Okay, so I am writing this from a covered bus bench right down the road from the Allegro Music Academy. Normally, I would not think of writing the blog from my phone while waiting out here because it just seems like a bad idea. I mean, for one, I hate writing the blog from my phone, as I discovered when family was here for my brother's wedding and I didn't have access to my computer. I love my phone but writing the blog on it is a bit much. The tiny keys are no fun for really extensive typing and it can get pretty annoying. Also, after my piano lessons, when I am waiting out on the street in Bradenton, I always feel as though I should be a little more aware of my surroundings than writing this blog generally allows. It's not necessarily that I feel unsafe in this area but I definitely feel like I should have my guard up. Today, however, I don't really care. I just had to sit down in this covered bus bench and let my feelings out. You see, I just had a terrible piano lesson. Probably my worst piano lesson ever. It certainly didn't help that I was already feeling out of sorts today because there was a little complication involving my ride to the Allegro Academy this evening. You see, normally, my sister brings me to my lessons and there typically isn't any issue in that. Unfortunately, my team lead & my sister's supervisory coverage in the evenings had a death in the family & has had to go out of state this week to deal with that. Therefore, my sister is having to work until 6pm all this week. The issue with working until 6pm for a supervisor is that your 6pm end time is never actually 6pm. Sometimes, if you're lucky, it'll be 6:05pm, but more often than not it is actually 6:15pm or 6:20pm or even 6:30pm. This being the case, my sister was kind of out as an option to bring me to my lesson tonight. My Mom left work early last week & brought me down, so she didn't want to do it again this week. So, I called my friend, Rachel, who said it wouldn't be a problem at all. I know she doesn't mind, & I've told her how much I appreciate it several times, but I still feel kind of bad asking her. I wish I didn't have to. This is why I need to learn to drive... But that's a story for another day.
The day ran pretty smoothly & I got to my lesson with a few minutes to spare. I was telling Rachel on the way there that I wasn't feeling the most excited for tonight's lesson because I felt like I knew the stuff I needed to know but I didn't practice it much so I hadn't gotten good at it. When I got into Viktor's room today I was feeling slightly confident about my work, although not entirely. I found Viktor in the room text messaging and not really paying the most attention to anything at all. He told me that he has been working with some new composer who has been texting him & driving him crazy. I sat down at the bench & began to play the piece I've been working on for the past few weeks. Viktor wasn't really watching me or paying me much attention, overall, although he was definitely correcting me when I messed anything up. I didn't mess anything up too badly, or so I thought, but before I could even get through half of the piece he stopped me. He said I wasn't progressing & that he wanted to stop wasting my time, (although, I think he really may have meant his,) on this particular piece. He asked me to stand up & I assumed he meant that I was sitting in the wrong position. He did not. He opened up the bench, which I didn't realize was a storage space, as well, and pulled out a different book. He wanted to give me a simpler piece because he felt like the one I'd been working on was too difficult for me. First of all, I'm not going to lie, I felt a little insulted. I never felt like the piece I'd been working on was too difficult. It was pretty complicated but I just felt like I needed more practice & I needed to give it more focus, neither of which I have been doing much of lately. He just kept going on about how it was his fault, like he had overestimated me or something. That pissed me off. If nothing else, I felt like he underestimated me today. If there is anything in this world that I CAN'T STAND it is being underestimated. Still, I tried not to let myself dwell on these angry feelings.
The first thing I noticed when he pulled out this new book was the page it was kind of flung open to. In big, bold letters across the top it read "Could It Be Magic." My angry feelings kind of dissipated at the idea of playing "Could It Be Magic," by a man who has been a huge inspiration to me over the years, Mr. Barry Manilow. What a beautiful song, too. I love "Could It Be Magic." Sure, I don't love it as much as some of my favorite Barry songs, like "Weekend In New England" or "Ready To Take A Chance Again," but it is a great song just as well. You can imagine my disappointment when Viktor skipped right on past that page and landed on a song called "Today" by John Denver. I hate John Denver. Still, it's a pretty song. It is VERY simple on the piano, which I find kind of irritating, but still... Pretty. Whatever. Viktor also mentioned wanting me to work on a second song, as well, but after skipping through several songs, (including "Let Me Entertain You" from "Gypsy," which he also dubbed "too complicated,") he decided it was best if I just stick to the one. It just sucks because now I feel like I have this point to prove to him & it completely sullies our awesome student/teacher relationship. I guess I shouldn't take it so personally, though. He is, technically, just doing his job. Still, I am thinking of trying to learn "Let Me Entertain You," as well, out of spite. Plus, it is kind of a good old gay essential that I could always use to impress old show queens!
I don't know what else to say. The whole damn thing just sucked. I feel completely shamed. I mean, all he really did was call me out on not progressing on that piece. He was right, too. I hadn't REALLY progressed with the piece. Maybe adding something else, something simpler, to my repertoire would be a good thing. In fact, I KNOW it would be a good thing. I just need to get over myself and my ego-based reaction to constructive criticism. It'll be alright. It definitely doesn't help that I am sitting in a bus bench watching the rain fall. It sucks, too, because this day started off so well. I felt like I made myself look gorgeous today & was in a super great mood for most of the day at work. I can't let this one little thing bring me down this way. Sure, piano is not a little thing by any means but it's not like he said I was some talentless hack who would never be able to learn it. He basically said that I need to take a smaller step, & he was absolutely right.
It is after 8pm now & my Mom is going to be here to pick me up any time, so I should end this here. I am going to end this, though, with a vow to myself - I AM going to practice, practice, practice until my fingers bleed & until I get every last piece I have been assigned perfected. No matter how "complicated" they may be. For now, though, I say this: Goodnight.
Wednesday, June 30
Tuesday, June 29
Chapter 236: Stars Are Blind
Sorry about the sound, btw. I didn't think my camera would pick up so much of that crazy background noise!
Chapter 235: Bad Romance
I don’t know if you guys remember a few months ago, maybe even six or seven months ago, when I was discussing how romance was in the air? Well, it seems like now I am seeing the opposite happening around me. It seems as if, like a Lady Gaga song, all of that romance is going bad. There are a few different couples in my life right now who are going through hard times in their relationships and I can’t help but wonder what the point of it all is. It all goes bad eventually. Of course, while I am thinking about how it all goes bad eventually, I also can’t help but think, “WHERE THE HELL IS MINE?!” I am really in a place right now where I am really in the mood for love, as ridiculous as that sounds. I need a little something in my life right now to shake things up and to make me feel a little better about the world. I need a little romance. I always try to avoid talking about this type of thing in my day-to-day life, which seems kind of silly I know, but it just really bothers me and I don’t want people to see that side of me. I think the main reason for this is because I know those types of girls. I’ve known MANY of them in my life and I’ve always thought the same thing – how desperate and weak they seem. Those girls who are always talking about how much they want a boyfriend or want some romance in their lives or whatever else. It just irks me. I think the issue is that all of these girls I am talking about act as if that is the answer to everything – you find a man and then you’re okay with yourself. That isn’t the way it works at all. That isn’t what I am looking for at all. I don’t expect, or even want, some man to walk into my life and suddenly make me feel good about myself and about the world around me. I already feel pretty great about myself without any man involved. I don’t need that from somebody else because I can provide it for myself. I appreciate all of the great qualities that I have and, in spite of my recent bitching about how boring it can be, I am pretty damn happy with my life. What I want out of a man, more than anything else, is to give me a different perspective on life. That came out wrong, I think. I don’t want a man to change the perspective that I already have on life but I want one who will present me with an alternate perspective when I need it. That is really the same thing I look for in all of my relationships, whether we are talking about friends, family or anything else. More than that, though, I am looking for a man who will love and accept me for everything that I am, not just the narrow concept that people on the outside see of me. Even more than that, I want a man who I can do and be the same thing for. I want a relationship with equal parts give and take. I think this has been the problem with most of my relationships in the past – I have never had a relationship of equals. If I am being honest, every relationship I have ever had has been with somebody who I felt like made up for something that I lacked, and who I felt like I made up for something that they lack. For example, my last boyfriend was extremely attractive. I mean, he was a genuinely beautiful man – it couldn’t really be denied. I am not one of those people who feel like they are hideous or anything but I have always understood that looks are not one of my strong points. However, this guy was not very intelligent. He wasn’t very intelligent at all. He wasn’t the most outgoing person in the world, either. He had a lot of personality and was very funny and charming when we were alone but in groups or with other people he never really let those qualities show. So, our relationship was off-kilter because he had the looks and I had the personality, the brains and the charm. Again, not to say that he didn’t have them – he just didn’t know how to put them to proper use. At the time, I thought that this meant that we balanced each other out. However, this was not the case at all. Looking back on it now I realize that being good looking doesn’t really have that much value in comparison to being a person with a lot to offer, personality-wise. You can be as beautiful as you want to be but if you aren’t going to show any personality to back those looks up, you’re not going to get very far in life. I think you can do much better without the looks than you can without the personality. Therefore, we weren’t equal at all – I was great and he was a loser. A really good looking loser but a loser nonetheless. This may not be the most accurate statement in the world but it makes me feel better to think about it this way, so I’m going with it.
I watched this movie this evening, a straight-to-TV that has been sitting on my DVR for a couple months now without my having watched it, called “Beauty & The Briefcase.” This movie starred Hilary Duff as a young writer who can’t seem to find love. Her dream has always been to write for Cosmopolitan Magazine and she finally gets an opportunity to meet with the editor and pitch her some story ideas but kind of botches it. She and the editor bond over their mutual lack of love and come up with a brilliant story idea – an undercover report on finding love in the Investment Banking world of New York City. So, Hilary goes undercover and gets a job as an assistant to a big time investment guy and tries to find love with one of the many men in the building where she is working. It was a cute little movie, although not one of the best things I have ever seen. The reason I bring this up, though, is because Hilary Duff’s character has this checklist of everything she is looking for in a guy or the qualities that she requires in a guy to fall in love with. In the end, though, she realized that this checklist was really what was standing in her way all along, because she had created this unrealistic concept of a man that she wouldn’t possibly be able to find. I thought that was a really fascinating concept because I think, whether or not we actually develop a full-blown checklist, we all do this to ourselves. I know I certainly have in the past. We get these ideas about the type of person we want to fall in love with and, by doing this, close ourselves off to the people around us if they don’t seem to fit into that concept right off the bat. I really don’t feel like I do that anymore, though. I have long given up on the idea of looking for specifics in people. To me, it seems like it is all about the chemistry that you have with somebody. Specifics don’t really matter unless they are something that you feel really strongly about and is a deal breaker for you. For example, for some people, loyalty is a very important quality to have in a partner and something like infidelity is an automatic deal breaker. For me, personally, that isn’t all THAT important. I mean, if it is excessive or something it could be an issue but sexual transgressions don’t really make all that much of a difference to me. What does make a difference to me, though, is feeling as if the person I am with doesn’t care that much about me or that I am not important to them. If somebody is flippant about the things that are important to me or doesn’t give me the time and attention that I require, that is a deal breaker to me. I need somebody to make me feel adored. I need somebody who wants to spend their time with me and wants to know every little part of me, etc. That is something that is extremely important to me. Basically, I just want somebody who is really into me… just like I am. Just kidding.
In all honesty, I don’t know what I am looking for out of a man. All I know is that I haven’t found it yet and it is getting kind of annoying to go without it. I mean, in general, I get by just fine on my own. I have family and friends and people who I adore to help me get by but, as I have discussed quite frequently here, I don’t have that person who cares for me the most. I don’t have somebody in my life who puts me above other things. I don’t have somebody in my life who places me near the top of their list of priorities. That isn’t that big of a deal, I suppose, but it definitely sometimes leaves me feeling like I am floating out in the middle of a big empty space all by myself. Even though, like I mentioned before, the couples around me seem to be hanging on by threads I don’t want other people to be as alone as I am. I want them all to be happy. I don’t wish any ill will towards any of them and I hope they are able to resolve their issues. I just want somebody of my own. Even writing this blog makes me feel like one of those desperate girls I was talking about before. I hate that feeling. I am NOT desperate. I don’t need somebody else to come in and change my world. I don’t even want that. I just want somebody to be a complement to my world. I want somebody to enhance it, not change it. Sadly, I don’t feel overly optimistic about that whole concept at this point in my life. The main reason for this is the fact that, as I have mentioned here before, I don’t feel like what I have to offer is something that I would be interested in, therefore I don’t feel like it is something that anybody else will be all that impressed with being offered up, either. I wouldn’t say that this is a self-esteem issue because, as I said, I feel pretty great about myself and who I am. It is just a matter of knowing that what I am isn’t what I would want to date. It’s like that gay self-help book, “Finding The Boyfriend Within.” Okay, for a more common reference, it is like Ghandi said, (or was it the Dalai Lama?) “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It is not exactly like that – this is on a much smaller scale. I feel like I need to become what it is that I want out of somebody else. So, I need to make that happen.
Of course, it doesn’t help at all that I have fallen off of the workout wagon. I haven’t gotten any REAL exercise in almost a month. I was doing it pretty diligently every day for a long time but my trouble began the week of my brother’s wedding. I missed the first couple days of that week because I was off from work and getting up in the morning for work has always been one of the biggest parts of maintaining that sort of routine. Then we had family here, so I wasn’t working out in the mornings because they were all over the house in the morning and such. Then, since I had already missed so much of the week after my brother’s wedding I went ahead and skipped that entire week, as well. Then we found out about my Uncle. That threw everything into upheaval there for a while, especially with my Mom out of town and me having to go to work earlier than usual in order to ride with my sister in the morning. The week after that, though, there was really no excuse for. Now, we are in a new week. I didn’t work out today because I just felt exceptionally tired. I have felt exceptionally tired for the past few weeks. I know that not working out and feeling tired all the time definitely have to do with one another but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. This is particularly shitty because today I had a really good opportunity that I didn’t take. You see, last week my Mom finally went and joined the YouFit gym here in town and wanted me to go there with her this evening after work. She signed up for the $20 per month membership, (it’s usually $10 per month,) specifically because it allowed for you to bring a guest with you any time. That was especially sweet of her because she did that so I wouldn’t have to join myself and could just go with her. However, she has decided that she really wants to go in the mornings because she doesn’t want to be going there after 8pm every night. However, if she winds up getting this job at the county, (which we are still waiting for word back from – they said they would call her no matter what the decision was,) then we will have much more similar schedules and can orchestrate going daily much easier than we can now. Even more reason that she just absolutely must get this job. No matter what, though, I really have to get back to working out. There is too much at stake for me not to. You see, with what happened with my Uncle, there has been an added emphasis on trying to get into better shape right now. What happened to him was a direct effect of his weight. So, my entire family is really stressing to my Mom, my sister and I, who are all overweight, to do everything we can to get in better shape. Plus, like I said, I need to get myself to a point where I have something much closer to what I want out of another person to offer up. It is just all-around imperative that I get myself into better shape. I don’t know how I am going to get myself back to it but I am going to figure it out somehow.
In the meantime, though, it is 12:45am and I am exhausted. I don’t have to work tomorrow but I am exhausted from getting up so early today. I do want to mention before I do go, though, my makeup today. I was really keen on trying out all of the new stuff I picked up yesterday and so I did a really gorgeous golden/bronze look with my makeup, using the Stila “It Girl” palette that I got for $10 from Ulta yesterday. I applied that with my new Eco Tools brushes and capped it all off with my new Max Factor Vivid Impact mascara that was on clearance for only $1.99 at Ulta, as well. I just have to talk about this for a minute because it was gorgeous! The Eco Tools brushes worked beautifully! As soon as I finished my look, I thought to myself, “Those brushes kicked all of my other brushes’ asses!” They are so soft and comfortable in the hand and really got the job done so much better than most brushes I have used in the past. Particularly for blending, they did an amazing job. It was a pretty flawless look today. I watched a review on YouTube of the “It Girl” palette in which they said that the palette was a worthless piece of crap because the colors all blended into one funky gold color after a few hours. I wore that look from 8am-10pm today and the colors were still really vibrant and distinct when I took it off. Obviously, they faded some but they were still clearly defined and shimmering nearly as much as they did this morning. I also used the peachy/coral colored blush I mentioned yesterday and, I’m not sure why exactly, but it gives me this gorgeous tanned look that I am in love with. Also, I used my new Covergirl CG Smoothers Tinted Moisturizer today and, while it didn’t cover up blemishes or anything, it evened out my skin tone well, gave me a slight dewy glow and stayed on for most of the day. It was really nice. Like I said, I absolutely loved my makeup look today and I really couldn’t be happier with any of the products I purchased. Even the mascara looked much more natural and gave my lashes a great, full look. The best part about this mascara, though, is that it is double sided – the first side is a defining base coat, which is black and is used to define, volumize and separate the lashes, and the second side is a highlighting top coat, which is a silver color and adds just the slightest bit of sparkle to your look, which really makes the lashes and the eyes pop like crazy! I loved it. All of these products came together today to give me a really beautiful look that I felt pleased with all day long. That day is over now, though, my makeup has been removed and it is nearly 1am. I am really tired and I need to get to bed. Goodnight.
