay for this month’s lessons, which takes a bit of weight off of my shoulders. Viktor understood about my not having practiced much over the past couple of weeks and asked me to have the parts of the piece I have been working on down really well by next week’s lesson. I fully intend to get back to practicing properly moving forward, so that shouldn’t be an issue. He also gave me another piece to try working on a bit, he said just if I get bored with the piece I am working on or need a break from it. That is a very good thing, I think. It felt really good to get some positive feedback, though, considering I haven’t been feeling the most confidence in my piano abilities lately.

Anyway, it is nearly midnight now and I definitely intend to avoid oversleeping tonight, which means I should really get to bed immediately. I know this is kind of a strange, random blog but it’s what I’ve got today. They’ll probably get better eventually. It really is making me feel like I need to go out and fucking do something, if for no other reason than to give me something to write about. We’ll see, I suppose. In the meantime, I need to go to bed. Goodnight.