Chapter 333: Me

After a very long, very emotional weekend I was almost looking forward to returning to the normalcy and routine of the weekdays, going to work and such, and attempting to get back to a little bit of the everyday. “Almost” is the key word there, of course. Unfortunately, as soon as I woke up this morning I knew that this simply wasn’t going to be the case for me today. You see, I believe I woke up when my alarm clock went off but kind of closed my eyes to wait the minute or two until my cell phone alarm went off, as well. Well, that minute somehow turned into about an hour and 15 minutes. I didn’t wake up until 7:01am. I immediately knew that it was going to be a complete race against time to get myself ready in time for my sister to come pick me up for work around 7:45am. Suddenly my mind was racing, thinking about which steps seemed more vital than others to begin the day. Coffee was a must but not an immediate must, so I put the coffee pot on before heading into the bathroom to get dressed and do hair and makeup for the day. I decided that breakfast was a step that would be shoved off until after hair and makeup because I decided that it could be skipped if the rest took too long. I didn’t shave or shower, I just immediately got dressed and did my hair and makeup. As I often do when I am in a rush, I decided that my makeup for the day would simply be black eye shadow. I like black eye shadow when I am in a rush because you can just make a mess of it on purpose, so it doesn’t take long to do. I paired that with simply doing some light contouring and highlighting on the cheeks, as opposed to a blusher or anything, and this Maybelline Superstay Liquid Lip Color I picked up last night with Rachel. I have developed a bit of an obsession with Liquid Lip Colors, and this one was particularly gorgeous, as far as I was concerned, and re-application throughout the day was not really necessary at all, (although I did do it a couple of times.) Sadly, as much as I forced myself to rush through all of this, it wound up taking far too long and I didn’t get out of the bathroom until 7:35am. This meant no time for breakfast, which I didn’t think too much of because I didn’t feel overly hungry. I put on my shoes and made myself a cup of coffee to go and it was only moments before my phone was ringing and my sister was telling me to go meet her outside.

As much as I hate to admit it sometimes, I am a person who enjoys routine. Perhaps it’s not so much that I enjoy routine that it is I desire and crave it in my life in order to feel safe and comfortable. I don’t know what it is exactly but I do follow certain routines on a daily basis, particularly when beginning the day, and when those routines are thrown off balance for one reason or another it can throw my entire day off. In general, I am pretty good about not letting it throw my day too far off track but the feeling of being somewhat out of sorts definitely lingers with me throughout the day. Unfortunately, after the highly emotional weekend I had, especially spending most of the day yesterday focused on making the “It Gets Better” video, I was not as well equipped to ward off that strange feeling today and really did not do a very good job of it. I was very quiet all day at work and didn’t get too involved in conversations or anything. I did a lot of drawing today. Even when taking breaks with my dear friend, Arielle, I didn’t really do a whole lot of talking. I was just very tired all day and felt very… introverted, I guess would be the best word. It just wasn’t a very good day and I really couldn’t wait for it to end. When the workday finally did end, I got a ride home from my sister’s girlfriend and spent the evening here just relaxing and simply not focusing on anything in particular. I dicked around online for a while, then watched “90210” and “Gossip Girl.” Basically, I just kind of zoned out. After that, I sat down at the computer to start writing this blog but distracted myself by downloading some of my favorite music from the mid-90s Lillith Fair set. I downloaded a little Joan Osborne, the soundtrack to “Empire Records,” a couple of Natalie Merchant records and, my particular favorite, Paula Cole’s “This Fire.” I am listening to this album as I write this blog and it brings back so many memories of my younger years. There are some songs on this record that really take me to a completely different world – the world I lived in when I was 13 or 14 years old. It is really surprising to me, though, how much I related to these songs at that age and how much I find myself relating to them still half of my lifetime later. It is crazy to think how the same music I listened to 14-15 years ago can still mean so much to me now but for entirely different reasons. It kind of shows you how your entire life and the world that you live in can be completely different than they were before but some things, the things that you are and that you feel on your deepest levels, will always be somewhat the same. One song that particularly sticks out to me at this moment in my life, the song that I think was the subconscious reason for my even downloading this album, is the song called “Me.” I think the Universe put me in this strange 90s mood for the express purpose of delivering this song to me this evening because it is exactly what I needed to hear today. There is a part of the song, towards the end, that says, “and it’s me who’s too weak, and it’s me who’s too shy to ask for the thing I love.” I REALLY get that right now. Even more than that, though, is the line that follows that one, which says, “I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water, and I’m scared as hell but I know there’s something better, yes, I know there’s something better.” That is absolutely where I am at right now. I KNOW THERE’S SOMETHING BETTER. I know that something better is coming for me and, I must say, I absolutely cannot wait for it.

For now, though, it is after midnight and I had better get to bed. After all, I don’t want to wake up late tomorrow and spend another day feeling completely off-kilter and out of sorts. Fortunately, after this evening, I don’t think that will be any problem. It was a really good evening of nothingness – exactly what I needed. I feel pretty refreshed and ready to face the rest of the week and whatever it may bring. I am feeling pretty strong this evening and I am not going to let anything stop that feeling for the rest of the week. So, for now, it is off to bed. Goodnight.