I watched this movie this evening, a straight-to-TV that has been sitting on my DVR for a couple months now without my having watched it, called “Beauty & The Briefcase.” This movie starred Hilary Duff as a young writer who can’t seem to find love. Her dream has always been to write for Cosmopolitan Magazine and she finally gets an opportunity to meet with the editor and pitch her some story ideas but kind of botches it. She and the editor bond over their mutual lack of love and come up with a brilliant story idea – an undercover report on finding love in the Investment Banking world of New York City. So, Hilary goes undercover and gets a job as an assistant to a big time investment guy and tries to find love with one of the many men in the building where she is working. It was a cute little movie, although not one of the best things I have ever seen. The reason I bring this up, though, is because Hilary Duff’s character has this checklist of everything she is looking for in a guy or the qualities that she requires in a guy to fall in love with. In the end, though, she realized that this checklist was really what was standing in her way all along, because she had created this unrealistic concept of a man that she wouldn’t possibly be able to find. I thought that was a really fascinating concept because I think, whether or not we actually develop a full-blown checklist, we all do this to ourselves. I know I certainly have in the past. We get these ideas about the type of person we want to fall in love with and, by doing this, close ourselves off to the people around us if they don’t seem to fit into that concept right off the bat. I really don’t feel like I do that anymore, though. I have long given up on the idea of looking for specifics in people. To me, it seems like it is all about the chemistry that you have with somebody. Specifics don’t really matter unless they are something that you feel really strongly about and is a deal breaker for you. For example, for some people, loyalty is a very important quality to have in a partner and something like infidelity is an automatic deal breaker. For me, personally, that isn’t all THAT important. I mean, if it is excessive or something it could be an issue but sexual transgressions don’t really make all that much of a difference to me. What does make a difference to me, though, is feeling as if the person I am with doesn’t care that much about me or that I am not important to them. If somebody is flippant about the things that are important to me or doesn’t give me the time and attention that I require, that is a deal breaker to me. I need somebody to make me feel adored. I need somebody who wants to spend their time with me and wants to know every little part of me, etc. That is something that is extremely important to me. Basically, I just want somebody who is really into me… just like I am. Just kidding.
In all honesty, I don’t know what I am looking for out of a man. All I know is that I haven’t found it yet and it is getting kind of annoying to go without it. I mean, in general, I get by just fine on my own. I have family and friends and people who I adore to help me get by but, as I have discussed quite frequently here, I don’t have that person who cares for me the most. I don’t have somebody in my life who puts me above other things. I don’t have somebody in my life who places me near the top of their list of priorities. That isn’t that big of a deal, I suppose, but it definitely sometimes leaves me feeling like I am floating out in the middle of a big empty space all by myself. Even though, like I mentioned before, the couples around me seem to be hanging on by threads I don’t want other people to be as alone as I am. I want them all to be happy. I don’t wish any ill will towards any of them and I hope they are able to resolve their issues. I just want somebody of my own. Even writing this blog makes me feel like one of those desperate girls I was talking about before. I hate that feeling. I am NOT desperate. I don’t need somebody else to come in and change my world. I don’t even want that. I just want somebody to be a complement to my world. I want somebody to enhance it, not change it. Sadly, I don’t feel overly optimistic about that whole concept at this point in my life. The main reason for this is the fact that, as I have mentioned here before, I don’t feel like what I have to offer is something that I would be interested in, therefore I don’t feel like it is something that anybody else will be all that impressed with being offered up, either. I wouldn’t say that this is a self-esteem issue because, as I said, I feel pretty great about myself and who I am. It is just a matter of knowing that what I am isn’t what I would want to date. It’s like that gay self-help book, “Finding The Boyfriend Within.” Okay, for a more common reference, it is like Ghandi said, (or was it the Dalai Lama?) “Be the change you want to see in the world.” It is not exactly like that – this is on a much smaller scale. I feel like I need to become what it is that I want out of somebody else. So, I need to make that happen.
Of course, it doesn’t help at all that I have fallen off of the workout wagon. I haven’t gotten any REAL exercise in almost a month. I was doing it pretty diligently every day for a long time but my trouble began the week of my brother’s wedding. I missed the first couple days of that week because I was off from work and getting up in the morning for work has always been one of the biggest parts of maintaining that sort of routine. Then we had family here, so I wasn’t working out in the mornings because they were all over the house in the morning and such. Then, since I had already missed so much of the week after my brother’s wedding I went ahead and skipped that entire week, as well. Then we found out about my Uncle. That threw everything into upheaval there for a while, especially with my Mom out of town and me having to go to work earlier than usual in order to ride with my sister in the morning. The week after that, though, there was really no excuse for. Now, we are in a new week. I didn’t work out today because I just felt exceptionally tired. I have felt exceptionally tired for the past few weeks. I know that not working out and feeling tired all the time definitely have to do with one another but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. This is particularly shitty because today I had a really good opportunity that I didn’t take. You see, last week my Mom finally went and joined the YouFit gym here in town and wanted me to go there with her this evening after work. She signed up for the $20 per month membership, (it’s usually $10 per month,) specifically because it allowed for you to bring a guest with you any time. That was especially sweet of her because she did that so I wouldn’t have to join myself and could just go with her. However, she has decided that she really wants to go in the mornings because she doesn’t want to be going there after 8pm every night. However, if she winds up getting this job at the county, (which we are still waiting for word back from – they said they would call her no matter what the decision was,) then we will have much more similar schedules and can orchestrate going daily much easier than we can now. Even more reason that she just absolutely must get this job. No matter what, though, I really have to get back to working out. There is too much at stake for me not to. You see, with what happened with my Uncle, there has been an added emphasis on trying to get into better shape right now. What happened to him was a direct effect of his weight. So, my entire family is really stressing to my Mom, my sister and I, who are all overweight, to do everything we can to get in better shape. Plus, like I said, I need to get myself to a point where I have something much closer to what I want out of another person to offer up. It is just all-around imperative that I get myself into better shape. I don’t know how I am going to get myself back to it but I am going to figure it out somehow.
In the meantime, though, it is 12:45am and I am exhausted. I don’t have to work tomorrow but I am exhausted from getting up so early today. I do want to mention before I do go, though, my makeup today. I was really keen on trying out all of the new stuff I picked up yesterday and so I did a really gorgeous golden/bronze look with my makeup, using the Stila “It Girl” palette that I got for $10 from Ulta yesterday. I applied that with my new Eco Tools brushes and capped it all off with my new Max Factor Vivid Impact mascara that was on clearance for only $1.99 at Ulta, as well. I just have to talk about this for a minute because it was gorgeous! The Eco Tools brushes worked beautifully! As soon as I finished my look, I thought to myself, “Those brushes kicked all of my other brushes’ asses!” They are so soft and comfortable in the hand and really got the job done so much better than most brushes I have used in the past. Particularly for blending, they did an amazing job. It was a pretty flawless look today. I watched a review on YouTube of the “It Girl” palette in which they said that the palette was a worthless piece of crap because the colors all blended into one funky gold color after a few hours. I wore that look from 8am-10pm today and the colors were still really vibrant and distinct when I took it off. Obviously, they faded some but they were still clearly defined and shimmering nearly as much as they did this morning. I also used the peachy/coral colored blush I mentioned yesterday and, I’m not sure why exactly, but it gives me this gorgeous tanned look that I am in love with. Also, I used my new Covergirl CG Smoothers Tinted Moisturizer today and, while it didn’t cover up blemishes or anything, it evened out my skin tone well, gave me a slight dewy glow and stayed on for most of the day. It was really nice. Like I said, I absolutely loved my makeup look today and I really couldn’t be happier with any of the products I purchased. Even the mascara looked much more natural and gave my lashes a great, full look. The best part about this mascara, though, is that it is double sided – the first side is a defining base coat, which is black and is used to define, volumize and separate the lashes, and the second side is a highlighting top coat, which is a silver color and adds just the slightest bit of sparkle to your look, which really makes the lashes and the eyes pop like crazy! I loved it. All of these products came together today to give me a really beautiful look that I felt pleased with all day long. That day is over now, though, my makeup has been removed and it is nearly 1am. I am really tired and I need to get to bed. Goodnight.
Sunday, June 27
Chapter 234: Summer Day
Today was a really good day. Today was the first day this year that I have really felt like, “Hey, it’s summer!” As I have discussed here a few times in the past, I have been feeling exceptionally excited for summer this year. I couldn’t really say why. I don’t have any special plans for this summer. I don’t even really have a very active social life – in fact, I probably have the least active social life I have ever had this summer. Still, there is just something about the summer this year that I am really into. Today was the first time I really saw much of a reason why. You know those classic concepts one has of the summertime, like warm weather and fun times and just kind of soaking up the sun and such? I didn’t have one of those days but I did have a lot of fun. Honestly, those classic concepts of summer, like going to the beach and barbecuing and shit like that really aren’t my style. I’d rather spend a day dressed in my cutest casual warm weather clothes, shopping and having a good time with my friends and such. Today was more of that kind of day, although not exactly.
The day started off earlier than expected. I crashed pretty late last night and wasn’t expecting to wake up until noon or so. So, I was very surprised when I woke up and looked at the clock – it was just after 10am. I wasn’t sure if my Mom was here still or if she had left for church yet, so I went out into the living room to see. She was still here. We talked for a minute and a I laid down on the couch and contemplated going back to sleep. Still, for one reason or another, I didn’t want to. Instead, I caught up on some more of the crap on my DVR. I watched this past week’s episode of “Pretty Little Liars,” which doesn’t seem to actually be going anywhere but is still enjoyable. When I say it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere I mean that it seems like they spent the pilot episode introducing plot points and then spent the next two episodes reiterating that those plot points are there. They haven’t moved them forward at all – they just keep reminding you that they’re there. It’s kind of silly. Still, it’s a cute show. I also watched an episode of “Victorious” from Nickelodeon. I love that show. It’s really cute and the lead actress, Victoria Justice, is gorgeous and funny. Also, there are a few underage hotties on that show and it makes me feel a little creepy to be watching it and thinking to myself, “That guy’s hot,” when I know he is portraying an underage character, whether or not the actor is of age. Anyway… Clearly, this morning was spent catching up on my silly, kid shows. I did that for a while before remembering that I fell asleep last night without finishing or posting last night’s blog. So, I did that until my Mom got home from church. She arrived home just as I was finishing up. I was still a little tired from the fact that I woke up so early and hadn’t gotten dressed or anything. I hadn’t done my morning skin care routine yet. I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet because I had run out of toothpaste. So, when my Mom got here and started talking about what we wanted to do today, I figured the first thing I needed to do was get into the bathroom and get myself dressed and looking cute. I squeezed out the very last bits of toothpaste that I had, washed my face and all the normal morning stuff, got myself dressed and did my hair and makeup.
I decided to keep it pretty simple today, in terms of makeup. Aside from a little concealer under my eyes and on this giant red blemish that popped up between my eyebrows yesterday, I didn’t put on any face makeup. For my eyes, because it is a summer day and I wanted to go with a bit of a summery look, I used my Urban Decay Summer Of Love palette and did a bronze/gold colored smoky eye look, complete with a “bronze” eyeliner I bought ages ago thinking it was just a regular brown. Once I discovered that it didn’t work quite like a normal brown liner and came out with this shimmering bronze color I didn’t find a lot of reasons to use it before. It was wintertime then and bronze wasn’t the hot look I was working with at the time. Now, on the other hand, I am kind of obsessed with bronze looks and this eyeliner worked beautifully with it. I really loved the way the look came out today, although I would kind of like to try out the look another time with a purple or pink colored liner or something to add some color to it. I think it could look even better with some color added. My Mom came into the bathroom while I was doing my makeup and brought something that she had in her bedroom and never even realized – a Victoria Jackson palette, complete with 12 eyeshadows, two lip colors and, my favorite part, two blushes. The best part is that one of the blushes is a much softer pink color than the one I have been using and the other was pretty much the exact peachy/coral color I have been talking about wanting to use. So, I threw some of that on my cheeks with the look I was wearing and it gave me a really cool, tanned look. It was gorgeous. My Mom even put some on, as well as a little bit of eyeshadow, and looked really good. So, we hopped in the car, threw some Sheryl Crow on the iPod, (because I feel like a lot of her music has a really summery vibe that I wanted to set a mood for the day,) and headed south. My only real goal for today’s trip out was to pick up two things – tinted moisturizer, as a lightweight and more summer-friendly replacement for my foundation, and more toothpaste. My Mom had bought a wireless router a while back from Wal-Mart and it didn’t work for her, so she wanted to go to Wal-Mart and return it. She bought it at the Wal-Mart north of us, on University, but we really wanted to head south today so we figured she could take it back to the Wal-Mart Super Center in Nokomis. We had both kind of decided that we wanted to get Panda Express for dinner, so we figured that Wal-Mart in Nokomis would be on our way.
On our way south I got a text message from my friend, Whitney, telling me that her work, Ulta, had a Stila large eyeshadow trio on sale for only $10. I had never used any Stila products before, mainly because they are $18 for a single eyeshadow normally, but always heard very good things about them. This brand is supposed to be comparable to MAC, so hearing about this kind of deal on a trio of eyeshadows I knew I had to go in there. Fortunately, we hadn’t made it that far south yet and I told my Mom I needed to stop there. When we pulled up to Ulta, there was a sign in the window that they were having a pretty big clearance sale right now. This piqued both of our attention and so we went in to check things out. Whitney was there and spent most of the time that we were in the store talking to us. I picked up the Stila trio, as well as the Covergirl tinted moisturizer I was planning to get while we were at Wal-Mart and two different sets of Eco Tools makeup brushes, which were buy one, get one free. So, let me first discuss the Stila trio. While we were in the store, they had a sample version of this trio out and all I had to do was dip my finger in it to know that I was in love. First of all, it is probably the softest eyeshadow I have ever touched. It felt so gentle and fine on my finger. Then I rubbed it onto my hand. This stuff is pigmented! It looks the same on your hand as it does in the pan. This is brilliant because most eyeshadows don’t do that well, as far as that goes. These ones were gorgeous, though. Then, the shades themselves were perfect. They were basically the same as the colors in my Urban Decay Summer Of Lover palette, only much more pigmented and less glittery, which is a major plus. My main complaint about all of the Urban Decay shadows has always been that they always seem to be more glitter than anything else, so the color doesn’t show up as well as it should and you have glitter flaking off constantly. Also, this palette has the bright gold color, (Maui Wowie by Urban Decay, Lame’ by Stile,) and the dark bronze color, (Smog by Urban Decay, Chloe by Stila,) but instead of a peachy/copper color, (Chopper by Urban Decay,) it comes with this gorgeous, shimmering champagne color called Kitten. It is gorgeous and I can’t wait to give that one a try. I already know that I am going to use it for many different looks. Let me also take a minute to talk about the Eco Tools brush sets I picked up. I got two sets of travel-sized brushes, because I kind of prefer the smaller size of travel brushes. I just feel like I have better control over the brushes in the smaller sizes. Anyway, the Eco Tools brush line is popular because it is all made of organic or recycled materials, which is definitely a good thing. Their handles are all made from bamboo and the sets each come with a travel case made from hemp. It is adorable. Also, these sets both contained several brushes that I have really needed and haven’t managed to get yet, like a proper blush brush and an angled face brush, which I was just talking about needing for proper contouring last night. The bristles on these brushes are incredibly soft and they fit perfectly into the contours of my face. I couldn’t be happier with these purchases today.
While I was checking out at Ulta, I suddenly felt somebody’s hand on my arm and I had no idea what was going on. My Mom and Whitney were both laughing at me. When I turned and looked, it was my dear friend April! Whitney had also text messaged her, letting her know about the Stila sale and she decided to stop in and pick it up. She had dyed her hair and was look gorgeous. I was really excited to see her because it had been a very long time and I was pretty upset that she and Devin didn’t get to come to my dinner part last night. So, we all sat and talked for a few minutes while I was checking out. We were mainly discussing next weekend’s Girl’s Night, which I am really looking forward. Whitney had mentioned wanting Rachel to come, and I told Rachel about it and she was really into the idea, as well. So, I asked April about it and she was cool with that, too. We were talking about maybe going out somewhere for drinks and just hanging out with just the four of us. Very “Sex & The City,” you know? I am really looking forward to that. It was just really good to get a chance to see April and talk with her for a few minutes. When I went outside, I saw that Devin was outside waiting in the car, so I went over and talked with him for a little bit, as well. It was all really cool and I don’t think I realized until seeing them briefly today how much I have really missed being around them all frequently. It was a lot of fun talking with them and I am very excited to try my best to do it more often moving forward. I also spent today telling them all about my upcoming birthday party and making sure everybody knows when it is so they can keep the date clear. I am really excited for that, too. I really need to get on the ball with planning it, though! The one thing that I do know is that I definitely want it to be bigger and better than last year was. I am really excited about it.
