Chapter 355: Fade Away & Radiate

Let me begin tonight’s blog by saying one thing: HOLY SHIT, THERE ARE ONLY 10 DAYS LEFT!!! I still can’t believe that I have actually made it this far. I can’t believe that this blog will be over and done with in just 10 days. I can’t believe that I actually managed to keep it up this entire time. I can’t believe any of it. What I really can’t believe, though, are some of the changes that have been made in the past 355 days that I have been writing this blog. It has really been an eye-opening experience for me in a million different ways. There are things that I am focused on and things that I am feeling right now that I never would have imagined I would be focused on or feeling within a year, or ever. It is kind of insane. One great example of this is the fact that my main focus at this point in time is trying to find love. I never would have imagined that there would ever come a point that this would be my main focus. I always placed love, in the romantic sense, very low on my list of priorities in life. It was something that I thought would always be secondary. I think, in a lot of ways, the reason I felt that way for so long is because I genuinely believed that I would never really find it. I mean, it isn’t something that I have ever cared to admit before but I think that I have walked this world with a LOT of insecurities in terms of finding love. I wouldn’t say that I never felt like I was worthy of it, because that really isn’t the case, but I think I was more concerned that I was simply too complicated of a person to ever find a love that could actually work out. I always believed that I would live my life in a long string of three month long relationships that would never actually pan out because I would always find some way to sabotage them in my head. I don’t know what I thought, honestly, but I don’t think that way anymore. I know that I am capable of loving and being loved in return. I know that it is going to happen for me. I know that it is going to happen for me SOON. I can already feel it and, I can already tell you, it is fucking wonderful. That is definitely an immense difference from where I was at 355 days ago. As I have discussed here a lot recently, I also feel like I am living my life right now as the very best version of myself that I have ever been – for the first time in my life I feel like I am truly living in the present moment and allowing myself to be open and vulnerable and to really make a connection with the people that surround me. That is an issue that I didn’t even entirely realize I had 355 days ago but one that I am so glad to say that I have managed to overcome. Sure, I know that these types of things don’t just go away completely but I feel completely confident in myself and in the fact that I will be able to fight off any urges I may have to retreat back into the world that only exists inside my own head. That is a MAJOR difference from where I was 355 days ago.

