Chapter 235: Bad Romance

I don’t know if you guys remember a few months ago, maybe even six or seven months ago, when I was discussing how romance was in the air? Well, it seems like now I am seeing the opposite happening around me. It seems as if, like a Lady Gaga song, all of that romance is going bad. There are a few different couples in my life right now who are going through hard times in their relationships and I can’t help but wonder what the point of it all is. It all goes bad eventually. Of course, while I am thinking about how it all goes bad eventually, I also can’t help but think, “WHERE THE HELL IS MINE?!” I am really in a place right now where I am really in the mood for love, as ridiculous as that sounds. I need a little something in my life right now to shake things up and to make me feel a little better about the world. I need a little romance. I always try to avoid talking about this type of thing in my day-to-day life, which seems kind of silly I know, but it just really bothers me and I don’t want people to see that side of me. I think the main reason for this is because I know those types of girls. I’ve known MANY of them in my life and I’ve always thought the same thing – how desperate and weak they seem. Those girls who are always talking about how much they want a boyfriend or want some romance in their lives or whatever else. It just irks me. I think the issue is that all of these girls I am talking about act as if that is the answer to everything – you find a man and then you’re okay with yourself. That isn’t the way it works at all. That isn’t what I am looking for at all. I don’t expect, or even want, some man to walk into my life and suddenly make me feel good about myself and about the world around me. I already feel pretty great about myself without any man involved. I don’t need that from somebody else because I can provide it for myself. I appreciate all of the great qualities that I have and, in spite of my recent bitching about how boring it can be, I am pretty damn happy with my life. What I want out of a man, more than anything else, is to give me a different perspective on life. That came out wrong, I think. I don’t want a man to change the perspective that I already have on life but I want one who will present me with an alternate perspective when I need it. That is really the same thing I look for in all of my relationships, whether we are talking about friends, family or anything else. More than that, though, I am looking for a man who will love and accept me for everything that I am, not just the narrow concept that people on the outside see of me. Even more than that, I want a man who I can do and be the same thing for. I want a relationship with equal parts give and take. I think this has been the problem with most of my relationships in the past – I have never had a relationship of equals. If I am being honest, every relationship I have ever had has been with somebody who I felt like made up for something that I lacked, and who I felt like I made up for something that they lack. For example, my last boyfriend was extremely attractive. I mean, he was a genuinely beautiful man – it couldn’t really be denied. I am not one of those people who feel like they are hideous or anything but I have always understood that looks are not one of my strong points. However, this guy was not very intelligent. He wasn’t very intelligent at all. He wasn’t the most outgoing person in the world, either. He had a lot of personality and was very funny and charming when we were alone but in groups or with other people he never really let those qualities show. So, our relationship was off-kilter because he had the looks and I had the personality, the brains and the charm. Again, not to say that he didn’t have them – he just didn’t know how to put them to proper use. At the time, I thought that this meant that we balanced each other out. However, this was not the case at all. Looking back on it now I realize that being good looking doesn’t really have that much value in comparison to being a person with a lot to offer, personality-wise. You can be as beautiful as you want to be but if you aren’t going to show any personality to back those looks up, you’re not going to get very far in life. I think you can do much better without the looks than you can without the personality. Therefore, we weren’t equal at all – I was great and he was a loser. A really good looking loser but a loser nonetheless. This may not be the most accurate statement in the world but it makes me feel better to think about it this way, so I’m going with it.