After leaving Ulta, and having spent more money than I probably should have, my Mom and I continued south, although we had accomplished everything I had needed to do and my Mom decided that she didn’t want to stop at the Wal-Mart in Nokomis because she would rather go back to the same location she bought the router from. So, basically, the only reason for going south was to go to Panda Express. I think we were both in the mood for driving and music, though, so it worked out well. Like I have discussed here many times in the past, my Mom and I always have our best talks and such while we are driving, so it was a lot of fun. Also, listening to Sheryl Crow in the car really got me excited for her upcoming album, which will be released the day after my birthday. In fact, one song that we listened to, a few times, that I had downloaded and put on my iPod but never really paid much attention to, was the first single from her new album, called “Summer Day.” It was the perfect song for a day like today. It is a really great song and has a really cool, old school soul sound, which works beautifully with Sheryl’s voice. We finally made it to Venice, picked up the food and got drinks from Sonic, then headed back to Sarasota, stopped at Wal-Mart and returned the router without issue and then headed back home. We got home shortly before 6pm. We ate dinner and watched “The Wedding Singer” on FX and just spent the evening relaxing. I adore Drew Barrymore and we have randomly been watching a lot of her movies lately, which is pretty cool. We watched “Never Been Kissed” sometime last week, which is probably my favorite movie of hers, and it kind of started us on a Drew Barrymore kick. After that, as I was winding down for the evening, we watched this week’s episode of “The Soup,” as well as “Kathy Griffin’s My Life On The D-List.” Once those were both over, it was just after 9pm and I figured I should get in here, write this blog and get myself to bed early. It is just about to turn 11pm and I am feeling pretty much ready for bed. I am ready to end the good day I had today and hope for just as good of one tomorrow. Unfortunately, I do have to go to work tomorrow but that doesn’t mean I have to have a bad day. After all, I have another four-day weekend after this week. I am looking forward to plenty more fun-filled, happy summer days like today coming up next weekend and in the rest of the weekends of the summer. So, with that, I bid you goodnight.
The day started off earlier than expected. I crashed pretty late last night and wasn’t expecting to wake up until noon or so. So, I was very surprised when I woke up and looked at the clock – it was just after 10am. I wasn’t sure if my Mom was here still or if she had left for church yet, so I went out into the living room to see. She was still here. We talked for a minute and a I laid down on the couch and contemplated going back to sleep. Still, for one reason or another, I didn’t want to. Instead, I caught up on some more of the crap on my DVR. I watched this past week’s episode of “Pretty Little Liars,” which doesn’t seem to actually be going anywhere but is still enjoyable. When I say it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere I mean that it seems like they spent the pilot episode introducing plot points and then spent the next two episodes reiterating that those plot points are there. They haven’t moved them forward at all – they just keep reminding you that they’re there. It’s kind of silly. Still, it’s a cute show. I also watched an episode of “Victorious” from Nickelodeon. I love that show. It’s really cute and the lead actress, Victoria Justice, is gorgeous and funny. Also, there are a few underage hotties on that show and it makes me feel a little creepy to be watching it and thinking to myself, “That guy’s hot,” when I know he is portraying an underage character, whether or not the actor is of age. Anyway… Clearly, this morning was spent catching up on my silly, kid shows. I did that for a while before remembering that I fell asleep last night without finishing or posting last night’s blog. So, I did that until my Mom got home from church. She arrived home just as I was finishing up. I was still a little tired from the fact that I woke up so early and hadn’t gotten dressed or anything. I hadn’t done my morning skin care routine yet. I hadn’t even brushed my teeth yet because I had run out of toothpaste. So, when my Mom got here and started talking about what we wanted to do today, I figured the first thing I needed to do was get into the bathroom and get myself dressed and looking cute. I squeezed out the very last bits of toothpaste that I had, washed my face and all the normal morning stuff, got myself dressed and did my hair and makeup.
I decided to keep it pretty simple today, in terms of makeup. Aside from a little concealer under my eyes and on this giant red blemish that popped up between my eyebrows yesterday, I didn’t put on any face makeup. For my eyes, because it is a summer day and I wanted to go with a bit of a summery look, I used my Urban Decay Summer Of Love palette and did a bronze/gold colored smoky eye look, complete with a “bronze” eyeliner I bought ages ago thinking it was just a regular brown. Once I discovered that it didn’t work quite like a normal brown liner and came out with this shimmering bronze color I didn’t find a lot of reasons to use it before. It was wintertime then and bronze wasn’t the hot look I was working with at the time. Now, on the other hand, I am kind of obsessed with bronze looks and this eyeliner worked beautifully with it. I really loved the way the look came out today, although I would kind of like to try out the look another time with a purple or pink colored liner or something to add some color to it. I think it could look even better with some color added. My Mom came into the bathroom while I was doing my makeup and brought something that she had in her bedroom and never even realized – a Victoria Jackson palette, complete with 12 eyeshadows, two lip colors and, my favorite part, two blushes. The best part is that one of the blushes is a much softer pink color than the one I have been using and the other was pretty much the exact peachy/coral color I have been talking about wanting to use. So, I threw some of that on my cheeks with the look I was wearing and it gave me a really cool, tanned look. It was gorgeous. My Mom even put some on, as well as a little bit of eyeshadow, and looked really good. So, we hopped in the car, threw some Sheryl Crow on the iPod, (because I feel like a lot of her music has a really summery vibe that I wanted to set a mood for the day,) and headed south. My only real goal for today’s trip out was to pick up two things – tinted moisturizer, as a lightweight and more summer-friendly replacement for my foundation, and more toothpaste. My Mom had bought a wireless router a while back from Wal-Mart and it didn’t work for her, so she wanted to go to Wal-Mart and return it. She bought it at the Wal-Mart north of us, on University, but we really wanted to head south today so we figured she could take it back to the Wal-Mart Super Center in Nokomis. We had both kind of decided that we wanted to get Panda Express for dinner, so we figured that Wal-Mart in Nokomis would be on our way.
On our way south I got a text message from my friend, Whitney, telling me that her work, Ulta, had a Stila large eyeshadow trio on sale for only $10. I had never used any Stila products before, mainly because they are $18 for a single eyeshadow normally, but always heard very good things about them. This brand is supposed to be comparable to MAC, so hearing about this kind of deal on a trio of eyeshadows I knew I had to go in there. Fortunately, we hadn’t made it that far south yet and I told my Mom I needed to stop there. When we pulled up to Ulta, there was a sign in the window that they were having a pretty big clearance sale right now. This piqued both of our attention and so we went in to check things out. Whitney was there and spent most of the time that we were in the store talking to us. I picked up the Stila trio, as well as the Covergirl tinted moisturizer I was planning to get while we were at Wal-Mart and two different sets of Eco Tools makeup brushes, which were buy one, get one free. So, let me first discuss the Stila trio. While we were in the store, they had a sample version of this trio out and all I had to do was dip my finger in it to know that I was in love. First of all, it is probably the softest eyeshadow I have ever touched. It felt so gentle and fine on my finger. Then I rubbed it onto my hand. This stuff is pigmented! It looks the same on your hand as it does in the pan. This is brilliant because most eyeshadows don’t do that well, as far as that goes. These ones were gorgeous, though. Then, the shades themselves were perfect. They were basically the same as the colors in my Urban Decay Summer Of Lover palette, only much more pigmented and less glittery, which is a major plus. My main complaint about all of the Urban Decay shadows has always been that they always seem to be more glitter than anything else, so the color doesn’t show up as well as it should and you have glitter flaking off constantly. Also, this palette has the bright gold color, (Maui Wowie by Urban Decay, Lame’ by Stile,) and the dark bronze color, (Smog by Urban Decay, Chloe by Stila,) but instead of a peachy/copper color, (Chopper by Urban Decay,) it comes with this gorgeous, shimmering champagne color called Kitten. It is gorgeous and I can’t wait to give that one a try. I already know that I am going to use it for many different looks. Let me also take a minute to talk about the Eco Tools brush sets I picked up. I got two sets of travel-sized brushes, because I kind of prefer the smaller size of travel brushes. I just feel like I have better control over the brushes in the smaller sizes. Anyway, the Eco Tools brush line is popular because it is all made of organic or recycled materials, which is definitely a good thing. Their handles are all made from bamboo and the sets each come with a travel case made from hemp. It is adorable. Also, these sets both contained several brushes that I have really needed and haven’t managed to get yet, like a proper blush brush and an angled face brush, which I was just talking about needing for proper contouring last night. The bristles on these brushes are incredibly soft and they fit perfectly into the contours of my face. I couldn’t be happier with these purchases today.
While I was checking out at Ulta, I suddenly felt somebody’s hand on my arm and I had no idea what was going on. My Mom and Whitney were both laughing at me. When I turned and looked, it was my dear friend April! Whitney had also text messaged her, letting her know about the Stila sale and she decided to stop in and pick it up. She had dyed her hair and was look gorgeous. I was really excited to see her because it had been a very long time and I was pretty upset that she and Devin didn’t get to come to my dinner part last night. So, we all sat and talked for a few minutes while I was checking out. We were mainly discussing next weekend’s Girl’s Night, which I am really looking forward. Whitney had mentioned wanting Rachel to come, and I told Rachel about it and she was really into the idea, as well. So, I asked April about it and she was cool with that, too. We were talking about maybe going out somewhere for drinks and just hanging out with just the four of us. Very “Sex & The City,” you know? I am really looking forward to that. It was just really good to get a chance to see April and talk with her for a few minutes. When I went outside, I saw that Devin was outside waiting in the car, so I went over and talked with him for a little bit, as well. It was all really cool and I don’t think I realized until seeing them briefly today how much I have really missed being around them all frequently. It was a lot of fun talking with them and I am very excited to try my best to do it more often moving forward. I also spent today telling them all about my upcoming birthday party and making sure everybody knows when it is so they can keep the date clear. I am really excited for that, too. I really need to get on the ball with planning it, though! The one thing that I do know is that I definitely want it to be bigger and better than last year was. I am really excited about it.
After leaving Ulta, and having spent more money than I probably should have, my Mom and I continued south, although we had accomplished everything I had needed to do and my Mom decided that she didn’t want to stop at the Wal-Mart in Nokomis because she would rather go back to the same location she bought the router from. So, basically, the only reason for going south was to go to Panda Express. I think we were both in the mood for driving and music, though, so it worked out well. Like I have discussed here many times in the past, my Mom and I always have our best talks and such while we are driving, so it was a lot of fun. Also, listening to Sheryl Crow in the car really got me excited for her upcoming album, which will be released the day after my birthday. In fact, one song that we listened to, a few times, that I had downloaded and put on my iPod but never really paid much attention to, was the first single from her new album, called “Summer Day.” It was the perfect song for a day like today. It is a really great song and has a really cool, old school soul sound, which works beautifully with Sheryl’s voice. We finally made it to Venice, picked up the food and got drinks from Sonic, then headed back to Sarasota, stopped at Wal-Mart and returned the router without issue and then headed back home. We got home shortly before 6pm. We ate dinner and watched “The Wedding Singer” on FX and just spent the evening relaxing. I adore Drew Barrymore and we have randomly been watching a lot of her movies lately, which is pretty cool. We watched “Never Been Kissed” sometime last week, which is probably my favorite movie of hers, and it kind of started us on a Drew Barrymore kick. After that, as I was winding down for the evening, we watched this week’s episode of “The Soup,” as well as “Kathy Griffin’s My Life On The D-List.” Once those were both over, it was just after 9pm and I figured I should get in here, write this blog and get myself to bed early. It is just about to turn 11pm and I am feeling pretty much ready for bed. I am ready to end the good day I had today and hope for just as good of one tomorrow. Unfortunately, I do have to go to work tomorrow but that doesn’t mean I have to have a bad day. After all, I have another four-day weekend after this week. I am looking forward to plenty more fun-filled, happy summer days like today coming up next weekend and in the rest of the weekends of the summer. So, with that, I bid you goodnight.
Chapter 233: Sometimes I Forget
I want to preface tonight’s blog by letting you guys know a little something about yesterday’s blog post. Yesterday, I posted a video blog further discussing the Kylie Minogue album, “Aphrodite.” This video blog happened to play three tracks from the album, “Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love,)” “Too Much” and “Aphrodite.” Much to my surprise, although I shouldn’t really be all that surprised, I received a text this evening from my dear friend, Richie, (who I forgot to wish a Happy Birthday to – Sorry!) telling me that he was trying to watch the video and it had been blocked by EMI Records, Kylie’s record label, due to copyright infringement. I went on to YouTube to try to do the Audio Swap thing they have on there but that replaced the entire audio track, which included my speaking. So, for now the video remains blocked. I am guessing that the only option I really have is to re-upload it without the music tracks included. It kind of sucks and I’m not sure that I will even bother doing that – we’ll see. My apologies to anybody who actually wanted to watch the video blog from yesterday. It apparently only got two views on YouTube before being taken down, so pretty much nobody got to see it. That sucks. Oh well, though.
I woke up this morning at 8:30am, which is considerably earlier than I usually wake on the weekend. It makes sense, though, because I fell asleep around 12:30am last night while the video blog was uploading. It was one of those rare nights where I didn’t intend to fall asleep just yet – I just happened to lay in my bed while doing something else and it just kind of wound up happening. I slept really well, though, so I am glad for it. I didn’t really have any plans for the day time since my Mom is now working on Saturdays, so I got up, did my morning skincare routine and such, then sat down in front of the TV to catch up on some stuff on the DVR. I watched last night’s episode of “The Soup,” as well as a couple of episodes of “The View” that I missed this week. It was a pretty laidback morning. I had chicken and waffles for breakfast and spent most of the morning time, until around 2pm, watching TV. Then I went into the bathroom and took a shower, shaved and got dressed. I sat down then to do my makeup for the day and decided to experiment a little bit again with blush, contouring and highlighting. It came out looking a little crazy. Actually, it didn’t really look that bad. The more I looked at it the more I felt like it was pretty decent looking. Still, it did look like I was wearing really heavy makeup. It made me think of the time I tried it before and my Mom told me I looked like I was wearing stage makeup. I really loved the eye look I did with that and kind of wanted to keep that on but I couldn’t manage to remove all the rest of the makeup without screwing up the eyes. The whole thing made me feel really depressed and I’m not sure why. The thing is, as I have mentioned a bit here, I have been considering the possibility of getting my GED and trying to go to school for Cosmetology. If I can’t even figure out how to contour my own face, how in the world can I expect to do anything with anybody else’s face? It is really silly of me to get upset over that whole concept, though, because I know exactly why it didn’t look quite right – I don’t have the right tools or products for it. I just used an eye shadow in a shade that was probably considerably darker than one with my skin tone should use for contouring, which kind of made a mess. Plus, I just used a small blush brush for this. Every YouTube makeup guru knows that you need to use a larger, angled brush for proper contouring. I don’t have one of those currently. I need to get one. I also need to get some bronzer, which would be the proper product to use for contouring. Also, I only have one shade of blush – Hookup from Urban Decay, which is a pretty bright pink color. This works well for certain looks but not for every look. I definitely need to pick up some other blush colors. I really want to get one of those peachy/coral colored blushes that are all the rage lately. What I have decided I really need, and may try to pick up tomorrow if I can find it, is a tinted moisturizer. Foundation is cool for the winter and such but in Florida, in the summertime, you really can’t use the normal type of foundation. A few different people have recommended Mineral Powder foundations but the idea of a powder foundation kind of freaks me out and mineral makeup has all kinds of special rules that I am concerned about. So, a tinted moisturizer seems like the best way to go for me. I have been doing a little research on YouTube and such and there is one from Covergirl that sounds great, so I am thinking I may pick that up tomorrow.
