Chapter 353: Jealousy

My computer is acting like a real asshole this evening. I am not entirely sure what is wrong with it but I can't seem to get it to function well enough to allow me to write this blog on it... So, I am working from my phone instead this evening. For this reason, and a few others, I am going to keep it short this evening. Another reason to keep it short tonight is the fact that I don't honestly have a whole lot to say tonight. It's been a pretty uneventful day, honestly. The bulk of today was spent cleaning up around the house and watching reruns on TV. Let me just say about the reruns, though, that there are a couple of TV shows that are amongst my very favorites of all-time that I didn't actually realize were in syndication at this point - namely "Ugly Betty," which apparently plays regularly on The TV Guide Network of all places, and "Daria," which has apparently started playing on Logo. I absolutely loved "Daria" growing up and found myself a little more excited than I probably should have been to find a mini-marathon of it on today. It was such a good show, though, and I had way too much fun sitting there watching it for a couple of hours this afternoon. The house is looking much better than it did this morning, too, which is a very positive move forward in preparing for my party. I also spent a little chunk of time this evening making ringtones for my Mom's new phone, (Kelly Clarkson songs,) and then some new ones for my phone, (from the new Cheryl Cole album.) While I was on the computer doing that, I also used that time to set up the first of my two new blogs, which will be starting shortly after this one ends. The one that I set up this evening was the one that will serve as my "personal" blog after this one ends. I finally came up with a title for that blog - Messy Little Raindrops. Clearly, the name came from the new Cheryl Cole album, as that is also the title of the album, but when I thought about it I figured that this would be the most appropriate name possible for the new blog because, as the "About Me" section of the blog says, I am trying to figure out how to navigate life, love & all the messy little raindrops that come along with them. This, I think, is really what the focus of the new blog will be, so it just seemed like the perfect title. I created the general layout of the blog and everything this afternoon but I definitely feel like it could use a few little tweaks here & there before it goes live. Still, I am suddenly feeling really excited for that blog to begin. I kind of want to do more of a Carrie Bradshaw style with that blog, as opposed to the haphazard style that I have spent the past year writing this blog in. I really want that blog to be a real behind the scenes look at somebody really, in a lot of ways, just learning to navigate the world as an adult for the first time. I also want to put much more of an emphasis on relationships in that blog and really examining what makes them work, what makes them fall apart and how to start them and when to end them and everything in between. I am excited for that blog to begin, as well as my new beauty blog, Beauty In The Mirror. I just really want to try writing these both in a very different style than I have written this one - I want them to have much more of a professional, editorial feel than this one ever has. We'll see how that pans out, though.

The other main thing I wanted to discuss in tonight's blog is the concept of jealousy. Jealousy, in general, is a completely useless, ego-based emotion that I simply don't have time for in my life. It is like Paris Hilton said in that song of hers, "Jealousy," "Nobody wins when you're filled with envy." It is so true. Still, as much as I recognize all of the things I mentioned above to be true, I am still human. Humans, by nature, are inherently weak-willed and not in control of their emotions. I am finding this to be more & more true lately when really examining my own emotional landscape. Jealousy, for all the worthlessness of it, has been one of the more prominent emotions I have been feeling lately in reference to several different situations in my life right now. I hate it but I have yet to figure out how to work through it and keep these feelings in check. I found some inspiration about this whole concept from the strangest place possible this evening. I decided to catch up on some episodes of Oprah that I had missed over the past couple of weeks and happened to watch one featuring the cast of the newest TLC trainwreck of a reality show, "Sister Wives." I had heard of this show and all the scandals surrounding it but, much like "Jon & Kate Plus 8" or that show with the family with 19 children, I really didn't have a lot of interest in ever seeing it. Still, it is an interesting concept. You see, "Sister Wives" follows a family of polygamists, featuring one man, four wives and sixteen children. I have always been intrigued by the concept of polyamorous relationships and have even thought a lot about what it would be like to be in one. It isn't something I ever plan on pursuing or anything but it is also not something that I would be opposed to taking part in should the right opportunit arise. This isn't about me, though. Oprah, in her special Oprah way, got these women, the four wives, to each open up a bit about how jealousy plays in to the relationship, since they are four women sharing one man. What was so interesting and really impressive is the fact that each of these women answered almost exactly the same way. They each acknowledged that they have moments where they feel envious of the other wives but stated that they always manage to work through those feelings. They even discussed the fact that they feel like better or stronger people because of the fact that they are able to work through those feelings so well. I'm not going to lie here, I found this part of the interview extremely inspiring and I kind of vowed to myself then and there that I would do my absolute best to try to do the same moving forward in my life. Like I said, in general, jealousy isn't something that I have a lot of trouble with or a lot of dealings with at all. It just seems that with a few recent events in my life I have found myself not only having moments of feeling jealousy but moments of being overcome with it. This is not a positive or healthy thing for me, or anyone, in life and I am beginning to see how strong it is in me right now & how much it needs to be stopped. So, this is something I will be working on moving forward. You could say that it is just another of my "messy little raindrops."

Anyway, it is 11:20pm and I really need to get to sleep. Tomorrow is back to work and, depending upon how I manage to work out my schedule, could prove to be a very easy or a very long week. I'm pretty sure that I have decided to go ahead and try to switch my schedule around so I am working on Friday. The main reason I decided on this was because if I work on Friday, I will be there to drum up last minute business for my party and be a point of contact to provide people with directions & contact info & such, as needed. So, I think I am going to try to sort that out. We'll see how that all works out, though. In the meantime, I need to get my beauty sleep. Goodnight.