I watched this movie this evening, a straight-to-TV that has been sitting on my DVR for a couple months now without my having watched it, called “Beauty & The Briefcase.” This movie starred Hilary Duff as a young writer who can’t seem to find love. Her dream has always been to write for Cosmopolitan Magazine and she finally gets an opportunity to meet with the editor and pitch her some story ideas but kind of botches it. She and the editor bond over their mutual lack of love and come up with a brilliant story idea – an undercover report on finding love in the Investment Banking world of New York City. So, Hilary goes undercover and gets a job as an assistant to a big time investment guy and tries to find love with one of the many men in the building where she is working. It was a cute little movie, although not one of the best things I have ever seen. The reason I bring this up, though, is because Hilary Duff’s character has this checklist of everything she is looking for in a guy or the qualities that she requires in a guy to fall in love with. In the end, though, she realized that this checklist was really what was standing in her way all along, because she had created this unrealistic concept of a man that she wouldn’t possibly be able to find. I thought that was a really fascinating concept because I think, whether or not we actually develop a full-blown checklist, we all do this to ourselves. I know I certainly have in the past. We get these ideas about the type of person we want to fall in love with and, by doing this, close ourselves off to the people around us if they don’t seem to fit into that concept right off the bat. I really don’t feel like I do that anymore, though. I have long given up on the idea of looking for specifics in people. To me, it seems like it is all about the chemistry that you have with somebody. Specifics don’t really matter unless they are something that you feel really strongly about and is a deal breaker for you. For example, for some people, loyalty is a very important quality to have in a partner and something like infidelity is an automatic deal breaker. For me, personally, that isn’t all THAT important. I mean, if it is excessive or something it could be an issue but sexual transgressions don’t really make all that much of a difference to me. What does make a difference to me, though, is feeling as if the person I am with doesn’t care that much about me or that I am not important to them. If somebody is flippant about the things that are important to me or doesn’t give me the time and attention that I require, that is a deal breaker to me. I need somebody to make me feel adored. I need somebody who wants to spend their time with me and wants to know every little part of me, etc. That is something that is extremely important to me. Basically, I just want somebody who is really into me… just like I am. Just kidding.

In all honesty, I don’t know what I am looking for out of a man. All I know is that I haven’t found it yet and it is getting kind of annoying to go without it. I mean, in general, I get by just fine on my own. I have family and friends and people who I adore to help me get by but, as I have discussed quite frequently here, I don’t have that person who cares for me the most. I don’t have somebody in my life who puts me above other things. I don’t have somebody in my life who places me near the top of their list of priorities. That isn’t that big of a deal, I suppose, but it definitely sometimes leaves me feeling like I am floating out in the middle of a big empty space all by myself. Even though, like I mentioned before, the couples around me seem to be hanging on by threads I don’t want other people to be as alone as I am. I want them all to be happy. I don’t wish any ill will towards any of them and I hope they are able to resolve their issues. I just want somebody of my own. Even writing this blog makes me feel like one of those desperate girls I was talking about before. I hate that feeling. I am NOT desperate. I don’t need somebody else to come in and change my world. I don’t even want that. I just want somebody to be a complement to my world. I want somebody to enhance it, not change it. Sadly, I don’t feel overly optimistic about that whole concept at this point in my life. The main reason for this is the fact that, as I have mentioned here before, I don’t feel like what I have to offer is something that I would be interested in, therefore I don’t feel like it is something that anybody else will be all that impressed with being offered up, either. I wouldn’t say that this is a self-esteem issue because, as I said, I feel pretty great about myself and who I am. It is just a matter of knowing that what I am isn’t what I would want to date. It’s like that gay self-help book, “Finding The Boyfriend Within.” Okay, for a more common reference, it is like Ghandi said, (or was it the Dalai Lama?) “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It is not exactly like that – this is on a much smaller scale. I feel like I need to become what it is that I want out of somebody else. So, I need to make that happen.