After my initial attempt at makeup for today, I removed it all and did it over again. Then, I felt shitty about that look, as well, so I took it off and put on another. I wound up doing 5 different looks today before settling on one that I liked. Even that one I wasn’t happy with because it was the same look I have been doing more often than any other later. I don’t necessarily know if it was my makeup troubles that caused me to start feeling depressed today but whatever started it, it stuck around for quite a while. Once my Mom got home, she was saying that she was really hungry and wanted to go out and get something to eat. We also needed to go to Walgreen’s so I could get my rent money out of the ATM and I had really wanted Starbucks last night but we didn’t go, so my Mom wanted to go there today. The thing is, when she got off at 4:30pm, she had to make a couple of phone calls. It was nearly 5:30pm before we actually left the house and I felt the need to rush. You see, I had made plans with Nate, Whitney and Rachel to have a little dinner party tonight and was planning on them all arriving around 7-7:30pm. I had a couple of dishes that needed to bake for a while, so I really needed to get everything prepared fairly early. It was nearly 6:30pm when we got home and I immediately went to preparing dinner. My Mom wasn’t feeling so great and was really tired from the day, so she went into her room to take a nap. Shortly after 7pm, people started arriving. Fortunately, by the time everybody arrived, dinner was just about ready. I prepared a lovely meal of baked pork chops, this twice-baked potato casserole sort of dish and these really great green beans made with Worcestershire Sauce. It was a really good dinner, if I do say so myself. I enjoyed it a lot. Unfortunately, it seemed like there was some tension between a couple of my guests and it kind of took a bit of effort to keep everybody entertained and focused on other things. One really good thing about this evening, though, is that I kind of got to really sit and talk with my friend Nate a lot more than I have in a long time. That was a really nice thing that I enjoyed a lot. Also, Rachel and Whitney kind of got to spend a little time together. They have met before but haven’t really gotten to talk too much and they spent most of the evening talking amongst themselves. I think they could be really good friends to each other, so I was really glad to see them hitting it off so well. In spite of any tensions that may have gone on between anybody, I feel like it was a really successful dinner party. Everybody had a pretty great time and I enjoyed myself. Plus, I had a lot to drink. That was a good thing, too.
***I fell asleep before I finished this blog, so it is now Sunday, shortly after noon.***
I don’t drink very often at all and, in general, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything because of it. I see these people, particularly working at FSP, (my new nickname for my job – it stands for “For Security Purposes,”) who make it the main focal point of any evening or weekend plans. They’ll be at work, talking all excitedly about how they’re going to go get drunk tonight. I don’t really feel like it’s something to be all that excited about or look forward to. I also really don’t like having friends who you only drink with. I used to have quite a few friends like that and I feel like you get to a point where you have to question whether or not there’s any actual connection with these people beyond the fact that you all like to drink. I don’t really feel like being drunk is a positive feeling, in general, although it can be fun sometimes. I just don’t think it should ever be the main goal of any outing or evening with friends or whatever. Last night is a great example of that. It was a dinner party. We all had dinner and talked and such, then got a little tipsy. I don’t know – I had a really good time last night and I am really glad that people came over. It was a success, as far as I am concerned.
It really got me thinking, though, about this song by Agnes. I mentioned Agnes in last week’s video blog. She is a Swedish pop star who is getting ready to break America in a big way. I discovered her on the Logo New Now Next Awards and have fallen in love with her album, called “Dance Love Pop.” Her music is really gay dance music but more mainstream and poppy than, say, Lady Gaga. A lot of it has a really great sound like a modernized version of classic disco music. I love it. Her album only has two ballads on it and one of them, my favorite track on her album, is called “Sometimes I Forget.” This is a song I can relate to a lot. It is basically a song about not expressing the way that you feel about people in your life. The chorus says, “Sometimes I forget, sometimes I don’t think to show the things I feel and to tell you what I mean, but there is not a day that ever passes by that I don’t thank God that I’ve got you in my life.” It’s a really beautiful song and the sentiment of that chorus is really something that I know very well. Hanging out with my friends last night, Whitney, Nate and Rachel, really kind of reminded me that sometimes I do forget to let the people that I care about know that I do genuinely care about them and appreciate them being a part of my life. I would like to take this time now to let anybody who may be reading this blog know how much I love and appreciate them. If you are taking the time to read this, I assume you must be somebody who I care about or who cares about me. Even if I don’t actually know you and you just stumbled upon this on the Internet, I truly appreciate your taking the time to read this. I have always believed that the point of our existence on earth is to make a connection and somehow be an inspiration to others, so if you are taking the time to read this it means that we have, in some small way, connected and I truly appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to enter into your mind, even if you never read another blog from me. As for the people who are actually in my life, who I deal with day to day or who I don’t deal with as often as I would like, I truly love and appreciate every single one of you. You all have made a major difference in my life in one way or another and I appreciate that. I also appreciate you all allowing me the opportunity to return the favor in any way I can.
For now, though, it is nearly 1pm and my Mom should be home from church very soon. I need to go get dressed and groomed for the day. I don’t really have any major plans today but I assume we will go drive and I think we need to run some errands and such, so I need to get myself looking alright to be seen in public. After all, you never know who you might bump into out in the world – it’s important to always be looking the best you can. So, I am off to do that. I’ll be back this evening.
I woke up this morning at 8:30am, which is considerably earlier than I usually wake on the weekend. It makes sense, though, because I fell asleep around 12:30am last night while the video blog was uploading. It was one of those rare nights where I didn’t intend to fall asleep just yet – I just happened to lay in my bed while doing something else and it just kind of wound up happening. I slept really well, though, so I am glad for it. I didn’t really have any plans for the day time since my Mom is now working on Saturdays, so I got up, did my morning skincare routine and such, then sat down in front of the TV to catch up on some stuff on the DVR. I watched last night’s episode of “The Soup,” as well as a couple of episodes of “The View” that I missed this week. It was a pretty laidback morning. I had chicken and waffles for breakfast and spent most of the morning time, until around 2pm, watching TV. Then I went into the bathroom and took a shower, shaved and got dressed. I sat down then to do my makeup for the day and decided to experiment a little bit again with blush, contouring and highlighting. It came out looking a little crazy. Actually, it didn’t really look that bad. The more I looked at it the more I felt like it was pretty decent looking. Still, it did look like I was wearing really heavy makeup. It made me think of the time I tried it before and my Mom told me I looked like I was wearing stage makeup. I really loved the eye look I did with that and kind of wanted to keep that on but I couldn’t manage to remove all the rest of the makeup without screwing up the eyes. The whole thing made me feel really depressed and I’m not sure why. The thing is, as I have mentioned a bit here, I have been considering the possibility of getting my GED and trying to go to school for Cosmetology. If I can’t even figure out how to contour my own face, how in the world can I expect to do anything with anybody else’s face? It is really silly of me to get upset over that whole concept, though, because I know exactly why it didn’t look quite right – I don’t have the right tools or products for it. I just used an eye shadow in a shade that was probably considerably darker than one with my skin tone should use for contouring, which kind of made a mess. Plus, I just used a small blush brush for this. Every YouTube makeup guru knows that you need to use a larger, angled brush for proper contouring. I don’t have one of those currently. I need to get one. I also need to get some bronzer, which would be the proper product to use for contouring. Also, I only have one shade of blush – Hookup from Urban Decay, which is a pretty bright pink color. This works well for certain looks but not for every look. I definitely need to pick up some other blush colors. I really want to get one of those peachy/coral colored blushes that are all the rage lately. What I have decided I really need, and may try to pick up tomorrow if I can find it, is a tinted moisturizer. Foundation is cool for the winter and such but in Florida, in the summertime, you really can’t use the normal type of foundation. A few different people have recommended Mineral Powder foundations but the idea of a powder foundation kind of freaks me out and mineral makeup has all kinds of special rules that I am concerned about. So, a tinted moisturizer seems like the best way to go for me. I have been doing a little research on YouTube and such and there is one from Covergirl that sounds great, so I am thinking I may pick that up tomorrow.
After my initial attempt at makeup for today, I removed it all and did it over again. Then, I felt shitty about that look, as well, so I took it off and put on another. I wound up doing 5 different looks today before settling on one that I liked. Even that one I wasn’t happy with because it was the same look I have been doing more often than any other later. I don’t necessarily know if it was my makeup troubles that caused me to start feeling depressed today but whatever started it, it stuck around for quite a while. Once my Mom got home, she was saying that she was really hungry and wanted to go out and get something to eat. We also needed to go to Walgreen’s so I could get my rent money out of the ATM and I had really wanted Starbucks last night but we didn’t go, so my Mom wanted to go there today. The thing is, when she got off at 4:30pm, she had to make a couple of phone calls. It was nearly 5:30pm before we actually left the house and I felt the need to rush. You see, I had made plans with Nate, Whitney and Rachel to have a little dinner party tonight and was planning on them all arriving around 7-7:30pm. I had a couple of dishes that needed to bake for a while, so I really needed to get everything prepared fairly early. It was nearly 6:30pm when we got home and I immediately went to preparing dinner. My Mom wasn’t feeling so great and was really tired from the day, so she went into her room to take a nap. Shortly after 7pm, people started arriving. Fortunately, by the time everybody arrived, dinner was just about ready. I prepared a lovely meal of baked pork chops, this twice-baked potato casserole sort of dish and these really great green beans made with Worcestershire Sauce. It was a really good dinner, if I do say so myself. I enjoyed it a lot. Unfortunately, it seemed like there was some tension between a couple of my guests and it kind of took a bit of effort to keep everybody entertained and focused on other things. One really good thing about this evening, though, is that I kind of got to really sit and talk with my friend Nate a lot more than I have in a long time. That was a really nice thing that I enjoyed a lot. Also, Rachel and Whitney kind of got to spend a little time together. They have met before but haven’t really gotten to talk too much and they spent most of the evening talking amongst themselves. I think they could be really good friends to each other, so I was really glad to see them hitting it off so well. In spite of any tensions that may have gone on between anybody, I feel like it was a really successful dinner party. Everybody had a pretty great time and I enjoyed myself. Plus, I had a lot to drink. That was a good thing, too.
***I fell asleep before I finished this blog, so it is now Sunday, shortly after noon.***
I don’t drink very often at all and, in general, I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything because of it. I see these people, particularly working at FSP, (my new nickname for my job – it stands for “For Security Purposes,”) who make it the main focal point of any evening or weekend plans. They’ll be at work, talking all excitedly about how they’re going to go get drunk tonight. I don’t really feel like it’s something to be all that excited about or look forward to. I also really don’t like having friends who you only drink with. I used to have quite a few friends like that and I feel like you get to a point where you have to question whether or not there’s any actual connection with these people beyond the fact that you all like to drink. I don’t really feel like being drunk is a positive feeling, in general, although it can be fun sometimes. I just don’t think it should ever be the main goal of any outing or evening with friends or whatever. Last night is a great example of that. It was a dinner party. We all had dinner and talked and such, then got a little tipsy. I don’t know – I had a really good time last night and I am really glad that people came over. It was a success, as far as I am concerned.
It really got me thinking, though, about this song by Agnes. I mentioned Agnes in last week’s video blog. She is a Swedish pop star who is getting ready to break America in a big way. I discovered her on the Logo New Now Next Awards and have fallen in love with her album, called “Dance Love Pop.” Her music is really gay dance music but more mainstream and poppy than, say, Lady Gaga. A lot of it has a really great sound like a modernized version of classic disco music. I love it. Her album only has two ballads on it and one of them, my favorite track on her album, is called “Sometimes I Forget.” This is a song I can relate to a lot. It is basically a song about not expressing the way that you feel about people in your life. The chorus says, “Sometimes I forget, sometimes I don’t think to show the things I feel and to tell you what I mean, but there is not a day that ever passes by that I don’t thank God that I’ve got you in my life.” It’s a really beautiful song and the sentiment of that chorus is really something that I know very well. Hanging out with my friends last night, Whitney, Nate and Rachel, really kind of reminded me that sometimes I do forget to let the people that I care about know that I do genuinely care about them and appreciate them being a part of my life. I would like to take this time now to let anybody who may be reading this blog know how much I love and appreciate them. If you are taking the time to read this, I assume you must be somebody who I care about or who cares about me. Even if I don’t actually know you and you just stumbled upon this on the Internet, I truly appreciate your taking the time to read this. I have always believed that the point of our existence on earth is to make a connection and somehow be an inspiration to others, so if you are taking the time to read this it means that we have, in some small way, connected and I truly appreciate you allowing me the opportunity to enter into your mind, even if you never read another blog from me. As for the people who are actually in my life, who I deal with day to day or who I don’t deal with as often as I would like, I truly love and appreciate every single one of you. You all have made a major difference in my life in one way or another and I appreciate that. I also appreciate you all allowing me the opportunity to return the favor in any way I can.
For now, though, it is nearly 1pm and my Mom should be home from church very soon. I need to go get dressed and groomed for the day. I don’t really have any major plans today but I assume we will go drive and I think we need to run some errands and such, so I need to get myself looking alright to be seen in public. After all, you never know who you might bump into out in the world – it’s important to always be looking the best you can. So, I am off to do that. I’ll be back this evening.
Saturday, June 26
Friday, June 25
Chapter 231: Aphrodite
Okay, so today marks a very momentous occasion. Something HUGE has happened – something that is going to become the focal point for this entire blog tonight. Since this monumental occasion is going to be such a focus in tonight’s blog, I wanted to take a moment beforehand to discuss a few other things that went on today. Sure, all of these things have been completely dwarfed by this major event that took place today but they still bear mentioning. First of all, I actually woke up on time today, which is a plus. I dicked around online for a while before heading into the bathroom to do my hair and makeup for the day, and I emerged from the bathroom about 30 minutes later feeling pretty damn hot. I did want to mention the fact that I have kind of been considering trying to do my very first You Tube makeup tutorial. On Tuesday, when I was off from work, I stumbled upon the premiere of Kelly Rowland’s video for her new international dance single, “Commander,” which I have been in love with for months. The video is pretty basic stuff but one thing that really stood out to me about this video was her makeup. There was this one scene in particular where she was wearing this really gorgeous look with a shimmery peach/bronze color on her eyelids, with bright silver on the inner corners and a very thin, dark black line all the way across the crease in her eye. It was kind of an unusual look but I loved the look of it and decided that I would like to try it out. I kind of thought about it and decided that it would be a good look to do for my first makeup tutorial. So, I decided to try wearing the look today to see how well I could recreate what she had going on in the video. I must say, I felt like it came out really well and definitely intend to try to put together a tutorial of this look sometime in the near future. I like it a lot. I just haven’t quite figured out the logistics of filming myself doing makeup yet. I haven’t had the time to really sit down and sort out how it would all work out just yet but I definitely intend to give it a shot over the weekend or something. Work was a bore today. The highlight of the early part of my day was finishing the first book in the “Gossip Girl” series and moving on to the second. I really like these books, actually. I love that they are actually kind of like individual episodes of the television show. Seriously, the entire first book was the pilot episode of the television show. The characters, while being similar, are a lot different from their television counterparts, which kind of gives you a different perspective on the characters you have come to know on the series. It is a good thing. I also received notification in my email yesterday that the next DVD in my Netflix queue had been shipped to me and should be arriving today. This film, entitled “Starrbooty,” was a star vehicle for RuPaul, which she co-wrote, produced and starred in. It was really… something. I actually really enjoyed it. It was hilarious and completely over the top. The acting was awful but it was kind of intentionally so. “Starrbooty” is the story of FBI/Supermodel Starrbooty, who has to go undercover as a prostitute in order to save her adopted niece, Corniesha, from her kidnappers, who run a prostitution ring. It really comes across as less of a full-length, cohesive film than as just a series of silly vignettes starring RuPaul and a group of random men doing full-frontal nudity. It also co-starred Candis Cayne, the gorgeous transgendered actress from ABC’s “Dirty Sexy Money,” etc. It was hilarious. My Mother didn’t think quite so much of it. Her direct quote after the movie ended was, “That was lame!” I don’t know… I enjoyed it. I do feel like there were a lot of scenes added into this film solely for the purpose of promoting RuPaul’s music. Hell, she was writer and executive producer, why not promote your other projects while you can?
