Chapter 219: In Denial

Today was a weird day. I suppose they're all going to be that way for a while, though, until this particular version of weird becomes the new normal. Then, eventually, something else will happen and things will be a different version of weird until that becomes normal. Rinse & repeat. I don't know. I don't really have the energy or the will to do this tonight so I've pretty well decided I won't. Initially, I was going to push forward with it but I instead managed to sit here and distract myself from it for something like 3 hours. It's 2:45am now. It has just been a crazy couple of days. I haven't exactly figured out how to deal with any of it. I know I have emotions about it but I can't seem to get them out or express them in any way. My focus has all been on my Mom and dealing with her dealing with the whole thing. I just can't believe any of this is happening... but it is. My Uncle is gone. My Mom is flying out to California on Monday. My Grandma and Grandpa are on their way out there now. My cousin posted something on Facebook about it. It's all happening and I still don't really know what to say about it. I'm kind of assuming that next week, while my Mom is out of town and I am alone here, it will finally really sink in. The one thing I can say, though, is that after last weekend when so much of my family was here and I talked in this blog about how it all made me feel so much less alone in this world... well, I don't know. I feel alone now. It's not so much a matter of feeling alone, I suppose, as it is of feeling separate. I feel completely separated from everyone around me. I feel isolated. I couldn't explain exactly why that is but it is how I feel. I basically spent the entire day on autopilot, doing my best to detect the emotions coming from my Mom and to help her with them. As much as it sounds strange to say, right now my emotions are not relevant. At least, they are not as relevant as what my Mom must be feeling. So, I guess I've kind of put them away. I don't know. I don't know what I'm trying to get at here. I'm just doing the best that I can with everything. I will deal with how I feel in a timely manner, I'm sure. Emotions are like that - you can put them away for a while or set them aside or ignore them but it is never too long before you have to actually deal with them. Spending the next week alone in this house will probably be the time for me to do that. I just can't believe any of this is happening. It just seems so crazy after last weekend when everybody was so happy and we were together with so much of our family and celebrating a joyous occasion to be here, less than a week later, mourning the loss of another family member and, like I said, feeling separated from the rest of the world. This whole thing just sucks. I can't believe I am never going to see my Uncle again. I wish I were able to go with my Mom to California for the funeral but I can't. I have to stay here and work. There is the whole other matter of the fact that my Mom is going to be missing an entire week of work, which is a pretty big concern. I am also putting that concern aside, as well. I am simply going to put my faith in the fact that, as I have said many times before, the Universe is working in my favor. Of course I am worried about it but I know that a few different people have offered to help out with finances when it comes time for the paycheck that will be missing a week. Something will work out. I know my Mom is really worried about it, as well, which is why I haven't allowed myself to get too concerned with it. If I get stressed out over that she will only get worse and her focus doesn't need to be on that right now. She needs to just get to her family and I will figure everything out here at home. It will be okay. The Universe is working in my favor. It IS. It HAS TO BE. It has never failed me before and I am certain that it won't start now. Still, today was kind of like going through motions for me. My Mom wanted to go swimming at the pool in our apartment complex today, so I went with her. It was nice. The water felt great and I think it really helped to take her mind off of things for a little while. We also went out to Walgreen's so I could get cash out of my bank, (which has dedicated ATM machines at Walgreen's locations,) and pick up a few things. I bought a new moisturizer and some facial cleanser wipes from Clean & Clear and some Rimmel Glam Eyes Mascara. That is pretty well the extent of my spending from this paycheck, I think. I mean, I still need to get cash out for my piano lessons, as well. After that, I will have about $50 left and I don't have any plans for touching any of that money. I need to conserve as much as I can at this point. Before I fully woke up this morning my Mom went out grocery shopping. She said that she just needed to be alone for a little while. I can definitely understand that. Fortunately, she spent that alone time buying everything I could possibly need, as far as food goes, for the next week that she will be gone. It was very sweet of her and very fortunate for me because it meant that I won't have to spend any money on food. I also talked to my sister and her girlfriend and they said that they could get me to and from work this week, so I won't have to spend any money on transportation, either. The only concern I have left for the week, as far as sensible daily needs, is my piano lesson. I don't doubt that my sister can drop me off, like she does every week, but I haven't quite figured out what to do about getting home. I could always keep my fingers crossed that Viktor would drive me home but he told me last week that he has started driving a scooter to save money on gas, so that isn't likely to work out. I am beginning to think that it may be the best idea for me to just cancel this week's lesson. My only issue with that is that I don't want to look like I am trying to skip out on paying for the rest of the month by not showing up this week. I don't know what I am going to do. I may check with a few different people and see if there may be anybody who could pick me up after my lesson. I don't know what I'm going to do just yet. I don't know what I'm going to do about anything. The only thing I do know is that I should be in bed. Goodnight.