Of course, it doesn’t help at all that I have fallen off of the workout wagon. I haven’t gotten any REAL exercise in almost a month. I was doing it pretty diligently every day for a long time but my trouble began the week of my brother’s wedding. I missed the first couple days of that week because I was off from work and getting up in the morning for work has always been one of the biggest parts of maintaining that sort of routine. Then we had family here, so I wasn’t working out in the mornings because they were all over the house in the morning and such. Then, since I had already missed so much of the week after my brother’s wedding I went ahead and skipped that entire week, as well. Then we found out about my Uncle. That threw everything into upheaval there for a while, especially with my Mom out of town and me having to go to work earlier than usual in order to ride with my sister in the morning. The week after that, though, there was really no excuse for. Now, we are in a new week. I didn’t work out today because I just felt exceptionally tired. I have felt exceptionally tired for the past few weeks. I know that not working out and feeling tired all the time definitely have to do with one another but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. This is particularly shitty because today I had a really good opportunity that I didn’t take. You see, last week my Mom finally went and joined the YouFit gym here in town and wanted me to go there with her this evening after work. She signed up for the $20 per month membership, (it’s usually $10 per month,) specifically because it allowed for you to bring a guest with you any time. That was especially sweet of her because she did that so I wouldn’t have to join myself and could just go with her. However, she has decided that she really wants to go in the mornings because she doesn’t want to be going there after 8pm every night. However, if she winds up getting this job at the county, (which we are still waiting for word back from – they said they would call her no matter what the decision was,) then we will have much more similar schedules and can orchestrate going daily much easier than we can now. Even more reason that she just absolutely must get this job. No matter what, though, I really have to get back to working out. There is too much at stake for me not to. You see, with what happened with my Uncle, there has been an added emphasis on trying to get into better shape right now. What happened to him was a direct effect of his weight. So, my entire family is really stressing to my Mom, my sister and I, who are all overweight, to do everything we can to get in better shape. Plus, like I said, I need to get myself to a point where I have something much closer to what I want out of another person to offer up. It is just all-around imperative that I get myself into better shape. I don’t know how I am going to get myself back to it but I am going to figure it out somehow.

In the meantime, though, it is 12:45am and I am exhausted. I don’t have to work tomorrow but I am exhausted from getting up so early today. I do want to mention before I do go, though, my makeup today. I was really keen on trying out all of the new stuff I picked up yesterday and so I did a really gorgeous golden/bronze look with my makeup, using the Stila “It Girl” palette that I got for $10 from Ulta yesterday. I applied that with my new Eco Tools brushes and capped it all off with my new Max Factor Vivid Impact mascara that was on clearance for only $1.99 at Ulta, as well. I just have to talk about this for a minute because it was gorgeous! The Eco Tools brushes worked beautifully! As soon as I finished my look, I thought to myself, “Those brushes kicked all of my other brushes’ asses!” They are so soft and comfortable in the hand and really got the job done so much better than most brushes I have used in the past. Particularly for blending, they did an amazing job. It was a pretty flawless look today. I watched a review on YouTube of the “It Girl” palette in which they said that the palette was a worthless piece of crap because the colors all blended into one funky gold color after a few hours. I wore that look from 8am-10pm today and the colors were still really vibrant and distinct when I took it off. Obviously, they faded some but they were still clearly defined and shimmering nearly as much as they did this morning. I also used the peachy/coral colored blush I mentioned yesterday and, I’m not sure why exactly, but it gives me this gorgeous tanned look that I am in love with. Also, I used my new Covergirl CG Smoothers Tinted Moisturizer today and, while it didn’t cover up blemishes or anything, it evened out my skin tone well, gave me a slight dewy glow and stayed on for most of the day. It was really nice. Like I said, I absolutely loved my makeup look today and I really couldn’t be happier with any of the products I purchased. Even the mascara looked much more natural and gave my lashes a great, full look. The best part about this mascara, though, is that it is double sided – the first side is a defining base coat, which is black and is used to define, volumize and separate the lashes, and the second side is a highlighting top coat, which is a silver color and adds just the slightest bit of sparkle to your look, which really makes the lashes and the eyes pop like crazy! I loved it. All of these products came together today to give me a really beautiful look that I felt pleased with all day long. That day is over now, though, my makeup has been removed and it is nearly 1am. I am really tired and I need to get to bed. Goodnight.