There is another major difference that I haven’t discussed here in the blog yet and one that I have been a little hesitant about discussing. As I have always said, I am trying to be as open with all of my feelings and as honest as I possibly can about my life here in this blog. Still, there have always been things that I have felt hesitant about discussing in the blog simply because my mind hasn’t entirely settled on my feelings towards them yet. This has been one of those things up to this point but I finally feel like I have figured out my feelings about the whole thing now and am feeling very confident about it all. This thing is probably the most drastic difference in me that has arisen from this blog and something that I would have sworn on my life would never happen. All of my life, I have always had the same dream – I wanted to become a musician. I wanted to make my living as a musician and be an inspiration to people all over the world. My dream, more than anything else, was to really have an effect on the lives of people around the world – people who are feeling now the ways that I felt when I was younger. I remember many times throughout my life when I have felt completely lost, alone and terrified that things would never get better for me. I also remember that pretty much every one of those times I would always turn to the same place for comfort, understanding and answers to the questions I had about life – MUSIC. My lifelong goal and ultimate dream has always been to pay it forward and provide the same comfort, understanding and answers to others out there in this world. Still, over the past several months I have begun to realize a few things about this dream. First of all, I have really come to recognize the fact that I don’t have to make music in order to be that type of inspiration to others. There are a million different ways to be a comfort and inspiration to others. Secondly, I have come to realize that while I have never lacked the passion or drive to make it as a musician there has always been a key element missing – ability. I have never had, and probably never will have, the ability to make this happen for myself. I write lyrics and have for pretty much my entire life and I have a good ear for melody and such but I simply don’t understand the way that music works, in terms of composition. I have long been one of those people who would miss out on all kinds of different elements of music that other people would notice. I have never been one of those people who could sit and listen to a song and hone in on each different instrument or backing vocal or whatever other elements there are. I have come to realize that, while I may love it, I simply don’t honestly have an ear for music. There are certainly ways around that, like having others write the music for you and such, but I don’t know that I would ever be completely satisfied not being able to have complete control over the stuff that I create. I don’t know that I would ever be completely satisfied not being able to fully create it for myself. Third, and most importantly, I have kind of come to realize over the past few months, that my passion for music has waned a lot. I mean, I wouldn’t say that my passion for music itself has waned. That should be clear just based on how much I will sit here and talk about the music that I hear from other artists and such. I don’t think I will ever be a person who doesn’t turn to music for comfort, understanding or to find the answers to the questions I have in life. It will always be my biggest source of inspiration in life and my first real love. I will also always consider myself to be a songwriter before anything else. I will still write out my emotions in rhyme schemes and with melodies, in the verse-chorus-verse form. However, I have realized that I have kind of lost the passion and drive that I had before to create music for myself. So, what all of this breaks down to is the fact that I have decided to give up on that dream. I really feel like the time has come for me to let it go. Like I said, music will always be the biggest part of my life but I don’t think it is genuinely what I want to do with my life anymore. I have realized that there is something else that I could do with my life that would be just as effective a way to do what the underlying goal of music has always been, and that I actually do have a talent for. This thing is exactly what I am doing here – writing. I don’t know how exactly to move forward with this but I know that I will figure it out and I will manage to achieve my REAL dream – being a source of light and inspiration to people around the world. Needless to say, I don’t suppose I will be moving forward with the concept of trying to write a record based on this blog, although I definitely intend to go back and read over the past year of my life and write some lyrics based on it. I just don’t know that I will ever actually pursue doing anything with them. I think that I have kind of come to realize that all of the lyrics I have been writing all of these years have never actually been for anybody but myself – they are my therapy and the most effective way that I have ever found to really dig deep down inside of myself to answer the questions that I have in life. They are the best way for me to really see a reflection of who I truly am. I don’t think I will ever stop writing lyrics. I simply won’t look at them as a career goal anymore. Instead, I’ll be working on a book, or perhaps becoming a featured writer for a magazine or a website or something along those lines. The possibilities are endless, really.

So, today was a good day overall. I slept much better last night than I did on Sunday night, which was much needed. Work was kind of boring, although I did manage to have a lot of really fun conversations with the people around me and such, which helped the day to pass a little more quickly. I got to spend some quality time with friends both at work and after work, because Rachel FINALLY got a new phone and is in touch with the outside world again. She came over this evening and watched “Glee” and “The A List: New York” with me and we discussed various things about my party and life in general. Tomorrow is my day off this week, since I traded days with one of my co-workers in order to be at work on Friday for the Halloween festivities. The plan is to spend the bulk of tomorrow cleaning my bedroom and bathroom, in order to get them all presentable for the party on Saturday. I cannot express exactly how excited I am for this party, by the way. I am feeling extremely ready to wear a costume, hang out with cool people and drink until my face falls off. I am ready to have a pretty epic night. It is only a few days away. It should make for a pretty interesting blog Sunday morning, I think, (because I will definitely not be in the condition to be writing a blog that night.) I did a test run of my makeup look for the party this evening, which came out really well, and plan to do a test run of my makeup for the work version of my costume tomorrow, as well. I am really glad to have this day off in the middle of the week, though. I felt like I could REALLY use it this week, actually. The week has already felt long and it has only actually been two days. It is kind of cool, though, because after tomorrow I am back on Thursday and then Friday is the Halloween stuff, which I will still have to work through but it will be considerably more laid back than an average day in the workplace and I will be in a costume. Costumes make everything better! A friend of mine and I were discussing the fact that Halloween is the only real “costume” holiday that there is and it only comes once a year, and how cool it would be to just periodically throw costume parties throughout the year. If nothing else, it would be a good excuse to wear a costume other times of year. I like this idea and may actually try to follow up on it once everything has been sorted out with moving in with Rachel and such. I am excited to be throwing a party, though, and am already really into the idea of throwing more. I suppose I should see how this one goes first, though. In the meantime, it is nearly 1am and I am really tired. Plus, I have a long day of cleaning ahead of me tomorrow, so I should probably get my rest tonight. Goodnight.