Chapter 209: Fireworks

So, it was a long day. I pretty well expected it would be when I went to bed last night. I fell asleep very shortly after 1am and had one of those nights where it felt like I didn’t sleep at all. You know, those nights where it really seems like there wasn’t a lapse in time at all? It was as if I just closed my eyes, opened them and found it was suddenly morning. I hate that type of night. I felt really groggy when I woke up and, honestly, had already decided that I wasn’t going to work out this morning. I used that time, instead, to practice piano. It was really pointless considering the fact that I didn’t practice the new piece, since I don’t understand it very well. When I spoke with Viktor on Monday, he told me to just continue practicing the pieces from before so that is what I did. I couldn’t help but feel like a little bit of a failure, though, because I have both of the previous pieces down already. They are not what I need to be practicing. I mean, I do need to continue practicing them so I can perfect them but my focus really needs to be on the new piece. So, that wasn’t the best start to the morning. I ate some Golden Grahams for breakfast then headed into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup. This also didn’t go very well. The outfit I wore today was slightly uncomfortable. I wore these jeans that I found while cleaning out my closet and hadn’t worn in a very long time. I realized after wearing them for a little bit that the reason I didn’t wear them regularly anymore was because they are too big and fit really awkwardly. These jeans have the opposite problem from most of my jeans lately. The shirt I wore with them also didn’t feel good. I kept pulling at it in several different directions. To make matters worse, my makeup fell flat very quickly today. I put on way too much blush and felt like I looked a little ridiculous, (that whole “stage makeup” thing I discussed last week,) so I put on a bunch of powder to downplay it and then the powder wound up looking kind of cakey. Plus, my eye shadow looked non-existent. I did what I thought was a very cool look with my MAC Brule, as well as a frosty blue color and a dark brown, which matched the shirt I was wearing. It didn’t take me long to notice, though, that the blue seemed to fade out completely and the brown in the crease added dimension to my eyes but was barely visible as a color. It was a very natural look, I suppose, but it did not go well with my caked on powder and too much blush. Basically, I spent the day feeling like I looked a hot mess.

Work felt really long today. One of my co-workers called in sick, leaving me alone for the last hour of the day. I was really concerned about this because of the fact that my piano lesson was tonight and I didn’t want to get stuck there late. I may have made a few less than positive comments about the guy and I felt really bad about it but it is really irritating, especially considering he has done this a few other times recently. I generally don’t have much of an opinion on other people’s actions, in terms of the workplace, but when it directly affects my job it becomes personal to me and I get frustrated easily. Still, I feel really bad speaking negatively about others. It flows from me so easily but it is never without a certain amount of guilt. I need to work on that a lot. I have a really bad tendency to speak before I actually think things through. I need to work on that really badly. This weekend will be a really good practice in that, with my family from California coming to town. My sister seems slightly concerned that I am going to say or do something crazy to shock them. I’m not going to lie I am slightly concerned about that, too. I know I have enough self-restraint to not be horrible or cruel to them but I am also not going to limit my personality or persona. They can take it or leave it. I mean, I am going to do minimal makeup for the wedding but the dinner or whatever we are doing the following day is going to be business as usual for me. After all, this is family and if I can’t show them my authentic self who can I show it to? Like my new favorite quote from RuPaul says, “What other people think of me is none of my business.” That is exactly how I feel. I have to do what makes me happy, regardless of what anybody else thinks of it. So, that is exactly what I intend to do while my family is here. Honestly, I don’t really feel like there is another option. My mouth, on the other hand, is something that I can and should keep under control. I will look the way that I want to and say the things that I want to say but I just need to think about them before I go ahead and say them to make sure they aren’t going to hurt anybody’s feelings.

Despite not working out this morning, I did manage to complete one of my tasks for the day – I wrote two new songs at work. The first one came out really easily and I think was really good. The second one, on the other hand, I spent a good portion of the day working on and I wasn’t very happy with. It was called “Nothing’s Coming Out,” and it was basically a song about not being able to write a song. It was a dorky concept, in the first place, but I pushed forward with it and I like the general feel of the song. There was just something about it that really irritated me. I just kept trying and trying and coming up with stuff that really sucked. I also tossed it aside several times and tried to start writing other songs but they all came out even worse than the original one. So, the concept definitely came from a genuine place. I just don’t know what it was about the song that really didn’t rub me the right way. I hate when that happens. You push yourself and push yourself to get something out and then it just never manages to feel quite right. It wound up being really busy for me today, though, so I didn’t really have a lot of time to get any creative work done. My friends who sit by me were also a lot less talkative than usual. We all were talking about how tired we were, so I think that probably had a lot to do with it. It just felt like the workday took forever to pass. That last hour, when I was there by myself, was the part that passed the quickest, though. It probably has to do with the fact that I was taking non-stop calls during that time. Fortunately, I got off of my last call right around 5:51pm or so, and no others came in. It was as if the Universe was working in my favor, which makes sense because it is. I say it all the time and this is just further evidence of it. After work, my sister was waiting downstairs for her girlfriend and I. Then we headed down to the Allegro Academy. All the way there, we were discussing the events of the upcoming weekend, as well as the fact that when we leave work tomorrow evening, none of us have to go back until Tuesday of next week. I am just really excited to get tomorrow over with and have five days away from that place. I know I just had four days but they weren’t enough. I know I won’t be relaxing on any of these days off, except maybe Tuesday of next week, but I am still looking forward to it all. I get to see my family, my Mom’s side, and I really can’t wait.