Anyway, like I said, there was a monumental event that took place today that has really been the highlight of this day. It is something I have been waiting a very long time for yet wasn’t expecting to have happened quite so soon. I knew it was coming, I’ve been looking forward to it and keeping an eye out, but I didn’t realize the time would come quite so quickly. What happened? Kylie Minogue’s eleventh studio album, “Aphrodite,” has LEAKED. Oh my God, I don’t know how to explain my feelings on this having happened. I still haven’t even gotten to full absorb the Scissor Sisters’ “Night Work” leaking and here I am with the new Kylie already. I have been feeling pretty down recently, though, and when I received the text from my dear friend Richie that the album had leaked, it felt like exactly what I needed right now in my life. So, as soon as I got home from work the very first thing I did was rush to the computer to download the album. Unfortunately, I got stuck at work late and my Mom wasn’t able to bring me home on her break. My sister’s girlfriend was still there but she had to go to some big upper management dinner thing and wasn’t able to bring me home, either. Fortunately, she called my sister for me, since I wasn’t able to get through to her, and had her come pick me up. I didn’t get home until 6:50pm. At lunch today, my Mom asked me to make dinner tonight and I was determined to get it done before she came home. That meant that I needed to have it started earlier than I usually do. The album took a little time to download and by the time it finished, I was already behind on getting dinner started. I thought about taking my iPod speakers into the kitchen and listening while I cooked but I didn’t want to do it that way. I wanted my first time listening to the album in full to be a time when I could full focus on listening to it and nothing else. So, now that I have done that, let’s discuss it in detail.
The album opens with the lead single from the album, “All The Lovers,” which is by far my favorite song of the summer. It is gorgeous. This song, for those who have yet to hear it, is dance to its core. The beautiful thing about this song, in terms of the instrumentation, is its simplicity. It starts out in a slow/mid-tempo range and builds up to this big, joyous chorus. My favorite part of the entire song is the break between the repeat of the first verse and the final chorus, where the music takes a particularly upbeat turn and just kind of goes crazy for a minute. The best word to describe “All The Lovers” is definitely joyous. It’s lyrics are simple but say everything they need to, with a simple chorus of “All the lovers that have gone before they don’t compare to you, don’t be frightened, just give me a little bit more, they don’t compare, all the lovers.” It is simple, yet beautiful. It brings a smile to my face every time I hear it, which has been a LOT over the past couple of months. The second song on the album is called “Get Outta My Way,” and I adore this song, as well. This song also starts a trend that I see throughout much of the album – something in the instrumentation and the melody of this song reminds me a LOT of something from Kylie’s earliest works with Stock/Aitken/Waterman. It’s still dance music but the song doesn’t feel like it was constructed as a dance song but as a straight up pop song. It is a very nice change from the past few albums Kylie has done. It almost has an 80s feel to it, even. I just adore this song. This is a pretty simple song, too, as is generally the tradition with pop music. It is basically a song about a woman trying to get what she needs from a man and letting him know that if he isn’t going to give it to her she is going to go out and get it from somebody else. Think “Single Ladies” if it weren’t kind of moronic. The third track is one of my favorites, as well. It is called “Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)” and it also kind of has the feel of Kylie’s early pop work, although it is a bit more dance than “Get Outta My Way.” It is simply a song celebrating the joy of feeling love. I can’t wait to see what this song would be like in the live setting because I have all kinds of concepts in my head about the type of crowd interaction she could do with a performance of this song. I don’t know how else to explain it but it is also a very joyous song but the word I would probably use to describe this one more would be fun. It is a lot of fun. The fourth track gets a little darker, in terms of tone and the sound of the music. The album up to this point would definitely be defined more as light but this song is definitely darker. It is called “Closer,” and it is a song about wanting to get closer to the person you love. It is similar, in lyrical theme, to my favorite song on the new Scissor Sisters record, “Skin Tight.” I am listening to the album straight through now for the second time in a row and just based on these two listens, this would probably be my least favorite song on the record. I love it, as an individual Kylie song and think it would have worked great on the “Body Language” album but it just doesn’t seem to fit the general vibe of this record as much as it could. Still, like I said, I do really like this song. The fifth song on the album is called “Everything Is Beautiful.” I love this song. Once again, it has much less of a dance vibe and much more of a straight forward pop sound. The chorus of this one is really sweet. “If I lie with you long enough I can see the things I’m dreaming of, Let’s go through the ritual until everything is beautiful.” It is a beautiful sentiment and one of those songs that you listen to and feel like, “I want that.” The sixth song on the record is the title track, “Aphrodite,” which starts with this really fun, catchy repeat of the line, “Can you feel me on your stereo?” letting you know right off the bat that this song is going to be pure fun. The chorus of this song further proves that with the line, “I feel so big and mighty, I’m a golden girl, I’m an Aphrodite, alright, alright.” It is essentially one of those songs that most female pop artists have done at one point or another, celebrating your own greatness. In the case of this song, using the term “I’m an Aphrodite” really takes that sentiment to another level. It’s like saying, “I am a Goddess.” I believe every women and many men, myself included, feel like they have a little bit of Goddess in them, so why not celebrate it? The seventh song on the record is called “Illusion,” and it also has a slightly darker sound than much of the rest of the album. The chorus is really simple but says so much with just two lines, “I’m surrounded by confusion & I’m lost in this illusion.” It is basically a song about being in a relationship that you have to question the sincerity of, which is a concept that I can definitely relate to. The eighth song on the record is another favorite of mine, called “Better Than Today.” This is another of those really joyous sounding tracks. My favorite lines from this song are in the chorus when she asks, “What’s the point of living if you don’t take a chance?” and “What’s the point of living if you don’t want to dance?” This song is all about doing what you can to make sure that your tomorrow is better than today. It is a really positive message to spread and I love the fact that Kylie, after everything she has been through with surviving breast cancer and such, has made it a point to include songs like this on her past two albums. Yes, this song is kind of like the “X” track “No More Rain.” It is a joyful celebration of life, which I am very grateful for at this point in my life. It is good to hear a song like this to remind you that life is a gift. The ninth track on the album is my very favorite, based on my two listens so far. As I predicted, based on the 30-second clips of the songs that leaked a couple weeks ago, this song is just ridiculously fun and puts a huge smile on my face listening to it. This song also has a slightly darker sound than the rest of the record, although it definitely has a light sound to it, as well. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but the instrumentation includes really heavy bass with a lot of airier, more lighthearted sounds scattered over it. This is also the only song on the record that includes a co-writing credit to Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters, as well as being produced by Calvin Harris, who I love. It is a gorgeous mix of Kylie’s sound with a whole lot of Calvin Harris’ stamp all over it. I was really happy with the fact that it didn’t sound similar to her previous works with Scissor Sisters, like “I Believe In You” and “White Diamond,” which are two of my favorite Kylie song but that have a very similar sound to one another. This one doesn’t sound a thing like those and I love that about it. The tenth track on the album is one that I wasn’t too sure about, based on the title, but am really impressed with. It is called “Cupid Boy,” and kind of adds a little more to the Greek mythology theme to the record. One thing that I love about this song is how it changes tempo and general vibe several times throughout it’s four and a half minutes. My favorite part is this little breakdown that comes before each chorus that says, “Why don’t you thrill me like you did before? Why don’t you give me a little bit more? Why don’t you call me, start hitting me up?” This is a song about finding love and trying to hang on to it. This song also has a lot of little synthesized vocal effects throughout it, which I am normally not a fan of but which I appreciate in this case as they are simply added to enhance the effect of the song. It all comes together beautifully. I also love the fact that this song both begins and ends with a very soft, pretty basic bass guitar riff. It adds a really cool effect. The eleventh song on the album is another favorite of mine called “Looking For An Angel.” It is a very joyful, ethereal sounding song about, just as the title states, looking for an angel. This is the song on the album that I think most falls into that same light, airy, pretty dance category that “All The Lovers” would fall into. I absolutely love it. The twelfth and final track on the album is probably my second favorite, after “Too Much.” It is called “Can’t Beat The Feeling.” This was the other song that appealed to me the most from the 30-second samples, as well as the megamix that leaked a while back. This is perhaps the most joyful song on the record. It also has that pure pop sound, reminiscent of the early Kylie works, and just makes you immediately want to get up and dance. Lyrically, it is just a song about being happy with the person you are with. It is a song about being in love. The chorus says it all, “I can’t beat the feeling that I get when I’m with you, My heart plays a rhythm in my head, I can’t help but move.” It is so true – you can’t help but move when you hear this song. I just imagine being on a dance floor with this song playing and grinning from ear to ear. That is the type of song it is. When I hear it I can’t help but want to dance to it and really try to feel the feelings that she describes in the song. I absolutely adore this song. I absolutely adore this entire album. It is completely gorgeous and, based on first impressions, seems like the best album that Kylie has put out in years. I have loved every single one of Kylie’s albums and this one is no exception. There is just something about it that places it leaps and bounds above most of her other records. It is infectiously joyful and you can’t help but smile and feel a little more spirited and alive while listening to it. This is absolutely the record of the summer. I am in love. Between this and the Scissor Sisters, I think I’ve got the soundtrack to my summer in hand. You should, too. The album is out July 6 and I HIGHLY recommend everybody go out and pick it up then!
Speaking of which, this does pretty much mark the end of the albums that I have been looking forward to this summer. There isn’t a whole lot else coming out this summer. The only other album I can think of that I am really looking forward to is the sophomore album from Katy Perry, called “Teenage Dream.” As much as it is getting totally played out right now, I still absolutely love the song “California Gurls” and can’t wait to hear what else she has in store for this new record. Sheryl Crow also has a new record coming out in July, which should be pretty great, as all of her records are. There are a few albums set to come out in the early part of fall, namely September, that I am really excited about, including the second album from Selena Gomez & The Scene, as well as the self-titled third album from Kelly Rowland, which will include much more of her newfound and completely brilliant dance/techno sound with David Guetta producing. Music will never get TOO boring, of course, because regardless of what my favorite artists are doing, there are constantly new artists emerging and some really great stuff has come from that. So I am looking forward to it. For now, though, it is 12:30am and I have to be up in 5.5 hours, so I must get to bed. Goodnight.
Anyway, like I said, there was a monumental event that took place today that has really been the highlight of this day. It is something I have been waiting a very long time for yet wasn’t expecting to have happened quite so soon. I knew it was coming, I’ve been looking forward to it and keeping an eye out, but I didn’t realize the time would come quite so quickly. What happened? Kylie Minogue’s eleventh studio album, “Aphrodite,” has LEAKED. Oh my God, I don’t know how to explain my feelings on this having happened. I still haven’t even gotten to full absorb the Scissor Sisters’ “Night Work” leaking and here I am with the new Kylie already. I have been feeling pretty down recently, though, and when I received the text from my dear friend Richie that the album had leaked, it felt like exactly what I needed right now in my life. So, as soon as I got home from work the very first thing I did was rush to the computer to download the album. Unfortunately, I got stuck at work late and my Mom wasn’t able to bring me home on her break. My sister’s girlfriend was still there but she had to go to some big upper management dinner thing and wasn’t able to bring me home, either. Fortunately, she called my sister for me, since I wasn’t able to get through to her, and had her come pick me up. I didn’t get home until 6:50pm. At lunch today, my Mom asked me to make dinner tonight and I was determined to get it done before she came home. That meant that I needed to have it started earlier than I usually do. The album took a little time to download and by the time it finished, I was already behind on getting dinner started. I thought about taking my iPod speakers into the kitchen and listening while I cooked but I didn’t want to do it that way. I wanted my first time listening to the album in full to be a time when I could full focus on listening to it and nothing else. So, now that I have done that, let’s discuss it in detail.
The album opens with the lead single from the album, “All The Lovers,” which is by far my favorite song of the summer. It is gorgeous. This song, for those who have yet to hear it, is dance to its core. The beautiful thing about this song, in terms of the instrumentation, is its simplicity. It starts out in a slow/mid-tempo range and builds up to this big, joyous chorus. My favorite part of the entire song is the break between the repeat of the first verse and the final chorus, where the music takes a particularly upbeat turn and just kind of goes crazy for a minute. The best word to describe “All The Lovers” is definitely joyous. It’s lyrics are simple but say everything they need to, with a simple chorus of “All the lovers that have gone before they don’t compare to you, don’t be frightened, just give me a little bit more, they don’t compare, all the lovers.” It is simple, yet beautiful. It brings a smile to my face every time I hear it, which has been a LOT over the past couple of months. The second song on the album is called “Get Outta My Way,” and I adore this song, as well. This song also starts a trend that I see throughout much of the album – something in the instrumentation and the melody of this song reminds me a LOT of something from Kylie’s earliest works with Stock/Aitken/Waterman. It’s still dance music but the song doesn’t feel like it was constructed as a dance song but as a straight up pop song. It is a very nice change from the past few albums Kylie has done. It almost has an 80s feel to it, even. I just adore this song. This is a pretty simple song, too, as is generally the tradition with pop music. It is basically a song about a woman trying to get what she needs from a man and letting him know that if he isn’t going to give it to her she is going to go out and get it from somebody else. Think “Single Ladies” if it weren’t kind of moronic. The third track is one of my favorites, as well. It is called “Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)” and it also kind of has the feel of Kylie’s early pop work, although it is a bit more dance than “Get Outta My Way.” It is simply a song celebrating the joy of feeling love. I can’t wait to see what this song would be like in the live setting because I have all kinds of concepts in my head about the type of crowd interaction she could do with a performance of this song. I don’t know how else to explain it but it is also a very joyous song but the word I would probably use to describe this one more would be fun. It is a lot of fun. The fourth track gets a little darker, in terms of tone and the sound of the music. The album up to this point would definitely be defined more as light but this song is definitely darker. It is called “Closer,” and it is a song about wanting to get closer to the person you love. It is similar, in lyrical theme, to my favorite song on the new Scissor Sisters record, “Skin Tight.” I am listening to the album straight through now for the second time in a row and just based on these two listens, this would probably be my least favorite song on the record. I love it, as an individual Kylie song and think it would have worked great on the “Body Language” album but it just doesn’t seem to fit the general vibe of this record as much as it could. Still, like I said, I do really like this song. The fifth song on the album is called “Everything Is Beautiful.” I love this song. Once again, it has much less of a dance vibe and much more of a straight forward pop sound. The chorus of this one is really sweet. “If I lie with you long enough I can see the things I’m dreaming of, Let’s go through the ritual until everything is beautiful.” It is a beautiful sentiment and one of those songs that you listen to and feel like, “I want that.” The sixth song on the record is the title track, “Aphrodite,” which starts with this really fun, catchy repeat of the line, “Can you feel me on your stereo?” letting you know right off the bat that this song is going to be pure fun. The chorus of this song further proves that with the line, “I feel so big and mighty, I’m a golden girl, I’m an Aphrodite, alright, alright.” It is essentially one of those songs that most female pop artists have done at one point or another, celebrating your own greatness. In the case of this song, using the term “I’m an Aphrodite” really takes that sentiment to another level. It’s like saying, “I am a Goddess.” I believe every women and many men, myself included, feel like they have a little bit of Goddess in them, so why not celebrate it? The seventh song on the record is called “Illusion,” and it also has a slightly darker sound than much of the rest of the album. The chorus is really simple but says so much with just two lines, “I’m surrounded by confusion & I’m lost in this illusion.” It is basically a song about being in a relationship that you have to question the sincerity of, which is a concept that I can definitely relate to. The eighth song on the record is another favorite of mine, called “Better Than Today.” This is another of those really joyous sounding tracks. My favorite lines from this song are in the chorus when she asks, “What’s the point of living if you don’t take a chance?” and “What’s the point of living if you don’t want to dance?” This song is all about doing what you can to make sure that your tomorrow is better than today. It is a really positive message to spread and I love the fact that Kylie, after everything she has been through with surviving breast cancer and such, has made it a point to include songs like this on her past two albums. Yes, this song is kind of like the “X” track “No More Rain.” It is a joyful celebration of life, which I am very grateful for at this point in my life. It is good to hear a song like this to remind you that life is a gift. The ninth track on the album is my very favorite, based on my two listens so far. As I predicted, based on the 30-second clips of the songs that leaked a couple weeks ago, this song is just ridiculously fun and puts a huge smile on my face listening to it. This song also has a slightly darker sound than the rest of the record, although it definitely has a light sound to it, as well. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but the instrumentation includes really heavy bass with a lot of airier, more lighthearted sounds scattered over it. This is also the only song on the record that includes a co-writing credit to Jake Shears from Scissor Sisters, as well as being produced by Calvin Harris, who I love. It is a gorgeous mix of Kylie’s sound with a whole lot of Calvin Harris’ stamp all over it. I was really happy with the fact that it didn’t sound similar to her previous works with Scissor Sisters, like “I Believe In You” and “White Diamond,” which are two of my favorite Kylie song but that have a very similar sound to one another. This one doesn’t sound a thing like those and I love that about it. The tenth track on the album is one that I wasn’t too sure about, based on the title, but am really impressed with. It is called “Cupid Boy,” and kind of adds a little more to the Greek mythology theme to the record. One thing that I love about this song is how it changes tempo and general vibe several times throughout it’s four and a half minutes. My favorite part is this little breakdown that comes before each chorus that says, “Why don’t you thrill me like you did before? Why don’t you give me a little bit more? Why don’t you call me, start hitting me up?” This is a song about finding love and trying to hang on to it. This song also has a lot of little synthesized vocal effects throughout it, which I am normally not a fan of but which I appreciate in this case as they are simply added to enhance the effect of the song. It all comes together beautifully. I also love the fact that this song both begins and ends with a very soft, pretty basic bass guitar riff. It adds a really cool effect. The eleventh song on the album is another favorite of mine called “Looking For An Angel.” It is a very joyful, ethereal sounding song about, just as the title states, looking for an angel. This is the song on the album that I think most falls into that same light, airy, pretty dance category that “All The Lovers” would fall into. I absolutely love it. The twelfth and final track on the album is probably my second favorite, after “Too Much.” It is called “Can’t Beat The Feeling.” This was the other song that appealed to me the most from the 30-second samples, as well as the megamix that leaked a while back. This is perhaps the most joyful song on the record. It also has that pure pop sound, reminiscent of the early Kylie works, and just makes you immediately want to get up and dance. Lyrically, it is just a song about being happy with the person you are with. It is a song about being in love. The chorus says it all, “I can’t beat the feeling that I get when I’m with you, My heart plays a rhythm in my head, I can’t help but move.” It is so true – you can’t help but move when you hear this song. I just imagine being on a dance floor with this song playing and grinning from ear to ear. That is the type of song it is. When I hear it I can’t help but want to dance to it and really try to feel the feelings that she describes in the song. I absolutely adore this song. I absolutely adore this entire album. It is completely gorgeous and, based on first impressions, seems like the best album that Kylie has put out in years. I have loved every single one of Kylie’s albums and this one is no exception. There is just something about it that places it leaps and bounds above most of her other records. It is infectiously joyful and you can’t help but smile and feel a little more spirited and alive while listening to it. This is absolutely the record of the summer. I am in love. Between this and the Scissor Sisters, I think I’ve got the soundtrack to my summer in hand. You should, too. The album is out July 6 and I HIGHLY recommend everybody go out and pick it up then!
