Chapter 334: Let Love Lead The Way

Today was kind of a strange day for me. I was awake much later than I had intended last night, not falling asleep until close to 2am, yet somehow woke up at 5:45am in a really great mood. I mean, I wasn’t entirely bursting out of bed and ready to take on the day or anything like that but my spirits were much higher than they had been the past several days, which I took as a very good sign. I got out of bed and went about my normal morning routines, which were so sorely missed yesterday, and felt really good about it all. I even had oatmeal for breakfast and watched last night’s “Chelsea Lately,” over coffee and cigarettes. It really felt like a normal morning again, which was a great feeling. You see, my Mom being out of town all week has left me feeling pretty out of sorts – I am not used to spending so much time alone. It leaves me far too much time to be inside my own head without anything from the outside to pull me out of it. This leads me to really heightened emotional experiences that, under normal circumstances, would not be nearly as intense as they are in these times spent alone. Fortunately, this morning was a really great step away from that and a return to the normalcy of my regular daily routines. This put me in such a good mood that I decided to try out a really fun, bright new makeup look. It was a pretty simple look consisting of only 3 eye shadows and 2 different eyeliners. It was basically a soft but bright pink all over the lid with a really gorgeous bright purple blended up and outward in the outer corners of the eyes, a shimmery nude highlight color, purple liner under the lower lash line, set with the purple eye shadow and winged out black liner on top lash line. It was very Harajuku-inspired and I loved the way it came out. I coupled this bright eye with a fairly bright pink blush and soft pink lips. By the time I finished my makeup and outfit for the day, I was feeling pretty great about myself and a little in that “ready to take on the day” sort of mood I wasn’t necessarily in when I woke up.

When I got to work this morning my spirits were still pretty high. I was feeling pretty upbeat and talking and making jokes with the people who sit around me. My job has been getting considerably busier than we have been in a while, which is overall a positive thing. I do find it a little annoying because I have gotten really used to using the bulk of my work time for working on other, not work-related things. It is a good sign, though, that we are actually getting busier. Perhaps that will stop people from sitting around and questioning whether or not they have any security in their jobs. It made the first portion of the day pass by pretty quickly, as well, which was a plus. I was brought down a little bit by making the assumption that one of my best work friends was giving me the cold shoulder this morning. I was feeling kind of upset about this until I was sitting on break and this person came to talk to me and told me what was really going on. Not going into it here, but it made me feel really bad for being upset and assuming the worst. I went through the rest of the day kind of moving between sitting quietly and drawing in my cubicle and trying to liven up the mood in my workplace, which never actually happened. It was just a weird mood in the workplace today. That is probably not actually true and it was more that I was in a bit of a weird mood. Either way, it was just kind of a weird day. Still, I was feeling pretty positive about the world in spite of it all.

I couldn’t help but notice something a little different in my workplace today – hot gays. After almost 2 years working in this place, and 2 years of complaining about the fact that there weren’t any hot gays working there, they suddenly seem to be springing up like daisies. My initial reaction was, clearly, to check them all out and be like, “Damn, those gays are hot.” There is definitely a part of me, though, that is feeling a little Blair Waldorf about the whole thing, though. There is a part of me that definitely feels like I have put in my time there and am deserving of the status of HBIC. I think that I should totally gather them up and make them my minions. After all, like I said, I am the GaychBIC and should be able to take control a little bit and lead these bitches around. I could definitely be in the mood for building an army. I am, of course, only joking. There isn’t anything going on in that building that I really give enough of a shit about to require an army. I have no need for an army of gays behind me – as if there is ever a need to have a need for an army of gays. Still, it is kind of nice to at least have some eye candy in the building after such a long dry spell, as well as having other boys around who begin their sentences with long, drawn-out “Ooooooooooh my Gods!” That is a total stereotype, I understand, but I heard it happen on many of my breaks today.

After work, I was feeling pretty tired but I was also feeling pretty excited for an evening of hanging out with my BFF, Rachel. As you all should know by now, Rachel is my very best friend here in the state of Florida, and she is one of those people who I just always know I am going to have a good time with, whether we are going out for a night of drinking or just hanging out at my house watching TV. Tonight was the latter. We went and got dinner from Chick-Fil-A and came back to the house to watch “Glee,” which was amazing tonight. Rachel had only ever seen the very first episode of “Glee” and was instantly sucked in by tonight’s episode. The second season is only three episodes in and is already proving to be even better than the first season. I fucking love that show. Aside from watching “Glee,” we also did a lot of talking about a lot of different things. One thing in particular, though, really stuck out in my mind because it was basically Rachel dropping a big, giant truth bomb on me. I was talking about the boy who I had vowed to have given up on in Saturday night’s blog and, while making it a point to try to sound like I was confident in my decision and not festering on the whole thing, totally came across as if I was not at all confident in my decision and was totally festering on the whole thing. Rachel laid it out for me in the simplest, most obvious way possible – she said that I have two options here. I either need to make the decision to give up on the whole thing and simply move forward as friends with this person or I need to fess up to this person about my feelings and let the chips fall where they may, and move forward with whatever feelings this person may have. Basically, I can’t just sit here and leave it where it is now. I know what my answer to this SHOULD be – door number one, just move on. Still, as much as the concept of putting myself out there is completely terrifying, I can’t help but feel like I would regret it if I didn’t take the chance. Regret is something that I have shockingly managed to get through my life thus far without, and I definitely do not want to begin living with it now. I have managed to avoid this because I have never been a person who is afraid of taking chances and diving into whatever comes my way. However, as I have gotten older I have found that this fearless, carefree streak in me has waned quite a bit and I am much more cautious about the decisions I make, particularly when it comes to matters of the heart. I really feel like this is a bad thing for me at this point in time – I definitely feel like I need to take back a little of that fearlessness I had in my youth and put it to use now. I need to take chances again. After all, what I am looking for in my life right now, for the first time more than anything else, is love. I don’t know what decision I am going to make in reference to this particular situation but one thing I do know is that I am going to try my best to really heed the advice of the Spice Girls when they sang, “Just keep the faith and let love lead the way.” After all, as the Spice Girls go on to say, “Everything will work out fine if you let love lead the way.”

So, for now it is 12:01am and I really need to get to bed. It was a long day and I am really ready to sleep the night away. In the words of Darren Hayes, “I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I am willing to sing ‘til I drop.” That is pretty much how I feel right now – everything is going to be not just fine but fucking fabulous. I am sure of it. I am feeling extremely positive and optimistic about moving forward – I don’t know what is coming for me but I have absolute faith in the Universe that whatever it is will be revealed to me soon AND that whatever it is will be absolutely fucking beautiful. On that note, it is time for sleep. Goodnight.