When I arrived at the Allegro Academy Viktor was standing outside talking to some people, and greeted me immediately. We went into the school and started discussing the troubles I was having with the new piece. I explained that it was really complicated for me to figure out and I was having a lot of trouble figuring out the fingering on this piece, etc. He broke it down for me in a much simpler way than he did last week, which was really helpful. After tonight’s lesson I feel like this piece may wind up working out really well for me. I said last week that I really loved the piece – it is absolutely gorgeous and is incredibly melodic. I love it. I really want to be able to play it. After tonight’s lesson, I feel like I will be able to eventually. It is still going to take a lot of work. Viktor did offer me the option of abandoning this one but I really didn’t want to. I think it could work out really well for me. Plus, like he said last week, he selected this piece for me specifically because he felt like it would be useful in teaching me how to write music, as well as play it. There are a lot of the very difficult lessons of piano hidden in this piece, so it will be good to get those over with and be able to move forward with playing and writing, hopefully. After the lesson, I walked down to Circle K or 7-11 and bought myself an iced coffee and a candy bar, then sat down on a bus bench to wait for my Mom. It was really hot out today and as I sat there I started feeling really strange. I was getting kind of nauseous and light-headed. It was strange. It just hit me really suddenly. Once my Mom picked me up and we got home I still felt a little ill for a while but it eventually went away. When I got home I sat down in front of the computer and ate a tuna sandwich and watched “Death At A Funeral.” I wasn’t sure what to expect from this movie because I am really not a fan of Martin Lawrence and, although I have a lot of respect for Chris Rock, I have never been a big fan of his brand of humor. Still, I was really impressed with this movie. It was a lot of fun and had a lot of really laugh out loud moments. I was also very impressed with the fact that it had a pretty serious gay sub-plot and never once made it out to be a bad thing, as many comedies have had a tendency to do in the past. It was never judgmental or disrespectful of gay people, although it definitely played on a lot of stereotypes for jokes. Of course, I am not one of those people who take offense or find it a bad thing to play off of stereotypes for jokes, as long as you aren’t just making a mockery of it. Anyway, it was a very good movie and I definitely recommend checking it out.

So, it is 12:15am and I need to get to bed pretty quickly. Before I do, though, I did just want to mention one last thing – I am currently listening to the new album, “Thank Me Later,” by the rapper Drake. I’ll admit I can’t speak with much authority on the topic of rap music. I do listen to my fair share of hip-hop and R&B but typically tend to shy away from full-blown rap music. Still, I decided to check out Drake’s album because I was a very big fan of his when he was just Aubrey Graham, playing Jimmy on “Degrassi: The Next Generation.” Plus, there has been a LOT of hype surrounding this kid. After listening to this album, I have to say that the hype is well deserved. It is a really solid album and doesn’t really include a single “skip-worthy” song. There are definitely some standout tracks, though, including “Shut It Down,” which features The-Dream, “Fancy,” featuring T.I. and Swizz Beats, the first single from this record, “Over,” which is a really powerful track that I found myself incredibly inspired by when I first heard it, and my favorite, the album opener, “Fireworks.” “Fireworks” features Alicia Keys, who I absolutely love, and is a very powerful song about moving up in the world and kind of blowing up, like fireworks. It is a hot song. He makes hip-hop music in a very different way than your average rapper and really puts an emphasis on having really powerful instrumentation on every song, as well as a hot beat. I couldn’t be more impressed with this album and definitely recommend it to anybody, hip-hop fan or not. The other thing I really like about this album is that it seems to have a recurring theme of songs about moving up and trying to make a place for yourself in this world, which is a message that I can definitely relate to. It is a very positive message to be spreading and it is inspiring to see somebody in the position that he is in really doing his part to inspire others to try to make something great of their lives, as well. Plus, there are tons of really upbeat songs to dance to. So, really, it’s kind of perfect. I love it. Also, it helps that Drake is sexy as hell, but that doesn’t really affect his musical abilities. It does make his videos nicer, though. In any sense, I need to get to bed. Goodnight.