Speaking of which, this does pretty much mark the end of the albums that I have been looking forward to this summer. There isn’t a whole lot else coming out this summer. The only other album I can think of that I am really looking forward to is the sophomore album from Katy Perry, called “Teenage Dream.” As much as it is getting totally played out right now, I still absolutely love the song “California Gurls” and can’t wait to hear what else she has in store for this new record. Sheryl Crow also has a new record coming out in July, which should be pretty great, as all of her records are. There are a few albums set to come out in the early part of fall, namely September, that I am really excited about, including the second album from Selena Gomez & The Scene, as well as the self-titled third album from Kelly Rowland, which will include much more of her newfound and completely brilliant dance/techno sound with David Guetta producing. Music will never get TOO boring, of course, because regardless of what my favorite artists are doing, there are constantly new artists emerging and some really great stuff has come from that. So I am looking forward to it. For now, though, it is 12:30am and I have to be up in 5.5 hours, so I must get to bed. Goodnight.
Wednesday, June 23
Chapter 230: Miss World
As I have discussed in this blog several times in the past, I am a huge fan of Courtney Love. I believe she is a visionary and a creative genius. Like all creative geniuses, or geniuses in any capacity, she is also completely insane. Actually, I don’t think Courtney Love started out as insane – she just always had a bit more of a spark of crazy than your average person. More than that, though, I think she was an extremely driven person who allowed herself to be taken down by that. Drugs are often used as a form of escapism and when you have so much going on inside your head I’m sure you need something to slow it all down and to get away from it all. Still, her particular brand of crazy is not really the topic I am here to discuss – what I am here to discuss, at least off the top of tonight’s blog, is her talent. I don’t care what anybody else has to say about it, the woman is a brilliant songwriter. I first started listening to Hole when I was just barely hitting double digits, when they released their sophomore album, “Live Through This,” which remains one of my favorite albums of all time. When I first heard songs like “Violet,” “Doll Parts,” “Plump,” “Credit In The Straight World,” “Rock Star,” “Jennifer’s Body,” “Asking For It,” and “Miss World,” I didn’t entirely understand what they were actually saying but I knew that I felt this immense connection to them. It’s kind of the same way that I felt about “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” as a kid. I didn’t get it at the time but it really had this major influence on the rest of my life in a lot of different ways. Hole’s album “Live Through This” had the same type of effect. What is strange about this is that I have never been a real rock person. Singers who scream have never really appealed to me much. The sound of rock music has never appealed to me all that much, either. I don’t know what it was about Hole’s music that sucked me in so easily but I was pretty much immediately a big fan as soon as I listened to that album for the first time. I think one of the main things that really caught me about Courtney and Hole is the fact that she really cannot sing but she has found a way to make singing work for her. I have always really admired people who are able to do that – like Geri Halliwell or Vitamin C. They have found styles that work with the little vocal ability that they do have. It is a great thing and I have a lot of respect for it. I never genuinely thought of myself as one of those artists but I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn’t start considering other options, as far as vocals go. I have recently come to realize that I don’t have the voice that I want. I would love to be a big balladeer, like a male Celine or Barbra, but I have come to realize that this is something that may never wind up working out for me. So, it is time to start considering other options – I am nowhere near aggressive enough, vocally, to try to do what Courtney does, and don’t have a really great speaking voice to do Vitamin C’s speak/rap style vocals, (not to mention the fact that this is a very outdated sound that doesn’t really get done anymore and wasn’t particularly popular at the time, either.) In any sense, I am beginning to feel like I may need to start looking into other options, as far as vocals go. Another thing that really spoke to me about “Live Through This,” as well as Hole’s album prior to it, “Pretty On The Inside,” is the fact that the music doesn’t really sound like it has had a lot of production done to it. It is all very raw. From Courtney’s gutteral screams on various tracks, to the frankness, honesty and purity of the lyrics on each song to the actual sound of the music, so rough and unfinished and just generally loud. Like I said, this is one of my favorite albums of all time. I have been listening to this, as well as all the other Hole/Courtney records, and have just been feeling incredibly inspired by them. I have also been listening to a lot of Liz Phair lately and recognizing all of those same qualities, (lack of vocal ability, raw, unfinished sounding music and really frank, brilliantly crafted but completely honest lyrics, etc.) This has all made me realize that this is exactly what I need to be doing. I need to take a different approach to my songwriting, I think. Most of the stuff I have written in recent years has leaned more towards pop, more often than not, and has been more about really crafting a song that is cohesive and makes sense and flows well. These are all really good things to have in a song but listening to Hole and Liz Phair has made me start thinking that perhaps these things shouldn’t be a focus in the songwriting process. They can be thrown together after the fact, if nothing else, but aren’t entirely necessary. What I need to focus on much more is getting my raw emotions out. I need to just let go of everything inside of my head and just feel whatever it is I am feeling and let that out. This is the issue with me right now, though. I’m not feeling much of anything. I mean, I am feeling plenty of things but there isn’t anything in my life right now that I feel all that passionate about or that is inciting really strong emotions in me. Sure, I have been extremely inspired by various forms of media, like film, television and music, of course, but there is no driving force in my life right now. There isn’t anything that is creating real, genuine, organic emotion in me. This, my friends, is the main reason that I feel like I need a boyfriend or some sort of companionship. It’s really purely for selfish reasons – I need somebody to incite emotion in me to give me some sort of driving force to create something great. Right now, I don’t have that and, wouldn’t you know it, I’m not creating anything great. I just don’t know what to do about it. I just need something in my life right about now. I am sick of living on the sidelines of life. I have ALWAYS been a major player in my own life. I have always been one of those people at the epicenter of everything, creating something new and interesting to inspire my work. I don’t know how or why it happened but that has stopped for some reason. I hate it, but it has.
Today was a boring day. It really didn’t leave me with anything to be inspired by. I woke up late and went in to work an hour and forty-five minutes late. I did a really cool makeup look today, a more toned down version of one of the looks that Miley Cyrus did in the video for “Can’t Be Tamed.” I spent most of the day at work reading “Gossip Girl,” which I am nearly finished with, and doing homework from Viktor, in preparation for tonight’s piano lesson. Tonight’s piano lesson went much better than expected. My sister had something to do this evening so she couldn’t take me. My Mom wasn’t feeling great so she went ahead and left work early at 6pm and drove me to my piano lesson, which was nice because she was also off and able to come pick me up afterwards, instead of having to wait there for an hour. My Mom and I were both commenting on how this may be the way it goes from now on, if she gets this job that she has done two interviews for so far. We both have a really good feeling about it. It has to work out. It would just be absolutely perfect. The piano lesson was good and it was nice to be back there. Plus, I finally managed to pay for this month’s lessons, which takes a bit of weight off of my shoulders. Viktor understood about my not having practiced much over the past couple of weeks and asked me to have the parts of the piece I have been working on down really well by next week’s lesson. I fully intend to get back to practicing properly moving forward, so that shouldn’t be an issue. He also gave me another piece to try working on a bit, he said just if I get bored with the piece I am working on or need a break from it. That is a very good thing, I think. It felt really good to get some positive feedback, though, considering I haven’t been feeling the most confidence in my piano abilities lately.
Anyway, it is nearly midnight now and I definitely intend to avoid oversleeping tonight, which means I should really get to bed immediately. I know this is kind of a strange, random blog but it’s what I’ve got today. They’ll probably get better eventually. It really is making me feel like I need to go out and fucking do something, if for no other reason than to give me something to write about. We’ll see, I suppose. In the meantime, I need to go to bed. Goodnight.
Today was a boring day. It really didn’t leave me with anything to be inspired by. I woke up late and went in to work an hour and forty-five minutes late. I did a really cool makeup look today, a more toned down version of one of the looks that Miley Cyrus did in the video for “Can’t Be Tamed.” I spent most of the day at work reading “Gossip Girl,” which I am nearly finished with, and doing homework from Viktor, in preparation for tonight’s piano lesson. Tonight’s piano lesson went much better than expected. My sister had something to do this evening so she couldn’t take me. My Mom wasn’t feeling great so she went ahead and left work early at 6pm and drove me to my piano lesson, which was nice because she was also off and able to come pick me up afterwards, instead of having to wait there for an hour. My Mom and I were both commenting on how this may be the way it goes from now on, if she gets this job that she has done two interviews for so far. We both have a really good feeling about it. It has to work out. It would just be absolutely perfect. The piano lesson was good and it was nice to be back there. Plus, I finally managed to pay for this month’s lessons, which takes a bit of weight off of my shoulders. Viktor understood about my not having practiced much over the past couple of weeks and asked me to have the parts of the piece I have been working on down really well by next week’s lesson. I fully intend to get back to practicing properly moving forward, so that shouldn’t be an issue. He also gave me another piece to try working on a bit, he said just if I get bored with the piece I am working on or need a break from it. That is a very good thing, I think. It felt really good to get some positive feedback, though, considering I haven’t been feeling the most confidence in my piano abilities lately.
Anyway, it is nearly midnight now and I definitely intend to avoid oversleeping tonight, which means I should really get to bed immediately. I know this is kind of a strange, random blog but it’s what I’ve got today. They’ll probably get better eventually. It really is making me feel like I need to go out and fucking do something, if for no other reason than to give me something to write about. We’ll see, I suppose. In the meantime, I need to go to bed. Goodnight.
Tuesday, June 22
Chapter 229: I’ll Never Fall In Love Again
Some evenings, while I sit and write this blog, I imagine myself to be something like Carrie Bradshaw, the main character from “Sex & The City.” I imagine myself in the midst of one of those Carrie Bradshaw writing sequences, where she asks the central question of the episode. If my life were a TV show and I had to present the central question of this current episode I don’t really know what that question would be. I suppose the main question I have right now is this: what is missing? Something is definitely missing from my life at this point – something important. There is something that I don’t have in my life at this point that is causing me to feel less than thrilled with my life. I mean, I don’t feel completely unsatisfied with my life but I can’t help but feel like there is something else that I need. There is something that I am missing and I think, in a lot of ways, it is consuming my life at this point. I don’t know when exactly I started feeling this way but it was some time recently. I don’t recall feeling the way I do now as recently as a couple of weeks ago, when I was surrounded by family and preparing for my brother’s wedding. Maybe that is the issue – I am just coming off of both having a bunch of family who I dearly love surrounding me and having my Uncle die. It seems pretty natural that I would be feeling kind of down, lost and like something is missing from my life. After all, that is one very clear thing that is missing from my life – my uncle. I mean, he wasn’t really in my day-to-day life before but the knowledge that he never will be again is a pretty saddening feeling. The option of getting to know him better than I did and to have him become more involved in my life in the future is gone. That is definitely something big to be missing. Aside from that, though, I don’t know what is missing.
Am I feeling creatively unfulfilled at this point? Yes. I would love to say that this isn’t the case at this point in time because I have always been really good, particularly recently, about keeping myself constantly working on something creative and trying to constantly be improving my skills and talents. I think this really began with the disaster that was my “Glee” audition video. I was extremely disappointed with my performance in that. I can’t help but feel like I was a talented person vocally and somehow I let it slip away from me. What’s worse is the fact that I didn’t even realize it had slipped away until it was too late. I’m sure that isn’t true but it is kind of how I feel right now. I kind of allowed that to make me start considering my life without pursuing a career as a musician. I have been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of pursuing further education. It probably wouldn’t be that difficult to get my GED and go to my local community college to take courses in Cosmetology. That is something that I could possibly see myself pursuing a career in and being satisfied with. I mean, I wouldn’t be genuinely satisfied at first but I think I could possibly grow into it. I think I could, anyway. It doesn’t help at all that I still haven’t paid for this months piano lessons. It has been incredibly difficult this month to pay for my piano lessons and I have been thinking a lot about the idea of quitting my piano lessons. I REALLY don’t want to do that, though. After all, my piano lessons are kind of like my last ditch attempt at pursuing my dreams of having a career as a songwriter. I am not ready to give up on that yet. Still, after the mess that was my “Glee” audition video and the difficulty I am having with paying for my piano lessons, giving up on my dreams seems to be a more and more prevalent thought in my head. I know that we are supposed to struggle in order to achieve the greatest things in life and I can accept that but I do start to wonder how much struggle is too much. This is strictly an ego-based reaction of fear – my lifelong fear that I will not be able to make this work. I have fought through that fear for my entire life and I want to continue to fight through it. Now that I am an adult, though, it feels a lot less realistic and like there is a lot more chance that fighting through it will inevitably not be worth it. Still, I am still young. I know I am a lot older than I was when I initially started really planning to pursue this dream but I AM still young. Too young to even be considering throwing in the towel at this point. It CAN still happen. I am fighting my hardest to believe that it WILL still happen. It can just be really difficult.
Am I perhaps missing love? Of course, I don’t have any real love in my life right now. I haven’t in a very long time. As much as I have made it a point to not allow that to take priority in my life it is becoming increasingly more difficult. I don’t necessarily feel like it is actually a romantic love that I am missing right now – it is more a sense of having someone on my side and having some sort of companionship in my life. That doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of a lover. It could just be a best friend, which is something that I have been sorely lacking for nearly as long as I have been lacking a romantic love. I have very close friends who are amazing and whom I adore, like Whitney and Nate, April and Devin, and Rachel, but I don’t have a BFF. I don’t have that person who I hang out with everyday and share everything with. I don’t have that person who makes me a priority in their life or who I make a priority in mine. Of course, aside from my very best friend in this world, Don, any time I have tried to have that sort of friendship something goes terribly wrong. Apparently, my taste in BFF is just as bad as my taste in boyfriends. It just doesn’t go well for me. I assume this is likely, in large part, my own fault. I understand that I can be a very difficult person to deal with long-term. I am bossy and demanding and have very high expectations of people and tend to be very controlling. I don’t have a lot of loyalty and I change my mind constantly and I have a lot of trouble following through on anything I say. Don’t get me wrong, I am well worth putting up with all of those things but I can understand why people would have trouble with it over time. I am much less demanding and controlling with people I am dating but I still have the extremely high expectations and I guess I am just as demanding but in different ways. I don’t know. Like I said, I am well worth all of that trouble. I don’t ever want to sound conceited but I understand that the gifts that I have to offer to somebody immensely outweigh any negative qualities I may have. It’s just a matter of finding somebody with their own gifts to share. I want somebody like me. Not exactly like me but I want somebody who is flawed but is also a complete gem. That is how I think of myself – I am a flawed gem. It would be nice to find another flawed gem, one whose flaws are complementary to mine. Like that line from “RENT” said, “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.” I question whether or not that will ever happen for me again. I definitely feel like before I can get to that point I need to get my body into a place where I feel more comfortable with it. I have discussed in this blog previously the fact that I don’t necessarily feel like I can go out and pursue a sexual relationship at this point because I don’t feel comfortable presenting my physical being to somebody else. I would not be pleased if somebody else presented a physical being like mine to me, so how can I expect anybody else to feel differently?
This leads to another thing that I feel like is missing from my life right now – progression. I feel like a few weeks ago I felt like I was making progress in every part of my life. I was excelling creatively, getting better and better on the piano and writing more than I have in years. I have skipped several days of songwriting recently and haven’t practiced much at all on the piano over the past few weeks. Plus, like I mentioned, I still haven’t paid for this month’s lessons and it is nearly next month already. I just feel like missing a lesson without making it up for the first time, as well as my lack of practice recently, has left me feeling a little disheartened about the whole thing. I was also doing well at work and was feeling satisfied with the way things were working out there. The days passed much quicker and I managed to have at least somewhat of a good time while I was there. Nowadays, the days feel like they are getting longer and longer and I am spending most of them surrounded by giant walls of my own emotions. I am not connecting with the people I work with like I always did before. My QC scores have even gone down this month, in comparison to last month. I was also doing extremely well in terms of working out and felt like I was really on my way to losing the weight that I desire to lose. Now, I haven’t worked out in three weeks. What’s worse is the fact that I have barely batted a lash at this fact. It is crazy how easily you can lose momentum in terms of working out, considering how difficult it is to build. I definitely feel like I need to take a new approach to working out. My Mom and I have been talking for the past little while about joining the YouFit gym here in town, which I think would be an excellent idea. In fact, we had intended to do it the weekend before last. Then my Uncle Bruce died, and everything got turned upside down. It’s still upside down. It’s going to take a while for things to go back to some semblance of normalcy but, much like my struggles with continuing to pursue my dreams, I simply have to fight through that. I can’t allow this to derail me from getting to where I need to be in life. Where I need to be at this point definitely includes several sizes smaller. I cannot allow myself to be derailed from this plan. I must improve my songwriting and practice habits and stick to them diligently, figure out a way to improve my attitude towards my job and start working out even more vigorously than I did before. I don’t know how exactly I am going to do it but I’ll figure it out. I simply have to. I am determined to get myself back on the right path. I WILL get there, one way or another.
Aside from all that talk, I did absolutely nothing today. I basically just watched a lot of TV. I finally downloaded an album that I have been anticipating for quite a while now, the 2010 Broadway Cast recording of the musical “Promises, Promises,” starring Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. “Promises, Promises” is one of the few major Broadway musicals to have never been turned into a film. The original show, which debuted in 1968, was based on the film “The Apartment,” and has music by Burt Bacharach, lyrics by Hal David and a book by Neil Simon. That is a pretty big powerhouse team there and it is definitely reflected in the music from this show. I didn’t realize before but some of those classic Burt Bacharach songs that I have loved for years originated in this show, including one of my all time favorite songs, “A House Is Not A Home,” as well as the gorgeous, “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again.” I grew up with the song “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again,” but the version by The Carpenters. I have heard several different versions of this song over the years, including the Dionne Warwick and Elvis Costello versions, but I have to say that this new Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes duet version is my favorite. A large part of the reason for that is because the accompaniment on this one is simply an acoustic guitar. Most versions of this song have been done with a lot of horns and piano and such but the song doesn’t really require all of that. The simple beauty of the lyrics and melody are really strong enough to carry the song without any additional production. It is a beautiful song and one that I have fallen in love with all over again after hearing this new version. The “Promises, Promises” 2010 Cast Recording is gorgeous and I highly recommend it to everybody… particularly if you are into that 60s Bacharach sound, or showtunes. I am in love with this album. For now, though, it is about to turn midnight and I should be getting to bed. It is back to work tomorrow and back to my piano lessons. I’m definitely going to need my rest. Goodnight.
Am I feeling creatively unfulfilled at this point? Yes. I would love to say that this isn’t the case at this point in time because I have always been really good, particularly recently, about keeping myself constantly working on something creative and trying to constantly be improving my skills and talents. I think this really began with the disaster that was my “Glee” audition video. I was extremely disappointed with my performance in that. I can’t help but feel like I was a talented person vocally and somehow I let it slip away from me. What’s worse is the fact that I didn’t even realize it had slipped away until it was too late. I’m sure that isn’t true but it is kind of how I feel right now. I kind of allowed that to make me start considering my life without pursuing a career as a musician. I have been thinking a lot lately about the possibility of pursuing further education. It probably wouldn’t be that difficult to get my GED and go to my local community college to take courses in Cosmetology. That is something that I could possibly see myself pursuing a career in and being satisfied with. I mean, I wouldn’t be genuinely satisfied at first but I think I could possibly grow into it. I think I could, anyway. It doesn’t help at all that I still haven’t paid for this months piano lessons. It has been incredibly difficult this month to pay for my piano lessons and I have been thinking a lot about the idea of quitting my piano lessons. I REALLY don’t want to do that, though. After all, my piano lessons are kind of like my last ditch attempt at pursuing my dreams of having a career as a songwriter. I am not ready to give up on that yet. Still, after the mess that was my “Glee” audition video and the difficulty I am having with paying for my piano lessons, giving up on my dreams seems to be a more and more prevalent thought in my head. I know that we are supposed to struggle in order to achieve the greatest things in life and I can accept that but I do start to wonder how much struggle is too much. This is strictly an ego-based reaction of fear – my lifelong fear that I will not be able to make this work. I have fought through that fear for my entire life and I want to continue to fight through it. Now that I am an adult, though, it feels a lot less realistic and like there is a lot more chance that fighting through it will inevitably not be worth it. Still, I am still young. I know I am a lot older than I was when I initially started really planning to pursue this dream but I AM still young. Too young to even be considering throwing in the towel at this point. It CAN still happen. I am fighting my hardest to believe that it WILL still happen. It can just be really difficult.
Am I perhaps missing love? Of course, I don’t have any real love in my life right now. I haven’t in a very long time. As much as I have made it a point to not allow that to take priority in my life it is becoming increasingly more difficult. I don’t necessarily feel like it is actually a romantic love that I am missing right now – it is more a sense of having someone on my side and having some sort of companionship in my life. That doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of a lover. It could just be a best friend, which is something that I have been sorely lacking for nearly as long as I have been lacking a romantic love. I have very close friends who are amazing and whom I adore, like Whitney and Nate, April and Devin, and Rachel, but I don’t have a BFF. I don’t have that person who I hang out with everyday and share everything with. I don’t have that person who makes me a priority in their life or who I make a priority in mine. Of course, aside from my very best friend in this world, Don, any time I have tried to have that sort of friendship something goes terribly wrong. Apparently, my taste in BFF is just as bad as my taste in boyfriends. It just doesn’t go well for me. I assume this is likely, in large part, my own fault. I understand that I can be a very difficult person to deal with long-term. I am bossy and demanding and have very high expectations of people and tend to be very controlling. I don’t have a lot of loyalty and I change my mind constantly and I have a lot of trouble following through on anything I say. Don’t get me wrong, I am well worth putting up with all of those things but I can understand why people would have trouble with it over time. I am much less demanding and controlling with people I am dating but I still have the extremely high expectations and I guess I am just as demanding but in different ways. I don’t know. Like I said, I am well worth all of that trouble. I don’t ever want to sound conceited but I understand that the gifts that I have to offer to somebody immensely outweigh any negative qualities I may have. It’s just a matter of finding somebody with their own gifts to share. I want somebody like me. Not exactly like me but I want somebody who is flawed but is also a complete gem. That is how I think of myself – I am a flawed gem. It would be nice to find another flawed gem, one whose flaws are complementary to mine. Like that line from “RENT” said, “I’m looking for baggage that goes with mine.” I question whether or not that will ever happen for me again. I definitely feel like before I can get to that point I need to get my body into a place where I feel more comfortable with it. I have discussed in this blog previously the fact that I don’t necessarily feel like I can go out and pursue a sexual relationship at this point because I don’t feel comfortable presenting my physical being to somebody else. I would not be pleased if somebody else presented a physical being like mine to me, so how can I expect anybody else to feel differently?
This leads to another thing that I feel like is missing from my life right now – progression. I feel like a few weeks ago I felt like I was making progress in every part of my life. I was excelling creatively, getting better and better on the piano and writing more than I have in years. I have skipped several days of songwriting recently and haven’t practiced much at all on the piano over the past few weeks. Plus, like I mentioned, I still haven’t paid for this month’s lessons and it is nearly next month already. I just feel like missing a lesson without making it up for the first time, as well as my lack of practice recently, has left me feeling a little disheartened about the whole thing. I was also doing well at work and was feeling satisfied with the way things were working out there. The days passed much quicker and I managed to have at least somewhat of a good time while I was there. Nowadays, the days feel like they are getting longer and longer and I am spending most of them surrounded by giant walls of my own emotions. I am not connecting with the people I work with like I always did before. My QC scores have even gone down this month, in comparison to last month. I was also doing extremely well in terms of working out and felt like I was really on my way to losing the weight that I desire to lose. Now, I haven’t worked out in three weeks. What’s worse is the fact that I have barely batted a lash at this fact. It is crazy how easily you can lose momentum in terms of working out, considering how difficult it is to build. I definitely feel like I need to take a new approach to working out. My Mom and I have been talking for the past little while about joining the YouFit gym here in town, which I think would be an excellent idea. In fact, we had intended to do it the weekend before last. Then my Uncle Bruce died, and everything got turned upside down. It’s still upside down. It’s going to take a while for things to go back to some semblance of normalcy but, much like my struggles with continuing to pursue my dreams, I simply have to fight through that. I can’t allow this to derail me from getting to where I need to be in life. Where I need to be at this point definitely includes several sizes smaller. I cannot allow myself to be derailed from this plan. I must improve my songwriting and practice habits and stick to them diligently, figure out a way to improve my attitude towards my job and start working out even more vigorously than I did before. I don’t know how exactly I am going to do it but I’ll figure it out. I simply have to. I am determined to get myself back on the right path. I WILL get there, one way or another.
Aside from all that talk, I did absolutely nothing today. I basically just watched a lot of TV. I finally downloaded an album that I have been anticipating for quite a while now, the 2010 Broadway Cast recording of the musical “Promises, Promises,” starring Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes. “Promises, Promises” is one of the few major Broadway musicals to have never been turned into a film. The original show, which debuted in 1968, was based on the film “The Apartment,” and has music by Burt Bacharach, lyrics by Hal David and a book by Neil Simon. That is a pretty big powerhouse team there and it is definitely reflected in the music from this show. I didn’t realize before but some of those classic Burt Bacharach songs that I have loved for years originated in this show, including one of my all time favorite songs, “A House Is Not A Home,” as well as the gorgeous, “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again.” I grew up with the song “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again,” but the version by The Carpenters. I have heard several different versions of this song over the years, including the Dionne Warwick and Elvis Costello versions, but I have to say that this new Kristin Chenoweth and Sean Hayes duet version is my favorite. A large part of the reason for that is because the accompaniment on this one is simply an acoustic guitar. Most versions of this song have been done with a lot of horns and piano and such but the song doesn’t really require all of that. The simple beauty of the lyrics and melody are really strong enough to carry the song without any additional production. It is a beautiful song and one that I have fallen in love with all over again after hearing this new version. The “Promises, Promises” 2010 Cast Recording is gorgeous and I highly recommend it to everybody… particularly if you are into that 60s Bacharach sound, or showtunes. I am in love with this album. For now, though, it is about to turn midnight and I should be getting to bed. It is back to work tomorrow and back to my piano lessons. I’m definitely going to need my rest. Goodnight.
Chapter 228: My Medicine
Okay, so I am going to keep it brief tonight for various reasons but there are two main ones – it’s late and I don’t have much to say. It was a boring day. I woke up this morning and did my usual morning routine, (skin care, brushing teeth, coffee, cigarettes, breakfast, etc.) Then I pulled up last night’s episode of “True Blood” online and spent an hour watching that before work. It was an hour I could have and should have spent working out, which I haven’t done in nearly three weeks. It’s just been a strange past few weeks for me, between the wedding and having family at the house and being in a highly stressful emotional state this past week and a half, I just haven’t managed to bring myself to get up and work out in the morning. I absolutely have to get back to that. I know I will. Maybe I will do an extra large workout tomorrow, since it is my day off. We’ll see. Anyway, after “True Blood,” I got myself dressed and did hair and makeup for the day. I did a fun look with pink and gold that is reminiscent of looks I’ve done before but kind of different – different in a good way. I liked it a lot. Work felt dreadfully long today. I spent pretty much the entire day reading the first book in the “Gossip Girl” series. I have read this book a few times in the past but I keep re-reading it because I want to read the rest of the series but I want to read the ones I’ve already read first, which is just the first three in the series, to kind of refresh myself on where the story left off by the time I get to the ones I haven’t read yet. So, I managed to read two thirds of this one today at work. Aside from that, though, I didn’t do much of anything at work. I didn’t really talk to my co-workers much or anything. I just wasn’t in a mood for anything today. I was also exceptionally tired all day and had trouble keeping myself awake towards the end of the day. By the time I got home from work I was exhausted. My Mom was pretty exhausted, too, even though she had today off. So, we decided to just order in Chinese food and lay around watching TV this evening. What did we watch? VH1 “Behind The Music” specials. We watched the one on Christina Aguilera, which made me cry, and the one on Courtney Love, which left me feeling exceptionally inspired. Too bad that by the time I finished it I was too exhausted to do anything with that inspiration. I am too exhausted to do anything with tonight’s blog, either. I don’t even need to take one of my “dolls” tonight. “Dolls” is my new name for the pills that I take to get to sleep at night – Tylenol PM or Sominex or Unisom type stuff. Nothing hardcore like the “dolls” from “Valley Of The Dolls,” but I still like to call them that because I am a dork and like to pretend that I am some beautiful, tragic diva from the 60s, like Neely O’Hara, slowly driving myself into oblivion with my addiction to these little pills. Ugh, I am talking crazy now and really must get to bed. Goodnight.
Monday, June 21
Chapter 227: Invisible Light
Okay, so today was a good day. I woke up at 10am, when my weekend alarm goes off, but hit the snooze button until nearly 10:30am. I went to bed pretty late last night, so I probably needed that extra sleep. I had kind of assumed that my Mom would go out to breakfast or something with my brother and sister-in-law or would sleep pretty late after traveling all day yesterday, so I didn’t want to call her yet. I got myself up, brushed my teeth, did my morning skin care routine and all the usual stuff, including a bowl of Golden Grahams for breakfast. I brought my Golden Grahams into the bedroom and sat down in front of the computer and decided to have a look around on Netflix and see if I couldn’t find a movie to watch while I waited for my Mom to come home. It took me a while to find something that really sparked my interest but eventually I came upon this strange looking indie film called “Watch Out.” “Watch Out” is the story of Jonathan Barrows, a recent college graduate who is heading to Benton Harbor, Michigan to interview for a job teaching at Benton Harbor Community College. It is revealed very early on in the film that Jonathan has no interest at all in women yet he insists he isn’t gay. Indeed, he doesn’t have any interest in men. He seems to find all people disgusting, in fact. He is by no means asexual, though. In fact, he has a pretty intense sexual life – with himself. He is actually in love with himself. He believes that all other beings are inferior to him and he has no problem telling them that. The film includes some very graphic scenes of Jonathan’s sexual life, including taking pictures of his own penis and masturbating looking at them, as well as taping a picture of his own face to a male blow-up doll and making mad, passionate love to it. It is a pretty intense film. It honestly wasn’t that great of a movie and REALLY fell apart at the end when it was revealed that Jonathan has also had a lifelong tendency towards murder and had, in fact, murdered several people throughout his life. Since I don’t really recommend seeing this film, I will go ahead and spoil the ending. Out of nowhere, Jonathan has the world’s most famous pop star, (clearly supposed to be a representation of Britney Spears,) in his home and severs her toes, force feeds them to her and kills her. The film closes on him in his home watching out the window as police surround the place. We don’t know what happens after this point and, in all honesty, by this point in the film we don’t really care. I didn’t, anyway. It was really silly and over the top, which are qualities I have been enjoying in films recently, but they just didn’t work in this one. Basically, this movie would serve as decent porn because the guy playing Jonathan is really hot and is naked, jerking off and all kinds of freaky stuff throughout much of the film. Beyond that, though, the movie just didn’t work and was extremely cracked out… not in the good way.
By the time I finished watching this movie, it was after noon and I had spoken with my Mom. She was going to be home very soon and we made plans to go out for lunch. So, I went into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup for the day. I wore a pink/peachy colored polo from Old Navy and wanted to try out a peach/coral colored makeup look because I hadn’t ever done one before. I really liked the way it came out, actually. It was really subtle but still a pretty look. I used a very light colored peach all over the lids and then took a darker, more orange-toned peach color in the crease and blended it up and outward, which gave a really nice, soft effect to the look. Then I blended a dark brown shadow into the crease, as well, to darken and intensify that darker peach color. Then I used a brown gel liner on the upper lash line and my Urban Decay 24/7 Glide On Eye Pencil in Bourbon on the bottom and the waterline. Like I said, it was a really soft, pretty look. I loved it. When I came out of the bathroom, I found that my Mom was home already. We hugged and sat talking for a little while before doing anything else. As I’ve been saying this whole time, I am glad that she went but it was REALLY nice to have her back home. She seemed really glad to be home, too. She was also a little sad, though, because I think after the week being with her family and such, coming back home also served as a step back into reality. Unfortunately, that reality includes the fact that her brother is no longer here on earth with us. I know it is going to be a long grieving process but I know that I will do everything I can to be here for her anytime she needs. I just can’t possibly understand what she is going through. I hope I never have to understand it, either, but who knows how that will go for me.
We decided to go to this buffet place in Bradenton that we both enjoy and go to fairly often. I was particularly keen on going to this place because it is a pretty long drive to Bradenton and would give us plenty of time to listen to the new Scissor Sisters record, “Night Work,” on the way. I was really proud of myself for waiting so long to actually listen to it. I have to begin by saying that it was DEFINITELY worth the wait. This album, just like the other two, clicked with me pretty instantly. On the drive today, I didn’t get to give it the full attention I had wanted to initially because my Mom and I were talking the whole time but I still definitely got the effect of it. I have since listened to it, at full attention, a couple times and it is completely brilliant. The album opens with the title track “Night Work,” which is a really catchy, fun song about “living off the system” and spending your evenings out partying and getting into all kinds of debauchery. It is a typical Scissor Sisters party song, which is always great. They don’t just do silly, asinine party tracks like many artists. Everything they do has a much deeper meaning and this song is no exception, with a social commentary about people who lead this type of life. The second track is one of my favorites on this record, called “Whole New Way.” This song is also a very Scissor Sisters song, with a very hypersexual chorus of “I’ve found a whole new way to love you, I’ve got a big surprise, I can’t see your eyes but I think you’ll like it, too.” This song is definitely making a lot of reference to anal sex, which is always fun. The third track on the album is the first single from the album, “Fire With Fire,” which I have already discussed here quite a bit, so no need to go much further with that one. “Fire With Fire” is definitely an anthem of mine, though, about fighting the things inside yourself that are holding you back from doing and being everything you want. The fourth track is called “Any Which Way,” and it kind of reminds me of the song from their debut album, “Filthy/Gorgeous.” It is just a fun, over the top song about going out and trying to find a man to take you “any which way” he can. The best part of this song, though, is the spoke word middle section from Ana Matronic, the bands hype woman/second vocalist. She says, “You know, baby, when I was taking my panty hose out of their egg this evening, I thought to myself, ‘I’m going to find that man who’s the right shade of bottled tan, a man that smells like cocoa butter and cash,’ and I'll say ‘take me any way you like it, in front of the fireplace, in front of your yacht, in front of my parents, I don't give a damn, just take me.’” That moment in the song is particularly special to me because it is one of those classic Scissor Sisters music moments, which are always the best moments of the shows when they are on tour. The fifth track on the record is called “Harder You Get,” which is a great song but probably my least favorite on the album. I think it may be because Jake Shears does pretty much the entire song in this super deep voice that I just don’t find as appealing as his mid-range and falsetto stuff. Still, it is a really good, fun, also hypersexual song. Scissor Sisters are, after all, often at their best when they are being overtly sexual. The sixth song is called “Running Out,” and it is a really cool song, as well. This song is basically discussing the American obsession with excess and how it is all crashing down on us all at this point. One of my favorite things about this band is the fact that they can take heavy topics like that and put a really interesting, clever, fun spin on them. They do it beautifully in this song. It is very upbeat and has a very fun 80s dance vibe to it. Pretty much the entire album has that 80s dance vibe to it, while still sounding completely modern and fresh. The seventh track on this album is another favorite of mine, called “Something Like This.” This is another sexual song, which basically breaks down to being lonely and getting turned on by somebody dancing at a club. The chorus is very simple, lyrically, simply stating “and it goes something like this, something like this, something like this,” but employs some very cool production twists to spice it up a bit. Track number eight is also a favorite of mine, called “Skin This Cat.” Each Scissor Sisters album includes on song with full lead vocals by Ana Matronic, and “Skin This Cat” is that track on this record. It has a very cool, electronic soul vibe. The beat and sound of the song reminds me of one of those classic numbers along the lines of “Tell Me Something Good.” The cat in the title is clearly representative of the vagina, which leads to all kinds of clever puns throughout the lyrics of the song. It is a lot of fun. I love this song. Track number nine is my very favorite song on the album so far, called “Skin Tight,” which is basically expressing the desire to get closer and closer to the person you are with. The chorus says, “You’re so skin tight, you’re never close enough, You’re so skin tight, wrap me in your love, You’re so skin tight, you fit me like a glove, You’re so skin tight, you’re never close enough.” My favorite track on each album has always been the one that is kind of the most open and vulnerable song about love, like “Better Luck” from the first album and “Might Tell You Tonight” from “Ta-Dah!” This is definitely that track on this album. It is beautiful. The tenth track is called “Sex & Violence,” which is basically a song about our culture’s obsession with “Sex & Violence,” although it also definitely makes a lot of reference to not wanting to leave a negative relationship or, as Gaga put it, a “Bad Romance.” The second to last song on the album, track eleven, is called “Night Life,” and is really similar in theme to the title track “Night Work,” except this one is a much more straightforward party song, and features some really fun lead vocals going back and forth between Jake Shears and Ana Matronic. The album ends with the very first song to be leaked off of this album, “Invisible Light.” I was already very familiar with this song but really loved it’s placement in context of the album. “Invisible Light” could be interpreted in many ways but to me it is a song about searching for something more in this world – something greater than that which you’ve known. I love that theme and particularly love it as a closer to this album, which spends much of it’s time commenting on so much of what’s wrong with the world today and describing the type of fun and debauchery and carelessness that has gotten us to this point. I really feel like, more than the previous two albums, this record is much more of a social commentary. It is completely brilliant start to finish. I don’t know why I ever, even if only momentarily, could have expected anything less. Scissor Sisters remain one of my absolute favorite artists of all time. As far as where this record ranks amongst my favorites – that is yet to be determined. I’d have to listen to it much more in order to determine that. Fortunately, I fully intend to listen to it much more. It is amazing and I am in love.
After lunch and listening to the Scissor Sisters, my Mom and I drove by the building where she is interviewing on Tuesday. It is an adorable building right in the heart of downtown, (the good part of downtown,) which is still really close to our house and my work. We are both trying to be extremely positive about this job. We both also have a really good feeling about it. I am really hoping and feeling that she will get this job. It will make such a great difference for our lives right now – a difference that we could REALLY use. It has to happen. Anyway, after that we went and hung out at my sisters house for a while, which was fun. We both had a good time but after about an hour over there, we were both feeling pretty tired and overstuffed from lunch, so decided to come home. First, though, we stopped and picked up a carton of cigarettes for me. I realized after buying those cigarettes, though, that I don’t actually have enough money left in the bank to pay for my piano lessons for this month. I still can’t believe that I have managed to get this far into the month without paying them. I already have to pay for next month out of my next check. It is crazy. If I were smart, I would give up my piano lessons and save myself the money each month. I can’t do that, though. My piano lessons are extremely important to me. I need to learn this. I need to write music. I can’t explain it properly, and I have tried multiple times in this blog before so I am not going to try again but I NEED this to work out. I will make it work, financially. Somehow, I will make it work. If my Mom gets this job, it will be a LOT easier to make it work, so this is yet another reason that she just has to get this job. The Universe is working in my favor and it is not going to allow me to get to a point where I have to quit my piano lessons. It just won’t happen. The Universe won’t allow it to and I won’t allow it to. It is after midnight now, though, so I should probably get to bed. I need to sleep. I have to work in the morning, after all. I am not looking forward to it but it will be alright. Goodnight.
By the time I finished watching this movie, it was after noon and I had spoken with my Mom. She was going to be home very soon and we made plans to go out for lunch. So, I went into the bathroom to get dressed and do my hair and makeup for the day. I wore a pink/peachy colored polo from Old Navy and wanted to try out a peach/coral colored makeup look because I hadn’t ever done one before. I really liked the way it came out, actually. It was really subtle but still a pretty look. I used a very light colored peach all over the lids and then took a darker, more orange-toned peach color in the crease and blended it up and outward, which gave a really nice, soft effect to the look. Then I blended a dark brown shadow into the crease, as well, to darken and intensify that darker peach color. Then I used a brown gel liner on the upper lash line and my Urban Decay 24/7 Glide On Eye Pencil in Bourbon on the bottom and the waterline. Like I said, it was a really soft, pretty look. I loved it. When I came out of the bathroom, I found that my Mom was home already. We hugged and sat talking for a little while before doing anything else. As I’ve been saying this whole time, I am glad that she went but it was REALLY nice to have her back home. She seemed really glad to be home, too. She was also a little sad, though, because I think after the week being with her family and such, coming back home also served as a step back into reality. Unfortunately, that reality includes the fact that her brother is no longer here on earth with us. I know it is going to be a long grieving process but I know that I will do everything I can to be here for her anytime she needs. I just can’t possibly understand what she is going through. I hope I never have to understand it, either, but who knows how that will go for me.
We decided to go to this buffet place in Bradenton that we both enjoy and go to fairly often. I was particularly keen on going to this place because it is a pretty long drive to Bradenton and would give us plenty of time to listen to the new Scissor Sisters record, “Night Work,” on the way. I was really proud of myself for waiting so long to actually listen to it. I have to begin by saying that it was DEFINITELY worth the wait. This album, just like the other two, clicked with me pretty instantly. On the drive today, I didn’t get to give it the full attention I had wanted to initially because my Mom and I were talking the whole time but I still definitely got the effect of it. I have since listened to it, at full attention, a couple times and it is completely brilliant. The album opens with the title track “Night Work,” which is a really catchy, fun song about “living off the system” and spending your evenings out partying and getting into all kinds of debauchery. It is a typical Scissor Sisters party song, which is always great. They don’t just do silly, asinine party tracks like many artists. Everything they do has a much deeper meaning and this song is no exception, with a social commentary about people who lead this type of life. The second track is one of my favorites on this record, called “Whole New Way.” This song is also a very Scissor Sisters song, with a very hypersexual chorus of “I’ve found a whole new way to love you, I’ve got a big surprise, I can’t see your eyes but I think you’ll like it, too.” This song is definitely making a lot of reference to anal sex, which is always fun. The third track on the album is the first single from the album, “Fire With Fire,” which I have already discussed here quite a bit, so no need to go much further with that one. “Fire With Fire” is definitely an anthem of mine, though, about fighting the things inside yourself that are holding you back from doing and being everything you want. The fourth track is called “Any Which Way,” and it kind of reminds me of the song from their debut album, “Filthy/Gorgeous.” It is just a fun, over the top song about going out and trying to find a man to take you “any which way” he can. The best part of this song, though, is the spoke word middle section from Ana Matronic, the bands hype woman/second vocalist. She says, “You know, baby, when I was taking my panty hose out of their egg this evening, I thought to myself, ‘I’m going to find that man who’s the right shade of bottled tan, a man that smells like cocoa butter and cash,’ and I'll say ‘take me any way you like it, in front of the fireplace, in front of your yacht, in front of my parents, I don't give a damn, just take me.’” That moment in the song is particularly special to me because it is one of those classic Scissor Sisters music moments, which are always the best moments of the shows when they are on tour. The fifth track on the record is called “Harder You Get,” which is a great song but probably my least favorite on the album. I think it may be because Jake Shears does pretty much the entire song in this super deep voice that I just don’t find as appealing as his mid-range and falsetto stuff. Still, it is a really good, fun, also hypersexual song. Scissor Sisters are, after all, often at their best when they are being overtly sexual. The sixth song is called “Running Out,” and it is a really cool song, as well. This song is basically discussing the American obsession with excess and how it is all crashing down on us all at this point. One of my favorite things about this band is the fact that they can take heavy topics like that and put a really interesting, clever, fun spin on them. They do it beautifully in this song. It is very upbeat and has a very fun 80s dance vibe to it. Pretty much the entire album has that 80s dance vibe to it, while still sounding completely modern and fresh. The seventh track on this album is another favorite of mine, called “Something Like This.” This is another sexual song, which basically breaks down to being lonely and getting turned on by somebody dancing at a club. The chorus is very simple, lyrically, simply stating “and it goes something like this, something like this, something like this,” but employs some very cool production twists to spice it up a bit. Track number eight is also a favorite of mine, called “Skin This Cat.” Each Scissor Sisters album includes on song with full lead vocals by Ana Matronic, and “Skin This Cat” is that track on this record. It has a very cool, electronic soul vibe. The beat and sound of the song reminds me of one of those classic numbers along the lines of “Tell Me Something Good.” The cat in the title is clearly representative of the vagina, which leads to all kinds of clever puns throughout the lyrics of the song. It is a lot of fun. I love this song. Track number nine is my very favorite song on the album so far, called “Skin Tight,” which is basically expressing the desire to get closer and closer to the person you are with. The chorus says, “You’re so skin tight, you’re never close enough, You’re so skin tight, wrap me in your love, You’re so skin tight, you fit me like a glove, You’re so skin tight, you’re never close enough.” My favorite track on each album has always been the one that is kind of the most open and vulnerable song about love, like “Better Luck” from the first album and “Might Tell You Tonight” from “Ta-Dah!” This is definitely that track on this album. It is beautiful. The tenth track is called “Sex & Violence,” which is basically a song about our culture’s obsession with “Sex & Violence,” although it also definitely makes a lot of reference to not wanting to leave a negative relationship or, as Gaga put it, a “Bad Romance.” The second to last song on the album, track eleven, is called “Night Life,” and is really similar in theme to the title track “Night Work,” except this one is a much more straightforward party song, and features some really fun lead vocals going back and forth between Jake Shears and Ana Matronic. The album ends with the very first song to be leaked off of this album, “Invisible Light.” I was already very familiar with this song but really loved it’s placement in context of the album. “Invisible Light” could be interpreted in many ways but to me it is a song about searching for something more in this world – something greater than that which you’ve known. I love that theme and particularly love it as a closer to this album, which spends much of it’s time commenting on so much of what’s wrong with the world today and describing the type of fun and debauchery and carelessness that has gotten us to this point. I really feel like, more than the previous two albums, this record is much more of a social commentary. It is completely brilliant start to finish. I don’t know why I ever, even if only momentarily, could have expected anything less. Scissor Sisters remain one of my absolute favorite artists of all time. As far as where this record ranks amongst my favorites – that is yet to be determined. I’d have to listen to it much more in order to determine that. Fortunately, I fully intend to listen to it much more. It is amazing and I am in love.
After lunch and listening to the Scissor Sisters, my Mom and I drove by the building where she is interviewing on Tuesday. It is an adorable building right in the heart of downtown, (the good part of downtown,) which is still really close to our house and my work. We are both trying to be extremely positive about this job. We both also have a really good feeling about it. I am really hoping and feeling that she will get this job. It will make such a great difference for our lives right now – a difference that we could REALLY use. It has to happen. Anyway, after that we went and hung out at my sisters house for a while, which was fun. We both had a good time but after about an hour over there, we were both feeling pretty tired and overstuffed from lunch, so decided to come home. First, though, we stopped and picked up a carton of cigarettes for me. I realized after buying those cigarettes, though, that I don’t actually have enough money left in the bank to pay for my piano lessons for this month. I still can’t believe that I have managed to get this far into the month without paying them. I already have to pay for next month out of my next check. It is crazy. If I were smart, I would give up my piano lessons and save myself the money each month. I can’t do that, though. My piano lessons are extremely important to me. I need to learn this. I need to write music. I can’t explain it properly, and I have tried multiple times in this blog before so I am not going to try again but I NEED this to work out. I will make it work, financially. Somehow, I will make it work. If my Mom gets this job, it will be a LOT easier to make it work, so this is yet another reason that she just has to get this job. The Universe is working in my favor and it is not going to allow me to get to a point where I have to quit my piano lessons. It just won’t happen. The Universe won’t allow it to and I won’t allow it to. It is after midnight now, though, so I should probably get to bed. I need to sleep. I have to work in the morning, after all. I am not looking forward to it but it will be alright. Goodnight.
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